Authors' notes:
Jennifer: It's overdue, aagh, I'm sorry. All obstacles, from e-mail viruses to Jenn's unfinished Chinese homework, absolutely gobbled up our time. Gobble gobble gobble! And you do not want to hear how long the mess hall scenes took. Kindly splat Jenn with rotten tomatoes now. ^^
Chord: The mess hall scene haunts me. Calling all critics! Calling all critics! Amateur at work!!! please...?
Disclaimer: Once again, we own the original characters Shadow, Curse and Impasse.
~*~
It took only one glance to his left for Neo's heart to go plummeting down to slosh around in his stomach. Trinity wasn't in the Neb's core at all. Somehow it didn't feel right to wake up to a world that acknowledged her absence. It had become a fixture to Neo, a next to unchangeable reality that Trinity was at his side with each reawakening. Call it symbolic, but ever since the night of his rebirth as the One, Neo could hardly bring himself to accept the fact that she might not always be there to unplug him, even though she always was.
This one time, he hoped, would be the only exception.
He waited as someone else attended to the job, wincing as he felt the needle slide against the insides of his plug. He still hated that feeling more than anything else - it was cold, so cold.
Neo sat up slowly and cast a quick look at his surroundings. Tank had moved back to the monitors as soon as he had unplugged Neo and had set the needle back in its place. Neo noted with a grim sense of satisfaction that the other man was pointedly refusing to make eye contact, an apologetic look on his face.
"You want to tell me what that was about?" Neo asked quietly, his question directed in general to anyone who was present in the Core and not just at the nervous operator. It took him awhile to realize that nobody else was around.
"It was a joke, man. I'm damn sorry, Neo, honestly. I didn't know Curse was claustrophobic; I... I thought you'd probably make me pull you out almost instantly or something... and Trinity..."
"Well, now you know," Neo answered with a tired sigh. It wouldn't do any good to kick his friend when he was already down. "Where'd the kid disappear to anyway?"
"Took off after Trinity, but I doubt they went in the same direction," Tank paused there, hesitated for a fraction of a second, then continued, "Listen, Neo, you might want to go talk to Trinity-"
"Why?"
"The program, ah..." Tank fiddled with the red disk.
"What about it? It's harmless, isn't it?" Neo demanded.
"Well, uh, yeah." Tank dropped the disk and was suddenly in a terrible hurry to pick it up. "Er, listen, think I'll go look for Curse now, 'kay? It's your shift, isn't it?"
Neo nodded and watched Tank make for the ladder that led down from the Core's main deck, disappearing from sight in a matter of seconds.
~*~
Neo settled down on the operator's chair and took the earpiece, but before putting it on, he studied it. He ran his fingers down the length of the wire and fingered the attached mouthpiece, crumbling the thin layer of foam that covered the tiny mike between his fingers distractedly.
Only moments ago Trinity had used this same, intricate piece of equipment to talk to him, in a tone he had thought was disappointment. Now, though, he wasn't so sure. Something in her voice had sounded alien, different, and Neo was sure he'd never heard her speak to him or anyone else in that manner before. It was just a program! Get a grip on yourself, man, a stupid, harmless program…
Or was it?
Banishing that puzzlement from his mind, Neo tried to concentrate on the possible reasons that could have prompted Trinity into reacting the way she did. He stared flatly at the cascading curtains of green code that flashed about on the screen and recalled the more recent events that had preceded Curse's training. As symbols and numbers fell with each second and time passed normally and fairly uneventfully in the Matrix, Neo fought with logic. Unfortunately, that had never been his strong point and to make matters worse, he was trying to use it to figure Trinity out, which was a bad thing. After all, logic was based on predictability, and Trinity had to be the most unpredictable woman on the planet.
Fighting the frustration that had begun to creep up his throat like sour bile, he frowned slightly in concentration as the most logical explanation hit him. During dinner earlier that evening, he could tell that Trinity's mind was elsewhere. She hadn't attended to her food and every once in a while, she had thrown searching glances in Shadow's direction when she thought no one was paying attention to her. But paying attention to Trinity was exactly what Neo had been doing all throughout the meal, and every other waking moment, really, even when his duties as the One required his full attention. Even then, he always had one eye trained on her when they went into the Matrix, watching her closely, looking out for her, whether she wanted him to or not.
Maybe that was what had gone wrong. When he had done his best to nudge Trinity into touching her food, she could have felt that his watching her was too close for comfort and that he had been probing at her actions more than was necessary. It would be downright impossible to ever forget that Trinity could look after herself, but that had not stemmed the rapid flow of Neo's increasing concern when her hand had refused to go anywhere near her spork.
Finally reaching the limit of his restraints, Neo had subtly suggested that Trinity eat. She had squeezed his hand briefly after taking in the first bite, something he had interpreted as a reassuring gesture, but now he wasn't so sure of that either. He could have misread that action. Suddenly his world seemed to spin in the other direction. Perhaps instead of expressing gratitude, which was what Neo had thought, she could have been telling him to mind his own business and leave her to her own affairs.
That had to be it.
"She didn't want you treating her like she was nothing more than an unmanageable, undisciplined five year old,' thought Neo. 'Dammit, now you're not just being uxorious, you're lecturing her."
The other voice at the back of his head, the one that had prompted the concern in the first place, argued against his reasoning saying, 'Sometimes, people need looking after. She's strong, yes, but she's not immune and when certain stubborn traits of hers get in the way, it's as good as your job to make sure she doesn't starve herself to death, worrying like she does.'
"Dammit, you can't even look after yourself, Neo. You try slapping a bib on yourself and see how you like it," Neo retorted, unaware that this particular conversation was not just going on inside his own mind, with himself, but vocally as well. The exhaustion was kicking in, numbing his sense to the point that he found it hard to tell if the voice talking to him belonged to a completely different person.
