Silent Memories
by Violette
Part 5
"Have a nice nap?" Vin smiled at the bleary-eyed figure who shuffled into the living room in stocking feet.
"What?" Ezra asked, blinking to clear his sleep-fogged vision. He knew Vin had spoken to him, but hadn't deciphered the words.
"I asked if you had a nice nap?" Vin repeated.
"Oh," Ezra said. "Yes, I feel quite refreshed. That bed is extremely comfortable."
"Good. Dinner's almost ready."
Ezra nodded, becoming aware of an enticing aroma wafting through room.
"I just put the steaks on the grill," Vin said. "How do you like yours?"
"Medium rare would be nice," Ezra said.
"That's how I like mine, too," Vin said. "Why don't you grab some coffee and sit down? I'll let you know when everything's done."
"Thank you," Ezra said. He took a seat on the couch and gazed around the room, again appreciating the tasteful furnishings. It was a warm, comforting place, and he could understand why Vin would come here to relax. He often sought out his own secret sanctuary after completing a case. Working undercover took a lot out of him and he found that a few days of quiet and solitude were often just what he needed to decompress. The others were sometimes upset that he wouldn't spend time with them celebrating after a job was done, but they simply didn't understand. He did enjoy their company, just not at those particular times.
He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned his head.
"Soup's on, Ez," Vin said, nodding toward the kitchen.
Ezra stood and followed. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Grab that bowl of salad off the counter," Vin said over his shoulder as he pushed open the screen door.
Ezra did as requested, placing the bowl on the table before taking a seat.
Vin returned from the deck bearing two plates, each with a steak and a foil-wrapped potato on them. He set them on the table and dropped into a chair, watching Ezra expectantly.
Peeling apart the foil, Ezra looked at the contents, sniffing at them appreciatively. "What did you add to these potatoes? They smell wonderful."
"Parmesan cheese and a little butter," Vin said. "My friend Ray used to cook 'em like that when we'd come up here."
"I'll have to try this sometime," Ezra said, taking a bite. "It's quite good."
"I figured we'd save Mrs. Weaver's chicken soup for tomorrow, maybe have it for lunch."
"Yes, it would be rude not to partake of her kind offering," Ezra said.
"Yep," Vin said, digging into his steak with abandon. "It's usually real good anyway."
They ate in comfortable silence, Vin finishing before Ezra, who was still slowly making his way through his steak. Vin had considered offering to cut it for him, but didn't think it would be well-received. Ezra was managing, albeit slowly and clumsily. He smiled and cleared his plate from the table, returning with a chocolate cake.
"You bake, too?" Ezra said, an amused light in his eyes.
Vin shrugged. "I like chocolate cake. Figured I ought to learn how to make it so I can have it when I want."
"Very practical," Ezra said.
"You cook much?"
"Sometimes," Ezra replied after a moment. "It is nice to enjoy a decent meal at home occasionally, and I find it relaxing to putter about the kitchen."
Vin nodded and cut huge slices of cake for himself and Ezra. "I called Chris, by the way."
"Oh? And how did our fearless leader react to our departure?"
Vin snorted. "How do you think?"
"Ah, the usual, I take it?"
"Well, he was a little more pissed this time," Vin amended. "He's worried that the bomber might have been after us."
"You assured him we'd be safe here, did you not?"
"Yep," Vin replied. "Told him we'd be back on Wednesday."
"Good," Ezra said, pulling his plate of chocolate cake toward him. "I am enjoying our stay here, thus far, and I am loath to return any sooner than we had planned."
"You know they're gonna be all over our asses when we go back," Vin warned.
"Yes, but it's worth it."
Vin grinned and saluted him with his iced tea. "Damn straight."
Ezra looked at the hospital entrance and sighed. He really didn't want to go in there, but he had promised Vin that he would 'come clean' to Dr. Landry about the status of his hearing. After all that the other man had done for him, he couldn't bring himself to go back on his word. He sighed and started toward the door, aware of Vin watching him from the jeep.
