Title: Half of my soul and all of my heart
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-)
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then.
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey.
Feedback: Thank you so much for the nice feedback so far - it's exactly what I need ;-) So don't stop...
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Anya and Willow have a talk (takes place before Willow's dream, in case you're wondering).
***
"How much did you love her?"
I still love her, Willow thought. How could Anya be so... ignorant? She felt the rage building inside her, but tried to calm down. "Why do you keep asking this? Don't you know how hard this is for me? Even without you asking these - things? And - I mean, it's not that I did love her, you know?"
"What? You mean you didn't...oh. Listen, I'm really sorry, Willow, I didn't mean to... but it's important. I - I mean she... I liked her a lot, you know?"
"That's the difference between you and me - I still love her. I remember her. You and the others - you just live your lives as if nothing had happened and as if she never even existed. I will always love her. I cannot not love her. She's - I mean she was..."
"What? What was she?" Anya asked. "And what do you mean, we just live our lives? What are we supposed to do? And what do you do? I mean, making out with this...girl doesn't seem to me like you're still grieving?"
"You don't understand. I don't understand it myself." Willow sat down on the bed. Our bed, she thought. Anya's right. How can I do this? "I really wish I knew what is going on. I-"
"Do you love her? Kennedy, I mean?"
"No! I mean...no, I guess I don't. I - I like her, she's cute and nice and all that, but - she isn't Tara. And she can never be. I know this sounds stupid, but - when Oz left me, I was sad. I felt as if I could never ever love again. But now - I know it. I just - Anya, I loved her so much. I could never have hurt her, even when she left me - not consciously, like I wanted to do with Oz. She made me feel special, and safe, and - I was so scared that she wouldn't love me without the magic, and now I know she would. She would always love me, even if I...I think she even loves me right now, after all I did. She left me because she loved me. And she came back. And when she - when she was taken from me, I felt as if-"
"Your heart was ripped out?" Anya sat down next to Willow. She almost regretted that she had asked her this, but she didn't have another choice. Why was she always the one who looked bad?
"No, more than that...Tara was - she is half of my soul, and all of my heart. She-"
"What did you just say?"
"What?"
"This thing with the soul...she was..."
"She is half of my soul and all of my heart." She knew it sounded strange - her insisting on the present tense...but that was how she felt, how she would always feel.
"Half of your soul... are you sure? I mean, do you really feel like that or are you just saying this because it sounds nice?" Anya almost hated herself for asking this, but there was no other way.
What was this all about? Willow thought angrily. Of course she meant it. "Of course I mean it! And I am sure. Do you know what she sang to me when Xander had summoned this demon? You make me complete. I made her complete, and she complemented me. We complemented each other, we-"
"Alright, I get it", Anya interrupted her. "You were totally perfect together, I know. I'm sure it was a beautiful song. Now-"
"Why do you always have to be like that? You don't really have any feelings, do you? You sure don't act like you do."
"It's not my fault I have to do this. But the others don't know anything about the thing I want to talk to you about. And I can just go now, but we are probably going to die then. Just because you don't like talking to me. I guess you won't mind the additional blaming yourself." With that, Anya stood up and started to walk out of the room.
"I- Listen Anya, I'm sorry, okay? Just tell me what this is all about, maybe we can - we can make everything right again."
"Wll, I don't know if we'll be able to, but okay. I'll stay and I'll tell you. But don't interrupt me all the time, or insult me or -"
"I'll be good. Totally good. And I will be silent. No talking. No."
Anya looked at her, waiting for her to stop.
"Oh. I'll start now. With the being silent I mean.."
"Whatever. Willow, what do you know about soulmates?"
"What do you mean?"
"Have you got any idea what soulmates are?"
"Kindred spirits... souls or...lovers that are made for each other?" Willow made a guess.
"Hm, not completely wrong. It's just - it's not that simple." Anya furrowed her brow, wondering how she could explain this. "When I was still a vengeance demon - for the first time, I mean - I met a lot of people who thought they had found there soulmate. That is, I met the women who had been left by the men who they thought were their soulmates. But the thing is, there are only very few true soulmates." She looked at Willow who seemed confused. "But I read-"
"I guess you read that every soul has already made a choice about his or her partner before it becomes human. And that's true - but these are not soulmates. Not what I mean, anyway. Before life, each soul is in a sort of...I don't know how to describe it, because I've never been there and I only heard rumours, but it's probably like a huge partyroom or something like that where souls can meet each other and fall in love. Then, when they have become human and meet again, there may be what is called "recognition of souls". The only problem is, it is very hard to recognize the soul you already met. I don't know why, that's just how it is. But what is important is this: these souls or people are not destined to be together. The Powers that Be usually don't mess with love, they are only concerned with life and death. Love is just plain free will and good luck and unfair and-"
"Ok, I get that. But why do you want to talk to me about that? Are you still mad at Xander? Is it because of his date?" Willow knew this couldn't be the reason, but she had to stop Anya before she went on and on about how Xander had treated her badly and how it served him right this other woman had been a demon...yada yada yada. She also knew Anya was right if she said so, but then again, she understood Xander and it wasn't his fault he always picked demon-women and - great, now she was doing the ranting inside her head. Or maybe this was Anya's idea of solace- maybe she thought telling her that Tara and she had not been soulmates made things easier...
