Disclaimer: I must not admit that I own everything. I must be good and pretend Rowling owns it all. Must behave.


Author's Note: My dear children, I have not mentioned the way Snape looks on purpose. It has to do with the plot. And weeping and gnashing your teeth will not help you any.


Second Author's Note: Snape, my dear friends, is psychotic. The way he acts in this story is simply based on the way he acted in the first three books. He was a tad out of character in the fourth book, however. Hardly anything he said made me crack up. Am I the only one that finds him hilarious? Him and Voldemort are the two funniest characters in the entire set of books. Bow to them!

The Irresistible Potions Master

by: Serenthia


Snape hated Dumbledore. That was all there was to it. The crazy old fool had decided that it would be CUTE if Snape wore a robe in a different color besides his usual black. Black was the essence. Black was good. And here he was, wearing a robe in a color that was not black. It didn't matter that it was so dark, it looked black, it wasn't black. Dumbledore was going to pay.

Dumbledore rubbed his hands together and glanced at Snape with a satisfied look. "You have very pretty eyes," he said, trying, like he had been all day, to seduce Snape.

"Say that again and I'll poison you," Snape spat.

Dumbledore chuckled. "Such a spit-fire."

Snape dug his fingers into his palms, trying to calm himself, while he and Dumbledore walked the remaining of the way to the Weasley's shack. His life was falling down around his ears. Even Dumbledore, the one person who knew how truly evil he was, was no longer taking him seriously. Before, when he had been nice and ugly, Dumbledore had glared at him when he got out of hand, which was good, and had even told him off occasionally when he really got out of hand, which was even better, but not anymore. Oh no! It was just a chuckle here, a chuckle there, and a pat on the head for being so cute when Snape tried to be sinister and evil! And the old fool was even trying to seduce him. People just didn't try to seduce Severus Snape! It was wrong. And nasty.

They made it to the door and Dumbledore raised his hand to knock. "I warned them that you had undergone some facial changes due to Voldemort. They've promised to be kind."

"That's the problem!" Snape said. "I don't want them to be nice to me!" he whined. "I'm evil. People shouldn't be nice to evil people."

Dumbledore glanced at him and shook his head. "Are you sure you weren't dropped on your head as a baby?"

"Hah!" Snape said. "I was so cute that I was never allowed out of anyone's arms! I didn't even learn to walk until I was two because everyone kept carrying me everywhere. I finally had to take my diaper off when no one was looking and pee on the person carrying me around so she'd put me down and let me learn to walk! It worked. For a little while," Snape sighed.

Dumbledore made a sound in his throat and finally knocked on the door.

It was opened and Mad-Eye Moody stood there. Moody looked at him and Snape had to fight from looking away. Who cared if Moody guessed that he was secretly in love with the evilness of the Dark Lord. It wasn't like he was in love with the Dark Lord himself, just the aura of evilness that hung around him.

"Whose this?" Moody asked.

Dumbledore looked at Snape, his blue eyes twinkling like mad, and then at Moody. "This is Professor Snape," he said, loud enough for everyone in the entire house, even the ones upstairs, to hear.

Moody's eye whizzed around and he gaped at Snape. He moved aside and Dumbledore grabbed Snape's sleeve and jerked him inside. Everyone was staring at them.

Mrs. Weasley's face was flushed, Granger was slack-jawed, Black's eyes were popping, Lupin looked thunder-struck, Potter looked amazed, and Ron Weasley looked ticked (his eyes kept darting to the Granger girl), and everyone else's reaction were the same as theirs.

Snape scowled and stomped to an empty seat and threw himself into it. Except something had already been there. Snape jumped up. A hand was laying on his seat, looking innocent, something he didn't know hands could look like. He looked up to see the owner of the hand, old Mrs. Figg, smiling at him.

"I'm old, not dead," she said, eyeing him up and down.

"Pervert," Snape bit out.

"You don't know the half of it," Mrs. Figg agreed.

Potter choked, looking at Mrs. Figg like he had been doused in cold water. "You're.. you're a babysitter!"

Mrs. Figg blew Potter a kiss and then puckered her lips at Snape. "Just a quick one."

"Dumbledore!" he screeched.

"Everyone, leave Severus alone. He's had a traumatic day, as it is," Dumbledore said, and sat next to Snape.

Snape moved his chair closer to Dumbledore's, possibly a bad idea given the possessive glares Dumbledore was sending to everyone, and waited for the meeting to start.

All the females kept looking at Snape throughout and it didn't matter how meanly he looked at them, they wouldn't stop. Ron Weasley, however, looked ready to murder him and Potter just looked blank, though his eyes would occasionally travel to Mrs. Figg and he would then make sure his robe was covering his entire body. They were the only unaffected males, though. The rest either looked... interested, something Snape tried not to think about, or like they wanted to get all his secrets so they too, could become lady-killer's. Even Black was losing his loathe-filled stare.

"Sev, here..." Dumbledore started to say.

"IT'S SEVERUS!" Snape shrieked. "I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU PERMISSION TO SHORTEN MY NAME! I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU USING SEVERUS INSTEAD OF SNAPE!"

"There, there," Dumbledore soothed, patting Snape's leg.

Snape jerked his leg away when Dumbledore's hand started to creep upwards. Perverts! He was surrounded my old perverts!

"You certainly can scream," Mrs. Figg said, looking like she wanted to use the information for something.

Snape shot up, unable to handle this, and glared at everyone. Granger was drooling, the front of her robe completely soaked, Ron Weasley was red as a beet (smoke almost coming out of his ears he was so steamed), and Potter was staring at Mrs. Figg in absolute horror. While none of the adults present were drooling, though Mr. Weasley kept wiping Mrs. Weasley's chin, they were still staring at him with infatuation.

"I'M EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!," and he pulled up his sleeve to show them the Dark Mark. "SEE!"

"You poor baby!" Mrs. Weasley screeched. "That must have hurt so much to get it. Come here and let mommy make it all better for you."

The females were all tearing up and puckering their lips at them, the males were all sniffing sympathetically (except Ron Weasley and Harry Potter), and Dumbledore was getting annoyed.

"You better leave, Severus," Dumbledore said. "You can," he said, eyeing Snape's tall body, "go to Hogwarts and wait for me in my rooms."

"I don't think so," Snape spat.

Dumbledore eyes flashed merrily and Snape cringed. Great, Dumbledore thought he was playing hard to get.

"I'll... go... somewhere," Snape said, turned and ran for the door as fast as he could.

He made it without incident and rushed to a graveyard where everyone was too dead to care how attractive he was. How was he going to handle being a teacher? Well, adults were generally more forward than teenagers so he would just have to avoid all the adults at Hogwarts. Granger, Weasley, and Potter hadn't tried anything tonight so maybe he would be safe, though he was going to have to get Granger a bib. He dearly hoped he would be okay at Hogwarts.