Wow! Chapter 4 already!
Warning: Arwen Bashing in this chapter. I like Arwen, really I do, I just don't like Liv Tyler's portrayal, and the fact that she stole Glorfindel's part.
Glorfindel: And horse!
Right, and his horse.
Disclaimer: I own me! Uh huh. But that's it :( I don't even own the teddy bear, which I really wish I did!
Flames will be used to make caramel apples!
Chapter 4: Off to Rivendell we go!
The hobbits and Laina reach the gates of Bree and knock. The gatekeeper looks out and sees this... unusual... company.
"What do you want?" he demands.
"We're heading for the Prancing Pony." Frodo responds, sounding more confident than he actually is. "Our business is our own."
"Geez, calm down, I didn't mean to insult you." the gatekeeper answers.
They walk through Bree, heading for the inn. Men turn to look at the odd group as they walk by, sometimes bumping into people.
"Gross, you stink," Laina mutters, as they walk pass one man.
They enter the inn, trying to keep out of the way.
"Hey, Butterbur, is Gandalf here?" Laina asks. "You know, the old guy... long beard, tall hat, wears grey... "
After thinking a moment, Butterbur realises who she's talking about. "Ooh, Gandalf... he hasn't been here for almost six months."
"How'd I guess?" mutters Laina, while the hobbits exchange looks.
A few minutes later, Pippin, Sam, Frodo and Laina are sitting at a table with some drinks. Frodo tries to console Sam but isn't very successful.
Merry soon joins them carrying a big (for a hobbit) mug of beer.
Pippin stares at him in awe. "What's that?"
"This, my friend, is a pint." Merry responds, looking very proud of himself.
"I want one!" Pippin runs off to order one.
"Don't have too much!" Laina calls after him. "You can end up with cir...uh...alcohol diseases."
"See that guy in the corner Frodo?" Sam asks. "He's done nothing but stare at you since we came in."
"Oh, don't worry about him. It's just.never mind," Laina sighs, realizing there's almost no point in explaining, as they won't listen to her anyway.
Frodo stops Butterbur and asks who the man is. Butterbur tells them that he's a ranger, considered quite dangerous as he roams the wild. He's called Strider.
As Frodo sits there thinking, the ring starts to call to him. He can hear it whispering he name over and over.
"Um, Frodo? That's not the ring. That's Pippin. He's giving away your real name." Laina tells him.
"Pippin! No!" Frodo yells, running over to stop him. Pippin pushes him away, and he falls to the floor. The ring lands on his finger and he disappears.
"How convenient." Laina comments. "The ring just happens to land on his finger. Wow. Didn't see that coming." She goes and orders an apple juice while she waits for Frodo to reappear and Aragorn to drag him away.
After a couple of minutes, Frodo reappears and Aragorn drags him away. More specifically, towards the stairs.
"You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill," he says.
"Duh, Aragorn. You know perfectly well that his name isn't Mr. Underhill. His real name is Frodo Baggins." Laina interrupts.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Laina. Now go take Frodo so your room so that Sam, Merry and Pippin can come 'rescue' him. Shh, let them think they're doing a good job. It keeps them happy."
Confused, Aragorn heads to his room and takes Frodo with him.
"Who are you?" Frodo demands.
"He's Aragorn, and the future ki-"
"Shut up you stupid girl!" Aragorn cuts her off before she can give away his whole life story.
"How did you, um, disappear like that? I can avoid being seen, but I don't know how to disappear. That is no cheap toy you have." Laina had unnerved Aragorn so much that he had forgotten what he had meant to say.
"You forgot to tell him he should be scared and that you know what hunts him." Laina reminds him. She glances at her watch.
"Thank you," he responds sourly.
Just then the remaining hobbits burst through the door to save Frodo.
"About time!" Laina exclaims. "I've had to listen to them rambling for about 5 minutes now."
Aragorn continues with his line. "You're brave hobbits, but that wont help you. They are coming-"
"Dun, dun, duuuuuun," Laina yells ominously.
"You cannot wait for Gandalf any longer." Aragorn finishes, ignoring her.
Just then, a muffled thud is heard from the closet. Aragorn draws his sword, the hobbits get ready to 'fight' with their improvised weapons, and Laina looks confused.
Aragorn silently walks over to the closet and with a yell, opens the door. Out falls-
"Molly?!?" Laina yells in surprise.
A girl with medium length blond hair and blue eyes looks up slightly shocked. "Hi," she says, laughing sheepishly.
"What are you doing here?" Laina asks, laughing at the situation.