"No, why do you think Xander has got anything to do with it? I'm talking about you and Tara, eventually...just - one thing after the other." Anya shot Willow a disapproving look. "Right, I told you that usually The Powers that Be don't have anything to do with love, right? But it seems - after all I've heard- that they can be pretty romantic sometimes."
"Meaning?"
"There are some people who actually are destined to be together. Once in a while, they... connect a soulpair,so they will recognize each other in life. It's a bit like this thing with the coin in the cake - or was it pudding? Anyway, who cares? Each soul gets one half of the coin - though there is no coin, but you know what I mean - and when they meet in their human form, they are attracted to each other like - magnets."
"So?"
"So what?"
"What so what?"
"What so what so what?"
"What do you want to tell me, Anya? I mean, it's a nice, romantic little story, but does it have an ending or something?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know more about it. It's just- true soulmates never have any need for vengeance - they love each other and that's it, usually. I guess. I mean it's not I've ever met a pair before-"
"Before?"
"You and Tara."
***
At that point, they were inturrupted by Kennedy. They both looked at her, annoyed.
"What?" Kennedy asked. "Aren't you hungry? There's dinner downstairs. Or do you want to have some upstairs, Willow? Dinner for two?" She smiled at her flirtatiously. But Willow didn't really notice - didn't really care.
"Right. I mean, no - I mean, we'll both come down, won't we, Anya?"
Anya grinned. "Sure, let's go. We can talk later."
"So dinner it is", Willow said, feeling relieved. She did not want to spend some time alone with Kennedy. Not after all she just heard. She really had to think about it first.
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-)
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then.
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey.
Feedback: Thank you so much for the nice feedback so far - it's exactly what I need ;-) So don't stop...
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Anya and Willow have a talk (takes place before Willow's dream, in case you're wondering).
***
"How much did you love her?"
I still love her, Willow thought. How could Anya be so... ignorant? She felt the rage building inside her, but tried to calm down. "Why do you keep asking this? Don't you know how hard this is for me? Even without you asking these - things? And - I mean, it's not that I did love her, you know?"
"What? You mean you didn't...oh. Listen, I'm really sorry, Willow, I didn't mean to... but it's important. I - I mean she... I liked her a lot, you know?"
"That's the difference between you and me - I still love her. I remember her. You and the others - you just live your lives as if nothing had happened and as if she never even existed. I will always love her. I cannot not love her. She's - I mean she was..."
"What? What was she?" Anya asked. "And what do you mean, we just live our lives? What are we supposed to do? And what do you do? I mean, making out with this...girl doesn't seem to me like you're still grieving?"
"You don't understand. I don't understand it myself." Willow sat down on the bed. Our bed, she thought. Anya's right. How can I do this? "I really wish I knew what is going on. I-"
"Do you love her? Kennedy, I mean?"
"No! I mean...no, I guess I don't. I - I like her, she's cute and nice and all that, but - she isn't Tara. And she can never be. I know this sounds stupid, but - when Oz left me, I was sad. I felt as if I could never ever love again. But now - I know it. I just - Anya, I loved her so much. I could never have hurt her, even when she left me - not consciously, like I wanted to do with Oz. She made me feel special, and safe, and - I was so scared that she wouldn't love me without the magic, and now I know she would. She would always love me, even if I...I think she even loves me right now, after all I did. She left me because she loved me. And she came back. And when she - when she was taken from me, I felt as if-"
"Your heart was ripped out?" Anya sat down next to Willow. She almost regretted that she had asked her this, but she didn't have another choice. Why was she always the one who looked bad?
"No, more than that...Tara was - she is half of my soul, and all of my heart. She-"
"What did you just say?"
"What?"
"This thing with the soul...she was..."
"She is half of my soul and all of my heart." She knew it sounded strange - her insisting on the present tense...but that was how she felt, how she would always feel.
