Chapter 8: Courageous Fear
The extreme cold of the dungeons stung Iris' fevered skin. She drew in mouthfuls of the icy air relishing in the pain that its sharpness brought to her weak lungs. It was a sensation that was not a part of the pain that threatened to take hold. It was a distraction from her overwhelming need to run back down the shadowed hallway and out into the night air away from Hogwarts and all of its complications.
All of her senses were sharpened. Each one sending new information to her entirely separate from the other four. Yet all of them seemed somehow dulled as well. She felt like she was under water. Her footfalls were slow and heavy and the sound of them hitting to cold stones beneath her sent rippling echoes behind her. She could hear Snape's steps as well as she followed him, only dimly aware of his presence. His feet, his breath, his occasional directions were registered as something far away from herself. She heard them as someone would hear a conversation in the distance and even then it was murky. Like too much pressure in the air had clogged the reception to her ears. She heard her own deep and unsteady breathing, and felt with each step the continued beating of her heart. The sweat in her palms was somehow reassuring. That felt real and present while all her other senses seemed not really to come from herself but some outside source willing them onto her. Then finally, abruptly the walk ended.
She nearly walked directly into Snape's back when he stopped it was so sudden a movement and she had been following him so closely. He muttered something at his door Iris squinted vaguely aware that passwords were almost always useful and she should have paid better attention. Then again after tonight she may never wish to see these rooms again.
"Miss Evans..."
She looked up startled. Snape was gazing at her with a mingled expression of concern and impatience. He had obviously been attempting to get her attention for quite a while.
"Do you wish to conduct this little experiment in the doorway or were you planning on entering at some point within the night?" His tone was harsh and unforgiving, but Iris saw fear flash in his eyes. Then just as quickly as it appeared it vanished.
Looking down to regain her footing and presence of mind Iris entered Snape's private chamber feeling all the while as if someone were walking over her grave. She shivered noticeably. Snape made a move to light the fire and was stopped by her hand over his wrist. "No. No magic until it is over, and no fire. I promise the cold will be reassuring."
Snape looked perplexed but lowered his wand. "As you wish. Shall we begin?"
"I will need a few things." Snape gestured for her to continue. "A dagger, a large silver bowl, a cloth, a mortar and pestle, willow bark..."
"Perhaps it would be better for you to collect them yourself. My private laboratory and supplies are through there" He directed her through a tall door to the left of where they stood. Iris made her way swiftly wishing for even the temporary solitude collecting supplies would provide.
She breathed easier when she shut the door behind her, and began to search for the tools necessary to perform her dreaded task. His laboratory was immaculate and clearly organized. To Iris' immense regret she found all of the ingredients and tools much too quickly for her to gather her thoughts and prepare her for what she must do. She put all that she needed into a large cauldron and set it on the counter, she would stay in here alone until this sick feeling in her stomach subsided. What had she agreed to? It was one thing to tell someone what had happened, but it was quite another to ask them to live it and to relive it herself in the process. She couldn't stop her hands from shaking.
How would he react? Would he think less of her? Would he blame himself? What will Dumbledore do when he hear the story which he undoubtedly will? Would the spell somehow summon her again or draw unwanted attention from, "NO! This is useless Iris, you agreed to this. You proposed this idea yourself. Get on with it girl. You will survive the consequences; like you always have," she said aloud stopping herself from her downward spiral of thinking.
Taking one last breath she picked up the cauldron and made her way back to Snape. He was sitting motionless on a couch in the center of his living room. "Perhaps a bed would be better. You may be in an unconscious state for a while, and my guess is that once you have awoken your body will want for sleep."
Snape rose from his silent trance and lead her through a door opposite the one to his laboratory. She was surprised at his simple obedience to her request. He is afraid too she mused almost smiling at the realization that she was not quite alone in this endeavor.
For the first moment since they had arrived Iris allowed herself to observe her surroundings. The bedroom was large and drafty from absence of a fire. She was grateful for the cold air prickling her skin. She could not imagine attempting this in a room full of warmth and comfort. No, that would not suit this at all.
The bed was a large four poster not unlike the one she had slept in as a student. The last time she had had the steady comfort of a bed each night with the exception of her time in the infirmary. She turned around taking in each object and piece of furniture separately and allowing them to register in her mind. Chair, desk, parchment, quill, wardrobe, window, books stacked by the bed, Snape.....he stood in the center of the room beside the bed with an expectant look on his face, and yet he said nothing to rush her slow inspection of his chamber. He must know that the task ahead was not easy for either party, and he had no apparent need to hurry the inevitable.
