Yay! It's Chapter 7! Whoo hoo! Oh, and by the way, thank you Meighan! I
couldn't have done it without you. Quite literally. ff.net doesn't like me
and won't let me update.
Disclaimer: I own me!
Flames will be used to burn my homework
Chapter 7: Moria
As the Fellowship comes to Moria, Gimli gasps in awe.
"The walls of Moria."
"Wow," Laina says, stumbling behind. "Get over your love affair with the mountain and keep moving."
Gandalf examines the walls and explains that they will only reflect the moon and stars. Just then, the moon and stars come out.
"Wow, what a coincidence," Laina says.
"Speak friend and enter," Gandalf reads.
"What do you s'pose that means?" Merry asks.
"It's simple. If you're a friend you speak the password and the doors will open."
At this, Laina starts to bang her head against the side of the mountain.
"Are you alright?" Legolas asks her.
"Just peachy," she answers with false cheerfulness as Gandalf begins his long stream of passwords.
As Gandalf grows more and more exasperated, Laina starts muttering to herself. "Should I tell them? Then they can leave...but there'd be no white wizard...but I could save him..." Aragorn and Legolas exchanged confused looks.
Soon Gandalf throws down his staff in exasperation and Merry and Pippin begin throwing stones in the water out of boredom. Aragorn stops them. "Do not disturb the water."
"Too late," she mutters so that only Legolas hears her.
Before he can ask her what she means, Frodo yells out, "It's a riddle!"
"Took you long enough to figure it out," Laina tells them.
"What?" Pippin asks, having been distracted from his daydream when she yelled out his 'name'.
"You mean you knew all along and didn't say?" Frodo asks, slightly annoyed.
"I couldn't," she whines, about to start crying. He looks at her in disgust before asking Gandalf what the Elvish word for friend is.
"Mellon," Gandalf tells him, and the doors open. The Fellowship stands up, glad to be finally moving, but Laina doesn't even look up. They all go into the mines, and Laina trails behind.
"Soon, Master Elf, you will receive the fabled hospitality of the dwarves. Roaring fires, fresh malt, meat right off the bone."
"It's probably raw," Laina can't resist muttering innocently. Gimli glares at her, as Gandalf produces light. They all, with the exception of Laina, are shocked by the dwarf skeletons littering the entrance.
"This is no mine, it's a tomb," Boromir says.
"Really?" Laina asks sarcastically, irritated.
"Goblins," Legolas says, holding up an arrow.
"Shouldn't you call them orcs, not goblins?" Laina asks. She kind of half laughs and adds so they can't hear her (with the more than-likely exception of Legolas), "Besides, I'm pretty sure they're dwarves..."
"We're leaving...we'll use the Gap of Rohan and make for my city-" Boromir starts.
"Deja vu!" Laina chirps.
"We should never have come here. Get out!" Boromir finishes. While everyone heads towards the entrance, Laina doesn't even bother.
"Come on!" Aragorn says, grabbing her. "You don't understand..." she tries to explain, but they don't listen.
Right then, the Water Watcher grabs Frodo. "Frodo!" Merry and Pippin yell, and Sam calls for Strider. The two men and Legolas run out to help, while Laina drags the hobbits back inside.
Boromir and Aragorn cut off as many tentacles of the Water Watcher as they can, but it never seems to be the right one.
Laina is watching from the entrance and trying to give them directions. "No, not that tentacle...more to the left."
Eventually they get Frodo down and run for the entrance, while Legolas tries to distract the Water Watcher. They get inside and the entrance is pulled down behind them.
"We now have but one choice," Gandalf tells them. "To face the long dark of Moria."
"But I'm afraid of the dark," Laina whimpers. Everyone ignores her and they start on their way.
They travel for a very long time, with Laina whining at regular intervals. Finally Gandalf brings them to a stop, saying he doesn't remember this place. Laina collapses on the ground with more noise than necessary while everyone sits down quietly.
"How long have been sitting here?" Laina whines after a while.
"Forever, now shut up," Aragorn tells her.
"Really?" she asks.
Aragorn just looks at her.
"Are we lost?" Pippin asks his cousin.
"No."
"I think we are."
"Shh, Gandalf's thinking."
"Merry?"
"What?"
"I'm hungry,"
"Me too!" says Laina, who's been laughing at them the whole time.
Frodo looks behind him and sees a frog-like creature jumping after them. "Gandalf, something's following us."
"Fetal chicken!" Laina calls over.
Gandalf looks at her oddly before explaining to Frodo that it's Gollum, and that he has been following them for three days.
"I think Bilbo should have killed him when he had the chance," Frodo says angrily. "Yeah but then the ring wouldn't...oh, never mind," Laina mutters.
