Authors' Note: we realize that this chapter of the fic is rather...odd. We
have nothing against slash writers, oviously it's a free country they can
do whatever they want, but personally can you really see Logan and Handsome
Ben getting it on? I mean really, all they ever did on the show was pick up
strange women and get hit on. Honestly, we have nothing against slash fics,
and if your offended by the idea of making fun of them, don't read this.
But we don't really care. Oh, and Lenni! is pronounced the normal way. But
you have to shriek while saying it.
*~*~*
Profaci Saves The Day
*~*~*
The Night That Never Would Have Happened Anyway
Or...
Back To The Precinct!
*~*~*
As Schiff walked into the 2-7, he saw that things hadn't greatly improved since the last time he had gone there. McCoy was attempting to cross examine his mentos (thanks to whoever gave that suggestion, we can't remember your name and we aren't signed on. But you are brill) Lennie was standing on his desk doing the monkey to the tune of "Do The Hustle", occasionally jumping off to save Van Buren whenever anyone came within fifty feet of her. He did this by throwing himeelf at the ground (he attempted to land somewhere near her feet, but Lennie has bad aim) and landing on his paunch. Thankfully, this saved him any serious injury. Woe betides the day that there is no coffee.
Thankfully, Handsome Ben and Logan were an island of serenity in an ocean of insanity. Sort of.
"You know," said Handsome Ben, " there are all these fics where you and I get together, we should really try that."
"What!" sputtered Logan, spitting out his earl grey tea (you must remember that there is no coffee), "are you suggesting that you and I... should, um, ah..."
"You know Logan, I would think a man of your experience would be more comfortable with his own sexuality." Said Handsome Ben a little sadly. "But if you need some time to think about it, I'll be in Van Buren's office."
It was at this point that Logan ran from his desk screaming, his skinny plaid tie flying behind him and that vein in his forehead bulging. In fact, he was so intent on getting as far away from Handsome Ben as he could as quickly as was humanly possible (because, really, he wasn't THAT handsome) that he didn't notice Green heading into the precinct, whistling "Hang On Sloopy" in a manner more cheerful than one would suppose, considering the current events. He was also carrying a cup of coffee.
"MINE!" Logan shrieked, attempting to wrest the cup out of Green's grip, spilling hot coffee all over Green's pants. Unfortunately, it was not hot enough to scald him, thus allowing him to sue the coffee company for massive sums of money.
"Shoot," Green said, irritated, "now I'll have to take off these pants."
("Meep!" L shrieked in ecstasy.)
"Sorry," Logan said, after he had finished licking up what he could from the floor. "Why were you gone, anyway?"
"Well," Green said, "you know it's kind of a funny story. I was just hanging around the mall, helping old ladies up and down the escalater, when I noticed that this CD store had a special on that new Kelly Clarkson CD, so I went in, but I still had "Hang On Sloopy" stuck in my head from when McCoy wouldn't stop singing it (at the mention of his name McCoy looked up and arched his eyebrows, and he would have looked very dignified if it weren't for the dozens of mentos stuck in his mouth) so there I was, browsing the racks and humming, when all of a sudden this talent agent came up and said he wanted to sign me for a major record label. So now I have a thirty thousand dollar contract for the next three months, and free coffee."
At the mention of the perks of his new job, the detectives, who had congregated around him (especially Lennie, although we're not sure how you can especially congregate, but Lennie can do all sorts of things we never thought he could do), all had simultaneous heart attacks and had to be taken to the hospital. Lennie, however, managed to contain his envy and went up to Green to ask him the one question that had plagued him since his last divorce.
"Say, Green," Lennie said very sayingly, "how do you think I could become more attractive to younger women? I was thinking you'd have some advice, since, you know, you're in show biz now."
"Well," Green said thoughtfully, "you could always change your name. I remember when I was young and in my salad days, I went by my given name, Sheldon. But I found fairly quickly that women just couldn't be attracted to a man named Sheldon. So I changed my name to Ed. And before I knew it, I had to beat them off with a stick. Quite conveniently, precisely at this moment L rushed up and hurled herself onto Green's body, and no matter how hard he shook her he couldn't remove the insane fic writer. After exhausting all possibilities, he beat her off with a stick. "Wow," Lennie said, amazed. "And I always thought that was just a figure of speech."
"Well, that's because you've never had to do it. And I think that's because of your name. Women just can't be all that attracted to someone named Lennie. The only solution is to give you a name that makes you seem more youthful."
"Like Ricky?" Lennie suggested.
"No." Said Green. "But what you could do is change the ending of your name so it ends in an I. That always makes people seem more youthful. So, instead of Lennie, you'll be Lenni!"