The rest of their time at the cabin had been as enjoyable as the first day. Ezra hadn't been up to participating in any strenuous activities and had spent most of his time reading, watching movies, or going on easy walks in the woods. He had gone fishing one morning, at Vin's insistence, but had spent his time enjoying the sunshine and watching the sharpshooter catch their dinner, since holding a fishing pole was still too hard on his hands. Fall was going to be over soon, as evidenced by the colder evening temperatures, and it had been nice to simply enjoy the outdoors while the weather accommodated.
Vin had proven to be surprisingly good company, watching out for him without being intrusive and allowing him to decide for himself how much he was capable of doing. It was refreshing, after having been under the thumb of his more dictatorial associates. He grimaced, knowing that his freedom had truly come to an end, especially once he informed his teammates of his infirmity.
"So how are you feeling, Mr. Standish?" Dr. Landry said as she strode through the door.
"Much better, thank you," Ezra replied, shifting uncomfortably on the examination table as she started her examination. When she picked up the otoscope, he tensed slightly, but waited until she was finished before speaking. "How does it look?"
"Everything seems normal," she said with a smile. "Has the ringing subsided?"
"Well," Ezra began hesitantly. "There never truly was any ringing."
"Oh?" She gave him a puzzled look, waiting for him to continue.
"Actually..." He paused, then continued with a sigh. "Actually, I seem to have lost my hearing entirely."
"Excuse me?" She frowned at him, confused by this revelation, since she was obviously having a conversation with the man.
"I have not been able to hear a thing since after the explosion," Ezra stated. She still seemed confused. He smiled, realizing the reason for it. "I am able to read lips."
"Why didn't you say something earlier?" she asked, clearly not happy with him.
"I hoped that it would come back on its own," he said sheepishly.
At that, she favored him with a glare that would have done Chris Larabee proud. Reaching for the scope again, she proceeded to examine his ears thoroughly. When she was done, she studied him intently, still frowning. "I can't see anything wrong. I'm going to have to set up a few more tests."
Ezra sighed again and nodded. He didn't think the additional tests would reveal anything, but he couldn't bring himself to ignore that faint tendril of hope that maybe, this time, there would be an explanation that didn't involve his mind going haywire.
Vin walked into the office, smiling at the sight of his teammates. "Hey, guys."
"Vin! You're back!" JD jumped up to greet him with his usual boundless enthusiasm. "Where's Ezra?"
"Left him at the hospital," Vin said, making his way to his desk. "He had his appointment today."
"How is he doing?" Nathan asked.
"He's doin' fine," Vin said as he leaned back in his chair and propped his feet on the desk.
"What about you?" Josiah queried. "How are you doing?"
"I'm all right," Vin said, grinning at the large agent. "Just needed some peace an' quiet."
"You sayin' we're noisy?" Buck said, sounding slightly miffed.
Vin gave a lazy shrug. "Nah. Just didn't need y'all natterin' at us all week."
JD laughed, sympathizing with the sentiment. The three older agents looked at one another, trying to decide if they should be offended.
"Where's Chris?" Vin asked.
"With Travis," Nathan responded. "He's trying to get him to let us investigate the bombing some more."
"Travis wants us to start on a new case," Buck added.
"Damn," Vin said. "If there is someone out to get us, I'd rather be out huntin' 'em down."
"So would we, brother," Josiah agreed.
Chris strode into the office then, stopping short when he spotted Vin sitting at his desk. He nodded at the sharpshooter then turned to the rest of his men. "We have until Ezra's back at work to track down the bomber. After that, we have to start a new case."
"Better than nothin', I guess," JD said with a sigh.
"We'll just have to make sure we get the bastards," Buck agreed.
Chris looked around and frowned. "Where's Ezra?"
"At the doctor's," JD said.
Chris shot another glance at Vin, who gave him an impertinent smile. "He all right?"
"Yep," Vin replied. "He's gonna come by here after he's done."
"Good," Nathan said.
Vin rolled his eyes, knowing that Nathan wanted to check Ezra out for himself, and judging by the looks the medic was sending in his direction, he was in for the same treatment himself. He sighed, wishing he and Ezra had been able to stay at his cabin a while longer.