"There are some who deserve death, but live and there are some who deserve life but die-"
"Like Gil-Galad!" Laina sniffles.
"Can you give it to them Frodo?" Gandalf finishes.
"Wow, you're so smart and wise, and all-powerfully," Laina comments.
Without waiting for Frodo's response, Gandalf stands up and tells them which way to go.
"He's remembered!" Merry says.
"No, but the air smells fresher this way," Gandalf tells him. "Remember, Meriadoc, when in doubt, always follow your nose."
"Heaven knows that your nose is big enough to smell an orc about 1000 miles away, and underground." Laina mumbles, not loud enough for him to hear.
They head down the tunnel and soon come to the main hall. (a/n: I don't remember a lot of the stuff around here, and stupid me left the dvd in my friends computer, and god knows when I'll get it back.)
Everyone looks around. "There's a looker and no mistake," says Sam.
"Ooh, wow, rocks. Fascinating," says Laina, uninterested.
Suddenly Gimli catches sight of a room and runs towards it.
"Gimli, no," they call after him, but he doesn't stop.
"Oh, boo hoo, his uncle or whatever is dead," Laina mutters uncaring. The rest of the Fellowship run after Gimli and drag her with them, while she whines about not wanting to see a tomb.
"No, no," Gimli cries when he realizes Balin is dead. Laina rolls her eyes.
"Here lays Balin, son of Burin (a/n: don't know his name, can't check, I think it's SOMETHING like that). He is dead then," Gandalf says, reading the inscription on the tomb.
"Really? You're just figuring that out NOW?" Laina asks, pissed at being dragged into the room, and also worried because she know what's going to happen.
Gandalf hands his staff and hat to Pippin and looks around. He spots the dwarf skeleton with the book in his hand and starts to read it. Pippin looks over at the skeleton sitting on the well with interest.
As Gandalf reads the book aloud, Pippin heads over to the skeleton.
"No Pippin, don't," Laina mutters sarcastically, knowing she can't stop him and even if she could it would probably make things worse. "We cannot get out," Gandalf finishes, closing the book just as Pippin knocks the skeleton crashing down the well.
Laina can't help but wince with every crash. They're even louder than she had expected.
"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf cries, snatching back his hat and staff from Pippin.
"Leave him alone," Laina yells, wanting to tell them that Pippin actually helped, in an odd, far away way. "He's, um, I mean, it was an accident," she haltingly finishes lamely.
The drums start below and orc screeches mingle with the sound. Boromir runs to the door and looks out. Three arrows hit the door right by his face as he pulls it closed.
"Hey, there were three arrows right then, and there'll be three arrows when..." Laina trails off, sniffs and pouts.
"They have a cave troll," Boromir tells Aragorn.
"Hee, you say that so funny," Laina giggles.
"Stay behind Gandalf!" Aragorn orders the hobbits, throwing down his torch and running to help Boromir bar the door. Legolas throws axes at them to bar the door with.
"I wanna help!" Laina yells, running over as the orcs try to bang through.
"NO!" Legolas yells at her. "Go...stay with the hobbits or something." "Fine." Laina whines and goes over to stand with them. "Hey, wait a minute, I don't have anything to fight with!!" she starts hyperventilating. "I'm going to die!! And I'm only 15! Waaah!!"
Merry slaps her face as the orcs fight their way through the door. "Shut up!" he screams.
"Oh, right, sorry," she apologizes, calming down instantaneously.
As the orcs start to break through the door, Legolas begins shooting them.
"Yay Leggy," Laina calls out before realizing it's probably a better idea NOT to distract him.
The orcs break through and the Fellowship starts fighting. Pippin leads the hobbits to help.
"Yay Pippin!" Laina cheers. "Hey, wait a minute, don't leave me alone."
They're doing a pretty good job of fighting until the cave troll comes in.
"Oh, shit!" Laina screams from the back of the room. Then she starts laughing hysterically because Sam is knocking out orcs with a frying pan.
The Fellowship try desperately to kill the orcs and the cave troll. They are so busy, that they don't hear Laina screams as an orc advances on her.
"Bad orc! You stink. Go home," she tries, unsuccessfully to get it to leave her alone. "Um, HELP!" she screams at the top of her lungs.
Suddenly Rhyan (a/n: chapter 1) appears and hits it on the head with what appears to be a thin wooden stick. The orc promptly falls over, dead.
"Yay Rhyan!" Laina screams, giving him a hug. "You saved my life! What is that?"
"It's the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b!" Rhyan tells her. "Here take it. I have to go back into my tunneled basement and hide." Rhyan disappears. He has, however, gotten Laina started on her bDOOM/bs.
