Disclaimer: I still don't own Inuyahsa. I'll be going to counseling tomorrow to come to terms with this fact.
Author's Note: I think that, sadly, this will be the last chapter of my first fic! It makes me a little depressed to be honest. Oh well. This last chapter was actually kind of frustrating to write. I hado to keep everything logical (since I'm a logical kinda person ^_~) and yet at the same time make it fluffy. GAH. I hope I succeeded. Review and tell me please!! Also, keep an eye out for a one-shot M/S story that I'll be writing in a couple of days. If you liked this story, then I'm pretty sure that you'll enjoy the next one ^_^
The Reality of Things
Chapter 6
Memories, dreams, nightmares, all of them were molded into one. She could barely define the beginning and end of each thought as it raced through her mind in an unending cycle of torment in her tired brain. At first, there had been only one moment in time that had replayed in her mind…the death of her companions and father by the hand of her brother. But then the warmth had come, and she had found a brief respite from the gnawing cold and darkness that she felt growing inside of her. The comforting presence left her all too soon; for at the moment of its departure, the darkness had closed in on her again. There was a feeling deep in the pit of her stomach that screamed at her, telling her to awaken. But she couldn't. She had no desire to, not after the memories that she was being forced to relive. She was dying on the inside. The pain she felt from these memories was acute, the emotional and physical trauma sharpened by the insidious residue of the oni, causing it to multiply, until she could no longer distinguish that she was, indeed, in a world that did not exist – except for in her own mind.
The memories began with the death of her mother. She didn't understand why her mother had never returned to her, or why, in her place, a brother appeared in her life. She had been too young to realize that her mother would never come back to her, and so she also did not understand why her father seemed incapable of holding her brother, or showing him the same acceptance that she had always known from him. She was too innocent to know that her father, deep down inside of him, blamed her brother for end of her mother's life. When she did become old enough to understand, she also saw the weakness in her own father as well. She had trained to become the best exterminator that she could be, simply because she had no other outlet for her anger. Through her training, and through her observations of her father and brother, she felt the ever growing frustration and anger inside her when she saw her brother try so hard to earn the respect of their father. She knew that even though her father loved them both, there was still a part of him that ached every time he looked at his son. It was the same part that blamed himself for his wife's death, even though it was unwarranted.
Sango hated these memories. She had always preferred to hold on to the times where she and her brother were peaceful together. In her now dream state, she was forced to confront her worst fears about her sibling. She was incapable of remembering the beautiful times that she and her brother had shared with family, with Kirara, with the village. How they would play in the meadows and fields surrounding their home. Instead she could only ask herself the questions that she so often tried to push out of her mind. Would she have to kill him? Would he die? Would he ever return to being the same care-free boy that he once was? Who will remove the shard from his back? If he even lives long enough after it is taken out, will she even be near to tend him? Would she be able to live if he died?
Would she ever be happy again?
'No' her mind screamed. There was no way that she would ever be as happy as she once was. With the spread of the oni's bad influence burning through her blood, her thoughts were dark. How could she ever be happy again? She thought bitterly. Her life had been stolen from her though her body still lived.
Naraku
That was it. The beginning and the end. Naraku just about summed up her life at this point. He ruled all of their existences. They talked about Naraku while they ate; every fight, they fought to get closer to the final battle with Naraku. They didn't even know if they would survive. They probably wouldn't. What was the point? Why were they even bothering? There really was no point.
Take Inuyasha and Kagome's cases for example. They were both spinning their wheels needlessly. Inuyasha fought for what? Becoming a full demon? To get revenge for Kikyou? Sango saw no point for this.
She didn't understand why he was risking his life for no good reason. He could become a demon if he just got rid of his sword. Sure he would become bloodthirsty and without a conscience, but it didn't matter really. The only one that would really care would be Kagome. But even that wouldn't matter, because he had already chosen Kikyou…who was dead…who he promised to follow to hell… So why was he even bothering to become stronger if he was just going to throw it all away? And then Kikyou herself…there mere fact that he would die for the same woman who killed him was just silly. And in the process of all this, he would be killing Kagome. So really, what was the point of searching for the shards and hunting down Naraku if you were just going to die anyway?
Yet another reason why she shouldn't even try to open her eyes or bring her body back to motion.
Kagome. Poor girl. It was amazing that she was even still here. She was constantly putting herself in danger so help Inuyasha – who in turn was just going to leave her anyway. Again – why was she even bothering? She wasn't fighting for anyone's revenge, and technically she could just go back to her time where everything was just so simple and easy. A little jealousy crept into her thoughts at this. Everything was easy for Kagome. She had her family unit in her time, was loved by everyone in this time, and the only scar that she carried was the small little cut in her side from the Shikon no Tama. That was hardly fair. Her body was covered in scars…scars that no man would ever bare to look at with the eyes of a lover.
