Title: Half of my soul and all of my heart
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-) And this is becoming B/S as well, it seems.
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then. As I was asked in how far the events on 'Angel' influence this story (I'm trying to avoide spoilers here *lol*) - when I started to write Chapter 11 and this one, I hadn't seen either "Calvary" or "Salvage", I had just heard that Faith was going to come back. And as I think she's a great and interesting character, I included her. As for the rest of the 'Angel' storyline - I don't think I'll really include anything except for the Connor thing, of course, and the Angel - Cordy thing.
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey. And there may be quotes from the show included in this story - I haven't really marked them, but if it sounds familiar - I mean it as an hommage, I don't wanna violate any copyright, really. Please don't sue me!
Feedback: Thanks again for the positive feedback. It's what keeps me going, and it makes me happy :0) Just one thing in return to what 'BBCharpker78' wrote (though I doubt she's still reading that story: I don't think Willow and Xander are soulmates. They are 'just' best friends, great best friends, but nothing more. Just think about the way Willow and Tara met in Hush. If that wasn't a recognition of souls, I don't know what it was. And I have many more good arguments to prove my point, but there's not enough space here, so if you wanna know them, just email me :0)
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Tara goes to see Giles (sorry, Aussie... you have to be patient ;- ) )
***
The next day was as sunny as the day before. Tara got up almost happily - she was looking forward to her visit to the esoteric bookshop. She didn't know much about these kinds of things - witchcraft and stuff, but she somehow was fascinated by it. Come to think of it, she always had been. But her father had been very religious and he would have killed her if he had known she was interested in witchcraft. So she only had read a couple of books about it when she was a child, at the library; and when she had left home for college, there had been so many other things to think about... Willow for example.
It still hurt to think about her, Tara noticed. It always would, as long as she was - as long as they weren't together. But somehow - there was something about the dream she had had that seemed to allow her to hope. She didn't know exactly what it was, maybe the other Willow, maybe the intensity of the love she had felt in the dream and every day she was with Willow. A love like that couldn't just be - sure, it wasn't wasted, not one day she had spent with her had been wasted, but why could anyone, God or - whoever was responsible for this world - how could they let them be apart when they so obviously belonged together?
She didn't know the answer - not yet. She went to the bathroom, got dressed and then went dowon to grab some breakfast. She was all alone - the others had already left for work or school. Willow and she had often taken advantage of these mornings...stayed in bed really long... Tara smiled dreamily. How was this possible? For months all she could think about that her lover was dead - gone...but now - this morning she had the feeling that she just had to go back upstairs and there she would be waiting for her. It was as if something forced her to be optimistic...she hadn't been for so long she almost didn't know how.
After she had eaten some cereal, she grabbed an apple and then went outside, deciding to walk to the shop. It wasn't that far, and she didn't have much of a choice anyway. She could've used the bike, but she didn't like that that much. And it wasn't as if she didn't have the time to walk. So she let herself warm by the sun, breathed the air that smelled already like spring. Oh my, Tara thought, you're sounding like a character in a kitschy book. But that was just what she felt like...all she needed was a kind of romantic dress and ...well, a nice romantic setting wouldn't have hurt as well.
She imagined Willow walking beside her... through the park, perhaps, the birds singing...she almost felt like singing herself. She had always been very self-conscious about her voice, but Willow had loved to listen to her. So sometimes she had sung to her. First it were only songs she knew from her childhood, but one day she had felt this song inside her...it had felt almost magical. And from then on, she had only sung this song. They had both loved it.
Tara had now arrived at the Mall. She looked at the paper Dawn had written the address on. It wasn't far from here... she took a look around, and then she spotted it. "The Esoteric Bookshop". It was quite small, at least from the outside. Before she entered it, she first peered through the shop window. The shop seemed to be empty except for a man behind the counter. That had to be the owner, she decided. What was his name again? Robert- no, Rupert Giles. Okay, here we go, she thought, and opened the door.
"Hello," she called. Not too loud though, as he wasn't that far away from her. He seemed quite startled. He was wearing glasses, but now he took them off and started cleaning them. "Oh..hello. How can I help you?" He sounded British, and he was rather cute, Tara had to admit. He also had a earring in his left ear, and that although he seemed to be well beyond forty. All in all she had the impression he was a bit odd, and she immediately liked him. And she felt she could trust him and tell him about her dream.
"Yes, I was wondering... I had a s-strange dream the other night, and I was wondering if you c-could help me to figure out what it means?" she asked him.
