!I do not own Cowboy Bebop!
SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1I am free to live
Spikes POV
I stood by my grave and looked down at the place where she cried that she loved me. I knelt down where her tears fell on the dying grass. I stared at the places where she pounded her fists into the soft earth. I winced as I pricked my finger on the same thorn again by accident; the same thorn that Faye pricked her finger on that day. I have suffered many injuries before, falling out of churches, my eye, broken bones, stitches, and even sword slash marks, but none compare to the pain I feel when I prick my finger on that thorn. I feel as if when I prick my finger that a whole wave of someone else's pain flows into my body, paralyzing me. I know who that someone else is too…Faye. I know it, even though it is unspeakably difficult to even think of her name. I often replay my past in my head like Faye's video cassette, only instead of trying to remember, like she did, I'm trying to figure out what went wrong. I suppose the largest mistake I had was leaving; well, no, actually, the way I left. I had to leave, I had to close the door of my past, and the only way to do that was through Vicious. I remember after fighting him, hobbling down the once grand staircase, Thoughts came pouring into my head, visions kept pouring into my head. I knew that something was happening; I knew I was waking up from a lifelong dream.
'Julia…I… am so sorry things didn't turn out the way we wanted them too. You knew I never wanted to hurt you in any way, but it looks like you died because of our dream. I never thought things would have turned out the way they did. If I had known you would have died because of this dream, I would have let you go a while ago…I would have let you go and live your life with someone else before it got too involved. I will miss you Julia, but not for long anyway. It looks like I'm going to be with you a lot sooner than I thought I would. It looks like we will be living a dream together after all. Although it will be a totally different one.
Then a wave of nausea swept over me like a burning fire.
Faye… Faye I can't even think of what I did to you, of what I should have done for you. I left you there like Julia left me. I broke your heart and left a burn in its place, didn't I? Oh god, if I could only make it up to you, If I could only make you see… that you make me want to be a better person. Faye you make me want to improve myself, and you don't even know it. You bring out sides of me, I never even thought existed. You, in your own way, got in through my closed heart and began to open windows of happiness. You made me feel happy, content, and at peace, but at the same time you made me want to see my mistakes and correct them myself. In every instance of my life I have fucked up, this one is the one, where feel by far the worst. I'm sorry I'm going to die Faye, unless some of these Syndicate asses feel up to saving me. I'm going to die here with a mountain of regrets on my back. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye to you properly, and I'm sorry I never as kind to you as I'd like to have been, but I'm sorry most of all for all the pain I caused you. Goodbye space cowgirl.
That's when I put up my hand, and shaped it into a gun.
'Bang'
Then I lost all consciousness.
Ever since my latest near-death experience I changed. Who couldn't have changed after a near death experience and waking up from a life-long dream? I am still not sure if it is a good change, or if I like it, but I have become, how should I put it? I guess more passionate. I don't know any other guys who would just openly cry like I did in that bar. I just felt so horrible when I looked her pain filled emerald eyes, I felt like I was looking at her broken, crying heart. Wow, that was a strong analogy, broken crying heart; I would have never thought I would be thinking of that. I was never that emotional toward Julia or anyone else. I am actually on that emotional when I am around, or think about Faye. I don't know why I picked that time to become that way, either. It might not have even been me, it might have been an act of god, or even more plausible, an act of fate. I think it might be a sign that I should change, that I am now meant to change. It might even be the sign that I have finally waken up from my lifelong dream with Julia and Vicious. It probably is the sign that my past is finally behind me rather than ahead of me. I can finally live now, rather than just dream, I can live with them on Bebop. I am free of my past, free to live my life from now on, the way I want to live it. Free to live with Faye...free to live with my Faye.
I should have never left her crying like that, I should have never said to her those things I said. I should have told her that I'll never forget her, I should have held her, and told her to move on and forget about me, but I didn't. I did none of those things, and I know why too, I am too damn selfish and arrogant. I have always been selfish and arrogant, since before I could remember. I have never cared about the consequences of my actions, I certainly didn't then. The only thing on my mind was killing Vicious, and dying, to see Julia up in heaven; that was it. I was so blinded by my own arrogance and selfishness that I didn't see I was killing the people closest to me, Ed, Jet and especially Faye. The thing that kills me the most is I can't blame my behavior on any one else but myself. I can't blame it on Vicious, I could never blame it on Julia, and most certainly cannot blame it on Faye. This mess of a life that Faye and Jet lead now is my entire fault. If I hadn't left her crying then everything would be different, everything would have changed for the better. If I wasn't so selfish, Julia and Vicious could have been alive. Perhaps Vicious and I would have not been enemies. If I wasn't so selfish I'd probably be back on Bebop with Jet, Ed and Faye.