She tried in vain to push that thought out of her head. But she didn't really have control. And as a result, the name 'Miroku' surfaced in her thoughts. She was plunging even deeper into the dark abyss in her mind now. The fears that she had about Miroku were very close to her heart. She didn't think that anyone knew of them, not even Kirara could suspect her of the feelings that she had…right?
Originally when she had joined the little group of travelers, Sango often had nightmares about her brother in the power of Naraku. Very slowly, her subconscious had begun to show her deepest worries through her nightmares apart from her brother. She had begun to dream of the monk.
All sorts of terrible situations formed themselves in her mind. They ranged from the houshi going off with one of the various women that he groped, to watching him die from youkai, humans, and his Kazanaa. With each dream that she had, she felt her heart was torn from her chest. It was a terrible feeling. Wanting what you can never have. Wanting what is so close and yet just out of reach. Wanting a man that didn't want you.
Kami but it was getting hard just to be around him. She couldn't understand if he even thought of her as woman, or just something that needed to be groped. She often tried to puzzle it out, wondering if it even mattered. Even if they did manage to…come to terms with whatever feelings they had for each other, they both had missions to accomplish. She couldn't move on with her brother's fate still undetermined, and he was living with his curse. She knew that he was afraid of sucking them all in, and she also knew that he was probably afraid to let anyone love him. It had taken her awhile to reach this conclusion, but even when she had, it provided no comfort. No matter what their reasons for not being close, the fact remained that she loved him, and she didn't think that he loved her back.
She would constantly vacillate between thinking that he did love her, to knowing without a doubt in her mind that he didn't feel anything but warm friendship for her. Being with him was daily torture. She had no temporary relief from his presence as Kagome and Inuyasha had from each other. There was no well, no "other time" that she could escape to just to think. When she was with him, she felt so many conflicting emotions…would they ever work out? Could she ever…could he ever…
Suddenly, she felt – odd. There really was no other way to describe it. She had spent so much time in her present physical state, she hadn't even noticed that she was freezing, and was secretly longing for the warmth that she had previously experienced. What was going on? She felt her body again after feeling separated from it for hours. She also felt lighter, brighter, as if a large weight had been taken off her shoulders and the clouds had lifted.
In a moment, she remembered all of what she had thought before. She shuddered to think of her jealousy of Kagome. She had never felt that way before in her life. She certainly never wanted to again. She would have to find out what happened to her, as soon as she awoke.
Suddenly Miroku's face swam into her vision. 'How odd. Why…?' she wondered. This was all very strange. But somehow things seemed a little clearer. She loved Miroku. That was a fact. Nothing could change that for her. So what was stopping her from acting upon it? His feelings right? But there were times that she thought that he loved her. 'Goodness, this warm fuzzy feeling certainly makes one optimistic.'
Alright, she thought to herself. Going on the assumption that he actually has…feelings for me, what's to stop us from being together?
As she answered this question within herself, she felt strength surge through her. She didn't know to what she should attribute this new found energy, but she was going to use it to open her eyes at the very least. She finally fluttered her eyelids open, only to be started by Miroku's face looming over, and feeling his lips meeting hers. She was too stunned to do anything. At first she felt numb from shock, but after only a moment of the contact, she felt sensations jolt through her, along with…tears?
Not hers, surely. Miroku's?
It was true, tears were running down his cheek as moved his lips against hers. She couldn't imagine why he was crying, but she saw that it was obviously her job to cheer him up. Besides, this was just too good an opportunity after her recent thoughts to pass up.
With no consideration for her own wounds, she moved her arms so that they draped behind his neck, holding him to her as she responded to his kiss. Sango didn't even notice the painful way that her side wound was being stretched by the position. She felt him stiffen as she tried to bring her body closer to his, and as he returned to reality.
He hastily broke away from her, mumbling an incoherent apology as he placed her back on her futon. He never made eye contact with her as he stumbled out of the hut and into the cool, damp night.
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Miroku blindly walked across the field outside of the village. "What was I thinking? I know I've wanted to do that for awhile now, but I practically forced myself on her! She wasn't even conscious! She might have…um… reacted in an unexpected way, but I'm sure that she'll kill me when she realizes what just happened. I'll have to try to apologize to her. Kami, she'll never love me after something like this…"
Miroku had to be honest with himself though. Even as he sat on the hill and looked up at the now full, bright moon, he knew he would not regret what he had just done. He would hold the memory of that kiss close to his heart for the rest of his days. However long that was.
