Disclaimer: I didn't invent the characters, but I'm trying to invent a better life for them - or at least one that makes more sense.
Comment: As always (let's hope this doesn't turn into a habit) my sincere apologies for being so late. I have a family and my muse had a cold, but I know that's no good excuse.
A big BIG thank you for all the reviewers and all those who took the time to e-mail me with their encouragement, comments, thoughts - and extra special thanks to Maja (again!) and to Molly. Hey, it seems all it took was that final, gentle push and... here it is, the new chapter! :)
Review: Where would I be without it... I mean it, and I hope those of you who already have done it are noticing that I'm taking all that good advice very seriously, so keep it coming! :)
Chapter 5: Beginnings and endings
"You are not listening."
It was not a question. It was not a reproach. But it was not a simple affirmation, either. There was a mixture of helplessness and surprise in Seven's voice since they where back that had the power to completely disarm Chakotay. Besides, he had never lied to her. He was not about to start now.
"No. I'm sorry, Seven. What were you saying?"
"I was asked today if I would be interested in joining Starfleet's scientific investigation division. But we can discuss that later. You are preoccupied. Do you wish to talk about it?"
"The science division? That's great! See, I told you they would come around to it eventually. What did you tell them?"
It was a pathetic attempt, and it didn't work. Not with Seven. After all, she was the smartest person he'd ever met. Or *anyone* had ever met, for that matter.
"You are trying to avert my attention." She hesitated. She had been hesitating a lot these last two weeks. "However, if you don't want to talk..."
Chakotay sighed.
"No, I don't *want* to... but we have to."
Seven pushed back her chair, collected the empty dishes from the table and crossed the room to the kitchenette.
"Maybe it would be better if you talked to someone else."
He stiffened. "What do you mean?"
As she walked back, Seven delicately placed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She didn't just 'tuck' it in, she put it there with a very determined, precise and (of course) efficient movement that had become an unconscious habit since she wore her hair loose at Chakotay's suggestion. He couldn't help but marvel at her elegance. If you didn't know her, you'd think she was the very model of poise and self-possession.
But he knew her. As well as anyone could know Seven. Her delicate fingers hovered in the air for a moment before she picked up the glasses.
"If your preoccupation is... of an emotional kind, perhaps it would be wiser to discuss it with someone who has more - resources and more experience in that field."
All of a sudden, Chakotay was so overwhelmed by a wave of fierce tenderness for her that he almost choked. He wanted to take her in his arms, hold her and tell her not to worry, promise that everything would be all right. What kept him from doing it was the terrible certainty that she would believe him.
"I don't want to talk to *someone*, Seven. It's you I want to talk to. And I think you have quite enough resources. Enough for me, anyway." He smiled, and she smiled back. A still somewhat unpractised smile, all the more charming for that...
"Come, sit with me." He took her hand and led her to the sofa. They sat down facing each other. The afternoon sun shone full on her face and made her squint. He reached over and pulled the curtain.
"These past few days I've had a lot of spare time, so I've been thinking... It's been a while, you know. Since I last thought things over, I mean. It's been busy lately..."
"I understand."
He smiled and touched her cheek briefly.
"I know you do. You understand everything. Do you know how amazing you are?"
Seven raised an eyebrow. "So I am told. Today Dr. Potter said I was a living wonder in nanotechnology, the most stunning piece of-"
"That's not what I mean, and you know it. It's just that you've been trying so hard to make this work... us, and I - I feel bad, Seven because I've let you down. I have let you do this alone, and I'm very sorry."
"We have both been... distracted."
"Yes, we have."
They were silent for a moment. Then they spoke simultaneously.
"But you have not let me alone."
"I haven't been honest with you."
Chakotay's words had a desperate urgency behind them. Seven let him speak.
"I've never lied to you. What I mean when I say I haven't been honest is that there are things I haven't told you... things you don't know about me." He took her hands, looked down for a moment, then up into her face again.
"Before I move on, before I decide what I want to do next, there are... matters I have to deal with. Unfinished business. When I left, I had been running away for a long time... I never thought I'd run quite so far... but I don't want to do that anymore. I have changed, I hope I have learned something too... I have been uncomfortable ever since we came back, and I'm sorry if you felt it was because of you. It was not, even I didn't know the reason, until I had the time to realise that, if this is a new beginning, some other things will have to end. One way or the other."
The last sentence he added as an afterthought, more for himself.
"Are you leaving?" This time, it *was* a question.
"Yes." He saw a shadow cross her face and added hurriedly: "Not for a long time. There are people, from the Maquis, that I want to meet. I have decided that I am not joining them again, but they are friends. The least I owe them is a proper goodbye."
