I was very sick, sometime I dreams and sometime memories flash back while I slept. I remembered this scene, the night before my leave Kyoto. My father stood up at the table and started to throws a cup of tea on the floor angrily,
"Listen to me Hi. Stay away from that no good stuck up Fujiwara no Sai." Clenching his teeth when he mention Sai name.
Shaking my head and said quietly "Sorry father, I promise you anything but that. Why don't you talk to him? You'll see that he is not bad and will come to love him as I does."
"What did you said? Love? Hi…my son loves that brat." He voice scream louder at each words. I see that face and that temper again, the one when he whipped the servant years ago. I realize that my father is a twisted person and he masked his off now.
"I'm sorry father but Sai is my friend. I love him and nothing you said would change. I hope that when I return home you will reconsider my feeling and befriend with him. I love you both but I can't loose him." I said quickly and left the room to joined my team.
~~~~~~ (Present)
I wake up early in the morning and left the room the first time for many days. I wander off the southern garden where I used to hang out with my old friends. It was quiet and not many would come here especially the Ladies.
"Tsuyujima-san" a familiar voice called, I turned around and recognize Suzuki-san
"Goodmorning Suzuki-san" I smile at the old friend, he had continued to studied and become a scholar like his father wishes.
"Congratulation, the Emperor named you as a honor Hero." I gave a laughed and said,
"And humiliate myself when I collapse right off after presented to the Emperor."
"You've not change Tsuyujima-san." We walk for a while when I asked,
"Sai! Why did he banish from the capital?" Tremble with fear and I a wait for the answer; Suzuki looks at me to show he was uneasy on how to tell me the news.
"He caught cheating by your father." I stop that not the news I expected to hear.
"Cheat, Cheat! Impossible" it most laughable thing to said, if anyone knew Sai would never said the such a thing.
Suzuki saw the looks on my face and nodded.
"Sorry Tsuyujima, I don't believe it either but some is quickly jump to believe awful things about a person" he paused "And your father word is against Sai." He started walking off but I could not let go. I must know the whole story before judge and I hate to lose one of them, my father or Sai.
After listen to the story, I shook my head. No one else seen the board and Sai lost the game so he is the Cheater. Somehow deep inside I knew who is right and who is wrong just as the sun is rise from the east and set in the east. Truth is hard to follow and who would admit that their father is guilty. The honor and shame is basically the society structured.
I knew I have lost Sai.
~~~~~~A Year Pass
I lie on my bed, drain away. I lost my appetite and rarely ate until it was forced on me. I lost the meaning to live. I could not face Sai so I did not search for him. What can I said? Sorry, it not enough. Honor only demand of blood spills and that I cannot do.
I wonder where he has he gone? He did not return to his clan, it would humiliate his family so Sai would went off and never return. I knew him well; he may be like a child and innocent but his pride…it was too strong to bend. Why do I think of him? I knew he hate me too, I am my father's son.
"Tsuyujima-sama," I looks blankly at the man, he just another servant.
"Leave me alone, I need my solitude." I coughed
"Your father is in his dead bed, he wish to speak to you." The man bows, pleading with me but all I did was laughed hysterically.
Finally I stopped and give up "I might as well go to see him. I still a respectable son even if he wrong me." I slowly get up with the man help me. My body is tired like a vegetable because I have not get off my bed for nearly a year now. It wastes away.
It was dark, the room is gloomy like it mourning it owner. Left alone with my father, I turned and looked at him. He is dying. He stills the father who loved me.
"Hi, is that you? You're better?" he grunted the words out painfully. He is really sick.
"I'm fine. No one told me you're sick father." I tried to ease his worried.
"Would you came if they told you?" he gives a smile, his eyes showing of suffering.
"I would." I lied but then may be not. I feel confused and tears flows out suddenly that I could not hold it back.
"I'm dying Hi. I wanted to be honest with you before I gone. Do not interrupt me Hi, I knew what I did was wrong especially I see the consequence what I had done effect my son."
"Hi, you knew about my past. Years of struggled to get where I am today being a poor student. The only thing between poverty and me is that god gives me a brain and talent for Go. I work so hard and done thing that I should not have. Those unspeakable things I done will not fit for your ears, the only that hold me saint is you Hi. My pride and joy."