"Wow! Thanks, Ed!" said Lennie-er, Lenni!--heading off to the coffee machine in the hopes that it had fixed itself and he wouldn't have to drink any more of that damn tea (they were down to their last box of Earl Grey, mainly because of Logan's addiction, but they still had plenty of Lemon Berry Zinger and Passion Fruit Frenzy).
At the coffee maker (which still wasn't working by the way) Lenni! ran into Van Buren and said, " Hey Luietenent, I changed my name, now it's Lenni!."
Van Buren went into paroxysms of joy and began nibbling on his ear.
"Wow," Lenni! said, pleased, "it really does work!"
At this point Logan walked over, an air of gloom hanging heavy around him.
"What's wrong Logan?" Asked Lenni!, not really caring because Van Buren had moved down from his ear and now was trying to eat his shoulder.
"I got my bi-annual drug test back." Said Logan with a small sob.
"Oh, no!" Van Buren said through a mouthful of Lenni!, "are the results positive?"
"No," Logan said miserably, "I'm five percent positive for Earl Grey. Apparently it's controlled substance outside of England!" Of course, what Lenni! and Van Buren heard went more like: "doe. I'b fibe berzent bozzidive fer earlb Bgrey, Abbarendly id's a condroled subzdanz owdzide uv Inglind!" (Logan was feeling a tad mucusy at the time.)
"You mean you're..." Lenni! said, disbelieving.
"Yes," Logan sobbed. "My left foot is on drugs!"
"Oh, poor baby!" Van Buren said, looking up from Lenni!'s right nipple. "Why don't you go lie down in my office for a while? And...ah....while you're there, maybe you could smash my son's computer? Just a suggestion." She added.
Logan nodded and shuffled into Van Buren's office. Of course, as soon as he saw its contents, he knew that rest would not be an option that day, and not for may days to come.
The room was strewn ankle-deep with rose petals, and Frank Sinatra played softly on a stereo hidden somewhere. The heady scent of gardenias and jasmine weighted the air, and bottle of Dom Perignon chilled in its bucket, two crystal flutes beside it. And, sprawled on Van Buren's desk in a ruby- red satin teddy with matching garter belt and fishnets, was Handsome Ben.
"Merry Christmas, sugar pie," he whispered, getting up and beginning to pour the champagne.
"AAAAAAHH!!" Logan said expressively, fleeing the room. But just as he reached the threshold, his drug-addled left foot gave out, and he was forced to drag himself out of the precinct, shrieking all the way, and only stopping his fevered pace once he was safely locked inside his apartment.
"Wait!" Handsome Ben said, rushing out after him, "don't you want your present?"
*~*~*
TBC...
*~*~*
Profaci Saves The Day
*~*~*
The Night That Never Would Have Happened Anyway
Or...
Back To The Precinct!
*~*~*
As Schiff walked into the 2-7, he saw that things hadn't greatly improved since the last time he had gone there. McCoy was attempting to cross examine his mentos (thanks to whoever gave that suggestion, we can't remember your name and we aren't signed on. But you are brill) Lennie was standing on his desk doing the monkey to the tune of "Do The Hustle", occasionally jumping off to save Van Buren whenever anyone came within fifty feet of her. He did this by throwing himeelf at the ground (he attempted to land somewhere near her feet, but Lennie has bad aim) and landing on his paunch. Thankfully, this saved him any serious injury. Woe betides the day that there is no coffee.
Thankfully, Handsome Ben and Logan were an island of serenity in an ocean of insanity. Sort of.
"You know," said Handsome Ben, " there are all these fics where you and I get together, we should really try that."
"What!" sputtered Logan, spitting out his earl grey tea (you must remember that there is no coffee), "are you suggesting that you and I... should, um, ah..."
"You know Logan, I would think a man of your experience would be more comfortable with his own sexuality." Said Handsome Ben a little sadly. "But if you need some time to think about it, I'll be in Van Buren's office."
It was at this point that Logan ran from his desk screaming, his skinny plaid tie flying behind him and that vein in his forehead bulging. In fact, he was so intent on getting as far away from Handsome Ben as he could as quickly as was humanly possible (because, really, he wasn't THAT handsome) that he didn't notice Green heading into the precinct, whistling "Hang On Sloopy" in a manner more cheerful than one would suppose, considering the current events. He was also carrying a cup of coffee.
"MINE!" Logan shrieked, attempting to wrest the cup out of Green's grip, spilling hot coffee all over Green's pants. Unfortunately, it was not hot enough to scald him, thus allowing him to sue the coffee company for massive sums of money.
"Shoot," Green said, irritated, "now I'll have to take off these pants."
("Meep!" L shrieked in ecstasy.)
"Sorry," Logan said, after he had finished licking up what he could from the floor. "Why were you gone, anyway?"
