Title: Half of my soul and all of my heart
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: Slight R for language
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-) And this is becoming B/S as well, it seems.
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then. And if you have no idea about Season Three of Angel you'll be spoilt as well...so don't come running to me *lol*
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey. And there may be quotes from the show included in this story - I haven't really marked them, but if it sounds familiar - I mean it as an homage, I don't wanna violate any copyright, really. Please don't sue me! Plus, in this part there are two quotes from 'other sources' - one is really very well hidden and from "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead" and/ or "Hamlet" (it's very well hidden - if you find it, let me know ;-) ), the other one is from "Titanic".
Feedback: Yes please!!! It makes me happy, and happy's always good!
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Spike angst; Spike and Angel have a conversation.
Author's note: Sorry it took me so long again. It's so hot here in Germany, I can't do much except lie on my couch and take lots of showers (unfortunately not at the same time), least of all write much.
***
Buffy and Faith were both pretty tired and directly went to get some sleep. Spike debated joining Buffy in bed for a moment, but then decided against it. He needed to think about... stuff, and he had to be alone for this. Or rather, not with Buffy. Hell, it seemed brooding really was contagious. He shot a slightly angry look in Angel's direction, who was still sitting in the kitchen with him. Unfortunately, Angel caught that look and asked, "What's wrong, Spike?"
"Nothing." Spike poignantly stared in the other direction. He sighed slightly. He already hated being stuck inside this house. Not that he could have left with the Bringers not being there, but he needed something he could be angry at. Usually he opted for Angel, but with their newly arranged armistice, he had to look for other targets. So the Bringers and their soddin' siege it was. That immediately reminded him of the last night. He felt he couldn't think about it without feeling a kind of - ache; not entirely unwelcome. A part of him still wasn't convinced it had been real - sitting there with Buffy next to him, feeling - loved. Almost.
Right, being angry at the situation didn't help at all. Great. Spike redirected his attention on Angel. Second best to hating Angel was making fun of Angel. Earlier, when the other vampire had been on the phone and all the girls had come to the kitchen - that hadn't been bad. Spike chuckled at the memory of Angel's face.
Another bad move. Bad simply because it attracted Angel's attention. "You sure you alright?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Spike shot back defiantly, yet turning his face away again.
He heard Angel sigh and get up and leave for the living room. Alone at last. Again he silently cursed himself. He shouldn't think so much, it only confused him.
The last night with Buffy had been - different. He had never experienced anything like it. He had never consciously wanted it, simply because - well, to be honest he had never thought of it. Or not for a very very long time. He never would have imagined Buffy would want him like that; not in the animalistic destructive way she had wanted him - his body - the year before, but in the way one wanted a lover.
He remembered what he had told Buffy back then in the destroyed building - that the only thing better than killing a slayer was fucking a slayer. He recalled the way he had told her that - triumphantly, with glee, at the same time mocking her. He remembered how lost he had been at the same time - how desperate to try and show her that things had changed, that what they had done meant something, when really it only meant something to him. And he was aware that even now it was like that - now that he knew there was something even better, simpler - that it meant something - more - to him than to her. He secretly feared it probably would always be like that.
But he knew things were different now - he had heard her tell the others, herself and him over and over again - he had a soul now.
So now she could love him, now she could trust him. The soul had changed things for her.
Funnily enough, it hadn't changed his love for her. It hadn't grown, or become more pure or anything. It didn't matter more. He loved her, he would die for her. Everything was like it always had been.
That wasn't really true, though. He knew it. That might be what he told himself most of the time, but... His feelings for her might not have changed, but his feelings for the others definitely had. It wasn't as if he cared too much about Harris now, he still didn't like him, but then again, Harris didn't like him either, and he had always had a soul. But the girls, the witches - he would have and had protected them in the past as well, but he suspected it probably would have been for Buffy's or Dawn's sake rather than for theirs. Now, he genuinely cared for them; well at least as long as he wasn't busy avoiding them. Sometimes he had the feeling they were driving him even more insane than the First and his soul combined had been. But recalling Angel's reaction earlier he was aware he wasn't the only one who felt like that.
So where did that leave him? It didn't make anything easier; that was for sure.
Angel chose that moment to come back into the kitchen. "You have my respect, Spike."
Spike couldn't have been more surprised if Angel had proposed marriage to him. "What?"
"How did you manage to live that long with all those girls? I thought having Cordelia to live with me one night had been the ultimate test of my - patience and what have you, but this..."
Spike looked at him more closely, then grinned. "What did they do?"
