A/N: Early morning, woken up from a weird dream and listening to Savage Garden. I have been searching for an inspiration for while now, and finally I found it.
This fic is Glühen based and therefore contains spoilers for the ending of the series. There also are slight hints to the Side B manga, but not too much, because I have been too lazy to actually find the scans or read the translations through and through.
The song, after hearing it for the first time in a while, immediately reminded me of the ending of Glühen. It is 'I don't know you anymore' by Savage Garden and obviously does not belong to me.
* * *
Past Forgotten, Past Denied
Yoji wasn't the same anymore, so he had heard. He had a new life now, new name. Everything that had once been reality to him had been wiped out from his memory. There was nothing left. So he had heard. And he needed to know for sure.
Ryo. Itou Ryo was Yoji's name nowadays. It still was useful having the ability to contact Kritiker and ask them for information, no matter how dead he himself was claimed to be. Of course it was not an easy task to convince the Kritiker spokesperson on the phone that he indeed was the same Fujimiya, who had once been Weiß and died twice. Once only on paper and the second time for real. Almost.
Ran glanced at the payphone in front of him and then at the small piece of paper with a telephone-number written on it. He could call Yoji. He could, but the blonde wouldn't know who he was, and Ran wasn't sure if that was what he wanted to hear. Maybe it would just be for the best to leave Yoji alone and let him live on with his new life. It would be too painful for the both of them to dig up all the memories and open all the closed wounds.
The paper was stuffed back into the pocket of his coat. No, he couldn't call, not yet. He couldn't interfere. Hadn't Yoji said he wanted to forget? It was back in Koua Academy when the two of them were talking, or more likely when Ran had been nagging to Yoji about something he now couldn't remember, that Yoji had brought the subject up. He had asked if Ran had ever thought about what it would be like to forget. Yoji had wanted to.
But then, when Tsuji had offered the same chance to Ran, he had said that a man who does not live with his past is as good as dead and Yoji had thought about it again. He did suffer from it, he offered to be the one to suffer the most of it. Yoji had sworn to live on.
The choice had not been his.
Ran took a deep breath and searched for the paper. He looked at the line of numbers on it, confused whether or not to use them. For a brief moment he closed his eyes and dropped few coins to the machine.
His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to settle his breath, while listening to the dialing-tone.
There was a brief silence when the tone ended and then a voice Ran couldn't mistake to anyone else, answered.
"Yoji?" Ran asked carefully and the other end was quiet.
"I'm Ryo... Now," Yoji's voice said and Ran's heart quickened its pace a little.
"Do you remember?"
"Bits and pieces. It is all there in tiny shreds."
"Do you know me?"
There was a silence, longer than the previous ones. Ran had to swallow the lump in his throat a couple of times before he was ready to hear the answer.
"Ran."
/ I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break/
"Yes. Yes, it's me," Ran welcomed the statement. The urge to dive through the telephone line back to Tokyo and to embrace Yoji, telling him that he had missed everything the two of them had shared was great, but sadly it couldn't be done. He could only smile a sad, little smile to himself before he opened his mouth again to ask what he had intended to.
"Can I see you?"
"Why?"
Why? Because he had missed the blonde more than anything about his old life. He knew Aya-chan was doing well in the shop and he knew he could call her anytime, but Yoji... Ran had had absolutely no idea if the man was even alive.
"I would like to see you. That's why."
"I can't."
Ran drew a quick breath. He had been prepared to hear this. He could understand Yoji's feelings, or at least felt like he could.
"I see."
"I'm sorry."
"No, I understand."
Ran hung up the phone and walked out of the train-station.
/We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter/
What had he expected? That Yoji had suddenly come to realize that he had been an assassin in his previous life and that he had a red-haired lover still waiting for him? Yes, somewhere deep inside, Ran had hoped that it would have happened, but having the tendency to be realistic he had pushed the thought aside.
If not that, then what? Acceptance, probably. He wished that Yoji could at least have accepted to get to know Ran again. Why had he held such high expectations, anyway? Amnesia was a death of one sort and it was as smart asking someone with the aforementioned shadow hanging over them to remember as it was to ask a dead person come back to life. Where was the realistic way of thinking, now?
He had hoped that it would not have been true. A part of him still wanted to go on as an assassin of Weiß and as a florist in Koneko no Sumu Ie. Most of all he wanted to be with the other three.
