Title: Half of my soul and all of my heart
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-)
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then.
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey.
Feedback: Thanks again for the positive feedback. It's what keeps me going, and it makes me happy :0)
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Back in "our" Sunnydale, there is a research session going on.
Author's note: Be patient... there will be an explanation. I promise :0)
***
The next couple of days, Willow found Anya extremely annoying. She was always around her, wearing what Willow guessed should be a kind of threatening but at the same time confidence inspiring expression. And she had the feeling she had told Andrew to watch her as well - Andrew, of all people! It was - she was angry, of course, and Kennedy didn't make things easier. She had noticed Anya's increased attention, and she asked Willow if she knew what this was all about.
"I have no idea, maybe she is angry at me or she still blames me for bringing Buffy back and the First into reach of power. I mean, you know Anya, at least a bit, you know she is a bit - odd." Willow didn't want to tell Kennedy about her dream - she just couldn't confide in her. They were living in her room together, but that wasn't the room Tara and she had had; neither materially or, well, spiritually. When she was with Kennedy, Willow always felt the urge to hide, to - lie even. She knew Kennedy didn't understand the magic - and she had the feeling she didn't understand what she had had - and would always have - with Tara.
She still wasn't sure why Kennedy was so attracted to her. Sometimes she had the suspicion it was all about power - her girlfr- Kennedy, she corrected herself - Kennedy often talked about how powerful Willow was and that she should use her magic and that maybe they could find a way... She didn't seem to comprehend how dangerous magic could be, how it could consume you - Tara had known that, and - Willow couldn't imagine how much strength it had taken her to leave her back then. She pushed the thought aside - they had other things to worry about. She would get back to that later, just before she was falling asleep. It was strange - the first months after Tara had been murdered, she couldn't think of her without feeling sick and sad and lost, but now - it was as if - if she thought of Tara now, she didn't think of her death first, but of the happiness they had shared.
Hey, didn't you want to think of other things? she reprimanded herself. At the moment she was sitting in the living room with the others, doing research. She was looking for a spell with which she could locate the mysterious third one that was mentioned in the prophecy Anya had found. They all agreed that this was a reference to a third Slayer, that must have been called after Buffy had died the second time. Giles had found that odd - he told them that he had thought that Buffy had been of no importance to the line of Slayers after her first death.
Anya disagreed with him. "The oracle told us that the powers protecting the Slayers were confused and weak since Buffy was brought back from the dead. Couldn't it be that they were already confused when she was brought back for the first time? But then it didn't matter that much, or nobody noticed, because there were "only" two Slayers?"
"Maybe", Giles answered. "But I don't know, maybe this prophecy is just - a trick, an attempt of the First to mislead us."
"Well, that would be good, wouldn't it?" Kennedy interrupted him. "I mean, there is no chance of the fourth one ever coming back, so-"
"How do you know that?" Willow couldn't stop herself from asking. She wished she hadn't though - the others looked at her with an expression of pity mixed with bewilderment.
"Willow-" Buffy started, but Willow wouldn't let her tell her that she was being - yeah, what? Stupid? Naive? "No, it's okay. Forget it, I mean, sometimes..." she was searching for an excuse, "sometimes I - I forget. I'm sorry. Forget what I just said." She didn't really know why she had asked that question, but she had been wondering about that ever since Anya had found that prophecy - no, that wasn't true. She had been wondering how to bring Tara back ever since her lover was murdered. But wherever she looked, whomever she asked - and she had asked all the witches of the coven -, no one could help her. There was no possibility. And although she knew that, she couldn't bring herself to really accept it.
She didn't dare to look at Kennedy, but she had noticed her expression. She looked angry, and at the same time as if she was thinking that Willow had totally lost it. And wasn't she right? What was she thinking? There was no possibilty, that meant there was no hope of ever stopping the First and that meant that in the end she would be responsible for the end of the world after all... just as she was beginning to get lost in blaming herself, Anya spoke up.