"Stalking Aragorn!" Molly responds, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"I should have known." Laina laughs.
"Ummm, who is Aragorn?" Sam asks.
For the first time, Molly notices the hobbits standing there looking confused.
"Eeeee!" she squeals. "They're so cute!!" she runs over and grabs Merry. She hugs him until he starts to turn blue.
"I can't breathe," he gasps out, trying to get some air.
"Sure you can!" Molly insists, hugging him tighter.
"No, Molly, he really can't. He's turning blue," Laina jumps in. (a/n: that actually happened to me! Hawco was choking me with his scarf and he didn't believe me that I couldn't breathe and Meighan had to save me!)
"Oh right, sorry," Molly says, reluctantly letting go.
"It's alright," Merry chokes out, fighting for air.
"Wait...you were stalking me?!?" Aragorn demands.
"Uh huh." Molly answers.
"Molly, you have to go now. This chapter is starting to get too long."
"Okay!" Molly says as she disappears.
Later that night, Sam, Merry and Pippin are asleep while Aragorn and Frodo are talking. Laina is sitting on the floor reading "The Fellowship of the Ring". Every once in a while, she looks up and mutters something like, "This is so wrong."
Suddenly everyone jumps as a loud shriek is heard. Laina shivers without thinking. "Great. The Black Riders are here on roller blades."
"What are they?" Frodo asks.
"The Nazgul, Ringwraiths, dead and alive at the same time. They were once great kings, until Sauron corrupted them with the nine rings. Now they are bound to the one ring, and will never stop chasing you for it." Aragorn tells them.
"I could have told you that," Laina mutters.
The next day they are walking.
"Into the wild we go..." Laina sings tunelessly.
"How do we know we can trust him?" Merry asks Frodo.
"Um, he can hear you." Laina tells them. "Besides, he's cool, trust me, I know this stuff."
"But where is he taking us?" Sam questions, joining the conversation.
"To Rivendell." Aragorn answers.
"Told ya he could hear you." Laina reminds them.
Sam is awestruck. "Rivendell. We're going to see the elves!"
"No, see, actually Sam, the elves all left when they heard you were coming. So sorry." she walks off laughing while Sam glares at her.
Aragorn pauses at the top of the hill to look around. When he looks back the hobbits have stopped.
Laina rolls her eyes. "Let me save you the trouble." she tells Aragorn. "No stopping until it gets dark. We've already had breakfast."
"But what about second breakfast?" Pippin asks. Aragorn just ignores him and keeps walking.
"Well, that was uncalled for! How rude!" Pippin says, outraged.
"He doesn't know about those Pippin. He doesn't know about elevenses or any of your other meals either."
Pippin looks shocked. He doesn't even see the apple that Merry catches for him before he keeps walking.
"Hey, Pippin, duck!" Laina calls to him.
"Duck? Where?" he asks. Then, as another apple hits him, "Ouch!!"
"Pippin!" Frodo yells in exasperation.
"Hey!" Laina yells. "Where did Bill the Pony come from? He wasn't here a minute ago. He just appeared." she keeps walking, muttering about how messed up everything is.
***Meanwhile in Orthanc....***
Saruman looks into the Palantir, to ask Sauron what he wants him to do.
"Woah, dude, where'd you get that manicure?" Laina asks. "I could use one."
"What are you doing here?" he demands.
"Annoying you."
"Right." he continues speaking with Sauron.
Later, Saruman is sitting on his chair looking pissed and constipated when two orcs come in and ask what they are to do.
"We are to build an army for Sauron."
"Um, Saruman, I know you think that if you help Sauron win, you'll be able to overthrow him, but it doesn't work that way. You really don't have to do this." Laina tries to stop him.
"Go away you foolish girl."
"I've seen this before, I know what happens, and trust me, it doesn't look good for you."
He ignores her, and sends the orcs off.
Outside, the orcs are ripping up the trees.
"Stop it!!" Laina is screaming at them. She runs around, kicking orcs in the shins. "You're hurting them! Damn fucking, stupid, bloody, stinky, ugly orcs!"
On top of Orthanc, Gandalf wakes up. He looks over the edge and sees the destruction below. He's surprised to see Laina actually trying to do something constructive. Saruman walks around supervising the orcs.
"The trees are strong and their roots are deep." an orc tells him. "Plus there's a really annoying girl running around and kicking us in the shins."
"Rip them all down." Saruman replies. "And ignore the girl. She'll go away...eventually."
It starts to rain and Gandalf huddles up in his cloak against the rain and cold.
