And awayyyy we go with the legal jazz:
This is a story of complete and utter frivolity (look it up! LOOK THE WORD UP!). Ere go, this in no way makes any claim that I own Newsies (I'd share! I really, really would!). The Walt Disney Company owns them... (but THEY can't share, which is why I'm making this disclaimer) So, Disney, you'd make better use of your time by suing someone with actual money. *smiles sweetly* Thankies!
ANNNND... in case MGM (or whoever owns the rights to "The Wizard of Oz") wants to sue me too... Gee, boys. I feel loved that you'd want to rob me of all my thirty-seven cents (that currently lay dormant inside Mr. Sniffles, my piggy bank). But I don't own that, either. I think that if I did, I would have enough money to buy the cast of "Newsies" and take them to a splendid private screening of their movie. And some left over for Twizzlers, for me.
So. If you haven't embraced your cowardice and left in a panic... stick around!
"Have we got a show for you!" --Bob the Tomato, Veggie Tales
Yes.
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Okay, before we begin our story, I'm putting up a "conversion list" (which newsie is playing what character in "The Wizard of Oz"). 'Course, it would have been more fun having it be a surprise throughout the story, and if you really don't want to know, then skip this part. (I really don't care!) But, you know, it gives you something to look forward to. Like, you read this and go, "Ohhhhh!! Pie Eater is the floating wizard head! I'm SO sticking around for this!" (Not exactly true about Pie Eater being the wizard's head... but you know, who knows?) So, here it is:
Dorothy..............................Davey (Heh.)
Toto..................................Les
Wicked Witch......................Sarah (um, BIG honkin' surprise there)
Scarecrow..........................Jack
Tin Man..............................Racetrack
Cowardly Lion......................Spot
Glinda, the Good Witch..........Medda
Flying Monkeys....................Kid Blink, Mush
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz...?????? (It wouldn't be fun if I told you ALL of them.)
(NOTE: In case you're walking away and going, "Okay, Swifty's not in this. I'm bailing!" Be patient! I'm gonna try to get ALL of the newsies in here at one point or another.)
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BY THE WAY: This story is only intended to poke fun at the cast of "Newsies." Trust me, I love them just as much as the next girl. Just don't send me hate mail, telling me to lay off of your precious Davey or whatever. I really don't care! Ha!
****************************************************************
Soooo... without futher guilding the lilly, we proudly present:
THE NEWSIES OF OZ (majestic crecendo of overture music)
(Enter DAVEY, our hero.)
RACETRACK: (from a magical place off-screen) Davey's the hero? We're kiddin', right?
(SPOT enters and renders RACETRACK unconscious with his fancy cane, dragging his inert shape back into his normal scene of entry. DAVEY tries to remain unfazed by such criticism-- since we know he'll be getting so much more of it later in this story-- and is immediately followed by LES, who obediently follows his brother's every step.)
LES: Davey? Why ain't we sellin' papes no more?
DAVEY: (pouting, as always) 'Cause the newsies don't really like us anymore. We don't have a reason to stay.
LES: (with a smart-mouth beyond his "near ten" years) Speak for yerself! They liked ME. I wanna go sell papes with Cowboy!
(He dashes defiantly toward the distribution center but stops dead at the impossibly rare but plot-dependent sight of a tornado ripping through lower Manhattan. We see KID BLINK madly sprint across the frame in a frenzy.)
KID BLINK: (in his best attempt at sounding like the guy in the movie) It's a twistah! It's a twistah!
(While DAVEY and LES are busy being befuddled at BLINK'S behavior... [A/N: Yay for alliterations!], the dreaded TORNADO sucks up both of them into its vortex of doom!)
TORNADO: Bwahahahahaha! (Cue the "Wicked Witch" theme)
(Seconds later, the TORNADO spits out DAVEY and LES into a fancy land full of plastic flowers and rivers that look like blue Kool-Aid. They walk around the village of cute little pink huts in wonder and amazement.)
DAVEY: (in the climax of cheesy lines in this story) Les... I have a feeling we're not on Duane Street anymore.
(Rest of the newsies roll their eyes in embarassment from off-screen. DAVEY is prepared to retort, but since we all know he doesn't know how, is relieved when a pink bubble flies into view and lands-- quite by accident-- in a tree.)
MEDDA: (Curses in Swedish) Never could make this stupid thing work! (She jumps out of the tree, crashing to the yellow brick road in a Pepto-Bismol-pink, foofy mess. MEDDA notices DAVEY and LES and does her little curtsy with her big ol' purple feather.) Oh! Velcome, yentlemen!
DAVEY: (as usual, drawing a blank) I can't understand a thing you're saying.
MEDDA: (reverts back to her real accent with a disappointed pout) Yeah, yeah... well, congratulations, kid!
KID BLINK: (eagerly) Someone call me name?
(CRUTCHY enters, bonking KID BLINK on the head with his utility crutch!)
CRUTCHY: That's right... my utility crutch! Complete wit' shavin' cream and sauerkraut dispenser! (He makes a goofy/happy face at the camera and does a little jig as he disappears with KID BLINK in a full nelson.)
MEDDA: You get used to it, I'm afraid. Well, anyhow, mazel tov, honey!
DAVEY: Why? What'd I do?
MEDDA: Not YOU! (She tickles LES under the nose with her magic purple feather.) I'm talkin' to YOU, you cute widdle baby! Oh, yes you are!
LES: (Smiles smugly at DAVEY like, "Ha! She likes me!" and turns to MEDDA) Me?
MEDDA: Well, that's what the Munchkins have told me! We're free now, and it's all because of you, you cutesy widdle snuggly--
ALL NEWSIES: (a la "Monty Python and the Holy Grail") Get ON with it!!
MEDDA: (composes herself) The Munchkins have told me that you brought the ultimate weapon to destroy the evil Wicked Witch of the East! (She indicates a hot dog wrapped in paper.) And there's the meat product... and here you are... and that's all that's left of the Wicked Witch of the East!
(JOSEPH PULITZER makes a cameo appearance as the Wicked Witch of the East. (S)he is sprawled on the yellow brick road, body lined in chalk. Under his/her pretty witch dress are two striped stockings, upon which are the mega-powerful RUBY SLIPPERS... cue thunderclap)
DAVEY: She sure was ugly... Hey! (turns to LES) Didn't I tell you to get rid of Denton's article? (pouts) You know how it upsets me.
LES: I was savin' it! (snatches hot dog from the scene of the crime and munches on it happily)
MEDDA: Now that you have freed the Munchkins, they wish to thank you in song! (She flounces over to the main circle, where the dancing will be taking place.) It's all right! You may all come out and thank him!
(As MEDDA sings in a tinkly soprano voice, we see the MUNCHKINS-- which look remarkably like newsies-- pop up, one by one, much like the Brooklyn kids did in that one scene where...)
ALL NEWSIES: Get ON with it!!
(Ahem. Sorry. The MUNCHKINS all emerge from their hiding places and burst into a lovely song that is a nice, happy, number that is quite similar to "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead," but is nice and legal, since we didn't actually SAY that it was that actual song.)
(The nice happy song is cut with the appearance of the SARAH, THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST, a fearsome female that, if we said what we REALLY thought of her, we'd be stepping on the boundaries of this (generally) "fun for the whole family" fic.)
SARAH: (snarls and tosses about her annoyingly perfect hair) Who killed my sister! Who killed the Witch of the East? (pokes her broomstick in LES's direction) Was it YOU?
LES: (way too smart to get on SARAH'S bad side, immediately points to DAVEY) No! It was him! He did it!
DAVEY: (in a flash, violently covers his blabby brother's mouth) Why you little-- hey, wait! (turns to MEDDA) I though you said she was dead!
MEDDA: Whoops! Forgot to mention that there was another one! And she's worse than the other one was.
DAVEY: Yeah, well... anyway, even if I DID kill her... it was an accident, I swear!
SARAH: Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents too!
DAVEY: (beams) You think I'm pretty?
SARAH: (rolls her eyes) Aw, shut yet pie-hole!
PIE EATER: (enters excitedly) Wha? (gets dragged off by CRUTCHY and his UTILITY CRUTCH)
MEDDA: Haven't you forgotten the ruby slippers? (SARAH'S eyes light up sinisterly.)
SARAH: The slippers!... Yes... (She totters to where her former sister was and reels back in the absence of the mighty moccasins.) What have you done with them?! Give them back to me or I'll--
MEDDA: It's too late! There they are, and there they'll stay! (Waves her feather, indicating the pretty pumps that now are dazzling DAVEY'S feet.)
DAVEY: (appalled) Ohhhh, no! You're not making me wear these things!
MEDDA: But they make your feet look so slimming!
