Disclaimer: I must not admit that I own everything. I must be good and pretend Rowling owns it all. Must behave.


The Irresistible Potions Master

by: Serenthia


Snape, groggy, opened his eyes and let the sunlight filter down on him. Sunlight? There was no sunlight down in his dungeons! He lifted his head and frowned. He was in the wretched hospital wing. A place he had spent countless hours in because of hexes and curses and broken bones he had endured from Black and his merry little gang. Okay, so most of those had been self-inflicted to get the annoying gits into trouble. And it had worked. Snape smirked at his own evilness and then frowned. The Dark Lord's smirks were better than his.

"How are you doing?" asked a strange voice.

Snape moved his head toward the speaker and frowned even deeper. Something was wrong. Something... Oh no! Madam Pomfrey was... she was... she was looking at him with those eyes! Those eyes that everyone had always used to look at him with. Those eyes that meant the person wanted to... to pinch his cheeks! Except, Snape didn't think it was his face cheeks Pomfrey wanted to pinch. Not with her licking her lips like she was.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Snape screamed.

"Oh," Pomfrey said, startled only slightly.

Snape sat up in his bed and bolted from it. Only to discover he was wearing nothing but black boxer shorts and he didn't own black boxer shorts.

"You! You!" he gasped, not liking how Pomfrey's eyes were glued to his body.

Cursed his working out to keep in shape so he could swoop around the castle with no effort and run as fast as he could from place to place so the students would fear him popping up everywhere.

"It was Dumbledore," Pomfrey said, disappointed, "he wouldn't even let me look."

"Argh!" Snape gasped and darted to the chair that held his black robe.

He yanked the robe over his head and Pomfrey wrinkled her nose.

"It's a shame to cover such a fine physique," she lamented.

Snape bared his teeth at her and she... swooned.

"Oh, you're such a bad boy," she giggled.

This was not happening. This was not happening. Pomfrey was supposed to bare her teeth back at him, make a snippy comment, and send him packing!

"Where is Dumbledore?" He asked, trying to control his breathing.

Pomfrey shrugged her shoulders and moved to stand near the door. "In his office. I'll take you there."

"I can find it myself, thank you," Snape spat and Pomfrey giggled again.

Walking by her proved to be a bad idea. She spanked him. Right on his butt.

"Firm," she said, wagging her eyebrows.

Snape glared at her which only made her eyebrows waggle even worse. Cursing the Dark Lord, Snape hurried out of the hospital wing. Luckily, with it being summer break, no one was here.

Dumbledore was not sympathetic to his plight.

"You're an odd duck," Dumbledore had said as Snape opened his door, prepared for some solacing words.

"What?" Snape asked.

Dumbledore stared at him and then shook his head. "Severus, you're highly attractive. Downright beautiful. So why the charade?"

"Look at me," Snape said, though Dumbledore hadn't ceased to look at him. "How am I supposed to take over the word with a mug like this?"

Dumbledore frowned. "I thought you had given up that little scheme?"

Snape shrugged, plopping down into a nearby chair. "I have for the most part. I can dream, can't I?"

Dumbledore rolled his eyes. "Of course. Back to the point at hand."

Snape let his body go limp and sighed deeply. "When I was a child," he sniffed, "no matter how evil I acted, no matter how insulting, everyone just... just pinched my cheeks and told me I was soooo cuuuuute! Nothing worked. I wanted to be seen as evil so I put a charm on myself on the train to Hogwarts that first year to appear ugly and yes! It worked. Everyone hated and loathed me. My insults got me slapped, my sneers made me enemies, and my sarcasm got me detention. It was great! Until I had to go home for summer vacation and take the charm off! It was terrible! The pinches, the looks, the... cute clothes they tried to make me wear. But I disowned myself in seventh year and haven't been back home since. But now! This has been done to me. My life is over. People will be nice to me again and... they won't fear me anymore."

Dumbledore stared at him. And stared. And stared. "Hmmm. I seemed to have been mistaken about you. You are insane."

Snape snorted. "I've been telling you that for years."

"Well, yes," Dumbledore said, affronted, "but I thought you were joking with me."

Snape folded his arms and glared at the Headmaster. "I never joke. I'm always serious..." and then Snape's lip quivered and he buried his face into his hands. "I miss him! He could have taught me so much about being evil! But no! I had to do the good thing and join you."

"Voldemort is evil and I'm good," Dumbledore said, repeating a mantra he often repeated whenever Snape got depressed about not being with the Dark Lord anymore. "Voldemort is evil and I'm good."

"I know that," Snape spat and then sniffed. "I would never turn back to him and I'm glad I joined your side but you know... my emotions sometimes get the better of me."

Dumbledore nodded his head in understanding and handed Snape a clean handkerchief. "There, there, my little psychopathic potions Master. It'll be okay."

"You could be a little more sinister, you know," Snape said. "I'm sure you have it in you."

Dumbledore shook his head. "I'm a goody-two-shoes, Severus. So," Dumbledore said, waving a black piece of paper at him, "this is from Voldemort. The charm he broke can't be redone. You're stuck like this."

Snape had figured that. The Dark Lord never did half measures. "Argh!," he said. "He's trying to break my will. And it... might work!"

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair. "Severus, you're going to have to teach still," Snape cringed, "and we have a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix tonight. Everyone will be there, even Harry who is now staying with the Weasley's, the entire Weasley clan, Bill and Charlie are now living in England to help fight against Voldemort, and the old crowd. And you will have to come."

Snape would rather break his arm. Which he had done before to get Black detention. Maybe it would work.

"And no breaking your bones," Dumbledore interrupted his thoughts.

Snape glared at Dumbledore. Everyone was going to see him. There went his teaching ability, there went his ability to scare his students or anyone for that matter, there went his fun!

"You're mean," Snape groused and folded his arms across his chest.

"I know," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling. "It will be fun to see everyone's reaction to you, my dear boy."

Snape glared at him. Life wasn't fair. But the Dark Lord wasn't going to win. Snape was going to prove to him that he could handle being attractive. The Dard Lord was just hoping Snape would crawl back to him on his hands and knees to get the charm back on him but he wasn't going to. Snape was stronger than that.

"You are one good looking man," Dumbledore said and then whistled. "If only I were a woman," he said, shaking his head. "And much younger," Dumbledore said and then began eyeing his books and Snape, to his horror, noticed Dumbledore was gazing at the shelf full of books on youth potions and sex changing potions.

Snape was in so much trouble.