"bDOOM/b! bDOOM/b! bDOOM/b! GRRR!" she yells, prancing about and hitting random orcs on the head, killing them. "You're going to the bowls of hell! Oh wait, this biIS/i/b the bowls of hell. I hate dwarves."
Suddenly Pippin lets out a rather girly scream and she turns to see him, Merry, and Frodo trying to avoid the cave troll.
"Don't worry Pippin! I'll save you with my wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b!" she yells running over.
Pippin and Merry jump to one side, while Frodo jumps to the other. The cave troll goes after Frodo, chasing him around a pillar. Just when Frodo relaxes, the cave troll appears in front of him. Frodo screams and tries to get away. Aragorn runs to his aide, but is knocked out.
"Aragorn!" Frodo cries out. The cave troll appears to spear him, and he slumps to the ground. Merry and Pippin look at each other with shock and jump on the troll with a yell.
"But he's not dead," Laina says, just standing there holding her wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b. Nobody hears her above all the noise.
The cave troll throws Merry off and he lands on the ground a few feet away. Laina runs over and drags him away.
Pippin hits the cave troll on the head, causing him to look up and expose his throat. Legolas shoots him in the throat, killing him, and he falls, sending Pippin flying a few feet away.
"Yay Leggy, you killed him!" Laina says, running over and hugging him. He ignores her, however, and runs over to Frodo, as does the rest of the Fellowship, mourning their "dead" friend.
Laina stomps her foot and whines. "Frodo shmodo. It's not like there's anything wrong with him. Jeez Louise. I didn't even have a freakin bWEAPON/b! If Rhyan hadn't of shown up with the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b, I'd be iDEAD /inow."
To everyone's non-existent response of concern, she responds, "Well, it's nice to know how you all care about me iever/i so much."
To everyone's surprise, Frodo awakens with a gasp of air. "It cannot be," whispers Aragorn with amazement.
Laina looks at him with a glint in her eyes. "Were you plotting this all along?" she asks suspiciously.
"You're alright!" cries Sam.
"I told you so! But nobody bEVER/b listens to me. No, let's ignore the one who knows what's going on. Don't let her have a weapon, maybe she'll die. Nobody cares about me." Laina rants.
They all ignore her bAGAIN/b as Frodo shows them the mithril coat. The drums pick up once more from below.
"To the bridge of Kazad-Dum!" Gandalf yells, urging them on.
"My god, your nose is ibHUGE/b/i!" Laina exclaims.
They race through the hall, desperately trying to reach the bridge before the orcs catch up to them. Soon, however, they are surrounded by orcs. The Fellowship prepare to fight, although it's hopeless.
"That's so brave," Laina sighs. She then runs over and taps one of the orcs on the head with the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b. He falls over dead. Before the orcs can retaliate, a deep noise is heard from the depths of Moria.
"Satan is coming from the bowls of hell!" Laina cries.
The orcs begin to run away, and Gimli looks proud of himself.
"You ass! What, do you think you scared them away? Grr, I'm a dwarf, how terrifying, you shall fear my stench," Laina mocks him.
A deep light like fire comes from the far end of the hall. Gandalf closes his eyes and Legolas prepares to shoot. Laina starts to bawl.
"That's so sad. He's terrified," she sobs, referring to Legolas.
"What new devilry is this?" Boromir demands over Laina's sniffles.
"A Balrog, a demon of old. We cannot fight it," Gandalf tells them. Legolas looks ready to pass out. "Run!"
They take off down the hall as fast as they can. In his effort to get away, Legolas throws Laina behind.
"Hey! That's not very nice!" she calls, hurrying after them again.
They run for the stairs and as Boromir rushes down, he almost falls off the edge as they end suddenly. He drops his torch as Legolas grabs him.
"Jeez, you know, I think you'd all be dead by now if it wasn't for pretty boy over there," Laina comments.
Gandalf pulls Aragorn away. "Swords are no more use here. YOU must lead them to the bridge of Kazad-Dum!" When Aragorn doesn't run off right away, he pushes him. "Go!"
"What's up your ass?" Aragorn mutters as he runs off, leading them down the stairs.
They reach a huge gap in the stairs. Legolas leaps across and the others pause. "Damn perfect elves," Laina mutters under her breath.
"Gandalf!" Legolas calls, and Gandalf jumps too. Boromir picks up Merry and Pippin and jumps across the gap, where they are pulled safely from the edge.
Aragorn is about to throw Gimli across, but Gimli stops him. "Nobody tosses a dwarf!" he announces, preparing to drop.
"Ha! You say that now!" Laina tells him as he jumps across.
Legolas grabs his beard just in time to keep him from falling off the edge of the step. "Not the beard!" Gimli yells in pain.
"Rip it off!" Laina yells viciously. "Damn stinky stupid dwarves," she mutters to herself.
