Title:What if

Author: Mariedex

Spoilers:After FO, a year in the future.

Disclaimer: The characters in the story are the sole property of Hank Steinberg, Jerry Bruckheimer, and CBS. No copyright infringement is intended.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Samantha had to make the hardest decision of her life... to leave.

Chapter 8:

But now here she was and here he was. And all they could do was just stand there in silence. Both not looking at each other, both not knowing what comes next. He had said all they could say at the moment. She could tell from his face that his emotions were conflicted. He wasn't prepared for this, he wasn't prepared for their relationship it was just something that happened one night and than the next.

Sam asked nonchalantly as Jack and her got into the elevator. It's never easy when they don't find them alive and this one had been like that. Emotions were high and fragile, both had been up all night working on saving this kid and all of their work didn't pay off. The child was still dead and the killer had gotten away. It was now somebody else's case, their job was finished. Sam hated that, hated that they had to hand the case over. But they were the missing person's unit and when a body is found, that person is no longer missing and no longer their responsibility.

Jack and Sam like usual were the last ones to leave. Sam knew that Jack was probably staying at a hotel tonight, he usually did that when he worked late -- especially after hard cases.

Jack looked at her from a moment before he answered her question. They had often gone out for drinks before, so there was nothing unusual about her request. The unusualness was definitely on Jack's side. He knew that drinking with Sam was always a bit risky, he knew that she was a little bit too dangerous for him. He knew that lately he had been watching her, memorizing her movements, noticing how her eyes crinkled slightly when she smiled and that she hated it when her hair was in her face. The unusualness was on Jack's side because he was beginning to realize how much he enjoyed drinking with Sam, enjoyed hearing her talk, enjoyed being next to her. Tonight had been hard and he had known that she probably would want to go out for a drink. He had spent a good deal of the day trying to figure out a reason not to. But at this moment there was no excuse that came from his lips, instead he simply asked,

How about the bar by my place on 1st and 21st. I am not really in the mood for a crowd.

Sounds good. He hailed a cab and for the next moments the two sat very awkwardly apart from each other. Sam was looking at the window and Jack was staring at his lap, playing with his ring. Marie and he had had another fight the night before. He had come home too late again and she was not happy. She always was not happy. But this time the fight was a bit more serious and it was a bit more emotional. Jack slept on the couch. Tonight he had called and said that he was staying in the city. He needed to be alone he told her. He needed to think about some things, the case had been a bit too raw and he needed some time to come down - alone. And here he sat in the car with Sam, the person whom he normally came down with. For some reason, she had always been the person that could take the emotion away, to remind him that everything was all right. And he needed that tonight. They got to their stop and Sam paid the driver. Jack shook hi s head slightly, she never let him pay for cabs. She let him pay for drinks but not cabs. He ushered her into the bar, his hand lingered a bit too long on her back. Sam didn't seem to mind, perhaps she was getting used to it, he told himself. They ordered two drinks and took a secluded booth. They both didn't say anything for the longest time.

Do you think they'll be okay? She asked simply.

He answered honestly. He had seen too many cases like these to sugar coat their chances with her.

Do you think they'll catch him?



Jack looked up at her, she had a slight smile on her face. You know you could try to be positive once in awhile, it might do you some good.

That's why I have you. He smiled.

Sam squinted her eyes and laughed at him. It had been a strange comment.

Your the one who is supposed to be positive, remember.

Oh yeah. It was a past conversation they had about her negativity. He had told her that she was too young to have such a jaded image of life.

No worries right?

No worries. Do you want another drink?







Sam went up to get them another round and as she did a new party came in of men. They were loud and immediately spotted Sam. They then crowded around her as she tried to walk away. Sam rolled her eyes at Jack as she walked towards them. Scoot over. She told him. Jack looked at her questionably but did as he were told. Do I look like an easy target to you?

You do to that guy coming over?

Sam squinted her nose again, desperately trying to figure out how not to get hit on by some guy in front of her boss. She looked at Jack desperately for some help. Who gave a quick look at Sam and then at the guy. He then scooted closer and put her hand up to her face. They had kissed one time, both had been a bit too drunk and both claimed it was an accident. But this kiss was a necessity. It was polite at first and mainly for show. But quickly turned into more. It quickly became deeper. Jack could swear that he heard her moan slightly. They had crossed the line and neither one was drunk. All Jack could think about was how much he wanted her at that moment. How much he wanted to feel her skin. He reached around and pulled tighter. His hand went underneath her shirt and felt her skin. It was soft. Sam pulled away slightly and looked up at him. Waiting for his response, waiting for the instant regret that she knew he would have, instead he simply looked at her and brushed the hair out of her face. Her leg was still half over his and his hand was still under her shirt. He was making slow circles with his fingers. For that moment there was nothing else but the two of them. There were no roady guys at the bar, he was not her boss, and he was not married. For that moment, they were simply two people who wanted each other. Sam didn't know if she had the strength to back away. There was a look in his eyes that she hadn't seen before, a look that told her that he would let her in and suddenly all she wanted to be a part of him, to be let into his world. To know who he was in every way imaginable. So Sam made the decision, she got up from the table and gripped his hand. He followed her out the door obediently.