He noticed Angel's eyes widen slightly, as if he had suddenly realized it hadn't been that good an idea to say something.
"Poor Angel, don't tell me they threw you out of the bathroom?" Spike couldn't hide his amusent. Hell, he didn't want to hide his amusement!
Angel didn't reply but instead busied himself with the newspaper he had brought with him. Spike decided to leave him be, which was just as surprising to him as it was to Angel. After having pretended to read for a couple of minutes while at the same time waiting for Spike to laugh at him, Angel said, "You really have changed."
Spike knew what he meant. "I've just a lot on my mind right now, if you want to be mocked, please come back later."
Smiling slightly, Angel asked, "You need help with that?"
"With what?"
"With the things on you mind. You wanna talk about it?"
"With you?"
Now Angel was the one amused. "Well, as I'm the only other souled vampire around, why not?"
"Why do you think it has got something to do with my soul?" Spike realized he was sounded a tad bit too defiant, but he couldn't help it at the moment. Truth was, he was confused and slightly exhausted, and he wasn't sure if it was a bad idea to talk with Angel about it. Which, in his opinion, showed just how confused he was.
"Hasn't it always?"
"Dunno." Spike was busy studying his fingers, wondering if he shoud paint his nails again at some point of time. Maybe he could even get one of the girls to do it.
Angel waited patiently. Finally, Spike sighed. "Right. What do you want to hear?"
"I don't want to hear anything, Spike." Now Angel sounded angry. "I was just offering to help you."
"Sorry." Again, both vampires were surprised. They grinned shortly at each other and then Spike explained. "It's about Bu- the Slay- Buffy." He looked at Angel to check to make sure he could go on without getting staked. The older vampire simply nodded slightly. "I don't wanna go into details, but let's just say things are - things are going well at the moment." He waited for a moment, then continued. "Almost too well."
"Too well? Is there a happiness clause for your soul as well?" Angel wanted to know, worried.
"Not's far's I know, mate. I mean, I know," he quickly corrected himself.
"What do you mean then?"
"I - I never - hell, I can't believe I'm telling you this. You of all people."
"I'm not exactly people, Spike," Angel reminded him. "Neither are you."
"Yeah, and that's the problem I guess," Spike said in a quiet voice.
"Huh?"
"Guess I'm facing the same bloody dilemma as you once. I mean, come on - if a Slayer and a vampire being together is impossible, what about a vampire and a human then?"
Angel didn't reply immediately. Suddenly Spike was glad he was talking to Angel about this. At least he could be sure to get an honest answer, and Angel actually had to know what he was talking about. So he was slightly confused at Angel's evasive words.
"Faith told me they are both going to give up their powers."
"So?" Spike couldn't hide the impatience in his voice.
"She wasn't too sure what to do afterwards. I offered her to come to LA and help us there. She accepted."
"That's swell. Actually having a point here?"
"I'm getting there." Again Angel sounded amused. "You realize Faith almost immediately was sure she still wanted to help people? So if that's true for her, what do you think Buffy is going to do? You know her, Spike - she told me she believed you know her better than anyone does."
"Did she?"
Angel rolled his eyes and continued, "I'm sure she'll want to stay here and fight and help. Or go somewhere else to do it. And you can help her with that. She needs you. Whatever there was between us, it's different now. Now she needs you, if I like it or not. The thing is, she's never ever going to have a normal live, how much she might want it. Not with everything that has happened."
"But she's deserved it," Spike contradicted him.
"Of yourse she has. If anyone, then her. But she knows she's never really going to get it, and I think she has accepted it. Most of the time at least."
"But maybe I would be the one thing holding her back. Maybe what she needs is a normal guy, human..."
"Believe me, Spike, if there's one thing you never wanna do is tell Buffy what she needs, or worse, do what you think has to be done because she needs it."
"Huh?"
"Just stay and make her happy, Spike." Angel sighed. "I really can't believe I'm saying this, but - if she thinks she needs you, I agree with her. She knows best what's best for her. Try not to worry too much - when did that start anyway? Never thought you were that much of a thinker?"
"Perhaps you don't know me as well as you'd like to think then, mate." But Spike was smiling and then added, "I think your brooding hs started to rub off on me."
"Thought so myself." They both stayed silent for a moment, listening to the girls' chatter in the rest of the house.
Finally Angel spoke up again. "I mean it, Spike. I think you are good for her. And who knows what'll happen."