DAVEY: (in wonderment) Really? Wow! (He models the shoes, a la Judy Garland.)
SARAH: Yeah? Well, so what? You've gotten on my bad side now! You just TRY to stay out of my way. Just try! (cackles) I'll get you, my ugly! And your little brother, too!
(SARAH, in a truly witchy, cackly mess, disappears in a violent puff of smoke that renders some of the little MUNCHKINS unconscious.)
SNIPESHOOTER: (snickers at DAVEY) Boy, you sure are screwed!
DAVEY: (snarls at SNIPESHOOTER, turning to MEDDA) This bites! I wanna go home!
MEDDA: Oh, that should be easy! (She is prepared to give out the secret of the ruby slippers, but restrains herself.) Er... um, then you need to go see the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!
(MUNCHKINS all bow reverently.)
DAVEY: So how do I get to this said Wizard? (MUNCHKINS all bow again.)
MEDDA: Well, he lives in the Emerald City, and that's a long journey from here. All you have to do is follow the Yellow Brick Road. I'd love to help you, but I'm gonna be late for my show! (She floats away in her pretty pink bubble.)
DAVEY: (in a pathetic attempt to call her back) No! Wait! What happens if I--?
(BOOTS, another Munchkin, shakes his head exasperatedly.)
BOOTS: Ain't you listenin'? Follow da Yella Brick Road!
DAVEY: ... Follow the Yellow Brick Road? And that'll take us to Emerald City?
BOOTS: Yeah, sure! I spent a month there one night!
DAVEY: ...Follow the Yellow Brick Road... (starts to prance on the pretty gold bricks)
SNIPESHOOTER: Follow da Yella Brick Road!
LES: (tugs at his brother's sleeve) You stupid or somethin'? FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD!
(And, so, DAVEY and LES trot along out of Munchkinland, in search of the great and powerful Wizard of Oz. They come to a cornfield, strangely unattended by any sort of farmer. The only figure we see is JACK, THE SCARECROW, clad in cowboy coutre, who is presently stuck up on a pole.)
LES: What do we do now, Dave? The road goes in two directions.
DAVEY: Just hang on a second while I think...
JACK: Don't aks me! I been stuck up here wit' dis here pole shoved up my...
DAVEY: (whirls around) Watch it, will ya? This is a "fun for the whole family" fic! (Pauses.) Wait a second, scarecrows don't talk!
JACK: An' they don't typically wear cowboy hats neither. (Tips his cowboy hat to the two travelers.) But I might be able ta help ya out. If someone could jus' get me offa this pole...
LES: (always the charitable sort) Sure! I'll help ya out! (He jiggles a nail in the back of the pole, causing JACK to collapse to the road in a floppy mess. Some of his straw rolls out and he shoves it back in.)
JACK: (shakes LES's hand) Yer a good kid. What's yet name?
LES: I'm Les! (points nonchalantly to DAVEY) An' this is my brother Dave. He's older.
JACK: No kiddin'. Well, anyways, where you fellas headed?
DAVEY: We're going to Emerald City. This floozy in a pink dress told us that we can get back home if we go there to find the Wizard of Oz.
JACK: (excited) Oooh! Bring me! I wanna go!
DAVEY: Er... you'd better not. I've got the Wicked Witch of the West mad at me. You might get into trouble.
JACK: Wicked Witch of da WEST? She ain't from Santa Fe, by any chance, is she? (gushes) I've always wanted ta go there... (A piano chord cues JACK to burst into song, but DAVEY cuts him off.)
DAVEY: Don't you have ANY brain at all?
JACK: Nope. I ain't got no brain at all. Jus' straw. (He lifts up his hat, where we can see a lot of straw clogging up his cranium.)
LES: (in wonder) But how can ya talk when you ain't got a brain?
JACK: (shrugs) I dunno. But some people without brains do an AWFUL lot of talkin'... (He jerks a thumb in DAVEY'S direction. This causes LES to erupt into giggles.) Well, anyhow... you think I could come? Maybe if dis Wizard guy can send you home, he can get me a brain!
DAVEY: (huffs reluctantly) Yeah. Fine.
JACK: (bounces excitedly) Oh, yay! We're off to see a Wizard!
(OUR GANG links arms and skips off merrily into the woods.)
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(Cut to a different leg of the Yellow Brick Road. JACK, LES, and DAVEY are not as bouncy as they were when we last left them. The YBR is cluttered in a thick, scary woods.)
JACK: 'Ey! What's that up there ahead?
DAVEY: (in an oddly realistic sounding Judy Garland voice) Why, it's a man! A man made out of tin!
(Indeed, it is RACETRACK, THE TIN MAN near the side of the road. He is presently rusted solid, frozen in a poker-playing position, evident by the ratty cards he's holding.)
JACK: (strolls up to RACE, knocking on his tin-ness) 'Ey, buddy! Can't ya move?
DAVEY: Now I know what you meant about that not-having-a-brain thing.
RACE: (grits through rusted lips) Oil... can...
LES: What'd he say?
RACE: (more persistently) OIL... CAN...
DAVEY: I think he said "toe jam."
JACK: No. Maybe it was "boiled ham." Man, I'm hungry.
(RACE'S eyes bulge out exasperatedly. He opens his mouth as wide as he can.)
RACE: NO, you idiots!! OIL CAN! Get my oil can!!
JACK, DAVEY, and LES: Oh.
(Since the others don't make a move to help RACE, LES runs around to the other side and snags his oil can, juicing up RACE'S rusted parts. RACE, who is now free to move around nice and freely, does so.)
RACE: Hey, t'anks, kid. You ain't got no idea how long I've been stuck holdin' that lousy hand.
DAVEY: What happened to you?
RACE: Well, see, a long time back... I was playin' a poker game with my friends an' all of a sudden, it started to rain. An' right in the middle of a shuffle, I rusted solid! Been that way ever since. (pulls out a cigar and puffs on it contentedly) Boy, have I been craving a smoke! Ah... So who are all you fellas?
DAVEY: Well, that's my brother Les, and that's Jack, and I'm Davey.
RACE: (snickers at DAVEY's ruby slippers) Nice shoes, pal! Where'd you get 'em, Boy George's yard sale?
JACK: (looks confused, which is easy, since he doesn't have a brain) I jus' thought they were some kinda fashion statement. (turns to RACE) You sure ain't got no heart.
RACE: (shrugs as he puffs on cigar) That's kinda expected. I ain't got one... no haht!
DAVEY, JACK, and LES: (trying to sift through RACE'S thick accent) No HEART?
RACE: Yeah. No haht. All hollow, that's me!
JACK: (nudges DAVEY) Hey! I ain't got no brain and you ain't got no home and HE ain't got no heart! You think the Wizard could help him too? (DAVEY looks at him threateningly, like, "We are NOT bringing another one of you sideshow attractions to Emerald City!")
LES: Aw, c'mon, Dave!
RACE: Yeah, c'mon, Dave! I ain't gonna bother ya none! (snickers as he looks at shoes again) Much.
(OUR HEROES are scared poop-less by the appearance of the WICKED WITCH on top of a house.)
JACK: (runs and hides behind RACE) Oh, no! Not her!!
DAVEY: The Witch? Yeah, she's pretty scary.
JACK: No! I (gulps) used to go out with 'er...
RACE: (is astonished) You mean to tell me that you DATED this beast?
JACK: (gives RACE a knowing look) No brain, remember?
RACE: Yeah. Guess that explains it.
SARAH: Hello there, my ugly! (She spies JACK'S cowered position behind RACE.) It's YOU! (Snarls) I WAS planning on letting you off the hook, but now that you're bringing the little mattress--
JACK: (hurt) Hey! I ain't no mattress!
SARAH: I have no choice but to continue to make your lives miserable! (cackles) You haven't seen the last of me, my ugly!
(She disappears in a sulphur-stinky puff of smoke.)
DAVEY: (considerably angry with JACK) You didn't tell me she was your girlfriend!
JACK: (shrugs, indicates his vacant head) No brain... sorry!
DAVEY: Yeah. Well, I don't have time to debate this. I need to get to Emerald City. Let's go already!
(RACE and JACK and LES link arms with each other and drag DAVEY, embarrassed, as they gleefully trot along.)
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(Apparently, the woods are not a happy place. It is hours later and OUR GANG is still meandering down the Yellow Brick Road. Creepy noises and scary shadow people run amok!)
JACK: (whining) I'm hungry!
RACE: Aw, knock it off! You been actin' like a li'l baby all day!
(JACK sucks it up and tries to be a grown-up Scarecrow, as a strange roaring noise makes everyone freeze. SPOT, THE COWARDLY LION, a menace in a bad fur coat, pounces on the Yellow Brick Road and snarls at OUR GANG.)
