Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me. I'm just playing. Please don't sue.
Comment: Ok, this is a long one. So long, in fact, that I had to cut it in two parts. Kath and Chak finally take over and tell us all those things we've been dying to know :-) There's a good deal about B'Elanna in this one, too. I hope you enjoy it!
Review: For all those who have been trying to keep up with my shamefully erratic posting, a BIG, BIG thank you!!!! Your comments and encouragement have been invaluable to me. For those who are new to this story, what are you waiting for? Tell me what you think, write a review, email me, write me a letter (I'd love that, really, I'll give you my adress if someone actually wants to do that, I'll pay for it, too) - just show me you're there :-)
Chapter 10: Of silence and voices (part one)
"So, how did it go?"
B'Elanna had sent Tom out to take Miral for a walk. He had dutifully pretended to grumble and mutter about lovers who became dictators as soon as they were wives and about the cosmic injustice of it all - but he knew that she had been looking forward to this conversation with Chakotay, and she needed to be alone with him, at least for a while.
B'Elanna had taken the captain's attempted suicide very hard, her feelings of anger, grief, guilt and confusion had only subsided very slowly. For a long time, she couldn't stand to even hear her mentioned. When Tom went to visit her, taking Miral with him, she stayed at home, declaring she had problems of her own and was not ready to waste her time on the "mentally unstable".
This made Tom sad, but he knew she didn't mean to be cruel. B'Elanna had always had problems adapting to changes, in herself, in others, in her circumstances. And now she was not only back on earth, basically unemployed and walking a legal tightrope; not only was she a new, inexperienced, overreacting and slightly panicky mother - on top of all that she had to face the fact that someone close to her, one of the few people she permitted herself to love without restrictions, had been suffering terribly, right next to her, every day. And she hadn't noticed. She hadn't known.
She tried to conceal her distress from her husband. They never talked about it. They didn't need to. A couple of weeks ago, B'Elanna had left Miral at the day care center. She was tired out, she said, she needed to do something for herself, if only for a couple of hours. She wanted to go through the excerpts of all the engeneering magazines she had missed. No, Tom shouldn't worry, he should go to that meeting with the production people, she would be just fine. When he had come home, he had found her sitting on the sofa, next to the stack of PADDs, her hands folded in her lap. He could see that she hadn't touched even one of them. As he walked towards her, she looked up and said: "There's nothing in there I don't already know. Nothing I could use. Nothing." Then she stood up, went into the kitchen, opened the cupboard, took out a plate and smashed it against the floor. And then another. And another. She smashed all the plates and all the glasses, and two bottles, one soda-water, one ketchup. Then, gruesomely bespattered with the red stuff, she had looked at Tom with dry eyes. he went to her, laid his hands on her face and said gently: "It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. It will be all right. I promise." And then, finally, she cried.
When Tom saw the glow in B'Elanna's eyes when he said that Chakotay had mentioned something about paying them a visit as soon as he came back from seeing the captain, he knew that she was finally ready to talk. And he knew that she needed it to be Chakotay, just as Chakotay needed it to be her. It was not the husband she needed now, it was the comrade.
"So, how did it go?"
"Great. We had great weather, and the surroundings are really beautiful, so we did a lot of hiking, and we- "
"Don't do that, Chakotay! If you're going to give that kind of crap, you can just leave, ok?"
He chuckled. "All right, all right. I was just trying to lighten the mood."
"Do I look like I want my mood to be lightened up?"
"No."
"Good. So why don't we start this conversation again and pretend you are a normal person?"
"Fine with me."
"Ok. So - how did it go?"
****************************************************************************************************
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, come on, Kathryn, we're too old for this! You *know* what I mean. Just tell me!"
Kathryn sighed. Sisters. Why were they always claiming they knew what you were thinking better than yourself? Why were they always nagging, wanting to know absolutely every detail about your personal life - even when you *had* no personal life, *especially* when you had no personal life? Why, why did they have to be such a nuisance, and why were they always so damned - right??
