Title: Learning From the Past
Chapter 1: Different From the Others - Buffy's POV
Author: Cheridel
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Yes!
E-mail: Website: http/cheridel. Spoilers: Up through Wrecked
Distribution: Ask me first, please.
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is owned by WB, UPN, and Fox. Or one of the three.
Summary: Buffy and Spike think about mistakes they made with their ex-lovers, while trying to figure out the next step in their own relationship. Buffy and Spike POVs
What am I going to do? This man, this vampire, has been around for me when my other boyfriends had vanished.
Angel, who I always considered my soul mate, became soulless after we made love. He had been my first. The next day, when I finally found him back in his apartment, I remember him saying that I had a lot to learn about men and in his opinion, I pretty much proved that when we were making love.
It slowly dawned on me that he thought the whole experience was terrible and he'd rather forget about it. I asked him if I was the problem. Was I the one who was not good? In a voice dripping with sarcasm and cruelty, he replied, "You were great, really! I thought you were a pro!" Then, he laughed at me, a nasty chuckle that broke my heart.
I guess my experience with Angel is one of the reasons why I am scared to fall in love with Spike. One minute, Spike can be so sweet, but the next minute, he can suddenly become cruel. There is no way of telling what will happen with him.
My one night stand with Parker is another example of how screwed up my love life is. I actually expected that he was going to take me in his arms and love me forever. God, how nave was I? He told me that he thought that I knew it was just for fun. I was convinced sooner or later he was going to apologize for dumping me and we were going to live happily ever after. Not convinced, more like obsessed. It was like I wanted to be in pain, almost like I was welcoming it.
Then, of course there was Riley. The first mistake he made was having sex with Faith while she was in my body. I can't believe he didn't know that wasn't me. I felt violated by the idea of somebody having intercourse with my body, while I was not in it. And why didn't he know that I wasn't myself? Why?
But finally, I realized that he would have had to be a mind reader in order to know that Faith was in my body and not me. I began to trust and depend on this sweet, but terribly innocent wannabe commando guy.
My life was going so well. I was in love with Riley and I had my friends and family. But that was all going to change.
Spike was the one who told me about Riley and his weird vampire bite fetish. He even took the liberty of showing me what Riley was doing. He was almost giddy that he was exposing Riley. I couldn't believe either of them. They both disgusted me.
But it was out in the open now, Buffy Anne Summers, once again, couldn't satisfy her boyfriend in bed. So much that he had to go seek out some vampy tramp whores to suck his blood and make him feel alive and needed, in a way that I couldn't. In a way I didn't want to.
After I missed Riley getting on the helicopter by a mere few seconds, my life went downhill from there. Finding out my sister was the Key, my mother's death, and finally, my own death.
But now I am back, among the living... and the undead, doing my slayer duties, while trying to fight my attraction to Spike. Damn him, he has all the right moves. I can't resist him.
The night after we first had sex, I tried to hurt him before he got the chance to hurt me, like Angel and Parker did. I told him he was just convenient roll in the hay. I was not going to be the one in pain this time. But my plan backfired. He told me that he had gotten his rocks back and wouldn't let me beat him down anymore.
But even after how horrible I've been to him, he still hasn't left.
He's different from the others. He won't leave me.
He won't leave because he knows I need him.
Damn him! I hate him! I hate him because he knows me better than I know myself. I hate him because he cares too much for Dawn. And Dawn looks at him as a father figure and a friend.
He protected her, even after I died. He stayed in Sunnydale to protect her, even though he had nothing to gain by doing so. He kept his promise.
He could fit into the family so perfectly... he is perfect for me and Dawn... which is why I have to fight him like the plague. I am the one who has to worry about Dawn, no one else.
I have made up my mind.
But still, he haunts me; his voice fills my head, painting erotic pictures, images of us together, naked, trembling, sated...
He tells me how good we are together... and we are. We honestly are...
No, no, what am I thinking? I hate him! He gets me so angry!
But he's the first person to make me feel alive since I came back from the dead. I don't want to let that go.
I don't want to let him go. I don't want to lose him.
What am I going to do?