Title: Half of my soul and all of my heart
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-)
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then.
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey.
Feedback: Thanks again for the positive feedback. It's what keeps me going, and it makes me happy :0)
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Continues where the last part stopped. I know it's all confusing, and you have to wait for the explanation a little longer (I know I'm being mean, but hey - that's the way I am *lol*)...
Author's note: Something I should've done before - I wanna thank my lovely beta-reader and friend Jessica, for reading my stories and telling me how great I am ;-) I also wanna thank her for enduring my rantings about Buffy in general and Willow and Tara in particular. Love ya! (But not in the grey way, sorry ;-) )
***
Tara and Dawn stayed in the living room together, occasionally chatting about school and the boys Dawn found cute. The rest of the time they just sat there in silence, waiting for Xander, Buffy and William to get up. William, or Spike, as he liked to call himself now, was Buffy's boyfriend. To Dawn it seemed that it had taken ages for them to finally get together - it all had something to do with Buffy's ex boyfriends and Buffy being Buffy. Dawn quite liked William - he was the first of Buffy's boyfriends who didn't treat her like a child. Buffy had met him when she was still at the university - he was an exchange student from England and they had had some classes together.
William wasn't much at the university nowadays - like Xander, he was a carpenter. Or like Jesus, he sometimes joked. When he did so, one of them always reminded him that it wasn't Jesus, but Joseph who had been the carpenter, and his reply always was "Like father, like son". Thinking about it, Dawn didn't find it particular funny, but it had become some kind of a family joke for them.
Family. That was what they were. After her mom's death, they all had become very close. First, only Xander and Anya had been working, but as the hospital bills arrived and they needed more and more money, Buffy and William had quit university and searched for real jobs. Tara and Willow had wanted to quit as well, but the others wouldn't let them, reasoning that none of them actually liked studying, but as the two of them did, they might as well continue. Dawn remembered that night. She thought that that was probably the night they all realized they had become family.
So it really had hurt all of them when Willow was murdered. Someone had been ripped from their middle, and everyone had gone crazy. Dawn recalled how she had been sitting in her room, not wanting or being able to talk. Buffy and Anya had to use all their strength to stop Xander and William from some Mafialike vengeance trip. And Tara - Tara just lay in her bed, crying. When she got up, it never was for long. She also spent much time in the bathroom, being sick. Tara hadn't been to Willow's funeral - she just didn't have the strength. So far, she hadn't even been to Willow's grave.
Somehow Dawn understood her. The funeral had been so much harder than her mother's had, with the people whispering behind their backs about how sooner or later something like that had two happen... how the lesbians deserved no less... how the other one had gone over the edge, was totally crazy. They had been murdering Willow all over again. They all had been glad Tara had stayed at home. And then they all focused on helping her to cope with her grief. By doing so, they all learned to cope - only Tara didn't seem to be able to. But they were patient, and during the last months, there had been some progress. She had been to the university regularly, and they never had to persuade her to go. She even had cooked for them a couple of times - that had been the first time in months Dawn had eaten something that tasted good and wasn't take away food - the others weren't really good cooks, and although Anya had brought dozens of books from her bookshop which where supposed to change even the worst cook in a grande chef, this never worked. So Tarafood had been very much appreciated in any possible way.
But now, after that dream - Dawn really hoped it didn't change things for the worse. She tried to make Tara forget it, or at least help her not to think about it by chatting about all the unimportant facts of her life... she knew Tara was only listening to do her a favour, but in her opinion this was better than nothing.
At that moment, they heard some noises upstairs. It seemed as if the others were finally getting up. Dawn noticed that Tara suddenly looked extra distressed... she probably was afraid that the others would freak because of her dream. "It's okay, I don't think - I mean, you don't have to worry." Dawn tried to sound reassuring.
"Thanks, Dawnie, it's - I don't mind. I just - I would like to know what it m-means, you know? It's not merely that I died, it's - there were two Willows, and one seemed to be - I don't know, less dreamlike than the other did. And this is what m-makes me wonder. If this dream means more than "You're still morning your girlfriend's death and you have suicidal thoughts". I mean, it's not as if I need a dream to tell me that anyway." Tara glanced quickly at Dawn, realizing what she had just said, and then hid her face behind her hair.
"So this is it? You - you wanna kill yourself?" Suddenly, Dawn was angry. "You wanna die? And you're afraid the others will figure it out and - when do you wanna do it? Is there anything I can do?"