'You didn't slap a bib on her, so stop trying to be logical because you are anything but. You don't use your head to figure things out -- she's the one who does that. You acted on instinct, what you felt was right. And it felt right, it always does, to look after the woman you love,' the voice bit back.
Irritation was at its peak level and before Neo could stop himself, he slammed his hand on the console and yelled, "If I acted on my gut instincts, judging from the way Trinity reacted to what I did, then we can all safely assume that my guts have shit for brains!"
"Neo…?" came a tentative whisper.
Neo jerked his head up from where it had already begun to droop and turned at the sound of the voice. Curse stood a few meters away, clutching the hem of her sweater, a nervously confused glint in her eyes. She watched him before she took a step closer and asked, "Are… are you okay? You… said something, and… and I think you… well, stopped after that."
Neo relaxed and a beckoned at the girl to come closer, "Yeah. Is it your turn?"
Curse nodded and closed the gap between them, sliding into the chair that Neo vacated for her. He stood behind her and took one last look at the monitors, as if the Matrix could clear his head.
"Morpheus told me to tell you to get some rest, and he figured I'd be the only one willing to take your place," Curse said when Neo didn't move, standing silently behind her.
"He knows?" Neo wondered aloud, choosing to stop short of voicing Curse's predicament. He hadn't seen Morpheus much that day.
Curse nodded again, but she didn't seem too worried about it, unlike she had been earlier, "he said it's all good." Catching the small smile on Neo's lips, she tensed and switched into defensive mode at once, demanding, "What?"
"He used those exact words? Morpheus said that 'it's all good'? Our Morpheus?" Neo asked. Curse grinned up at him and waved him off, dismissing his silly question as an effect of fatigue.
Neo said good night and headed for the cabin. When he got there, he stopped right in front of the door and hesitated, his hand on the wheel. Was Trinity still upset? Would she speak to him at all?
With one last determined sigh, he entered the cabin only to find it dark and empty. The bunk's blanket and pillow rested on the head, unmoved, showing no signs of use since Trinity had tidied them up this morning. Resigned and feeling almost unbearably sad, not to mention somewhat ashamed, Neo sank onto the cot and tugged at his heavy combat boots.
Of course she wouldn't be here. If she was upset enough to ignore him, she was upset enough to stay awake and stay away. And even when she wasn't upset it was sometimes hard to coax her into resting. Neo gingerly reclined on the narrow bunk, as if afraid it would break into two without Trinity's presence, and stared up at the ceiling, desperately wishing that his arms where wrapped around her slender form right now instead of laying uselessly at his sides.
He drifted off uneasily, battling to stay up and wait for her but losing all the same. His last coherent thought before his mind sank into a restless state of unconsciousness, was that he wouldn't be feeling Trinity's hand in his for at least a few hours, and even that was too long a wait for him.
~*~
The minute she heard the door close behind Neo, she turned the corner and approached their cabin, moving quietly so that her boots, heavy though they were, barely made a sound on the metal floor. She stood right in front of the door and stared at the wheel as a silent battle raged inside her.
If someone who knew her well enough had taken the time to scrutinize the details of her face very well right at that moment, they would have seen the barest traces of wistfulness peeking out from the corners of her ice-blue eyes, before a colder look clouded over and erased them completely.
~*~
Trinity had been waiting just around the corner next to Tank's door, hoping to catch him before he went to bed, but keeping out of sight all the same. She had a bone to pick with the operator about breaking the rules and regulations, regarding handling the Neb's equipment without authorization from either Morpheus or herself, and she didn't want him to see her and run off before she could reprimand him. It was against protocol and Tank knew it.
Then she had heard footsteps. At first, she had thought it was Tank, returning from the Core. His night shift had ended the minute he had pulled Curse out of the "training stimulation." According to what she remembered of the crew's rotations, Neo's shift was up next. Shadow, having been dismayed by the condition of the mess hall's thermostats, was trying to fix it and Morpheus was up in the cockpit, either talking to Zion or passing time as an extra look-out duty. Frankly, she didn't care what Curse was up to, and as long as everyone else was preoccupied at the moment, she could tell Tank off in peace.
Because she had been waiting for the moderately brisk steps that usually signalled Tank's arrival, it had surprised her to hear a slower, dragging set of footfalls instead. Recognizing it instantly as Neo's manner of walking when he tried not to make any noise, she had caught herself from stepping out to meet him just in time.
Trinity had preferred to remain unnoticed by him, as she listened to him draw closer to where she stood. Although she had told herself that she was merely staying away because she was upset, deep down she knew she was doing it for an entirely different reason. It was something she had gotten used to, after so many long nights of holding vigil before the Matrix monitors, studying Thomas Anderson and finding his every move strangely intriguing. Since those times, Trinity had formed a habit of watching him while he was unaware of her presence, and it was something she had grown to like doing, even more so because of what Neo had become to her.
Neo's progress from the ladder to their cabin door had been deliberately slow, as if he reaching the room was something he dreaded. However, when he had hesitated right outside their cabin door, it had occurred to her that retiring for the night was not what Neo had dreaded. Neo had obviously thought that she was already inside and resting and he hadn't wanted to face her, in the current mood she was in. She didn't know why, but when she heard what she understood to be a faint sigh of relief escape from his lips as he pulled the door open, she had felt something stir inside of her.
It had hurt.
Refusing to dwell on what she was feeling, Trinity withdrew her hand from its resting place on the door's wheel. Now that he was resting, she could seek out Tank in peace without having to worry about encountering Neo when it was obvious that neither one of them was ready to face the other.
Trinity decided to make for the mess hall, hoping that Shadow was done fiddling with the thermostats and that Tank was there. Besides, she could use a glass of water, to calm whatever was tugging at her insides.
