I'm well aware that this situation was covered in the show, but this is my
version, if maybe the timing had been just a little different.
Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes in this - my beta's abandoned her duties by going on holiday ;-) Again, not sure of this chapter personally, but everyone else seems to be liking the ones I don't so I thought I'd post it anyway ;-)
Thanks again for all the lovely reviews - every time I say that I feel like I'm repeating myself, but I really do appreciate them all.
Please keep them coming. I need some motivation to write the last one. I've got the idea there, I just need some willpower, so if there's anyone who reads this and hasn't reviewed yet, PLEASE do so because it makes my day.
Stay tuned for the final chapter.
*****
Wonder Number Six - Forgiveness
*****
Please be home.
Please.
After scanning the apartment, my heart sinks.
Not home.
With a sigh, I throw my bag on the couch and drop beside it, glad of some form of comfort after a journey from hell.
Here I was hoping I'd come back to heaven.
Sometimes all I need is for him to wrap me up in his arms and never let me go - and this is definitely one of those times.
No such luck.
Delusion has nothing on this.
I manage to muster up enough strength to lift myself off the couch, and I'm about to go make a start on a cup of coffee when I spot something out of the corner of my eye.
Turning quickly, my breath catches in the back of my throat.
He's here.
Stood in the doorway of the bedroom, watching me intently.
Tear stained cheeks, rumpled clothes and matted hair.
But he's here.
I'm in so much shock from seeing him, it doesn't occur to me to ask why he's in this state straight away. And even as it does, I'm almost afraid to ask.
This is bad.
"How is he?"
His question throws me somewhat.
This isn't about him Carter, this is about you.
Nevertheless, I decide to answer.
"He's better. I gave him the depakote, and he's gone to stay with Maggie. I figure she's got more chance of talking him round and into a programme than I'll ever have."
No reaction. Carter, you're scaring me.
Swallowing my fear, I ask the inevitable.
"What's going on?"
Folding his arms across his chest, he takes a few steps forward. He looks almost defensive, and his eyes drop straight to the floor.
"Gamma died."
For the umpteenth time since I turned the lock, I'm too shocked to even move.
The only thing I'm aware of is our breathing.
Shallow, quivering intakes of air combining in the space between us.
Died.
I can't believe it.
I'm so shocked, I'm barely aware of the fact that he's still talking.
". . . and then I need to find a caterer for the funeral, I need to get hold of some more numbers of relatives, I've talked to Dad and he's on his way home and he said he'd contact Mom and then. . ."
"Carter. . ."
I feel dizzy.
He stops suddenly, his brown spheres now lifting from the floor and making contact with mine.
Taking a few steps forward, I reach out my hand to him.
I'm here.
I slowly pull myself towards him and wrap my arms around his trembling form.
He doesn't even flinch.
Leaning towards his ear, I speak softly.
"You don't have to be so strong."
His arms move from his chest and around my waist, gripping me tightly. I feel him shudder against my shoulder, as he finally lets go.
It's Ok. Things are going to get better.
We stand in exactly the same position for what seems like a lifetime. I won't move until he wants to. Until he needs to.
After a few more minutes he does just that, and within seconds we're sitting on the couch. Well, he is.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I climb onto his lap.
I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you.
Forgive me.
Please.
I look towards his face, but his head is bowed.
"Why didn't you call me, John?"
He mumbles his response, giving me a clue that it was obviously something he deliberated over.
"Eric needed you. I. . . "
I don't give him a chance to finish.
"So did you."
We sit in near silence. . . the only sounds coming from my lips as I feather light kisses on his cheeks every so often.
Letting him know that I'm here.
That I'll always be here.
I may have failed you in the past, John Carter, but I'll be damned if I let it happen again.
I feel his chest expand slowly, getting ready to talk once more.
"I went to see her earlier this evening."
He snorts lightly, reminiscing the visit just a few hours ago.
"I sat there for ages, just watching her. Thinking how different everything was. Thinking how different everything is going to be."
He tenses his grip around my thighs.
"For the first time in a while. . . I was scared."
Only now does he lift his head, his eyes piercing straight through my own once again.
"Do you know when I stopped feeling like that?"
Yes.
I know, because you've done it to me countless times before.
"The moment you walked in, I felt. . . safe. Still scared. . . but not half as much."
He drops his head again, but I catch his chin with my finger, guiding his eyes to meet mine once more.
"You're not going to go through this alone."
A lone tear slips down his cheek, and I catch it with my thumb.
"Promise?"
Leaning in, I plant a soft kiss on his dry lips.
"I promise."
Again, we sit in silence once more. Shifting slightly, I notice the clock on the VCR.
1am.
I wonder what time my shift. . .
"Kerry gave us both the day off tomorrow. I'm off for the rest of the week, and she said you could take it off too if you want."
He read my mind. Still, nothing new there.
"I'll have as much time off as you need me to take."
He shuffles forward, and we both move off the couch. Once again our arms wrap, covering each other's backs.
I don't need an answer from him. I know it already.
"The rest of the week it is then."
I grasp his hand tightly and lead him to the bedroom. I'm about to pull out some pyjamas for him when I notice what he's wearing.