Tara had never heard Dawn sound that sarcastic. And she realized she had hurt her. "Dawnie, look - it's not as if I will do anything, I just - I think about it sometimes. Most of the time. Oh God, I shouldn't be telling you this, you-"
"Why not? Why can't you tell me? There is no need to protect me, I'm old enough to know and talk about these things. Do you think I don't understand it? I do. I guess I would feel the same way if I was you. But we need you here, Tara. We need you, I need you. I mean, you don't want me to live on take away food for the rest of my life, do you?" She tried to sound lightly this time, but it so didn't work. She sounded scared, and she was. She couldn't lose Tara as well.
Buffy, Xander and William chose that moment to come downstairs. "Good morning", Buffy cheered, relishing in the fact that it was spring outside. She loved spring... lots of time to spend outside with her boyfriend... smoochies in the sun... she smiled dreamily. Then she noticed the look on Tara's face. "Oh God, what is it? Did something happen?"
"I think you all should go to the kitchen, Anya - she has to tell you something." Tara lowered her head. She desperately wanted to hide, didn't want them to know. But she also knew Anya was right they had to find out what her dream meant, and she was glad she didn't have to tell them about it.
They all went into the kitchen - Buffy, Xander, William and Dawn -, leaving Tara alone. She didn't mind, it gave her time to get herself together again. She listened to them, absent mindly, only hearing the sound of their voices, not comprehending anything. She was still wondering about the other Willow - the more she thought about it, she was convinced that this was the most important thing about her dream. Because it felt important. Deep down she knew what she was hoping it meant, but she wasn't ready to admit it to herself yet. She couldn't allow herself to hope right now - if she did and she was wrong, she -
"Hey Tara", Xander greeted her. He and the others obviously had finished talking and now joined her in the living room. "Anya told us about your dream. How do you feel?"
"I'm okay," Tara looked up to him and smiled slightly. "Really, I'm okay, you don't have to worry about me. The dream -it's just that it - unsettled me a bit, but n-now I'm alright."
"Are you sure?" Buffy asked with a worried expression. "I mean, being murdered isn't really something I would like to dream about."
"Neither would I like it, but it happened, but now it's ok. I don't think it's that - important that I was killed in this dream. That isn't what I think the dream is about - that I'm being killed, I mean. I- I just thought about it one more time, and what I figured out is-" Tara stopped. She didn't know if she wanted the others to know. She decided she didn't. "I don't know, I can't explain it. But, I mean, I was watching myself die, that mean the same as dying, you know? Maybe- maybe we could ask someone who knows about this kind of stuff. A psychologist or something?"
"Well, I guess that's not a bad idea," William said. "Hell, I don't know anything about dreams really, and if we're honest, neither knows anyone else of us. And how do we know for sure this means anything at all? Perhaps it's just- a dream?"
"I don't know, I mean, sure, you could be right. But-" Anya hesitated and glanced at Tara. "I have this feeling that we - that it does mean something. And I believe so has Tara. Am I right?"
"You're right." Tara answered, lost in thoughts. She couldn't tell them, but she could at least let them know that - "I have a similar feeling. I can't describe it, but I think this wasn't just a dream. But I don't know what to make of it yet."
"Let's have a look on the internet", Dawn suggested. "I'll search for someone here in Sunnydale who might be able to help us." With that, she went and fetched her - Willow's former - laptop.
While Dawn logged on to the internet, Tara went to the kitchen. She hadn't had breakfast yet, and she was hungry. She noticed that she had noticed that - it was as if- it was the first time she felt the need to eat something without having been asked or anything. This is good, she decided. She wondered if she should make pancakes, but she dismissed that thought - she wasn't ready for that yet. Willow had loved her pancakes - she had made them extra special for her. She made herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead and went back to the living room.
There, everyone had re-grouped - William was sitting in the chair, Buffy on his lap and the two of them were totally - Tara could see they were very much in love. Again she noticed that this made her really happy for once; usually she had felt a short pang - half grief, half jealousy - at that thought. Anya and Xander were sitting on the couch now, Anya leaning against her fiancé. Dawn was sitting on the floor, the laptop on the coffetable and as Tara entered the room, she looked up. "Look at this, I think I found something."