"Phoebe... I really don't know what to say. Everyone keeps staring at me, making big, round eyes at me, as if I was about to make some big announcement... well, I have no announcement! What is it everyone expects from me?"
"It's not *everyone*, it's not on the news yet, Kath. It's just mum, the doc, and me, and we're not *staring* at you, we're just... mildly curious."
"*Mildly* curious?" There was righteous indignation in Kathryn's voice.
"Ok, ok. Very curious. *Extremely* curious. Are you going to tell me now? Pretty please?"
Kathryn had to laugh in spite of herself. She was sitting cross-legged on the bed, in her old room in her mother's house. She didn't like to call it "my house" anymore, she had been gone for too long, it wasn't right somehow. The pale light of the winter sun poured through the window. All of a sudden, she felt young and careless, twelve years old again, all the homework done and nothing to do but sit here and watch the sun set. How often had she sat like this with her sister, on a winter evening, talking about school, about their friends, neighbors, parents, and about all the wonderful things they wanted to do? - Not often enough, not nearly, Kathryn thought, and with the regret came all the years, and she felt the weight of them again.
Phoebe was still looking at her impatiently.
"It went - well enough."
"Oh - Kath!!!" With a cry of despair that was almost a scream, Phoebe flung herself face down on the bed, and began to pound on the mattress with her fists. Then she sat up and faced her sister silently. This was "the look", it was sort of a family feature, and it meant joking time was over.
"It felt good", she began hesitantly. "I didn't realize how much I missed him, how apart we had grown. It felt good to be that close to him - to someone again."
As the light grew dim, the two women's outline gradually lost all sharpness, until they were just shadows against shadows.
"I didn't realize... how detached I'd become, you know? I used to consider Voyager my home, and the crew, they were more than a crew, they were a family, *my* family. And at the same time, I couldn't be just a part of that family, I had to be more than that, I had to stand apart. I thought I understood what it meant to be a starship captain, my God, I had no idea... At first I didn't notice, I was busy getting used to the situation, and then I didn't notice because I had Chakotay, and then..."
Kathryn's voice trailed off. By now it was dark.
"And then what?"
And then I had too much of him. He was everywhere: I met him every morning on the bridge, we had lunch, we had dinner, and after dinner we sat together for hours... and even when we were not together, I knew he was on the ship, somewhere close, and he would come if I called him... I don't think I've ever been so scared in my whole life."
Phoebe nodded, although Kathryn wouldn't be able to see it.
"Then something happened... I- I'll tell you sometime... anyway, it was too much, I had to stop it. You understand that, don't you? Don't you?"
"Yes, I understand."
"It was ok for a while. At least I thought it was. We could still be friends, that was what mattered, and I thought I'd get over- everything else."
After a pause that seemed to stretch forever, Kathryn continued.
"It's hard to put into words, because it happened so slowly. It was not just Chakotay, it was everything, everything seemed to be... slipping away. There were times I didn't know what I was doing, or why. I was always grinding my teeth, and everyone seemed so far away, Tom and B'Elanna so in love, Tuvok so self-sufficient, Harry so young... I remember one day, I was feeling particularly bad, positively sick. My mind was still clear enough to see that I was going somewhere I didn't want to be, so I took the day off. I believed that all I had to do was face whatever was happening to me, call it by it's name, and then it would disappear. I sat in my quarters and tried to think about some nice music to help me focus. I knew there was one particular piece that I loved, something sad that always made me feel better, something with violins; but I couldn't remember the name of the piece, I couldn't remember who had composed it, I couldn't even remember how the melody went. I just couldn't. I couldn't remember."
Both women shivered and felt instinctively for each other's hands in the darkness. Neither called for lights, they just moved closer on the bed.
"But you did remember in the end?" whispered Phoebe, like a child who wants to twist the end of a scary tale she knows only too well.
"No. I just sat there, and after a while I stopped thinking about the music. I didn't think about anything. Then I got up, went on the bridge and told Chakotay that I would be on duty after all."