Boxers and one of my big t-shirts.
I smile, for what feels like the first time in ages.
Pulling back the covers, I gesture for him to get in to bed and he complies. I plant a kiss on his forehead before undressing myself, then moving to the bathroom to begin my nightly ritual.
A while later, I emerge in one of his shirts after flicking off the bathroom light. I climb straight into bed, and I'm about to assume he's asleep when I feel his hand reach out to pull me close.
We lie facing each other, both listening to the other's breathing.
I remember doing this in the early hours of the morning in the early days of our relationship.
Times may have changed, but the simple things remain the same.
And most of the time, it's them that matter most.
Opening my mouth, I hesitate slightly before speaking.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here for you. . . "
"Abby. . . "
"No John, listen. I should have been here. Seems like all I've been doing lately is running around after my family, and trying to make everything better on my own. I'm realizing now that I can't do that, and that sometimes I need to. . . "
"Abby, your brother's sick. I understand."
"That doesn't make it any fairer on you."
For some reason, even though we're touching, he feels too far away.
Rolling us over on our sides, I lie on top of him. Shifting my body up slightly, I reach his face.
The moonlight from outside shines through the light coloured curtains, his eyes reflecting the glow.
Noses touching, breaths merging once more.
"When I saw you here tonight, you scared me. I've never seen you like that before, and a part of me can't stop regretting that I wasn't there when you heard the news. . . "
Leaning forward slightly, I plant a small kiss on the top of each of his cheeks, causing him to tighten his grasp around my lower back.
". . . to comfort you, hold you. . . like you would have done me. I'm so, so sorry."
It's just about all I can do to look him in the eyes. I can't stand disappointing people.
It's that exact fact that lead me here in the first place.
I didn't want to disappoint Eric.
But right now, lying here in his arms. . . I know that disappointing Carter is just as bad.
Worse, maybe.
I mentally scold myself for going down that road. I refuse to place them in order of importance - I won't do it. However, a little priority shifting may be just what the doctor ordered.
That I will do.
For him.
For us.
I lie down slowly, feeling his head lower to smell my hair.
After a few seconds of hush, I can just about hear his faint whisper.
"It's OK, I forgive you. You're here now. . . that's all I need."
Only now am I able to relax completely. I stay in my sprawled state across his chest, my own chest rising and falling with his breaths.
Very few times in my life have I ever felt like I'd want to stay in that moment forever.
But for all the times I have. . . he's been with me.
This is one more to add to the count.
I feel myself drifting off, but I'm brought back slightly by the sound of his voice.
"Abby?"
"Yeah?"
"Next time something happens. . . I'll call."
Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes in this - my beta's abandoned her duties by going on holiday ;-) Again, not sure of this chapter personally, but everyone else seems to be liking the ones I don't so I thought I'd post it anyway ;-)
Thanks again for all the lovely reviews - every time I say that I feel like I'm repeating myself, but I really do appreciate them all.
Please keep them coming. I need some motivation to write the last one. I've got the idea there, I just need some willpower, so if there's anyone who reads this and hasn't reviewed yet, PLEASE do so because it makes my day.
Stay tuned for the final chapter.
*****
Wonder Number Six - Forgiveness
*****
Please be home.
Please.
After scanning the apartment, my heart sinks.
Not home.
With a sigh, I throw my bag on the couch and drop beside it, glad of some form of comfort after a journey from hell.
Here I was hoping I'd come back to heaven.
Sometimes all I need is for him to wrap me up in his arms and never let me go - and this is definitely one of those times.
No such luck.
Delusion has nothing on this.
I manage to muster up enough strength to lift myself off the couch, and I'm about to go make a start on a cup of coffee when I spot something out of the corner of my eye.
Turning quickly, my breath catches in the back of my throat.
He's here.
Stood in the doorway of the bedroom, watching me intently.
Tear stained cheeks, rumpled clothes and matted hair.
But he's here.
I'm in so much shock from seeing him, it doesn't occur to me to ask why he's in this state straight away. And even as it does, I'm almost afraid to ask.
This is bad.
"How is he?"
His question throws me somewhat.
This isn't about him Carter, this is about you.
Nevertheless, I decide to answer.
"He's better. I gave him the depakote, and he's gone to stay with Maggie. I figure she's got more chance of talking him round and into a programme than I'll ever have."
No reaction. Carter, you're scaring me.
Swallowing my fear, I ask the inevitable.
"What's going on?"
Folding his arms across his chest, he takes a few steps forward. He looks almost defensive, and his eyes drop straight to the floor.
"Gamma died."
For the umpteenth time since I turned the lock, I'm too shocked to even move.
The only thing I'm aware of is our breathing.
Shallow, quivering intakes of air combining in the space between us.
Died.
I can't believe it.
I'm so shocked, I'm barely aware of the fact that he's still talking.
". . . and then I need to find a caterer for the funeral, I need to get hold of some more numbers of relatives, I've talked to Dad and he's on his way home and he said he'd contact Mom and then. . ."
"Carter. . ."
I feel dizzy.
He stops suddenly, his brown spheres now lifting from the floor and making contact with mine.