"Please make yourself as comfortable as possible, I have to prepare a few things." The confidence Iris wished to display was only lost in the slight trembling of her hands as she unloaded the contents of the cauldron onto Snape's desk. She heard him settle onto the bed behind her.
"I must inquire Miss Evans, have you done this before?"
"No, I have not. I do not habitually find those who wish to live through my experiences Professor. No, you are the first with that request."
"If you have never done this before then how, precisely, do you have any idea what to do or expect?"
Iris turned sharply back to him. "I do not know HOW I know professor, I simply do. I assure you that there are many things this world without explanation professor, but they are valid nonetheless. I know what to do because I am meant to be able to do it. Ever since I became capable of these things I have instinctively known what to do. I was never taught. I know what to expect because....I see what to expect in my mind." Iris sat in the chair beside the desk and rubbed her eyes vigorously.
"Forgive me if that does not inspire perfect confidence in what I am about to endure." Snape sneered at her.
"Do not take your fear out on me Severus Snape! I know perfectly well what you are up to! I will not be responsible for your sudden desire for a place to aim your doubts. You know there are many aspects to my...powers...that are without explanation. I will not physically harm you in any way." She was being harsh she knew. To point out fear in Severus was a low blow.
"If it eases your...discomfort...I will be doing everything you will and experiencing all of this right beside you. There is no reason I would attempt to poison or harm myself."
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Severus looked over at the bent figure of Iris in his chair. She was visibly trembling. It had not occurred to him that she too would have to live through these moments with him. He had no idea why the thought had not entered his mind before but now it made perfect sense. He had seem the same things she had when she had viewed his memories. Those had been small vignettes very little but the barest timeline of his life since her disappearance. She was about to relive hers in its entirety.
He no longer wondered at the fear that he saw gripping the girls since they left the infirmary. Suddenly all he wanted to do was take her into his arms and comfort her. To stroke her hair and tell her it would be all right, but he did not know if that was true. All he knew was that if her past held half as many unpleasant memories as his did this was an incredibly courageous act. He looked over to see her busily adding ingredient to the silver bowl.
His assumption had been that this method would be less painful than her having to speak her experiences out loud. He now knew better.
He watched her cautiously as she approached him holding a small pin and a silver bowl. "I need to," She paused and took a deep breath, " I need some blood... from your eyes. Would you like to...um...extract in yourself or should I?" She held the pin out and Severus could see the immense effort it took for her to keep her hand steady. Most likely to avoid any scalding remarks from him. He silently took the needle from her hand and the silver bowl from the other.
"Am I correct in presuming that this is its final destination." He raised the silver bowl and looked into Iris' eyes.
"Yes, It should not hurt too mush I have treated the pin with a numbing, and a clotting agent. You should begin to heal immediately and it should be completely over by the time the numbing agent wears off."
"Thank you. How much do you need?"
"The pin will draw the exact amount inside of it. It is yours you know? You should be aware of its functions." He knew that she said this not to belittle him but in an effort to lesson the tension that was rapidly filling to room like a fog.
Severus looked at the pin he held and recognized it immediately. "Of course. You are right. I apologize."
She looked at him in mild confusion, and he set the bowl to one side and took her hand in his. "Iris, we are about to do a very frightening thing. We will need each other. This game of cat and mouse will do us no benefit." She nodded in silent agreement and squeezed his hand like a frightened child then released herself from his grip. She turned back to the desk and held up a pin identical to the one Severus was holding.
"Together then." She gave him a very weak smile. She let out a sharp release of breath and he watched her posture straighten and her shaking stop. She had a new aura of fearlessness about her. She walked back to him and sat on the bed so that the silver bowl was placed between them. "Place the pin on the outside edge of your eye. It will send a slight shock through your eye when it is done retrieving the blood. After that place the tip of the pin into the mixture in the bowl until a similar shock goes through your hand signaling that it is once again empty. Ready?"
Severus nodded and placed the pin in position. "Now." The numbing agent was doing its job. An extreme heat covered his eyeball and it began to pulse but he felt very little pain. The pin suddenly vibrated and a sharp jolt went coursing through it into his eye. The signal that it had drawn all it needed from him. Keeping the one eye closed he looked over at Iris to see her removing her pin as well and steadily placing the tip into the cloudy mixture within the silver bowl. He quickly followed her example.
Once the pins had been emptied of their contents Iris picked up the bowl and emptied half of its contents into a glass and placed it aside. "Your potion needs one more ingredient, and I need your help in getting it."