"A dream? I'm sure we can find the right book for you." He left his place behind the counter and started to make his way to some of the books.
"N-no, actually I was hoping that perhaps you could? H-help me, I mean." Tara hated her stuttering, but she couldn't help it. She was too nervous.
"Well, maybe I - I know a bit about these kind of things. However, you must realize that I am no qualified expert. Perhaps you should rather think of approaching a psychologist or -"
"No! I mean, no, I don't think a psychologist would really be able to help me. I think - I think the dream w-was more than just a message from my subc- conscious." She looked at him, hoping he would understand.
And he apparently did. He put on his glasses again and looked at her with newly awakened interest. "You mean, a message from another spiritual plane?"
"I don't know where this message could come from. That's what I was hoping y-you could help me find out."
"Well, we can at least try. But I have to tell you, I can't promise anything."
"That's all right, really. I'm glad for anything that might - what are you doing?"
He was walking towards the door and put the "Closed" sign into the window. "Beg your pardon?" He turned around.
"I - you don't have to close the shop, I could come back later, when it's closed." Tara didn't want to cause any inconvenience.
"The shop's closed now." He smiled at her in what seemed to be almost a fatherly way. "Would you care for a cup of tea?"
"Yes, that would be great, thank you." She smiled back, feeling far less nervous than before.
"Let's sit down here." He pointed to a corner where there were some chairs that really looked comfortable and then went to get the tea.
"Thank you," she said when he came back, carrying two cups. "I haven't even introduced myself - I'm Tara Maclay."
"Rupert Giles. Glad to meet you, Miss Maclay. So - where do you want to start?"
"I guess I should first tell you something about myself, as I am sure the dream has something to do with what happened during the last year." She glanced at him, he nodded encouragingly. "I'm a university student and I live together with a couple of friends. Until last May, my lover was living with us as well. Willow was - I loved her very much." She looked at him again, wanting to see his reaction. He didn't seem freaked or anything, just a bit surprised maybe.
"Why doesn't she live together with you anymore?"
"She is dead." Tara still hated saying these words. She had only actually said them five times or so, but - she felt terrible saying it. Somehow it made it more real. She knew she was being stupid again.
"I'm sorry." His voice was full of sympathy. "It's - it must have been very hard. How did she die?"
"She was killed. Murdered." She swallowed. "A - a guy we both didn't really know shot her. It seems he w-was obsessed with her, and c-couldn't bear to - he - originally he wanted to shoot me, at least that is what he told the police afterwards." She was silent.
"So - your dream - it had to do with your girlfriend's death?" he asked.
"I guess it did - although - I died in the dream," Tara said. Suddenly feeling shy, she hid her face behind her hair. Long hair really was useful sometimes.
"Did you die yourself or did you watch yourself die?" Giles sounded as if that wasn't more unusual than dreaming about...demons or men with cheese or something.
"I guess I should tell you what happened from the beginning. Of the d- dream, I mean." She smiled nervously. "I felt as if I was in a - a movie or something, watching it and being watched at the same time. But I was comfortable - I was in this room that reminded me of my room - no, that's not quite true. It reminded me of the room Willow and I had had. And then I saw m-myself, dressed like a man, but the clothes, they were - they were oldfashioned, like in those they are wearing in these J-Jane Austen movies?" She stopped to drink some of the tea he had made for her. It tasted good.
"So what happened next?"
"I - the both of me- we were in this kind of ballroom, and there was Willow as well, dressed in one of these oldfashioned - 'gowns', that's what they're called I think. They were dancing and then they were back in the room, m-making love," she blushed slightly, "and then it suddenly was like the day she was shot - someone who sounded like Stephen, that was her murderer's name, someone was banging on the door and they jumped out of the bed and my DreamSelf told Willow to r-run when she opened the door and she ran and then -" She had to stop. Tears were streaming down her face. Giles handed her a handkerchief.
"I am sure this is hard. But please, try to go on," he said in a gentle voice.
"Then my DreamSelf was shot. And then something weird happened...there was another Willow in the room.." she trailed off.
"How did you know she was different?" he asked.
"I don't really know, I felt it? And she was wearing different clothes than the other one had - she - her white shirt, it was full of m-my blood, and - she seemed different, somehow as if she didn't belong to the dream. I don't know how to explain... and then the other Willow came back, and there were two of them, and two of me, but we didn't interact. Willow, the one with the gown, she shot my murderer and then she embraced my b-body and...Oh!" She sat up straight and wiped the tears from her eyes, remembering something she had almost forgotten.
"What is it?"
