I should have ended it there. I should have explained to Claire that there had been a misunderstanding, that she wasn't the one I was in love with. But instead, I kept my mouth shut and went along with it. I was too afraid of what Claire might do if I rejected her. Claire doesn't deal well with not getting her way, and she isn't someone you want to be around when she's angry. But the thought that scared me the most was that Claire would betray me. I knew that if she couldn't have me, she would settle for the next best thing, which was to make my life miserable. She would expose my secret, and that was something I could never live with.

So Claire became my girlfriend. Besides working my way up the social ladder, keeping Ethan in check, and hiding my feelings from Lizzie, I now had to also worry about keeping my "in the closet" girlfriend happy. The last thing I needed then was more shit to deal with, but I suppose it was my own fault. I was baffled the most by how well Claire had kept her secret. She had always seemed so jealous of me and Ethan, but I had never dreamed that it was because she wanted me, and not Ethan. It was an intriguing side to Claire, and as angry as I was about having to go along with her little crush, I was impressed nonetheless. She was every bit as crafty as I knew she could be. I made a note to learn from her techniques, so that I could hide my own feelings more effectively.

Kissing Claire was awkward. Watching her watching me was unnerving. Seeing that look in her eyes was almost frightening. All this time, I had never known. I had never even imagined. I had never seen her act this way around anyone, let alone me. I didn't like the thought of Claire being someone completely different from what I thought she was.

"Button," said my mother as we ate lunch together on Sunday. "What kind of party are we planning this year? I'm thinking we should step it up a bit from last year. It is your sweet sixteen, after all."

I sipped my diet coke and contemplated, gazing across the table at my mother. "Sure thing, Mom," I replied in my ever-plastic tone. Birthday parties were something of a touchy subject to me. I was naturally drawn to the idea of being the center of attention, but repeated disasters with birthdays in the past gave me an overall bad feeling about them.

My mother grinned, her professionally bleached teeth gleaming. "Wonderful. We'll get started right away. Is it this Saturday or the one after?"

I laughed softly, bitterly. "It's this Saturday. My birthday is September twenty-seventh, remember? I'm pretty sure you were there that day sixteen years ago, unless of course you were out of town."

She tossed back her head in a feminine laugh. "Oh, Kate, sweetie. You've got your father's infectious humor."

"Oh, totally." I got up and briskly exited the kitchen. My mother did not seem to notice the sarcasm in my voice. She never did, of course. She only laughed again, not realizing the joke was on her.

I was worried about how to act at school the following Monday. It had been such an outrageous weekend. First, my heart-to-heart with McGuire, and then my sudden "relationship" with Claire. I kept having the fear that everything was going to be awkward, and that somehow it would all blow up in my face. My fears were in vain, however, for everything went as normal. Lizzie and I ignored each other as usual, and Claire acted completely calm. It was as if nothing had happened at all. I noted to myself that Claire was a much better actress than I'd ever assumed she was.

In first period, piles of mug shots were stacked along the back table, just waiting for Claire and I to sort through. The yearbook staff was scattered around the room and chatting with each other. The talking continued even as the tardy bell rang at last and the morning announcements came on.

"Ahem," Penny hissed rather loudly. "Let's all be respectful and shut up for the announcements."

The talking faded away as the principal's voice droned on through the speaker in his deadpan voice, "...and the water fountain is not to be used for bathing at any time, even after school hours, Mr. Kessler. Finally, we would like to offer our congratulations to Hillridge's own Penny Hawkens. This weekend it was announced that Penny's essay won the State of California's Youth Social Awareness Award. She's made us all proud. Now please stand for the pledge of allegiance."

As the class mumbled the pledge unenthusiastically, I noticed that Penny look particularly radiant that morning. She stood tall and smiled as she recited the pledge, obviously glowing with pride for herself. I had to give her credit. She was able to master beauty and brains, which is no mean feat. Anyone can be beautiful, if they know the tricks. And anyone can be academically successful if they work hard enough. Sure, there are always those who are naturally attractive or naturally smart, but any idiot can pull it off if they really want it. But Penny took on them both, and she was good at it. She had all of Hillridge High absolutely wrapped around her finger. I genuinely looked up to her. I knew that if I watched her, learned her tricks, that someday I would be her.

