Disclaimer: You don't care anyway, do you? I mean, *I* know that I don't own anything, but do *you* know I'm writing this?
Comment: Well, it's been a helluva ride! What happened to that little, rather depressing vignette I had in mind when I started all this? Thank you all for getting this far with me, it's been intense!
This is the last one, they get together, so, be warned: MUSH ALERT!!
Review: Those of you who've been patient enough to bear with my outrageously slow updating: was it worth the wait? Is it too mushy, too dry? Those of you who've read the whole story through: does it work? What could I have done better?
Molly, I owe you big time, and I'm still keeping my fingers crossed!
Chapter 14: Slow and steady
"Hi."
"Hi."
Kathryn walked up to Chakotay, and they both stood silently while the sun set in a glorious wash of red, orange and purple. From where they were standing, they could hear the murmur of voices and the occasional clinking of glasses. Someone started to laugh; it was Harry. After that they heard the deeper tone of Tuvok's voice, though they couldn't make out the words. Must have been one of those good old vulcan jokes, because it absolutely broke up the party: a roar of laughter raised up into the night sky, already filling with stars.
Chakotay smiled. "Seems like everyone's having a good time."
"Yes, they are, aren't they?. God, I can't believe how nervous I was about this party. I worried about the food for days. If I had known that all I had to do was give them all some ice cream and a spoon..."
"Spoons? What do you need spoons for?"
Kathryn chuckled, then stepped closer to him and reached up to his face. He stood motionless while she rubbed something from the corner of his mouth with her thumb. She smiled. "Indeed."
Chakotay hoped fervently that the semi-darkness in the room would hide his blush. Her touch made it very hard to concentrate on his next sentence.
"How about you? Are you having a good time?"
She thought about her answer for a few moments. "Yes. Well, I wouldn't call it "a good time", but... there were a couple of- things, a couple of conversations I felt I needed to have, and I did, so yes, it's been good. Besides, the party is just beginning, the night is young."
He nodded. "I saw you talking to B'Elanna."
Kathryn blew a strand of hair from her forehead. "I tell you, Chakotay, *that* conversation made my life ten years shorter." She shook her head. "But it was worth it. I guess I needed that too, to be confronted with how not only what I do, but also what I feel can affect other people. I suppose I forgot about that along the way, trying to be the perfect captain."
He looked at her warmly. "Momentarily."
"Yes, momentarily."
After a pause, Chakotay spoke again. "What about those other conversations?"
There was only one more conversation, and he knew with whom, but he wasn't sure if she wanted to talk about it, so he was giving her the chance to skip it, to make up something else if necessary. But Kathryn hadn't come as far as this to skip things or to make things up. No more delays. Two ways led away from this living room, and she was prepared to take them both. Either way, she would walk out of here with her head high. Only on one of them, she would be carrying with her a broken heart...
She took a deep breath. "Seven told me about her project. Well, as much as she could tell me, since it's oh so top-secret."
"I think only her and a couple of top scientists, plus some very high command staff know all the details."
Kathryn frowned. "I don't have a good feeling about this, Chakotay. She's still so young... oh, you know what I mean. She's not even Starfleet, she just got here, she's got no experience, and they are handing her a delicate project about nanotechnology no one knows anything about. What if they're using her? What if they are giving her this because it's too dangerous, because they're afraid to give it to their own people, and when it blows up in her face they'll just drop her, blame it all on her?"
Chakotay looked thoughtful. "I've thought about something like that, too. On the other hand, given her background and her knowledge, she's the perfect choice for the job. She did acquire some skills about leadership and teamwork on Voyager. And although I'm the first one who's not in love with anything Starfleet is or does, I see no reason to distrust them at this time. She's the best, they know it, so they took her. I a great chance. Besides, she really wants this job. "
"Yes, she seemed very excited. Well, as excited as Seven can look."
"I think she's getting a taste for independence, too. She's actually looking forward to having her own place."
Kathryn's heart skipped a beat. "Oh?", she managed.
Chakotay pretended not to have noticed. "Here I thought I was doing her a favour, letting her share my place, and now it turns out, she never liked it. She says it was very disturbing to hear me snoring right through the wall."
Another beat skipped. Or maybe two this time. Through the wall means separate bedrooms, right? Right?
"You snore?" I never heard you snoring, she wanted to add, but it didn't seem like the right moment. Not yet.
"Of course not! You *know* I don't snore! What she really hates about sharing apartment is the housework. We were always squabbling about who had to do the dishes or fill the processor, things like that."
"Are you telling me that Seven of Nine is a slob?"
"Must be a hidden streak of her personality that is just now emerging. Her place will be a mess in no time."
"As long as nothing else is a mess..."
"Well, she's got us. We'll look out for her. That's what friends do, don't they?"
"Yes, that's what friends do..."
