Gasp! It's the last chapter. Whoo hoo! I've finally finished this stupid
fic! Just in time for TTT to come out on DVD (4 days) and start the second.
Which will be up separately, by the way, provided you want me to continue.
I hope you do, because I have plans too. Buah ha ha ha! I really like this
chapter too. It's actually funny. Sort of. I'd also like to apologize in
advance to anyone who takes offense to the Sylvan thing. I'm not making fun
of the actual place or anyone who goes there. In fact, my brother goes
there. (Of course, I DO make fun of him, but that's because he's my
brother. It has nothing to do with that.) But you have to admit, the
commercials are completely retarded. Plus that part was written at 2 in the
morning. It struck me as absolutely hilarious at the time.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for me, the mary sue I DON'T want (any takers?) and the rubber duckie. Oh yeah, and I own the Jesus Christ Super Frog. Sort of. He's actually dead, thanks to Bio class. But I do own the lyrics to that song (sung to the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar, if you couldn't figure it out).
*
Once he had killed the orc, Aragorn paused for a moment, breathing hard. Then he remembered. "Boromir," he muttered, racing to his fallen friend's side.
Boromir was lying on his back, gasping for breath. Meghan stood nearby, biting her lip. Even the Mary Sue was quiet. Aragorn stopped beside Boromir, knowing it was hopeless Still he knelt down, prepared to do all he could. As he started to remove the embedded arrows, Boromir stopped him.
"No," he said, his eyes betraying the hopelessness of the situation. "There is no more you can do. Help the little ones. They've taken Merry and Pippin. Marinella, I want you to know that I will always lo-" he stopped abruptly as Meghan smacked Marinella and turned off her charm.
"Have you no respect at all?" she hissed to the Sue as Boromir and Aragorn continued speaking. "He's dying, can't you at least leave him alone on his deathbed?" For once, the Mary Sue did something right, and they both sobered as Boromir whispered his last words.
"My captain, my king."
Unfortunately, that was only as long as she could manage to stay quiet. Legolas and Gimli rejoined them just in time to hear her outraged squeals.
"Oh my god, they are so gay!" she shrieked as Aragorn kissed Boromir on the forehead in a gesture of farewell.
"They are not fucking gay!" Meghan hissed through gritted teeth. "It's a fucking PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP!" Irritated beyond words, Meghan took out a handful of pens that had appeared in her pocket. One by one she threw them at what's-her-face's forehead, turning the girl into a human dartboard. The pens stuck out of Marinella's forehead like needles in a pincushion. Blue, black and red ink spurted from the wounds, mixing with blood. The liquid dripped into her eyes, obscuring her vision and causing great pain.
"My eyes are burning! And I think you messed up my hair!" she shrieked, running around aimlessly. "Where's my precious Leggy-Weggy? Come save me!"
But, as I'm sure we all know (or can imagine at any rate) racing around stupidly with pens stuck in your forehead rather ruins any charm you might hold, and as such Legolas was released from any spell Marinella might have cast on him. He discreetly moved away whenever she came too close. Finally she ran headfirst into a tree, fell back on her ass, and disappeared.
"GOD, she was annoying," Meghan announced.
"Thank you," Legolas sighed gratefully, looking desperately relieved.
"No problem!" Meghan laughed, a lot happier now that the moron was gone.
*
Frodo stood on the shore, looking out over the water. He held the ring in his palm and his massively blue eyes were glassy with unshed tears. Memories flooded his mind. He could hear himself speaking.
"I wish none of this had ever happened. I wish the ring had never come to me."
"So do all who live to see such times." Letting his mind wander, Frodo could see Gandalf's face, standing out in the background of Moria. "But it is not for them to decide." His next words were drowned out by Laina's rendition of 'I'm a Little Teapot', complete with actions. Rolling his eyes in suppressed mirth, Frodo turned back to Gandalf but found his face already fading.
"Having fun?" Laina asked, popping up in front of him.
"Are you speaking to me?" Frodo asked in surprise.
"No, I'm speaking to the herd of platypi behind you. Of course I'm speaking to you!"
"But you are a memory," he protested. "At least, I think you are. This is still Moria. But if you are a memory, how are you able to speak of your own free will?"
