Title: Half of my soul and all of my heart
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-) And this is becoming B/S as well, it seems.
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then. And if you have no idea about Season Three of Angel you'll be spoilt as well...so don't come running to me *lol*
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey. And there may be quotes from the show included in this story - I haven't really marked them, but if it sounds familiar - I mean it as an homage, I don't wanna violate any copyright, really. Please don't sue me!
Feedback: Yes please!!! I really appreciate it.
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Buffy and Spike talk.
Author's note: If you are an ardent B/A shipper, chances are, you will not like this. I'm sorry, but I'm not (an ardent B/A shipper, that is).
***
When they had all returned from patrol, Buffy went down to the basement with Spike. That was pretty much the only place where there were no potentials, and with all that happened that day, Buffy needed to be alone. She needed herself and Spike to be alone together.
Spike sat down on his bed. "Well, that was something. No vampire whatsoever. It seems even they are scared of what's to come."
"Faith said they staked two," Buffy told him. "But she also said it looked like they were on their way out of here, so..."
"'s not bad. That way we only have to worry about the First plus some possible ubervamps."
"If you look at it that way, it doesn't cheer me up at all." Buffy smiled weakly.
Spike looked at her. "What is it? You seemed so happy about Goldie's return today."
"I still am. It's just - I'm so tired." She went to join him on the bed and sat down next to him. "And confused. And I don't know really what to do about any of it." She sighed.
"Well, I heard sleeping was a way to get rid of feelings of tiredness. You can have my bed if you want. But seeing you have a much nicer one upstairs..."
"Thank you," Buffy replied, smiling at him. A part of her wanted to ask him to hold her, make her feel safe... but she couldn't get the words out. "I don't know what's up with me. Why can't I just be happy?"
Spike didn't answer. Instead he stood up from the bed and leaned against the staircase, watching Buffy. She missed him almost instantly, and cursed herself for it. He isn't even gone, she told herself. She looked down at the floor. "That's me, the Slayer. Whiny and depressed. And I thought I was over that phase."
Spike couldn't help but smile. Neither could she. "What do you think I should do?" she suddenly asked him.
He eyed her curiously, wondering for a moment what the hell she was talking about. Then he understood. "You said it yourself - you're the Slayer," he told her matter-of-factly.
"And what about Faith? Isn't she the Slayer as well?" Buffy protested weakly. She wanted him so desperately to be right, to be providing her with an easy, the right answer.
"You tell me." She should've known he wouldn't. And why should he?
"This is your decision, luv. Yours and Faith. You should be talking to her right now."
"I guess," she replied reluctantly. "But what am I to tell her? 'Hey Faith, listen, don't you want to give up your superpowers? Because I'd really like to keep mine.' She'll probably thinks I feel superior towards her."
"And don't you?" he asked her.
"No! No... do I? Do I act as if I feel superior?" When he didn't answer she sighed, exasperated. "Of course I do. No wonder she hates me. She and everybody else."
She really hated he didn't protest. She knew why he was doing that, of course, but it annoyed her nonetheless. "Couldn't you tell me I'm wrong?" Spike didn't reply, all he did was look at her. Finally, she turned away. "You can't. But - it's not as if I think Faith hasn't earned her powers...although, if you look at it - no, forget I just said that. It's more that I'm afraid I'm not ready or able to live without mine. It happened before, you know?"
"What?"
"There once was this test...the Crucasomething. Giles gave me this injection that made me feel all helpless - I didn't have any strength at all. And my mom and I - we nearly got killed. But what's more important is that I couldn't - I couldn't deal with the fact that I wasn't the Slayer anymore. I felt cheated."
"You thought you weren't special anymore."
"I don't know...yeah, I guess. And I couldn't - you know, I know what is lurking outside. And not being able to do anything - it felt horrible. I was just a girl."
Spike shrugged. "Well, you're not a girl anymore."
She glanced at him. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that you're a woman now. You'll still be able to fight somehow. It's not your slayer powers that make you special."