SPOT: MEEEEEEEEYOW!
DAVEY: (puzzled) "Meow?" Lions don't do that!
JACK: (proudly remembering his preschool education) Lions go "ROAR!"
SPOT: NO! Not the scary noise! (He hides behind a conveniently placed rock. RACE takes out his cigar.)
RACE: You are one sick puppy.
SPOT: (defensively) I'm not a puppy! I'm a lion! King a' New York! I mean, the forest!
RACE: I ain't never met no lions that get THAT scared.
DAVEY: I've never met ANY lions before.
JACK: (proudly, with his one-track lack of a mind) Lions go "ROAR!"
(SPOT quivers from behind the rock.)
LES: You're pathetic.
SPOT: (starts crying as he slowly emerges from behind the rock) That's jus' it... I ain't got no courage! (sniffles into his paw) I'm a lame excuse for a lion! Even the li'l boids aren't afraid of me!
JACK: The li'l boids?
SPOT: Yeah!... Boids from Harlem, Queens... all over. (blows nose on tail)
RACE: Hey, maybe you can come with us! I ain't got no haht, Jack over there ain't got no brains--
(JACK grins, completely unaware that RACE'S remark was an insult.)
RACE: --an' Davey an' Les need to go home. So we'se all goin' to Emerald City to ask the Wizard of Oz to help us! Maybe he can get ya some courage!
DAVEY: (bangs head against a tree) Not again...
SPOT: (brightens) Yeah! Okay! I sure am sick of not havin' no courage! It's been in me so long, I jus' gotta tell ya how I feel...
LES: Well, c'mon!
(This starts a song cue, which DAVEY brings to an abrupt close.)
DAVEY: No! No singing on this trip! Now, let's go. Emerald City shouldn't be that far away.
(OUR GANG skips arm-in-arm down the Yellow Brick Road gleefully.)
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(Cut to the WICKED WITCH'S castle, atop a gray and scary mountain. MUSH and KID BLINK, HER TWO FLYING MONKEYS, stand guard at her door.)
BLINK: (trying to eavesdrop on the WITCH'S plotting) Shaddap! I think I can hear her!
MUSH: Aw, move yer elbow!
(CRUTCHY appears, brandishing his UTILITY CRUTCH.)
CRUTCHY: Hey! That's MY line!
MUSH: (scoffs) Ah, who are you kiddin'? You ain't got no lines in this story!
(CRUTCHY squints menacingly at the MONKEYS.)
CRUTCHY: (suspensefully) That's what YOUSE think! (He exits.)
BLINK: Will ya keep it down?! I'm tryin' to hear what she's plottin'!
MUSH: (getting an epiphany) Hey, Blink? Why did we get this job?
BLINK: Huh?
MUSH: I mean, we HATE Sarah. [A/N: Doesn't everyone?] How'd we get stuck bein' her monkeys?
BLINK: 'Cause monkeys are cool! Now shaddap!
(MUSH shrugs. They listen in to SARAH'S plot to do away with OUR GANG.)
SARAH: (paces witchly around her room) Okay. So I didn't really care about the shoes. But then that straw-stuffed punk had to join them! Now I have to do something terrible to them... ALL OF THEM! He'll be sorry he messed with the Wicked Witch of the West! (She cackles, running to the broom closet to get-- what else?-- a broom.) To Emerald City, as fast as lightning! AH HA HA HA HA HA!
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(OUR GANG is just beginning to make it out of the forest.)
JACK: (singing) Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer!...
RACE: Look here, Jack: You're s'posed to count DOWN from "ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall," not stay at ninety-nine for THREE HOURS!
JACK: (puzzled) But I don't know how to count.
SPOT: (whining) Are we there yet? I'm a-scared of the woods!
RACE: You'se a-scared of ev'rything!
DAVEY: (losing his patience) I'M NOT KIDDING! I'LL TURN THIS WAGON AROUND!
LES: Wait! We're here!
(OUR GANG has made it to Emerald City! They've conveniently been unfazed by the poppy fields-- because drugs are bad, kids!-- and are now eagerly waiting at the gate. DAVEY rings the bell.)
(WEASEL, THE GUARD AT THE GATE, flings open the little door angrily.)
WEASEL: WHO RANG THAT BELL?!
JACK, RACE, LES, SPOT: (all point to DAVEY accusingly) HE did!
WEASEL: Can't ya read?
DAVEY: (incredulous) Read what?
WEASEL: The notice!
DAVEY: (puzzled) But there isn't any notice.
WEASEL: (getting mean) ARE YOU ACCUSIN' ME OF LYIN', KID?!
JACK: But Davey's got the magic pretty shoes! You gotta let 'im in!
WEASEL: What? (He gets a good look at the shoes on DAVEY'S feet and erupts into raucous laughter.) HA HA! Okay... fine... I give up... You can come in... HA HA HA!
(The big gate swings open, and OUR GANG ambles inside.)
JACK: There's somethin' funny 'bout this place.
RACE: (in a "well, duh!" tone) Uh, hello? Everyt'ing's all green and shiny.
SPOT: (hides frantically behind JACK, whimpering) Waah! I'm a-scared of the color green! AND shiny stuff!
JACK: Aw, c'mon, Spot! Get yourself together an' grow a backbone!
(SPOT reluctantly comes out of hiding, but still keeps his eyes closed, just so he won't have to look at all that is green and shiny.)
RACE: (impressed) Dear me, Jack! That's the mos' smartest thing you've said yet!
(JACK beams proudly.)
DAVEY: So how do we get to see the Wizard?
(A pretty, green, and shiny carriage pulls up-- which only means that SPOT is afraid of it. SPECS and DUTCHY, THE HAPPY CABBY GUYS, smile broadly at them.)
SPECS: Cabby! Cabby! Jus' what yer lookin' for!
DUTCHY: Take ya t' any place in the City, we does!... Or at least, we DID.
SPECS: Yeah! We'se on strike now! 'Ey, Dutchy, ya finished with that sign yet?
DUTCHY: (holds up sign proudly: "STRIKE") Hey, Kloppman... did I spell it right?
(KLOPPMAN, a passerby, leans over and inspects DUTCHY'S sign, reading over it several times.)
KLOPPMAN: Let's see... (counts letters with his finger) Hmm! That's good! That's very good!
DUTCHY: (proudly) "Strike." All right!
SPECS: (turns to OUR GANG) So anyhow, we'se real sorry, but we can't help ya. We'se on strike! Woohoo! (They drive away.)
DAVEY: (calling after them) Wait! We need to see the Wizard! (SPECS and DUTCHY stop and turn around.)
SPECS: Da WIZARD?
DUTCHY: (brightens) That's a horse of a dif'rent color!
SPECS: (slaps DUTCHY) No, it ain't! We'se still on strike! (turns to OUR GANG) But there's the Wizard's gate right there... g'wan and give it a knock!
(They drive off... for good this time, initiating a nice little happy number akin to "Merry Old Land of Oz"-- but, of course, we're not going to SAY that it is! It ends with BUMLETS, dressed in a smashing shade of green, spinning on a pretty, shiny, green ceiling fan, as any good number must end.)
(After the number, a shriek that could only belong to the world's worst person echoes throughout Emerald City. Yes, it's SARAH, flying wildly in the air with her broomstick, sky-writing overhead the following message: "SURRENDER DAVEY." Naturally, SPOT would be afraid, but he's still got his eyes closed.)
LES: What WAS all that?!
DAVEY: It's that stupid Witch! She's followed us here!
JACK: (utterly oblivious) Aw, cool! She wrote your name in the sky, Davey! (He is rewarded with a slap from RACE.)
DAVEY: We better see the Wizard... right now!
(He knocks on the Wizard's Gate. A flabbergasted SKITTERY, THE WIZARD'S GUARD, flings the door open.)
SKITTERY: Don't worry, everyone! I didn't do it!
KLOPPMAN: Whaddya mean, you didn't do it?
SKITTERY: The great Oz has gotten matters well in hand-- I hope-- so you can all go home! Go on home, and uh... go home!
DAVEY: Wait a second! We need to see the Wizard!
SKITTERY: You pullin' my leg? No one sees the great Oz! Not nobody; not nohow!
JACK: But he's Davey!
SKITTERY: The Witch's Davey? (grumbles) Fine. I guess I GOTTA go tell him you're here now. Hang on. (He exits, then reappears a moment later.) Yeah... yeah, he says for you to come in.
(OUR GANG nervously travels down the long hallway, preparing to meet the Wonderful Wizard of Oz.)
SPOT: AHHH! Who turned out the lights?
RACE: Your eyes are still closed, dummy!
SPOT: (nervously opens his eyes) Hey, that ain't so bad!