She turned on her heel and traced Neo's path down the corridor and up the ladder. The mess hall was closer to the engine room than their sleeping quarters were and she hoped the noisy machines would help drown out the sound that was haunting her thoughts even now: the sound of Neo's sigh. She couldn't shake the disturbing thoughts from her mind, of how he didn't want her around him when in one of her mood swings… How he had seemed perfectly at ease to find their cabin empty of her person… How he had appeared to prefer a rendezvous in one of Mouse's program with their youngest crewmember to conversing with her over Tank's earpiece…
Face it, he's done with you. That's right. He's through with you.
She should've known, really, should've guessed. Thomas A. Anderson had never really been good at long-term relationships – two or three months had been the limit. Why should Neo be any different? In the past, Trinity'd pushed all doubt from her mind. It seemed… it seemed to her as if he'd really cared.
Shows how smart you are, doesn't it? Trinity the supposedly male hacker, Trinity, Morpheus' right hand man – smoothly ironic that this should be where you fail – with the other gender. What were you expecting from him anyway? God forbid, a family? Trinity swallowed. Yes.
He's the One. Zion girls are probably waiting in line. Hell, even a rookie who could hardly hold a wrench the right way could get his attention. He's bored with you.
No, another voice pleaded. You're the problem. You couldn't expect someone like him to actually be attracted to someone like you for long. You're just a soldier. He never really loved you. God, he used you as life support.
Trinity would never admit it, of course. It was childish. Irrational. Selfish. But at that very moment all she felt like doing was curling up in a corner and crying.
Mess hall, she told herself. Some downtime.
Morpheus' fightin' Neo!
It seemed like she was fighting Neo, now.
~*~
Trinity ran a list of what she planned to tell Tank when she found him, ignoring the way her last suspicion about Neo had sounded too much like she was jealous. She tried to convince herself that she was being ludicrous and focused instead on her duties as second-in-command to a naughty operator as she proceeded to empty her mind of thoughts on Neo for time being.
But Trinity wasn't perfect, and even less so when she was troubled. Had she bothered to pay closer attention to the way Neo's shoulders drooped, how his eyes were tired and searching, and how he had had closed them briefly as if his confusion pained him just as much as his sigh did her, she would have read the sigh differently, and she would have gotten it right.
There had been only sadness in the air he had breathed out and even as her feet carried her farther away from where he lay discontented and troubled, she had know way of knowing that relief was the still the farthest thing from his mind.
* ~ *
"Tank?" Shadow glanced up, one hand reaching out to massage her stiff neck.
"Have you seen him?" came Trinity's curt reply. It came out sounding much stricter than she'd wanted it. Shadow shook her head no.
"He's off his shift already. I thought he might've come back." Idly she waved a hand towards the counter, under which was the thermostat she'd just spent half the night repairing. "Fixed."
Trinity nodded. "Thanks. Good of you to stay up and finish it." She shrugged. "Guess I'll look for Tank tomorrow."
"Have you seen Neo?" The question popped out of the blue. Trinity shot the other woman an odd glance, but Shadow was busy tinkering with the thermostats again.
"Not tonight, not yet, no."
Shadow cocked her head to the side. "Sit. You're very pale."
"It's just cold. I'll be fine." Trinity hoped Shadow would take the hint that she was ready to leave, but it seemed like she didn't.
"Shah. You are not cold." Shadow suddenly reached out and gripped Trinity's wrist with surprising strength, steering her over to a bench. She sat down on her other side. "Now tell me, have you seen Neo?"
"Don't you take 'no' as an answer?" Trinity shot back.
"Don't you answer truthfully when someone asks an innocent question?" While her expression was firm, there was a kindly glint in Shadow's dark eyes.
"He's gone to his room already." Trinity sighed impatiently. "Look, I need to be alone – go get some sleep or something, you deserve it-"
"Alone? Why aren't you talking to him?"
Trinity snapped. She got up. "I don't need this." Shadow made no move to stop her as she made her way over to the door. "What is it to you, anyway?"
Shadow shrugged, nonchalantly. "Nothing."
Trinity spun and yanked open the door.
"But to him, more than you think."
But to him, more than you think. Those words rang in Trinity's mind. And then the door slammed shut.
* ~ *
Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream, Neo? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?
The place was identical to the Construct, but it felt different. There was some eeriness to the ambience, a strange quality floating around the endless stretch of white-washed emptiness. Something was different, and as Neo began to walk around aimlessly in what felt like a forced silence, the air began to thicken.
Pressure began to form around his face and his breathing became forced, requiring effort now. He struggled on, through the void, and with each shaky step, he felt pinpricks stab his insides again and again.
Something was not just different. Something was wrong.
His footsteps began to make muffled sounds as he increased his pace. He looked down to find himself clothed in full Matrix combat gear. The boots on his feet slammed against what was now hard-packed earth, dry and cracking as if the sun had just recently sucked the ground dry of moisture. The soil was gray.
Neo looked back up and to his surprise, the Construct had vanished. He slowed down and came to a halt and took in his surroundings. He looked to be standing in the middle of a vacant piece of land, as barren as the dessert, and nothing more than a collection of rocks and dust.
A harsh wind, more biting than cold, whipped at his coat. A glint similar to the bounce of sunlight on a mirror caught his eye, and he had to squint to see through the sand that rushed before his eyes, clouding his vision.
What he saw almost sent him to his knees, in fear.
It was Trinity. Even from a good ten feet away Neo could recognize her silhouette crouched and shivering in her solitude. Her arms were wrapped around her shoulders, and her head was tucked in towards her chest, in an attempt to shield her face from something he had yet to identify.
