Author's Note: Hello all! Sorry this chapter update took so so very long
but in recent months both of us became melodrama-queens in other fandoms.
And, like all other senseless celebrities, we forgot the people who made us
famous. Except that we're not actually famous. Well, you know what we
mean. Anyway, we've realized our loyalty to Profaci and have picked up the
sacred fic once again. Hey, we had to find SOME way to make Cirocco's
partner read it. So, anyway, with such a brilliant author's note you can
just tell you're in for one thousand six-hundred words of pure fic
enjoyment...right? Good. And now...
On to the fic!
Profaci Saves The Day
Chapter Seven
*~*~*
Leave The Gun; Take The Mentos
*~*~*
Lenni! stared at the office from which Van Buren had just emerged. There was no way such an angel had just exited such a puny little room. Standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips, staring at him in his suit- shaped censor mark, she was without a doubt the most beautiful woman had seen in the last three seconds. Her skin was so creamy, so milk-chocolatey. Like chocolate, Lennie! mused as a female patrolman deranged with lust (or patrol person if you prefer) tried desperately to pull off the UTTERLY NECESSARY censor mark and failed.
"Hey!" said Green, walking into the 2-7 and reading Lenni!'s mind for no reason at all, "I'm the only one that gets skin descriptions like that."
"Not so!" said Handsome Ben, thankfully sans teddy, but wearing suit ( "drat!" S muttered) "I too, have beautiful, food-colored skin. Although mine is more Carmel than chocolate...."
"You ALL have beautiful skin," Lenni! said, his eyes getting misty with appreciation for the beauty that surrounded him. "Profaci's is like buttermilk, and Handsome Ben's is like café con leche made just right. Logan's skin"-Logan, hearing his name coming out of the mouth of a male stripper, whimpered and crouched behind his desk-"is like cream. But Anita has the most beautiful skin of all." Lenni! was getting really worked up now, walking slowly towards Van Buren and struggling even harder to remove his censor mark, if that was in fact possible. "Anita's skin is like a brand-new Hershey's bar, back when they only cost a nickel. In fact," he continued, moving to stand dangerously close to Van Buren (who looked like she was about to have a seizure) and twirling a delicate tendril of her hair around his forefinger, "everything about her is perfect. Her eyes are like ebony, her limbs are long and elegant. And her lips, like two plump rosebuds kissed by morning's dew and waiting to be-"
"Lenni!" Van Buren shrieked in terror, "I'm married!"
"Darling," Lenni! said, pulling Van Buren (against her will) close to his naked (but covered) chest and looking deep into her eyes. "Love can move mountains. It can dry up the ocean, it can make money in the stock market. You can get a divorce."
"Lenni!," Van Buren said, pulling herself out of his sweaty grip and seriously considering joining Logan behind the desk, "I love my husband! Not you!"
"What!" Lenni! said, jumping backwards in shock, his eyes beginning to tear up, "but...you nibbled my ear..." With that the poor detective/stripper ran off sobbing towards the men's room.
"Oh way to go Lieu," Green said, running after Lenni!.
"Yeah, he's an old man! Try a little sensitivity!" Handsome Ben added as he followed.
Logan slowly stood up, looked around cautiously, and ran over to Van Buren's office where he hid himself behind the door. "Are-are they gone yet?" he whimpered.
"Yes," Van Buren said soothingly, going over and slowly shutting the door so Logan was unprotected.
"And Carrie too?" Logan said pathetically.
"Yes," Van Buren said, even though she didn't have the slightest idea who Carrie was. "You're safe now."
"Are you gonna hit on me now?"
"No," Van Buren said reluctantly. She didn't usually go after her detectives, but after the show Lenni! had put on Logan was rather tempting in contrast. "Hey, Logan?" she said suddenly.
"What?" Logan asked miserably.
"Why is it that I stopped being attracted to Lenni!"
"Well...you're Van Buren."
"Oh, right. Sometimes I forget about that."
Logan sat down in one of the chairs before Van Buren's desk. "Chief," he said, suddenly less meek now that all the people hitting on him were gone, "Do you think you could help me with making myself less attractive to men?"