"I agree with Willow." The others, who had started reading again, looked at her in amazement. Willow herself was confused. "I mean, I agree with her when she says that we don't know there is no way to bring Tara back."
"Anya!" Xander said angrily. "What are you talking about?"
"We have to accept it, we can not decide about life and death. I know Willow asked the witches of the coven, and I did some research myself-" Giles took off his glasses and started wiping them nervously. All eyes were on Anya right now, no one wanted to look at Willow who was staring down at her book, trying not to listen. "There really is no way we can bring her back."
"Maybe - maybe not - her," Anya suggested. "Or, what I guess would be better, mayber not us."
"Huh?" Buffy was confused.
"She means that we don't have to bring her back in the sense of her being able to live long." Everybody turned their heads when Andrew was speaking. "We - we talked about it, and maybe - maybe it would be enough if - if her remains are physically present..."
"You mean-?" Giles asked, sounding shocked.
"What does he mean?" Kennedy questioned. Dawn turned to her, her face wearing a strange expression. "I guess he means we could - we could raise her as a - a zombie or something." Her voice sounded hollow. "Then we could control her while doing the speel and afterwards send her back to..." she stopped, not feeling able to continue.
"That's not a bad idea, is it?" Kennedy interrupted the silence that had followed Dawn's explanation.
"NO!" Willow shouted. She couldn't stand it. What on earth were they thinking? Raising Tara as a zombie? And - the others at least seemed to realize that was not an option, but - "No, you won't. You just - you can't do that to her. You - hell, you can't do that to ME." She looked at Kennedy.
"Why not?" Kennedy sounded almost as angry as Willow. "Maybe then you would stop - stop cherishing her as you do. You are still living in the past Willow - you have to accept she will never come back! She - is - dead. And you don't seem to realize that. I mean, listen to yourself, you are still thinking that some day - poof! she'll be standing here and everything will be the same as it ever was and you will live happily ever after." She was shouting now, but there were tears in her eyes.
Buffy was almost feeling sorry for her - she could imagine that Kennedy wasn't happy about Willow's holding back. But Willow was her best friend - and she could understand her even better. Tara had been the love of her life, and there was no way she would be able to stand it to see her as a zombie or something. But then again - "Willow, I understand," Buffy said, interrupting Kennedy's outbreak. "But - we have to at least check if there is - if that solution might possibly work. I'm not saying we should do this, I'm just suggesting we-"
"What you are suggesting is to murder Tara all over again." Dawn couldn't believe what her older sister had just said. "Buffy, we can't do this, Willow won't be able to see her like that - I wouldn't be able to -"
"If this is the only way to stop the First, we will do it. I - I do care about your feelings, and about Willow's and about Tara's memory, but if there is no other solution, we have to do it. And we will." Buffy had her "I am in charge" voice again - Willow didn't care.
"No, we won't. I won't. I - if you do this, I won't take part in the spell. You'll have to kill me and raise me as a zombie before I will do this. I'd rather see the world end -"
"We all know you do." Kennedy was well beyond caring about Willow's feelings. She felt hurt and - rejected, and she wasn't really able to handle that. "You're all 'I am so sad and hurt and can't stand it, so let the world go down.' You really are a strong woman."
"You have no idea what this is all about, so SHUT UP!" Buffy saw with shock that suddenly Willow's eyes were going black and that she was about to perform a spell. So she stepped between them, not wanting to let the situation get out of control.
"Hey guys, that's enough. Willow, you - just stop it, right? We won't do anything before we haven't double-checked and-"
"You may double-check as much as you want, but I won't take part in a spell that involves a zombie!"
"You will if I tell you." Now Buffy was angry as well. "You know what sacrifices I made in order to save the world, so-"
"Sometimes I really wish you hadn't. I certainly didn't tell you to, did I ?"
"Willow, this is madness. You know you don't mean any of this. Do I have to fight you again?" So much for not letting the situation get out of control, she thought.