Dressed in what looked to be her ship clothes, it was obvious that the almost-rags were doing little to keep her warm. Neo ran towards her, the pounding of his heart more audible than the thump of his boots.
She was cold. Her shaky breathing was visible, swirling like a snowstorm against the twilight sky. A flurry of diamonds swept by on an icy gust, some catching in her hair before slowly melting away. It could have been the breath of angels from heaven, in its silver and misty appearance -- but it was much too cold, much too unforgiving. She was soon shivering so hard, almost enough to shatter her frame in its harshness. Her stance was quivering now; It seemed that the gale would simply blow her away.
Neo wanted to stretch out and reach her, before it was too late and the black night swallowed her altogether. He wanted to touch her and hold on, lest the black, ebony sky keep her imprisoned within its solid cube of darkness. He could see her, but he could not get to her, could not penetrate the barrier between them.
His fingers, warm but stiff, could feel the edges and walls, and he wanted nothing more than to be trapped inside --if he couldn't save Trinity, he would go down with her.
But he could not get to it, to the other side, that inky expanse of nothingness that bound her so tight inside a cage she was blind to. He willed nothing more than to burst into flames so that he might at least illuminate the terrible darkness that she had shut her eyes against, that she might see him and know he wouldn't leave her. Even for just awhile, his soul would be the new dawn. For her.
And his life? It was hers.
But still, he could not break open that cell. He banged on its walls, clawed at the sides, trying desperately to tear a hole but failing. The surface did not even scratch and when he pounded his fists against the glass-like solidity, it did not make a sound. Could he crack it like an eggshell? Could he bring Trinity back out, reborn into his warmth like the sun? A fresh start?
His thoughts threw an endless stream of questions at him, but with each inquisition, negation met the hope he threw against the wall. He could feel each question shatter into oblivion. Then frost traced letters across the black walls like chalk on a chalkboard: No, no, never, not, no.
No, no, never, not, no.
The frost clouded the walls, making them harder and harder to see through. Yet he could not bring himself to look away from the sight that now haunted him -- his Trinity, on her own, losing hope; breaking. She seemed smaller, less solid, with every burst of snow from her freezing lips.
He thought he could see tears forming in her eyes now. One spilled and froze, to form a miniscule icicle halfway down, and he released a cry.
He beat furiously on the walls, kicking at it with the toes of his heavy boots, but he might as well have been miming; for all the good it had done, but a tiny hole eased its way into its otherwise flawless surface. From it blew a bitter wind which wrenched his voice from his raw throat. He struggled amidst his own hoarse screams, in contrast to the motionless, silent figure that was Trinity.
Holes slowly formed --one large enough for him to slip his last finger in -- but the edges were sharper than glass and the skin on his palms split. Boiling blood streamed down his arms, all too quickly solidifying against the dark. Blood, black and nononevernotno.
His head felt light. He wondered if he too was cold now.
At last he forced himself through, screaming silently in absolute pain like his body was being cut in two. Trinity flickered like a candle flame in the wind, at times going altogether, just as invisible and insignificant as the vanishing snowflakes. She seemed so cold he feared for a moment, just a moment, that her quivering form would melt altogether if he touched her, dissolving with the words of impending doom scrawled nefariously on the walls of their prison.
That one second was all it took.
Trinity gasped a sharp breath suddenly, drawing up so much tension in her shoulders and upper body she seemed to shatter from the inside. Limply, she collapsed in on herself, with all the grace death leers with. In despair and sour, unquenchable fear, Neo forced his lifeless arms to move – to catch her, to protect her, to find her, to reach her, to her – but she was still. And the snowflakes continued their haphazard, lazy dance silently, or at least how deafeningly death's scythe slashes at its victims.
Neo's breath came raggedly, overcome with emotion. He sensed hot tears rolling down his cheeks, but it was too late now. None could escape, nononevernotno. And his voice was back now, gasping like nails on a blackboard, the only thing he could hear in that barren wasteland filled with pretty, enchanting white snow.
Neo suddenly got up, not knowing why. Trance-like, he moved towards the wall nearest to him. The snow seemed to magically clear a path before his feet could touch the ground. The wall had mysteriously mended, and now appeared to be but a thin sheet of clear ice. It looked familiar, somehow. A dim, hazy memory swept into Neo's mind. The wall was nearly glass, like a mirror – the mirror which he had mended with his very gaze the day he was unplugged. How long ago that had seemed.
The mirror had done strange things, he remembered. It had come alive, wrapping his skin in a silvery, ice-cold sheath, pulsing. That had been just before he'd entered the real world, his entire life's meaning. Was there another journey for him behind this impassive shield? Could there be another way?
He felt fear; biting, clawing fear, which shrieked against its restraints and rattled its bars, snarling. But his hand rose, unperturbed. He touched the wall. Solid. It was completely solid, and harder than steel. Déjà vu, he thought suddenly. It was cold, after all, so cold…
~*~
Never look back. It was some sort of jinx when you were fixing hardware, Shadow decided. The thermostat, which had been working perfectly fine just an instant ago, was simply berserk now. Shadow sighed. Jinx or no jinx, luck or no luck, it was no use leaving the thing broken.
~*~
Neo snapped awake. It was just a dream. He swore under his breath. Just a dream.
Dreams were usually affected b real life scenarios, though. It was cold, true; but not really any colder than the Nebuchadnezzar was usually. Neo felt his heart sink, not for the first time that night, as he noticed the other half of the bunk was quite clearly untouched and nothing in the room had been moved. Empty.
By now, Neo could feel an enormous lump like a knife in his throat. Trinity never was out this late, and judging by his dream, he'd been sleeping for a good few hours already.