"What makes you think I would know about that?" Van Buren asked, looking pissed. "I'll have you know I got it goin' on!"
"Aaaaaahhh!" said Logan, falling out of his chair. "Bad mental image! Very bad."
Van Buren sighed very loudly. Sometimes she thought she would never figure out how exactly Dick Wolf picked out his detective leads.
"Come with me sugar," she said soothingly to Logan as she picked him up off the floor. "We'll try to figure this out."
"No more sex talk?" whimpered Logan as they walked out the door of Van Buren's office and into that room.....where they all have desks.....we'll call it the desk room.
Logan looked around. Almost every desk there represented a bad memory for him. He had been sitting at one when Handsome Ben first propositioned him, and the one next to it was where Lenni! had danced that very morning. Another was his favorite desk for hiding behind when people started to hit on him. And so on. The only desk he hadn't been traumatized on, near, or at was the one McCoy sat at, just as he had been for the past week, completely oblivious to the morning's events as he enacted "The Godfather" with all his orange mentos playing the Corleones.
Van Buren soon realized that Logan was unable to sit at any other desk, and when he looked at her with that wounded lamb expression that made him impossible to resist it was all she could do to drop-kick McCoy out of the precinct and pull out the now-empty swivel chair for Logan to sit in.
*~*~*~*
McCoy sat in the snow outside the precinct and moped. Being drop-kicked could not be counted as pleasant in any way. And he hadn't even had a chance to grab his mentos. He only had one on him and that was Sonny. He couldn't eat Sonny. Something had to be done about this.
McCoy started walking, hands thrust into the pockets of his parka and his homeless hat tugged over his brow as he scanned the streets for a convenience store. Several people stopped to offer him loose change, which actually wasn't that unusual, as he was not only wearing his panhandler outfit but also hadn't shaved since Claire dumped him and was mumbling to himself about Clemenza, the mintiest of them all. The truly strange thing was that whenever a stranger offered him money, he took it. Once he had been the best EADA in America, and now he was a bum. Where was his pride? McCoy wondered morosely. Gone. It had left they day the love of his life walked out on him and took up with a tie enthusiast.
Suddenly McCoy turned his eyes to the sky. Well, not the sky but higher than the ground. In front of him were the two things he wanted most in the world. Claire, and mentos. Well, to be truthful there was a convince store and Claire's apartment building. But they represented the two things he wanted most in the world.
Both of theses things, McCoy saw on further inspection. were threatened. The Seven- Eleven was about to close down, leaving him with no mentos, and he could see Ben Stone's car circling the street looking for a place to park. McCoy laughed to himself: only such an idiot as Stone would have a car in the city.
With great strength of mind, body and spirit McCoy made one of the hardest choices he ever had to make (except for all the life and death ones, but those didn't count, that was work) and mounted the steps to Claire's apartment.
~*~*~*~
When McCoy walked into Claire's apartment (having skillfully jimmied the lock, knowing that it was impossible for him to be arrested as he was the only bringer of justice in New York City and therefore could not be incarcerated for fear that anarchy would erupt on the streets), he found her standing barefoot in the kitchen, gleefully stirring the contents of a big pot with a wooden spoon. It was a side of her he had never seen when they were together, and he found it indescribably attractive.
"Claire!" he said as he burst into the kitchen, unable to control himself, "I have to have you!"
Claire looked up from her cooking to find McCoy kneeling before her on the linoleum. "I'll do anything," he whispered.
"But Ben will be here any minute," Claire said weakly, not really in the mood to protest. In the week that she had spent with Ben Stone she had realized that McCoy was the only one who would ever satisfy her. In fact, at this very minute she was cooking up some chocolate body paint in the hopes of adding some spice to her sex life with Ben, having found out that he was just as boring in bed as he was in court, making him Jack's exact opposite. She had tried to make the relationship work, with presents of socks and mood music and any number of sexual aids, but nothing had been successful. She needed McCoy, and she knew it.
"Will you have me back?" McCoy asked tenderly. "I'll give up mentos for you. I'll give up everything, if only you'll leave Stone."
"Oh, Jack," she breathed, moving to walk into his outstretched arms.