WIZARD'S VOICE: COME FORWARD!!
SPOT: (covering his eyes fearfully with his paws) Awww! Tell me when it's over!
(OUR GANG enters the WIZARD's lair, complete with all kinds of splendid pyrotechnics, including a creepy floating head that actually resembles God from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail.")
WIZARD: What do you want, you bunch of green-less foreigners?
DAVEY: Listen here, Mister Wizard! My brother Les and I wanna go back home to New York! An' Jack, he wants a brain... Racetrack wants a heart, and Spot-- well, Spot NEEDS some courage. And Medda, the Good Witch of the North, sent me here because she said you could help us.
(The pretty green fire erupts at the WIZARD'S rage.)
WIZARD: You think you guys can just walk in here and expect your wishes to be granted? I'm the great and powerful Oz, not Santa Claus! I charge a pretty hefty fee, you know.
JACK: Like what? (Fishes out his wallet) Let's see... I got two mismatched buttons and a Canadian penny. What'll that get us?
WIZARD: KNOCK IT OFF! (JACK immediately puts his wallet away.) I mean you gotta do something for me.
DAVEY: What do you want us to do?
WIZARD: Bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West, and you'll get all that stuff you just asked for.
RACE: But-- but if we do that, we'll have to kill her to get it!
WIZARD: That's your problem, soup can! Now, get out of my sight! I have my Jazzercise class in ten minutes.
SPOT: (takes his paws off of his eyes) But... what if she kills us first?
WIZARD: I SAID GO!!!
******************************************************
(Hours later, OUR GANG is at the door of the Witch's castle. They are quite able to sneak in, since BLINK and MUSH are the only two monkeys, and Lord knows where they are. They're just about to ambush SARAH when she sneaks up behind them!)
SARAH: Well! Ring around the rosy, a pocketful of newsies! Thought you'd be pretty foxy, didn't you?
SPOT: (trying his best to be courageous) That's right you little-- oh no... please don't look at me!
SARAH: (claps hands to summon the MONKEYS) Boys! Take care of our little visitors!
(BLINK and MUSH appear in the room, grinning sinisterly at OUR GANG.)
MUSH: It's all over, fellas! Sorry!
BLINK: (after a thoughtful pause) 'Ey, Mush, do we really need to do this? I mean, we can always be monkeys wit'OUT Sarah...
MUSH: (A lightbulb comes on upstairs.) Yeah... you gotta point, Blink.
SARAH: NO! You weren't supposed to figure that out on your own!
(MUSH tackles SARAH while BLINK picks up a conveniently placed bucket of water and presents it to OUR GANG.)
BLINK: Who wants ta do the honors?
JACK: (like Horshack in "Welcome Back, Kotter") OOOOOH! OOOOOOH! Let me! Let me!
DAVEY, LES, RACE, and SPOT: Yeah... whatever. Knock yourself out.
(JACK seizes the bucket o' water and gleefully dumps it over SARAH.)
JACK: (just like in a Lifetime movie) Now it's time to pay for breakin' my heart, Sarah!
(SARAH begins to wither into a puddle.)
SARAH: You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting... I'm melting... Oh, what a world, what a world...
(OTHER NEWSIES emerge from random places and burst into a reprise of "Ding Dong, the Witch Is Dead." BUMLETS does a splendid spin on her ceiling fan, and the song is over.)
BLINK: (bounces eagerly, all monkey-like) Yay! Now we have free reign over the castle!
(He joins hands with MUSH, and the two witch-free monkeys perform a lovely victory dance. DAVEY takes advantage of the situation and snatches the WITCH'S broomstick and OUR GANG hurries back to the WIZARD'S castle.)
******************************************************
(Meanwhile, back at the ranch-- I mean, the WIZARD'S lair...)
WIZARD: What the--? You actually got it?
RACE: (proudly) You bet we did, you big floating head!
JACK: I melted her!
WIZARD: Good for you, pal.
LES: (excitedly) So what are you gonna do with it? Use it in a spell or something?
WIZARD: Er... not really. This floor is filthy. It needs to be swept, that's all.
(OUR GANG is disappointed, but not enough to forget about why they came back.)
DAVEY: So what about what we asked for?
WIZARD: Uh... that. Yeah, uh... go away and come back tomorrow!
SPOT: (whimpers) But... I'm a-scared of the future! You gotta do it now!
WIZARD: Now listen here, you little wuss! I'LL decide what you get and when you get it! For I am the great and powerful Oz! Fear me! Fear me!
(While the WIZARD goes off on his rant, LES discovers a suspicious-looking curtain and pulls it open, revealing the TRUE identity of the WIZARD:)
EVERYONE: (astonished) CRUTCHY?!
CRUTCHY: (back in his normal, nasally voice) Heh-heh. Heya, fellas!
DAVEY: YOU'RE the Wizard?!
CRUTCHY: Er... yeah. Well, I jus' felt left out! Everyone had a big part an' I didn't have nothin'!
SWIFTY, JAKE, ITEY, and SNITCH: Speak for yerself, Crutchy! We wasn't even in the story!
CRUTCHY: Yeah, well... I'se real sorry about all this, fellas.
DAVEY: So, do we really get what we asked for, or what?
CRUTCHY: (in a cheesy "perfect world" moment) But you don't need it! All a youse have got what you've been lookin' for all the time!
OUR GANG: What?!
CRUTCHY: (to JACK) See, Jack? It's okay that you ain't smart! That's why the girls like ya!
JACK: (beams) Really? Ya mean it?
CRUTCHY: Yeah, sure! But even so, here's a fake diploma with the incorrect Pythagorean Theorem on it, so ya can at least feel smart! (He gives it to JACK, who smiles intelligently.)
RACE: What about me, Crutchy?
CRUTCHY: Listen, Race: You got a lot more heart than ya think. An' ta prove it, here's a pretty li'l clock shaped like a heart! Batteries not included. (RACE smiles excitedly and examines his new heart.)
SPOT: I bet there ain't no hope for me, is there, Crutchy?
CRUTCHY: Well... your problem is that ya have mental problems. So, here's a nifty medal that says "Courage" on it, an' a free appointment with Emerald City's shrink! He'll straighten ya out. (SPOT shrugs and hides from the medal, because... yes, folks, SPOT is also afraid of medals.)
DAVEY: Wait! You forgot about us, Crutchy!
CRUTCHY: Oh! That's right! Well, I'd like ta send ya home an' all, but I ain't got nothin' like that. Jus' cheap trinkets and coupons. Sorry, pal!
(DAVEY is about to bean CRUTCHY with his own UTILITY CRUTCH when MEDDA'S PRETTY PINK BUBBLE lands in the room. She looks around, disoriented.)
JACK: Look! Here's someone who can help ya!
RACE: (rolls his eyes) You give a guy a fake diploma, and suddenly he think's he's Einstein.
DAVEY: (to MEDDA) What do I have to do to get out of here, Medda?
MEDDA: (giggles melodiously) Why, you've always had the power to go back to New York! Right there in those cute shoes of yours!
DAVEY: (stares at her blankly) You mean to tell me that you sent me all over Oz and THEN you decide to tell me that I could have gone home all along?!
MEDDA: (shrugs) Sorry!
JACK: Why didn't you tell 'im that before?
MEDDA: Because he wouldn't have believed me!
DAVEY: (grumbles) Would too... So, what do I have to do?
MEDDA: Click your heels three times and think to yourself: "There's no place like home."
DAVEY: (raises an eyebrow) Are you kidding me?
MEDDA: (grins sheepishly) Yeah... What you REALLY have to do is walk around a circle three times in those shoes and proclaim that you are the prettiest lady in Emerald City!
(DAVEY heaves a reluctant sigh and begins to work up a good speed going around in circles.)
DAVEY: I am the prettiest lady in Emerald City! I am the prettiest lady in Emerald City!...
(The world spins and darkens around DAVEY until he falls down. He opens his eyes to find himself flat on his back in the middle of Duane Street. LES shakes him awake.)
LES: C'mon, Davey! C'mon... wake up!
DAVEY: (extremely relieved that he's not in Oz anymore, pulls LES into a hug) Oh, yes!! We're not in Oz anymore, Les! We're back home! Hooray!
LES: What are you talkin' about? You just got knocked out by Blink when he was runnin' around like a maniac a few minutes ago.
DAVEY: No! It really happened! And it was awful. But now we're home, Les... home! And this is our street! And-- oh, Les-- I really AM the prettiest lady in Emerald City!!
(FADE TO BLACK... ROLL END CREDITS)
*****************THE END!********************
Okay! Now you gotta submit a review and tell me what you thought! Pretty please?
When you're through, pay my "Newsies" site a visit!