"I forgot to tell you something...the whole time, during the whole dream I mean, I heard Willow's voice saying something that sounded like a poem or the lyrics of a song. And then, after my DreamSelf was dead, I heard my own voice. It said "and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death." And then I woke up."
"The 'Sonnets from the Portuguese'", Giles said.
Tara just looked at him, failing to understand.
"The poem, it's from a collection of love poems by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, called 'Sonnets from the Portuguese'. Does that remind you of something?"
"That I should've paid more attention during my English lessons? No, I don't think I've ever heard it before." She sounded a bit apologetically.
"Never mind. Then we can exclude the possibility that you heard it because you remembered it from somewhere." He took off his glasses again, a thoughtful expression on his face.
"What does that mean?" she asked.
"Well, it could mean that the words itself are important. But I don't know for sure. Let me just..." He stood up and left her sitting there, disappearing into what seemed to be his office. When he hadn't come back after half an hour, Tara got a bit worried.
"Er, Mr Giles?" she called.
Nothing. She tried again. "Mr Giles?"
He poked his head out of his office. "Oh, I'm sorry. Could you wait a minute or something? I think I found something useful."
"Can I help you somehow?"
"No, just wait some more, I'll - just - this passage..." his voice trailed off and he returned to his books. Tara smiled and made herself comfortable. He really was nice.
She was leafing through a book about witchcraft that had been lying on a table next to the chairs when he came back. The book was really good, it seemed different to the ones Anya had at her bookshop. It wasn't so much about the 'herstory of witchcraft' and women's empowerment - it seemed as if this was a real spellbook... but it didn't seem to be a beginner's book.
"You are a witch?" Giles sounded surprised.
She looked up. "Oh, no, I'm not, I'm just - it was lying here and I was just curious..."
"Hm. Did you understand any of it?" He seemed to be excited somehow, and Tara didn't understand it.
"Sure, I mean, I read some of the spells and stuff, but they seem to be pretty difficult. I mean, not that I'm an expert, I just have this feeling...what is it?" She was confused. He now had a very odd look in his eyes.
"Nothing, it's merely - interesting that you are - er - interested in witchcraft, that's all. But now to the reason you came here..."
"Yes?" she asked expectantly.
"I think I found something that could help explain your dream. But first I have to ask you something...."
She waited.
"How much did you love her?"
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-) And this is becoming B/S as well, it seems.
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then. As I was asked in how far the events on 'Angel' influence this story (I'm trying to avoide spoilers here *lol*) - when I started to write Chapter 11 and this one, I hadn't seen either "Calvary" or "Salvage", I had just heard that Faith was going to come back. And as I think she's a great and interesting character, I included her. As for the rest of the 'Angel' storyline - I don't think I'll really include anything except for the Connor thing, of course, and the Angel - Cordy thing.
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey. And there may be quotes from the show included in this story - I haven't really marked them, but if it sounds familiar - I mean it as an hommage, I don't wanna violate any copyright, really. Please don't sue me!
Feedback: Thanks again for the positive feedback. It's what keeps me going, and it makes me happy :0) Just one thing in return to what 'BBCharpker78' wrote (though I doubt she's still reading that story: I don't think Willow and Xander are soulmates. They are 'just' best friends, great best friends, but nothing more. Just think about the way Willow and Tara met in Hush. If that wasn't a recognition of souls, I don't know what it was. And I have many more good arguments to prove my point, but there's not enough space here, so if you wanna know them, just email me :0)
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Tara goes to see Giles (sorry, Aussie... you have to be patient ;- ) )
***
The next day was as sunny as the day before. Tara got up almost happily - she was looking forward to her visit to the esoteric bookshop. She didn't know much about these kinds of things - witchcraft and stuff, but she somehow was fascinated by it. Come to think of it, she always had been. But her father had been very religious and he would have killed her if he had known she was interested in witchcraft. So she only had read a couple of books about it when she was a child, at the library; and when she had left home for college, there had been so many other things to think about... Willow for example.
It still hurt to think about her, Tara noticed. It always would, as long as she was - as long as they weren't together. But somehow - there was something about the dream she had had that seemed to allow her to hope. She didn't know exactly what it was, maybe the other Willow, maybe the intensity of the love she had felt in the dream and every day she was with Willow. A love like that couldn't just be - sure, it wasn't wasted, not one day she had spent with her had been wasted, but why could anyone, God or - whoever was responsible for this world - how could they let them be apart when they so obviously belonged together?