She picked up the glass she had made and quickly drank the contents. She looked at him steadily. "You will need to drain me of a considerable amount more of my blood. The blood from the eyes was merely to connect our visions. So you will see what I choose to see. This is to place my blood within you. It is my blood that allows me to send and receive visions. You will need to posses that for a short while. It will not be permanent, but it will be too much blood loss for me to continue to perform the rest of the ritual. I will cut my hand and for as long as I am able I will hold it over the bowl, but the potion has weakened me physically. My mind and powers were enhanced so I will be aware but unable to hold myself up. You will need to keep my hand over the bowl until the potion turns a deep purple. Then take this cloth and tie it over my hand. I soaked it in a potion that will stop the blood flow. Finally you will need to drink the potion and lay down. After that I am not entirely sure what exactly will happen, but I know we will both awake sometime later. I can only assume that our mental and physical states will be...strange."
She moved quickly sitting opposite him on the bed. She held the dagger to her hand and over the silver bowl. Snape brought his hand up to stop her. "Lay down" he said softly, "I will help you." Snape held the dagger and the bowl as she lowered herself on the bed on her back. She closed her eyes and held her hand out.
Severus placed the bowl under her hand and took up the dagger. He gently took hold of her hand and looked over to her again. One single tear dropped from her hardened face. He ran his thumb along her hand reassuringly and before he knew what he was doing he kissed her palm lovingly then swiftly drew the edge of the dagger along it watching the blood rapidly flowing into the bowl beneath it.
He was hypnotized by it, and disgusted with it all at once. He felt her hand go limp in his and fear racked through him. He pressed his fingers into her wrist reassured by the pulse that remained there. Below her hand the potion rapidly turned a deep purple and he grabbed the cloth pressing it to her wound.
True to her word the bleeding stopped. Severus took up the silver bowl and pressed it to his lips. "I'm coming Iris." He drank the vile mixture and lay beside her in the bed.
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******nerd-girl and my faithful reader Sinister Papaya Fondue thank you very very much for your reviews! You are great great great! Don't worry the mystery will end. The next few chapters will be dedicated entirely to Iris' past. I just had to string you along one more chapter bwahahahah!! Really any excuse to do an evil laugh! Anyway thank you for reading!
The extreme cold of the dungeons stung Iris' fevered skin. She drew in mouthfuls of the icy air relishing in the pain that its sharpness brought to her weak lungs. It was a sensation that was not a part of the pain that threatened to take hold. It was a distraction from her overwhelming need to run back down the shadowed hallway and out into the night air away from Hogwarts and all of its complications.
All of her senses were sharpened. Each one sending new information to her entirely separate from the other four. Yet all of them seemed somehow dulled as well. She felt like she was under water. Her footfalls were slow and heavy and the sound of them hitting to cold stones beneath her sent rippling echoes behind her. She could hear Snape's steps as well as she followed him, only dimly aware of his presence. His feet, his breath, his occasional directions were registered as something far away from herself. She heard them as someone would hear a conversation in the distance and even then it was murky. Like too much pressure in the air had clogged the reception to her ears. She heard her own deep and unsteady breathing, and felt with each step the continued beating of her heart. The sweat in her palms was somehow reassuring. That felt real and present while all her other senses seemed not really to come from herself but some outside source willing them onto her. Then finally, abruptly the walk ended.
She nearly walked directly into Snape's back when he stopped it was so sudden a movement and she had been following him so closely. He muttered something at his door Iris squinted vaguely aware that passwords were almost always useful and she should have paid better attention. Then again after tonight she may never wish to see these rooms again.
"Miss Evans..."
She looked up startled. Snape was gazing at her with a mingled expression of concern and impatience. He had obviously been attempting to get her attention for quite a while.
"Do you wish to conduct this little experiment in the doorway or were you planning on entering at some point within the night?" His tone was harsh and unforgiving, but Iris saw fear flash in his eyes. Then just as quickly as it appeared it vanished.
Looking down to regain her footing and presence of mind Iris entered Snape's private chamber feeling all the while as if someone were walking over her grave. She shivered noticeably. Snape made a move to light the fire and was stopped by her hand over his wrist. "No. No magic until it is over, and no fire. I promise the cold will be reassuring."
Snape looked perplexed but lowered his wand. "As you wish. Shall we begin?"
"I will need a few things." Snape gestured for her to continue. "A dagger, a large silver bowl, a cloth, a mortar and pestle, willow bark..."
