Title: Everlasting Peace and Happiness
Author: Cheridel
Rating: R
Feedback: Yes!
E-mail: Website: http/cheridel. Seasons 1-6
Distribution: Ask me first, please.
Disclaimer: Oz is owned by Tom Fontana.
Summary: Said and Beecher are visited by the spirits of Adebisi and Keller.
Posted to: TS Lyric Wheel Challenge and anywhere else I choose.
Song Title and Artist: "Papercut" by Linkin Park
Lyrics provided by: Lisa
A/N: All the of the problems Said faced during the 5th season actually happened in season 6, in this fic. Also, Said never gets killed.
A/N 2: / indicate the spirit is speaking and "" indicate the living character is speaking.
I. Said
The cell door slams shut and I am left in the dark. Once again, I find myself alone with my demons.
It was not long ago that I was always in the light; Allah's light. Allah kept me safe from the horrors that I had yet to discover about myself.
I fell into darkness the moment I killed Simon Adebisi. Even though it was in self-defense, the minute I plunged the knife into his heart, I became a monster.
I now know that Allah had intended for me to die that day and I shouldn't have fought His will. So for punishment, I am banished from feeling His divine presence. From being in His light. Cast out into the wilderness like the animal I am.
But I am not alone.
I know I've got a face in me. Adebisi's face.
Sometimes I see a flash of his face right before I lose my temper. Each time, he is always grinning, like he is proud of the beast that I have become.
He told me the night before he died that crime was what binded all the men in Oz; that we were all bad men, even me. I didn't believe him at the time, but I think now he has proven his point.
How did I fall so far, so fast? Why can't I redeem myself? Why can't I control my temper? Where did my faith go?
My rage didn't start right after Adebisi's demise, but grew steadily over a certain number of months. I prayed to Allah, begged Him to give me the strength to control my anger before my emotions dominated me.
I even begged Arif to help me control the fury and then, we were interrupted by James Robson and Vern Schillinger. Both men made my blood boil and I felt the rage flare inside me.
Robson was responsible for Salah Udin's murder, but Glynn claimed there was not enough evidence to prove Robson had orchestrated the crime.
Meanwhile, Salah died saving my life and I could not even make sure that the people who killed him were held responsible. I failed him.
/What about that new guy… Omar? You fail him too, baby./
I was not surprised when I heard Adebisi's voice in my head. He only talks to me when I am alone in the Hole. Most of the time I try to ignore the voice, but it always gets me to respond to it, one way or another.
And frankly, he's right. I am in the Hole right now because I failed Omar. I beat him because I caught him selling drugs. Because I thought that he was seeing the light. Because I was mad at myself for not being able to straighten him out. And if I couldn't help redeem Omar, I would never be able to redeem myself.
/That's too bad, baby. I knew you had a bad heart. Just like me./
"I am nothing like you, Simon," I say, through gritted teeth.
/We are all the same. We are all bad men./
"People change," I retort. "Salah Udin did."
I heard no response. I listened for a few more minutes and there was nothing but silence.
Suddenly, I had a revelation. I had proved to Adebisi that not all men in Oz are bad by mentioning how Leroy Tidd embraced Islam and became Salah Udin. That one thought was enough to give me hope that I could save Omar and in doing so, save myself.
I fell to my knees and began praying to Allah. As I did this, I felt a sense of peace. For the first time, in a long time, I felt at peace.
I never heard from Adebisi again.
II. Beecher
It has been three months since Chris died. I must have cried for days, alone in my pod. Finally, I was so numb that I just couldn't do anything, but lie in bed and stare at whatever was most convenient to look at.
Querns, Dr. Nathan, Sister Pete, and McManus all agreed after talking to me and several of the other inmates that there was not enough evidence to prove that I pushed him or enough evidence to prove he jumped. I was told that even though the investigation into Keller's death was over; the case would remain open.
Whether he killed himself or I killed him, it doesn't matter; it is still my fault. I think that he thought I completely hated him when I said that "he was death", but the truth was I never stopped loving Chris, not for a minute. If I hadn't told Chris that he was killing me, then he wouldn't have jumped.
Suddenly, Em City was blanketed in darkness.
Another thing I failed to mention was that at night, Chris talks to me. He does his best to rub in the fact that I killed him. I haven't told him anything about actually not hating. Even after everything that has happened between us, I do still love him. But when he jumped off the balcony and killed himself, it left me feeling extremely guilty, pissed, and heart-broken. He should have to pay a little first.
I waited about five hours and still there was no Chris voice. This was odd.
"Chris? Are you there?"
/Why? So you can treat me like shit a little bit more/
"I thought this was what you wanted, Chris. I thought you wanted to be with me forever."
/Not like this. Especially not with you being such a bitch./
"You're such an asshole, Keller."
He was quiet for several minutes.
/Toby, I gotta say something. I'm sorry I fucked up your parole. I just wanted you back. You don't know how much I missed you. But if you want me to leave you alone from now on, I will./
I considered what he said. But the answer was obvious. I couldn't lose Chris again, not again.
"Chris, when I said you were death, I didn't mean it. I was angry that you fucked up my parole and was just blowing off steam. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Don't leave, please."
By the time I am finished speaking, I can feel a tear streaming down my cheek and I was sniffling softly.
/Oh, Tobe. Oh, God, I love you. I won't leave you. Not ever. I promise./
I swear he choked on some of his words and I suddenly want to hug him. But I couldn't, so I said what I should have said before he died.
"Chris, I love you, too. And I won't leave you. Ever. I promise."
---
"Papercut"
by Linkin Park
Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It's like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right underneath my skin
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I
can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin
Chorus
The face inside is right beneath your skin (3x)
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me (Repeat until end)
Chorus (Repeat until end)