"Kate," said Penny, turning to me when the announcements had finished. "Don't forget about the poll today."

"I'm all over it," I told her, even though I had, in fact, forgotten all about it. "Oh, and... Congratulations on your essay."

She beamed. "Thank you."

* * * *

Lunchtime came around and I walked into the courtyard with pen and paper in hand. I searched through the sea of faces for Claire, who I'd recruited for help with the poll. I found her in the area our clique usually occupied. She was standing a little ways away from the group, talking to Ethan. They seemed to actually be having a nice conversation, which meant something was definitely up. Ethan and Claire hadn't gotten along since middle school.

Claire saw me coming, and waved. She muttered a few last-minute words to Ethan and then moved to greet me. "Hey girl," she said.

"What were you and Ethan chatting about?" I asked suspiciously.

"Oh, you know Ethan," she said. "He has no idea what to get you for your birthday. Actually, he didn't even remember it was your birthday until I brought it up."

"Oh." I had been expecting something much more devious, but her story actually made sense. Ethan can't even remember his own birthday. "Well, you told him to get me something good, right?"

She smiled. "Of course. When have I ever not had your back?"

I could have listed off for her several times when she didn't have my back, one of them being our seventh grade social studies project, but I chose not to say anything. I wasn't in the mood for bickering. "Right. Well, come help me with this stupid poll. We have to make everyone else feels like their opinion matters." The two of us laughed.

* * * *

"Let's see some pep, ladies!" screamed Georgette Skyler, our captain. "We don't win state competitions by sitting on our asses!"

With a collective groan, the members of our cheerleading squad returned to the gym floor after a water break. I glanced desperately at the clock on the wall as I walked to my position to run our competition routine yet again. It was seventh period, the end of an exhausting Monday, and I was more than ready to go home.

Georgette pressed play on the stereo and a fast-paced dance mix began to pour from the speakers. Robotically, I hit my marks and danced in time with music. Focusing on my moves proved to be nearly impossible; my mind was somewhere else. So many things were weighing down on me just then. Dealing with Claire's sudden affections for me proved to be quite an annoyance. There was also my birthday party to worry about, yearbook deadlines, cheerleading competition, the threatening looks Gourda and Esmerelda kept giving me, my endless confusion over Lizzie, and the ever-present feeling that all of it was going to cave in on itself at any moment.

"Sanders, flash us a smile! Frowns don't win state competitions, people!"

I smiled with false cheerfulness as we continued through the routine. When we were finished, all of us were sweating and worn-out. Georgette looked ready to make us run it again, but we were rescued by the ringing bell.

I went into the locker room and removed my sweaty gym clothes. I reapplied my mounds of make-up, rebuilt my hair-do, and made myself beautiful for the world yet again. Not that I couldn't look hot doing the whole sweaty cheerleader thing, but one should learn moderation. I laughed softly at that thought as I coated my lips with lip gloss. Over-doing it had always been Lizzie's flaw. She just tried too hard; too much make-up, too many accessories, and all around too much effort. I knew better than anyone that she was gorgeous, but it was the fact that you could tell she overdid it that made her different from me. It's what made me stand-out, while she faded into the crowd as just another wannabe.

"Katums," said Penny, approaching me with her ever-present liveliness. Now here was a girl who knew the art of subtlety. And yet… I couldn't help but feel there was something not quite right with Penny. I knew she had a weakness, I just didn't know what it was yet. But if anyone could see through her, it would be me.

"Yes, Penny?" I asked with a smile, packing my things into my bag.

"Do you have the poll results?"

I nodded, opening my pink binder and handing her a few sheets of paper. "Here you go. Claire and I covered just about the entire courtyard."

She looked over the papers skeptically, the kind of look on her face that was supposed to make me feel nervous as she judged my work. "Not bad," she said at last, stowing the poll into her own bag. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Later." Penny walked away, and I threw my bag over my shoulder. I felt like I could have collapsed right there. Brighten up, Sanders, I thought tiredly to myself. It was time to paint on a smile and walk out into the world again, looking beautiful for that same sea of endless faces.