Somehow, Kathryn had thought that talking about Seven with Chakotay would be much harder. Makes two mistakes in one day. Because talking to Seven hadn't been that hard either. While Kathryn had been going over thousands of variations of this one conversation, convinced that it would in one way or the other decide about the rest of her life, Seven had spent the last week assembling her team, and getting very comfortable with the idea of finally being the boss. There was a new air of efficency about her, quite different from the Borg idea of efficency. This was - professional. And when Kathryn finally mustered the courage to ask about Chakotay, Seven had simply looked at her and told her that it had been "interesting", but that with her new responsabilities she would have "no time for that sort of thing." There was a strange quality to that look, and even stranger it was that Seven should put her hand on the captain's after saying those words. Why would she do that?
They had left the room hand in hand, and Kathryn felt as if she had been about to loose something very dear to her, but found it just in time.
"How's your book coming?" Suddenly, Kathryn didn't feel like talking about Seven anymore.
"Good, good. Some days are better than others. I'm still getting used to this writing business. It's strange to be working all by myself, in silence... but I like it. It's good. Slow and steady."
"I'm so glad for you."
"I think- I think that's how I want to keep things from now on, slow and steady."
He was looking directly at her now. His expression had changed, and they both knew they weren't talking about the book anymore.
"That sounds like a good plan", Kathryn said, after they had been silent for some seconds. "I've been thinking about that myself."
"About what?"
"About taking it- slow and steady."
Chakotay burst into a laughing fit, while Kathryn stared at him. "What? What's so funny?" Chakotay tried to stop, but her dignified expression made him laugh even harder.
"Sorry, sorry... just the thought of... you, taking it... slow..."
"I will! I've learned my lesson, Chakotay. I'll take it easy, I'll relax, I'll... I don't know, I'll plant tomatoes and watch them grow... I'll chill out, damn it!"
This made Chakotay positively double over with laughter, until Kathryn couldn't resist it and joined him. They both landed on the couch, gasping and drying their tears. When they had calmed down and had been sitting in silence for some time, Chakotay turned to Kathryn and said. "I know."
She gave him an inquisitive look, and he continued, a little hesitantly: "I mean, I know you've lerned your lesson." He paused, then spoke again, a dimple forming on his cheek: "But I also know that you are... well, you. Slow and steady just isn't sexy enough for you."
Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "I'm not sure I get the implications of that last remark, Commander." Then she sighed. "Oh, you're right, you're right. You're always right. That's a very annoying habit you have, by the way."
"I know, women say that too me all the time."
Chakotay expected a quip in response to his, but she was silent. He was starting to worry she might have taken that thing about the women seriously, and that he'd stupidly spoiled everything, when she spoke.
"I was just hoping... I was hoping that... since we both want to take it slow, maybe we could... you know... plant some tomatoes and..." Her voice faded and she blushed violently.
"Uhm... plant tomatoes, Kathryn?"
Kathryn jumped up form the couch in exasperation. "Oh, you know I'm not good at this, Chakotay, and you're not helping!" She turned away, fighting back the tears. This was not how she had expected this conversation to go. She was so sure of what she wanted to say when she came in here and saw him standing by the window. She thought she was done with all the confusion and the tears. Well, so much for that. Now her nose was red and she was sniffling, and he would think she was ridiculous and ugly and...
He walked up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "I'd love to", he whispered in her ear.
"What?"
"Anything. Plant tomatoes. Beans. Cactuses. I'll be a farmer, a waiter, a Starfleet officer, I'll go back to the Delta Quadrant. As long as I'm with you. For the rest of my life."
Kathryn turned to him, speechless. He sighed. "I love you, Kathryn. I've loved you all these years. You know that, don't you?"
Her eyes closed, she whispered: "Yes. I know."
She opened her eyes, and although the darkness was now complete, she could see his face clearer than ever, every feature, the design of his tattoo, his good dark eyes intent on hers. There was no hesitation in her next words.
"There's something you might not know. I love you too."
He smiled and traced her face with his fingertips. "Well, now I know."
After a last look at his face, she finally allowed herself to fall into his arms. And although they were standing mere inches apart, it was a fall, like one of those weightless falls one experiences at night, in bed, not quite awake, but yet asleep, when the room starts to spin, and the bed seems to float, up to the ceiling, and then out of the window, into the night... For a moment, she felt dizzy and closed her eyes against his chest.
"There's still so much I don't know, Chakotay. About myself, about who I am, or who I want to be... I don't know if-"
"Shhh. There's no hurry. Slow and steady, remember?" He took her face into his hands. "I'll be here."
"Like you always were."
A cloud passed over his eyes. "Not always."
She put hand on his mouth. "Always."
As they stood there, looking at each other in the starlight, a silent promise passed between them. and it held forgiveness, and hope, and passion, and all the past, and all the future.