"Perhaps it would be better for you to collect them yourself. My private laboratory and supplies are through there" He directed her through a tall door to the left of where they stood. Iris made her way swiftly wishing for even the temporary solitude collecting supplies would provide.
She breathed easier when she shut the door behind her, and began to search for the tools necessary to perform her dreaded task. His laboratory was immaculate and clearly organized. To Iris' immense regret she found all of the ingredients and tools much too quickly for her to gather her thoughts and prepare her for what she must do. She put all that she needed into a large cauldron and set it on the counter, she would stay in here alone until this sick feeling in her stomach subsided. What had she agreed to? It was one thing to tell someone what had happened, but it was quite another to ask them to live it and to relive it herself in the process. She couldn't stop her hands from shaking.
How would he react? Would he think less of her? Would he blame himself? What will Dumbledore do when he hear the story which he undoubtedly will? Would the spell somehow summon her again or draw unwanted attention from, "NO! This is useless Iris, you agreed to this. You proposed this idea yourself. Get on with it girl. You will survive the consequences; like you always have," she said aloud stopping herself from her downward spiral of thinking.
Taking one last breath she picked up the cauldron and made her way back to Snape. He was sitting motionless on a couch in the center of his living room. "Perhaps a bed would be better. You may be in an unconscious state for a while, and my guess is that once you have awoken your body will want for sleep."
Snape rose from his silent trance and lead her through a door opposite the one to his laboratory. She was surprised at his simple obedience to her request. He is afraid too she mused almost smiling at the realization that she was not quite alone in this endeavor.
For the first moment since they had arrived Iris allowed herself to observe her surroundings. The bedroom was large and drafty from absence of a fire. She was grateful for the cold air prickling her skin. She could not imagine attempting this in a room full of warmth and comfort. No, that would not suit this at all.
The bed was a large four poster not unlike the one she had slept in as a student. The last time she had had the steady comfort of a bed each night with the exception of her time in the infirmary. She turned around taking in each object and piece of furniture separately and allowing them to register in her mind. Chair, desk, parchment, quill, wardrobe, window, books stacked by the bed, Snape.....he stood in the center of the room beside the bed with an expectant look on his face, and yet he said nothing to rush her slow inspection of his chamber. He must know that the task ahead was not easy for either party, and he had no apparent need to hurry the inevitable.
"Please make yourself as comfortable as possible, I have to prepare a few things." The confidence Iris wished to display was only lost in the slight trembling of her hands as she unloaded the contents of the cauldron onto Snape's desk. She heard him settle onto the bed behind her.
"I must inquire Miss Evans, have you done this before?"
"No, I have not. I do not habitually find those who wish to live through my experiences Professor. No, you are the first with that request."
"If you have never done this before then how, precisely, do you have any idea what to do or expect?"
Iris turned sharply back to him. "I do not know HOW I know professor, I simply do. I assure you that there are many things this world without explanation professor, but they are valid nonetheless. I know what to do because I am meant to be able to do it. Ever since I became capable of these things I have instinctively known what to do. I was never taught. I know what to expect because....I see what to expect in my mind." Iris sat in the chair beside the desk and rubbed her eyes vigorously.
"Forgive me if that does not inspire perfect confidence in what I am about to endure." Snape sneered at her.
"Do not take your fear out on me Severus Snape! I know perfectly well what you are up to! I will not be responsible for your sudden desire for a place to aim your doubts. You know there are many aspects to my...powers...that are without explanation. I will not physically harm you in any way." She was being harsh she knew. To point out fear in Severus was a low blow.
"If it eases your...discomfort...I will be doing everything you will and experiencing all of this right beside you. There is no reason I would attempt to poison or harm myself."
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Severus looked over at the bent figure of Iris in his chair. She was visibly trembling. It had not occurred to him that she too would have to live through these moments with him. He had no idea why the thought had not entered his mind before but now it made perfect sense. He had seem the same things she had when she had viewed his memories. Those had been small vignettes very little but the barest timeline of his life since her disappearance. She was about to relive hers in its entirety.
He no longer wondered at the fear that he saw gripping the girls since they left the infirmary. Suddenly all he wanted to do was take her into his arms and comfort her. To stroke her hair and tell her it would be all right, but he did not know if that was true. All he knew was that if her past held half as many unpleasant memories as his did this was an incredibly courageous act. He looked over to see her busily adding ingredient to the silver bowl.
His assumption had been that this method would be less painful than her having to speak her experiences out loud. He now knew better.
