Title: His and Mine
Author: sereace
Disclaimers: Don't and can't own these characters.
Warnings: Er…I don't know…the usual? Conventional pairings…though this one did kind off stick by with the traditional one…I think.
Summary: Dao Ming Si's POV on Shan Cai's and Lei's platonic relationship… Yeah, I think that sums it up.
Every time he looked at him looking at her, he could see a reflection of himself. The look in his eyes, the way his lips curved up in a smile, the way he let go of all pretenses, of the way he sheds off the mask he so carefully constructed over the years in a flick of a wrist for the her sake…it was like he was staring at a mirror, watching himself. Only, he knew he was not.
He wished he could dismiss it, the way the other could. How he could just say whatever they had, have, and will ever have could only be friendship was beyond him, because he knew he could not, not when he was in his right mind. She was the only woman he could and would ever love—perhaps because she was the only one who had the guts to show him exactly what love was.
He was thankful that his friend was stupid—emotionally wise, that is. 'Always saying things that could never be seen by someone who thought not as deep as he did,' Dao Ming Si almost scoffed as he thought of Lei. He lived life the way life presented it to be lived, it was simply a matter of riding the car to get where you are going, rather than walking to it, right? Why did Lei have to make things so complicated? Why do you have to go in circles when you could go in one straight line?
Still, he envied his friend. Always did, and it seems, always will, to an extent. When he was young, he envied Lei of his parents, though outwardly strict, he knew Lei and his father were close. Even more so with his mother, it would seem, for there are times when he, Mei Zhuo, and Xi Men would visit Lei and find him and his mother in the garden, playing word games, or something that is related to mentally challenging oneself. At that time, they all thought it was torture—after all, why do you have to study when you're at home? Dao Ming Si could also not comprehend how, when Lei's parents could spend time with him, his' could not. And that was to say that his parents were based on Taiwan then, and Lei's were already coming back and forth, from Taiwan to Japan. In school, too, when it was still a necessity for them to attend—Lei always got everyone's amazement. He topped their class without effort, simply by being quiet and keeping to himself. Their respect too, even when he did nothing and everything at the same time. Lei was plainly the embodiment of perfection, and he was not. But even then, he knew he could not begrudge him of that, of any of that.
They were even the closest of friends. As much as F4 was one, it was also divided into two. How else could one be whole if it was not separate in the first place? Mei Zhuo and Xi Men were the closest, as he and Lei were. How it came about, he had no idea. Only that those who dared come forward and go against Lei he countered back, because Lei never seemed to do anything about it. And he, Dao Ming Si, had learned even in that early age that no one should trespass him and his wishes, and all those who he hold dear. Lei was his friend, despite everything he felt. It was just that simple.
When they were of age, it was given fact that Mei Zhuo and Xi Men got their share of the women—but they would all flirt first with Lei, probably because he seemed more approachable of the two of them. He wore a scowl, while Lei wore a mask that said nothing.
Then came the source of his current unrest. He didn't doubt her, he doubted himself. Before she even saw him her eyes had been set on Lei—he was but a scoundrel that lurked in the shadows, while Lei had been the angel that bathed in light. Even all that they had been through, his mother's plotting, the obstacles she herself has placed between them…he felt insecure, whenever they were together. It didn't help he saw for himself they do fit each other. It just so happened he believed them, he and Shan Cai, to fit better.
'But you can't really blame me,' he tried to rationalize wayward thoughts that taunted him of not having enough faith on her words. 'Is she ever that at ease with me? She never smiles at me like that…never talks without thought, never just shares with me her feelings, and she's always, one way or another, erecting a barrier of some sort. Like she's about to leap away whenever I come too close!' He gave a pause then, thinking of his actions. 'Well, maybe I do come close…like going inside a room without knocking first.' He snuck a hopefully discreet peek at the pair who was currently arguing whether or not caffeine is good for the body. 'While Lei just waits at the door and patiently waits for it to open…even if it takes forever…' He reached for his cup of soda absently, and toyed with it. He watched as the dark concoction swirled about, creating mindless pattern. 'Perhaps…perhaps I should let her take her time. Maybe I should slow down my pace a bit, enjoy the scenery as it is…maybe then she would start thinking all I do is push her to bend to my will…'
"That's cheating, Lei!"
His head snapped up to look at Shan Cai holding an empty cup of her drink. Lei all but smiled, whereas he knew he would have reacted violently and loudly to that remark.
"Is it? How was I to know your cup was still full, while mine was already almost empty? Besides, you issued the challenge yourself." Came the quiet, lilting voice of his best friend.
Mei Zhuo and Xi Men only laughed, while he looked on, with an almost detached expression. He and Shan Cai—they were both loud, they were both impulsive, aggressive on anything else but to each other, where Lei and Shan Cai…Lei was quiet where Shan Cai was loud, he was calm when she was frantic, he was stoic and she was expressive…
"Dao Ming Si? What's wrong?"
Her voice, the soft, melodious harmony that was gentle and concerned broke him from his trail of thought. His troubled eyes met her questioning ones, but he could only shake his head and give her a small smile. "Everything's fine...I was just…thinking…"
"Ah Si? Thinking? Those don't match up to the same sentence, don't you think, Xi Men?"
"Yeah! I know, I thought for a while back there the world was ending."
It was natural for these two to crack up the most unimaginable jokes at the most…well, sometimes, opportune of times, and he was thankful to them that they did. His reply was as well automatic—they've been doing this for all their lives.
"Did I ask for your opinion?"
If possible the two laughed even more, and this time, Shan Cai and Lei joined in. He did, too, only half-heartedly. He was getting tired with all this thinking…he wanted to just enjoy this day with the people closest to his heart.
His gaze met Lei's purely by accident, and the other's held half a question, and half a statement. Lei knew what he was thinking, he always did, and it was unnerving. Lei leaned back, and nodded his head, before looking down. It was an admission of…what, exactly? Not defeat, for Lei never had to nurse with that emotion. That he was backing out? Dao Ming Si knows his best friend, and he could bet his entire fortune that it was for his sake, he, Dao Ming Si, that Lei was backing down. He felt instantly ashamed of himself—what he had thought of before, it was almost betrayal. Lei would never steal Shan Cai from him, not unless he gave him a reason to.
As much as he was certain that he loved Shan Cai, Lei loved her, too, if not as much, then more. How then, if it was not the case, could he choose to let go of her?
Dao Ming Si smiled back, it was the only thing he could give that Lei would accept. What he knew Lei desired, above all else, was someone he could not give…because he desired it as well.