It was at this point that the chocolate body paint exploded, along with McCoy's dreams.
~*~*~*~
Additional author's note: did y' all know that Green (Jesse L. Martin) was in the original cast of Rent? He is sooooo good. Buy the soundtrack and hear his oh-so-sexy voice.
TBC..........
On to the fic!
Profaci Saves The Day
Chapter Seven
*~*~*
Leave The Gun; Take The Mentos
*~*~*
Lenni! stared at the office from which Van Buren had just emerged. There was no way such an angel had just exited such a puny little room. Standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips, staring at him in his suit- shaped censor mark, she was without a doubt the most beautiful woman had seen in the last three seconds. Her skin was so creamy, so milk-chocolatey. Like chocolate, Lennie! mused as a female patrolman deranged with lust (or patrol person if you prefer) tried desperately to pull off the UTTERLY NECESSARY censor mark and failed.
"Hey!" said Green, walking into the 2-7 and reading Lenni!'s mind for no reason at all, "I'm the only one that gets skin descriptions like that."
"Not so!" said Handsome Ben, thankfully sans teddy, but wearing suit ( "drat!" S muttered) "I too, have beautiful, food-colored skin. Although mine is more Carmel than chocolate...."
"You ALL have beautiful skin," Lenni! said, his eyes getting misty with appreciation for the beauty that surrounded him. "Profaci's is like buttermilk, and Handsome Ben's is like café con leche made just right. Logan's skin"-Logan, hearing his name coming out of the mouth of a male stripper, whimpered and crouched behind his desk-"is like cream. But Anita has the most beautiful skin of all." Lenni! was getting really worked up now, walking slowly towards Van Buren and struggling even harder to remove his censor mark, if that was in fact possible. "Anita's skin is like a brand-new Hershey's bar, back when they only cost a nickel. In fact," he continued, moving to stand dangerously close to Van Buren (who looked like she was about to have a seizure) and twirling a delicate tendril of her hair around his forefinger, "everything about her is perfect. Her eyes are like ebony, her limbs are long and elegant. And her lips, like two plump rosebuds kissed by morning's dew and waiting to be-"
"Lenni!" Van Buren shrieked in terror, "I'm married!"
"Darling," Lenni! said, pulling Van Buren (against her will) close to his naked (but covered) chest and looking deep into her eyes. "Love can move mountains. It can dry up the ocean, it can make money in the stock market. You can get a divorce."
"Lenni!," Van Buren said, pulling herself out of his sweaty grip and seriously considering joining Logan behind the desk, "I love my husband! Not you!"
"What!" Lenni! said, jumping backwards in shock, his eyes beginning to tear up, "but...you nibbled my ear..." With that the poor detective/stripper ran off sobbing towards the men's room.
"Oh way to go Lieu," Green said, running after Lenni!.
"Yeah, he's an old man! Try a little sensitivity!" Handsome Ben added as he followed.
Logan slowly stood up, looked around cautiously, and ran over to Van Buren's office where he hid himself behind the door. "Are-are they gone yet?" he whimpered.
"Yes," Van Buren said soothingly, going over and slowly shutting the door so Logan was unprotected.
"And Carrie too?" Logan said pathetically.
"Yes," Van Buren said, even though she didn't have the slightest idea who Carrie was. "You're safe now."
"Are you gonna hit on me now?"
"No," Van Buren said reluctantly. She didn't usually go after her detectives, but after the show Lenni! had put on Logan was rather tempting in contrast. "Hey, Logan?" she said suddenly.
"What?" Logan asked miserably.
"Why is it that I stopped being attracted to Lenni!"
"Well...you're Van Buren."
"Oh, right. Sometimes I forget about that."
Logan sat down in one of the chairs before Van Buren's desk. "Chief," he said, suddenly less meek now that all the people hitting on him were gone, "Do you think you could help me with making myself less attractive to men?"
"What makes you think I would know about that?" Van Buren asked, looking pissed. "I'll have you know I got it goin' on!"
"Aaaaaahhh!" said Logan, falling out of his chair. "Bad mental image! Very bad."
Van Buren sighed very loudly. Sometimes she thought she would never figure out how exactly Dick Wolf picked out his detective leads.