"Why not? It isn't as if I had to fear I'm going to lose, is it?" Willow's face was wearing a strange expression, her eyes weren't black but her gaze was cold.
"Will you all just STOP?" Anya had enough of it. "This is pointless, so shut up, both of you. If we want to save the world, maybe we should try and not waste our strength with fighting each other. Willow, you know Tara wouldn't have wanted you to let the world end just to spare your feelings. I know she also wouldn't have wanted to be brought back as a zombie, but we're in the kind of situation where you have to set priorities."
"And although we all -" Xander interrupted himself while glancing at Kennedy - "well, most of us can understand that your priority is and probably will always be Tara, ours is saving the world."
Willow looked at him, realizing what just had happened. "Oh my god, Buffy, I'm - I'm sorry. I - this totally got out of control. I shouldn't have-"
"It's okay." Buffy was relieved when she noticed Willow's truly apologetic look. "I - we all know that no one better messes with you gir- with Tara." She forced herself to smile. "No, let's get back to business, right? Without the threats and black eyes of any kind? We - I promise we won't bring Tara back as a zombie. Not before we haven't double-checked everything- don't interrupt me again. If there is any other solution, we will do it the other way. I promise. Right?"
Willow still knew she wouldn't be able to do a spell involving a zombie, but she nodded slightly.
"Good," Giles said. "if this is settled, we really should get on with research. But one more thing - Anya, you said something about maybe it needn't be us who bring Tara back? And I just want to remind you that we don't know if there is any need -" Buffy raised her eyebrows at him - "any need of the world saving kind to bring Tara back. We shouldn't forget that before we start arguing."
"Well, sure, you could be right." Anya was wearing a thoughtful expression now. Maybe she should tell the others about Willow's dream and the soulmate thing now. "I just - I believe this prophecy is authentic. What I meant with the 'it needn't be us' thing is just - perhaps the Powers that Be-"
Willow interrupted her before she could finish her sentence. She knew what Anya was going to get at, and she didn't want the others and especially Kennedy to know about her dream, not after what had happened just now. And anyway, it looked as if -"
"I found something!"
"What?" Anya was irritated. Buffy turned to Willow. "What did you find?"
"I think I found a way to trace the three - well, the one lost slayer mostly, because we know where you are and where Faith is - or should be."
"Really?" Giled went over to her and looked over her shoulder. "Hm, this might work... yes... do you have all the necessary ingredients?"
"Yes, I'll - I'll be right back."
No one said anything while Willow was upstairs, collecting the stuff she needed for performing the spell. When she came back, they made room for her on the floor, helped her set up the candles and prepare everything.
"It's not that difficult really, it's just a variation of a simple finding spell. But I need something that is connected to the person we want to find."
"What would that be?" Kennedy was still around. She had thought of leaving, but was too curious to actually go.
"Slayer's blood, I guess," Buffy answered. "Why does it always have to be blood..." she sighed. But she took the knife Willow handed her and cut herself. "Here you are, Slayer's blood, right from the well."
"Thank you." Willow caught a few drops in a vial and added to the herbs she had set aside in a small bowl. She stirred the ingredients and then grabbed a handful of them. In front of her were a couple of maps, one of each of the continents. They hoped they would be able to find her. If it didn't work, that is, if they couldn't locate her, they just had to try some other maps that were more specific.
Willow now stretched her arm and opened her hand over the maps, sprinkling the mixture over all of them. "Reveal."
First, nothing happened. But then, there was a twinkling light in the air, one, then two, and at last three.
"So there really are three of them," Andrew whispered.
"Shh!" Dawn glared at him.
The three lights started moving, one after the other. The first made its way to the map of America, finally settling where Sunnydale probably was. The second light settled just next to it, on the spot that said "Los Angeles." The third light, however, didn't seem to want to settle down. It swirled around in the air, moving above the map of America as well. Just as it seemed it was slowing down, it floated above the Sunnydale light, before -
"It vanished!"