Comment: Ok, this is a long one. So long, in fact, that I had to cut it in two parts. Kath and Chak finally take over and tell us all those things we've been dying to know :-) There's a good deal about B'Elanna in this one, too. I hope you enjoy it!
Review: For all those who have been trying to keep up with my shamefully erratic posting, a BIG, BIG thank you!!!! Your comments and encouragement have been invaluable to me. For those who are new to this story, what are you waiting for? Tell me what you think, write a review, email me, write me a letter (I'd love that, really, I'll give you my adress if someone actually wants to do that, I'll pay for it, too) - just show me you're there :-)
Chapter 10: Of silence and voices (part one)
"So, how did it go?"
B'Elanna had sent Tom out to take Miral for a walk. He had dutifully pretended to grumble and mutter about lovers who became dictators as soon as they were wives and about the cosmic injustice of it all - but he knew that she had been looking forward to this conversation with Chakotay, and she needed to be alone with him, at least for a while.
B'Elanna had taken the captain's attempted suicide very hard, her feelings of anger, grief, guilt and confusion had only subsided very slowly. For a long time, she couldn't stand to even hear her mentioned. When Tom went to visit her, taking Miral with him, she stayed at home, declaring she had problems of her own and was not ready to waste her time on the "mentally unstable".
This made Tom sad, but he knew she didn't mean to be cruel. B'Elanna had always had problems adapting to changes, in herself, in others, in her circumstances. And now she was not only back on earth, basically unemployed and walking a legal tightrope; not only was she a new, inexperienced, overreacting and slightly panicky mother - on top of all that she had to face the fact that someone close to her, one of the few people she permitted herself to love without restrictions, had been suffering terribly, right next to her, every day. And she hadn't noticed. She hadn't known.
She tried to conceal her distress from her husband. They never talked about it. They didn't need to. A couple of weeks ago, B'Elanna had left Miral at the day care center. She was tired out, she said, she needed to do something for herself, if only for a couple of hours. She wanted to go through the excerpts of all the engeneering magazines she had missed. No, Tom shouldn't worry, he should go to that meeting with the production people, she would be just fine. When he had come home, he had found her sitting on the sofa, next to the stack of PADDs, her hands folded in her lap. He could see that she hadn't touched even one of them. As he walked towards her, she looked up and said: "There's nothing in there I don't already know. Nothing I could use. Nothing." Then she stood up, went into the kitchen, opened the cupboard, took out a plate and smashed it against the floor. And then another. And another. She smashed all the plates and all the glasses, and two bottles, one soda-water, one ketchup. Then, gruesomely bespattered with the red stuff, she had looked at Tom with dry eyes. he went to her, laid his hands on her face and said gently: "It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. It will be all right. I promise." And then, finally, she cried.
When Tom saw the glow in B'Elanna's eyes when he said that Chakotay had mentioned something about paying them a visit as soon as he came back from seeing the captain, he knew that she was finally ready to talk. And he knew that she needed it to be Chakotay, just as Chakotay needed it to be her. It was not the husband she needed now, it was the comrade.
"So, how did it go?"
"Great. We had great weather, and the surroundings are really beautiful, so we did a lot of hiking, and we- "
"Don't do that, Chakotay! If you're going to give that kind of crap, you can just leave, ok?"
He chuckled. "All right, all right. I was just trying to lighten the mood."
"Do I look like I want my mood to be lightened up?"
"No."
"Good. So why don't we start this conversation again and pretend you are a normal person?"
"Fine with me."
"Ok. So - how did it go?"
****************************************************************************************************
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, come on, Kathryn, we're too old for this! You *know* what I mean. Just tell me!"
Kathryn sighed. Sisters. Why were they always claiming they knew what you were thinking better than yourself? Why were they always nagging, wanting to know absolutely every detail about your personal life - even when you *had* no personal life, *especially* when you had no personal life? Why, why did they have to be such a nuisance, and why were they always so damned - right??