"Here."
He looks up in surprise as a big white duvet is thrown at him.
"You look so pitiful and cold." Laina explains before leaving.
*** Back in the Wild***
Aragorn, Laina and the hobbits continue walking. Finally they stop. "We will rest here for the night." Aragorn tells them.
"Wow. The old watchtower of Amon Sul." Laina says. Aragorn looks at her, surprised that she actually knows something.
"What?" she demands. "I'm not as completely stupid as everybody thinks."
"I don't think you're stupid!!" Pippin exclaims.
"Good." she answers. "I'm glad someone likes me."
"I like you too!" Merry says, not to be left out.
"Yay!" she yells, and hugs them while glaring at Aragorn. Up on the watchtower, Aragorn gives the hobbits swords.
"Don't I get one?" Laina demands.
"No, sorry, I only have four."
"Fine then! If the Ringwraiths come I'll just attack hem with my bloody fingernails." she yells and then promptly disappears.
They look around, surprised she's gone. "I'm going to take a look around." Aragorn tells the hobbits, still wondering where she went to.
Later that night, Frodo awakes to the smell of smoke.
"What are you doing?" he demands.
"We made food!" Pippin says proudly.
"We saved you some." Sam adds.
"Put it out!" Frodo screams, running over and stamping out the fire with his foot.
"Careful Frodo. Wouldn't want to set your foot-hairs on fire." Laina says, yawning as she appears out of nowhere. She is wearing pink flannel pyjamas with yellow duckies all over them and pink fluffy slippers. Her hair is pulled up in a messy ponytail on top of her head. She also has a teddy bear that comes up to her shoulders and is bigger than the hobbits.
The hobbits are looking at her odd outfit when a loud shriek causes them all to look out.
"The Nazgul are coming!!!" Laina screams and hugs her teddy bear. The hobbits grab her and they run to the top of Amon Sul.
They wait, looking out for The Nazgul and before long they come.
"Go away!" Laina yells, and throws her teddy bear at them, which they slice through with their swords.
"You killed Fuzzy Wuzzy!" she screams and runs over to save him. The Ringwraiths ignore her and go after the hobbits. After pushing Sam, Merry and Pippin out of the way, they head towards Frodo, who drops his sword.
"Oh. My. god. How did you manage to drop your sword??" Laina asks.
Frodo keeps walking backwards until he falls on his back.
"You are pitiful. PITIFUL!!" Laina yells at him.
Frodo puts on the ring.
"Hey, Head Honcho Ringwraith dude, please don't stab Frodo. It's bad enough you killed Fuzzy Wuzzy."
The Nazgul don't listen to her, and stab Frodo anyway. Right then Aragorn jumps up to fight the Nazgul off.
"Would it have killed you to come all of 30 seconds earlier?" Laina demands.
Frodo pulls off the ring and screams in pain. While Aragorn is fighting the Ringwraiths, the hobbits run over the try and help Frodo.
"Oh, Sam." Frodo cries.
"Platonic!!!" a distinctly female voice screams from apparently nowhere.
"Don't look at me," Laina calls over. "I didn't say anything that time."
Laina runs over with Teddy.
"Here Frodo. You can have Teddy. He'll make you feel better. Except he's dead !" she starts to cry.
After Aragorn fights off the rest of the Nazgul, he comes to look at Frodo's wound. "I can't help him. We have to take him to the elves in Rivendell." As they run through the wild, Frodo calls out for Gandalf.
In Orthanc, a moth flies around. He goes to the top of the tower, where Gandalf is sitting, huddled up. As the moth flies by, Gandalf reaches out and grabs it.
"Don't eat it!" Laina cautions. "It might be poison."
Gandalf just glares at her. "Shut up!" he hisses.
"Okay, he's been up here alone way to long." she says to nobody in particular. "He's talking to moths."
Gandalf releases the moth and it flies down towards the pits Saruman has created. Saruman is walking through them, supervising the orcs' work.
"I can't believe this!" a high pitched voice screams. "You killed all those trees just so you could make some stupid metal helmets and dig some orcs out of the dirt? What's wrong with you?"
"How many times do I have to tell you to go away?" Saruman demands. "I'll do what I want!"
"Fine then!" Laina yells and stomps off. Her fluffy slippers don't make as much noise as she'd like them to, so she knocks over a pile of helmets as she goes.
Back in the wild, the company rests.
"Is he going to die?" Pippin asks, worried.
"He's turning into a shadow man... dude... hobbit... whatever, like the Ringwraiths, because he was stabbed by their blade." Laina tells him.