The whole walk to her building and up the stairs they had said nothing. His hand was on her back. Both were afraid that if they lost contact with each other than this would never happen. And no matter how wrong it was, they both wanted this to happen. Sam stopped at her door before unlocking it, taking one more moment to turn around. While in public she knew she could stop this, once they were in her apartment there was no turning back. She turned to look at Jack before turning the knob. He was starring at her. She turned the knob behind her and walked in backwards. Her eyes never left Jack's. He slammed the door behind her.

That first night was intense. It was as if they were both afraid to let go of each other. There was no guilt or shame afterwards, that amazed Sam. Instead there was a simple kiss on the forehead and a smile from him when he left. At first it was only sex and it was always intense but then it cooled down between them. He stopped coming over every night. Sam always thought that he was feeling guilty and was trying to make it work with Marie. Perhaps that was why being told of their separation three months later was so hard for her to take, because it wasn't working with Marie. Sam suddenly understood by the look in his eyes that night the reason it wasn't working with Marie, her. Sam had always acted as if it was some casual thing between them, that the intensity came from some form of loneliness. She had always ignored her own feelings as irrelevant. You are not supposed to fall in love with a man who is married, no matter if you were his mistress, you are not supposed to fall in love with your boss either. It was purely physical, she was positive that he had felt that way. He was bored in his marriage and she was something different. But that night, she realized that he wasn't bored. He came by later to talk. That was the first time that they had actually had a fight. He walked out on her and slammed the door. An hour later he came back and apologized. They talked all night and slept together for the first time with their clothes on. Things stayed serious with each other for a while. He left clothes at her place and she always kept half and half in the refrigerator for his coffee in the morning.

But it's hard to play house with a married man. Eventually she knew he would go back to Marie. She didn't expect, though, how lonely it would make her feel.

So here they sat in silence, both not knowing what's next. Luckily Ryan made the decision easier. A faint cry was heard from the baby monitor and it grew louder. Jack stopped in front of it and just stared. Sam took the opportunity to get up from the chair and go to her daughter. JAck didn't move. He heard her talking to the baby, calmly asking what was wrong, then followed her voice into the bedroom. He stood in the doorway for awhile watching her. Sam could feel him starring at her, but she chose to ignore him. Ryan calmed down a little but her face was still red. Sam kissed her forehead and secretly chided herself with not giving her the medicine earlier. But this wasn't the time. Ryan knew exactly what she wanted, she started to suck on Sam's clothed breast. She smiled. The whole weaning thing was a lot harder than the books made it out to be. She tried hard not to pay attention to Jack. Maybe he would just go away, but she knew better. He simply stood there watching as she sat on a chair and took her shirt off. She kept Ryan. The one thing Ryan had always been was impatient about food. There was no understanding that maybe her mother would be a little modest. She tucked her legs under her and undid her bra. The second Ryan started sucking, Sam closed her eyes for a moment and then she looked at Jack. That look must have given him courage to walk into the room, because he came right beside the chair and kneeled down to get a better look at his daughter.

This is Ryan. Sam said quietly. Jack just stared at her, he had tears in his eyes. He reached out his hand to touch her face and Ryan grabbed one of his fingers as she sucked. She held onto it, as she stared at him.

Hello Ryan. Jack then looked up at Sam who had been staring at him. His face was no longer angry. Instead there was relief, for both of them. She knew that he wasn't going to forgive her that easily but as for right now, there would be no fighting. They sat there for a while as Ryan finished. She never let go of Jack's finger instead she clinched it tighter as she looked up at him. Can I hold her? He asked and Sam simply nodded. Jack proceeded to take his daughter into his arms. Sam put her bra back on and went into her bathroom to change. It was now 3:00 in the morning and both Jack and Sam had to be at work at 7. She knew he wasn't going to leave.

She walked over to him. Here she needs to get some sleep, why don't you two lay on the bed. He did as he was told, all the time watching and holding his child. It was amazing to watch the two of them. Ryan was acting as it was the most normal thing in the world, this stranger holding her. And Jack, he was cradling her very gently but also very protectively. Sam was aware watching him that he was not simply going to vanish from her life. That at this moment he was forever going to be there. Sam stared at him for a moment trying to figure out if that was a scary thought - forever being attached to this man. Sam took his shoes off and then helped him with his pants. She didn't know if he was going to go back to the hotel room before work, so it was best not to completely crinkle his clothes. Take your shirt off. It was a command that he obeyed. She propped another pillow under him. And kissed Ryan's forehead. She then grabbed a pillow and started to walk out of the room.

He whispered. Stay here. And for the first time in their messed up relationship, she actually did as she was told. She laid down next to him and rested her head on his shoulder and put her hand on her daughter's back. They all feel asleep. It was the deepest sleep Sam had allowed herself to have in long time.

tbc