Backstage's Newsies Bunk
http://www.geocities.com/backstagenewsie
Thankies much for reading!
Lots of Love,
Backstage
This is a story of complete and utter frivolity (look it up! LOOK THE WORD UP!). Ere go, this in no way makes any claim that I own Newsies (I'd share! I really, really would!). The Walt Disney Company owns them... (but THEY can't share, which is why I'm making this disclaimer) So, Disney, you'd make better use of your time by suing someone with actual money. *smiles sweetly* Thankies!
ANNNND... in case MGM (or whoever owns the rights to "The Wizard of Oz") wants to sue me too... Gee, boys. I feel loved that you'd want to rob me of all my thirty-seven cents (that currently lay dormant inside Mr. Sniffles, my piggy bank). But I don't own that, either. I think that if I did, I would have enough money to buy the cast of "Newsies" and take them to a splendid private screening of their movie. And some left over for Twizzlers, for me.
So. If you haven't embraced your cowardice and left in a panic... stick around!
"Have we got a show for you!" --Bob the Tomato, Veggie Tales
Yes.
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Okay, before we begin our story, I'm putting up a "conversion list" (which newsie is playing what character in "The Wizard of Oz"). 'Course, it would have been more fun having it be a surprise throughout the story, and if you really don't want to know, then skip this part. (I really don't care!) But, you know, it gives you something to look forward to. Like, you read this and go, "Ohhhhh!! Pie Eater is the floating wizard head! I'm SO sticking around for this!" (Not exactly true about Pie Eater being the wizard's head... but you know, who knows?) So, here it is:
Dorothy..............................Davey (Heh.)
Toto..................................Les
Wicked Witch......................Sarah (um, BIG honkin' surprise there)
Scarecrow..........................Jack
Tin Man..............................Racetrack
Cowardly Lion......................Spot
Glinda, the Good Witch..........Medda
Flying Monkeys....................Kid Blink, Mush
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz...?????? (It wouldn't be fun if I told you ALL of them.)
(NOTE: In case you're walking away and going, "Okay, Swifty's not in this. I'm bailing!" Be patient! I'm gonna try to get ALL of the newsies in here at one point or another.)
***************************************************************
BY THE WAY: This story is only intended to poke fun at the cast of "Newsies." Trust me, I love them just as much as the next girl. Just don't send me hate mail, telling me to lay off of your precious Davey or whatever. I really don't care! Ha!
****************************************************************
Soooo... without futher guilding the lilly, we proudly present:
THE NEWSIES OF OZ (majestic crecendo of overture music)
(Enter DAVEY, our hero.)
RACETRACK: (from a magical place off-screen) Davey's the hero? We're kiddin', right?
(SPOT enters and renders RACETRACK unconscious with his fancy cane, dragging his inert shape back into his normal scene of entry. DAVEY tries to remain unfazed by such criticism-- since we know he'll be getting so much more of it later in this story-- and is immediately followed by LES, who obediently follows his brother's every step.)
LES: Davey? Why ain't we sellin' papes no more?
DAVEY: (pouting, as always) 'Cause the newsies don't really like us anymore. We don't have a reason to stay.
LES: (with a smart-mouth beyond his "near ten" years) Speak for yerself! They liked ME. I wanna go sell papes with Cowboy!
(He dashes defiantly toward the distribution center but stops dead at the impossibly rare but plot-dependent sight of a tornado ripping through lower Manhattan. We see KID BLINK madly sprint across the frame in a frenzy.)
KID BLINK: (in his best attempt at sounding like the guy in the movie) It's a twistah! It's a twistah!
(While DAVEY and LES are busy being befuddled at BLINK'S behavior... [A/N: Yay for alliterations!], the dreaded TORNADO sucks up both of them into its vortex of doom!)
TORNADO: Bwahahahahaha! (Cue the "Wicked Witch" theme)
(Seconds later, the TORNADO spits out DAVEY and LES into a fancy land full of plastic flowers and rivers that look like blue Kool-Aid. They walk around the village of cute little pink huts in wonder and amazement.)
DAVEY: (in the climax of cheesy lines in this story) Les... I have a feeling we're not on Duane Street anymore.
(Rest of the newsies roll their eyes in embarassment from off-screen. DAVEY is prepared to retort, but since we all know he doesn't know how, is relieved when a pink bubble flies into view and lands-- quite by accident-- in a tree.)
MEDDA: (Curses in Swedish) Never could make this stupid thing work! (She jumps out of the tree, crashing to the yellow brick road in a Pepto-Bismol-pink, foofy mess. MEDDA notices DAVEY and LES and does her little curtsy with her big ol' purple feather.) Oh! Velcome, yentlemen!
DAVEY: (as usual, drawing a blank) I can't understand a thing you're saying.
MEDDA: (reverts back to her real accent with a disappointed pout) Yeah, yeah... well, congratulations, kid!
KID BLINK: (eagerly) Someone call me name?
(CRUTCHY enters, bonking KID BLINK on the head with his utility crutch!)
CRUTCHY: That's right... my utility crutch! Complete wit' shavin' cream and sauerkraut dispenser! (He makes a goofy/happy face at the camera and does a little jig as he disappears with KID BLINK in a full nelson.)
MEDDA: You get used to it, I'm afraid. Well, anyhow, mazel tov, honey!
DAVEY: Why? What'd I do?
MEDDA: Not YOU! (She tickles LES under the nose with her magic purple feather.) I'm talkin' to YOU, you cute widdle baby! Oh, yes you are!
LES: (Smiles smugly at DAVEY like, "Ha! She likes me!" and turns to MEDDA) Me?
MEDDA: Well, that's what the Munchkins have told me! We're free now, and it's all because of you, you cutesy widdle snuggly--
ALL NEWSIES: (a la "Monty Python and the Holy Grail") Get ON with it!!
MEDDA: (composes herself) The Munchkins have told me that you brought the ultimate weapon to destroy the evil Wicked Witch of the East! (She indicates a hot dog wrapped in paper.) And there's the meat product... and here you are... and that's all that's left of the Wicked Witch of the East!
(JOSEPH PULITZER makes a cameo appearance as the Wicked Witch of the East. (S)he is sprawled on the yellow brick road, body lined in chalk. Under his/her pretty witch dress are two striped stockings, upon which are the mega-powerful RUBY SLIPPERS... cue thunderclap)
DAVEY: She sure was ugly... Hey! (turns to LES) Didn't I tell you to get rid of Denton's article? (pouts) You know how it upsets me.
LES: I was savin' it! (snatches hot dog from the scene of the crime and munches on it happily)
MEDDA: Now that you have freed the Munchkins, they wish to thank you in song! (She flounces over to the main circle, where the dancing will be taking place.) It's all right! You may all come out and thank him!
(As MEDDA sings in a tinkly soprano voice, we see the MUNCHKINS-- which look remarkably like newsies-- pop up, one by one, much like the Brooklyn kids did in that one scene where...)
ALL NEWSIES: Get ON with it!!
(Ahem. Sorry. The MUNCHKINS all emerge from their hiding places and burst into a lovely song that is a nice, happy, number that is quite similar to "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead," but is nice and legal, since we didn't actually SAY that it was that actual song.)
(The nice happy song is cut with the appearance of the SARAH, THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST, a fearsome female that, if we said what we REALLY thought of her, we'd be stepping on the boundaries of this (generally) "fun for the whole family" fic.)
SARAH: (snarls and tosses about her annoyingly perfect hair) Who killed my sister! Who killed the Witch of the East? (pokes her broomstick in LES's direction) Was it YOU?
LES: (way too smart to get on SARAH'S bad side, immediately points to DAVEY) No! It was him! He did it!
DAVEY: (in a flash, violently covers his blabby brother's mouth) Why you little-- hey, wait! (turns to MEDDA) I though you said she was dead!
MEDDA: Whoops! Forgot to mention that there was another one! And she's worse than the other one was.
DAVEY: Yeah, well... anyway, even if I DID kill her... it was an accident, I swear!
SARAH: Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents too!
DAVEY: (beams) You think I'm pretty?
SARAH: (rolls her eyes) Aw, shut yet pie-hole!
PIE EATER: (enters excitedly) Wha? (gets dragged off by CRUTCHY and his UTILITY CRUTCH)
MEDDA: Haven't you forgotten the ruby slippers? (SARAH'S eyes light up sinisterly.)
SARAH: The slippers!... Yes... (She totters to where her former sister was and reels back in the absence of the mighty moccasins.) What have you done with them?! Give them back to me or I'll--
MEDDA: It's too late! There they are, and there they'll stay! (Waves her feather, indicating the pretty pumps that now are dazzling DAVEY'S feet.)
DAVEY: (appalled) Ohhhh, no! You're not making me wear these things!
