Authors' Note: This is S here, apologizing on behalf of the Twins of
Hazzard for L's erratic behavior over the past few days. She has been
frantically emailing some of our fans and telepathically contacting the
rest with the message that the Twins of Hazzard have returned. And, at a
normal time, I would call her insane for doing so (she's a bit desperate
for reviews, folks, so humor the poor insane fic-writer), but now, I can
understand it. Because there is a simple truth we must face: the Law and
Order section of ff.net is in serious danger. Law and Order was great for
a few years-it was damn great, goddammit-but ever since Claire was killed
of it's been getting worse, and what with the best DA in town retiring and
Serena escaping from Bellevue and being appointed ADA, we doubt that it
will ever be the same. And this has had a detrimental effect on the
ficcage, to say the least-so L and I, with the help of our other dedicated
ficwriters, on and off ff.net (you know who you are, folks.and we commend
you: may the Wolf be with you) we intend to save it. And now, on a lighter
note, L will take over.
The twins of Hazzard have noticed over the approximate two years that they have reading fanfiction (hey, we bloomed late) that often one author will issue a challenge to many others. Now this struck us as the best idea since sliced bread because basically we will do anything (including perverse sexual acts) for reviews. So, to anyone who can say "suit shaped censor mark" five times fast, we will send, via the Internet, two rolls of frozen mentos. We realize this is not the traditional challenge, but we are the Twins of Hazzard, and can do pretty much whatever we want (we may soon change our pen name to "Divas of Hazzard"). Also, has anyone else noticed the disturbing number of times this season that McCoy and Serena and have had dinner in fancy restaurants? This is what McCoy and Claire did all the time (and, strangely enough, Handsome Ben and Lennie did it too) if there is enough interest shown we intend to present a petition to NBC asking that under no circumstances do they become romantically involved. And now, because this authors note isn't long enough (but it's not like anyone reads them anyway), S would like to say something else.
Disclaimer (well, sort of): It has come to our attention that it is customary for authors to do not only an insanely drawn-out author's note, but also a not-so-insanely-drawn-out disclaimer, about how they don't own the characters. But then, if they don't own the characters, then who does? Dick Wolf? Pffft. Please. Like Dick Wolf can own the wonder that is L&O. You can't own a character any more than you can own a sunset-for how could someone own the charming cynicism of Lennie Briscoe or the prim righteousness of Claire Kincaid? How can one claim to own-
Excuse me, L here, but S has lapsed into hippiedom again. I must have told her a thousand times that while, yes, no one can really own all the charming (and not so charming) character attributes of those in L&O, it is very possible that we could be pulled from ff.net for not admitting, that we, do not own anything (or very little at least) of what we write about. Also we like gay people, we have gay friends, and this chapter is not attempting to make fun of them more than it does anyone else. Anyway, as this authors note is now large enough to take over Manhattan (just think of the cynical comment Lennie would have to come up in that situation) I must say.................
On to the fic!
*~*~*
Profaci Saves The Day
*~*~*
Welcome To The 2-7, Ladies Drink Free
As soon as Logan arrived at the 2-7 on a snowy afternoon that happened to be the day before Christmas Eve Eve (of course Logan didn't know this, as he had spent the last week hiding in his apartment having nightmares about dancing tea bags and duct-taping his ventilation system so there was no chance of Carrie (insert last name) getting in) he knew that the people there were far too busy with their own problems to help him with his.
The biggest problem was the one, that unfortunately caught Logan's eye first. Lenni! who had had increasing success with women since Green suggested the name change, had decided to not only attract more women faster, but to make a little money at the same time. It is entirely possible that all of this was brought on by lack of coffee, and was therefore a forgivable offense, but it was non the less an offense against nature.
Lenni! had become a stripper. Now if any other detective than Lenni! had decided to do this we would have been treated to the sight of a pudgy belly on a n older cop, or a toned one on the younger version. Really, with the wide variety of police today we could have seen any number of pleasing or repulsing things. But with Lenni!, we could see...nothing at all.