"Frodo, stop. You're confusing me. I'm the exception," Laina explained authoritively.
"To what?" Frodo was confused.
"Jesus, I don't know. To everything! Now hurry up and get going." Laina gave Frodo a push, jolting him out of his reverie. Running forward, he jumped into a boat as he pushed it into the water. Something caught the corner of his eye, and he looked back. He could have sworn he'd seen Laina racing through the trees, but she was gone.
"Frodo!" Looking back, Frodo saw Sam emerging from the trees. "Frodo, wait!"
"No Sam. I'm going to Mordor alone," Frodo insisted.
"Of course you are, Mister Frodo," Sam agreed. "And I'm coming with you." Frodo ignored this, continuing to paddle until he heard the sounds of splashing water. He glanced back and stopped as he saw Sam struggling to wade through the water.
"No Sam. Go back! You can't swim!" Frodo shouted.
"'Course I can. Miss Laina gave me a rubber duckie that she said would make me able to swim." He held up the object in question.
"No Sam!" The both looked in surprise as Laina ran along the shore, an orc in close pursuit of her. "I said that if you believed in yourself and practiced a lot, you could LEARN to swim!" She disappeared again.
"Whoops," Sam said as he began to sink. Frodo turned the boat around and reached in to haul his loyal friend, coughing and spluttering, into the boat. "I made a promise, Mister Frodo. A promise!" Sam gasped.
"Say it, don't spray it," Laina admonished, drifting lazily by while the orc sloshed after her. Doing his best to ignore them, Sam continued.
"And I intend to keep it."
"Oh Sam," Frodo sighed, embracing his friend.
"This moment brought to you by Sylvan Learning Centre. I used to be stupid, now I'm smart. Debatably." This time, Laina was walking on the water, while the orc continued to slosh behind. "I am Jesus, hear me roar!"
"Explain to me WHY we have yet to kill that orc," Frodo said.
"No! You can't kill him for important reasons relating to future events that you must remain ignorant of until said time," Laina announced. Frodo and Sam stared at her blankly. "He comes out useful later," she explained. "Besides, it's kind of fun dragging him along. I think he's getting tired." With that, she took off skipping across the water, singing at the top of her lungs, "Jesus Christ! Super Frog! Do you think you're who they say you... bog."
*
While Frodo and Sam paddled to the far shore, Legolas, Aragorn, Meghan and Gimli burst through the trees.
"Hurry!" Legolas urged. "Frodo and Same have reached the eastern shore."
Meghan giggled. "You're so gung ho!"
Legolas stopped as he realized none of them were following.
"You mean not to follow them."
"Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands," Aragorn stated calmly. Legolas looked forlorn.
"It was all in vain then?" Gimli demanded.
"Don't say that!" Meghan admonished. "There's still hope! There's always hope! Hope is like oxygen! Hope is a many splendored thing! Hope lifts use up where we belong! A-"
"All you need is hope," Aragorn finished in a deadpan. Meghan looked suspicious.
"Exactly," she agreed.
"How did you know that?" Legolas questioned curiously.
"You do not wish to know," Aragorn answered.
"If we could get back to the present situation," Gimli interrupted them.
"Of course. We will not leave Merry and Pippin to torment," Aragorn announced.
"And Casey," Meghan added.
"Yes, I suppose we should aide her as well," Legolas agreed with mock reluctance. Gimli grunted.
"Is it truly necessary?" he asked.
"Yes," Meghan answered stoutly. Aragorn and Legolas laughed.
"Very well," Aragorn said. "Let's-"
"No, no, no, no, NO!" Laina screamed, running over.
"What are you doing? How did you return?" Legolas questioned as Laina jumped on Aragorn.
"I swear to god, you finish that sentence, and I WILL hurt you. You're not a freakin' redneck," she said. Meghan laughed.
"Thank you. I HATE that line."
"I know," Laina said cheerfully. "But now I have to go. That orc'll be back soon." Before anyone could protest, she raced off and disappeared.
"Very well," Aragorn said again, looking slightly flustered. "Let," Meghan glared at him, "Us hurry," he finished quickly. Meghan grinned.
"Much better. Bye!" Waving, she disappeared. Sharing a look, the three remaining raced through the trees.
*
Frodo and Sam reached the top of the hill (which was really more of a small mountain) leading to Emyn Muil.
