Title: What if

Author: Mariedex

Spoilers:After FO, a year in the future.

Disclaimer: The characters in the story are the sole property of Hank Steinberg, Jerry Bruckheimer, and CBS. No copyright infringement is intended.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Samantha had to make the hardest decision of her life... to leave.

Chapter 7:

You know what let's stop talking about my love life or lack there of. So what do you think about the case?

You never want to talk about your love life. You know that right? You either talk about work or Ryan, never about yourself. You know that you need a life too.

Like I have time. Do you want to order pizza or chinese?

Pizza. Sam you need to make time. You are wearing yourself out.

I already have enough guilt. I don't need to add to it. Everyday I drop her off and I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Maybe this is the day that I hand in my letter of resignation. Maybe this is the day that I decide that my daughter should be raised by me and not some day care teacher. But everyday I realize that I can't do it. I can't leave my work, I just can't. So that is the part of my life that I am being selfish about. I can't spare any more time to myself. Sam started getting more and more emotional as the conversation wore on. She hadn't realized how upset she really was about her life. Or how guilty she felt. Maybe it was Jack who was bringing it all back, maybe it was Danny, or maybe it was the simple truth that she may not be able to do it on her own.

You need help. I can help, just say the word and I'll transfer here. You don't have to do this on your own.

Danny your sweet. You really are. But I am fine. Really I am. I just need to get over this little hump. I'll be fine. She smiled. She knew that he would help and that realization calmed her down. He had always been there and she knew that he always would be. I'm glad you came.

Me too. You know she is like an addiction.

I know. It amazed her how much Danny loved her daughter. From the moment she was born, he had been there. She always had know that he was good with kids, but there was something about Ryan and him. The way she responded to his touch and his voice. He always gave any kind of excuse to come and visit. Always made any excuse to be around her. He was addicted, he loved her more than Sam thought any man could love a child, especially one that was not theirs. But he did and it always relieved Sam to know that if anything should happen Danny would always be there, he would always be protecting her daughter.

So what do you think that you are going to do?

About her ears?



I thought that I would give it another week and see if it doesn't get any better. I just can't stand the thought that she would have to have surgery, to be under any kind of ant esthetic. But I also know that my fear can not be the reason that I make her suffer through it. It is just so hard. I mean one moment she is fine and the next she is screaming her lungs out.

You know whatever you decide will be right. Maybe you just need to give this medicine a little more time.

Yeah, it seems to be working now. Sam watched her daughter as she contentedly gurgled. Danny had been holding her and she was simply starring at him with her big brown eyes.

Maybe I should try to put her to bed.

I can do it.'

No, this is what godfathers are for. He winked and took Ryan up. Sam smiled and cleaned up the kitchen. She then sat down on the couch and waiting for Danny to come back. She hadn't remembered how tired she was until the moment her legs hit the couch. She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she heard was Ryan crying. She whispered. There was a note on the coffee table.

Didn't want to disturb you. We'll do dinner some other time. You have a good rest and I will see you in the morning.

She smiled at him. She knew that there was probably some kind of internal debate on whether or not to spend the night or stay in the hotel. But she knew that this visit was for business and although he had some personal time, there was a case to solve and he needed to remain as much in business mode as possible.

Sam went to grab her things and head up to her bed, when she head Ryan crying. Normally, Ryan would sleep in the same bed with Sam. It always made more sense than Sam getting up in the middle of the night and walking to the other room. But since Danny had put her to bed she was sleeping in her crib, which was still in Sam's room but she knew Ryan was not used to sleeping on her own. Which is what Sam thought that she was probably crying about only the cries kept getting louder. Ryan's face was all red and she was hot. Not hot enough to be concerned, just hot enough so Sam knew that the medicine probably was wearing out. Sam tried to calm her as they walked down the steps and into the kitchen. She grabbed an empty bottle and put some milk and her medicine in it. She then walked back to their favorite chair and sat down. Ryan wouldn't drink the milk, she just cried and pushed the bottle away. Experience told her that the only thing that really ever calmed her down was nursing. Although she was attempting to wean Ryan off, since it got very complicated with work, she knew that it was good for her. And it always calmed her down.

Sam smiled as Ryan started sucking. Nursing was the one thing that was the ultimate reminder that Ryan was hers and not some baby that she was baby-sitting. After a while, Ryan went to sleep along with Sam. Sam barely heard the door knock. She proceeded to pick Ryan up and bring her back to bed. Danny probably forgot something. Then the doorbell rang. It was loud and Sam was not about to let Ryan wake up again, so she quickly ran down to answer the door.

Danny, I told you not to ring the bell. She whispered as she opened the door. Then she noticed that it wasn't Danny, Jack was standing there.

Jack looked out of place. He didn't belong standing in her doorway. Can I come in? He asked.

Sam thought for a moment. Could she actually tell him no? She could, but there was something about the way he was looking at her that made her realize that he was not going to take no for an answer. And with that she let him in.

Couldn't sleep? He noted her attire as he entered her house. It was different somehow from her apartment in New York. The clutter was gone. It felt much more like a home.

Not really. Why are you here?

I was thinking about the case and I wanted to talk to you about it. It was familiar line that he had always given when he came over to her place.

Jack? It's 2:30 in the morning you think we could do this tomorrow.

Jack answered. He sat down on the couch. The first thing he noticed was the baby blanket and then the picture on the mantle. It was the same picture he had seen before on her desk. I was just thinking about motherhood.