Tara went over to her, looking over her shoulder. "'The esoteric bookshop'?" Dawnie, what -"
"I thought that maybe they really can help you, better than some psychologist or analytic. You know, they could probably hypnotize you, or give you some herbs and they can help you see the hidden message..."
"Hypnosis? Herbs? Hidden message? You don't believe in this kind of stuff, do you?" Her older sister sounded a bit worried. "And by the way, some psychoanalytics use hypnosis as well."
"I know, but I really do think they should be our first choice. One reason being that we wouldn't have to pay for advice, we can just go there, pretending to look for something... aren't psychiatrics awfully expensive? And who knows, maybe these people aren't totally crazy, maybe there is such a thing as magic... well, okay, there probably isn't, but maybe these can help us. We should at least try-" Dawn was interrupted by Anya
"But, this is a bookshop, isn't it? How do we know they know anything about herbs and stuff? I sell books about... a lot of things really, and I have know idea how to sail a ship or climb the Himalaya."
"Sure, but I think Dawn has a point," Xander said. "These esoteric guys usually know about these things. I've seen it on TV, you know? What's the name of the owner? Lady Starlight or something?"
"Rupert Giles." Dawn said dryly.
"Oh. Well, who knows what he does for fun?"
"Whatever, Xander." Dawn sounded a bit impatient. "Like I said, we should at least try. And I - I got the impression we are looking for a hidden message rather than a hidden meaning; and I think these people might be able to deal with messages of a possible supernatural kind. Or am I wrong?" Dawn turned to Tara.
"I- no, you're right, I guess. We - I can at least try. I'll go there tomorrow first thing in the morning. Will you write down the address for me, please?" Tara asked. "But I won't bring any herbs for you," she added as an afterthought.
"Hey, I didn't say-" Dawn stopped protesting when she realized what just had happened. Tara had teased her. She couldn't remember ever being so happy about being mocked at. It had been ages since- she hugged her happily. I'll never complain about dreams again, if they can do something like this, she thought.
Tara herself had noticed it as well. What was happening? She really had to be careful, but- what was she thinking? Didn't she - she saw how happy Dawn was now she behaved in a way very close to normal; something she hadn't been able to do for quite some time. And what was more important - this was the first time she had really felt like making fun... So whatever that dream meant, whatever it would bring, it had already changed things for the better. Tara smiled.
***
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-)
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then.
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey.
Feedback: Thanks again for the positive feedback. It's what keeps me going, and it makes me happy :0)
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Continues where the last part stopped. I know it's all confusing, and you have to wait for the explanation a little longer (I know I'm being mean, but hey - that's the way I am *lol*)...
Author's note: Something I should've done before - I wanna thank my lovely beta-reader and friend Jessica, for reading my stories and telling me how great I am ;-) I also wanna thank her for enduring my rantings about Buffy in general and Willow and Tara in particular. Love ya! (But not in the grey way, sorry ;-) )
***
Tara and Dawn stayed in the living room together, occasionally chatting about school and the boys Dawn found cute. The rest of the time they just sat there in silence, waiting for Xander, Buffy and William to get up. William, or Spike, as he liked to call himself now, was Buffy's boyfriend. To Dawn it seemed that it had taken ages for them to finally get together - it all had something to do with Buffy's ex boyfriends and Buffy being Buffy. Dawn quite liked William - he was the first of Buffy's boyfriends who didn't treat her like a child. Buffy had met him when she was still at the university - he was an exchange student from England and they had had some classes together.
William wasn't much at the university nowadays - like Xander, he was a carpenter. Or like Jesus, he sometimes joked. When he did so, one of them always reminded him that it wasn't Jesus, but Joseph who had been the carpenter, and his reply always was "Like father, like son". Thinking about it, Dawn didn't find it particular funny, but it had become some kind of a family joke for them.
Family. That was what they were. After her mom's death, they all had become very close. First, only Xander and Anya had been working, but as the hospital bills arrived and they needed more and more money, Buffy and William had quit university and searched for real jobs. Tara and Willow had wanted to quit as well, but the others wouldn't let them, reasoning that none of them actually liked studying, but as the two of them did, they might as well continue. Dawn remembered that night. She thought that that was probably the night they all realized they had become family.
So it really had hurt all of them when Willow was murdered. Someone had been ripped from their middle, and everyone had gone crazy. Dawn recalled how she had been sitting in her room, not wanting or being able to talk. Buffy and Anya had to use all their strength to stop Xander and William from some Mafialike vengeance trip. And Tara - Tara just lay in her bed, crying. When she got up, it never was for long. She also spent much time in the bathroom, being sick. Tara hadn't been to Willow's funeral - she just didn't have the strength. So far, she hadn't even been to Willow's grave.