"Mordor," Frodo said. "I only hope the others find a safer route. I don't suppose we'll ever see them again."
"We may yet, Mister Frodo. We may yet," Sam insisted. Frodo looked at him and smiled.
"I'm glad you're with me, Sam." As they set of down the rocky path, Laina's voice echoed through the air around them.
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..."
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for me, the mary sue I DON'T want (any takers?) and the rubber duckie. Oh yeah, and I own the Jesus Christ Super Frog. Sort of. He's actually dead, thanks to Bio class. But I do own the lyrics to that song (sung to the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar, if you couldn't figure it out).
*
Once he had killed the orc, Aragorn paused for a moment, breathing hard. Then he remembered. "Boromir," he muttered, racing to his fallen friend's side.
Boromir was lying on his back, gasping for breath. Meghan stood nearby, biting her lip. Even the Mary Sue was quiet. Aragorn stopped beside Boromir, knowing it was hopeless Still he knelt down, prepared to do all he could. As he started to remove the embedded arrows, Boromir stopped him.
"No," he said, his eyes betraying the hopelessness of the situation. "There is no more you can do. Help the little ones. They've taken Merry and Pippin. Marinella, I want you to know that I will always lo-" he stopped abruptly as Meghan smacked Marinella and turned off her charm.
"Have you no respect at all?" she hissed to the Sue as Boromir and Aragorn continued speaking. "He's dying, can't you at least leave him alone on his deathbed?" For once, the Mary Sue did something right, and they both sobered as Boromir whispered his last words.
"My captain, my king."
Unfortunately, that was only as long as she could manage to stay quiet. Legolas and Gimli rejoined them just in time to hear her outraged squeals.
"Oh my god, they are so gay!" she shrieked as Aragorn kissed Boromir on the forehead in a gesture of farewell.
"They are not fucking gay!" Meghan hissed through gritted teeth. "It's a fucking PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP!" Irritated beyond words, Meghan took out a handful of pens that had appeared in her pocket. One by one she threw them at what's-her-face's forehead, turning the girl into a human dartboard. The pens stuck out of Marinella's forehead like needles in a pincushion. Blue, black and red ink spurted from the wounds, mixing with blood. The liquid dripped into her eyes, obscuring her vision and causing great pain.
"My eyes are burning! And I think you messed up my hair!" she shrieked, running around aimlessly. "Where's my precious Leggy-Weggy? Come save me!"
But, as I'm sure we all know (or can imagine at any rate) racing around stupidly with pens stuck in your forehead rather ruins any charm you might hold, and as such Legolas was released from any spell Marinella might have cast on him. He discreetly moved away whenever she came too close. Finally she ran headfirst into a tree, fell back on her ass, and disappeared.
"GOD, she was annoying," Meghan announced.
"Thank you," Legolas sighed gratefully, looking desperately relieved.
"No problem!" Meghan laughed, a lot happier now that the moron was gone.
*
Frodo stood on the shore, looking out over the water. He held the ring in his palm and his massively blue eyes were glassy with unshed tears. Memories flooded his mind. He could hear himself speaking.
"I wish none of this had ever happened. I wish the ring had never come to me."
"So do all who live to see such times." Letting his mind wander, Frodo could see Gandalf's face, standing out in the background of Moria. "But it is not for them to decide." His next words were drowned out by Laina's rendition of 'I'm a Little Teapot', complete with actions. Rolling his eyes in suppressed mirth, Frodo turned back to Gandalf but found his face already fading.
"Having fun?" Laina asked, popping up in front of him.
"Are you speaking to me?" Frodo asked in surprise.
"No, I'm speaking to the herd of platypi behind you. Of course I'm speaking to you!"
"But you are a memory," he protested. "At least, I think you are. This is still Moria. But if you are a memory, how are you able to speak of your own free will?"
"Frodo, stop. You're confusing me. I'm the exception," Laina explained authoritively.
"To what?" Frodo was confused.
"Jesus, I don't know. To everything! Now hurry up and get going." Laina gave Frodo a push, jolting him out of his reverie. Running forward, he jumped into a boat as he pushed it into the water. Something caught the corner of his eye, and he looked back. He could have sworn he'd seen Laina racing through the trees, but she was gone.