It is an unwritten law that in the law and Order universe, you are not allowed to see Lenni! without his suit on (well, except for that on episode when he wore a blue polyester jogging suit), and so to keep order in this chapter, and to keep the world from falling out of its orbit, the powers that be were doing something that, although it ruined Lenni!'s stripping, saved humanity. Because whenever Lenni! removed an article of clothing- even if it was just a tie or a shoe-someone or something put a black censor mark where it had been. Lenni!--not to mention the growing crowd of women and men of a certain persuasion around his desk, including Handsome Ben, who had given up on Logan three days before but still refused to take off the red satin teddy-was getting quite tired of this. He had stripped down to nothing but a silver thong, but no matter how many dollar bills were stuffed in it, the rest of his body remained blocked.
Logan shuddered and looked around the precinct for someone else to discuss his predicament with, but Profaci was in Miami on vacation, Van Buren was in her office, Green was on tour, and Handsome Ben was...well, you know. Hoping for the best, Logan cautiously walked over to the desk where Lenni! had taken his act and tapped him on his censor-marked shoulder.
"Do you want a lap dance?" asked Lenni! turning around to face who he assumed was an adoring (and adorable) female fan.
"Gleek!" said Logan right before passing out on the cold floor of the 2-7.
"Yes!" Said Handsome Ben, seeing Logan passed out on the cold floor of the 2-7, "now I can have my way with him!"
"Hey!" Said Lenni!, running up and keeping Handsome Ben from molesting the unconscious Logan, "you stay off! He doesn't swing that way!"
Handsome Ben smirked at Lenni!, as if to say, "I know something you don't know, na, na, na, na, na, na ,na." But walked off willingly enough, waiting until he would again have the chance to be alone with the man of his dreams.
Meanwhile Lenni! pulled on his jacket (much to the disappointment of his female and specially oriented male fans, who, even though they couldn't see anything thanks to the censor mark, still enjoyed seeing Lenni! take his clothes off) and propped Logan up against his stage-er, desk.
"What's bugging you, partner?" The aging stripper inquired of the drug addled detective.
"Oh, Lennie," Logan sobbed, in a fresh onslaught of emotion that made his somewhat macho ex-partner doubt his previous convictions about Logan's sexual preference.
"Um, it's Lenni! now," Lenni! said indignantly.
"Oh, Lenni!" Logan sobbed, "you have no idea how hard it's been for me."
"Tell it to the good stripper," Lenni! said kindly, ruffling his hair in a fatherly sort of way that Logan, tea-drunk as he was, took to be yet another come-on.
"Well," Logan said tearfully, surreptitiously moving a few inches away, "I was going to the Seven-Eleven last week to get more tea and out of nowhere this woman came up to me and started calling me Big, and no matter how many times I told her I wasn't she still wouldn't leave me alone."
"Poor Logan," said Lenni!, sympathy dripping out of his throat like cough medicine, "but hey, uh, if you aren't big, how do you get all those women?"
"I'm not big," Logan explained quickly. "I'm large."
"Oh," said Lenni!, not sounding convinced, "glad you cleared that up for me. I have to go back to stripping now." With that Lenni! ripped off his jacket and, to the cheers of his many fans, jumped up on the stage--er, desk, and tried to pull off his censor mark.
Upon hearing the cheers of the strange stripper fans that had been camped out in the precinct for two days, Van Buren, who was now doing ALL the work of ALL the detectives, came out of her office to see what all the hubbub was about.
"Lenni!?" she called. "Handsome Ben? Logan? Anyone?" Poor Van Buren hadn't left her office in over a week, having been holed up there day and night trying not only to solve all crime that the 2-7 was responsible for (as, after all, Lenni!, Green, and Profaci were the only detectives in the entire precinct...damn that Dick Wolf and his skimpy casting) but also to work her way through Lenni!'s papers, which went back to about 1976 and had never once been touched by America's favorite detective.
Lenni!, upon hearing his name being called in that oh-so-familiar and yet somehow alluring voice ("please god, don't make them have an affair..." L moaned, knowing that, in his current libidinous state, Lenni! was uncontrollable by even the Twins of Hazzard) looked up just as he pulled down his silver thong and carelessly tossed it into the throng.