Somehow Dawn understood her. The funeral had been so much harder than her mother's had, with the people whispering behind their backs about how sooner or later something like that had two happen... how the lesbians deserved no less... how the other one had gone over the edge, was totally crazy. They had been murdering Willow all over again. They all had been glad Tara had stayed at home. And then they all focused on helping her to cope with her grief. By doing so, they all learned to cope - only Tara didn't seem to be able to. But they were patient, and during the last months, there had been some progress. She had been to the university regularly, and they never had to persuade her to go. She even had cooked for them a couple of times - that had been the first time in months Dawn had eaten something that tasted good and wasn't take away food - the others weren't really good cooks, and although Anya had brought dozens of books from her bookshop which where supposed to change even the worst cook in a grande chef, this never worked. So Tarafood had been very much appreciated in any possible way.
But now, after that dream - Dawn really hoped it didn't change things for the worse. She tried to make Tara forget it, or at least help her not to think about it by chatting about all the unimportant facts of her life... she knew Tara was only listening to do her a favour, but in her opinion this was better than nothing.
At that moment, they heard some noises upstairs. It seemed as if the others were finally getting up. Dawn noticed that Tara suddenly looked extra distressed... she probably was afraid that the others would freak because of her dream. "It's okay, I don't think - I mean, you don't have to worry." Dawn tried to sound reassuring.
"Thanks, Dawnie, it's - I don't mind. I just - I would like to know what it m-means, you know? It's not merely that I died, it's - there were two Willows, and one seemed to be - I don't know, less dreamlike than the other did. And this is what m-makes me wonder. If this dream means more than "You're still morning your girlfriend's death and you have suicidal thoughts". I mean, it's not as if I need a dream to tell me that anyway." Tara glanced quickly at Dawn, realizing what she had just said, and then hid her face behind her hair.
"So this is it? You - you wanna kill yourself?" Suddenly, Dawn was angry. "You wanna die? And you're afraid the others will figure it out and - when do you wanna do it? Is there anything I can do?"
Tara had never heard Dawn sound that sarcastic. And she realized she had hurt her. "Dawnie, look - it's not as if I will do anything, I just - I think about it sometimes. Most of the time. Oh God, I shouldn't be telling you this, you-"
"Why not? Why can't you tell me? There is no need to protect me, I'm old enough to know and talk about these things. Do you think I don't understand it? I do. I guess I would feel the same way if I was you. But we need you here, Tara. We need you, I need you. I mean, you don't want me to live on take away food for the rest of my life, do you?" She tried to sound lightly this time, but it so didn't work. She sounded scared, and she was. She couldn't lose Tara as well.
Buffy, Xander and William chose that moment to come downstairs. "Good morning", Buffy cheered, relishing in the fact that it was spring outside. She loved spring... lots of time to spend outside with her boyfriend... smoochies in the sun... she smiled dreamily. Then she noticed the look on Tara's face. "Oh God, what is it? Did something happen?"
"I think you all should go to the kitchen, Anya - she has to tell you something." Tara lowered her head. She desperately wanted to hide, didn't want them to know. But she also knew Anya was right they had to find out what her dream meant, and she was glad she didn't have to tell them about it.
They all went into the kitchen - Buffy, Xander, William and Dawn -, leaving Tara alone. She didn't mind, it gave her time to get herself together again. She listened to them, absent mindly, only hearing the sound of their voices, not comprehending anything. She was still wondering about the other Willow - the more she thought about it, she was convinced that this was the most important thing about her dream. Because it felt important. Deep down she knew what she was hoping it meant, but she wasn't ready to admit it to herself yet. She couldn't allow herself to hope right now - if she did and she was wrong, she -
"Hey Tara", Xander greeted her. He and the others obviously had finished talking and now joined her in the living room. "Anya told us about your dream. How do you feel?"
"I'm okay," Tara looked up to him and smiled slightly. "Really, I'm okay, you don't have to worry about me. The dream -it's just that it - unsettled me a bit, but n-now I'm alright."
"Are you sure?" Buffy asked with a worried expression. "I mean, being murdered isn't really something I would like to dream about."