His eyes close as if remember the past and continues on when he is back to reality. "Sai, I hate him. Do you know why? Of course you don't…. you're a likeness to him Hi. Through your eyes I always on the pedestal, a father that you proud off but his eyes I see my soul and that I cannot bear."
"As you known he becomes the Emperor's Go instructor. He takes away part of my role and honor that have been mine for many years. He was my rival but he did not even acknowledge me."
I shook my head tried to say that Sai just love Go and honor of being an instructor is nothing to him.
"I don't mind the rivalry but when he took you away. No don't say anything Hi. Your friendship had been a long time, this is the true isn't it? I don't even know when you two first met but I know it long enough for you to began to compare us. You came to see that I'm not so perfect as you belief. "
I was astounded but it is true, unconsciously I had done that. I did not see my father to adult eyes but through Sai eyes. Sai has become my model.
I lower my head in anguished.
There was a long silence but his voice echoed the room once more,
"What I did was unforgivable. When you left Kyoto, my heart is fill with grief for I have lost my son. I decided that he had to pay, he took everything that are values to me. I came and challenge him to an official match, and the Emperor is our judge." He pause as if he don't wanted to continue,
"If you don't want to father I understand."
"No, I must tell you all before I died. We played an evenly match but it is a battle I needs to win. I need to revenge what he did to me. I disgrace myself and slip a stone onto my plate. I looked up and found that he has seen what I did. I quickly accused him before he had the change to said anything."
As this point I wanted to stand up and leave. Either that or beaten my father up which is not an option. His hand reaches mine,
"Forgive me Hi. I've suffered watching you wasted away. I destroyed the person I loves most, this is my punishment from God." He breathe started to get heavier,
I wanted to shake his hand off; my tears ever flowing that blind my eyes.
"Hi, please before I died said you forgive me even if you not able to love me anymore." My father cried out loud, begging to be release from earthy bond.
I had always been a dutiful son but this is too much. I stared at him trying to focus he face.
He did not look like my beloved father but a stranger laying there dying. I'm not cruel enough to watch him died like that. I said hoarsely that like stranger voice,
"I forgive you. May you rest in peace."
"Thank you Hi! The last time I saw him leaves the capital I spoke to him." I turned around to face him as my hand clasped his sleeves
"What did you say?"
"I told him not to bother to find you. You'll not believe him but me. Who would believe a friend rather their own flesh and blood?"
I nearly strangle him at that moment, is there no end to his malice.
"Go and find him Hi. Please asked him to forgive me and told him I really regret…"
His eyes close and I knew that he gone leaving me hell again. I punch the wall until my hand bleeds and too weak to moved.
"You're a selfish old man father. You may be free but I'm not. I may forgive you but who forgive me." I crouched up and weep.
~~~~~~ Five years later
Have it been five years ago that I left Kyoto? I leave my position, wealth behind to search for you Sai. Where are you? Each night I get lonelier and the burden of guilt are heavier. Now I cannot move further, my search for you is over. I am dying.
I close my eyes ready to die. I had never picture myself dying alone in the middle of forest before. I do not care anymore but seeing you. My hand clutched the grass trying to hold on but I have reached my limit.
Laying here I knew I have lying to myself. You had died a long time ago after being banished from the capital. You have too much pride; your love for Go and the humiliation is far too much for you to live. If I have been there then I can lend you my strength to go on but I off somewhere else.
I keep hoping that you able to surpass and going on living somewhere so we can unit again. I am ashamed of myself. My dying wish is to find you again. No, I'll not give up. I'll find you. Even if it is takes me through eternity.
(That was Hi last thought before slipping away into darkness.)
~~~~~
"He has been punished enough" a voice said,
"He should not have interfered with Fate." Another voice chuckle,
"What about Sai? Let help them. We have all been friends so long for me to sit by and watched this tragedy enfold." The voice cried watching Hi going through many lives suffering.
"You'll not help them at all. It will only make their fates more complicate. Leave it to Father in Heaven hand."
" If you don't than I'll." Snapped at her companion.
~~~~~
The wind suddenly changes the current course leaving waves to change direction, heading toward Hiroshima Island instead outward to sea. The wave carried with it an old goban. Drifting ever closer to it destiny.
TBC.
P.S What you think? It is easy to guess what happen next huh!