Orcs suddenly appear and begin shooting arrows at our heroes. Legolas shoots back, and hits every single one that he aims for.
"What the hell?" Laina demands. "That damned arrow just changed its god damned iflight path/i and hit an orc in the middle of the forehead. You're an elf, that doesn't mean you can change the flight path of an arrow!"
Slowly the stairs that Frodo, Aragorn and Laina are still standing on start falling.
"Oh my god! I'm going to fall off. Help me, help me! How am I going to get off here?" Laina spazzes.
Aragorn shoves her and she goes flying across barely landing on the edge. Nobody tries to help her.
"Thanks a lot," she mutters, moving away as Frodo and Aragorn try to tip the part of the stairs they're on. "Oh, that's really going to work," she tells them. The stairs fall, and Frodo and Aragorn jump to the proper side, where they are quickly pulled to safety by their friends. "Oh, shut up," Laina growls before anyone has a chance to say anything to her. "Sure, help them but not me," she can't resist adding under her breath.
They hurriedly continue on their way, with Laina trailing behind, muttering about how everyone hates her.
They reach the bridge and everyone runs across but Gandalf stays behind, facing the flames. Laina stops in the middle of the bridge, looks down, realizes she's over a bottomless pit, and sits down, refusing to move anymore.
"Laina, come one," they urge her. She looks up at them and shakes her head, too scared to move.
Legolas sighs in exasperation before running out, grabbing her, and pulling her across the bridge. He's just in time, because as they reach the far side, the Balrog appears from the flames.
Gandalf runs across the bridge and stops halfway across. The Balrog continues after him. Gandalf turns to the Balrog and says, "I am the wielder of the secret flame of Anor. You shall not pass!" The Balrog continues on. Laina starts sobbing. "You shall not pass!" Gandalf screams again, shoving his staff into the bridge. The Balrog takes another step forward, whip flying, and the bridge breaks, sending him tumbling into the abyss. Gandalf turns to start across the bridge and everyone sighs with relief, except for Laina, who just sobs harder than ever.
Suddenly the Balrog's whip flies up and grabs Gandalf's leg, pulling him down. He grasps the edge of the bridge.
"Gandalf!" Frodo screams, running toward him.
"No!" Boromir yells after Frodo and holds him back.
"Hey, cool! Everything is in slow motion," Laina says in wonder, waving her arms in front of her face. Everyone stares at her oddly, before turning back to Gandalf.
"Fly, you fools," he tells them, before letting go and falling after the Balrog.
"No!" Frodo screams, fighting to get free of Boromir who hauls him away.
"No way!" Laina screams indignantly. "He iso/i could have pulled himself up!"
Aragorn looks on in disbelief, frozen in time for an instant.
"Aragorn!" Boromir yells and suddenly Aragorn is aware of the dozens of orc arrows aimed at his head. He hurries after the rest of the company still waiting for Gandalf to somehow climb back up.
They finally get free of the mines and outside on the rocks they finally stop to rest. The hobbits collapse in tears, Leoglas looks like a lost puppy dog, and Boromir tries to restrain Gimli from running back inside after Gandalf. For once Laina doesn't make fun of him because she's crying too hard.
"I don't like the stupid bloody Balrog and the stupid bloody orcs and Gandalf had to let go." she managed to splutter out between sobs.
Pippin is sobbing on the ground while Merry (tears streaming down his face as well) strokes his arm in comfort.
"Platonic!!!" an unseen voice screams. The voice is distinctly female and is vaguely and eerily familiar. Everyone pauses for a second to try and think who it belongs to, but they can't remember.
"I agree with the unseen voice, and only I know who it really is!" Laina states stoutly.
"Legolas, get them up," Aragorn tells him after a few short minutes.
"Give them a moment, for pity's sake," Boromir insists.
"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs. Do you still want to be here? I don't. We must make for Lorien, and the protection of the elves," Aragorn tells him. "Legolas, Boromir, Gimli, get them up."
He doesn't notice Laina mouthing his words right along with him while pouting. He pulls up the hobbits.
"Hey, you know, you asked Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli to help, and then you went and did everything yourself. Why'd you ask for help if you didn't want it?" Laina demands.
He ignores her and goes off looking for Frodo. He finally finds him some distance away holding the ring. Tears are streaming down his face.
"What bloody fuck was that all about?" Laina mutters grumpily as they set off.
(a/n: I am ibSO/b/i sorry about this chapter. Not only did it take me iforever/i to write, it was terrible too. Except for the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b part. I iliked/i that part. I really did. I think I was high or something when I wrote it. But other than that, it sucked. I'm sorry. Pwease fwogive me? Yes, I hope my later chapters will be better.
Who is the unseen voice?
Will our heroes reach Lorien safetly? (Well, duh)
Will the next chapter suck too?