/I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me/
If Yoji remembered bits and pieces did it mean that he remembered the promises made in the collapsing Koua Academy? Ran had broken his. He hadn't remained waiting, even though he had promised to. Maybe if he had, things would not have gone this way. Maybe if he had, Yoji had remembered.
Maybe he should stop being so naïve.
What good would it have done if he by any chance could have met Yoji? Neither one of them knew each other anymore. No matter how sad it was, it was the truth.
/Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name/
He could picture the meeting easily; sitting in the living room of a house he had never been in before and trying to act like he believed that Yoji belonged there. Watching all the unknown faces from photos Yoji's wife had put up and ask polite questions about the relatives in them. To be unable to have Yoji.
He was Ryo now, and he lived on as Ryo. He had said he would live on and had held onto that. Ran had no right to interfere.
/We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again/
He could always keep remembering and longing, though. Like now, that what he missed the most were the moments before the dawn when they had held each other and just talked. Most of the times there was no real, deep meaning in the conversation, but there were exceptions. Few, yes, but still. Each spoken word in moments like those had brought the two closer to each other. Sound of the other's voice or the look in his eyes had often told more than just the words. There had been a connection between them and no words were necessary then.
Now the connection was gone and they were both running into different directions. Yoji to his future, hoping that his past could remain a mystery and Ran back to the past, hoping to re-live his mistakes, just to make them undone and so save himself from the future of pain.
Those paths would never meet. They would both have to turn around and accept the present as it was. Only then Ran could see the one he missed. Ifs and buts could be so wonderful at times.
* * *
/Springtime in the city
Always such a relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold, if you know what I mean/
The warmth of the sun, which called the world back to life fell down to Ran's back as he sat on a park-bench, a piece of worn-out paper in his hands. The paper itself had seen it's best days a while ago, but the number on it was still clear enough to read. It had been a while.
There was a phone-box just across the bench he was sitting on, but it still felt odd just to pick up the phone and call the number on the paper. Ran couldn't remember exactly how it had been back in the winter when he had called the number for the first and most likely the last time.
It wasn't that difficult to stand up and walk to the phone. The reply was the only thing that frightened Ran.
/Everyone's got an agenda
Don't stop keep that chin up, you'll be alright/
He would not have needed to look the number from the paper, so many times he had read it, but still he held it in front of him when he picked the number and listened to the dialing-tone. It felt like he still was in the train-station, shivering from the midwinter wind.
A female voice answered this time.
"Itou Asuka?" Ran asked.
"Yes," was the reply.
"I- Is your husband there?"
"Oh, he is on his way home from work, should be here anytime- there he is, hold on a moment, please."
Ran had enough time to take a deep breath before he heard Yoji's voice again.
"Itou Ryo," Yoji introduced himself.
"Yoji," Ran began, "Sorry I called again."
"You shouldn't have."
"I'm sorry. How are you?"
"Better. The puzzle is still unsolved. I'm tired of it. I think I'll give up."
Ran was quiet. It was so odd talking to Yoji like a stranger. It felt so meaningless.
"I have been missing you," he admitted, silently. He could almost hear the confused look on Yoji's face.
"My memory hasn't come back, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't remind me of my past. I think it is for the best if it is left like it is," Yoji asked, his voice now cold and distant. It sent shivers down Ran's spine.
"I'm sorry."
/Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?/
"I- You still don't want me to meet you, am I right?" Speaking out the words made Ran to get himself together and put on the mask he had worn long ago, when killing or being otherwise cold and determinate. It made him sound like the answer didn't matter.
"No."
"I understand."
"Goodbye, Ran," Yoji said. His voice was low, almost a whisper. The voice Ran remembered from those meaningless conversations before the dawn. It made his heart clench.
"Goodbye, Yoji."
He hung up the phone.
/I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying it every day/
He could have apologized for so many things. He could have explained so many things.
It was for the best to leave it be. Better one man with a broken heart and painful memories than two. Ran was not the one with more fortunate cards and so he was the one left with the pain. At least Yoji was happy with his life.
It was time to go on, anyhow.
He could always apologize all those things in his dreams.
He could always see Yoji there.
/I see your face
I see your face/
But dreams were not the reality. That was a fact he had to learn to live with. The path of killing was laid out before him. It was the path he was supposed to take.
No time for feeling; for a killer it was useless.
No time for memories; it was no use remembering dying faces.