Ezra's reaction to his hideaway had stunned him. He hadn't expected the sophisticated man to like his humble cabin, but there had been no mistaking the honest appreciation in the southerner's eyes as he studied the place. The other man had truly enjoyed his stay and was looking much more relaxed than he had ever been during any of his forced stays at Chris's ranch. Vin had recognized in Ezra the same need for independence that he himself harbored and knew that the undercover agent would appreciate being on his own, away from the others, even if he hadn't liked where they were spending that time. Vin smiled, wondering what Ezra's own 'retreat' looked like.
Four hours later, he had been x-rayed, CAT-scanned, given an MRI, and subjected to a full hearing test. Ezra sat wearily in the examination room, waiting for the verdict. He didn't have long to wait, as Dr. Landry entered the room after only a few minutes. He watched her guardedly, taking note of her body language, then sighed. It wasn't going to be good news.
"Well, Mr. Standish," she began. "It appears that you have stumped the experts. They cannot find anything wrong with you."
"I was afraid of that," Ezra said quietly.
She stared at him, frowning at the odd tone of his voice. "Do you have something else to add?"
Reluctantly, he told her about the incident that had occurred when he was eight and the subsequent loss of hearing he had suffered.
"And you didn't think it was important to inform me of this earlier?"
Ezra looked at her with a guilty expression. "I had hoped there was another reason."
Dr. Landry's expression softened as she looked at her patient. It was understandable that he didn't want the diagnosis to involve a psychological problem. He, like many men in his profession, prided himself on his strength and his emotional stability. A psychosomatic illness implied weakness or failure to men like him, and Ezra was not one who liked having such 'flaws' discovered.
She sighed, remembering a comment she had overheard him making to one of his friends. "Appearances are everything, you know," he had said. With an attitude like that, it was no wonder he was finding this situation so difficult. She was going to have to tread carefully with him.
"You do want to hear again, don't you?" she asked.
"Of course," he answered indignantly.
"Well, we can't fix it if we don't know what's broke," she said in a no-nonsense manner, placing her hands on her hips and regarding him sternly.
Ezra gaped at her, shocked at the her attitude. "But..."
"No buts," she interrupted him, holding her hand up to halt his protests. "Now that we have a possible cause for your problem, we can take steps to eradicate it. Are you ready to do that?"
Nodding slowly, Ezra said, "Yes, Doctor."
"Good." She made some notes on her clipboard. "I'm going to set up an appointment for you with one of our staff psychiatrists... unless you have one of your own that you'd prefer?"
Ezra shook his head. He hadn't spoken to a psychiatrist in years – not counting official department visits after shootings and such.
"I think you'll like Dr. Walters," Dr. Landry continued. "He's had some experience with psychosomatic events." She smiled at him. "And he's not a pompous ass, either."
Ezra flushed slightly, remembering how he had once described some of his former doctors to her. "When is my first appointment?"
"Friday," she answered. "Until then, I want you to keep taking care of those hands and getting plenty of rest."
"I'll do that," Ezra promised.
"If you don't, I'll make sure Mr. Larabee and Mr. Jackson hear about it."
"With that incentive, how could I not?" Ezra said sarcastically.
"All right, then," she said, tucking her blonde hair behind her ear. "I think we're finished here. You can go home now."
"Thank you, Doctor," Ezra said sincerely. "I appreciate your patience."
Dr. Landry smiled as she left the room, biting back a comment about how he was lucky she did have so much patience.
With slow, plodding steps, Ezra reluctantly made his way down the hallway toward his team's office. He wasn't looking forward to facing his boss after what he and Vin had done. Plus, there was still the matter of his deafness and the fact that he had promised Vin to reveal it to the rest of his teammates. Ezra sighed. He really didn't want to go in there. But a promise was a promise.
Squaring his shoulders, Ezra pushed through the doors, bracing himself for the inevitable confrontation. His eyes widened, though, at the sight of the empty office. Frowning, he checked Chris's office, the break room, and the conference room before determining that the office was truly vacant. He spotted a blue paper sitting in the middle of his desk and picked it up awkwardly. With a chuckle, he dropped the note and left the office to meet his teammates at the Saloon.