She didn't know the answer - not yet. She went to the bathroom, got dressed and then went dowon to grab some breakfast. She was all alone - the others had already left for work or school. Willow and she had often taken advantage of these mornings...stayed in bed really long... Tara smiled dreamily. How was this possible? For months all she could think about that her lover was dead - gone...but now - this morning she had the feeling that she just had to go back upstairs and there she would be waiting for her. It was as if something forced her to be optimistic...she hadn't been for so long she almost didn't know how.
After she had eaten some cereal, she grabbed an apple and then went outside, deciding to walk to the shop. It wasn't that far, and she didn't have much of a choice anyway. She could've used the bike, but she didn't like that that much. And it wasn't as if she didn't have the time to walk. So she let herself warm by the sun, breathed the air that smelled already like spring. Oh my, Tara thought, you're sounding like a character in a kitschy book. But that was just what she felt like...all she needed was a kind of romantic dress and ...well, a nice romantic setting wouldn't have hurt as well.
She imagined Willow walking beside her... through the park, perhaps, the birds singing...she almost felt like singing herself. She had always been very self-conscious about her voice, but Willow had loved to listen to her. So sometimes she had sung to her. First it were only songs she knew from her childhood, but one day she had felt this song inside her...it had felt almost magical. And from then on, she had only sung this song. They had both loved it.
Tara had now arrived at the Mall. She looked at the paper Dawn had written the address on. It wasn't far from here... she took a look around, and then she spotted it. "The Esoteric Bookshop". It was quite small, at least from the outside. Before she entered it, she first peered through the shop window. The shop seemed to be empty except for a man behind the counter. That had to be the owner, she decided. What was his name again? Robert- no, Rupert Giles. Okay, here we go, she thought, and opened the door.
"Hello," she called. Not too loud though, as he wasn't that far away from her. He seemed quite startled. He was wearing glasses, but now he took them off and started cleaning them. "Oh..hello. How can I help you?" He sounded British, and he was rather cute, Tara had to admit. He also had a earring in his left ear, and that although he seemed to be well beyond forty. All in all she had the impression he was a bit odd, and she immediately liked him. And she felt she could trust him and tell him about her dream.
"Yes, I was wondering... I had a s-strange dream the other night, and I was wondering if you c-could help me to figure out what it means?" she asked him.
"A dream? I'm sure we can find the right book for you." He left his place behind the counter and started to make his way to some of the books.
"N-no, actually I was hoping that perhaps you could? H-help me, I mean." Tara hated her stuttering, but she couldn't help it. She was too nervous.
"Well, maybe I - I know a bit about these kind of things. However, you must realize that I am no qualified expert. Perhaps you should rather think of approaching a psychologist or -"
"No! I mean, no, I don't think a psychologist would really be able to help me. I think - I think the dream w-was more than just a message from my subc- conscious." She looked at him, hoping he would understand.
And he apparently did. He put on his glasses again and looked at her with newly awakened interest. "You mean, a message from another spiritual plane?"
"I don't know where this message could come from. That's what I was hoping y-you could help me find out."
"Well, we can at least try. But I have to tell you, I can't promise anything."
"That's all right, really. I'm glad for anything that might - what are you doing?"
He was walking towards the door and put the "Closed" sign into the window. "Beg your pardon?" He turned around.
"I - you don't have to close the shop, I could come back later, when it's closed." Tara didn't want to cause any inconvenience.
"The shop's closed now." He smiled at her in what seemed to be almost a fatherly way. "Would you care for a cup of tea?"
"Yes, that would be great, thank you." She smiled back, feeling far less nervous than before.
"Let's sit down here." He pointed to a corner where there were some chairs that really looked comfortable and then went to get the tea.
"Thank you," she said when he came back, carrying two cups. "I haven't even introduced myself - I'm Tara Maclay."
"Rupert Giles. Glad to meet you, Miss Maclay. So - where do you want to start?"
"I guess I should first tell you something about myself, as I am sure the dream has something to do with what happened during the last year." She glanced at him, he nodded encouragingly. "I'm a university student and I live together with a couple of friends. Until last May, my lover was living with us as well. Willow was - I loved her very much." She looked at him again, wanting to see his reaction. He didn't seem freaked or anything, just a bit surprised maybe.
"Why doesn't she live together with you anymore?"
"She is dead." Tara still hated saying these words. She had only actually said them five times or so, but - she felt terrible saying it. Somehow it made it more real. She knew she was being stupid again.
"I'm sorry." His voice was full of sympathy. "It's - it must have been very hard. How did she die?"