No time for regret.
Never.
~ Owari ~
This fic is Glühen based and therefore contains spoilers for the ending of the series. There also are slight hints to the Side B manga, but not too much, because I have been too lazy to actually find the scans or read the translations through and through.
The song, after hearing it for the first time in a while, immediately reminded me of the ending of Glühen. It is 'I don't know you anymore' by Savage Garden and obviously does not belong to me.
* * *
Past Forgotten, Past Denied
Yoji wasn't the same anymore, so he had heard. He had a new life now, new name. Everything that had once been reality to him had been wiped out from his memory. There was nothing left. So he had heard. And he needed to know for sure.
Ryo. Itou Ryo was Yoji's name nowadays. It still was useful having the ability to contact Kritiker and ask them for information, no matter how dead he himself was claimed to be. Of course it was not an easy task to convince the Kritiker spokesperson on the phone that he indeed was the same Fujimiya, who had once been Weiß and died twice. Once only on paper and the second time for real. Almost.
Ran glanced at the payphone in front of him and then at the small piece of paper with a telephone-number written on it. He could call Yoji. He could, but the blonde wouldn't know who he was, and Ran wasn't sure if that was what he wanted to hear. Maybe it would just be for the best to leave Yoji alone and let him live on with his new life. It would be too painful for the both of them to dig up all the memories and open all the closed wounds.
The paper was stuffed back into the pocket of his coat. No, he couldn't call, not yet. He couldn't interfere. Hadn't Yoji said he wanted to forget? It was back in Koua Academy when the two of them were talking, or more likely when Ran had been nagging to Yoji about something he now couldn't remember, that Yoji had brought the subject up. He had asked if Ran had ever thought about what it would be like to forget. Yoji had wanted to.
But then, when Tsuji had offered the same chance to Ran, he had said that a man who does not live with his past is as good as dead and Yoji had thought about it again. He did suffer from it, he offered to be the one to suffer the most of it. Yoji had sworn to live on.
The choice had not been his.
Ran took a deep breath and searched for the paper. He looked at the line of numbers on it, confused whether or not to use them. For a brief moment he closed his eyes and dropped few coins to the machine.
His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to settle his breath, while listening to the dialing-tone.
There was a brief silence when the tone ended and then a voice Ran couldn't mistake to anyone else, answered.
"Yoji?" Ran asked carefully and the other end was quiet.
"I'm Ryo... Now," Yoji's voice said and Ran's heart quickened its pace a little.
"Do you remember?"
"Bits and pieces. It is all there in tiny shreds."
"Do you know me?"
There was a silence, longer than the previous ones. Ran had to swallow the lump in his throat a couple of times before he was ready to hear the answer.
"Ran."
/ I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break/
"Yes. Yes, it's me," Ran welcomed the statement. The urge to dive through the telephone line back to Tokyo and to embrace Yoji, telling him that he had missed everything the two of them had shared was great, but sadly it couldn't be done. He could only smile a sad, little smile to himself before he opened his mouth again to ask what he had intended to.
"Can I see you?"
"Why?"
Why? Because he had missed the blonde more than anything about his old life. He knew Aya-chan was doing well in the shop and he knew he could call her anytime, but Yoji... Ran had had absolutely no idea if the man was even alive.
"I would like to see you. That's why."
"I can't."
Ran drew a quick breath. He had been prepared to hear this. He could understand Yoji's feelings, or at least felt like he could.
"I see."
"I'm sorry."
"No, I understand."
Ran hung up the phone and walked out of the train-station.
/We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter/
What had he expected? That Yoji had suddenly come to realize that he had been an assassin in his previous life and that he had a red-haired lover still waiting for him? Yes, somewhere deep inside, Ran had hoped that it would have happened, but having the tendency to be realistic he had pushed the thought aside.
If not that, then what? Acceptance, probably. He wished that Yoji could at least have accepted to get to know Ran again. Why had he held such high expectations, anyway? Amnesia was a death of one sort and it was as smart asking someone with the aforementioned shadow hanging over them to remember as it was to ask a dead person come back to life. Where was the realistic way of thinking, now?
He had hoped that it would not have been true. A part of him still wanted to go on as an assassin of Weiß and as a florist in Koneko no Sumu Ie. Most of all he wanted to be with the other three.