The End
Comment: Well, it's been a helluva ride! What happened to that little, rather depressing vignette I had in mind when I started all this? Thank you all for getting this far with me, it's been intense!
This is the last one, they get together, so, be warned: MUSH ALERT!!
Review: Those of you who've been patient enough to bear with my outrageously slow updating: was it worth the wait? Is it too mushy, too dry? Those of you who've read the whole story through: does it work? What could I have done better?
Molly, I owe you big time, and I'm still keeping my fingers crossed!
Chapter 14: Slow and steady
"Hi."
"Hi."
Kathryn walked up to Chakotay, and they both stood silently while the sun set in a glorious wash of red, orange and purple. From where they were standing, they could hear the murmur of voices and the occasional clinking of glasses. Someone started to laugh; it was Harry. After that they heard the deeper tone of Tuvok's voice, though they couldn't make out the words. Must have been one of those good old vulcan jokes, because it absolutely broke up the party: a roar of laughter raised up into the night sky, already filling with stars.
Chakotay smiled. "Seems like everyone's having a good time."
"Yes, they are, aren't they?. God, I can't believe how nervous I was about this party. I worried about the food for days. If I had known that all I had to do was give them all some ice cream and a spoon..."
"Spoons? What do you need spoons for?"
Kathryn chuckled, then stepped closer to him and reached up to his face. He stood motionless while she rubbed something from the corner of his mouth with her thumb. She smiled. "Indeed."
Chakotay hoped fervently that the semi-darkness in the room would hide his blush. Her touch made it very hard to concentrate on his next sentence.
"How about you? Are you having a good time?"
She thought about her answer for a few moments. "Yes. Well, I wouldn't call it "a good time", but... there were a couple of- things, a couple of conversations I felt I needed to have, and I did, so yes, it's been good. Besides, the party is just beginning, the night is young."
He nodded. "I saw you talking to B'Elanna."
Kathryn blew a strand of hair from her forehead. "I tell you, Chakotay, *that* conversation made my life ten years shorter." She shook her head. "But it was worth it. I guess I needed that too, to be confronted with how not only what I do, but also what I feel can affect other people. I suppose I forgot about that along the way, trying to be the perfect captain."
He looked at her warmly. "Momentarily."
"Yes, momentarily."
After a pause, Chakotay spoke again. "What about those other conversations?"
There was only one more conversation, and he knew with whom, but he wasn't sure if she wanted to talk about it, so he was giving her the chance to skip it, to make up something else if necessary. But Kathryn hadn't come as far as this to skip things or to make things up. No more delays. Two ways led away from this living room, and she was prepared to take them both. Either way, she would walk out of here with her head high. Only on one of them, she would be carrying with her a broken heart...
She took a deep breath. "Seven told me about her project. Well, as much as she could tell me, since it's oh so top-secret."
"I think only her and a couple of top scientists, plus some very high command staff know all the details."
Kathryn frowned. "I don't have a good feeling about this, Chakotay. She's still so young... oh, you know what I mean. She's not even Starfleet, she just got here, she's got no experience, and they are handing her a delicate project about nanotechnology no one knows anything about. What if they're using her? What if they are giving her this because it's too dangerous, because they're afraid to give it to their own people, and when it blows up in her face they'll just drop her, blame it all on her?"
Chakotay looked thoughtful. "I've thought about something like that, too. On the other hand, given her background and her knowledge, she's the perfect choice for the job. She did acquire some skills about leadership and teamwork on Voyager. And although I'm the first one who's not in love with anything Starfleet is or does, I see no reason to distrust them at this time. She's the best, they know it, so they took her. I a great chance. Besides, she really wants this job. "
"Yes, she seemed very excited. Well, as excited as Seven can look."
"I think she's getting a taste for independence, too. She's actually looking forward to having her own place."
Kathryn's heart skipped a beat. "Oh?", she managed.
Chakotay pretended not to have noticed. "Here I thought I was doing her a favour, letting her share my place, and now it turns out, she never liked it. She says it was very disturbing to hear me snoring right through the wall."
Another beat skipped. Or maybe two this time. Through the wall means separate bedrooms, right? Right?
"You snore?" I never heard you snoring, she wanted to add, but it didn't seem like the right moment. Not yet.
"Of course not! You *know* I don't snore! What she really hates about sharing apartment is the housework. We were always squabbling about who had to do the dishes or fill the processor, things like that."
"Are you telling me that Seven of Nine is a slob?"
"Must be a hidden streak of her personality that is just now emerging. Her place will be a mess in no time."
"As long as nothing else is a mess..."
"Well, she's got us. We'll look out for her. That's what friends do, don't they?"
"Yes, that's what friends do..."