He had never felt that way with a woman before. He was far from being an innocent, but he was equally far from being the rampaging sex-freak that his companions thought him to be. He had not been with a woman in years, especially not after meeting Sango. Actually, his experiences with women were limited to the geisha houses that Mushin-sama had taken him to. He had never even kissed a woman that he liked before, let alone loved. With Sango…she had made him feel more with one kiss while she was barely conscious, then the few geishas he'd been with had with all their tricks in the art of love. How could that be? It wasn't fair that he would never get to kiss her again. But he wouldn't let himself. He loved her too much and respected her too much to force any unwanted emotions of his on her. She would have to come to him. As if that would ever happen. Too much was dividing them. Naraku, the shards, her brother, his curse…how could he ever ask her to be a part of that?
He had barely even finished this thought when he heard soft footsteps approaching him from behind. He didn't even need to turn around to look to see who it was.
"Shouldn't you be resting with the injuries that you have?" he asked her softly. Sango did not fail to notice the slight blush on his cheeks as she sat down beside him, allowing herself only a brief glace of his countenance before shyly turning away. Her lips still tingled from the kiss they shared, and her body grew uncomfortably warm as she thought of it. She steadied herself with a deep breath, and spoke.
"Miroku…I … what happened?" she asked tentatively.
"You were attacked by an oni that feeds off of your fears. It took the shape of the spider youkai that you fought. I awoke because of a – vision – that I had. I found you just as you received the gash in your side. I'm sorry Sango."
"For what? You were obviously the one that saved me. Since I was so incapable of defending myself" she said bitterly.
"You were very capable Sango. You could not help that your opponent snuck up on you, and attacked you with your own fears. Besides, I'm apologizing because I should have been there sooner, I should have remembered to say the prayer…"
"What prayer?" Sango turned to him at that.
"The prayer I always say after we defeat something. It calms the spirit, and removes any residual essence of the youkai or spirit. In this case, the oni manifested itself by increasing your bad karma. I'm sorry that you had to relive the memories of your past. I watched you as you suffered, and blamed myself. It is my fault, and I accept full responsibility. For that, and… other things as well. I took advantage of you, and for that I am sincerely sorry" he said humbly. He looked down at his hands folded obediently in his lap, unwilling to make eye contact with her.
Sango closed her eyes. This was the opening she had been waiting for. It was all or nothing this time, and no going back. "Miroku, I know that you think you took advantage of me, but to be honest, I really didn't mind. In fact I – enjoyed it. Quite a bit actually." She saw him sneak a glance at her, and took this as encouragement to go on.
"Miroku, I – I don't know what you're thinking right now. If it's disgust from losing your control with someone like me," she saw him open his mouth in protest, but spoke over him "or you're embarrassed, or what. But I have to tell you. When I was unconscious, I was really thinking very deeply about our companions and about…us. My thoughts were all very dark and pessimistic for some reason, but I think, as soon as you held me, I realized something. Actually I realized several somethings. I discovered that the reality is, I love you." She said simply. "I have for the past several years now. My love for you will not leave me, no matter how hard I try to ignore it. I now know that the reasons I gave to myself to try to convince me that I was just being silly, and that it was just a crush, were wrong."
She did not even glance at him as he asked her quietly, and in a broken voice, "what reasons were those?"
"I felt that because of the uncertainty of our quest: Kohaku, the final battle with Naraku, and most of all your Kazanaa, that all of these things were somehow legitimate reasons not to let myself love you. The very reasons that were holding me back, I have found, should be the reasons that force me to act upon my emotions. We have too little time on this earth to waste it in waiting and hoping. I don't want to die at Naraku's hands knowing that you never knew that I loved you. To me, that is worse even than seeing the man let myself get attached to die, because at least he would know my emotions and perhaps have been made happier by the knowledge. I don't know how you feel, I may never know. I just wanted to let you know that I love you, and that I am always here for you, regardless of your feelings for me. I," her voice broke, and she rose from her seated position, "I am content now. I am glad that I may at least call you a friend and companion. It is enough, even if you don't love me. Arigato houshi-sama for listening to me." She bowed awkwardly, her wounds hampering the motion.
Miroku could only stare dumbly after her as she limped away from him. Did that just happen? She had just confessed her love for him with the straightest face imaginable, effectively convinced him that all of his doubts about her were foolish – that all of his doubts about them were foolish, and he had just let her get away un-kissed! To say that he was numb with shock would have been an understatement. His whole brain had shut down after Sango had said "I love you". He never thought that he would hear that come from her lips. Those same lips he had kissed only minutes before. He was still staring at her retreating form when she tripped and fell on her path back to the hut. It was what finally galvanized him into action.