It was an odd feeling, stepping into the Saloon and not being hit by a wave of sound. Normally, there was music, laughing, and boisterous conversation, but today, there was nothing. The revelry was still going on, but he couldn't hear a bit of it. Ezra sighed. He didn't want to be here, but he knew the others were expecting him and would probably be on his doorstep within an hour if he didn't show up.
The team was seated at their usual table and hadn't yet noticed him, so Ezra slipped inside unobtrusively, using the crowd as cover while he made his way to the bar. His pain medication had worn off hours earlier and he didn't think one drink would hurt him. Besides, he wanted a bit of liquid fortitude to prepare him for the forthcoming conversation.
Ezra had just downed his second shot when he felt a tap on his arm. He turned to see Vin eyeing him with concern. "Mr. Tanner," he greeted the other man.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine," Ezra said dismissively. "I merely wanted a few minutes to collect myself before venturing into the lion's den."
Vin lifted an eyebrow sarcastically and pointed to the empty glass.
"A bit of artificial nerve enhancement," Ezra said with a faint smile.
"Better not let Nate see you drinking that," Vin said. "Come on before the guys see you over here."
Ezra nodded and followed the Texan back to the table with the rest of their teammates.
"Gentlemen," Ezra said as he slid into his usual seat.
"Ezra," Chris said, unsmiling as he regarded his agent.
Vin nudged Ezra and rapidly signed something under the cover of the table.
Ezra chuckled. Vin had told him to be glad he wouldn't have to hear the yelling Chris would probably be doing soon. "You are correct, Mr. Tanner."
JD looked between them, confused. "Huh?"
"That was a damn fool stunt you pulled," Chris admonished. "Both of you." He turned his glare on Vin as well.
"Mr. Larabee," Ezra began. "If you and your compatriots would treat us as the adults we are, Mr. Tanner and myself would not be forced to seek escape from your presence so frequently." Ezra knew he had touched a nerve when he saw Chris's jaw clench and a fire begin to rise in his eyes.
"If you had any sense, we wouldn't have to treat you like kids," Nathan growled.
"Yeah," Buck added. "You boys just don't take care of yourselves, so we figure we have to do it for you."
Both Vin and Ezra bristled at the commentary and glared at the offenders.
"You must admit, brothers," Josiah said gently. "You don't always do what you should. We only want to help."
Ezra sighed and shook his head. "I cannot do this, Mr. Tanner. Not now."
Vin was inclined to agree, but decided they might as well go for broke. "Nah, you gotta tell them, Ez. Hell, they already think we're idiots. This ain't gonna change that any."
"What are you talking about?" JD asked, after Ezra had returned his attention to them.
Ezra sighed and looked around at the assembled group. "Mr. Tanner is simply reminding me that the news that I am about to impart will not change the opinions you have with regards to our competence and ability to care for ourselves."
"What news?" Chris said with a frown.
Ezra looked at Vin, who nodded at him encouragingly. Pasting a smile on his face, Ezra announced, "Gentlemen, I was not completely forthcoming with regards to the extent of my condition."
"What?!" Nathan said, sitting up sharply. "What's wrong?"
Ezra hesitated for a moment, then stated calmly, "Since the explosion, I have been completely unable to hear."
Silence reigned at the table while his words registered.
"What are you talking about?" JD asked. "You're hearing us just fine."
"I can read lips, Mr. Dunne," Ezra explained. "Quite well, in fact."
"Hell, and I thought you were talking quieter than usual because your throat hurt from the smoke," Buck said with a shake of his head.
"You've been deaf since the explosion?" Nathan asked incredulously, trying in vain to reign in his exasperation. "And you didn't think it was important to tell us?!"
"No, I did not," Ezra explained calmly. "I knew what your reactions would be and had no desire to subject myself to any more restrictions on my freedom."
"Is it permanent?" JD gripped Ezra's arm, worry plain on his face.
Ezra pondered that for a moment. "It's possible... but unlikely." The others started talking all at once and Ezra finally gave up trying to understand any of them. He held up his hand. "Please, one at a time. I can't understand all of you at once."