Aragorn once more looks surprised at her knowledge. "Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?" he asks.
"Athelas?"
"Kingsfoil, the weed. It might help slow the poison." Laina tells him.
"Yes." Aragorn and Sam head off to look for some.
While Aragorn is cutting some loose, a sword comes to his neck. "What's this? A ranger? Caught off his guard?" a female voice asks.
"No. He's an orc." Laina replies sarcastically. "He smells like one, anyway." she adds under her breath.
Frodo is lying on the ground, trying to catch his breath when a beautiful elf maiden (a/n:yeah, sure...)all in white rides up to him. She seems to bring light with her.
"I'm Arwen. Listen to me. Come back to the light." she tells him.
"Who is she?" Merry asks.
"She's an elf." Sam answers, awestruck.
"Thank you Captain Obvious." Laina mutters. "We know she's an elf. The problem is, she's not the right elf!" Laina starts to cry. "I want my Glorfindel!!" She runs over to Arwen, and starts to hit her.
In a dark corner in Rivendell, Glorfindel looks up. "I have a fan?" he asks, disbelieving.
"Of course you have a fan!" Laina yells, because, being Laina, she heard him. "I'm even going to start a we-love-Glorfindel fan club!"
"Somebody loves me!" Glorfindel cheers, and starts to sing he's so happy. "My gift is your song, and this one's for you..."
(a/n: Moulin Rouge, my favorite movie-after this of course. If you haven't seen it yet, then go see it. If you have, then Glorfindel sings like Ewan.)
"The first thing we're going to do is kill the bitch Arwen who stole your part!"
"And my horse!" Glorfindel adds.
"And your horse." Laina reassures him.
"Hey watch it. That's my girlfriend that you're threatening to kill." Aragorn defends her.
"Besides, you can't kill me now. I'm the faster rider." Arwen pouts.
"No way, I am." Aragorn whines.
They start to bicker.
"Oh would you shut up?" Laina orders. "We all know Glorfindel is faster than both of you. And so are your brothers, if it comes to that."
"Well Glorfindel isn't here now, is he? And neither are the twins. Besides, if I can get Frodo across the Ford, the power of my people will protect him." she giggles. "Doesn't that sound so powerful and stuff?"
"Oh fine," Aragorn sighs and hands Arwen Frodo, after she gets on Asfaloth.
(In Rivendell: "MY HORSE!!" Glorfindel yells)
"Are you mad?" Sam demands. "Those wraiths are still out there!" "Oh, and I'm sure it'll be much easier for them to catch up to an elf on a horse than to a man on foot carrying a hobbit and dragging 3 others behind him." Laina says as she rolls her eyes.
"Do you really think so?" Sam asks.
"No!"
Aragorn leans against a tree. "Oh, my head, I feel so dizzy...what just happened?" he asks. He looks around in a panic. "Where's Frodo??"
(a/n: Just in case you didn't get it, Aragorn was waaay out of character in that last bit, that's why he's so dizzy and doesn't have a clue what's going on...)
"Noro Lim Asfaloth!" Arwen urges (GLORFINDEL'S) horse on.
The Blackriders chase after her as she tries to lose them.
"Back you devils!" Laina yells at them. "Oh yeah. Sorry Sam! I stole your line!" she screams.
"Noro Lim" Arwen keeps saying.
"Could you please say something else?" Laina requests. "That's starting to get old."
Just when it seems the Blackriders might catch up to them, Arwen crosses the ford. The Ringwraiths stop on the far side.
"Give up the Halfling, She-Elf," the leader commands.
"You mean she's a she? And all this time I thought she was a man." Laina says, receiving a glare from Arwen. "What? I was kidding!"
"If you want him, come and claim him!" she tells the Wraiths.
"Yet another powerful line." Laina says, rolling her eyes. As the Ringwraiths start across the Ford, Arwen mutters in Elvish.
"Translation?" Laina offers. "Daddy! Help me. Boo hoo. I can't do this on my own. I stole Glorfindel's part. Waaah, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me Glorfindel!"
The water in the Ford starts to rise, and the water horses come and sweep the Wraiths away.
"Neigh!" Laina cheers them on.
Arwen is sitting on her horse looking very proud of herself, when Frodo starts gasping for breath.
"No, Frodo, don't give in now." Arwen whines. "I was so close to proving to everyone I could do it!"
Laina rolls her eyes yet again.
"What grace has given me..." Arwen begins.
"Oh, spare me the melodrama." Laina says, and walks away, fluffy slippers scuffing the ground.
