He sat in the crapped space and pulled the door shut. He was quiet for a
moment reflectful, then he pushed his back against the wall falling against
it as his façade faded and he cried long and hard. His chest hurt like it
was being squeezed tightly by some unknown and unseen demon but there was
none there. He wished there was a demon something corporal something out
and out evil that he could thrash. What he was feeling he couldn't fight,
he was so confused and lost in himself.
There was a darkness inside of him that he couldn't fight. What did he deserve? He thought that he'd deserved to be happy, to have a family. Just one person that loved him, even for a little while. A good memory of something real just one: "Oh God just one", he cried but then gave up, his throat ached at trying to talk and cry at the same time, besides he needed the silence. Where no one could see him fall apart.
Wesley forgot why he going to see Connor and stood confused. Was he going to apologize? He couldn't how could he just admit to being such a failure. He couldn't let anybody know who he really was. Least of all The Destroyer, Angel's precious son. He stood still in the dark suddenly unable to breathe. What was he doing? Why did he really want to see Connor? Why didn't he tell anyone that he was going to look for him? The questions quickly gave him a blinding headache but he was still keeping up his appearance, his stiff upper-lip. His father had always told him to keep that stiff upper-lip, he was always ashamed of Wesley and it didn't matter how well Wesley did at the academy, didn't matter how far he went.
The shadow and disapproval of Wesley's father had followed him, deep down he knew he could never do anything to make it go away. He would always be that sniveling little boy that hid in his cupboards to escape his father and to cry where no one could see him to be disgusted at his weakness. Maybe somewhere Connor was crying in a cupboard of his own, followed by the shadow and the disapproval Angel had tried not to give him. But had failed, Connor would be somewhere cold lost and with the shadow of two fathers, two fathers who he had betrayed and disgusted when all he did, he did to be loved and that was clear now.
There was a darkness inside of him that he couldn't fight. What did he deserve? He thought that he'd deserved to be happy, to have a family. Just one person that loved him, even for a little while. A good memory of something real just one: "Oh God just one", he cried but then gave up, his throat ached at trying to talk and cry at the same time, besides he needed the silence. Where no one could see him fall apart.
Wesley forgot why he going to see Connor and stood confused. Was he going to apologize? He couldn't how could he just admit to being such a failure. He couldn't let anybody know who he really was. Least of all The Destroyer, Angel's precious son. He stood still in the dark suddenly unable to breathe. What was he doing? Why did he really want to see Connor? Why didn't he tell anyone that he was going to look for him? The questions quickly gave him a blinding headache but he was still keeping up his appearance, his stiff upper-lip. His father had always told him to keep that stiff upper-lip, he was always ashamed of Wesley and it didn't matter how well Wesley did at the academy, didn't matter how far he went.
The shadow and disapproval of Wesley's father had followed him, deep down he knew he could never do anything to make it go away. He would always be that sniveling little boy that hid in his cupboards to escape his father and to cry where no one could see him to be disgusted at his weakness. Maybe somewhere Connor was crying in a cupboard of his own, followed by the shadow and the disapproval Angel had tried not to give him. But had failed, Connor would be somewhere cold lost and with the shadow of two fathers, two fathers who he had betrayed and disgusted when all he did, he did to be loved and that was clear now.