Through the past two years I wished that they would come back to Mars to try to find me. That must sound crazy, looking for a dead man. I thought that Ed would stumble upon the encoded bounties though. I would have gone looking for them, but my Swordfish II was sold to a pawn shop. I met the guy, he said he would try to hold it for me if he didn't have any good offers on it, or any of its parts. I haven't seen him though in months, it could be gone for all I know. There is a special bond between a man and his ship. It's the only thing that will take the abuse you give it and only ask for a hangar in return. That ship, even if it was a reddish almost pink color, and an antique, was the best ship of them all. That thing can do anything, we are a team, being able to pull any bounty off with twin machine guns, a cannon and a high powered engine. We had our fights though, I would kick it, and it would stop in the middle of space for no reason at all. Each Ship, car, machine has its own personality that matches to only one person. The Swordfish and I are defiantly the perfect personality match. We are true partners, and I doubt that the Swordfish will ever perform as well as someone else, as it does with me. It reminds me of the stronger bond between Jet and I. Jet and I are the dysfunctional partnership everyone envied. Actually, we are the dysfunctional family every one wanted. He is the older brother I never had, and the dad I always wanted. I miss the guy a lot. I miss our small talk, our drinking games, our smoking bonding time, even his cooking, well, I miss making fun of it. We are the best bounty hunting team this side of the galaxy, there was nothing we can't do. He makes getting a bounty easy, it's as if we have the same brain or something, perhaps we are telekinetic. I miss just hanging with him, He is a great guy. He would make a terrific father, if given the chance. I'd hate to see the lady who would marry the guy. Nah, I'm sure his wife would be just fine, although I doubt he'll find another girl after his girlfriend on Ganemede. The closest he'll come to an actual kid is Ed. she is crazy, but she is a good kid, who is really smart, I bet she has grown up in these two years.
I was so sure that they had found the Syndicate bounty postings. When I saw Jet at that bar It thought that he was looking for me. I was at complete dismay when I had found out not only had I revealed to my best friend I was faking my death, but figuring out that they weren't here to find me. I lost it, I snapped at Jet and insulted Faye, I think the vodka played a role in it, but I should have known better. I deserve a lot more than a punch in the face.
I felt a cold breeze swirl around me, a spring fresh aroma filled the air, it reminded me of that day when Faye came to my grave with the long-stemmed red rose with all its thorns. I remember that I was there visiting Julia's grave, which was on the other side of the cemetery. I was still mourning for her and what happened to us. That mistake was the easiest to mourn about. I had just begun to get up and go back into hiding, I'll get into hiding later, when I heard a voice that seemed to some from the past. I thought I was losing it, but I looked at where they had, had my funeral and sure enough, Faye was there at my grave, sobbing. I don't know why we had both picked this particular time to come to the cemetery; I guess it was fate's doing. I listened as to her cry from behind a tree, trying to figure out what she was going to say. What I heard made my heart shatter into a million pieces, and my body go numb. I collapsed down behind the tree in shock and disbelief. I remember talking to myself.
'I thought I hurt her, but never this much. I feel like curling up and dying right here. I can't even fathom the pain I feel. I feel what she feels. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest.'
'She thinks that I didn't care about her at all. I wouldn't blame her, this was all my fault.'
'I was never there for her. I always had some jack ass excuse or comment why I never went after her.'
'She was always there for me. She thought that she didn't even help much or wasn't wanted, but I always wanted her there, I was just too damn cocky to admit it I guess.'
'The thing that hurts the most is that she loves me. She loves me in spite of what I did to her. I never knew she loved me that much. I had a hint that she did have a crush on me, but I would have never guessed that she loved me, especially after something like that.'
'That is the strongest love I have ever heard of, and it came from the same person that I crushed. I hate myself.'
'Dammit why couldn't just see that before? I almost inadvertently threw it all away I am a dumb ass.'