Neo's tongue seemed to be sticking to the roof of his mouth. His throat was parched. Sighing, Neo crawled out of bed and heaved on his boots. He'd probably wake the whole ship up with his clumsiness; he'd certainly done it before, awakening Morpheus when he had tripped and fallen in the hall right in front of the captain's cabin, on the way to the bathroom one night. Mentally he shrugged that humiliating event off sheepishly and finished tying the laces on his boots. Only one person was on his mind, after all.
Trinity...
~*~
When wedged behind an object in a tight space, loud clomping noises are your worst nightmare. Shadow wasn't quite sure if it was just Curse's insecurities rubbing off her, but she definitely jumped slightly – hitting her head ("Sha! Fool machine!") – when the door of the mess hall ground open. Heavy, dragging footsteps. She almost laughed. It was definitely Neo. She'd always wondered how he could make so much noise with a pair of shoes, but yes, if there was something… unusual like that, it was done by Neo. Shadow expected Neo to tower over the counter any second and reveal that he knew she was there, but he didn't. Instead, he took out an ordinary tin mug from a drawer and filled it with water. He drained it in one gulp and filled another.
Neo's gaze flickered across the room. He was distracted, Shadow decided. Well, private affairs were sometimes best solved on one's own. And everyone needed a little privacy now and then. Shrugging her shoulders, she turned back to the pesky thermostat. It was getting to a point where she was ready to begin talking to it – "Hello, my name is Shadow, would you please work now?" She'd heard it had always worked with plants.
~*~
Trinity had chased Curse out of the core by turning the evil eye on her. It really hadn't been the most thoughtful of gestures. She'd definitely have to make up for it later. It was just that the sight of Curse was really getting under her skin. And that girl was peculiar. Whoever enjoyed watching Matrix code that much?
Jealous? You're not jealous.
Resting an elbow on the side of the keyboard, Trinity propped her head up with her hand. How long had it been? Not long. Not more than a few hours, anyway. Most everyone in the Matrix was peacefully asleep. Trinity wondered if Neo was too. Most likely, yes. Dreaming peacefully on his own, on their bunk... in their cabin... where she was supposed to be as well...
The code from the Matrix was giving her a headache. Trinity stood up and pushed the chair back in with slightly more force than really necessary. Well, if Curse loved the Matrix so much, she could go back into it.
~*~
"What're you doing here?" demanded Trinity, after she shut the door of the mess hall abruptly.
Neo set his mug down --it was his third and already half-empty-- on the counter, turning around immediately at the sound of her voice. He had had his back to the door so it was understandable that he seemed somewhat startled when he caught her eyes. "I thought you'd be here" was his only reply.
"What do I have to do with you sitting here, drowning yourself?"
Her eyes widened slightly for a split second and so did his; it was just one of those Kodac moments that made blatantly clear how strong the bond between them really was. Trinity had known, without a single sliver of doubt, that Neo had drunk more than one glass of water. Neo, for his part, had not questioned her knowing.
Instead, he watched her with an even stare to match her own. "Everything."
Trinity looked completely unsatisfied with the answer as she moved to take a seat at the table so he went on, "I just wanted to get a chance to talk to you, Trin..."
She blanched at the use of her nickname, which was reserved for him to use alone. As if it hurt to hear it. "What is it with everyone and talking, today?"
Neo quickly caught himself. "Trinity, I-"
Trinity really wasn't in the mood. She had just wanted a place to sleep, anyway. She could just leave the mess hall and take a couple of blankets down to the boiler room, where it was warm enough. "Look, just go back to bed, Neo."
There was a pause. Neither one moved to leave. "No."
Trinity's temper flared up that she had to ball her hands into fists and glare down at them to keep from retaliating in a less-than-calm manner. Reasonable or not, the authoritative side of her began to kick in. She was second-in-command on the Nebuchadnezzar and was not someone to play games with. Much as she refused to allow her post to mix with her personal feelings, she was definitely creeping towards her limit. "No?"
"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong," Neo insisted. His fingers were now at the mug's rim, and he took another small sip as if he needed something to occupy himself with. He would not look away, though.
"You know damn well nothing's wrong, so don't give me this crap."
Neo's shoulders sagged even more, as if a huge load that he was already struggling with had just increased in weight. He turned his back to her just as she glanced up at him and the minute he did, it was if someone had just flipped the light switch from on to off; Trinity missed his gaze and the sight of his face. Turn around. Turn around and let me look at you.
"I don't. I can't be honest for the both of us when you're obviously trying so hard to keep quiet about this. And I can't lie and say I know what's wrong, either. You're hard enough to read as it is... You'll have to tell me what's going on because… well... I'm at a loss here..."
"Stop saying that."
Was it just him, or had he detected a slight tremor in her tone?
"Do you want to talk at all?"
Trinity looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. She tilted head to one side and her eyes betrayed a glint that mocked why should I? in a wry and not at all humorous, unspoken quip. "There isn't anything to talk about, is there."
Neo left his mug in the sink and moved to sit across the table from her, trying hard to meet her eyes and let them tell her what his frail words could not. He hesitated a bit then faltered as he eased onto the bench.
"What do you think?"
Trinity let their gazes lock for a brief moment. "Would it matter to you?"
We're gonna kill him. Do you understand that that?
Morpheus believes he is the One.
Do you?
It doesn't matter what I believe.
Neo was silent. Trinity could feel his gaze burning into her and although she didn't let her surprise show, she had certainly not expected to see him like this. Like he was broken and beyond repair. Then he stood up abruptly and began pacing the room slowly. She followed his progress, impassive and expressionless as she watched him. When he next spoke, his voice was definitely raspier now, forced even. Like he had to fight to force the words out.
"These are all questions with no one answering them...Shit, I don't think we're getting anywhere. I don't understand all this, Trinity..." He stopped walking but didn't look at her again. "All I'm sure of is that you don't want to talk to me about something I did wrong." Neo finally glanced at her, sincerity written all across his face. For a brief, jerking moment, Trinity thought she could see tears glistening in his eyes.