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-)
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then.
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey.
Feedback: Thanks again for the positive feedback. It's what keeps me going, and it makes me happy :0)
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Back in "our" Sunnydale, there is a research session going on.
Author's note: Be patient... there will be an explanation. I promise :0)
***
The next couple of days, Willow found Anya extremely annoying. She was always around her, wearing what Willow guessed should be a kind of threatening but at the same time confidence inspiring expression. And she had the feeling she had told Andrew to watch her as well - Andrew, of all people! It was - she was angry, of course, and Kennedy didn't make things easier. She had noticed Anya's increased attention, and she asked Willow if she knew what this was all about.
"I have no idea, maybe she is angry at me or she still blames me for bringing Buffy back and the First into reach of power. I mean, you know Anya, at least a bit, you know she is a bit - odd." Willow didn't want to tell Kennedy about her dream - she just couldn't confide in her. They were living in her room together, but that wasn't the room Tara and she had had; neither materially or, well, spiritually. When she was with Kennedy, Willow always felt the urge to hide, to - lie even. She knew Kennedy didn't understand the magic - and she had the feeling she didn't understand what she had had - and would always have - with Tara.
She still wasn't sure why Kennedy was so attracted to her. Sometimes she had the suspicion it was all about power - her girlfr- Kennedy, she corrected herself - Kennedy often talked about how powerful Willow was and that she should use her magic and that maybe they could find a way... She didn't seem to comprehend how dangerous magic could be, how it could consume you - Tara had known that, and - Willow couldn't imagine how much strength it had taken her to leave her back then. She pushed the thought aside - they had other things to worry about. She would get back to that later, just before she was falling asleep. It was strange - the first months after Tara had been murdered, she couldn't think of her without feeling sick and sad and lost, but now - it was as if - if she thought of Tara now, she didn't think of her death first, but of the happiness they had shared.
Hey, didn't you want to think of other things? she reprimanded herself. At the moment she was sitting in the living room with the others, doing research. She was looking for a spell with which she could locate the mysterious third one that was mentioned in the prophecy Anya had found. They all agreed that this was a reference to a third Slayer, that must have been called after Buffy had died the second time. Giles had found that odd - he told them that he had thought that Buffy had been of no importance to the line of Slayers after her first death.
Anya disagreed with him. "The oracle told us that the powers protecting the Slayers were confused and weak since Buffy was brought back from the dead. Couldn't it be that they were already confused when she was brought back for the first time? But then it didn't matter that much, or nobody noticed, because there were "only" two Slayers?"
"Maybe", Giles answered. "But I don't know, maybe this prophecy is just - a trick, an attempt of the First to mislead us."
"Well, that would be good, wouldn't it?" Kennedy interrupted him. "I mean, there is no chance of the fourth one ever coming back, so-"
"How do you know that?" Willow couldn't stop herself from asking. She wished she hadn't though - the others looked at her with an expression of pity mixed with bewilderment.
"Willow-" Buffy started, but Willow wouldn't let her tell her that she was being - yeah, what? Stupid? Naive? "No, it's okay. Forget it, I mean, sometimes..." she was searching for an excuse, "sometimes I - I forget. I'm sorry. Forget what I just said." She didn't really know why she had asked that question, but she had been wondering about that ever since Anya had found that prophecy - no, that wasn't true. She had been wondering how to bring Tara back ever since her lover was murdered. But wherever she looked, whomever she asked - and she had asked all the witches of the coven -, no one could help her. There was no possibility. And although she knew that, she couldn't bring herself to really accept it.
She didn't dare to look at Kennedy, but she had noticed her expression. She looked angry, and at the same time as if she was thinking that Willow had totally lost it. And wasn't she right? What was she thinking? There was no possibilty, that meant there was no hope of ever stopping the First and that meant that in the end she would be responsible for the end of the world after all... just as she was beginning to get lost in blaming herself, Anya spoke up.