MEDDA: But they make your feet look so slimming!
DAVEY: (in wonderment) Really? Wow! (He models the shoes, a la Judy Garland.)
SARAH: Yeah? Well, so what? You've gotten on my bad side now! You just TRY to stay out of my way. Just try! (cackles) I'll get you, my ugly! And your little brother, too!
(SARAH, in a truly witchy, cackly mess, disappears in a violent puff of smoke that renders some of the little MUNCHKINS unconscious.)
SNIPESHOOTER: (snickers at DAVEY) Boy, you sure are screwed!
DAVEY: (snarls at SNIPESHOOTER, turning to MEDDA) This bites! I wanna go home!
MEDDA: Oh, that should be easy! (She is prepared to give out the secret of the ruby slippers, but restrains herself.) Er... um, then you need to go see the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!
(MUNCHKINS all bow reverently.)
DAVEY: So how do I get to this said Wizard? (MUNCHKINS all bow again.)
MEDDA: Well, he lives in the Emerald City, and that's a long journey from here. All you have to do is follow the Yellow Brick Road. I'd love to help you, but I'm gonna be late for my show! (She floats away in her pretty pink bubble.)
DAVEY: (in a pathetic attempt to call her back) No! Wait! What happens if I--?
(BOOTS, another Munchkin, shakes his head exasperatedly.)
BOOTS: Ain't you listenin'? Follow da Yella Brick Road!
DAVEY: ... Follow the Yellow Brick Road? And that'll take us to Emerald City?
BOOTS: Yeah, sure! I spent a month there one night!
DAVEY: ...Follow the Yellow Brick Road... (starts to prance on the pretty gold bricks)
SNIPESHOOTER: Follow da Yella Brick Road!
LES: (tugs at his brother's sleeve) You stupid or somethin'? FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD!
(And, so, DAVEY and LES trot along out of Munchkinland, in search of the great and powerful Wizard of Oz. They come to a cornfield, strangely unattended by any sort of farmer. The only figure we see is JACK, THE SCARECROW, clad in cowboy coutre, who is presently stuck up on a pole.)
LES: What do we do now, Dave? The road goes in two directions.
DAVEY: Just hang on a second while I think...
JACK: Don't aks me! I been stuck up here wit' dis here pole shoved up my...
DAVEY: (whirls around) Watch it, will ya? This is a "fun for the whole family" fic! (Pauses.) Wait a second, scarecrows don't talk!
JACK: An' they don't typically wear cowboy hats neither. (Tips his cowboy hat to the two travelers.) But I might be able ta help ya out. If someone could jus' get me offa this pole...
LES: (always the charitable sort) Sure! I'll help ya out! (He jiggles a nail in the back of the pole, causing JACK to collapse to the road in a floppy mess. Some of his straw rolls out and he shoves it back in.)
JACK: (shakes LES's hand) Yer a good kid. What's yet name?
LES: I'm Les! (points nonchalantly to DAVEY) An' this is my brother Dave. He's older.
JACK: No kiddin'. Well, anyways, where you fellas headed?
DAVEY: We're going to Emerald City. This floozy in a pink dress told us that we can get back home if we go there to find the Wizard of Oz.
JACK: (excited) Oooh! Bring me! I wanna go!
DAVEY: Er... you'd better not. I've got the Wicked Witch of the West mad at me. You might get into trouble.
JACK: Wicked Witch of da WEST? She ain't from Santa Fe, by any chance, is she? (gushes) I've always wanted ta go there... (A piano chord cues JACK to burst into song, but DAVEY cuts him off.)
DAVEY: Don't you have ANY brain at all?
JACK: Nope. I ain't got no brain at all. Jus' straw. (He lifts up his hat, where we can see a lot of straw clogging up his cranium.)
LES: (in wonder) But how can ya talk when you ain't got a brain?
JACK: (shrugs) I dunno. But some people without brains do an AWFUL lot of talkin'... (He jerks a thumb in DAVEY'S direction. This causes LES to erupt into giggles.) Well, anyhow... you think I could come? Maybe if dis Wizard guy can send you home, he can get me a brain!
DAVEY: (huffs reluctantly) Yeah. Fine.
JACK: (bounces excitedly) Oh, yay! We're off to see a Wizard!
(OUR GANG links arms and skips off merrily into the woods.)
******************************************************
(Cut to a different leg of the Yellow Brick Road. JACK, LES, and DAVEY are not as bouncy as they were when we last left them. The YBR is cluttered in a thick, scary woods.)
JACK: 'Ey! What's that up there ahead?
DAVEY: (in an oddly realistic sounding Judy Garland voice) Why, it's a man! A man made out of tin!
(Indeed, it is RACETRACK, THE TIN MAN near the side of the road. He is presently rusted solid, frozen in a poker-playing position, evident by the ratty cards he's holding.)
JACK: (strolls up to RACE, knocking on his tin-ness) 'Ey, buddy! Can't ya move?
DAVEY: Now I know what you meant about that not-having-a-brain thing.
RACE: (grits through rusted lips) Oil... can...
LES: What'd he say?
RACE: (more persistently) OIL... CAN...
DAVEY: I think he said "toe jam."
JACK: No. Maybe it was "boiled ham." Man, I'm hungry.
(RACE'S eyes bulge out exasperatedly. He opens his mouth as wide as he can.)
RACE: NO, you idiots!! OIL CAN! Get my oil can!!
JACK, DAVEY, and LES: Oh.
(Since the others don't make a move to help RACE, LES runs around to the other side and snags his oil can, juicing up RACE'S rusted parts. RACE, who is now free to move around nice and freely, does so.)
RACE: Hey, t'anks, kid. You ain't got no idea how long I've been stuck holdin' that lousy hand.
DAVEY: What happened to you?
RACE: Well, see, a long time back... I was playin' a poker game with my friends an' all of a sudden, it started to rain. An' right in the middle of a shuffle, I rusted solid! Been that way ever since. (pulls out a cigar and puffs on it contentedly) Boy, have I been craving a smoke! Ah... So who are all you fellas?
DAVEY: Well, that's my brother Les, and that's Jack, and I'm Davey.
RACE: (snickers at DAVEY's ruby slippers) Nice shoes, pal! Where'd you get 'em, Boy George's yard sale?
JACK: (looks confused, which is easy, since he doesn't have a brain) I jus' thought they were some kinda fashion statement. (turns to RACE) You sure ain't got no heart.
RACE: (shrugs as he puffs on cigar) That's kinda expected. I ain't got one... no haht!
DAVEY, JACK, and LES: (trying to sift through RACE'S thick accent) No HEART?
RACE: Yeah. No haht. All hollow, that's me!
JACK: (nudges DAVEY) Hey! I ain't got no brain and you ain't got no home and HE ain't got no heart! You think the Wizard could help him too? (DAVEY looks at him threateningly, like, "We are NOT bringing another one of you sideshow attractions to Emerald City!")
LES: Aw, c'mon, Dave!
RACE: Yeah, c'mon, Dave! I ain't gonna bother ya none! (snickers as he looks at shoes again) Much.
(OUR HEROES are scared poop-less by the appearance of the WICKED WITCH on top of a house.)
JACK: (runs and hides behind RACE) Oh, no! Not her!!
DAVEY: The Witch? Yeah, she's pretty scary.
JACK: No! I (gulps) used to go out with 'er...
RACE: (is astonished) You mean to tell me that you DATED this beast?
JACK: (gives RACE a knowing look) No brain, remember?
RACE: Yeah. Guess that explains it.
SARAH: Hello there, my ugly! (She spies JACK'S cowered position behind RACE.) It's YOU! (Snarls) I WAS planning on letting you off the hook, but now that you're bringing the little mattress--
JACK: (hurt) Hey! I ain't no mattress!
SARAH: I have no choice but to continue to make your lives miserable! (cackles) You haven't seen the last of me, my ugly!
(She disappears in a sulphur-stinky puff of smoke.)
DAVEY: (considerably angry with JACK) You didn't tell me she was your girlfriend!
JACK: (shrugs, indicates his vacant head) No brain... sorry!
DAVEY: Yeah. Well, I don't have time to debate this. I need to get to Emerald City. Let's go already!
(RACE and JACK and LES link arms with each other and drag DAVEY, embarrassed, as they gleefully trot along.)
******************************************************
(Apparently, the woods are not a happy place. It is hours later and OUR GANG is still meandering down the Yellow Brick Road. Creepy noises and scary shadow people run amok!)
JACK: (whining) I'm hungry!
RACE: Aw, knock it off! You been actin' like a li'l baby all day!