"Isn't it? I don't know." Buffy got up as well and started pacing. "I don't know. I'm just so scared." She sighed again. "I just wish someone else could make that decision for me."
"No."
"I didn't-"
"But you wanted." He grinned knowingly at her. "So don't you try it. And don't pout."
She glared at him and sat down again, somewhat grudgingly.
"Listen, I'm not going to make this decision for you. I told you, this is something you need to discuss with Faith."
"But I can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't want - I don't want her to think I want to take that from her. It's who she is, Spike. Even more that I am." She looked at him. He didn't protest. But she could see there was something he was about to say - something she probably didn't want to hear. So she continued, "Part of me wants her to keep her powers. But another part of me -" she stopped, not sure what to say. Spike stayed silent as well.
Suddenly, they heard the door to the basement close. Buffy jumped off the bed. "What was that?"
"I dunno." Spike turned around. "There's nobody there. Probably was the wind or something."
"Didn't we close that door?"
"I went down first," he told her.
Buffy didn't reply. She remained standing for a moment, listening intently. Nothing.
She returned to Spike's bed. Buffy realized she didn't want to go up there - not now. She couldn't bear the thought of going back into her room, of maybe even having to talk to the girls... to Faith. She knew she was somehow being childish, but she didn't care. She couldn't care about that as well. She wondered whether he would ask her to stay if she told him she was going to sleep. But why would he, she thought. It wasn't as if she had given him much reason to ask her lately - or ever, that was. She silently cursed herself. So it was sleeping upstairs or asking him... hard decision, but wasn't she the vampire slayer? Didn't that mean she should be staying with the vampire? Could there ever be a lamer excuse?
Whatever. Spike was still standing at the bottom of the staircase. She decided she would just ask him. What could go wrong? "You know...," she started.
"What?"
"Um, you - I mean, earlier you said I could - have your bed. Stay here, I mean. Do you think I really could do that?" When he didn't reply she added quickly, "We - I thought it would be nice to let have Will and Tara some time on their own... and now my room's full of the girls and- and I'm really tired..."
"Sure." Yes! She thought. Then Spike turned to walk up the staircase. She frowned. "Where are you going?"
"You wanna sleep in that?" He looked poignantly at her clothes.
"Oh. No, I mean...are you getting-?"
"Your pajamas," he finished.
"That's sweet," she blurted out before she could restrain herself. Well, it was. "I mean...don't you have any pajamas? What are you usually wearing when you're sleep-" she stopped, blushing, as he just raised an eyebrow and smirked.
"I'll be back in a minute," he told her.
When he was gone, Buffy took off her shoes. Then she just sat there, wondering what exactly she was doing. She wasn't sure anymore if she hadn't made the scarier choice. But then she dismissed that thought - she needed his comfort right now, and she needed to get some sleep, which she wouldn't be able to upstairs. So...
At that moment, Spike returned. She heard him close the door behind him. He came down the staircase and handed her her close before turning around for her to change. She did so quickly. She put her clothes on a table in the corner and then told him to turn around. He didn't say anything, but she could see he was happy. He started to take off his shoes but stopped suddenly, asking her, "Do you want to have the bed to yourself? I mean it's not that big and-"
"No. I mean, please?" She looked at him, and he nodded slowly, gladly. Understanding.
He went over to the bed and lay down, making room for Buffy. She joined him, taking his hand, making him spoon her. With his hands around her waist, she put her own on his. Almost absent mindedly, she started caressing them. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. For the first time in days, she felt completely relaxed. Spike listened to her breathing, to her heart beating as she drifted over to sleep.
***
Later that night, someone knocked softly at the Summers's door. When nobody answered, he quietly opened the door, entering the house. He went into the kitchen, when he suddenly picked up Buffy's scent. He smiled to himself, but then there was something else... another scent. He frowned, trying to pinpoint who it belonged to. When he remembered, he frowned even more. He followed it and opened the door to the basement. He started to walk down the stairs but halted abruptly when he saw Buffy peacefully sleeping in Spike's arms. Angel couldn't believe his eyes.