"I agree with Willow." The others, who had started reading again, looked at her in amazement. Willow herself was confused. "I mean, I agree with her when she says that we don't know there is no way to bring Tara back."
"Anya!" Xander said angrily. "What are you talking about?"
"We have to accept it, we can not decide about life and death. I know Willow asked the witches of the coven, and I did some research myself-" Giles took off his glasses and started wiping them nervously. All eyes were on Anya right now, no one wanted to look at Willow who was staring down at her book, trying not to listen. "There really is no way we can bring her back."
"Maybe - maybe not - her," Anya suggested. "Or, what I guess would be better, mayber not us."
"Huh?" Buffy was confused.
"She means that we don't have to bring her back in the sense of her being able to live long." Everybody turned their heads when Andrew was speaking. "We - we talked about it, and maybe - maybe it would be enough if - if her remains are physically present..."
"You mean-?" Giles asked, sounding shocked.
"What does he mean?" Kennedy questioned. Dawn turned to her, her face wearing a strange expression. "I guess he means we could - we could raise her as a - a zombie or something." Her voice sounded hollow. "Then we could control her while doing the speel and afterwards send her back to..." she stopped, not feeling able to continue.
"That's not a bad idea, is it?" Kennedy interrupted the silence that had followed Dawn's explanation.
"NO!" Willow shouted. She couldn't stand it. What on earth were they thinking? Raising Tara as a zombie? And - the others at least seemed to realize that was not an option, but - "No, you won't. You just - you can't do that to her. You - hell, you can't do that to ME." She looked at Kennedy.
"Why not?" Kennedy sounded almost as angry as Willow. "Maybe then you would stop - stop cherishing her as you do. You are still living in the past Willow - you have to accept she will never come back! She - is - dead. And you don't seem to realize that. I mean, listen to yourself, you are still thinking that some day - poof! she'll be standing here and everything will be the same as it ever was and you will live happily ever after." She was shouting now, but there were tears in her eyes.
Buffy was almost feeling sorry for her - she could imagine that Kennedy wasn't happy about Willow's holding back. But Willow was her best friend - and she could understand her even better. Tara had been the love of her life, and there was no way she would be able to stand it to see her as a zombie or something. But then again - "Willow, I understand," Buffy said, interrupting Kennedy's outbreak. "But - we have to at least check if there is - if that solution might possibly work. I'm not saying we should do this, I'm just suggesting we-"
"What you are suggesting is to murder Tara all over again." Dawn couldn't believe what her older sister had just said. "Buffy, we can't do this, Willow won't be able to see her like that - I wouldn't be able to -"
"If this is the only way to stop the First, we will do it. I - I do care about your feelings, and about Willow's and about Tara's memory, but if there is no other solution, we have to do it. And we will." Buffy had her "I am in charge" voice again - Willow didn't care.
"No, we won't. I won't. I - if you do this, I won't take part in the spell. You'll have to kill me and raise me as a zombie before I will do this. I'd rather see the world end -"
"We all know you do." Kennedy was well beyond caring about Willow's feelings. She felt hurt and - rejected, and she wasn't really able to handle that. "You're all 'I am so sad and hurt and can't stand it, so let the world go down.' You really are a strong woman."
"You have no idea what this is all about, so SHUT UP!" Buffy saw with shock that suddenly Willow's eyes were going black and that she was about to perform a spell. So she stepped between them, not wanting to let the situation get out of control.
"Hey guys, that's enough. Willow, you - just stop it, right? We won't do anything before we haven't double-checked and-"
"You may double-check as much as you want, but I won't take part in a spell that involves a zombie!"
"You will if I tell you." Now Buffy was angry as well. "You know what sacrifices I made in order to save the world, so-"
"Sometimes I really wish you hadn't. I certainly didn't tell you to, did I ?"
"Willow, this is madness. You know you don't mean any of this. Do I have to fight you again?" So much for not letting the situation get out of control, she thought.