But just as quickly he looked away again.
"It's hell that you'd even ever consider the possibility that what you're thinking about in all this doesn't matter to me." Neo turned to the door, then with a tone that was uncharacteristically timid, even for him, "Just so you know… it matters. Everything about you matters." Throwing her one last look, he moved around the table and made for the door.
He's leaving now. It hit her like a bolt from the blue.
"Neo?" Trinity said, quietly. Neo didn't turn around but his fingers tightened around the door handle. "Neo - Neo, wait. This afternoon, in that program..."
Neo turned slowly to face her. In that split second she'd spoken, she'd silently made her way over to where he was and was now standing very close to him. He swallowed audibly and hoped she wouldn't notice.
If she did, she didn't show it. "What happened in there?"
"I thought you saw-"
"I did. But I want your side of the story."
Neo frowned and that expression was disconcerting. He didn't frown often and Trinity found herself thinking that once was already one time too many. "Tank pulled a joke on Curse, loading us into a weird room instead of the smaller jump program I'd asked for."
Hastily he added, "Curse is afraid of heights. I wasn't going easy on her-"
He was interrupted. Nonchalantly: "Was the disk red?"
Neo smiled sadly and Trinity felt herself loosen up a bit, against her will. "I wouldn't know. I was in the program, remember?"
"Never mind then. Go on." Trinity took a half a step closer, but retained the grim set of her mouth in a firm, thin line.
"That's about it. Tank's freaky sense of humor backfired because of Curse's fear of tight spaces. Before I could get her out though... well… you know this part." Neo looked down at his shoes, startled to find Trinity's almost touching his; that was how close they were. He could feel the warmth radiating off her body now. He'd forgotten how it felt to be warm.
"That was one of Mouse's programs," Trinity breathed. At this statement, his eyes shot up, surprised, and for awhile, everything else save the stinging ache of loneliness, was pushed aside to take in this new piece of curious information.
"Mouse?" Where could he come in in all of this?
"It was on a red disk, in that case ... all his red disks held – well, you know, red…"
Realization dawned on Neo and he whispered, frightened by the sudden revelation, "The woman in red programs! That would explain the room, and the interior designing, not to mention..." he caught her watching him and he shut up, although he was sure she knew what was on his mind and at the top of his tongue anyway. Not to mention you and how you reacted.
Neither spoke after Neo lapsed into silence, but there had been a change. Somehow, the atmosphere was a comfortable absence of words where mistakes were acknowledged and forgiven without the need for verbal communication. It was relief, more than anything, that sprung from a misunderstanding resolved.
Neo could hear the nearby hum of engines and the bothersome drip of the leaking sink, all those sounds made more intense by the gaze Trinity had fixed upon him; a gaze he came to recognize as one of her uncertain looks.
He had seen this look in her pale blue eyes only once before. It had been in the tv repair shop so long ago, and Switch had just fallen. They were now as alone as two unplugged people could possibly be in the Matrix, and matters had taken a turn for the worse for a traitor was running rampant in the real word, ready to murder, willing to kill.
He had not heard what Cypher had said to her through the phone, but whatever it was had made Trinity look up at him, in a way similar to how she was watching him now. Less scared. More uncertain. Her confidence all but shattered, her composure almost breaking...
Look into his eyes. His big pretty eyes, and tell me. Yes or no.
Neo was looking down at her now, watching her just as he had a long time ago when he was still as far from the One as he could possibly be; he had studied her as she had tried to negotiate with Cypher and when the treacherous bastard had told her to look at him, she had. She had seen the trust, mingled with concern, confusion and fear, and she had fallen in love with that look. She had fallen in love with him. No more hesitation, the slate of doubt wiped clean with one word shining in all its clarity.
Yes.
Neo had not deserved the ordeal he'd gone through that day, nor did he deserve this ordeal she'd just thrown at him because of her own insecurities, because of her own fears, because of her one weakness: the fear of losing her faith in him. Of losing him, who was everything to her when reality itself was nothing.
The revelation that it was her fault was bitter, just as it was soothing to know that she no longer had a reason to keep her distance. Nothing held her back now, and Trinity could barely keep still as the clash of emotions welled up inside her , threatening to burst through at any moment should she remain stationery and unmoving.
Make it up to him, Trinity. He didn't deserve any of that. Oh God, he didn't deserve…
Trinity reached out slowly, hesitantly, and touched Neo's wrist, trailing her fingers down to his warm palm slowly. She interlaced their fingers and the shock of contact combined with her exhaustion, caused her gaze to falter. Without warning, Neo slipped his other hand under her chin and raised her head slowly to look at him.
"Hey," he whispered, voice flowing like water in a fountain, and not at all as choked as before.
"What?" Trinity marveled at how his tone was so low, so soft... ready to forgive unconditionally.
"That was our first... misunderstanding." The trace of sadness was still there and she wanted to take it away. He doesn't deserve sadness... he doesn't deserve...
"It won't be our last," she told him. Truth was absolute.
"I know." Neo pulled his hand away from her chin but did not look away. "But we fixed this... we'll fix all the others too. It won't be easy, but...." Neo smiled down at her for the first time that evening, "we'll manage."
She nodded and watched him, willing her eyes to reveal what was going on inside her right now, the rush of everything she felt for him and all the emotions linked with it that she needed to express but didn't know how. Trinity, ashamed of her earlier display of chin-deep immaturity, couldn't take the initiative of advancing her desires: to be closer, closer to Neo. The most she could do was stand, stand there and look at him, pleading silently for deliverance from her uncertainty. Neo took one look at the need in her eyes and without another word leaned down and captured her lips with his in a tender kiss.