He ran to her side and helped her sit up. She didn't have the straight face on anymore. In fact, there were tears streaming down her cheeks, and she had begun to breathe in short hiccups. As soon as he knelt by her side, she hastily covered her face with her hands, leaving a very surprised and worried Miroku to gently pry them away again. He cupped her cheek in his cursed hand, and wiped away a few of the tears that continued to flow.
"Sango, arigato. Thank you for showing me true bravery tonight. I would never have been able to do what you have just done."
She glared at him, "thank you houshi. But I am in no need of your pity. And I can walk on my own, let me up."
"Sango! You're misunderstanding me. I love you too! I never thought that you returned my emotions. Your strength, your beauty, your kindness and compassion, they all set you apart from the other girls. I could never pity you, only admire you for all of your wonderful traits. I'm sorry that I've groped you and treated you badly, but I was scared. Just as scared as you originally were. I'm terrified that I will cause you unhappiness because of my curse, and because of our quest. But, if you are willing to overcome such obstacles, I would find it easier if you were by my side. What I mean to say is…Sango, would you be my wife?
Her eyes opened wide with shock. So much had happened in the last half hour. She went from deathly ill, to being kissed, to confessing her love…to this. It was all quite a bit to take in, but she managed it. She gave a sloppy, tearful little sniffle, and flung her arms around him with a loud sob. She cried into his shoulder as a release from all the tension. The memories, the pain from her injuries, the pain of telling him that she loved him, all of it was released in one gigantic flow that would not stop. He was as understanding as he always was, although doubt had begun to take root in his heart when she did not answer right away.
"Sango?"
"Yes?" she sniffled.
"Umm… will you?"
She heard the worried tone in his voice and looked up into his worried and scared eyes. "Yes!!" she cried. "Yes you silly baka hentai! Of course I'll marry you. Silly little housh…" he cut her off by covering her mouth with his, unwilling to wait for her to finish. Oh, this is very different from last time, she thought. Very very different. The depth of the kiss surprised her at first, but she had always been a fast learner. She quickly caught on, and responded to his kiss. She was smugly satisfied with herself when she made Miroku, the oh – so experienced lover, moaned from her actions. She was just getting started when he broke away. She pouted a bit, but got over it when he whispered in her ear,
"Would you like me to carry you back?"
Under normal circumstances, she would not have enjoyed this suggestion at all. She would have taken it as a hint that she was weak. This time however, she looked forward to the close contact that they would be sharing. She only vaguely remembered him holding her when she was first injured, and looked forward to repeating the experience while she was fully conscious. She nodded her assent, and felt him tenderly raise her in his arms and kiss her lightly on her hair, breathing in her scent at the same time.
They began to head back to the village. Miroku looked down at his now fiancé lying in his arms, and couldn't help but ask, "are you sure? Are you positive that you don't mind my curse? I really don't know how long I have left…"
"Of course I'm sure. Do think that you could get me to do anything that I didn't want to do? Besides, I'm the one who started all of this, I would think that I knew what I was talking about. And Miroku, your curse is a part of you that has made you into the man I love. All I can do is pray that we will defeat Naraku in due time. Until then, I'm glad that we have this, right now. No curse, no Naraku, can take this away from us, ne?"
He smiled at this. "Hai." He felt her raise her head slightly and kiss him shyly on the cheek, then on the jaw. She grew bolder with every passing moment, and gradually worked her way down his neck and to his collar bone, where she gave him a playful little lick and kiss and settled back down. He shivered at the contact, and thanked the gods that she had convinced him to put aside his worries and doubts. But it was going to be a long night of cold thoughts for him.
He smiled. It was worth it. The future looked less lonely and bleak to the both of them as they neared Kaede's hut. This was the place where their companions and dearest friends were. They were not alone anymore, and they realized that they never really were. But now, they could face Naraku with one another's strength, and secure in each other's love.
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OOOOOHHHH MAN. I just gave up an entire night of sleep to write that. You better review people. This was really frustrating to write!!! I am NOT good at writing fluff!!! I would much prefer to make fun of Miroku try to control his urges as his was thinking in the second to last paragraph. Much more humorous. I can't believe that I just ended a fic with the word love. *grumblegrumble*… maybe I'll hold off on that one shot and write something dry and witty to get myself back to myself before I go off and write more lovey-ness. Wow…anyway, that was the end of this fic, but I'm most definitely not finished writing yet! So please review and read any stories that I might cook up in the future.
(I'll probably just end up writing fluff until I croak – but what the heck – review anyways!)
*If you e-mailed me, I responded to your e-mail. Or I will as soon as I wake up. Its 4:35 in the morning – gimme a break.
Haha, thanks again to those of you who reviewed, I'm grateful to you all for your input. It is most appreciated, and I hope that I have returned it in some way as well.
Ja ne!