"Some things don't change, Angel. Especially the being a vampire thing. But I'll try and manage. Actually, I'll first try and stop brooding. Starting now. Can't be too good for my complexion, I think." Deciding he was hungry, Spike got up and went to the fridge to get some blood, by that managing to push all disturbing thoughts aside, at least for the moment. He couldn't afford to let Angel see too much of what - afflicted him. Well, that was a ponce word. It reminded him of something, but he couldn't really say of what. Trying to remember something as useless as that also helped to keep himself from brooding, he discovered. Good.
But Angel was still looking thoughtful. "Spike, there's something I have to tell you..."
He wasn't too sure he wanted to hear this now, but feeling grateful as talking to Angel had actually helped him he was willing to listen to him. But food came first now. After pouring some blood into two mugs and then putting them into the microwave to heat them up, Spike returned his attention to Angel. "What?"
"There's a prophecy... about a souled vampire."
"Huh. What does it say, then?"
"That that vampire might live one day... after having earned it, that is."
"Earned how?" Spike still didn't seem too interested. He was rummaging through the cupboards, looking for the Weetabix.
"By preventing the apocalypse, surving darkness, fighting fiends... the usual."
"Hah!" Spike triumphantly pulled out the Weetabix from behind some plates. He didn't really know why anyone would put it there, but he couldn't say he cared too much. "Well, that's gotta be you then, mate."
"What?"
"I know you're trying to say I'm the one to be brought back to life or what have you. I don't think so. You've always been prophecy vamp, just remember Stone Boy." Spike got the steaming mugs out of the microwave and shot Angel a questioning look while pointing at the Weetabix. Angel nodded, slightly confused. "Plus, I don't think I would want to be. I like being a vampire. So, don't you worry - even if someone comes up to me asking whether I'd like to be human, I'll send him to you, right?" He started to crumble up some of the Weetabix and put a bit into the mugs. Then he handed Angel one of the mugs.
"I mean it, don't worry. I'll be okay. That was enough brooding for one week at least. Here, enjoy this while you can." With that, Spike raised his mug in Angel's direction in a mock toast. "To make every day count."
Author: ladydewinter
Email: ladydewinter@gmx.net
Rating: Slight R for language
Pairing: W/K first, but I don't really like them...so W/T eventually :-) And this is becoming B/S as well, it seems.
Setting: The story takes place roughly after The Killer in Me, so spoilers up to then. And if you have no idea about Season Three of Angel you'll be spoilt as well...so don't come running to me *lol*
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Kennedy, Anya et. al belong to Joss Whedon and ME and - hey you know whom they belong to. The story however is mine. Oh, the title is taken from a book called "Magic's Promise" by Mercedes Lackey. And there may be quotes from the show included in this story - I haven't really marked them, but if it sounds familiar - I mean it as an homage, I don't wanna violate any copyright, really. Please don't sue me! Plus, in this part there are two quotes from 'other sources' - one is really very well hidden and from "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead" and/ or "Hamlet" (it's very well hidden - if you find it, let me know ;-) ), the other one is from "Titanic".
Feedback: Yes please!!! It makes me happy, and happy's always good!
Distribution: If you want it, you can have it, just let me know where it ends up.
Summary: Spike angst; Spike and Angel have a conversation.
Author's note: Sorry it took me so long again. It's so hot here in Germany, I can't do much except lie on my couch and take lots of showers (unfortunately not at the same time), least of all write much.
***
Buffy and Faith were both pretty tired and directly went to get some sleep. Spike debated joining Buffy in bed for a moment, but then decided against it. He needed to think about... stuff, and he had to be alone for this. Or rather, not with Buffy. Hell, it seemed brooding really was contagious. He shot a slightly angry look in Angel's direction, who was still sitting in the kitchen with him. Unfortunately, Angel caught that look and asked, "What's wrong, Spike?"
"Nothing." Spike poignantly stared in the other direction. He sighed slightly. He already hated being stuck inside this house. Not that he could have left with the Bringers not being there, but he needed something he could be angry at. Usually he opted for Angel, but with their newly arranged armistice, he had to look for other targets. So the Bringers and their soddin' siege it was. That immediately reminded him of the last night. He felt he couldn't think about it without feeling a kind of - ache; not entirely unwelcome. A part of him still wasn't convinced it had been real - sitting there with Buffy next to him, feeling - loved. Almost.
Right, being angry at the situation didn't help at all. Great. Spike redirected his attention on Angel. Second best to hating Angel was making fun of Angel. Earlier, when the other vampire had been on the phone and all the girls had come to the kitchen - that hadn't been bad. Spike chuckled at the memory of Angel's face.