"Neither would I like it, but it happened, but now it's ok. I don't think it's that - important that I was killed in this dream. That isn't what I think the dream is about - that I'm being killed, I mean. I- I just thought about it one more time, and what I figured out is-" Tara stopped. She didn't know if she wanted the others to know. She decided she didn't. "I don't know, I can't explain it. But, I mean, I was watching myself die, that mean the same as dying, you know? Maybe- maybe we could ask someone who knows about this kind of stuff. A psychologist or something?"
"Well, I guess that's not a bad idea," William said. "Hell, I don't know anything about dreams really, and if we're honest, neither knows anyone else of us. And how do we know for sure this means anything at all? Perhaps it's just- a dream?"
"I don't know, I mean, sure, you could be right. But-" Anya hesitated and glanced at Tara. "I have this feeling that we - that it does mean something. And I believe so has Tara. Am I right?"
"You're right." Tara answered, lost in thoughts. She couldn't tell them, but she could at least let them know that - "I have a similar feeling. I can't describe it, but I think this wasn't just a dream. But I don't know what to make of it yet."
"Let's have a look on the internet", Dawn suggested. "I'll search for someone here in Sunnydale who might be able to help us." With that, she went and fetched her - Willow's former - laptop.
While Dawn logged on to the internet, Tara went to the kitchen. She hadn't had breakfast yet, and she was hungry. She noticed that she had noticed that - it was as if- it was the first time she felt the need to eat something without having been asked or anything. This is good, she decided. She wondered if she should make pancakes, but she dismissed that thought - she wasn't ready for that yet. Willow had loved her pancakes - she had made them extra special for her. She made herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead and went back to the living room.
There, everyone had re-grouped - William was sitting in the chair, Buffy on his lap and the two of them were totally - Tara could see they were very much in love. Again she noticed that this made her really happy for once; usually she had felt a short pang - half grief, half jealousy - at that thought. Anya and Xander were sitting on the couch now, Anya leaning against her fiancé. Dawn was sitting on the floor, the laptop on the coffetable and as Tara entered the room, she looked up. "Look at this, I think I found something."
Tara went over to her, looking over her shoulder. "'The esoteric bookshop'?" Dawnie, what -"
"I thought that maybe they really can help you, better than some psychologist or analytic. You know, they could probably hypnotize you, or give you some herbs and they can help you see the hidden message..."
"Hypnosis? Herbs? Hidden message? You don't believe in this kind of stuff, do you?" Her older sister sounded a bit worried. "And by the way, some psychoanalytics use hypnosis as well."
"I know, but I really do think they should be our first choice. One reason being that we wouldn't have to pay for advice, we can just go there, pretending to look for something... aren't psychiatrics awfully expensive? And who knows, maybe these people aren't totally crazy, maybe there is such a thing as magic... well, okay, there probably isn't, but maybe these can help us. We should at least try-" Dawn was interrupted by Anya
"But, this is a bookshop, isn't it? How do we know they know anything about herbs and stuff? I sell books about... a lot of things really, and I have know idea how to sail a ship or climb the Himalaya."
"Sure, but I think Dawn has a point," Xander said. "These esoteric guys usually know about these things. I've seen it on TV, you know? What's the name of the owner? Lady Starlight or something?"
"Rupert Giles." Dawn said dryly.
"Oh. Well, who knows what he does for fun?"
"Whatever, Xander." Dawn sounded a bit impatient. "Like I said, we should at least try. And I - I got the impression we are looking for a hidden message rather than a hidden meaning; and I think these people might be able to deal with messages of a possible supernatural kind. Or am I wrong?" Dawn turned to Tara.
"I- no, you're right, I guess. We - I can at least try. I'll go there tomorrow first thing in the morning. Will you write down the address for me, please?" Tara asked. "But I won't bring any herbs for you," she added as an afterthought.
"Hey, I didn't say-" Dawn stopped protesting when she realized what just had happened. Tara had teased her. She couldn't remember ever being so happy about being mocked at. It had been ages since- she hugged her happily. I'll never complain about dreams again, if they can do something like this, she thought.
Tara herself had noticed it as well. What was happening? She really had to be careful, but- what was she thinking? Didn't she - she saw how happy Dawn was now she behaved in a way very close to normal; something she hadn't been able to do for quite some time. And what was more important - this was the first time she had really felt like making fun... So whatever that dream meant, whatever it would bring, it had already changed things for the better. Tara smiled.
***