Warning: Arwen Bashing in this chapter. I like Arwen, really I do, I just don't like Liv Tyler's portrayal, and the fact that she stole Glorfindel's part.
Glorfindel: And horse!
Right, and his horse.
Disclaimer: I own me! Uh huh. But that's it :( I don't even own the teddy bear, which I really wish I did!
Flames will be used to make caramel apples!
Chapter 4: Off to Rivendell we go!
The hobbits and Laina reach the gates of Bree and knock. The gatekeeper looks out and sees this... unusual... company.
"What do you want?" he demands.
"We're heading for the Prancing Pony." Frodo responds, sounding more confident than he actually is. "Our business is our own."
"Geez, calm down, I didn't mean to insult you." the gatekeeper answers.
They walk through Bree, heading for the inn. Men turn to look at the odd group as they walk by, sometimes bumping into people.
"Gross, you stink," Laina mutters, as they walk pass one man.
They enter the inn, trying to keep out of the way.
"Hey, Butterbur, is Gandalf here?" Laina asks. "You know, the old guy... long beard, tall hat, wears grey... "
After thinking a moment, Butterbur realises who she's talking about. "Ooh, Gandalf... he hasn't been here for almost six months."
"How'd I guess?" mutters Laina, while the hobbits exchange looks.
A few minutes later, Pippin, Sam, Frodo and Laina are sitting at a table with some drinks. Frodo tries to console Sam but isn't very successful.
Merry soon joins them carrying a big (for a hobbit) mug of beer.
Pippin stares at him in awe. "What's that?"
"This, my friend, is a pint." Merry responds, looking very proud of himself.
"I want one!" Pippin runs off to order one.
"Don't have too much!" Laina calls after him. "You can end up with cir...uh...alcohol diseases."
"See that guy in the corner Frodo?" Sam asks. "He's done nothing but stare at you since we came in."
"Oh, don't worry about him. It's just.never mind," Laina sighs, realizing there's almost no point in explaining, as they won't listen to her anyway.
Frodo stops Butterbur and asks who the man is. Butterbur tells them that he's a ranger, considered quite dangerous as he roams the wild. He's called Strider.
As Frodo sits there thinking, the ring starts to call to him. He can hear it whispering he name over and over.
"Um, Frodo? That's not the ring. That's Pippin. He's giving away your real name." Laina tells him.
"Pippin! No!" Frodo yells, running over to stop him. Pippin pushes him away, and he falls to the floor. The ring lands on his finger and he disappears.
"How convenient." Laina comments. "The ring just happens to land on his finger. Wow. Didn't see that coming." She goes and orders an apple juice while she waits for Frodo to reappear and Aragorn to drag him away.
After a couple of minutes, Frodo reappears and Aragorn drags him away. More specifically, towards the stairs.
"You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill," he says.
"Duh, Aragorn. You know perfectly well that his name isn't Mr. Underhill. His real name is Frodo Baggins." Laina interrupts.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Laina. Now go take Frodo so your room so that Sam, Merry and Pippin can come 'rescue' him. Shh, let them think they're doing a good job. It keeps them happy."
Confused, Aragorn heads to his room and takes Frodo with him.
"Who are you?" Frodo demands.
"He's Aragorn, and the future ki-"
"Shut up you stupid girl!" Aragorn cuts her off before she can give away his whole life story.
"How did you, um, disappear like that? I can avoid being seen, but I don't know how to disappear. That is no cheap toy you have." Laina had unnerved Aragorn so much that he had forgotten what he had meant to say.
"You forgot to tell him he should be scared and that you know what hunts him." Laina reminds him. She glances at her watch.
"Thank you," he responds sourly.
Just then the remaining hobbits burst through the door to save Frodo.
"About time!" Laina exclaims. "I've had to listen to them rambling for about 5 minutes now."
Aragorn continues with his line. "You're brave hobbits, but that wont help you. They are coming-"
"Dun, dun, duuuuuun," Laina yells ominously.
"You cannot wait for Gandalf any longer." Aragorn finishes, ignoring her.
Just then, a muffled thud is heard from the closet. Aragorn draws his sword, the hobbits get ready to 'fight' with their improvised weapons, and Laina looks confused.
Aragorn silently walks over to the closet and with a yell, opens the door. Out falls-
"Molly?!?" Laina yells in surprise.
A girl with medium length blond hair and blue eyes looks up slightly shocked. "Hi," she says, laughing sheepishly.
"What are you doing here?" Laina asks, laughing at the situation.