Another bad move. Bad simply because it attracted Angel's attention. "You sure you alright?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Spike shot back defiantly, yet turning his face away again.
He heard Angel sigh and get up and leave for the living room. Alone at last. Again he silently cursed himself. He shouldn't think so much, it only confused him.
The last night with Buffy had been - different. He had never experienced anything like it. He had never consciously wanted it, simply because - well, to be honest he had never thought of it. Or not for a very very long time. He never would have imagined Buffy would want him like that; not in the animalistic destructive way she had wanted him - his body - the year before, but in the way one wanted a lover.
He remembered what he had told Buffy back then in the destroyed building - that the only thing better than killing a slayer was fucking a slayer. He recalled the way he had told her that - triumphantly, with glee, at the same time mocking her. He remembered how lost he had been at the same time - how desperate to try and show her that things had changed, that what they had done meant something, when really it only meant something to him. And he was aware that even now it was like that - now that he knew there was something even better, simpler - that it meant something - more - to him than to her. He secretly feared it probably would always be like that.
But he knew things were different now - he had heard her tell the others, herself and him over and over again - he had a soul now.
So now she could love him, now she could trust him. The soul had changed things for her.
Funnily enough, it hadn't changed his love for her. It hadn't grown, or become more pure or anything. It didn't matter more. He loved her, he would die for her. Everything was like it always had been.
That wasn't really true, though. He knew it. That might be what he told himself most of the time, but... His feelings for her might not have changed, but his feelings for the others definitely had. It wasn't as if he cared too much about Harris now, he still didn't like him, but then again, Harris didn't like him either, and he had always had a soul. But the girls, the witches - he would have and had protected them in the past as well, but he suspected it probably would have been for Buffy's or Dawn's sake rather than for theirs. Now, he genuinely cared for them; well at least as long as he wasn't busy avoiding them. Sometimes he had the feeling they were driving him even more insane than the First and his soul combined had been. But recalling Angel's reaction earlier he was aware he wasn't the only one who felt like that.
So where did that leave him? It didn't make anything easier; that was for sure.
Angel chose that moment to come back into the kitchen. "You have my respect, Spike."
Spike couldn't have been more surprised if Angel had proposed marriage to him. "What?"
"How did you manage to live that long with all those girls? I thought having Cordelia to live with me one night had been the ultimate test of my - patience and what have you, but this..."
Spike looked at him more closely, then grinned. "What did they do?"
He noticed Angel's eyes widen slightly, as if he had suddenly realized it hadn't been that good an idea to say something.
"Poor Angel, don't tell me they threw you out of the bathroom?" Spike couldn't hide his amusent. Hell, he didn't want to hide his amusement!
Angel didn't reply but instead busied himself with the newspaper he had brought with him. Spike decided to leave him be, which was just as surprising to him as it was to Angel. After having pretended to read for a couple of minutes while at the same time waiting for Spike to laugh at him, Angel said, "You really have changed."
Spike knew what he meant. "I've just a lot on my mind right now, if you want to be mocked, please come back later."
Smiling slightly, Angel asked, "You need help with that?"
"With what?"
"With the things on you mind. You wanna talk about it?"
"With you?"
Now Angel was the one amused. "Well, as I'm the only other souled vampire around, why not?"
"Why do you think it has got something to do with my soul?" Spike realized he was sounded a tad bit too defiant, but he couldn't help it at the moment. Truth was, he was confused and slightly exhausted, and he wasn't sure if it was a bad idea to talk with Angel about it. Which, in his opinion, showed just how confused he was.
"Hasn't it always?"
"Dunno." Spike was busy studying his fingers, wondering if he shoud paint his nails again at some point of time. Maybe he could even get one of the girls to do it.
Angel waited patiently. Finally, Spike sighed. "Right. What do you want to hear?"
"I don't want to hear anything, Spike." Now Angel sounded angry. "I was just offering to help you."
"Sorry." Again, both vampires were surprised. They grinned shortly at each other and then Spike explained. "It's about Bu- the Slay- Buffy." He looked at Angel to check to make sure he could go on without getting staked. The older vampire simply nodded slightly. "I don't wanna go into details, but let's just say things are - things are going well at the moment." He waited for a moment, then continued. "Almost too well."
"Too well? Is there a happiness clause for your soul as well?" Angel wanted to know, worried.
"Not's far's I know, mate. I mean, I know," he quickly corrected himself.
"What do you mean then?"