The crowd went wild. Women screamed, Handsome Ben tried to climb onstage, people became hysterical. More than one person was seriously injured the fight to win Lenni!'s thong. But it was all for nothing-because, regardless of his efforts, Lenni! was covered by a suit shaped censor mark, black, impenetrable, and not the least bit flattering. But Lenni! was not concerned with that at the moment. For he had seen, standing helplessly outside her office door, the love of his life.
*~*~*
TBC...
If the thought of Lenni! and you-know-who together is too much to bear.well, too bad. At least we didn't pair him with Handsome Ben. Just keep telling yourself that, and take long, slow breaths.
Until next time...
S and L
The twins of Hazzard have noticed over the approximate two years that they have reading fanfiction (hey, we bloomed late) that often one author will issue a challenge to many others. Now this struck us as the best idea since sliced bread because basically we will do anything (including perverse sexual acts) for reviews. So, to anyone who can say "suit shaped censor mark" five times fast, we will send, via the Internet, two rolls of frozen mentos. We realize this is not the traditional challenge, but we are the Twins of Hazzard, and can do pretty much whatever we want (we may soon change our pen name to "Divas of Hazzard"). Also, has anyone else noticed the disturbing number of times this season that McCoy and Serena and have had dinner in fancy restaurants? This is what McCoy and Claire did all the time (and, strangely enough, Handsome Ben and Lennie did it too) if there is enough interest shown we intend to present a petition to NBC asking that under no circumstances do they become romantically involved. And now, because this authors note isn't long enough (but it's not like anyone reads them anyway), S would like to say something else.
Disclaimer (well, sort of): It has come to our attention that it is customary for authors to do not only an insanely drawn-out author's note, but also a not-so-insanely-drawn-out disclaimer, about how they don't own the characters. But then, if they don't own the characters, then who does? Dick Wolf? Pffft. Please. Like Dick Wolf can own the wonder that is L&O. You can't own a character any more than you can own a sunset-for how could someone own the charming cynicism of Lennie Briscoe or the prim righteousness of Claire Kincaid? How can one claim to own-
Excuse me, L here, but S has lapsed into hippiedom again. I must have told her a thousand times that while, yes, no one can really own all the charming (and not so charming) character attributes of those in L&O, it is very possible that we could be pulled from ff.net for not admitting, that we, do not own anything (or very little at least) of what we write about. Also we like gay people, we have gay friends, and this chapter is not attempting to make fun of them more than it does anyone else. Anyway, as this authors note is now large enough to take over Manhattan (just think of the cynical comment Lennie would have to come up in that situation) I must say.................
On to the fic!
*~*~*
Profaci Saves The Day
*~*~*
Welcome To The 2-7, Ladies Drink Free
As soon as Logan arrived at the 2-7 on a snowy afternoon that happened to be the day before Christmas Eve Eve (of course Logan didn't know this, as he had spent the last week hiding in his apartment having nightmares about dancing tea bags and duct-taping his ventilation system so there was no chance of Carrie (insert last name) getting in) he knew that the people there were far too busy with their own problems to help him with his.
The biggest problem was the one, that unfortunately caught Logan's eye first. Lenni! who had had increasing success with women since Green suggested the name change, had decided to not only attract more women faster, but to make a little money at the same time. It is entirely possible that all of this was brought on by lack of coffee, and was therefore a forgivable offense, but it was non the less an offense against nature.
Lenni! had become a stripper. Now if any other detective than Lenni! had decided to do this we would have been treated to the sight of a pudgy belly on a n older cop, or a toned one on the younger version. Really, with the wide variety of police today we could have seen any number of pleasing or repulsing things. But with Lenni!, we could see...nothing at all.
It is an unwritten law that in the law and Order universe, you are not allowed to see Lenni! without his suit on (well, except for that on episode when he wore a blue polyester jogging suit), and so to keep order in this chapter, and to keep the world from falling out of its orbit, the powers that be were doing something that, although it ruined Lenni!'s stripping, saved humanity. Because whenever Lenni! removed an article of clothing- even if it was just a tie or a shoe-someone or something put a black censor mark where it had been. Lenni!--not to mention the growing crowd of women and men of a certain persuasion around his desk, including Handsome Ben, who had given up on Logan three days before but still refused to take off the red satin teddy-was getting quite tired of this. He had stripped down to nothing but a silver thong, but no matter how many dollar bills were stuffed in it, the rest of his body remained blocked.