"Stalking Aragorn!" Molly responds, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"I should have known." Laina laughs.
"Ummm, who is Aragorn?" Sam asks.
For the first time, Molly notices the hobbits standing there looking confused.
"Eeeee!" she squeals. "They're so cute!!" she runs over and grabs Merry. She hugs him until he starts to turn blue.
"I can't breathe," he gasps out, trying to get some air.
"Sure you can!" Molly insists, hugging him tighter.
"No, Molly, he really can't. He's turning blue," Laina jumps in. (a/n: that actually happened to me! Hawco was choking me with his scarf and he didn't believe me that I couldn't breathe and Meighan had to save me!)
"Oh right, sorry," Molly says, reluctantly letting go.
"It's alright," Merry chokes out, fighting for air.
"Wait...you were stalking me?!?" Aragorn demands.
"Uh huh." Molly answers.
"Molly, you have to go now. This chapter is starting to get too long."
"Okay!" Molly says as she disappears.
Later that night, Sam, Merry and Pippin are asleep while Aragorn and Frodo are talking. Laina is sitting on the floor reading "The Fellowship of the Ring". Every once in a while, she looks up and mutters something like, "This is so wrong."
Suddenly everyone jumps as a loud shriek is heard. Laina shivers without thinking. "Great. The Black Riders are here on roller blades."
"What are they?" Frodo asks.
"The Nazgul, Ringwraiths, dead and alive at the same time. They were once great kings, until Sauron corrupted them with the nine rings. Now they are bound to the one ring, and will never stop chasing you for it." Aragorn tells them.
"I could have told you that," Laina mutters.
The next day they are walking.
"Into the wild we go..." Laina sings tunelessly.
"How do we know we can trust him?" Merry asks Frodo.
"Um, he can hear you." Laina tells them. "Besides, he's cool, trust me, I know this stuff."
"But where is he taking us?" Sam questions, joining the conversation.
"To Rivendell." Aragorn answers.
"Told ya he could hear you." Laina reminds them.
Sam is awestruck. "Rivendell. We're going to see the elves!"
"No, see, actually Sam, the elves all left when they heard you were coming. So sorry." she walks off laughing while Sam glares at her.
Aragorn pauses at the top of the hill to look around. When he looks back the hobbits have stopped.
Laina rolls her eyes. "Let me save you the trouble." she tells Aragorn. "No stopping until it gets dark. We've already had breakfast."
"But what about second breakfast?" Pippin asks. Aragorn just ignores him and keeps walking.
"Well, that was uncalled for! How rude!" Pippin says, outraged.
"He doesn't know about those Pippin. He doesn't know about elevenses or any of your other meals either."
Pippin looks shocked. He doesn't even see the apple that Merry catches for him before he keeps walking.
"Hey, Pippin, duck!" Laina calls to him.
"Duck? Where?" he asks. Then, as another apple hits him, "Ouch!!"
"Pippin!" Frodo yells in exasperation.
"Hey!" Laina yells. "Where did Bill the Pony come from? He wasn't here a minute ago. He just appeared." she keeps walking, muttering about how messed up everything is.
***Meanwhile in Orthanc....***
Saruman looks into the Palantir, to ask Sauron what he wants him to do.
"Woah, dude, where'd you get that manicure?" Laina asks. "I could use one."
"What are you doing here?" he demands.
"Annoying you."
"Right." he continues speaking with Sauron.
Later, Saruman is sitting on his chair looking pissed and constipated when two orcs come in and ask what they are to do.
"We are to build an army for Sauron."
"Um, Saruman, I know you think that if you help Sauron win, you'll be able to overthrow him, but it doesn't work that way. You really don't have to do this." Laina tries to stop him.
"Go away you foolish girl."
"I've seen this before, I know what happens, and trust me, it doesn't look good for you."
He ignores her, and sends the orcs off.
Outside, the orcs are ripping up the trees.
"Stop it!!" Laina is screaming at them. She runs around, kicking orcs in the shins. "You're hurting them! Damn fucking, stupid, bloody, stinky, ugly orcs!"
On top of Orthanc, Gandalf wakes up. He looks over the edge and sees the destruction below. He's surprised to see Laina actually trying to do something constructive. Saruman walks around supervising the orcs.
"The trees are strong and their roots are deep." an orc tells him. "Plus there's a really annoying girl running around and kicking us in the shins."
"Rip them all down." Saruman replies. "And ignore the girl. She'll go away...eventually."
It starts to rain and Gandalf huddles up in his cloak against the rain and cold.
"Here."
