Title: Half of my soul and all of my heart
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-) And this is becoming B/S as well, it seems.
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then. And if you have no idea about Season Three of Angel you'll be spoilt as well...so don't come running to me *lol*
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey. And there may be quotes from the show included in this story - I haven't really marked them, but if it sounds familiar - I mean it as an homage, I don't wanna violate any copyright, really. Please don't sue me!
Feedback: Yes please!!! I really appreciate it.
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Welcome back...
***
Tara gladly returned Dawn's hug, burying her face in her hair. "Hey Dawnie," she said.
Dawn didn't reply. She was happier than she had ever been, holding on to Tara as if she feared she would be gone if she let go. She was fighting back her tears, not being very successful. She closed her eyes and got lost in their embrace. She realized how much she had missed her - the only person who had really understood her - tried to understand her.
After watching them for a while, Willow got a bit uneasy. "Um, not that I want to interrupt - actually I want to..."
Dawn finally let go of her friend, grinning at Tara, who smiled back at her in return. "No need to be jealous, Willow," Dawn told her. "I just - I can't believe you're here."
"So you missed me?" Tara asked, mockingly.
"Maybe." Dawn wiped away the tears that had somehow managed to escape. She turned around and saw Buffy, Anya, Faith, Giles and Xander standing at the door, the two men somehow shuffling their feet, not really knowing what to do.
Anya did not have such problems, though. She went over to Tara and drew her into a quick embrace. "I am so glad you are here. You know me, right? Is there another me? I'm Anya," she offered, noticing the somewhat bewildered, but amused look on Tara's face.
"Of course I know you - although I was positive you were - singular, you know?" She smiled at her. "It's good to see you - or should I say meet you?"
They didn't have the time to sort this out, as Buffy had grown impatient by then and pushed Anya aside. Almost gently. She just looked at Tara for a moment. "Hey," she greeted her.
"Hey," Tara replied.
"So - everything went fine? With the challenge and all?" Buffy suddenly wasn't sure what to do after all. Before she could start shuffling her feet, however, Tara hugged her. Buffy remembered all the other times Tara had hugged her, and she felt a huge wave of comfort almost overwhelming her. Again, she knew everything was going to be alright. She let go of her, smiling happily. "I'm glad you're here."
"So am I." Tara looked over Buffy's shoulder, noticing Faith. She also saw how nervous the other Slayer seemed, how she wasn't really looking at her. So Tara simply went over to her, offering her her hand. "Hi Faith," she said.
Faith hesitated for a moment, then she took her hand. "Hi," she replied, not knowing what else to say. Instead she mimicked the guys and smiled briefly at Tara. She cursed herself for not being able to - to be nicer, because she really wanted to be. Tara was about the only person who didn't really know her yet and who might become something like a friend... which she really wanted her to become. There was something about her that gave her the feeling she could trust her completely. Something she hadn't experienced that often before. And yet here she was, wasting the opportunity...
Tara looked a bit confused, but she smiled back at her. Then she let go of Faith's hand, finally turning to Giles and Xander to greet them as well. Willow joined her as she was then standing at the door.
"Don't you want to get in?" she asked her lover.
Tara turned to her, for a moment unable to move or speak. It was all so overwhelming...meeting those people who were so much like her friends, and yet so different...and Willow was with her. That thought scared and comforted her at the same time. She still hadn't worked out how to react to Willow's actions after she had been murdered. But she probably wasn't going to do that while standing at the Summers's door, so she might as well get in. She smiled at Willow and reached out for her hand. The comfort was definitely the dominant one of her feelings.
***
After she had greeted the remaining people who had stayed inside - Spike, Andrew and the potentials - Tara had no idea what to do next. She felt she really needed time to think, but she didn't want to leave the others - they were all so happy she was back. She had sat down on the couch, Willow beside her, Dawn at her feet. It felt so good to be with them - with Willow - but at the same time Tara had the feeling of not being able to breathe freely. They sat like this in silence for a while, until Tara couldn't bear it any longer. She didn't want to worry them though, so she turned to Willow.
"Um, do you think I - I mean, I really would like to take a shower or something. Do you think - are there any clothes of me left? Or is there anything else I could wear?"
"Sure, I mean, I kept some...there are a couple in my room...I couldn't...you know?" Willow blushed. Buffy and Dawn had given away most of the clothes they had found in her dorm room, but when she returned from England, Willow had been relieved when she found they had kept Tara's favourites.