Logan shuddered and looked around the precinct for someone else to discuss his predicament with, but Profaci was in Miami on vacation, Van Buren was in her office, Green was on tour, and Handsome Ben was...well, you know. Hoping for the best, Logan cautiously walked over to the desk where Lenni! had taken his act and tapped him on his censor-marked shoulder.
"Do you want a lap dance?" asked Lenni! turning around to face who he assumed was an adoring (and adorable) female fan.
"Gleek!" said Logan right before passing out on the cold floor of the 2-7.
"Yes!" Said Handsome Ben, seeing Logan passed out on the cold floor of the 2-7, "now I can have my way with him!"
"Hey!" Said Lenni!, running up and keeping Handsome Ben from molesting the unconscious Logan, "you stay off! He doesn't swing that way!"
Handsome Ben smirked at Lenni!, as if to say, "I know something you don't know, na, na, na, na, na, na ,na." But walked off willingly enough, waiting until he would again have the chance to be alone with the man of his dreams.
Meanwhile Lenni! pulled on his jacket (much to the disappointment of his female and specially oriented male fans, who, even though they couldn't see anything thanks to the censor mark, still enjoyed seeing Lenni! take his clothes off) and propped Logan up against his stage-er, desk.
"What's bugging you, partner?" The aging stripper inquired of the drug addled detective.
"Oh, Lennie," Logan sobbed, in a fresh onslaught of emotion that made his somewhat macho ex-partner doubt his previous convictions about Logan's sexual preference.
"Um, it's Lenni! now," Lenni! said indignantly.
"Oh, Lenni!" Logan sobbed, "you have no idea how hard it's been for me."
"Tell it to the good stripper," Lenni! said kindly, ruffling his hair in a fatherly sort of way that Logan, tea-drunk as he was, took to be yet another come-on.
"Well," Logan said tearfully, surreptitiously moving a few inches away, "I was going to the Seven-Eleven last week to get more tea and out of nowhere this woman came up to me and started calling me Big, and no matter how many times I told her I wasn't she still wouldn't leave me alone."
"Poor Logan," said Lenni!, sympathy dripping out of his throat like cough medicine, "but hey, uh, if you aren't big, how do you get all those women?"
"I'm not big," Logan explained quickly. "I'm large."
"Oh," said Lenni!, not sounding convinced, "glad you cleared that up for me. I have to go back to stripping now." With that Lenni! ripped off his jacket and, to the cheers of his many fans, jumped up on the stage--er, desk, and tried to pull off his censor mark.
Upon hearing the cheers of the strange stripper fans that had been camped out in the precinct for two days, Van Buren, who was now doing ALL the work of ALL the detectives, came out of her office to see what all the hubbub was about.
"Lenni!?" she called. "Handsome Ben? Logan? Anyone?" Poor Van Buren hadn't left her office in over a week, having been holed up there day and night trying not only to solve all crime that the 2-7 was responsible for (as, after all, Lenni!, Green, and Profaci were the only detectives in the entire precinct...damn that Dick Wolf and his skimpy casting) but also to work her way through Lenni!'s papers, which went back to about 1976 and had never once been touched by America's favorite detective.
Lenni!, upon hearing his name being called in that oh-so-familiar and yet somehow alluring voice ("please god, don't make them have an affair..." L moaned, knowing that, in his current libidinous state, Lenni! was uncontrollable by even the Twins of Hazzard) looked up just as he pulled down his silver thong and carelessly tossed it into the throng.
The crowd went wild. Women screamed, Handsome Ben tried to climb onstage, people became hysterical. More than one person was seriously injured the fight to win Lenni!'s thong. But it was all for nothing-because, regardless of his efforts, Lenni! was covered by a suit shaped censor mark, black, impenetrable, and not the least bit flattering. But Lenni! was not concerned with that at the moment. For he had seen, standing helplessly outside her office door, the love of his life.
*~*~*
TBC...
If the thought of Lenni! and you-know-who together is too much to bear.well, too bad. At least we didn't pair him with Handsome Ben. Just keep telling yourself that, and take long, slow breaths.
Until next time...
S and L