Taking a few steps forward, I reach out my hand to him.
I'm here.
I slowly pull myself towards him and wrap my arms around his trembling form.
He doesn't even flinch.
Leaning towards his ear, I speak softly.
"You don't have to be so strong."
His arms move from his chest and around my waist, gripping me tightly. I feel him shudder against my shoulder, as he finally lets go.
It's Ok. Things are going to get better.
We stand in exactly the same position for what seems like a lifetime. I won't move until he wants to. Until he needs to.
After a few more minutes he does just that, and within seconds we're sitting on the couch. Well, he is.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I climb onto his lap.
I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you.
Forgive me.
Please.
I look towards his face, but his head is bowed.
"Why didn't you call me, John?"
He mumbles his response, giving me a clue that it was obviously something he deliberated over.
"Eric needed you. I. . . "
I don't give him a chance to finish.
"So did you."
We sit in near silence. . . the only sounds coming from my lips as I feather light kisses on his cheeks every so often.
Letting him know that I'm here.
That I'll always be here.
I may have failed you in the past, John Carter, but I'll be damned if I let it happen again.
I feel his chest expand slowly, getting ready to talk once more.
"I went to see her earlier this evening."
He snorts lightly, reminiscing the visit just a few hours ago.
"I sat there for ages, just watching her. Thinking how different everything was. Thinking how different everything is going to be."
He tenses his grip around my thighs.
"For the first time in a while. . . I was scared."
Only now does he lift his head, his eyes piercing straight through my own once again.
"Do you know when I stopped feeling like that?"
Yes.
I know, because you've done it to me countless times before.
"The moment you walked in, I felt. . . safe. Still scared. . . but not half as much."
He drops his head again, but I catch his chin with my finger, guiding his eyes to meet mine once more.
"You're not going to go through this alone."
A lone tear slips down his cheek, and I catch it with my thumb.
"Promise?"
Leaning in, I plant a soft kiss on his dry lips.
"I promise."
Again, we sit in silence once more. Shifting slightly, I notice the clock on the VCR.
1am.
I wonder what time my shift. . .
"Kerry gave us both the day off tomorrow. I'm off for the rest of the week, and she said you could take it off too if you want."
He read my mind. Still, nothing new there.
"I'll have as much time off as you need me to take."
He shuffles forward, and we both move off the couch. Once again our arms wrap, covering each other's backs.
I don't need an answer from him. I know it already.
"The rest of the week it is then."
I grasp his hand tightly and lead him to the bedroom. I'm about to pull out some pyjamas for him when I notice what he's wearing.
Boxers and one of my big t-shirts.
I smile, for what feels like the first time in ages.
Pulling back the covers, I gesture for him to get in to bed and he complies. I plant a kiss on his forehead before undressing myself, then moving to the bathroom to begin my nightly ritual.
A while later, I emerge in one of his shirts after flicking off the bathroom light. I climb straight into bed, and I'm about to assume he's asleep when I feel his hand reach out to pull me close.
We lie facing each other, both listening to the other's breathing.
I remember doing this in the early hours of the morning in the early days of our relationship.
Times may have changed, but the simple things remain the same.
And most of the time, it's them that matter most.
Opening my mouth, I hesitate slightly before speaking.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here for you. . . "
"Abby. . . "
"No John, listen. I should have been here. Seems like all I've been doing lately is running around after my family, and trying to make everything better on my own. I'm realizing now that I can't do that, and that sometimes I need to. . . "
"Abby, your brother's sick. I understand."
"That doesn't make it any fairer on you."
For some reason, even though we're touching, he feels too far away.
Rolling us over on our sides, I lie on top of him. Shifting my body up slightly, I reach his face.
The moonlight from outside shines through the light coloured curtains, his eyes reflecting the glow.
Noses touching, breaths merging once more.
"When I saw you here tonight, you scared me. I've never seen you like that before, and a part of me can't stop regretting that I wasn't there when you heard the news. . . "
Leaning forward slightly, I plant a small kiss on the top of each of his cheeks, causing him to tighten his grasp around my lower back.
". . . to comfort you, hold you. . . like you would have done me. I'm so, so sorry."
It's just about all I can do to look him in the eyes. I can't stand disappointing people.
It's that exact fact that lead me here in the first place.
I didn't want to disappoint Eric.
But right now, lying here in his arms. . . I know that disappointing Carter is just as bad.
Worse, maybe.
I mentally scold myself for going down that road. I refuse to place them in order of importance - I won't do it. However, a little priority shifting may be just what the doctor ordered.
That I will do.
For him.
For us.
I lie down slowly, feeling his head lower to smell my hair.
After a few seconds of hush, I can just about hear his faint whisper.
"It's OK, I forgive you. You're here now. . . that's all I need."
Only now am I able to relax completely. I stay in my sprawled state across his chest, my own chest rising and falling with his breaths.
Very few times in my life have I ever felt like I'd want to stay in that moment forever.
But for all the times I have. . . he's been with me.
This is one more to add to the count.
I feel myself drifting off, but I'm brought back slightly by the sound of his voice.
"Abby?"
"Yeah?"
"Next time something happens. . . I'll call."