(JACK sucks it up and tries to be a grown-up Scarecrow, as a strange roaring noise makes everyone freeze. SPOT, THE COWARDLY LION, a menace in a bad fur coat, pounces on the Yellow Brick Road and snarls at OUR GANG.)
SPOT: MEEEEEEEEYOW!
DAVEY: (puzzled) "Meow?" Lions don't do that!
JACK: (proudly remembering his preschool education) Lions go "ROAR!"
SPOT: NO! Not the scary noise! (He hides behind a conveniently placed rock. RACE takes out his cigar.)
RACE: You are one sick puppy.
SPOT: (defensively) I'm not a puppy! I'm a lion! King a' New York! I mean, the forest!
RACE: I ain't never met no lions that get THAT scared.
DAVEY: I've never met ANY lions before.
JACK: (proudly, with his one-track lack of a mind) Lions go "ROAR!"
(SPOT quivers from behind the rock.)
LES: You're pathetic.
SPOT: (starts crying as he slowly emerges from behind the rock) That's jus' it... I ain't got no courage! (sniffles into his paw) I'm a lame excuse for a lion! Even the li'l boids aren't afraid of me!
JACK: The li'l boids?
SPOT: Yeah!... Boids from Harlem, Queens... all over. (blows nose on tail)
RACE: Hey, maybe you can come with us! I ain't got no haht, Jack over there ain't got no brains--
(JACK grins, completely unaware that RACE'S remark was an insult.)
RACE: --an' Davey an' Les need to go home. So we'se all goin' to Emerald City to ask the Wizard of Oz to help us! Maybe he can get ya some courage!
DAVEY: (bangs head against a tree) Not again...
SPOT: (brightens) Yeah! Okay! I sure am sick of not havin' no courage! It's been in me so long, I jus' gotta tell ya how I feel...
LES: Well, c'mon!
(This starts a song cue, which DAVEY brings to an abrupt close.)
DAVEY: No! No singing on this trip! Now, let's go. Emerald City shouldn't be that far away.
(OUR GANG skips arm-in-arm down the Yellow Brick Road gleefully.)
******************************************************
(Cut to the WICKED WITCH'S castle, atop a gray and scary mountain. MUSH and KID BLINK, HER TWO FLYING MONKEYS, stand guard at her door.)
BLINK: (trying to eavesdrop on the WITCH'S plotting) Shaddap! I think I can hear her!
MUSH: Aw, move yer elbow!
(CRUTCHY appears, brandishing his UTILITY CRUTCH.)
CRUTCHY: Hey! That's MY line!
MUSH: (scoffs) Ah, who are you kiddin'? You ain't got no lines in this story!
(CRUTCHY squints menacingly at the MONKEYS.)
CRUTCHY: (suspensefully) That's what YOUSE think! (He exits.)
BLINK: Will ya keep it down?! I'm tryin' to hear what she's plottin'!
MUSH: (getting an epiphany) Hey, Blink? Why did we get this job?
BLINK: Huh?
MUSH: I mean, we HATE Sarah. [A/N: Doesn't everyone?] How'd we get stuck bein' her monkeys?
BLINK: 'Cause monkeys are cool! Now shaddap!
(MUSH shrugs. They listen in to SARAH'S plot to do away with OUR GANG.)
SARAH: (paces witchly around her room) Okay. So I didn't really care about the shoes. But then that straw-stuffed punk had to join them! Now I have to do something terrible to them... ALL OF THEM! He'll be sorry he messed with the Wicked Witch of the West! (She cackles, running to the broom closet to get-- what else?-- a broom.) To Emerald City, as fast as lightning! AH HA HA HA HA HA!
******************************************************
(OUR GANG is just beginning to make it out of the forest.)
JACK: (singing) Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer!...
RACE: Look here, Jack: You're s'posed to count DOWN from "ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall," not stay at ninety-nine for THREE HOURS!
JACK: (puzzled) But I don't know how to count.
SPOT: (whining) Are we there yet? I'm a-scared of the woods!
RACE: You'se a-scared of ev'rything!
DAVEY: (losing his patience) I'M NOT KIDDING! I'LL TURN THIS WAGON AROUND!
LES: Wait! We're here!
(OUR GANG has made it to Emerald City! They've conveniently been unfazed by the poppy fields-- because drugs are bad, kids!-- and are now eagerly waiting at the gate. DAVEY rings the bell.)
(WEASEL, THE GUARD AT THE GATE, flings open the little door angrily.)
WEASEL: WHO RANG THAT BELL?!
JACK, RACE, LES, SPOT: (all point to DAVEY accusingly) HE did!
WEASEL: Can't ya read?
DAVEY: (incredulous) Read what?
WEASEL: The notice!
DAVEY: (puzzled) But there isn't any notice.
WEASEL: (getting mean) ARE YOU ACCUSIN' ME OF LYIN', KID?!
JACK: But Davey's got the magic pretty shoes! You gotta let 'im in!
WEASEL: What? (He gets a good look at the shoes on DAVEY'S feet and erupts into raucous laughter.) HA HA! Okay... fine... I give up... You can come in... HA HA HA!
(The big gate swings open, and OUR GANG ambles inside.)
JACK: There's somethin' funny 'bout this place.
RACE: (in a "well, duh!" tone) Uh, hello? Everyt'ing's all green and shiny.
SPOT: (hides frantically behind JACK, whimpering) Waah! I'm a-scared of the color green! AND shiny stuff!
JACK: Aw, c'mon, Spot! Get yourself together an' grow a backbone!
(SPOT reluctantly comes out of hiding, but still keeps his eyes closed, just so he won't have to look at all that is green and shiny.)
RACE: (impressed) Dear me, Jack! That's the mos' smartest thing you've said yet!
(JACK beams proudly.)
DAVEY: So how do we get to see the Wizard?
(A pretty, green, and shiny carriage pulls up-- which only means that SPOT is afraid of it. SPECS and DUTCHY, THE HAPPY CABBY GUYS, smile broadly at them.)
SPECS: Cabby! Cabby! Jus' what yer lookin' for!
DUTCHY: Take ya t' any place in the City, we does!... Or at least, we DID.
SPECS: Yeah! We'se on strike now! 'Ey, Dutchy, ya finished with that sign yet?
DUTCHY: (holds up sign proudly: "STRIKE") Hey, Kloppman... did I spell it right?
(KLOPPMAN, a passerby, leans over and inspects DUTCHY'S sign, reading over it several times.)
KLOPPMAN: Let's see... (counts letters with his finger) Hmm! That's good! That's very good!
DUTCHY: (proudly) "Strike." All right!
SPECS: (turns to OUR GANG) So anyhow, we'se real sorry, but we can't help ya. We'se on strike! Woohoo! (They drive away.)
DAVEY: (calling after them) Wait! We need to see the Wizard! (SPECS and DUTCHY stop and turn around.)
SPECS: Da WIZARD?
DUTCHY: (brightens) That's a horse of a dif'rent color!
SPECS: (slaps DUTCHY) No, it ain't! We'se still on strike! (turns to OUR GANG) But there's the Wizard's gate right there... g'wan and give it a knock!
(They drive off... for good this time, initiating a nice little happy number akin to "Merry Old Land of Oz"-- but, of course, we're not going to SAY that it is! It ends with BUMLETS, dressed in a smashing shade of green, spinning on a pretty, shiny, green ceiling fan, as any good number must end.)
(After the number, a shriek that could only belong to the world's worst person echoes throughout Emerald City. Yes, it's SARAH, flying wildly in the air with her broomstick, sky-writing overhead the following message: "SURRENDER DAVEY." Naturally, SPOT would be afraid, but he's still got his eyes closed.)
LES: What WAS all that?!
DAVEY: It's that stupid Witch! She's followed us here!
JACK: (utterly oblivious) Aw, cool! She wrote your name in the sky, Davey! (He is rewarded with a slap from RACE.)
DAVEY: We better see the Wizard... right now!
(He knocks on the Wizard's Gate. A flabbergasted SKITTERY, THE WIZARD'S GUARD, flings the door open.)
SKITTERY: Don't worry, everyone! I didn't do it!
KLOPPMAN: Whaddya mean, you didn't do it?
SKITTERY: The great Oz has gotten matters well in hand-- I hope-- so you can all go home! Go on home, and uh... go home!
DAVEY: Wait a second! We need to see the Wizard!
SKITTERY: You pullin' my leg? No one sees the great Oz! Not nobody; not nohow!
JACK: But he's Davey!
SKITTERY: The Witch's Davey? (grumbles) Fine. I guess I GOTTA go tell him you're here now. Hang on. (He exits, then reappears a moment later.) Yeah... yeah, he says for you to come in.
(OUR GANG nervously travels down the long hallway, preparing to meet the Wonderful Wizard of Oz.)