"When I first came on Voyager, loyalty was a concept I could not understand. It is - inefficient, the risk factor it entails is unacceptable."
"But now it's different, isn't it?"
"Now I can... understand. If you are not going back to the Maquis, will you join Starfleet?"
"I don't know yet. I hope I can decide when - well, when everything else is off my mind."
She seemed so relieved that he hated himself for speaking again.
"I'm going to see the captain, too."
Whatever effect he expected these words would have on Seven - it didn't happen. She was getting up - another appointment with the ever so enchanting and admiring Dr. Potter.
"Of course. I am sure she will give you very good advice about your career." When she saw the dismay on his face, she sat down beside him again and put her hands on his. "And about those - other things, too. Whenever I was confused or afraid, the captain has always helped me so much. I know she will do the same for you."
Chakotay flinched at the glowing faith he saw in her eyes. What should he do? Tell her that it was not about his career that he wanted to see the captain? That he had decided that he had to try one last time to win her love, to make her accept his? If she did, he would have to leave Seven behind, or at least the relationship they were pursuing now. If she didn't - could he return to her as if nothing had happened? That would be low and cowardly, and unfair for everyone. No, if he went to see Kathryn, that would be his choice, come what may. And Seven had to know.
A few hours ago he had been sure that he could face anything, that anything would be better than this uncertainty, this slow dumb dejection that was eating him from inside... But now he could feel courage and resolution leaking out of him, and the doubt came alive again: could he take again, the pain, the frustration, the rejection? Was that what he wanted? Seven was real, she was *here*, she cared for him and he cared for her... wasn't that enough? Wasn't that a beginning?
The comm-console beeped. Chakotay jumped to his feet, hoping Seven hadn't seen the guilt and shame on his face.
"Yes, Chakotay here."
"Chakotay..."
"B'Elanna!" Chakotay's happy smile faded rapidly as he noticed her stricken expression. And there was something more, a terrible grief and a dark anger he had never seen before. God, something horrible must have happened...
"Miral... is she alright? B'Elanna..."
"Yes, she's fine. It's not Miral, it's... look, I shouldn't be talking to you, Tom made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone, but I just can't stand it anymore, I have to do something, and I can't go there... Tom wouldn't let me, and he's right, I'd probably just make it worse but... hell, you can do something, you *have* to do something..."
"B'Elanna, what? What is it? Do what? Go where?"
On the screen, B'Elanna took a deep breath.
"It's about the captain..."
Comment: As always (let's hope this doesn't turn into a habit) my sincere apologies for being so late. I have a family and my muse had a cold, but I know that's no good excuse.
A big BIG thank you for all the reviewers and all those who took the time to e-mail me with their encouragement, comments, thoughts - and extra special thanks to Maja (again!) and to Molly. Hey, it seems all it took was that final, gentle push and... here it is, the new chapter! :)
Review: Where would I be without it... I mean it, and I hope those of you who already have done it are noticing that I'm taking all that good advice very seriously, so keep it coming! :)
Chapter 5: Beginnings and endings
"You are not listening."
It was not a question. It was not a reproach. But it was not a simple affirmation, either. There was a mixture of helplessness and surprise in Seven's voice since they where back that had the power to completely disarm Chakotay. Besides, he had never lied to her. He was not about to start now.
"No. I'm sorry, Seven. What were you saying?"
"I was asked today if I would be interested in joining Starfleet's scientific investigation division. But we can discuss that later. You are preoccupied. Do you wish to talk about it?"
"The science division? That's great! See, I told you they would come around to it eventually. What did you tell them?"
It was a pathetic attempt, and it didn't work. Not with Seven. After all, she was the smartest person he'd ever met. Or *anyone* had ever met, for that matter.
"You are trying to avert my attention." She hesitated. She had been hesitating a lot these last two weeks. "However, if you don't want to talk..."
Chakotay sighed.
"No, I don't *want* to... but we have to."
Seven pushed back her chair, collected the empty dishes from the table and crossed the room to the kitchenette.
"Maybe it would be better if you talked to someone else."
He stiffened. "What do you mean?"
As she walked back, Seven delicately placed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She didn't just 'tuck' it in, she put it there with a very determined, precise and (of course) efficient movement that had become an unconscious habit since she wore her hair loose at Chakotay's suggestion. He couldn't help but marvel at her elegance. If you didn't know her, you'd think she was the very model of poise and self-possession.
But he knew her. As well as anyone could know Seven. Her delicate fingers hovered in the air for a moment before she picked up the glasses.
"If your preoccupation is... of an emotional kind, perhaps it would be wiser to discuss it with someone who has more - resources and more experience in that field."