'I can't take this any more, I can't stand not being around her. Her velvet violet hair, her deep emerald eyes, her coy little smile and her rose pedal soft skin. I miss her, I miss her so much, I can't even go over there.'
I just wanted to run over there and hold her and tell her that I was sorry and that I will never let her go. I wanted to cradle her in my arms and whisper in her ears that I… I love her. There were an infinite number of reasons why I didn't go though.
The first was because of Julia. I had, at the time, not quite gotten over her loss. I was in love with her, after all. I thought to honor her; I would wait until after I felt perfectly ok with it, to go to Faye. I still sometimes dreamt of Julia and the fairy tale life we could have lived. I looking back on it now, find it impossible to have a fairy tale life with out Faye though, as corny as that may sound. In order to lead a fairy tale life with Julia, I would need, I think, more than just Julia. In order to lead a fairy tale life with Faye, I didn't need anything else.
The second reason why was because I didn't know if Faye would still love me if I had been alive and not told her or Jet. What were the chances that she would believe a farfetched story like mine any way? I don't think she would ever love me again, I think the pain I caused her would have been more than she could bear. She would have given me up and gone for some other guy who appreciated how beautiful and special she was. I guess I was still selfish, wanting Faye's love to last and not to be jeopardized by me.
The third, most complicated, reason was because of the cemetery security guard near where Faye was. If I went over there, Faye would tell me that I was dead, but I actually was alive. If that cop ever found out Spike Spiegel, otherwise me, was alive, then he would alert the ISSP and then my cover would be blown. Every bounty hunter this side of the galaxy would hunt me down and turn me in to whichever Syndicate, or ISSP, paid them the most. I had to stay hidden, so that I wouldn't be killed by Scythe or his ring of hired bounty hunters.The last thing I wanted to do is die, but the last thing I wanted to happen is to be found alive. If only someone else besides those stupid Syndicate saved me then, everything would be different. I couldn't go back to Bebop because I would drag Faye and jet into the Syndicate mess. I wanted to go back badly, but I couldn't because of one fatal mistake I made, of giving Scythe the position of the leader of the Red Dragon syndicate. I remember waking up in a hospital three weeks later.
'Where am I?' Immediately my memory of past sped through my head. The heart shattering Vision of Faye crying stuck in my head.
'Why Mr. Spiegel you have finally regained consciousness, now we can talk.'
I turned to see someone I have never seen before, He was tall, but not lanky like I was, he had a more muscular build. He had dark hair that was pushed back, but not slicked back, it was if his hair naturally grew that way. He was formally dressed in suit and tie, his tie having the emblem of the Red Dragons on it. The most distinct feature of him, however, was his steely slate blue eyes.
'Who are you?' my voice scratchy from lack of use
'I am Scythe, A prior associate of the late Vicious.' his slate blue eyes flashed and a small grin came on his dark face
'Why are you here? Did you bring me to this hospital?' I looked at the IVs in my arm and scratched at them, I noticed that most of my wounds had almost completely healed including the large one on my abdomen.
'We need to talk about the future leader of the Red Dragon Syndicate.' He laced his fingers together and smirked, his slate blue eyes suddenly became sharp.
'What's there to talk about?' I sharply hissed back, I could tell I wasn't going to like this guy, he seemed like he was hiding something.
'Technically, Mr Spiegel, you are the next person to ascend to the leadership position.' He leaned in like a businessman trying to get the attention of a client.
'And...' I wanted to know why he cared if I was the heir or not, he seemed suspicious, I couldn't put a finger on what exactly though.
'Well, quite frankly, I'd like to take that position off of your hands, in return, all charges of you killing Vicious will be dropped.' He smirked and he stood up beside me
'What's the catch?' The deal sounded like a great one, I wanted nothing to do with the Red Dragons anymore, I just wanted to live in peace back on Bebop, with Faye, Jet and Ed. Only they could help me get over Julia.
'You will have to fake your death; you will have your funeral in the cemetery downtown. Allow me to elaborate, you will have to fake your death, and stay in hiding, in order for no bounty hunters to find you, and turn you in.'