At first, desperation drove Trinity into demanding more from the kiss than she intended to as her eyes fluttered shut. Neo realized, with a fresh bout of fear chilling his heart, that this was headed in a direction far too similar to the conditions he had experienced in his dream; cold, rough carelessness and wave after wave of harsh, empty darkness. Those were the exact same entities that had driven Trinity to breaking and Neo would not permit that.
Not now. Not ever. Show her, then, show her something else, something other than this. Not now. Not ever. Show her, then, show her something else, something other than this. Show her.
He squeezed the hand that still held on to his tightly, to reassure her of his intentions before he deliberately slowed his pace. Neo pulled away from the kiss just enough so that he could begin a soft expedition down her neck, paving the way with feathery-light caresses with his lips, taking care to be as loving and as tender as he knew to be. With his face buried in her neck, he ran his lips up and down the smooth, paleness of her skin, pausing now and then to nuzzle the side of his face against hers before returning to the more passionate affairs of their joint activity.
He smiled into her neck when she finally released an impatient, barely audible murmur of protest at his overdue stay away from her lips; he brought his line of kisses back up her neck, took a quick detour to nibble teasingly at her earlobe, before giving in her to her request of returning to her mouth for another kiss.
This time, Trinity's response matched his own, searching for his return patiently every time he pulled away, as if reminding her that breathing was vital. Soon, she urged him to part their clasped hands so that he could wrap both arms around her waist and pull her body closer to him as he coaxed her into deepening the kiss, something she complied to readily.
It was a mark of how wrong staying away from one another was to them, even if it was only for a few hours; Trinity, usually specific about the privacy terms of their relationship, didn't seem as if she cared if anyone else walked in on them – instead of pushing Neo away quickly she would calmly allow him to finish, sometimes ignoring any intruders' presence altogether, and they knew well enough to turn away and walk out quietly. Neo, after sleeping through a nightmare alone, restless and cold, could hardly get enough of her taste, her scent, the very sensation that was her.
Trinity's hands went up to run fingers through his short hair, and she pressed into him willingly when he tightened his hold on her waist, sighing into his mouth as the warmth from both their bodies enveloped them in a sweet sense of relief and release, so intense that it was enough to counter the freezing night chill that had seeped its way into the mess hall.
When exactly the ships' light and heat had gone off, neither was aware, for both were too caught up with their passionate embrace of renewed intimacy. The cold was ignored and the deafening silence was filled with satisfied murmurs that mingled with whispers of wanting, all melting into a sighing melody that sang of contentment and serenity.
~*~
After what could have been eternity spent with wandering hands and seeking mouths, it was Trinity who finally put a halt to things. Eyes closed, head thrown back, a smile of pleasure gracing her flushed face, she let Neo finish the business he had begun with the lower part of her neck. She gave him a few more minutes and waited out his persistent tugging at the edge of her sweater, as he tried to gain better access to her.
"Neo," she murmured to him as she reluctantly opened her eyes to the darkness that had not been there earlier.
"Mhhm...you say sum'in, Trin...?" he asked as his pursuit distracted him; his attention was elsewhere, directed at some other part of her that needed tending to.
"Neo," she repeated, as she placed two hands on his chest and pushed him away gently but firmly.
"Something wrong?" he asked as looked her over. A strand of hair had fallen into Trinity's face and although she, in her attempts to get through to Neo, had not noticed, it didn't escape Neo's attention. He reached out and brushed it away, tucking it safely behind her ear before that same hand came back to stroke her cheekbone.
"Nothing's wrong. It's just really late. We should go to bed," she explained and when his eyes widened in disbelief, she shook her head and rephrased it to, "we need sleep. Aren't you tired?"
Grinning sheepishly, Neo nodded and admitted, "yeah. Yeah, guess I am. Just didn't notice it sooner."
Trinity smiled up at him in the darkness and sensing the rare upward tilt to her lips, Neo brought two fingers down to trace their outline fondly. "Come on, our cabin's waiting."
"You're coming this time?" Neo asked, his voice full of hope.
"Yes."
"Good."
A shuffle of footsteps ensued, accompanied by a few less audible signs of last minute additions, and in the pitch black room that was the mess hall at night, a door was heard to open. Right before it closed, however, three more words were spoken, left to float suspended in the air, as if to ward off the complete void as the lovers left in each other's arms.
"...I love you..."
* ~ *
Smiling softly to herself, Shadow extricated herself from behind the counter. From where she'd been stiffening her neck, she couldn't see a thing, and she'd blotted all sound from her mind – didn't know what they'd been doing and intended to keep it that way. Love, she thought blissfully as she stretched herself, hoping the crick in her neck would go away. Longsuffering, gentle and kind. All-fulfilling.
* ~ *
It had been a peculiar night for Curse, on the other hand. Morpheus had shown up unexpectedly, in an effort to give his crewmember some rest from her duties, being oblivious to her motives. And before that, she had been driven out by Trinity. Curse gulped. Trinity was nice enough, and well-loved on the ship, but quite frankly, Curse was absolutely terrified of her. She suspected it had something to do with also being in complete awe of Trinity. Seeing Trinity just jump from building to building or take down whole SWAT teams... it was incredible. Unbelievable, even.
Probably what still most impressed Curse was how Trinity had hacked the IRS d-base in Kansas, all those years ago. Trinity must have known that Curse had spent her entire life in Kansas too. Curse had only been about nine years old, and was just learning how to type at the time, and she'd heard about a bad hacker who'd cracked what was - is - considered top security. As a matter of fact,
the mysterious Trinity had sort of been Curse's childhood hero, and, well, Curse had never really grown up completely. Trinity had escaped and had never quite been seen again, and Curse had more or less grown up pursuing the trail he'd left behind, which of course had led her to the Matrix. To actually meet her hero - well, heroine, she knew now - and live on the same ship with her was… well. For goodness' sake, it was a dream come true. And it was also practically scattering what confidence she had, not that she had enough to spare anyway.