"Frodo!" Looking back, Frodo saw Sam emerging from the trees. "Frodo, wait!"
"No Sam. I'm going to Mordor alone," Frodo insisted.
"Of course you are, Mister Frodo," Sam agreed. "And I'm coming with you." Frodo ignored this, continuing to paddle until he heard the sounds of splashing water. He glanced back and stopped as he saw Sam struggling to wade through the water.
"No Sam. Go back! You can't swim!" Frodo shouted.
"'Course I can. Miss Laina gave me a rubber duckie that she said would make me able to swim." He held up the object in question.
"No Sam!" The both looked in surprise as Laina ran along the shore, an orc in close pursuit of her. "I said that if you believed in yourself and practiced a lot, you could LEARN to swim!" She disappeared again.
"Whoops," Sam said as he began to sink. Frodo turned the boat around and reached in to haul his loyal friend, coughing and spluttering, into the boat. "I made a promise, Mister Frodo. A promise!" Sam gasped.
"Say it, don't spray it," Laina admonished, drifting lazily by while the orc sloshed after her. Doing his best to ignore them, Sam continued.
"And I intend to keep it."
"Oh Sam," Frodo sighed, embracing his friend.
"This moment brought to you by Sylvan Learning Centre. I used to be stupid, now I'm smart. Debatably." This time, Laina was walking on the water, while the orc continued to slosh behind. "I am Jesus, hear me roar!"
"Explain to me WHY we have yet to kill that orc," Frodo said.
"No! You can't kill him for important reasons relating to future events that you must remain ignorant of until said time," Laina announced. Frodo and Sam stared at her blankly. "He comes out useful later," she explained. "Besides, it's kind of fun dragging him along. I think he's getting tired." With that, she took off skipping across the water, singing at the top of her lungs, "Jesus Christ! Super Frog! Do you think you're who they say you... bog."
*
While Frodo and Sam paddled to the far shore, Legolas, Aragorn, Meghan and Gimli burst through the trees.
"Hurry!" Legolas urged. "Frodo and Same have reached the eastern shore."
Meghan giggled. "You're so gung ho!"
Legolas stopped as he realized none of them were following.
"You mean not to follow them."
"Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands," Aragorn stated calmly. Legolas looked forlorn.
"It was all in vain then?" Gimli demanded.
"Don't say that!" Meghan admonished. "There's still hope! There's always hope! Hope is like oxygen! Hope is a many splendored thing! Hope lifts use up where we belong! A-"
"All you need is hope," Aragorn finished in a deadpan. Meghan looked suspicious.
"Exactly," she agreed.
"How did you know that?" Legolas questioned curiously.
"You do not wish to know," Aragorn answered.
"If we could get back to the present situation," Gimli interrupted them.
"Of course. We will not leave Merry and Pippin to torment," Aragorn announced.
"And Casey," Meghan added.
"Yes, I suppose we should aide her as well," Legolas agreed with mock reluctance. Gimli grunted.
"Is it truly necessary?" he asked.
"Yes," Meghan answered stoutly. Aragorn and Legolas laughed.
"Very well," Aragorn said. "Let's-"
"No, no, no, no, NO!" Laina screamed, running over.
"What are you doing? How did you return?" Legolas questioned as Laina jumped on Aragorn.
"I swear to god, you finish that sentence, and I WILL hurt you. You're not a freakin' redneck," she said. Meghan laughed.
"Thank you. I HATE that line."
"I know," Laina said cheerfully. "But now I have to go. That orc'll be back soon." Before anyone could protest, she raced off and disappeared.
"Very well," Aragorn said again, looking slightly flustered. "Let," Meghan glared at him, "Us hurry," he finished quickly. Meghan grinned.
"Much better. Bye!" Waving, she disappeared. Sharing a look, the three remaining raced through the trees.
*
Frodo and Sam reached the top of the hill (which was really more of a small mountain) leading to Emyn Muil.
"Mordor," Frodo said. "I only hope the others find a safer route. I don't suppose we'll ever see them again."
"We may yet, Mister Frodo. We may yet," Sam insisted. Frodo looked at him and smiled.
"I'm glad you're with me, Sam." As they set of down the rocky path, Laina's voice echoed through the air around them.
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..."