Is anyone even reading this?
Find out next time! (dun, dun, duuuuun)
Disclaimer: I own me!
Flames will be used to burn my homework
Chapter 7: Moria
As the Fellowship comes to Moria, Gimli gasps in awe.
"The walls of Moria."
"Wow," Laina says, stumbling behind. "Get over your love affair with the mountain and keep moving."
Gandalf examines the walls and explains that they will only reflect the moon and stars. Just then, the moon and stars come out.
"Wow, what a coincidence," Laina says.
"Speak friend and enter," Gandalf reads.
"What do you s'pose that means?" Merry asks.
"It's simple. If you're a friend you speak the password and the doors will open."
At this, Laina starts to bang her head against the side of the mountain.
"Are you alright?" Legolas asks her.
"Just peachy," she answers with false cheerfulness as Gandalf begins his long stream of passwords.
As Gandalf grows more and more exasperated, Laina starts muttering to herself. "Should I tell them? Then they can leave...but there'd be no white wizard...but I could save him..." Aragorn and Legolas exchanged confused looks.
Soon Gandalf throws down his staff in exasperation and Merry and Pippin begin throwing stones in the water out of boredom. Aragorn stops them. "Do not disturb the water."
"Too late," she mutters so that only Legolas hears her.
Before he can ask her what she means, Frodo yells out, "It's a riddle!"
"Took you long enough to figure it out," Laina tells them.
"What?" Pippin asks, having been distracted from his daydream when she yelled out his 'name'.
"You mean you knew all along and didn't say?" Frodo asks, slightly annoyed.
"I couldn't," she whines, about to start crying. He looks at her in disgust before asking Gandalf what the Elvish word for friend is.
"Mellon," Gandalf tells him, and the doors open. The Fellowship stands up, glad to be finally moving, but Laina doesn't even look up. They all go into the mines, and Laina trails behind.
"Soon, Master Elf, you will receive the fabled hospitality of the dwarves. Roaring fires, fresh malt, meat right off the bone."
"It's probably raw," Laina can't resist muttering innocently. Gimli glares at her, as Gandalf produces light. They all, with the exception of Laina, are shocked by the dwarf skeletons littering the entrance.
"This is no mine, it's a tomb," Boromir says.
"Really?" Laina asks sarcastically, irritated.
"Goblins," Legolas says, holding up an arrow.
"Shouldn't you call them orcs, not goblins?" Laina asks. She kind of half laughs and adds so they can't hear her (with the more than-likely exception of Legolas), "Besides, I'm pretty sure they're dwarves..."
"We're leaving...we'll use the Gap of Rohan and make for my city-" Boromir starts.
"Deja vu!" Laina chirps.
"We should never have come here. Get out!" Boromir finishes. While everyone heads towards the entrance, Laina doesn't even bother.
"Come on!" Aragorn says, grabbing her. "You don't understand..." she tries to explain, but they don't listen.
Right then, the Water Watcher grabs Frodo. "Frodo!" Merry and Pippin yell, and Sam calls for Strider. The two men and Legolas run out to help, while Laina drags the hobbits back inside.
Boromir and Aragorn cut off as many tentacles of the Water Watcher as they can, but it never seems to be the right one.
Laina is watching from the entrance and trying to give them directions. "No, not that tentacle...more to the left."
Eventually they get Frodo down and run for the entrance, while Legolas tries to distract the Water Watcher. They get inside and the entrance is pulled down behind them.
"We now have but one choice," Gandalf tells them. "To face the long dark of Moria."
"But I'm afraid of the dark," Laina whimpers. Everyone ignores her and they start on their way.
They travel for a very long time, with Laina whining at regular intervals. Finally Gandalf brings them to a stop, saying he doesn't remember this place. Laina collapses on the ground with more noise than necessary while everyone sits down quietly.
"How long have been sitting here?" Laina whines after a while.
"Forever, now shut up," Aragorn tells her.
"Really?" she asks.
Aragorn just looks at her.
"Are we lost?" Pippin asks his cousin.
"No."
"I think we are."
"Shh, Gandalf's thinking."
"Merry?"
"What?"
"I'm hungry,"
"Me too!" says Laina, who's been laughing at them the whole time.
Frodo looks behind him and sees a frog-like creature jumping after them. "Gandalf, something's following us."
"Fetal chicken!" Laina calls over.
Gandalf looks at her oddly before explaining to Frodo that it's Gollum, and that he has been following them for three days.
"I think Bilbo should have killed him when he had the chance," Frodo says angrily. "Yeah but then the ring wouldn't...oh, never mind," Laina mutters.
"There are some who deserve death, but live and there are some who deserve life but die-"
"Like Gil-Galad!" Laina sniffles.