"I - I never - hell, I can't believe I'm telling you this. You of all people."
"I'm not exactly people, Spike," Angel reminded him. "Neither are you."
"Yeah, and that's the problem I guess," Spike said in a quiet voice.
"Huh?"
"Guess I'm facing the same bloody dilemma as you once. I mean, come on - if a Slayer and a vampire being together is impossible, what about a vampire and a human then?"
Angel didn't reply immediately. Suddenly Spike was glad he was talking to Angel about this. At least he could be sure to get an honest answer, and Angel actually had to know what he was talking about. So he was slightly confused at Angel's evasive words.
"Faith told me they are both going to give up their powers."
"So?" Spike couldn't hide the impatience in his voice.
"She wasn't too sure what to do afterwards. I offered her to come to LA and help us there. She accepted."
"That's swell. Actually having a point here?"
"I'm getting there." Again Angel sounded amused. "You realize Faith almost immediately was sure she still wanted to help people? So if that's true for her, what do you think Buffy is going to do? You know her, Spike - she told me she believed you know her better than anyone does."
"Did she?"
Angel rolled his eyes and continued, "I'm sure she'll want to stay here and fight and help. Or go somewhere else to do it. And you can help her with that. She needs you. Whatever there was between us, it's different now. Now she needs you, if I like it or not. The thing is, she's never ever going to have a normal live, how much she might want it. Not with everything that has happened."
"But she's deserved it," Spike contradicted him.
"Of yourse she has. If anyone, then her. But she knows she's never really going to get it, and I think she has accepted it. Most of the time at least."
"But maybe I would be the one thing holding her back. Maybe what she needs is a normal guy, human..."
"Believe me, Spike, if there's one thing you never wanna do is tell Buffy what she needs, or worse, do what you think has to be done because she needs it."
"Huh?"
"Just stay and make her happy, Spike." Angel sighed. "I really can't believe I'm saying this, but - if she thinks she needs you, I agree with her. She knows best what's best for her. Try not to worry too much - when did that start anyway? Never thought you were that much of a thinker?"
"Perhaps you don't know me as well as you'd like to think then, mate." But Spike was smiling and then added, "I think your brooding hs started to rub off on me."
"Thought so myself." They both stayed silent for a moment, listening to the girls' chatter in the rest of the house.
Finally Angel spoke up again. "I mean it, Spike. I think you are good for her. And who knows what'll happen."
"Some things don't change, Angel. Especially the being a vampire thing. But I'll try and manage. Actually, I'll first try and stop brooding. Starting now. Can't be too good for my complexion, I think." Deciding he was hungry, Spike got up and went to the fridge to get some blood, by that managing to push all disturbing thoughts aside, at least for the moment. He couldn't afford to let Angel see too much of what - afflicted him. Well, that was a ponce word. It reminded him of something, but he couldn't really say of what. Trying to remember something as useless as that also helped to keep himself from brooding, he discovered. Good.
But Angel was still looking thoughtful. "Spike, there's something I have to tell you..."
He wasn't too sure he wanted to hear this now, but feeling grateful as talking to Angel had actually helped him he was willing to listen to him. But food came first now. After pouring some blood into two mugs and then putting them into the microwave to heat them up, Spike returned his attention to Angel. "What?"
"There's a prophecy... about a souled vampire."
"Huh. What does it say, then?"
"That that vampire might live one day... after having earned it, that is."
"Earned how?" Spike still didn't seem too interested. He was rummaging through the cupboards, looking for the Weetabix.
"By preventing the apocalypse, surving darkness, fighting fiends... the usual."
"Hah!" Spike triumphantly pulled out the Weetabix from behind some plates. He didn't really know why anyone would put it there, but he couldn't say he cared too much. "Well, that's gotta be you then, mate."
"What?"
"I know you're trying to say I'm the one to be brought back to life or what have you. I don't think so. You've always been prophecy vamp, just remember Stone Boy." Spike got the steaming mugs out of the microwave and shot Angel a questioning look while pointing at the Weetabix. Angel nodded, slightly confused. "Plus, I don't think I would want to be. I like being a vampire. So, don't you worry - even if someone comes up to me asking whether I'd like to be human, I'll send him to you, right?" He started to crumble up some of the Weetabix and put a bit into the mugs. Then he handed Angel one of the mugs.
"I mean it, don't worry. I'll be okay. That was enough brooding for one week at least. Here, enjoy this while you can." With that, Spike raised his mug in Angel's direction in a mock toast. "To make every day count."