"Phoebe... I really don't know what to say. Everyone keeps staring at me, making big, round eyes at me, as if I was about to make some big announcement... well, I have no announcement! What is it everyone expects from me?"
"It's not *everyone*, it's not on the news yet, Kath. It's just mum, the doc, and me, and we're not *staring* at you, we're just... mildly curious."
"*Mildly* curious?" There was righteous indignation in Kathryn's voice.
"Ok, ok. Very curious. *Extremely* curious. Are you going to tell me now? Pretty please?"
Kathryn had to laugh in spite of herself. She was sitting cross-legged on the bed, in her old room in her mother's house. She didn't like to call it "my house" anymore, she had been gone for too long, it wasn't right somehow. The pale light of the winter sun poured through the window. All of a sudden, she felt young and careless, twelve years old again, all the homework done and nothing to do but sit here and watch the sun set. How often had she sat like this with her sister, on a winter evening, talking about school, about their friends, neighbors, parents, and about all the wonderful things they wanted to do? - Not often enough, not nearly, Kathryn thought, and with the regret came all the years, and she felt the weight of them again.
Phoebe was still looking at her impatiently.
"It went - well enough."
"Oh - Kath!!!" With a cry of despair that was almost a scream, Phoebe flung herself face down on the bed, and began to pound on the mattress with her fists. Then she sat up and faced her sister silently. This was "the look", it was sort of a family feature, and it meant joking time was over.
"It felt good", she began hesitantly. "I didn't realize how much I missed him, how apart we had grown. It felt good to be that close to him - to someone again."
As the light grew dim, the two women's outline gradually lost all sharpness, until they were just shadows against shadows.
"I didn't realize... how detached I'd become, you know? I used to consider Voyager my home, and the crew, they were more than a crew, they were a family, *my* family. And at the same time, I couldn't be just a part of that family, I had to be more than that, I had to stand apart. I thought I understood what it meant to be a starship captain, my God, I had no idea... At first I didn't notice, I was busy getting used to the situation, and then I didn't notice because I had Chakotay, and then..."
Kathryn's voice trailed off. By now it was dark.
"And then what?"
And then I had too much of him. He was everywhere: I met him every morning on the bridge, we had lunch, we had dinner, and after dinner we sat together for hours... and even when we were not together, I knew he was on the ship, somewhere close, and he would come if I called him... I don't think I've ever been so scared in my whole life."
Phoebe nodded, although Kathryn wouldn't be able to see it.
"Then something happened... I- I'll tell you sometime... anyway, it was too much, I had to stop it. You understand that, don't you? Don't you?"
"Yes, I understand."
"It was ok for a while. At least I thought it was. We could still be friends, that was what mattered, and I thought I'd get over- everything else."
After a pause that seemed to stretch forever, Kathryn continued.
"It's hard to put into words, because it happened so slowly. It was not just Chakotay, it was everything, everything seemed to be... slipping away. There were times I didn't know what I was doing, or why. I was always grinding my teeth, and everyone seemed so far away, Tom and B'Elanna so in love, Tuvok so self-sufficient, Harry so young... I remember one day, I was feeling particularly bad, positively sick. My mind was still clear enough to see that I was going somewhere I didn't want to be, so I took the day off. I believed that all I had to do was face whatever was happening to me, call it by it's name, and then it would disappear. I sat in my quarters and tried to think about some nice music to help me focus. I knew there was one particular piece that I loved, something sad that always made me feel better, something with violins; but I couldn't remember the name of the piece, I couldn't remember who had composed it, I couldn't even remember how the melody went. I just couldn't. I couldn't remember."
Both women shivered and felt instinctively for each other's hands in the darkness. Neither called for lights, they just moved closer on the bed.
"But you did remember in the end?" whispered Phoebe, like a child who wants to twist the end of a scary tale she knows only too well.
"No. I just sat there, and after a while I stopped thinking about the music. I didn't think about anything. Then I got up, went on the bridge and told Chakotay that I would be on duty after all."