"Can you give it to them Frodo?" Gandalf finishes.
"Wow, you're so smart and wise, and all-powerfully," Laina comments.
Without waiting for Frodo's response, Gandalf stands up and tells them which way to go.
"He's remembered!" Merry says.
"No, but the air smells fresher this way," Gandalf tells him. "Remember, Meriadoc, when in doubt, always follow your nose."
"Heaven knows that your nose is big enough to smell an orc about 1000 miles away, and underground." Laina mumbles, not loud enough for him to hear.
They head down the tunnel and soon come to the main hall. (a/n: I don't remember a lot of the stuff around here, and stupid me left the dvd in my friends computer, and god knows when I'll get it back.)
Everyone looks around. "There's a looker and no mistake," says Sam.
"Ooh, wow, rocks. Fascinating," says Laina, uninterested.
Suddenly Gimli catches sight of a room and runs towards it.
"Gimli, no," they call after him, but he doesn't stop.
"Oh, boo hoo, his uncle or whatever is dead," Laina mutters uncaring. The rest of the Fellowship run after Gimli and drag her with them, while she whines about not wanting to see a tomb.
"No, no," Gimli cries when he realizes Balin is dead. Laina rolls her eyes.
"Here lays Balin, son of Burin (a/n: don't know his name, can't check, I think it's SOMETHING like that). He is dead then," Gandalf says, reading the inscription on the tomb.
"Really? You're just figuring that out NOW?" Laina asks, pissed at being dragged into the room, and also worried because she know what's going to happen.
Gandalf hands his staff and hat to Pippin and looks around. He spots the dwarf skeleton with the book in his hand and starts to read it. Pippin looks over at the skeleton sitting on the well with interest.
As Gandalf reads the book aloud, Pippin heads over to the skeleton.
"No Pippin, don't," Laina mutters sarcastically, knowing she can't stop him and even if she could it would probably make things worse. "We cannot get out," Gandalf finishes, closing the book just as Pippin knocks the skeleton crashing down the well.
Laina can't help but wince with every crash. They're even louder than she had expected.
"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf cries, snatching back his hat and staff from Pippin.
"Leave him alone," Laina yells, wanting to tell them that Pippin actually helped, in an odd, far away way. "He's, um, I mean, it was an accident," she haltingly finishes lamely.
The drums start below and orc screeches mingle with the sound. Boromir runs to the door and looks out. Three arrows hit the door right by his face as he pulls it closed.
"Hey, there were three arrows right then, and there'll be three arrows when..." Laina trails off, sniffs and pouts.
"They have a cave troll," Boromir tells Aragorn.
"Hee, you say that so funny," Laina giggles.
"Stay behind Gandalf!" Aragorn orders the hobbits, throwing down his torch and running to help Boromir bar the door. Legolas throws axes at them to bar the door with.
"I wanna help!" Laina yells, running over as the orcs try to bang through.
"NO!" Legolas yells at her. "Go...stay with the hobbits or something." "Fine." Laina whines and goes over to stand with them. "Hey, wait a minute, I don't have anything to fight with!!" she starts hyperventilating. "I'm going to die!! And I'm only 15! Waaah!!"
Merry slaps her face as the orcs fight their way through the door. "Shut up!" he screams.
"Oh, right, sorry," she apologizes, calming down instantaneously.
As the orcs start to break through the door, Legolas begins shooting them.
"Yay Leggy," Laina calls out before realizing it's probably a better idea NOT to distract him.
The orcs break through and the Fellowship starts fighting. Pippin leads the hobbits to help.
"Yay Pippin!" Laina cheers. "Hey, wait a minute, don't leave me alone."
They're doing a pretty good job of fighting until the cave troll comes in.
"Oh, shit!" Laina screams from the back of the room. Then she starts laughing hysterically because Sam is knocking out orcs with a frying pan.
The Fellowship try desperately to kill the orcs and the cave troll. They are so busy, that they don't hear Laina screams as an orc advances on her.
"Bad orc! You stink. Go home," she tries, unsuccessfully to get it to leave her alone. "Um, HELP!" she screams at the top of her lungs.
Suddenly Rhyan (a/n: chapter 1) appears and hits it on the head with what appears to be a thin wooden stick. The orc promptly falls over, dead.
"Yay Rhyan!" Laina screams, giving him a hug. "You saved my life! What is that?"
"It's the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b!" Rhyan tells her. "Here take it. I have to go back into my tunneled basement and hide." Rhyan disappears. He has, however, gotten Laina started on her bDOOM/bs.
"bDOOM/b! bDOOM/b! bDOOM/b! GRRR!" she yells, prancing about and hitting random orcs on the head, killing them. "You're going to the bowls of hell! Oh wait, this biIS/i/b the bowls of hell. I hate dwarves."