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-) And this is becoming B/S as well, it seems.
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then. And if you have no idea about Season Three of Angel you'll be spoilt as well...so don't come running to me *lol*
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey. And there may be quotes from the show included in this story - I haven't really marked them, but if it sounds familiar - I mean it as an homage, I don't wanna violate any copyright, really. Please don't sue me!
Feedback: Yes please!!! I really appreciate it.
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Buffy and Spike talk.
Author's note: If you are an ardent B/A shipper, chances are, you will not like this. I'm sorry, but I'm not (an ardent B/A shipper, that is).
***
When they had all returned from patrol, Buffy went down to the basement with Spike. That was pretty much the only place where there were no potentials, and with all that happened that day, Buffy needed to be alone. She needed herself and Spike to be alone together.
Spike sat down on his bed. "Well, that was something. No vampire whatsoever. It seems even they are scared of what's to come."
"Faith said they staked two," Buffy told him. "But she also said it looked like they were on their way out of here, so..."
"'s not bad. That way we only have to worry about the First plus some possible ubervamps."
"If you look at it that way, it doesn't cheer me up at all." Buffy smiled weakly.
Spike looked at her. "What is it? You seemed so happy about Goldie's return today."
"I still am. It's just - I'm so tired." She went to join him on the bed and sat down next to him. "And confused. And I don't know really what to do about any of it." She sighed.
"Well, I heard sleeping was a way to get rid of feelings of tiredness. You can have my bed if you want. But seeing you have a much nicer one upstairs..."
"Thank you," Buffy replied, smiling at him. A part of her wanted to ask him to hold her, make her feel safe... but she couldn't get the words out. "I don't know what's up with me. Why can't I just be happy?"
Spike didn't answer. Instead he stood up from the bed and leaned against the staircase, watching Buffy. She missed him almost instantly, and cursed herself for it. He isn't even gone, she told herself. She looked down at the floor. "That's me, the Slayer. Whiny and depressed. And I thought I was over that phase."
Spike couldn't help but smile. Neither could she. "What do you think I should do?" she suddenly asked him.
He eyed her curiously, wondering for a moment what the hell she was talking about. Then he understood. "You said it yourself - you're the Slayer," he told her matter-of-factly.
"And what about Faith? Isn't she the Slayer as well?" Buffy protested weakly. She wanted him so desperately to be right, to be providing her with an easy, the right answer.
"You tell me." She should've known he wouldn't. And why should he?
"This is your decision, luv. Yours and Faith. You should be talking to her right now."
"I guess," she replied reluctantly. "But what am I to tell her? 'Hey Faith, listen, don't you want to give up your superpowers? Because I'd really like to keep mine.' She'll probably thinks I feel superior towards her."
"And don't you?" he asked her.
"No! No... do I? Do I act as if I feel superior?" When he didn't answer she sighed, exasperated. "Of course I do. No wonder she hates me. She and everybody else."
She really hated he didn't protest. She knew why he was doing that, of course, but it annoyed her nonetheless. "Couldn't you tell me I'm wrong?" Spike didn't reply, all he did was look at her. Finally, she turned away. "You can't. But - it's not as if I think Faith hasn't earned her powers...although, if you look at it - no, forget I just said that. It's more that I'm afraid I'm not ready or able to live without mine. It happened before, you know?"
"What?"
"There once was this test...the Crucasomething. Giles gave me this injection that made me feel all helpless - I didn't have any strength at all. And my mom and I - we nearly got killed. But what's more important is that I couldn't - I couldn't deal with the fact that I wasn't the Slayer anymore. I felt cheated."
"You thought you weren't special anymore."
"I don't know...yeah, I guess. And I couldn't - you know, I know what is lurking outside. And not being able to do anything - it felt horrible. I was just a girl."
Spike shrugged. "Well, you're not a girl anymore."
She glanced at him. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that you're a woman now. You'll still be able to fight somehow. It's not your slayer powers that make you special."