"Well," Green said, "you know it's kind of a funny story. I was just hanging around the mall, helping old ladies up and down the escalater, when I noticed that this CD store had a special on that new Kelly Clarkson CD, so I went in, but I still had "Hang On Sloopy" stuck in my head from when McCoy wouldn't stop singing it (at the mention of his name McCoy looked up and arched his eyebrows, and he would have looked very dignified if it weren't for the dozens of mentos stuck in his mouth) so there I was, browsing the racks and humming, when all of a sudden this talent agent came up and said he wanted to sign me for a major record label. So now I have a thirty thousand dollar contract for the next three months, and free coffee."
At the mention of the perks of his new job, the detectives, who had congregated around him (especially Lennie, although we're not sure how you can especially congregate, but Lennie can do all sorts of things we never thought he could do), all had simultaneous heart attacks and had to be taken to the hospital. Lennie, however, managed to contain his envy and went up to Green to ask him the one question that had plagued him since his last divorce.
"Say, Green," Lennie said very sayingly, "how do you think I could become more attractive to younger women? I was thinking you'd have some advice, since, you know, you're in show biz now."
"Well," Green said thoughtfully, "you could always change your name. I remember when I was young and in my salad days, I went by my given name, Sheldon. But I found fairly quickly that women just couldn't be attracted to a man named Sheldon. So I changed my name to Ed. And before I knew it, I had to beat them off with a stick. Quite conveniently, precisely at this moment L rushed up and hurled herself onto Green's body, and no matter how hard he shook her he couldn't remove the insane fic writer. After exhausting all possibilities, he beat her off with a stick. "Wow," Lennie said, amazed. "And I always thought that was just a figure of speech."
"Well, that's because you've never had to do it. And I think that's because of your name. Women just can't be all that attracted to someone named Lennie. The only solution is to give you a name that makes you seem more youthful."
"Like Ricky?" Lennie suggested.
"No." Said Green. "But what you could do is change the ending of your name so it ends in an I. That always makes people seem more youthful. So, instead of Lennie, you'll be Lenni!"
"Wow! Thanks, Ed!" said Lennie-er, Lenni!--heading off to the coffee machine in the hopes that it had fixed itself and he wouldn't have to drink any more of that damn tea (they were down to their last box of Earl Grey, mainly because of Logan's addiction, but they still had plenty of Lemon Berry Zinger and Passion Fruit Frenzy).
At the coffee maker (which still wasn't working by the way) Lenni! ran into Van Buren and said, " Hey Luietenent, I changed my name, now it's Lenni!."
Van Buren went into paroxysms of joy and began nibbling on his ear.
"Wow," Lenni! said, pleased, "it really does work!"
At this point Logan walked over, an air of gloom hanging heavy around him.
"What's wrong Logan?" Asked Lenni!, not really caring because Van Buren had moved down from his ear and now was trying to eat his shoulder.
"I got my bi-annual drug test back." Said Logan with a small sob.
"Oh, no!" Van Buren said through a mouthful of Lenni!, "are the results positive?"
"No," Logan said miserably, "I'm five percent positive for Earl Grey. Apparently it's controlled substance outside of England!" Of course, what Lenni! and Van Buren heard went more like: "doe. I'b fibe berzent bozzidive fer earlb Bgrey, Abbarendly id's a condroled subzdanz owdzide uv Inglind!" (Logan was feeling a tad mucusy at the time.)
"You mean you're..." Lenni! said, disbelieving.
"Yes," Logan sobbed. "My left foot is on drugs!"
"Oh, poor baby!" Van Buren said, looking up from Lenni!'s right nipple. "Why don't you go lie down in my office for a while? And...ah....while you're there, maybe you could smash my son's computer? Just a suggestion." She added.
Logan nodded and shuffled into Van Buren's office. Of course, as soon as he saw its contents, he knew that rest would not be an option that day, and not for may days to come.
The room was strewn ankle-deep with rose petals, and Frank Sinatra played softly on a stereo hidden somewhere. The heady scent of gardenias and jasmine weighted the air, and bottle of Dom Perignon chilled in its bucket, two crystal flutes beside it. And, sprawled on Van Buren's desk in a ruby- red satin teddy with matching garter belt and fishnets, was Handsome Ben.
"Merry Christmas, sugar pie," he whispered, getting up and beginning to pour the champagne.
"AAAAAAHH!!" Logan said expressively, fleeing the room. But just as he reached the threshold, his drug-addled left foot gave out, and he was forced to drag himself out of the precinct, shrieking all the way, and only stopping his fevered pace once he was safely locked inside his apartment.
"Wait!" Handsome Ben said, rushing out after him, "don't you want your present?"
*~*~*
TBC...