Suddenly Pippin lets out a rather girly scream and she turns to see him, Merry, and Frodo trying to avoid the cave troll.
"Don't worry Pippin! I'll save you with my wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b!" she yells running over.
Pippin and Merry jump to one side, while Frodo jumps to the other. The cave troll goes after Frodo, chasing him around a pillar. Just when Frodo relaxes, the cave troll appears in front of him. Frodo screams and tries to get away. Aragorn runs to his aide, but is knocked out.
"Aragorn!" Frodo cries out. The cave troll appears to spear him, and he slumps to the ground. Merry and Pippin look at each other with shock and jump on the troll with a yell.
"But he's not dead," Laina says, just standing there holding her wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b. Nobody hears her above all the noise.
The cave troll throws Merry off and he lands on the ground a few feet away. Laina runs over and drags him away.
Pippin hits the cave troll on the head, causing him to look up and expose his throat. Legolas shoots him in the throat, killing him, and he falls, sending Pippin flying a few feet away.
"Yay Leggy, you killed him!" Laina says, running over and hugging him. He ignores her, however, and runs over to Frodo, as does the rest of the Fellowship, mourning their "dead" friend.
Laina stomps her foot and whines. "Frodo shmodo. It's not like there's anything wrong with him. Jeez Louise. I didn't even have a freakin bWEAPON/b! If Rhyan hadn't of shown up with the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b, I'd be iDEAD /inow."
To everyone's non-existent response of concern, she responds, "Well, it's nice to know how you all care about me iever/i so much."
To everyone's surprise, Frodo awakens with a gasp of air. "It cannot be," whispers Aragorn with amazement.
Laina looks at him with a glint in her eyes. "Were you plotting this all along?" she asks suspiciously.
"You're alright!" cries Sam.
"I told you so! But nobody bEVER/b listens to me. No, let's ignore the one who knows what's going on. Don't let her have a weapon, maybe she'll die. Nobody cares about me." Laina rants.
They all ignore her bAGAIN/b as Frodo shows them the mithril coat. The drums pick up once more from below.
"To the bridge of Kazad-Dum!" Gandalf yells, urging them on.
"My god, your nose is ibHUGE/b/i!" Laina exclaims.
They race through the hall, desperately trying to reach the bridge before the orcs catch up to them. Soon, however, they are surrounded by orcs. The Fellowship prepare to fight, although it's hopeless.
"That's so brave," Laina sighs. She then runs over and taps one of the orcs on the head with the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b. He falls over dead. Before the orcs can retaliate, a deep noise is heard from the depths of Moria.
"Satan is coming from the bowls of hell!" Laina cries.
The orcs begin to run away, and Gimli looks proud of himself.
"You ass! What, do you think you scared them away? Grr, I'm a dwarf, how terrifying, you shall fear my stench," Laina mocks him.
A deep light like fire comes from the far end of the hall. Gandalf closes his eyes and Legolas prepares to shoot. Laina starts to bawl.
"That's so sad. He's terrified," she sobs, referring to Legolas.
"What new devilry is this?" Boromir demands over Laina's sniffles.
"A Balrog, a demon of old. We cannot fight it," Gandalf tells them. Legolas looks ready to pass out. "Run!"
They take off down the hall as fast as they can. In his effort to get away, Legolas throws Laina behind.
"Hey! That's not very nice!" she calls, hurrying after them again.
They run for the stairs and as Boromir rushes down, he almost falls off the edge as they end suddenly. He drops his torch as Legolas grabs him.
"Jeez, you know, I think you'd all be dead by now if it wasn't for pretty boy over there," Laina comments.
Gandalf pulls Aragorn away. "Swords are no more use here. YOU must lead them to the bridge of Kazad-Dum!" When Aragorn doesn't run off right away, he pushes him. "Go!"
"What's up your ass?" Aragorn mutters as he runs off, leading them down the stairs.
They reach a huge gap in the stairs. Legolas leaps across and the others pause. "Damn perfect elves," Laina mutters under her breath.
"Gandalf!" Legolas calls, and Gandalf jumps too. Boromir picks up Merry and Pippin and jumps across the gap, where they are pulled safely from the edge.
Aragorn is about to throw Gimli across, but Gimli stops him. "Nobody tosses a dwarf!" he announces, preparing to drop.
"Ha! You say that now!" Laina tells him as he jumps across.
Legolas grabs his beard just in time to keep him from falling off the edge of the step. "Not the beard!" Gimli yells in pain.
"Rip it off!" Laina yells viciously. "Damn stinky stupid dwarves," she mutters to herself.
Orcs suddenly appear and begin shooting arrows at our heroes. Legolas shoots back, and hits every single one that he aims for.