He looks up in surprise as a big white duvet is thrown at him.
"You look so pitiful and cold." Laina explains before leaving.
*** Back in the Wild***
Aragorn, Laina and the hobbits continue walking. Finally they stop. "We will rest here for the night." Aragorn tells them.
"Wow. The old watchtower of Amon Sul." Laina says. Aragorn looks at her, surprised that she actually knows something.
"What?" she demands. "I'm not as completely stupid as everybody thinks."
"I don't think you're stupid!!" Pippin exclaims.
"Good." she answers. "I'm glad someone likes me."
"I like you too!" Merry says, not to be left out.
"Yay!" she yells, and hugs them while glaring at Aragorn. Up on the watchtower, Aragorn gives the hobbits swords.
"Don't I get one?" Laina demands.
"No, sorry, I only have four."
"Fine then! If the Ringwraiths come I'll just attack hem with my bloody fingernails." she yells and then promptly disappears.
They look around, surprised she's gone. "I'm going to take a look around." Aragorn tells the hobbits, still wondering where she went to.
Later that night, Frodo awakes to the smell of smoke.
"What are you doing?" he demands.
"We made food!" Pippin says proudly.
"We saved you some." Sam adds.
"Put it out!" Frodo screams, running over and stamping out the fire with his foot.
"Careful Frodo. Wouldn't want to set your foot-hairs on fire." Laina says, yawning as she appears out of nowhere. She is wearing pink flannel pyjamas with yellow duckies all over them and pink fluffy slippers. Her hair is pulled up in a messy ponytail on top of her head. She also has a teddy bear that comes up to her shoulders and is bigger than the hobbits.
The hobbits are looking at her odd outfit when a loud shriek causes them all to look out.
"The Nazgul are coming!!!" Laina screams and hugs her teddy bear. The hobbits grab her and they run to the top of Amon Sul.
They wait, looking out for The Nazgul and before long they come.
"Go away!" Laina yells, and throws her teddy bear at them, which they slice through with their swords.
"You killed Fuzzy Wuzzy!" she screams and runs over to save him. The Ringwraiths ignore her and go after the hobbits. After pushing Sam, Merry and Pippin out of the way, they head towards Frodo, who drops his sword.
"Oh. My. god. How did you manage to drop your sword??" Laina asks.
Frodo keeps walking backwards until he falls on his back.
"You are pitiful. PITIFUL!!" Laina yells at him.
Frodo puts on the ring.
"Hey, Head Honcho Ringwraith dude, please don't stab Frodo. It's bad enough you killed Fuzzy Wuzzy."
The Nazgul don't listen to her, and stab Frodo anyway. Right then Aragorn jumps up to fight the Nazgul off.
"Would it have killed you to come all of 30 seconds earlier?" Laina demands.
Frodo pulls off the ring and screams in pain. While Aragorn is fighting the Ringwraiths, the hobbits run over the try and help Frodo.
"Oh, Sam." Frodo cries.
"Platonic!!!" a distinctly female voice screams from apparently nowhere.
"Don't look at me," Laina calls over. "I didn't say anything that time."
Laina runs over with Teddy.
"Here Frodo. You can have Teddy. He'll make you feel better. Except he's dead !" she starts to cry.
After Aragorn fights off the rest of the Nazgul, he comes to look at Frodo's wound. "I can't help him. We have to take him to the elves in Rivendell." As they run through the wild, Frodo calls out for Gandalf.
In Orthanc, a moth flies around. He goes to the top of the tower, where Gandalf is sitting, huddled up. As the moth flies by, Gandalf reaches out and grabs it.
"Don't eat it!" Laina cautions. "It might be poison."
Gandalf just glares at her. "Shut up!" he hisses.
"Okay, he's been up here alone way to long." she says to nobody in particular. "He's talking to moths."
Gandalf releases the moth and it flies down towards the pits Saruman has created. Saruman is walking through them, supervising the orcs' work.
"I can't believe this!" a high pitched voice screams. "You killed all those trees just so you could make some stupid metal helmets and dig some orcs out of the dirt? What's wrong with you?"
"How many times do I have to tell you to go away?" Saruman demands. "I'll do what I want!"
"Fine then!" Laina yells and stomps off. Her fluffy slippers don't make as much noise as she'd like them to, so she knocks over a pile of helmets as she goes.
Back in the wild, the company rests.
"Is he going to die?" Pippin asks, worried.
"He's turning into a shadow man... dude... hobbit... whatever, like the Ringwraiths, because he was stabbed by their blade." Laina tells him.