Somehow, Kathryn had thought that talking about Seven with Chakotay would be much harder. Makes two mistakes in one day. Because talking to Seven hadn't been that hard either. While Kathryn had been going over thousands of variations of this one conversation, convinced that it would in one way or the other decide about the rest of her life, Seven had spent the last week assembling her team, and getting very comfortable with the idea of finally being the boss. There was a new air of efficency about her, quite different from the Borg idea of efficency. This was - professional. And when Kathryn finally mustered the courage to ask about Chakotay, Seven had simply looked at her and told her that it had been "interesting", but that with her new responsabilities she would have "no time for that sort of thing." There was a strange quality to that look, and even stranger it was that Seven should put her hand on the captain's after saying those words. Why would she do that?
They had left the room hand in hand, and Kathryn felt as if she had been about to loose something very dear to her, but found it just in time.
"How's your book coming?" Suddenly, Kathryn didn't feel like talking about Seven anymore.
"Good, good. Some days are better than others. I'm still getting used to this writing business. It's strange to be working all by myself, in silence... but I like it. It's good. Slow and steady."
"I'm so glad for you."
"I think- I think that's how I want to keep things from now on, slow and steady."
He was looking directly at her now. His expression had changed, and they both knew they weren't talking about the book anymore.
"That sounds like a good plan", Kathryn said, after they had been silent for some seconds. "I've been thinking about that myself."
"About what?"
"About taking it- slow and steady."
Chakotay burst into a laughing fit, while Kathryn stared at him. "What? What's so funny?" Chakotay tried to stop, but her dignified expression made him laugh even harder.
"Sorry, sorry... just the thought of... you, taking it... slow..."
"I will! I've learned my lesson, Chakotay. I'll take it easy, I'll relax, I'll... I don't know, I'll plant tomatoes and watch them grow... I'll chill out, damn it!"
This made Chakotay positively double over with laughter, until Kathryn couldn't resist it and joined him. They both landed on the couch, gasping and drying their tears. When they had calmed down and had been sitting in silence for some time, Chakotay turned to Kathryn and said. "I know."
She gave him an inquisitive look, and he continued, a little hesitantly: "I mean, I know you've lerned your lesson." He paused, then spoke again, a dimple forming on his cheek: "But I also know that you are... well, you. Slow and steady just isn't sexy enough for you."
Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "I'm not sure I get the implications of that last remark, Commander." Then she sighed. "Oh, you're right, you're right. You're always right. That's a very annoying habit you have, by the way."
"I know, women say that too me all the time."
Chakotay expected a quip in response to his, but she was silent. He was starting to worry she might have taken that thing about the women seriously, and that he'd stupidly spoiled everything, when she spoke.
"I was just hoping... I was hoping that... since we both want to take it slow, maybe we could... you know... plant some tomatoes and..." Her voice faded and she blushed violently.
"Uhm... plant tomatoes, Kathryn?"
Kathryn jumped up form the couch in exasperation. "Oh, you know I'm not good at this, Chakotay, and you're not helping!" She turned away, fighting back the tears. This was not how she had expected this conversation to go. She was so sure of what she wanted to say when she came in here and saw him standing by the window. She thought she was done with all the confusion and the tears. Well, so much for that. Now her nose was red and she was sniffling, and he would think she was ridiculous and ugly and...
He walked up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "I'd love to", he whispered in her ear.
"What?"
"Anything. Plant tomatoes. Beans. Cactuses. I'll be a farmer, a waiter, a Starfleet officer, I'll go back to the Delta Quadrant. As long as I'm with you. For the rest of my life."
Kathryn turned to him, speechless. He sighed. "I love you, Kathryn. I've loved you all these years. You know that, don't you?"
Her eyes closed, she whispered: "Yes. I know."
She opened her eyes, and although the darkness was now complete, she could see his face clearer than ever, every feature, the design of his tattoo, his good dark eyes intent on hers. There was no hesitation in her next words.
"There's something you might not know. I love you too."
He smiled and traced her face with his fingertips. "Well, now I know."
After a last look at his face, she finally allowed herself to fall into his arms. And although they were standing mere inches apart, it was a fall, like one of those weightless falls one experiences at night, in bed, not quite awake, but yet asleep, when the room starts to spin, and the bed seems to float, up to the ceiling, and then out of the window, into the night... For a moment, she felt dizzy and closed her eyes against his chest.
"There's still so much I don't know, Chakotay. About myself, about who I am, or who I want to be... I don't know if-"
"Shhh. There's no hurry. Slow and steady, remember?" He took her face into his hands. "I'll be here."
"Like you always were."
A cloud passed over his eyes. "Not always."
She put hand on his mouth. "Always."
As they stood there, looking at each other in the starlight, a silent promise passed between them. and it held forgiveness, and hope, and passion, and all the past, and all the future.
The End