"I know. I kept some of you as well." Willow smiled at that, but at the same time she felt a sting in her heart. Tara's answer reminded her that although she was Tara in a way, she also was not...and that thought scared her somehow. What if the Willow Tara had loved had been - different than she was? Very different...that Willow probably hadn't been a junkie, hadn't been a - she stopped herself. You need to relax, she told herself. They would just have to get to know each other, and Tara had told her that the witch would always love her princess...that thought calmed her a bit. And just knowing that Tara was sitting next to her... somehow everything was going to be alright. She sighed.
"What is it?" Tara asked.
"Nothing," Willow replied quickly. "Um, shower...let's go upstairs, I'll get you your clothes." With that she stood up.
Tara followed her. She could feel her lover's fear, her insecurity - or was it her own? She didn't care, instead she took Willow's hand as they went upstairs, trying to reassure her. She hated herself for not being able to act - normally...for not being able to just kiss her and tell her everything was okay and would be... she also hated herself for having felt a rush of relief when Andrew had interrupted them on the street. But she knew that if she was going to kiss Willow, it shouldn't be because she wanted to reassure her. She probably just needed some time... which wasn't really surprising, as she had just come her - returned? - from another dimension. She tried to push that thought away... it hurt to think of the others... but still she wondered what they were doing, feeling right now.
Willow noticed Tara was lost in thought. She didn't interrupt her. Instead she gently squeezed her hand and then let go of it to get Tara's clothes.
When she returned she was carrying a red tank top, a pair of pajama pants and some underwair. She was a bit embarrassed about the fact that she had kept the latter, but then again...she handed them to Tara. "I thought - if you are tired... I mean you told me beofre you were...if you want non - insleepable clothes, I -"
"Thank you," Tara replied, touching Willow's hand for a second, who continued, "There are some towels in the bathroom. You can use any shampoo or soap you like...there's tons of it. A lot to choose from."
Tara smiled. "I guess that's what happens when there's a house full of girls."
"Exactly. Um, I'll be downstairs, right?" Willow had to fight her urge to ask her if she could join her... she knew that would just rush things, and anyway, Tara would probably tell her no, and she didn't know how she would be able to bear that. It was silly, but it was also so hard... she really didn't know where there were, what she was supposed or allowed to do... they really had to talk about this, but right now she would just let Tara take her shower.
Tara simply nodded in return. She went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, leaning against it. She closed her eyes, fighting back tears. She knew how hard that must be for Willow - she knew what Willow had wanted to ask her. But she couldn't - she needed more time to adjust to all this. She suddenly felt more lost than she had back in her own - the other world, with Willow dead. Everything was so scary, but calming at the same time.
She got undressed and then went into the shower. As she felt the hot water rush over her face, her body, she finally felt free to let go of her tears. She sobbed and sobbed and allowed herself to feel. At some point she sat down and leaned her head against her knees, holding herself. It was as if the water slowly washed all the fear away - suddenly she felt able to breathe again. She heard her mother, telling her "You have a world of strength in your heart", she remembered Skip telling her she was brave. She knew she was brave - she had come that far, she wouldn't let herself break down now, she decided.
She tried to imagine what Willow was feeling right now - she probably was even more afraid than she herself was. She knew that she was the one to decide, not Willow. That was why her lover was feeling so insecure, so powerless... she realized she was again - still - thinking of Willow as her lover. So why couldn't she behave towards her, why couldn't she show her?
She was still afraid - afraid what was going to happen if she let herself go again...and she knew a part of her also was afraid of Willow. She remembered the fight she had witnessed during her challenge... Willow obviously had used magic on her. And what about her killing that guy? She couldn't understand her - she couldn't imagine herself doing something like this. But what about Willow? Probably even she couldn't understand herself. And how should she? That was something completely unintelligible... she was sure Willow was just as scared as herself.
She remembered the moment they had set eyes on each other that afternoon - how everything had felt wonderful.
Suddenly Tara realized the water was cold. She must have been sitting in the shower for ages. She got up, stepped out of it and grabbed a towel. While she was drying herself, she made a decision. She would tell Willow about her confusion - about her fear. Nothing good could ever came out of it when they were hiding their feelings from each other from the very beginning. Because a beginning it was - and she just had to trust Willow, they had to trust each other.
She got dressed and then blow dried her hair. Afterwards she brushed it, and then looked into the mirror. She looked just like she always did. That comforted her. She hesitated for a moment before leaving the bathroom, not being sure whether she should put on a blouse or something before going downstairs again or not. But when she opened the door, Willow was standing in the corridor, smiling shyly.
"Um, the others - most of them - went to bed already, and the rest are out patrolling - hunting vampires and stuff, you know? So I thought - maybe you would like to go to bed as well, and I thought I would - you know - go to bed with y - mean, accompany you and..."
Tara smiled at Willow's babbling. It was just too cute... Willow finally stopped and looked at her in reassurance. Seeing her smile, she felt relieved, and the two of them went to Willow's room.