Curse was feeling especially useless, and downright stupid, really, after being forced out of her favourite stakeout twice in one day. It didn't help that she had no where else to go. And the ship's corridors were making her nervous. Also, she knew that her last alternative - the mess hall - was being occupied by Shadow, who was fiddling with something. She'd considered going in, but the mantra of "Shah! Fool contraption, I shall hit you now!" echoing down the corridor, followed by long strings of something that sounded like Russian and various metallic noises, was enough to change her mind. It was a pity she hadn't been close enough to hear Shadow's low laughter as an amusing one-woman conversation with a lifeless object followed her earlier, more aggressive attempts at repairing stubborn thermostats.
Instead, Curse had no choice now but to return dolefully to the core, pacing aimlessly around or peering at the Matrix over Morpheus' shoulder. For at least two hours, Morpheus had ignored the fact that she should be sleeping (that was why he'd relieved her in the first place) and tried to turn the occasion into a learning experience, doing his best to teach her to read and recognize certain useful or common codes, but at the end of it when he just couldn't bear it any longer he'd sent her off to bed. Captain's orders, and no one could argue with those. In desperation Curse had asked if he had needed any messages delivered - the corridors were better than her bunk, at any rate. At last he'd said, "Tell Neo that he will be going into the Matrix tomorrow if he is awake, and then go straight to bed." It was a bit silly, the captain thought, since Neo needed restraining from the Matrix rather than announcements that he was going in; on more than one occasion, it took the second-in-command's strong feminine voice to get him to the exit for nothing else could persuade him into leaving if he was on one trail or another. Unfortunately, it was all he could come up with up on such short notice. Secretly he hoped that Neo was already sleeping and that Curse would just drop the matter and head for bed. If Neo was awake... well, he'd make it up to him, Morpheus thought, hiding a smile from the ever-enthusiastic Curse.
Curse meandered along the corridor, moving at an irregular pace. Walking quickly would end her errand, which she had no intention of doing. and walking slowly made the walls loom ever nearer, bending inwards, it seemed. She was terrified of both scenarios. In fact, she purposely missed Neo's door a few times, just to prolong her time. Finally she went up to the door and knocked lightly, trying not to look closely at the walls.
Curse could hear Neo getting out of bed and moving to the door, which made her feel a little guilty. Perhaps she shouldn't have bothered. At least he wasn't asleep yet.
The door groaned open slowly. Curse took a deep breath.
"Sorry to disturb you, Neo, but Morpheus says-" Curse nearly jumped in the air in that point. Sleepy ice-blue eyes were blinking back at her.
"Yes?"
" Tri...miss--ma'am, I mean.. Trinity," Curse stammered. "Oh, oh gosh, I'm sorry, I was looking for - for Neo, you know Neo, right? I mean, of course you do..." Trinity raised an eyebrow at her. "I must have the wrong room... gosh, I'm sorry, I'll-"
"You have the right room. Neo's inside," Trinity said pointedly. Her gaze never wavered and Curse felt herself shrink. It was almost as bad as walls. "Sleeping."
Curse genuinely panicked. Panicked. This was not a situation she was particularly prepared for. Trinity and Neo? She could feel her jaw unhinge and her eyes widen to the size of saucers, and she had no control over them whatsoever. "Oh, cripes, I'm sorry," she blurted out, taking a step back. Trinity eyed her coolly. "I'll... I'll just be going now, sorry..."
Curse could've sworn that Trinity's more responsive alter ego was giving her a very evil grin. "Sleep well," she replied, starting to close the door.
"You too!" Curse wished more than anything that she could just tape her own mouth shut at that moment. "Sleep well, tell Neo to sleep... I mean, wait, he's already asleep... cripes. Uh, sleep well anyway, with Neo- aack! I mean-" Curse's face was swallowed in such a fiery blush that her freckles disappeared entirely. "I mean, I didn't mean-" Trinity fixed her eyes on Curse for a full twenty seconds or so, warily. Curse felt as if she was being dissected alive. Her shirt was clinging to her sweaty skin already. Curse felt her insides squirm when Trinity opened her mouth; she recoiled and braced herself for a reprimand:
Was that a smile? Had second-in-command Trinity actually smiled at her? Maybe not a smile, more of a ghost of a smirk. Nonetheless it was a very important moment for Curse.
Curse stood gaping at the door, startled straight out of her laced combat boots, but the ranking officer had already shut the door. She was glad that she'd shut her mouth by then, because her heart threatened to leap out of it when the door swung open again. Cripes, it was Neo this time, and he looked as if he was sleepwalking. Blearily he squinted at the space above Curse's head, obviously expecting someone a little more at his eye level. "Trinity told me you had a message for me?" he mumbled around a yawn.
This time Curse thought her knees would give way right there and then. "M-Morphus.. Morpheus says you're going to the store tomorrow. I mean, the core. I mean, the matrix. You're going in to the matrix tomorrow." Curse started. "I mean today! You're going into the matrix today... later, today, that is. You're going later into the Matrix today… later.... in the day… of this day… later," she finished at last, utterly humiliated. She craned her neck upwards to find Neo staring very kindly down at her.
"Get some sleep, kid" was all he said before he quietly closed the door again. She could hear him bumping his way back to his bunk and muffled laughter, probably his.
And with that, Curse ran all the way to her room (and out of her newfound habit, she missed that too). Without a word she sped under her worn sheets and fell asleep almost as soon as her head touched the pillow.
For a long time, Curse would still be protective over the night shift, taking it without fail, every night. But that night was her first step to overcoming her claustrophobia.