"Half of your soul... are you sure? I mean, do you really feel like that or are you just saying this because it sounds nice?" Anya almost hated herself for asking this, but there was no other way.
What was this all about? Willow thought angrily. Of course she meant it. "Of course I mean it! And I am sure. Do you know what she sang to me when Xander had summoned this demon? You make me complete. I made her complete, and she complemented me. We complemented each other, we-"
"Alright, I get it", Anya interrupted her. "You were totally perfect together, I know. I'm sure it was a beautiful song. Now-"
"Why do you always have to be like that? You don't really have any feelings, do you? You sure don't act like you do."
"It's not my fault I have to do this. But the others don't know anything about the thing I want to talk to you about. And I can just go now, but we are probably going to die then. Just because you don't like talking to me. I guess you won't mind the additional blaming yourself." With that, Anya stood up and started to walk out of the room.
"I- Listen Anya, I'm sorry, okay? Just tell me what this is all about, maybe we can - we can make everything right again."
"Wll, I don't know if we'll be able to, but okay. I'll stay and I'll tell you. But don't interrupt me all the time, or insult me or -"
"I'll be good. Totally good. And I will be silent. No talking. No."
Anya looked at her, waiting for her to stop.
"Oh. I'll start now. With the being silent I mean.."
"Whatever. Willow, what do you know about soulmates?"
"What do you mean?"
"Have you got any idea what soulmates are?"
"Kindred spirits... souls or...lovers that are made for each other?" Willow made a guess.
"Hm, not completely wrong. It's just - it's not that simple." Anya furrowed her brow, wondering how she could explain this. "When I was still a vengeance demon - for the first time, I mean - I met a lot of people who thought they had found there soulmate. That is, I met the women who had been left by the men who they thought were their soulmates. But the thing is, there are only very few true soulmates." She looked at Willow who seemed confused. "But I read-"
"I guess you read that every soul has already made a choice about his or her partner before it becomes human. And that's true - but these are not soulmates. Not what I mean, anyway. Before life, each soul is in a sort of...I don't know how to describe it, because I've never been there and I only heard rumours, but it's probably like a huge partyroom or something like that where souls can meet each other and fall in love. Then, when they have become human and meet again, there may be what is called "recognition of souls". The only problem is, it is very hard to recognize the soul you already met. I don't know why, that's just how it is. But what is important is this: these souls or people are not destined to be together. The Powers that Be usually don't mess with love, they are only concerned with life and death. Love is just plain free will and good luck and unfair and-"
"Ok, I get that. But why do you want to talk to me about that? Are you still mad at Xander? Is it because of his date?" Willow knew this couldn't be the reason, but she had to stop Anya before she went on and on about how Xander had treated her badly and how it served him right this other woman had been a demon...yada yada yada. She also knew Anya was right if she said so, but then again, she understood Xander and it wasn't his fault he always picked demon-women and - great, now she was doing the ranting inside her head. Or maybe this was Anya's idea of solace- maybe she thought telling her that Tara and she had not been soulmates made things easier...
"No, why do you think Xander has got anything to do with it? I'm talking about you and Tara, eventually...just - one thing after the other." Anya shot Willow a disapproving look. "Right, I told you that usually The Powers that Be don't have anything to do with love, right? But it seems - after all I've heard- that they can be pretty romantic sometimes."
"Meaning?"
"There are some people who actually are destined to be together. Once in a while, they... connect a soulpair,so they will recognize each other in life. It's a bit like this thing with the coin in the cake - or was it pudding? Anyway, who cares? Each soul gets one half of the coin - though there is no coin, but you know what I mean - and when they meet in their human form, they are attracted to each other like - magnets."
"So?"
"So what?"
"What so what?"
"What so what so what?"
"What do you want to tell me, Anya? I mean, it's a nice, romantic little story, but does it have an ending or something?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know more about it. It's just- true soulmates never have any need for vengeance - they love each other and that's it, usually. I guess. I mean it's not I've ever met a pair before-"
"Before?"
"You and Tara."
***
At that point, they were inturrupted by Kennedy. They both looked at her, annoyed.
"What?" Kennedy asked. "Aren't you hungry? There's dinner downstairs. Or do you want to have some upstairs, Willow? Dinner for two?" She smiled at her flirtatiously. But Willow didn't really notice - didn't really care.
"Right. I mean, no - I mean, we'll both come down, won't we, Anya?"
Anya grinned. "Sure, let's go. We can talk later."
"So dinner it is", Willow said, feeling relieved. She did not want to spend some time alone with Kennedy. Not after all she just heard. She really had to think about it first.