SPOT: AHHH! Who turned out the lights?
RACE: Your eyes are still closed, dummy!
SPOT: (nervously opens his eyes) Hey, that ain't so bad!
WIZARD'S VOICE: COME FORWARD!!
SPOT: (covering his eyes fearfully with his paws) Awww! Tell me when it's over!
(OUR GANG enters the WIZARD's lair, complete with all kinds of splendid pyrotechnics, including a creepy floating head that actually resembles God from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail.")
WIZARD: What do you want, you bunch of green-less foreigners?
DAVEY: Listen here, Mister Wizard! My brother Les and I wanna go back home to New York! An' Jack, he wants a brain... Racetrack wants a heart, and Spot-- well, Spot NEEDS some courage. And Medda, the Good Witch of the North, sent me here because she said you could help us.
(The pretty green fire erupts at the WIZARD'S rage.)
WIZARD: You think you guys can just walk in here and expect your wishes to be granted? I'm the great and powerful Oz, not Santa Claus! I charge a pretty hefty fee, you know.
JACK: Like what? (Fishes out his wallet) Let's see... I got two mismatched buttons and a Canadian penny. What'll that get us?
WIZARD: KNOCK IT OFF! (JACK immediately puts his wallet away.) I mean you gotta do something for me.
DAVEY: What do you want us to do?
WIZARD: Bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West, and you'll get all that stuff you just asked for.
RACE: But-- but if we do that, we'll have to kill her to get it!
WIZARD: That's your problem, soup can! Now, get out of my sight! I have my Jazzercise class in ten minutes.
SPOT: (takes his paws off of his eyes) But... what if she kills us first?
WIZARD: I SAID GO!!!
******************************************************
(Hours later, OUR GANG is at the door of the Witch's castle. They are quite able to sneak in, since BLINK and MUSH are the only two monkeys, and Lord knows where they are. They're just about to ambush SARAH when she sneaks up behind them!)
SARAH: Well! Ring around the rosy, a pocketful of newsies! Thought you'd be pretty foxy, didn't you?
SPOT: (trying his best to be courageous) That's right you little-- oh no... please don't look at me!
SARAH: (claps hands to summon the MONKEYS) Boys! Take care of our little visitors!
(BLINK and MUSH appear in the room, grinning sinisterly at OUR GANG.)
MUSH: It's all over, fellas! Sorry!
BLINK: (after a thoughtful pause) 'Ey, Mush, do we really need to do this? I mean, we can always be monkeys wit'OUT Sarah...
MUSH: (A lightbulb comes on upstairs.) Yeah... you gotta point, Blink.
SARAH: NO! You weren't supposed to figure that out on your own!
(MUSH tackles SARAH while BLINK picks up a conveniently placed bucket of water and presents it to OUR GANG.)
BLINK: Who wants ta do the honors?
JACK: (like Horshack in "Welcome Back, Kotter") OOOOOH! OOOOOOH! Let me! Let me!
DAVEY, LES, RACE, and SPOT: Yeah... whatever. Knock yourself out.
(JACK seizes the bucket o' water and gleefully dumps it over SARAH.)
JACK: (just like in a Lifetime movie) Now it's time to pay for breakin' my heart, Sarah!
(SARAH begins to wither into a puddle.)
SARAH: You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting... I'm melting... Oh, what a world, what a world...
(OTHER NEWSIES emerge from random places and burst into a reprise of "Ding Dong, the Witch Is Dead." BUMLETS does a splendid spin on her ceiling fan, and the song is over.)
BLINK: (bounces eagerly, all monkey-like) Yay! Now we have free reign over the castle!
(He joins hands with MUSH, and the two witch-free monkeys perform a lovely victory dance. DAVEY takes advantage of the situation and snatches the WITCH'S broomstick and OUR GANG hurries back to the WIZARD'S castle.)
******************************************************
(Meanwhile, back at the ranch-- I mean, the WIZARD'S lair...)
WIZARD: What the--? You actually got it?
RACE: (proudly) You bet we did, you big floating head!
JACK: I melted her!
WIZARD: Good for you, pal.
LES: (excitedly) So what are you gonna do with it? Use it in a spell or something?
WIZARD: Er... not really. This floor is filthy. It needs to be swept, that's all.
(OUR GANG is disappointed, but not enough to forget about why they came back.)
DAVEY: So what about what we asked for?
WIZARD: Uh... that. Yeah, uh... go away and come back tomorrow!
SPOT: (whimpers) But... I'm a-scared of the future! You gotta do it now!
WIZARD: Now listen here, you little wuss! I'LL decide what you get and when you get it! For I am the great and powerful Oz! Fear me! Fear me!
(While the WIZARD goes off on his rant, LES discovers a suspicious-looking curtain and pulls it open, revealing the TRUE identity of the WIZARD:)
EVERYONE: (astonished) CRUTCHY?!
CRUTCHY: (back in his normal, nasally voice) Heh-heh. Heya, fellas!
DAVEY: YOU'RE the Wizard?!
CRUTCHY: Er... yeah. Well, I jus' felt left out! Everyone had a big part an' I didn't have nothin'!
SWIFTY, JAKE, ITEY, and SNITCH: Speak for yerself, Crutchy! We wasn't even in the story!
CRUTCHY: Yeah, well... I'se real sorry about all this, fellas.
DAVEY: So, do we really get what we asked for, or what?
CRUTCHY: (in a cheesy "perfect world" moment) But you don't need it! All a youse have got what you've been lookin' for all the time!
OUR GANG: What?!
CRUTCHY: (to JACK) See, Jack? It's okay that you ain't smart! That's why the girls like ya!
JACK: (beams) Really? Ya mean it?
CRUTCHY: Yeah, sure! But even so, here's a fake diploma with the incorrect Pythagorean Theorem on it, so ya can at least feel smart! (He gives it to JACK, who smiles intelligently.)
RACE: What about me, Crutchy?
CRUTCHY: Listen, Race: You got a lot more heart than ya think. An' ta prove it, here's a pretty li'l clock shaped like a heart! Batteries not included. (RACE smiles excitedly and examines his new heart.)
SPOT: I bet there ain't no hope for me, is there, Crutchy?
CRUTCHY: Well... your problem is that ya have mental problems. So, here's a nifty medal that says "Courage" on it, an' a free appointment with Emerald City's shrink! He'll straighten ya out. (SPOT shrugs and hides from the medal, because... yes, folks, SPOT is also afraid of medals.)
DAVEY: Wait! You forgot about us, Crutchy!
CRUTCHY: Oh! That's right! Well, I'd like ta send ya home an' all, but I ain't got nothin' like that. Jus' cheap trinkets and coupons. Sorry, pal!
(DAVEY is about to bean CRUTCHY with his own UTILITY CRUTCH when MEDDA'S PRETTY PINK BUBBLE lands in the room. She looks around, disoriented.)
JACK: Look! Here's someone who can help ya!
RACE: (rolls his eyes) You give a guy a fake diploma, and suddenly he think's he's Einstein.
DAVEY: (to MEDDA) What do I have to do to get out of here, Medda?
MEDDA: (giggles melodiously) Why, you've always had the power to go back to New York! Right there in those cute shoes of yours!
DAVEY: (stares at her blankly) You mean to tell me that you sent me all over Oz and THEN you decide to tell me that I could have gone home all along?!
MEDDA: (shrugs) Sorry!
JACK: Why didn't you tell 'im that before?
MEDDA: Because he wouldn't have believed me!
DAVEY: (grumbles) Would too... So, what do I have to do?
MEDDA: Click your heels three times and think to yourself: "There's no place like home."
DAVEY: (raises an eyebrow) Are you kidding me?
MEDDA: (grins sheepishly) Yeah... What you REALLY have to do is walk around a circle three times in those shoes and proclaim that you are the prettiest lady in Emerald City!
(DAVEY heaves a reluctant sigh and begins to work up a good speed going around in circles.)
DAVEY: I am the prettiest lady in Emerald City! I am the prettiest lady in Emerald City!...
(The world spins and darkens around DAVEY until he falls down. He opens his eyes to find himself flat on his back in the middle of Duane Street. LES shakes him awake.)
LES: C'mon, Davey! C'mon... wake up!
DAVEY: (extremely relieved that he's not in Oz anymore, pulls LES into a hug) Oh, yes!! We're not in Oz anymore, Les! We're back home! Hooray!
LES: What are you talkin' about? You just got knocked out by Blink when he was runnin' around like a maniac a few minutes ago.
DAVEY: No! It really happened! And it was awful. But now we're home, Les... home! And this is our street! And-- oh, Les-- I really AM the prettiest lady in Emerald City!!
(FADE TO BLACK... ROLL END CREDITS)
*****************THE END!********************
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