"What the hell?" Laina demands. "That damned arrow just changed its god damned iflight path/i and hit an orc in the middle of the forehead. You're an elf, that doesn't mean you can change the flight path of an arrow!"
Slowly the stairs that Frodo, Aragorn and Laina are still standing on start falling.
"Oh my god! I'm going to fall off. Help me, help me! How am I going to get off here?" Laina spazzes.
Aragorn shoves her and she goes flying across barely landing on the edge. Nobody tries to help her.
"Thanks a lot," she mutters, moving away as Frodo and Aragorn try to tip the part of the stairs they're on. "Oh, that's really going to work," she tells them. The stairs fall, and Frodo and Aragorn jump to the proper side, where they are quickly pulled to safety by their friends. "Oh, shut up," Laina growls before anyone has a chance to say anything to her. "Sure, help them but not me," she can't resist adding under her breath.
They hurriedly continue on their way, with Laina trailing behind, muttering about how everyone hates her.
They reach the bridge and everyone runs across but Gandalf stays behind, facing the flames. Laina stops in the middle of the bridge, looks down, realizes she's over a bottomless pit, and sits down, refusing to move anymore.
"Laina, come one," they urge her. She looks up at them and shakes her head, too scared to move.
Legolas sighs in exasperation before running out, grabbing her, and pulling her across the bridge. He's just in time, because as they reach the far side, the Balrog appears from the flames.
Gandalf runs across the bridge and stops halfway across. The Balrog continues after him. Gandalf turns to the Balrog and says, "I am the wielder of the secret flame of Anor. You shall not pass!" The Balrog continues on. Laina starts sobbing. "You shall not pass!" Gandalf screams again, shoving his staff into the bridge. The Balrog takes another step forward, whip flying, and the bridge breaks, sending him tumbling into the abyss. Gandalf turns to start across the bridge and everyone sighs with relief, except for Laina, who just sobs harder than ever.
Suddenly the Balrog's whip flies up and grabs Gandalf's leg, pulling him down. He grasps the edge of the bridge.
"Gandalf!" Frodo screams, running toward him.
"No!" Boromir yells after Frodo and holds him back.
"Hey, cool! Everything is in slow motion," Laina says in wonder, waving her arms in front of her face. Everyone stares at her oddly, before turning back to Gandalf.
"Fly, you fools," he tells them, before letting go and falling after the Balrog.
"No!" Frodo screams, fighting to get free of Boromir who hauls him away.
"No way!" Laina screams indignantly. "He iso/i could have pulled himself up!"
Aragorn looks on in disbelief, frozen in time for an instant.
"Aragorn!" Boromir yells and suddenly Aragorn is aware of the dozens of orc arrows aimed at his head. He hurries after the rest of the company still waiting for Gandalf to somehow climb back up.
They finally get free of the mines and outside on the rocks they finally stop to rest. The hobbits collapse in tears, Leoglas looks like a lost puppy dog, and Boromir tries to restrain Gimli from running back inside after Gandalf. For once Laina doesn't make fun of him because she's crying too hard.
"I don't like the stupid bloody Balrog and the stupid bloody orcs and Gandalf had to let go." she managed to splutter out between sobs.
Pippin is sobbing on the ground while Merry (tears streaming down his face as well) strokes his arm in comfort.
"Platonic!!!" an unseen voice screams. The voice is distinctly female and is vaguely and eerily familiar. Everyone pauses for a second to try and think who it belongs to, but they can't remember.
"I agree with the unseen voice, and only I know who it really is!" Laina states stoutly.
"Legolas, get them up," Aragorn tells him after a few short minutes.
"Give them a moment, for pity's sake," Boromir insists.
"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs. Do you still want to be here? I don't. We must make for Lorien, and the protection of the elves," Aragorn tells him. "Legolas, Boromir, Gimli, get them up."
He doesn't notice Laina mouthing his words right along with him while pouting. He pulls up the hobbits.
"Hey, you know, you asked Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli to help, and then you went and did everything yourself. Why'd you ask for help if you didn't want it?" Laina demands.
He ignores her and goes off looking for Frodo. He finally finds him some distance away holding the ring. Tears are streaming down his face.
"What bloody fuck was that all about?" Laina mutters grumpily as they set off.
(a/n: I am ibSO/b/i sorry about this chapter. Not only did it take me iforever/i to write, it was terrible too. Except for the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b part. I iliked/i that part. I really did. I think I was high or something when I wrote it. But other than that, it sucked. I'm sorry. Pwease fwogive me? Yes, I hope my later chapters will be better.
Who is the unseen voice?
Will our heroes reach Lorien safetly? (Well, duh)
Will the next chapter suck too?
Is anyone even reading this?
Find out next time! (dun, dun, duuuuun)