All of a sudden, Chakotay was so overwhelmed by a wave of fierce tenderness for her that he almost choked. He wanted to take her in his arms, hold her and tell her not to worry, promise that everything would be all right. What kept him from doing it was the terrible certainty that she would believe him.
"I don't want to talk to *someone*, Seven. It's you I want to talk to. And I think you have quite enough resources. Enough for me, anyway." He smiled, and she smiled back. A still somewhat unpractised smile, all the more charming for that...
"Come, sit with me." He took her hand and led her to the sofa. They sat down facing each other. The afternoon sun shone full on her face and made her squint. He reached over and pulled the curtain.
"These past few days I've had a lot of spare time, so I've been thinking... It's been a while, you know. Since I last thought things over, I mean. It's been busy lately..."
"I understand."
He smiled and touched her cheek briefly.
"I know you do. You understand everything. Do you know how amazing you are?"
Seven raised an eyebrow. "So I am told. Today Dr. Potter said I was a living wonder in nanotechnology, the most stunning piece of-"
"That's not what I mean, and you know it. It's just that you've been trying so hard to make this work... us, and I - I feel bad, Seven because I've let you down. I have let you do this alone, and I'm very sorry."
"We have both been... distracted."
"Yes, we have."
They were silent for a moment. Then they spoke simultaneously.
"But you have not let me alone."
"I haven't been honest with you."
Chakotay's words had a desperate urgency behind them. Seven let him speak.
"I've never lied to you. What I mean when I say I haven't been honest is that there are things I haven't told you... things you don't know about me." He took her hands, looked down for a moment, then up into her face again.
"Before I move on, before I decide what I want to do next, there are... matters I have to deal with. Unfinished business. When I left, I had been running away for a long time... I never thought I'd run quite so far... but I don't want to do that anymore. I have changed, I hope I have learned something too... I have been uncomfortable ever since we came back, and I'm sorry if you felt it was because of you. It was not, even I didn't know the reason, until I had the time to realise that, if this is a new beginning, some other things will have to end. One way or the other."
The last sentence he added as an afterthought, more for himself.
"Are you leaving?" This time, it *was* a question.
"Yes." He saw a shadow cross her face and added hurriedly: "Not for a long time. There are people, from the Maquis, that I want to meet. I have decided that I am not joining them again, but they are friends. The least I owe them is a proper goodbye."
"When I first came on Voyager, loyalty was a concept I could not understand. It is - inefficient, the risk factor it entails is unacceptable."
"But now it's different, isn't it?"
"Now I can... understand. If you are not going back to the Maquis, will you join Starfleet?"
"I don't know yet. I hope I can decide when - well, when everything else is off my mind."
She seemed so relieved that he hated himself for speaking again.
"I'm going to see the captain, too."
Whatever effect he expected these words would have on Seven - it didn't happen. She was getting up - another appointment with the ever so enchanting and admiring Dr. Potter.
"Of course. I am sure she will give you very good advice about your career." When she saw the dismay on his face, she sat down beside him again and put her hands on his. "And about those - other things, too. Whenever I was confused or afraid, the captain has always helped me so much. I know she will do the same for you."
Chakotay flinched at the glowing faith he saw in her eyes. What should he do? Tell her that it was not about his career that he wanted to see the captain? That he had decided that he had to try one last time to win her love, to make her accept his? If she did, he would have to leave Seven behind, or at least the relationship they were pursuing now. If she didn't - could he return to her as if nothing had happened? That would be low and cowardly, and unfair for everyone. No, if he went to see Kathryn, that would be his choice, come what may. And Seven had to know.
A few hours ago he had been sure that he could face anything, that anything would be better than this uncertainty, this slow dumb dejection that was eating him from inside... But now he could feel courage and resolution leaking out of him, and the doubt came alive again: could he take again, the pain, the frustration, the rejection? Was that what he wanted? Seven was real, she was *here*, she cared for him and he cared for her... wasn't that enough? Wasn't that a beginning?
The comm-console beeped. Chakotay jumped to his feet, hoping Seven hadn't seen the guilt and shame on his face.
"Yes, Chakotay here."
"Chakotay..."
"B'Elanna!" Chakotay's happy smile faded rapidly as he noticed her stricken expression. And there was something more, a terrible grief and a dark anger he had never seen before. God, something horrible must have happened...
"Miral... is she alright? B'Elanna..."
"Yes, she's fine. It's not Miral, it's... look, I shouldn't be talking to you, Tom made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone, but I just can't stand it anymore, I have to do something, and I can't go there... Tom wouldn't let me, and he's right, I'd probably just make it worse but... hell, you can do something, you *have* to do something..."
"B'Elanna, what? What is it? Do what? Go where?"
On the screen, B'Elanna took a deep breath.
"It's about the captain..."