Caitlin Bree was a college graduate. To feed her insecurity about herself, she would pay good money to Ivana the Topless Psychic, and every week she would ask "Who is the most beautiful in all the lands?". Ivana, rolling her eyes but wanting to keep her only regular customer besides Brodie and T.S., would say "Why you, Caitlin Bree" and Caitlin would go home content and watch really bad movies. But one day, Ivana was having a bad day and didn't feel like shooting the crap. So when Caitlin asked, as always, Ivana responded, "Why it's Dante Hicks, your old high school boyfriend."
This was horrid! Caitlin immediately screamed as if she had just gotten out of a Quik Stop bathroom, snatched her purse, and rushed down to Red Bank so she could settle this matter once and for all.
Meanwhile, Dante was attempting to get Randal to stop pilfering lottery tickets.
"Will ya stop scratching those damn things? You're never gonna win anyways."
"Oh, ye of little faith. There's always a first time. Look at all the ones that haven't won. There's gotta be a lucky one in here somewhere."
"For Christ's sake, the fuckin' garbage is overflowing with the goddamn things! Will ya knock it off? I'm not even supposed to be here today!" But he was rudely interrupted by Caitlin Bree coming through the door in a mad rush.
"Caitlin?"
"DANTE! You son of a bitch!" Caitlin slapped him across the cheek.
"Now what the hell did ya do that for?"
"Oh, you just tried, didn't you? You just tried, and tried, and tried because you HAD to be better than me, but NO! You're never going to quit trying to get back at me, are ya?"
"Wuh-, Caitlin, please, what is this about?"
"WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? You know straight fucking well what this is about and you're still trying to play dumb with me. You never change Dante! I should have married that Asian design major!"
"Wasn't he a drum major?" called out Randal.
"You stay the fuck out of this!"
"You know what? Fine. You can play this way," seethed Caitlin. "But I'll get you back. Don't you worry, Dante Hicks, I will fuck you up so badly you wish you'd never even thought of competing with me!" And she left in a whirlwind.
"Ouch. What the hell'd you do, sleep with more guys in a week than her?" queried Randal.
"I dunno...Jesus Christ that woman can get on my nerves! I don't have to take this...I'm not even supposed to be here today! Will ya close up for me? I'm gonna go home and take a nap."
"No problem man. You want a Gatorade to get you home?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Hey, who took all the Gatorade?"
"Fuckin' CHRIST!" Dante ran out the door.
"Hey man, where you goin' in such a hurry?" Jay mumbled.
"I gotta get some sleep, I'm tired as shit." Dante returned as he opened up his car.
"Oh, now look Silent Bob. He's too tired to run the convienience store, but he's fine driving home. WAY TO SLACK OFF YA FUCKING PUSSY!"
"Will you just leave me alone?" snapped Dante. "I've had a bad day."
"So has Silent Bob here, but you don't hear this tubby bitch complaining. Course, he never says shit except for that fuckin' Amy story, but he's still taking it easy like always, the smooth motherfucker."
Silent Bob spoke. "Will you give us a ride?"
Dante did a double take. "WHAT?"
"Will you give us a ride?"
"Sure, hop in. But sit in the back."
"Oh what, you gonna make love to yourself in the front seat or what? Ya gotta have it clean to sit next to?"
"Oh will ya knock it off?"
"You know man, me and Silent Bob got a messed up place. You oughta work for us, you can clean shit. You're good at that kinda shit, workin' in a fuckin' convienience store and all. We could even pay you some."
"I don't accept weed as cash, thanks."
"It don't gotta be weed. I got coke, shrooms, acid-"
"I don't accept ANY drugs as cash, thanks."
"Oh. Shit. I guess we could pay you some cash, but you'd get a better deal if you took th-"
"No thanks Jay, I think I'm good."
"Alright. Think about it man. We make better money than you think. You could get a nice living offa us being a fuckin' housekeeper. Be less humiliating than that fuckin' Quik Stop with all those fuckin' dumbshit customer fucks."
