Title:What if

Author: Mariedex

Spoilers:After FO, a year in the future.

Disclaimer: The characters in the story are the sole property of Hank Steinberg, Jerry Bruckheimer, and CBS. No copyright infringement is intended.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Samantha had to make the hardest decision of her life... to leave.

Chapter 6:

Sam started laughing. What are we 16 again? If he wants me back.?

I'm serious here. I said that I thought it was good for him that you left, I didn't mean because he got over you. My guess is that he is even more in love with you than he was before. You should have seen him before you got to the office, he was so nervous. It was like he was a teenager again. He got this spark in his eyes when you walked. Don't think that I don't know that spark.

Sam thought for a moment, what if it was true what if he was still in love with her. Was she still in love with him? This is silly Danny. Even if it is true, it is not that simple. Ryan.

Samantha, my office now! Jack yelled as he walked down the hall. He had just had his meeting with VanDoren and he did not look amused. Sam had been sitting talking with Martin. She gave a quick look at Danny before she got up.

He muttered. She could here Martin ask him what was up as she walked into the office.

Shut the door. Jack said not looking up. Sam did as she was told.

She half asked as question and half as an excuse.

Transfer is approved. He said coldly. You just need to sign here. They are expecting you next Monday. That should give you a week to pack. Check with Human Resources about your accommodations.

She had never expected him to be this cold. She expected him to be angry at her but not cold, not distant. She didn't know if she could handle this. In her head, she had been prepared to fight him. This was even more unbearable.

I have given you a week's vacation time to prepare. You can clean your desk before you leave tonight. Then for the first moment he looked up from his paperwork. Sam knees went weak, she thought she was going to faint right there. The look he gave her was so horrible. It was so distant.

Sam wanted to explain. but he didn't give her a choice. He got up and opened the door.

It was good working with you Agent Spade. He closed the door behind her and went back to his desk.

Sam walked out shell-shocked. She went to her desk and grabbed her coat and purse without saying a word. She then turned and walked towards the elevator. She had to get out of here before she completely broke down.

Eight hours later, her head hurt from crying so much. Danny kept calling and leaving messages. But Sam didn't answer the phone. It was over, she kept repeating to herself. It was officially over. Every time she had resolved that everything was okay, she remembered the look on Jack's face. It was as if he didn't know her anymore, like he had never known her. Maybe it really was a superficial relationship. Maybe he did just use her. Maybe she really was just a stop over, a mid-life crisis. Every thought made her more depressed. This was not how it was supposed to be. In her head, the transfer was supposed to be something else, anything else, just not this. She was not supposed to be sitting in the dark curled up in a ball, feeling stupid and alone. Of all the things Jack Malone had done to her, he had never made her feel cheap and used - until now. And she hated him for it. She could ruin his career, she could ruin his family if she choose to, but she didn't. And what does he do - he acts like nothing every happened.

Damn him' she mumbled and got up. She needed to stop this, she needed to pack. She started to wrap some more dishes in paper when someone knocked on the door. Danny, could he not take a hint.

Danny, I really am not in the mood. She said as she opened the door.

I guess I am not in the Danny mood either. Jack whispered as he noticed her suprise.

Sorry I thought that you were...

Danny. Caught that. Can I come in? Sam stood blocking the door.

Why did I forget to sign some papers? Sam curtly responded.

Why did you forget to tell VanDoren something else? Jack responded as he slipped past her and into her apartment. All of the lights were out. He could tell that she had started packing. He looked around for a moment allowing his eyes to get used to the lack of light. He noticed as he looked around that there was not a wine glass or a bottle. Normally when Sam was upset like this, she would have some red wine to calm herself. But there was none. Maybe something else new.

Sam just stared at him for a while. Watching as he looked around the apartment. She could tell that he was searching for something. Are you looking for something? She said as she walked back to packing her dishes.

Yeah I am. I am looking for some clue as to why you asked VanDoren for a transfer. I am looking for some reason why you would want to transfer.

Sam didn't look up at him as he said. I have been seriously considering my future and I feel that I have learned all that I can here and that I need to expand my horizons.

Cut the crap Sam. I read the request. I need to know why. He walked up behind her so close that it scared her and she dropped a glass. The shards went everywhere.

She cried.

Don't move. Jack said as he went to pick up the pieces. Before he could get to the towels he saw her. She was breaking down. She was trying to step over the glass. Sam, stay still. You have bear feet.