What about it? Sam looked a little nervous. She was sure that at any moment Ryan would start crying and she would have to tell him.

There is this connection that mother's have with their children, that fathers are never privy too. That intimacy of knowing this child and having brought her into the world. A father doesn't ever have that intimacy, no matter how much he may try.

Jack what are you talking about?

This case, why?

What does motherhood have to do with it?

This mother she is so upset and scared about losing her husband that she threatens him with his child. She could simply just take her away and he could do nothing about it because ultimately she is the mother and she has the connection with their child. Women are the ones who get the morning sickness and the cravings, they are the ones who have the opportunity to literally bring a new life into the world and all the father can do is sit and watch in wonder. It is like this out of body experience that you have. You know that you had something to do with that being growing in her stomach but it is never really you gets to have the experience. You could have a kid out there and never know, do you know how weak that makes men?

Sam just looked at him. Where was he going?

So I am sitting in the office and I wanted to see your notes one more time. Your desk has all of the usual things, your sister's picture, hair bands, little post-it notes everywhere. Yet there is one thing that is out of place, something that I have never seen on your desk before. It is a picture of a baby, a couple of weeks old. I'm assuming that it is your niece or cousin or something, so I don't think much of it. But I keep noticing it. Then one of the night staff comes in and I ask them who that is and do you know what they tell me?


Shit she thought. She hadn't thought about the picture.

According to this person, she is about three months old and her name is Ryan. And she is the apple of her mother's eye. He stared at her, this was definitely an angry stare. So by default, I think that maybe Keller is her dad. But then it occurs to me, you wouldn't have run so quickly if it had been Keller's. But then I am thinking that I can't be the father because you would have never done that to me, right?



You wouldn't have looked me in the face and lied. You wouldn't have walked out that night knowing full well that you were having my child. You couldn't have done that. Not after everything. The logistics of it all just don't make since you have only been gone for 7 months. Meaning you would have been five months along and I think that I would have noticed you being 5 months pregnant when we had sex.

He had used that word to hurt her. He knew that they never simply had sex, it was always something more. To her sex was dirty and raw, she never just had sex with Jack Malone, she had once told him that he was too good for just sex. Sam didn't know what to say, what are you supposed to say at moment like this. She could always deny it. Say that the baby was Keller's or even Danny's, that would definitely help. But then she would be lying again to him and although she had done it that night, she just couldn't anymore. She couldn't go on pretending that he wasn't in the picture, that it wasn't his problem. Because he was standing in front of her and he wasn't going to go away. And his look told her that he was now definitely aware and that this was definitely his problem. So she decided to give up and let him go at it. To allow him to know the truth. She was born two months premature. When I left I was only three months along.

That day you called me and hung up. You were calling to let me know that she was born, right?

Sam couldn't look him in the eye, everything was happening too soon. this wasn't how he was supposed to find out.

I couldn't figure out why you were in the hospital. I couldn't understand why on that day you decided to call. But it all makes sense Sam, the call, the transfer. What doesn't make sense is why you didn't tell me? What you think that I didn't want to know?

Sam quietly pleaded.

Or maybe you thought that I didn't need to know, that it wasn't my problem. That I wouldn't care. I wouldn't care that I had a daughter out there who was being raised without me, whom I would never get to meet and would never know me. How could you think that Sam after everything we shared, how could you think that this is what I wanted. That I didn't have the right to be involved and to decide for myself.

Everything we shared Jack. I was your mistress. and you went back to your wife. Everything we shared, my ass. I knew you and I knew how miserable you would have been. I was not going to be the official reason that you left Marie. You would have hated me, you would have hated her. You already had a family, I knew that. I went into our affair knowing full well that you probably would go back with Marie, that you would go back to your family. You were already a father and you had these two girls who needed you so much. I just wasn't going to take you away from that. I wasn't going to allow you the satisfaction of blaming your families demise on the fact that you knocked me up. She had been sitting in the chair the entire time with her eyes to the floor. She couldn't stand to look at him. He was now pacing the room.

So this was better. You just figured that Jack didn't need to know. That I just wouldn't care.

I knew you would and that was the problem. This was my mistake Jack. I was the one who forget about protection, who forgot that doctor had taken me off my birth control while I was in the hospital. It was my fault.

So you took care of it?



Jack stared at her for awhile. Did you try to have an abortion?

His words stung because she knew that she would have to tell him the truth and she didn't know how he would react.

And what your guilty conscious came over you?

I guess you could say that. I had an appointment, I went to the doctor but I just couldn't go through with it.

All without me.



No, you were going to kill my child, take care of your problem while leaving me blissfully unaware. Fuck you Sam. You are so god damn selfish, you know that. You were only thinking of yourself. You were only thinking of the easiest way for you. Did I ever cross your mind?

You think that my decision was easy. Do you think that I didn't know how quickly you would come to my rescue if you found out? It wasn't just about me, Jack I knew that. It was about your life, your job, your family. We could say that there was nothing going on to VanDoren, but me being pregnant was definitely a clue that was something still was going between us. Jack I am sorry. There is nothing more that I can say. I made a decision and it wasn't easy. Jack never think that it was easy for me. Nothing about this was easy, it never was with us.

They both stood there for a long time, neither knowing what to say. What can you say? What is there to say? Sam had never truly imagined what Jack would do or how he would react. She had never allowed herself.