Yes, our dear Dante did think about it, and took the job, being a housekeeper for Jay and Silent Bob, who only occasionally spat on him. Caitlin could never get over Dante being prettier, and evantually hired a low-grade hit man to bump him off, but since Dante wasn't at the Quik Stop, he was nowhere to be found. Caitlin was sure he had gone somewhere else because Dante had never been stable or good anyways, so it was all for the better. And everyone lived happily ever after.
This was horrid! Caitlin immediately screamed as if she had just gotten out of a Quik Stop bathroom, snatched her purse, and rushed down to Red Bank so she could settle this matter once and for all.
Meanwhile, Dante was attempting to get Randal to stop pilfering lottery tickets.
"Will ya stop scratching those damn things? You're never gonna win anyways."
"Oh, ye of little faith. There's always a first time. Look at all the ones that haven't won. There's gotta be a lucky one in here somewhere."
"For Christ's sake, the fuckin' garbage is overflowing with the goddamn things! Will ya knock it off? I'm not even supposed to be here today!" But he was rudely interrupted by Caitlin Bree coming through the door in a mad rush.
"Caitlin?"
"DANTE! You son of a bitch!" Caitlin slapped him across the cheek.
"Now what the hell did ya do that for?"
"Oh, you just tried, didn't you? You just tried, and tried, and tried because you HAD to be better than me, but NO! You're never going to quit trying to get back at me, are ya?"
"Wuh-, Caitlin, please, what is this about?"
"WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? You know straight fucking well what this is about and you're still trying to play dumb with me. You never change Dante! I should have married that Asian design major!"
"Wasn't he a drum major?" called out Randal.
"You stay the fuck out of this!"
"You know what? Fine. You can play this way," seethed Caitlin. "But I'll get you back. Don't you worry, Dante Hicks, I will fuck you up so badly you wish you'd never even thought of competing with me!" And she left in a whirlwind.
"Ouch. What the hell'd you do, sleep with more guys in a week than her?" queried Randal.
"I dunno...Jesus Christ that woman can get on my nerves! I don't have to take this...I'm not even supposed to be here today! Will ya close up for me? I'm gonna go home and take a nap."
"No problem man. You want a Gatorade to get you home?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Hey, who took all the Gatorade?"
"Fuckin' CHRIST!" Dante ran out the door.
"Hey man, where you goin' in such a hurry?" Jay mumbled.
"I gotta get some sleep, I'm tired as shit." Dante returned as he opened up his car.
"Oh, now look Silent Bob. He's too tired to run the convienience store, but he's fine driving home. WAY TO SLACK OFF YA FUCKING PUSSY!"
"Will you just leave me alone?" snapped Dante. "I've had a bad day."
"So has Silent Bob here, but you don't hear this tubby bitch complaining. Course, he never says shit except for that fuckin' Amy story, but he's still taking it easy like always, the smooth motherfucker."
Silent Bob spoke. "Will you give us a ride?"
Dante did a double take. "WHAT?"
"Will you give us a ride?"
"Sure, hop in. But sit in the back."
"Oh what, you gonna make love to yourself in the front seat or what? Ya gotta have it clean to sit next to?"
"Oh will ya knock it off?"
"You know man, me and Silent Bob got a messed up place. You oughta work for us, you can clean shit. You're good at that kinda shit, workin' in a fuckin' convienience store and all. We could even pay you some."
"I don't accept weed as cash, thanks."
"It don't gotta be weed. I got coke, shrooms, acid-"
"I don't accept ANY drugs as cash, thanks."
"Oh. Shit. I guess we could pay you some cash, but you'd get a better deal if you took th-"
"No thanks Jay, I think I'm good."
"Alright. Think about it man. We make better money than you think. You could get a nice living offa us being a fuckin' housekeeper. Be less humiliating than that fuckin' Quik Stop with all those fuckin' dumbshit customer fucks."
Yes, our dear Dante did think about it, and took the job, being a housekeeper for Jay and Silent Bob, who only occasionally spat on him. Caitlin could never get over Dante being prettier, and evantually hired a low-grade hit man to bump him off, but since Dante wasn't at the Quik Stop, he was nowhere to be found. Caitlin was sure he had gone somewhere else because Dante had never been stable or good anyways, so it was all for the better. And everyone lived happily ever after.