Jack's voice stopped her from moving. She stood there, waiting. Waiting for anything to happen. He cleaned up the glass and she stood there still. She looked awful, she knew it. Her face was probably all blotchy from crying and her hair was a mess. Jack threw the last remnants of the broken glass away and stood there watching her.

You're beautiful. He whispered. He walked over and touched her face lightly. Why didn't you come to me?

Sam looked at him. She could see now that he had tears in his eyes. Because I was afraid. It was simple and true.

Of me.

Of this. Of watching your face. Of chickening out.



Don't okay. I have to do this. I have to do this. She kept repeating and he kept staring at her. He then ran his fingers through her head. She quieted down and watched him. He always did that with her, he always studied her. She watched his eyes as they etched out her face. When he got to her lips she closed her eyes. His fingers outlined her lips, softly. She remembers this. The first time he studied her like this. It was before anything happened. After a bad case, they had gone for some drinks. He walked her to her apartment and they both stood there, just looking at each other. He was scared to come up and she was scared to invite him. So they just stood there. It was so cold that night, she remembers that. She remembers when he kissed her. That was the first line that they had crossed and it was all, until some months later. But she remembers this motion. She remembered how nervous she was. And just like then, he kisses her. Timidly at first, than as if both had been holding back for so long their kisses became aggressive. He pushed her into the bedroom and onto the bed. This hadn't been the plan. She didn't want this to happen. Her brain kept telling her to stop but her body didn't want to. His lips started moving down her body and they stopped at her stomach. This was the moment that he lingered.

Sam suddenly woke up. Jack stop. She pleaded. Jack raised his head and pulled himself up. He just watched her for a moment, the internal debate. We can't do this. I can't do this not again. She sat up. I thought that I could handle this, us. I thought that it would just be sex, but it stopped being that a long time ago and you know it. I didn't want to get attached. Lord knows I have never become attached before. But I am and I can't be. I can't stay here and watch you. I just can't do this anymore. I can't act like nothing has happened between us and I can't watch you go back to her. I have tried Jack, I have. Shit. She swung her legs around and sat next to him. The tears were building in her eyes again. I love you and I can't have you. Do you know how hard that is?

It was meant as a rhetorical question, but Jack answered it quietly. Yes. Just give me the word Sam. And I will leave her. If that is what it will take to keep you here. I will leave her.

That's not fair and you know it.

I thought that we were good. I thought that it was all okay. You and I. I just tried to shut it all off and it was working for awhile. Until VanDoren told me and suddenly everything came back. I didn't want this to happen to us. I never meant to hurt you. I don't know what I will do if you left. I can resign myself to the fact that I will never have you, but at least I can see you every day, at least we can still be in each other's life.

But we can't. Their watching, she's watching. Jack we can't act as if nothing has happened. I can't do that anymore. It was hard enough the first time. But now ... Sam just looked at her hands, she was afraid to look at him.

Then I'll go, not you. I was prepared to do it a while ago anyway. It's not fair to you. I put you in this situation, I should be the one who handles it.

She hadn't expected that. I need to start over, I need a change. With or without you in the office, I'll still feel the same way. I will always be wondering where you are and what you are doing. I can't handle that anymore. I need to go.

That is all he said for a while. He just sat there looking at the carpet, wondering how they had gotten here. How things had gotten this far. I wish you had come to me.

You would have talked me out of it.



Sam took Jack's hand and gently rubbed it. It will be for the best.

I'll miss you. Jack added.

Sam took her other hand and traced his face. No regrets. And with that Sam decided that one last time was not going to hurt them, but maybe it will help them leave.

Later that night, Sam woke up with a pounding headache. Jack's arm was around her clinging tightly. She gently undid his arm and stepped out of bed. She looked at him for a moment. He always had felt so right, he always felt like home and here she was leaving him. What would he do right now if she told him? Would he be angry or would be happy? Her heart kept telling her to wake him up and quietly mumble those words in his ear, just to see what he would do. But her brain had made up its mind and it was a bit more stubborn. She had to let him go. It was the only right thing she could do. She had done enough damage to his family already. Leaving was the only choice.

Jack would forgive you. Danny answered.

Would he? Would you? Sam quietly pointed out.

There would be no question Sam. All he would have to do is meet her and it would be all over. Sam, he would forgive you. You made the best decision that you could at the time. Nobody can fault you for it. Jack may be upset but ultimately he will understand.

I wish I could be as sure of that. I have a feeling that it would be so easy. Sam smiled and then looked at her daughter, who had the biggest grin on her face. She had proceeded on getting baby food all over Danny and she looked as if she was very proud of her accomplishment.