He watched her cautiously as she approached him holding a small pin and a silver bowl. "I need to," She paused and took a deep breath, " I need some blood... from your eyes. Would you like to...um...extract in yourself or should I?" She held the pin out and Severus could see the immense effort it took for her to keep her hand steady. Most likely to avoid any scalding remarks from him. He silently took the needle from her hand and the silver bowl from the other.
"Am I correct in presuming that this is its final destination." He raised the silver bowl and looked into Iris' eyes.
"Yes, It should not hurt too mush I have treated the pin with a numbing, and a clotting agent. You should begin to heal immediately and it should be completely over by the time the numbing agent wears off."
"Thank you. How much do you need?"
"The pin will draw the exact amount inside of it. It is yours you know? You should be aware of its functions." He knew that she said this not to belittle him but in an effort to lesson the tension that was rapidly filling to room like a fog.
Severus looked at the pin he held and recognized it immediately. "Of course. You are right. I apologize."
She looked at him in mild confusion, and he set the bowl to one side and took her hand in his. "Iris, we are about to do a very frightening thing. We will need each other. This game of cat and mouse will do us no benefit." She nodded in silent agreement and squeezed his hand like a frightened child then released herself from his grip. She turned back to the desk and held up a pin identical to the one Severus was holding.
"Together then." She gave him a very weak smile. She let out a sharp release of breath and he watched her posture straighten and her shaking stop. She had a new aura of fearlessness about her. She walked back to him and sat on the bed so that the silver bowl was placed between them. "Place the pin on the outside edge of your eye. It will send a slight shock through your eye when it is done retrieving the blood. After that place the tip of the pin into the mixture in the bowl until a similar shock goes through your hand signaling that it is once again empty. Ready?"
Severus nodded and placed the pin in position. "Now." The numbing agent was doing its job. An extreme heat covered his eyeball and it began to pulse but he felt very little pain. The pin suddenly vibrated and a sharp jolt went coursing through it into his eye. The signal that it had drawn all it needed from him. Keeping the one eye closed he looked over at Iris to see her removing her pin as well and steadily placing the tip into the cloudy mixture within the silver bowl. He quickly followed her example.
Once the pins had been emptied of their contents Iris picked up the bowl and emptied half of its contents into a glass and placed it aside. "Your potion needs one more ingredient, and I need your help in getting it."
She picked up the glass she had made and quickly drank the contents. She looked at him steadily. "You will need to drain me of a considerable amount more of my blood. The blood from the eyes was merely to connect our visions. So you will see what I choose to see. This is to place my blood within you. It is my blood that allows me to send and receive visions. You will need to posses that for a short while. It will not be permanent, but it will be too much blood loss for me to continue to perform the rest of the ritual. I will cut my hand and for as long as I am able I will hold it over the bowl, but the potion has weakened me physically. My mind and powers were enhanced so I will be aware but unable to hold myself up. You will need to keep my hand over the bowl until the potion turns a deep purple. Then take this cloth and tie it over my hand. I soaked it in a potion that will stop the blood flow. Finally you will need to drink the potion and lay down. After that I am not entirely sure what exactly will happen, but I know we will both awake sometime later. I can only assume that our mental and physical states will be...strange."
She moved quickly sitting opposite him on the bed. She held the dagger to her hand and over the silver bowl. Snape brought his hand up to stop her. "Lay down" he said softly, "I will help you." Snape held the dagger and the bowl as she lowered herself on the bed on her back. She closed her eyes and held her hand out.
Severus placed the bowl under her hand and took up the dagger. He gently took hold of her hand and looked over to her again. One single tear dropped from her hardened face. He ran his thumb along her hand reassuringly and before he knew what he was doing he kissed her palm lovingly then swiftly drew the edge of the dagger along it watching the blood rapidly flowing into the bowl beneath it.
He was hypnotized by it, and disgusted with it all at once. He felt her hand go limp in his and fear racked through him. He pressed his fingers into her wrist reassured by the pulse that remained there. Below her hand the potion rapidly turned a deep purple and he grabbed the cloth pressing it to her wound.
True to her word the bleeding stopped. Severus took up the silver bowl and pressed it to his lips. "I'm coming Iris." He drank the vile mixture and lay beside her in the bed.
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******nerd-girl and my faithful reader Sinister Papaya Fondue thank you very very much for your reviews! You are great great great! Don't worry the mystery will end. The next few chapters will be dedicated entirely to Iris' past. I just had to string you along one more chapter bwahahahah!! Really any excuse to do an evil laugh! Anyway thank you for reading!