"Come with me sugar," she said soothingly to Logan as she picked him up off the floor. "We'll try to figure this out."
"No more sex talk?" whimpered Logan as they walked out the door of Van Buren's office and into that room.....where they all have desks.....we'll call it the desk room.
Logan looked around. Almost every desk there represented a bad memory for him. He had been sitting at one when Handsome Ben first propositioned him, and the one next to it was where Lenni! had danced that very morning. Another was his favorite desk for hiding behind when people started to hit on him. And so on. The only desk he hadn't been traumatized on, near, or at was the one McCoy sat at, just as he had been for the past week, completely oblivious to the morning's events as he enacted "The Godfather" with all his orange mentos playing the Corleones.
Van Buren soon realized that Logan was unable to sit at any other desk, and when he looked at her with that wounded lamb expression that made him impossible to resist it was all she could do to drop-kick McCoy out of the precinct and pull out the now-empty swivel chair for Logan to sit in.
*~*~*~*
McCoy sat in the snow outside the precinct and moped. Being drop-kicked could not be counted as pleasant in any way. And he hadn't even had a chance to grab his mentos. He only had one on him and that was Sonny. He couldn't eat Sonny. Something had to be done about this.
McCoy started walking, hands thrust into the pockets of his parka and his homeless hat tugged over his brow as he scanned the streets for a convenience store. Several people stopped to offer him loose change, which actually wasn't that unusual, as he was not only wearing his panhandler outfit but also hadn't shaved since Claire dumped him and was mumbling to himself about Clemenza, the mintiest of them all. The truly strange thing was that whenever a stranger offered him money, he took it. Once he had been the best EADA in America, and now he was a bum. Where was his pride? McCoy wondered morosely. Gone. It had left they day the love of his life walked out on him and took up with a tie enthusiast.
Suddenly McCoy turned his eyes to the sky. Well, not the sky but higher than the ground. In front of him were the two things he wanted most in the world. Claire, and mentos. Well, to be truthful there was a convince store and Claire's apartment building. But they represented the two things he wanted most in the world.
Both of theses things, McCoy saw on further inspection. were threatened. The Seven- Eleven was about to close down, leaving him with no mentos, and he could see Ben Stone's car circling the street looking for a place to park. McCoy laughed to himself: only such an idiot as Stone would have a car in the city.
With great strength of mind, body and spirit McCoy made one of the hardest choices he ever had to make (except for all the life and death ones, but those didn't count, that was work) and mounted the steps to Claire's apartment.
~*~*~*~
When McCoy walked into Claire's apartment (having skillfully jimmied the lock, knowing that it was impossible for him to be arrested as he was the only bringer of justice in New York City and therefore could not be incarcerated for fear that anarchy would erupt on the streets), he found her standing barefoot in the kitchen, gleefully stirring the contents of a big pot with a wooden spoon. It was a side of her he had never seen when they were together, and he found it indescribably attractive.
"Claire!" he said as he burst into the kitchen, unable to control himself, "I have to have you!"
Claire looked up from her cooking to find McCoy kneeling before her on the linoleum. "I'll do anything," he whispered.
"But Ben will be here any minute," Claire said weakly, not really in the mood to protest. In the week that she had spent with Ben Stone she had realized that McCoy was the only one who would ever satisfy her. In fact, at this very minute she was cooking up some chocolate body paint in the hopes of adding some spice to her sex life with Ben, having found out that he was just as boring in bed as he was in court, making him Jack's exact opposite. She had tried to make the relationship work, with presents of socks and mood music and any number of sexual aids, but nothing had been successful. She needed McCoy, and she knew it.
"Will you have me back?" McCoy asked tenderly. "I'll give up mentos for you. I'll give up everything, if only you'll leave Stone."
"Oh, Jack," she breathed, moving to walk into his outstretched arms.
It was at this point that the chocolate body paint exploded, along with McCoy's dreams.
~*~*~*~
Additional author's note: did y' all know that Green (Jesse L. Martin) was in the original cast of Rent? He is sooooo good. Buy the soundtrack and hear his oh-so-sexy voice.
TBC..........