"Why not? It isn't as if I had to fear I'm going to lose, is it?" Willow's face was wearing a strange expression, her eyes weren't black but her gaze was cold.
"Will you all just STOP?" Anya had enough of it. "This is pointless, so shut up, both of you. If we want to save the world, maybe we should try and not waste our strength with fighting each other. Willow, you know Tara wouldn't have wanted you to let the world end just to spare your feelings. I know she also wouldn't have wanted to be brought back as a zombie, but we're in the kind of situation where you have to set priorities."
"And although we all -" Xander interrupted himself while glancing at Kennedy - "well, most of us can understand that your priority is and probably will always be Tara, ours is saving the world."
Willow looked at him, realizing what just had happened. "Oh my god, Buffy, I'm - I'm sorry. I - this totally got out of control. I shouldn't have-"
"It's okay." Buffy was relieved when she noticed Willow's truly apologetic look. "I - we all know that no one better messes with you gir- with Tara." She forced herself to smile. "No, let's get back to business, right? Without the threats and black eyes of any kind? We - I promise we won't bring Tara back as a zombie. Not before we haven't double-checked everything- don't interrupt me again. If there is any other solution, we will do it the other way. I promise. Right?"
Willow still knew she wouldn't be able to do a spell involving a zombie, but she nodded slightly.
"Good," Giles said. "if this is settled, we really should get on with research. But one more thing - Anya, you said something about maybe it needn't be us who bring Tara back? And I just want to remind you that we don't know if there is any need -" Buffy raised her eyebrows at him - "any need of the world saving kind to bring Tara back. We shouldn't forget that before we start arguing."
"Well, sure, you could be right." Anya was wearing a thoughtful expression now. Maybe she should tell the others about Willow's dream and the soulmate thing now. "I just - I believe this prophecy is authentic. What I meant with the 'it needn't be us' thing is just - perhaps the Powers that Be-"
Willow interrupted her before she could finish her sentence. She knew what Anya was going to get at, and she didn't want the others and especially Kennedy to know about her dream, not after what had happened just now. And anyway, it looked as if -"
"I found something!"
"What?" Anya was irritated. Buffy turned to Willow. "What did you find?"
"I think I found a way to trace the three - well, the one lost slayer mostly, because we know where you are and where Faith is - or should be."
"Really?" Giled went over to her and looked over her shoulder. "Hm, this might work... yes... do you have all the necessary ingredients?"
"Yes, I'll - I'll be right back."
No one said anything while Willow was upstairs, collecting the stuff she needed for performing the spell. When she came back, they made room for her on the floor, helped her set up the candles and prepare everything.
"It's not that difficult really, it's just a variation of a simple finding spell. But I need something that is connected to the person we want to find."
"What would that be?" Kennedy was still around. She had thought of leaving, but was too curious to actually go.
"Slayer's blood, I guess," Buffy answered. "Why does it always have to be blood..." she sighed. But she took the knife Willow handed her and cut herself. "Here you are, Slayer's blood, right from the well."
"Thank you." Willow caught a few drops in a vial and added to the herbs she had set aside in a small bowl. She stirred the ingredients and then grabbed a handful of them. In front of her were a couple of maps, one of each of the continents. They hoped they would be able to find her. If it didn't work, that is, if they couldn't locate her, they just had to try some other maps that were more specific.
Willow now stretched her arm and opened her hand over the maps, sprinkling the mixture over all of them. "Reveal."
First, nothing happened. But then, there was a twinkling light in the air, one, then two, and at last three.
"So there really are three of them," Andrew whispered.
"Shh!" Dawn glared at him.
The three lights started moving, one after the other. The first made its way to the map of America, finally settling where Sunnydale probably was. The second light settled just next to it, on the spot that said "Los Angeles." The third light, however, didn't seem to want to settle down. It swirled around in the air, moving above the map of America as well. Just as it seemed it was slowing down, it floated above the Sunnydale light, before -
"It vanished!"