/I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me/
If Yoji remembered bits and pieces did it mean that he remembered the promises made in the collapsing Koua Academy? Ran had broken his. He hadn't remained waiting, even though he had promised to. Maybe if he had, things would not have gone this way. Maybe if he had, Yoji had remembered.
Maybe he should stop being so naïve.
What good would it have done if he by any chance could have met Yoji? Neither one of them knew each other anymore. No matter how sad it was, it was the truth.
/Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name/
He could picture the meeting easily; sitting in the living room of a house he had never been in before and trying to act like he believed that Yoji belonged there. Watching all the unknown faces from photos Yoji's wife had put up and ask polite questions about the relatives in them. To be unable to have Yoji.
He was Ryo now, and he lived on as Ryo. He had said he would live on and had held onto that. Ran had no right to interfere.
/We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again/
He could always keep remembering and longing, though. Like now, that what he missed the most were the moments before the dawn when they had held each other and just talked. Most of the times there was no real, deep meaning in the conversation, but there were exceptions. Few, yes, but still. Each spoken word in moments like those had brought the two closer to each other. Sound of the other's voice or the look in his eyes had often told more than just the words. There had been a connection between them and no words were necessary then.
Now the connection was gone and they were both running into different directions. Yoji to his future, hoping that his past could remain a mystery and Ran back to the past, hoping to re-live his mistakes, just to make them undone and so save himself from the future of pain.
Those paths would never meet. They would both have to turn around and accept the present as it was. Only then Ran could see the one he missed. Ifs and buts could be so wonderful at times.
* * *
/Springtime in the city
Always such a relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold, if you know what I mean/
The warmth of the sun, which called the world back to life fell down to Ran's back as he sat on a park-bench, a piece of worn-out paper in his hands. The paper itself had seen it's best days a while ago, but the number on it was still clear enough to read. It had been a while.
There was a phone-box just across the bench he was sitting on, but it still felt odd just to pick up the phone and call the number on the paper. Ran couldn't remember exactly how it had been back in the winter when he had called the number for the first and most likely the last time.
It wasn't that difficult to stand up and walk to the phone. The reply was the only thing that frightened Ran.
/Everyone's got an agenda
Don't stop keep that chin up, you'll be alright/
He would not have needed to look the number from the paper, so many times he had read it, but still he held it in front of him when he picked the number and listened to the dialing-tone. It felt like he still was in the train-station, shivering from the midwinter wind.
A female voice answered this time.
"Itou Asuka?" Ran asked.
"Yes," was the reply.
"I- Is your husband there?"
"Oh, he is on his way home from work, should be here anytime- there he is, hold on a moment, please."
Ran had enough time to take a deep breath before he heard Yoji's voice again.
"Itou Ryo," Yoji introduced himself.
"Yoji," Ran began, "Sorry I called again."
"You shouldn't have."
"I'm sorry. How are you?"
"Better. The puzzle is still unsolved. I'm tired of it. I think I'll give up."
Ran was quiet. It was so odd talking to Yoji like a stranger. It felt so meaningless.
"I have been missing you," he admitted, silently. He could almost hear the confused look on Yoji's face.
"My memory hasn't come back, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't remind me of my past. I think it is for the best if it is left like it is," Yoji asked, his voice now cold and distant. It sent shivers down Ran's spine.
"I'm sorry."
/Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?/
"I- You still don't want me to meet you, am I right?" Speaking out the words made Ran to get himself together and put on the mask he had worn long ago, when killing or being otherwise cold and determinate. It made him sound like the answer didn't matter.
"No."
"I understand."
"Goodbye, Ran," Yoji said. His voice was low, almost a whisper. The voice Ran remembered from those meaningless conversations before the dawn. It made his heart clench.
"Goodbye, Yoji."
He hung up the phone.
/I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying it every day/
He could have apologized for so many things. He could have explained so many things.
It was for the best to leave it be. Better one man with a broken heart and painful memories than two. Ran was not the one with more fortunate cards and so he was the one left with the pain. At least Yoji was happy with his life.
It was time to go on, anyhow.
He could always apologize all those things in his dreams.
He could always see Yoji there.
/I see your face
I see your face/
But dreams were not the reality. That was a fact he had to learn to live with. The path of killing was laid out before him. It was the path he was supposed to take.
No time for feeling; for a killer it was useless.
No time for memories; it was no use remembering dying faces.
No time for regret.
Never.
~ Owari ~