Aragorn once more looks surprised at her knowledge. "Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?" he asks.
"Athelas?"
"Kingsfoil, the weed. It might help slow the poison." Laina tells him.
"Yes." Aragorn and Sam head off to look for some.
While Aragorn is cutting some loose, a sword comes to his neck. "What's this? A ranger? Caught off his guard?" a female voice asks.
"No. He's an orc." Laina replies sarcastically. "He smells like one, anyway." she adds under her breath.
Frodo is lying on the ground, trying to catch his breath when a beautiful elf maiden (a/n:yeah, sure...)all in white rides up to him. She seems to bring light with her.
"I'm Arwen. Listen to me. Come back to the light." she tells him.
"Who is she?" Merry asks.
"She's an elf." Sam answers, awestruck.
"Thank you Captain Obvious." Laina mutters. "We know she's an elf. The problem is, she's not the right elf!" Laina starts to cry. "I want my Glorfindel!!" She runs over to Arwen, and starts to hit her.
In a dark corner in Rivendell, Glorfindel looks up. "I have a fan?" he asks, disbelieving.
"Of course you have a fan!" Laina yells, because, being Laina, she heard him. "I'm even going to start a we-love-Glorfindel fan club!"
"Somebody loves me!" Glorfindel cheers, and starts to sing he's so happy. "My gift is your song, and this one's for you..."
(a/n: Moulin Rouge, my favorite movie-after this of course. If you haven't seen it yet, then go see it. If you have, then Glorfindel sings like Ewan.)
"The first thing we're going to do is kill the bitch Arwen who stole your part!"
"And my horse!" Glorfindel adds.
"And your horse." Laina reassures him.
"Hey watch it. That's my girlfriend that you're threatening to kill." Aragorn defends her.
"Besides, you can't kill me now. I'm the faster rider." Arwen pouts.
"No way, I am." Aragorn whines.
They start to bicker.
"Oh would you shut up?" Laina orders. "We all know Glorfindel is faster than both of you. And so are your brothers, if it comes to that."
"Well Glorfindel isn't here now, is he? And neither are the twins. Besides, if I can get Frodo across the Ford, the power of my people will protect him." she giggles. "Doesn't that sound so powerful and stuff?"
"Oh fine," Aragorn sighs and hands Arwen Frodo, after she gets on Asfaloth.
(In Rivendell: "MY HORSE!!" Glorfindel yells)
"Are you mad?" Sam demands. "Those wraiths are still out there!" "Oh, and I'm sure it'll be much easier for them to catch up to an elf on a horse than to a man on foot carrying a hobbit and dragging 3 others behind him." Laina says as she rolls her eyes.
"Do you really think so?" Sam asks.
"No!"
Aragorn leans against a tree. "Oh, my head, I feel so dizzy...what just happened?" he asks. He looks around in a panic. "Where's Frodo??"
(a/n: Just in case you didn't get it, Aragorn was waaay out of character in that last bit, that's why he's so dizzy and doesn't have a clue what's going on...)
"Noro Lim Asfaloth!" Arwen urges (GLORFINDEL'S) horse on.
The Blackriders chase after her as she tries to lose them.
"Back you devils!" Laina yells at them. "Oh yeah. Sorry Sam! I stole your line!" she screams.
"Noro Lim" Arwen keeps saying.
"Could you please say something else?" Laina requests. "That's starting to get old."
Just when it seems the Blackriders might catch up to them, Arwen crosses the ford. The Ringwraiths stop on the far side.
"Give up the Halfling, She-Elf," the leader commands.
"You mean she's a she? And all this time I thought she was a man." Laina says, receiving a glare from Arwen. "What? I was kidding!"
"If you want him, come and claim him!" she tells the Wraiths.
"Yet another powerful line." Laina says, rolling her eyes. As the Ringwraiths start across the Ford, Arwen mutters in Elvish.
"Translation?" Laina offers. "Daddy! Help me. Boo hoo. I can't do this on my own. I stole Glorfindel's part. Waaah, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me Glorfindel!"
The water in the Ford starts to rise, and the water horses come and sweep the Wraiths away.
"Neigh!" Laina cheers them on.
Arwen is sitting on her horse looking very proud of herself, when Frodo starts gasping for breath.
"No, Frodo, don't give in now." Arwen whines. "I was so close to proving to everyone I could do it!"
Laina rolls her eyes yet again.
"What grace has given me..." Arwen begins.
"Oh, spare me the melodrama." Laina says, and walks away, fluffy slippers scuffing the ground.