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-) And this is becoming B/S as well, it seems.
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then. And if you have no idea about Season Three of Angel you'll be spoilt as well...so don't come running to me *lol*
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey. And there may be quotes from the show included in this story - I haven't really marked them, but if it sounds familiar - I mean it as an homage, I don't wanna violate any copyright, really. Please don't sue me!
Feedback: Yes please!!! I really appreciate it.
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Welcome back...
***
Tara gladly returned Dawn's hug, burying her face in her hair. "Hey Dawnie," she said.
Dawn didn't reply. She was happier than she had ever been, holding on to Tara as if she feared she would be gone if she let go. She was fighting back her tears, not being very successful. She closed her eyes and got lost in their embrace. She realized how much she had missed her - the only person who had really understood her - tried to understand her.
After watching them for a while, Willow got a bit uneasy. "Um, not that I want to interrupt - actually I want to..."
Dawn finally let go of her friend, grinning at Tara, who smiled back at her in return. "No need to be jealous, Willow," Dawn told her. "I just - I can't believe you're here."
"So you missed me?" Tara asked, mockingly.
"Maybe." Dawn wiped away the tears that had somehow managed to escape. She turned around and saw Buffy, Anya, Faith, Giles and Xander standing at the door, the two men somehow shuffling their feet, not really knowing what to do.
Anya did not have such problems, though. She went over to Tara and drew her into a quick embrace. "I am so glad you are here. You know me, right? Is there another me? I'm Anya," she offered, noticing the somewhat bewildered, but amused look on Tara's face.
"Of course I know you - although I was positive you were - singular, you know?" She smiled at her. "It's good to see you - or should I say meet you?"
They didn't have the time to sort this out, as Buffy had grown impatient by then and pushed Anya aside. Almost gently. She just looked at Tara for a moment. "Hey," she greeted her.
"Hey," Tara replied.
"So - everything went fine? With the challenge and all?" Buffy suddenly wasn't sure what to do after all. Before she could start shuffling her feet, however, Tara hugged her. Buffy remembered all the other times Tara had hugged her, and she felt a huge wave of comfort almost overwhelming her. Again, she knew everything was going to be alright. She let go of her, smiling happily. "I'm glad you're here."
"So am I." Tara looked over Buffy's shoulder, noticing Faith. She also saw how nervous the other Slayer seemed, how she wasn't really looking at her. So Tara simply went over to her, offering her her hand. "Hi Faith," she said.
Faith hesitated for a moment, then she took her hand. "Hi," she replied, not knowing what else to say. Instead she mimicked the guys and smiled briefly at Tara. She cursed herself for not being able to - to be nicer, because she really wanted to be. Tara was about the only person who didn't really know her yet and who might become something like a friend... which she really wanted her to become. There was something about her that gave her the feeling she could trust her completely. Something she hadn't experienced that often before. And yet here she was, wasting the opportunity...
Tara looked a bit confused, but she smiled back at her. Then she let go of Faith's hand, finally turning to Giles and Xander to greet them as well. Willow joined her as she was then standing at the door.
"Don't you want to get in?" she asked her lover.
Tara turned to her, for a moment unable to move or speak. It was all so overwhelming...meeting those people who were so much like her friends, and yet so different...and Willow was with her. That thought scared and comforted her at the same time. She still hadn't worked out how to react to Willow's actions after she had been murdered. But she probably wasn't going to do that while standing at the Summers's door, so she might as well get in. She smiled at Willow and reached out for her hand. The comfort was definitely the dominant one of her feelings.
***
After she had greeted the remaining people who had stayed inside - Spike, Andrew and the potentials - Tara had no idea what to do next. She felt she really needed time to think, but she didn't want to leave the others - they were all so happy she was back. She had sat down on the couch, Willow beside her, Dawn at her feet. It felt so good to be with them - with Willow - but at the same time Tara had the feeling of not being able to breathe freely. They sat like this in silence for a while, until Tara couldn't bear it any longer. She didn't want to worry them though, so she turned to Willow.
"Um, do you think I - I mean, I really would like to take a shower or something. Do you think - are there any clothes of me left? Or is there anything else I could wear?"
"Sure, I mean, I kept some...there are a couple in my room...I couldn't...you know?" Willow blushed. Buffy and Dawn had given away most of the clothes they had found in her dorm room, but when she returned from England, Willow had been relieved when she found they had kept Tara's favourites.
"I know. I kept some of you as well." Willow smiled at that, but at the same time she felt a sting in her heart. Tara's answer reminded her that although she was Tara in a way, she also was not...and that thought scared her somehow. What if the Willow Tara had loved had been - different than she was? Very different...that Willow probably hadn't been a junkie, hadn't been a - she stopped herself. You need to relax, she told herself. They would just have to get to know each other, and Tara had told her that the witch would always love her princess...that thought calmed her a bit. And just knowing that Tara was sitting next to her... somehow everything was going to be alright. She sighed.