"Isn't it? I don't know." Buffy got up as well and started pacing. "I don't know. I'm just so scared." She sighed again. "I just wish someone else could make that decision for me."
"No."
"I didn't-"
"But you wanted." He grinned knowingly at her. "So don't you try it. And don't pout."
She glared at him and sat down again, somewhat grudgingly.
"Listen, I'm not going to make this decision for you. I told you, this is something you need to discuss with Faith."
"But I can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't want - I don't want her to think I want to take that from her. It's who she is, Spike. Even more that I am." She looked at him. He didn't protest. But she could see there was something he was about to say - something she probably didn't want to hear. So she continued, "Part of me wants her to keep her powers. But another part of me -" she stopped, not sure what to say. Spike stayed silent as well.
Suddenly, they heard the door to the basement close. Buffy jumped off the bed. "What was that?"
"I dunno." Spike turned around. "There's nobody there. Probably was the wind or something."
"Didn't we close that door?"
"I went down first," he told her.
Buffy didn't reply. She remained standing for a moment, listening intently. Nothing.
She returned to Spike's bed. Buffy realized she didn't want to go up there - not now. She couldn't bear the thought of going back into her room, of maybe even having to talk to the girls... to Faith. She knew she was somehow being childish, but she didn't care. She couldn't care about that as well. She wondered whether he would ask her to stay if she told him she was going to sleep. But why would he, she thought. It wasn't as if she had given him much reason to ask her lately - or ever, that was. She silently cursed herself. So it was sleeping upstairs or asking him... hard decision, but wasn't she the vampire slayer? Didn't that mean she should be staying with the vampire? Could there ever be a lamer excuse?
Whatever. Spike was still standing at the bottom of the staircase. She decided she would just ask him. What could go wrong? "You know...," she started.
"What?"
"Um, you - I mean, earlier you said I could - have your bed. Stay here, I mean. Do you think I really could do that?" When he didn't reply she added quickly, "We - I thought it would be nice to let have Will and Tara some time on their own... and now my room's full of the girls and- and I'm really tired..."
"Sure." Yes! She thought. Then Spike turned to walk up the staircase. She frowned. "Where are you going?"
"You wanna sleep in that?" He looked poignantly at her clothes.
"Oh. No, I mean...are you getting-?"
"Your pajamas," he finished.
"That's sweet," she blurted out before she could restrain herself. Well, it was. "I mean...don't you have any pajamas? What are you usually wearing when you're sleep-" she stopped, blushing, as he just raised an eyebrow and smirked.
"I'll be back in a minute," he told her.
When he was gone, Buffy took off her shoes. Then she just sat there, wondering what exactly she was doing. She wasn't sure anymore if she hadn't made the scarier choice. But then she dismissed that thought - she needed his comfort right now, and she needed to get some sleep, which she wouldn't be able to upstairs. So...
At that moment, Spike returned. She heard him close the door behind him. He came down the staircase and handed her her close before turning around for her to change. She did so quickly. She put her clothes on a table in the corner and then told him to turn around. He didn't say anything, but she could see he was happy. He started to take off his shoes but stopped suddenly, asking her, "Do you want to have the bed to yourself? I mean it's not that big and-"
"No. I mean, please?" She looked at him, and he nodded slowly, gladly. Understanding.
He went over to the bed and lay down, making room for Buffy. She joined him, taking his hand, making him spoon her. With his hands around her waist, she put her own on his. Almost absent mindedly, she started caressing them. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. For the first time in days, she felt completely relaxed. Spike listened to her breathing, to her heart beating as she drifted over to sleep.
***
Later that night, someone knocked softly at the Summers's door. When nobody answered, he quietly opened the door, entering the house. He went into the kitchen, when he suddenly picked up Buffy's scent. He smiled to himself, but then there was something else... another scent. He frowned, trying to pinpoint who it belonged to. When he remembered, he frowned even more. He followed it and opened the door to the basement. He started to walk down the stairs but halted abruptly when he saw Buffy peacefully sleeping in Spike's arms. Angel couldn't believe his eyes.