Nathan seemed to be elected, so he asked, "What does your doctor have to say?"
"In short... it's a trauma-induced psychosomatic condition." He smiled ruefully as his teammates, with the exception of Vin, gaped at him in shock.
"How did that happen?" Buck finally asked.
Ezra shrugged. "I don't know. I have most likely blocked the cause from my mind, along with my sense of hearing."
"Can they do anything for it?" JD asked.
"I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday," Ezra said quietly, looking away from them. He didn't want to see the pity or disappointment in their eyes.
Vin touched his arm and said to him, "It's not your fault."
"There's a reason they use the term 'hysterical' to describe such conditions," Ezra said quietly. "My mind was simply too weak to cope and decided to shut down."
Gentle fingers touched his chin, startling him, and Ezra found himself looking his boss in the eye. "You aren't weak, Ezra, and I don't want to hear you talk like that again, you hear."
Ezra simply nodded in reply, taken aback by the man's response. Of all of them, he would have expected Larabee to be most in agreement with his opinion.
Vin nudged him and signed, "It will be fine."
Ezra replied in kind with, "I hope you're right." When he turned back to the group, he noticed JD looking at him curiously. "What is it, Mr. Dunne?"
"You know sign language, too?"
"Yes," Ezra nodded. "I learned it a long time ago."
Josiah stared at him thoughtfully, then touched his arm to get his attention. "Why did you learn it?"
Ezra flushed and looked down at the table, staring at the wet rings left by the beer mugs as he considered how to respond. Finally, he decided to give them an abbreviated explanation. Lifting his head, he said evenly, "I experienced a similar episode when I was a child."
Another stunned silence graced the table and Ezra shifted uncomfortably under the intense scrutiny.
"You were deaf then, too?" Nathan queried, wanting clarification.
"Yes."
"For how long?" Nathan demanded.
Ezra sighed, feeling a headache beginning to develop.
Vin squeezed his shoulder in support and answered for him, "Eighteen months."
Ezra gave them a wan smile as they sat back in their chairs, at a loss for words. He should have anticipated such a thorough interrogation, especially from Nathan.
"Jesus," Buck said, rubbing his moustache distractedly.
"Guess that explains why you read lips so good, huh, Ez?" JD said, forcing a weak smile.
"Indeed," Ezra replied. "I did have a great deal of practice."
"How old were you, son?" Josiah inquired kindly.
"Eight."
"Damn," Buck said, looking impressed. "And you didn't forget any of it?"
Ezra chuckled lightly at that. "My mother found it to be a useful skill, even after I had regained my hearing. I was often able to provide her with advance warning of any undue interest being taken in her activities by security personnel in various places where she plied her trade. Who would suspect a young child of eavesdropping from across the room?"
Vin gave a disgusted snort that went unnoticed by Ezra, but not by the others. Chris met the sharpshooter's eyes, knowing that there was probably more to the story, but decided that this was not a good time to press for more details.
Ezra shrugged and continued. "It did keep me in practice, though, and I have used it frequently to my advantage in my undercover work." A smirk crossed his face. "It can be quite useful to know when your target is arranging your demise with his minions."
"I bet," Buck said with a broad grin.
Inez interrupted at that moment, carrying a tray loaded with food. "Your orders are ready, señors."
Ezra's stomach growled in response to the spicy aroma that filled the air, and he was regretting that he hadn't placed his own order before joining his companions at the table. As he was about to speak, Inez placed a plate in front of him. He glanced up at her in surprise.
"I made your favorite, Señor Standish," she said with a smile.
Sniffing appreciatively at the plate of enchiladas, Ezra smiled at her and said, "Thank you, Ms. Recillos. I'm sure it will be as wonderful as usual."
"You let me know if you need anything else," Inez said with a smile, patting his arm gently.
"Hey, Inez," Buck called. "I could use some tabasco sauce."
"Go get it yourself, Buck," Inez said, tossing her head as she walked away.
"Guess she told you," JD snickered.
"Hmph!" Buck sniffed, trying to ignore the laughter at his expense.
TBC