"She was killed. Murdered." She swallowed. "A - a guy we both didn't really know shot her. It seems he w-was obsessed with her, and c-couldn't bear to - he - originally he wanted to shoot me, at least that is what he told the police afterwards." She was silent.
"So - your dream - it had to do with your girlfriend's death?" he asked.
"I guess it did - although - I died in the dream," Tara said. Suddenly feeling shy, she hid her face behind her hair. Long hair really was useful sometimes.
"Did you die yourself or did you watch yourself die?" Giles sounded as if that wasn't more unusual than dreaming about...demons or men with cheese or something.
"I guess I should tell you what happened from the beginning. Of the d- dream, I mean." She smiled nervously. "I felt as if I was in a - a movie or something, watching it and being watched at the same time. But I was comfortable - I was in this room that reminded me of my room - no, that's not quite true. It reminded me of the room Willow and I had had. And then I saw m-myself, dressed like a man, but the clothes, they were - they were oldfashioned, like in those they are wearing in these J-Jane Austen movies?" She stopped to drink some of the tea he had made for her. It tasted good.
"So what happened next?"
"I - the both of me- we were in this kind of ballroom, and there was Willow as well, dressed in one of these oldfashioned - 'gowns', that's what they're called I think. They were dancing and then they were back in the room, m-making love," she blushed slightly, "and then it suddenly was like the day she was shot - someone who sounded like Stephen, that was her murderer's name, someone was banging on the door and they jumped out of the bed and my DreamSelf told Willow to r-run when she opened the door and she ran and then -" She had to stop. Tears were streaming down her face. Giles handed her a handkerchief.
"I am sure this is hard. But please, try to go on," he said in a gentle voice.
"Then my DreamSelf was shot. And then something weird happened...there was another Willow in the room.." she trailed off.
"How did you know she was different?" he asked.
"I don't really know, I felt it? And she was wearing different clothes than the other one had - she - her white shirt, it was full of m-my blood, and - she seemed different, somehow as if she didn't belong to the dream. I don't know how to explain... and then the other Willow came back, and there were two of them, and two of me, but we didn't interact. Willow, the one with the gown, she shot my murderer and then she embraced my b-body and...Oh!" She sat up straight and wiped the tears from her eyes, remembering something she had almost forgotten.
"What is it?"
"I forgot to tell you something...the whole time, during the whole dream I mean, I heard Willow's voice saying something that sounded like a poem or the lyrics of a song. And then, after my DreamSelf was dead, I heard my own voice. It said "and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death." And then I woke up."
"The 'Sonnets from the Portuguese'", Giles said.
Tara just looked at him, failing to understand.
"The poem, it's from a collection of love poems by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, called 'Sonnets from the Portuguese'. Does that remind you of something?"
"That I should've paid more attention during my English lessons? No, I don't think I've ever heard it before." She sounded a bit apologetically.
"Never mind. Then we can exclude the possibility that you heard it because you remembered it from somewhere." He took off his glasses again, a thoughtful expression on his face.
"What does that mean?" she asked.
"Well, it could mean that the words itself are important. But I don't know for sure. Let me just..." He stood up and left her sitting there, disappearing into what seemed to be his office. When he hadn't come back after half an hour, Tara got a bit worried.
"Er, Mr Giles?" she called.
Nothing. She tried again. "Mr Giles?"
He poked his head out of his office. "Oh, I'm sorry. Could you wait a minute or something? I think I found something useful."
"Can I help you somehow?"
"No, just wait some more, I'll - just - this passage..." his voice trailed off and he returned to his books. Tara smiled and made herself comfortable. He really was nice.
She was leafing through a book about witchcraft that had been lying on a table next to the chairs when he came back. The book was really good, it seemed different to the ones Anya had at her bookshop. It wasn't so much about the 'herstory of witchcraft' and women's empowerment - it seemed as if this was a real spellbook... but it didn't seem to be a beginner's book.
"You are a witch?" Giles sounded surprised.
She looked up. "Oh, no, I'm not, I'm just - it was lying here and I was just curious..."
"Hm. Did you understand any of it?" He seemed to be excited somehow, and Tara didn't understand it.
"Sure, I mean, I read some of the spells and stuff, but they seem to be pretty difficult. I mean, not that I'm an expert, I just have this feeling...what is it?" She was confused. He now had a very odd look in his eyes.
"Nothing, it's merely - interesting that you are - er - interested in witchcraft, that's all. But now to the reason you came here..."
"Yes?" she asked expectantly.
"I think I found something that could help explain your dream. But first I have to ask you something...."
She waited.
"How much did you love her?"