"What is it?" Tara asked.
"Nothing," Willow replied quickly. "Um, shower...let's go upstairs, I'll get you your clothes." With that she stood up.
Tara followed her. She could feel her lover's fear, her insecurity - or was it her own? She didn't care, instead she took Willow's hand as they went upstairs, trying to reassure her. She hated herself for not being able to act - normally...for not being able to just kiss her and tell her everything was okay and would be... she also hated herself for having felt a rush of relief when Andrew had interrupted them on the street. But she knew that if she was going to kiss Willow, it shouldn't be because she wanted to reassure her. She probably just needed some time... which wasn't really surprising, as she had just come her - returned? - from another dimension. She tried to push that thought away... it hurt to think of the others... but still she wondered what they were doing, feeling right now.
Willow noticed Tara was lost in thought. She didn't interrupt her. Instead she gently squeezed her hand and then let go of it to get Tara's clothes.
When she returned she was carrying a red tank top, a pair of pajama pants and some underwair. She was a bit embarrassed about the fact that she had kept the latter, but then again...she handed them to Tara. "I thought - if you are tired... I mean you told me beofre you were...if you want non - insleepable clothes, I -"
"Thank you," Tara replied, touching Willow's hand for a second, who continued, "There are some towels in the bathroom. You can use any shampoo or soap you like...there's tons of it. A lot to choose from."
Tara smiled. "I guess that's what happens when there's a house full of girls."
"Exactly. Um, I'll be downstairs, right?" Willow had to fight her urge to ask her if she could join her... she knew that would just rush things, and anyway, Tara would probably tell her no, and she didn't know how she would be able to bear that. It was silly, but it was also so hard... she really didn't know where there were, what she was supposed or allowed to do... they really had to talk about this, but right now she would just let Tara take her shower.
Tara simply nodded in return. She went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, leaning against it. She closed her eyes, fighting back tears. She knew how hard that must be for Willow - she knew what Willow had wanted to ask her. But she couldn't - she needed more time to adjust to all this. She suddenly felt more lost than she had back in her own - the other world, with Willow dead. Everything was so scary, but calming at the same time.
She got undressed and then went into the shower. As she felt the hot water rush over her face, her body, she finally felt free to let go of her tears. She sobbed and sobbed and allowed herself to feel. At some point she sat down and leaned her head against her knees, holding herself. It was as if the water slowly washed all the fear away - suddenly she felt able to breathe again. She heard her mother, telling her "You have a world of strength in your heart", she remembered Skip telling her she was brave. She knew she was brave - she had come that far, she wouldn't let herself break down now, she decided.
She tried to imagine what Willow was feeling right now - she probably was even more afraid than she herself was. She knew that she was the one to decide, not Willow. That was why her lover was feeling so insecure, so powerless... she realized she was again - still - thinking of Willow as her lover. So why couldn't she behave towards her, why couldn't she show her?
She was still afraid - afraid what was going to happen if she let herself go again...and she knew a part of her also was afraid of Willow. She remembered the fight she had witnessed during her challenge... Willow obviously had used magic on her. And what about her killing that guy? She couldn't understand her - she couldn't imagine herself doing something like this. But what about Willow? Probably even she couldn't understand herself. And how should she? That was something completely unintelligible... she was sure Willow was just as scared as herself.
She remembered the moment they had set eyes on each other that afternoon - how everything had felt wonderful.
Suddenly Tara realized the water was cold. She must have been sitting in the shower for ages. She got up, stepped out of it and grabbed a towel. While she was drying herself, she made a decision. She would tell Willow about her confusion - about her fear. Nothing good could ever came out of it when they were hiding their feelings from each other from the very beginning. Because a beginning it was - and she just had to trust Willow, they had to trust each other.
She got dressed and then blow dried her hair. Afterwards she brushed it, and then looked into the mirror. She looked just like she always did. That comforted her. She hesitated for a moment before leaving the bathroom, not being sure whether she should put on a blouse or something before going downstairs again or not. But when she opened the door, Willow was standing in the corridor, smiling shyly.
"Um, the others - most of them - went to bed already, and the rest are out patrolling - hunting vampires and stuff, you know? So I thought - maybe you would like to go to bed as well, and I thought I would - you know - go to bed with y - mean, accompany you and..."
Tara smiled at Willow's babbling. It was just too cute... Willow finally stopped and looked at her in reassurance. Seeing her smile, she felt relieved, and the two of them went to Willow's room.