'Why do I need to worry about bounty hunters if the charges will be dropped?' I asked, something about this deal was a little odd
'There were syndicate witnesses to the murder Mr. Spiegel, If you are still alive, it will raise questions. Those questions might just make people wonder about my liability. I can't just kill them because some of the witnesses were members of the Black Pegasus Syndicate and I can't kill other syndicate's men in a time of peace between the Syndicates now can I?' he produced the speech flawlessly, It was almost as if he had thought of the answers before hand. I really was getting a bad vibe from this guy, I wanted him to shut up and leave me alone
'Why can't I get an alias and not stay in hiding?' I bet he is getting irritated with my questions. It's fun irritating people, especially people who seem to take what they are talking about seriously.
'The ISSP found you here in the hospital, they know what you look like, they will find you with an alias.'
His eyes flashed again as he shifted his weight in his chair showing me a glimpse of a gun in his breast pocket.
I didn't want to fake my death, or get shot for that matter, but I had one more question, 'Why do you care if I'm found or not?'
'I don't want you saying in the interrogation room that I put you up to this, I mean I would look suspicious right? A person, who until now, had no direct relation to the Red Dragons, suddenly appear as the leader.'
'I suppose, Ok fine, I'll accept the offer, under one more condition.' I smirked as I looked around my room and saw the open window
'What is that?' he looked curious
'You pay my hospital bill.' I smirked and put my hands behind my nappy green afro of hair.
'Deal' he shook my hand quickly, and walked from the room 'Oh and one other thing, not a word to anyone about this. You are now officially dead, Spike Spiegel, not a word' He then took out his gun and shot it at me. The bullet pierced the pillow and a red capsule in the bullet cracked open making a red stain on the pillow. It looked like real blood I noticed it was the same color.
'Who would I tell?' I took out the IVs and hunted for my clothes and gun. I found my washed clothes, but no gun. I gritted my teeth.
'You never know... the people who will set up your funeral arrangements perhaps...' His slate blue eyes flashed as he put on a white doctors coat and ran out down the hall.
'...' I was immediately reminded of Faye, I woke up from my dream life to only find out I am to stay away from her. some life I get to lead now, maybe some day I'll find her again. I quickly opened the window to me tenth story room and climbed out scaling down the building slowly.
I didn't like that last thing he said, it sounded like a threat to me. If I had known he would take the position only to illegally put bounties on my head, I would have killed him in the hospital room. There is one thing, however I have yet to figure out and that is why hunt me down? Why not just leave me be, I mean why in the hell would I squeal? Something didn't add up, and this in one mystery I have yet to have figured out.
Just then a cemetery security guard came up behind me.
"Excuse me sir, but I see you here often I just thought like saying hi." the seemingly friendly guard smiled, he was short and stocky and he had deeply set red eyes under glasses. He had brown hair and balding. He was not, however, the same guard I saw usually around here. This didn't stick out because I bet no one likes to work in a cemetery anyway.
"Hello, actually this the first time I've seen you here, there is usually a taller guard on duty. My name is…Goujo." I answered thinking about this little security guard and why he came up to him.
"Well, no one usually pays attention to cemetery security guards do they?" He chuckled and grinned lowly "Just call me... George." His red eyes flashed and turned to walk away.
"Curious George…curious." I muttered under my breath as I saw him walk slowly away towards the gate of the cemetery
I looked down at my head stone again, I sighed a heavy sad sigh. A type of sigh I am now getting used to. I was just about to head out of the cemetery when I heard a voice from the distance, like a sweet warm melody in my ear I turned around quick.
"Spike... Spike are you here?" I heard a shaky voice call out across the cemetery in the direction of Julia's grave
"Faye... is that you?" I yelled, I hoped I didn't sound as exited as I felt. I looked and saw a distant figure in the distance wearing yellow. I saw the figure turn and run over to me.
"Spike, you're here, I knew you would be!" She seemed excited to have found out where I was. She ran into my arms and I held her small figure tight. I didn't know what to say I felt as if my heart had melted I was so happy, I didn't want to talk first, I didn't want to ruin the moment, no matter how short it may be.
"Spike... why did you run from me in the bar? Could you not stand to be around me?" I heard her melodic voice ask as she looked into my eyes
"No, that wasn't it, To tell the truth I couldn't stand what I had done to you...It hurt too much to stay." I said looking down into her spherical emerald eyes.
"I know... about the syndicate bounties, Is that why you never returned to Bebop?"
"The main reason, I didn't want to get you in jeopardy. I also didn't have a ship either." I grinned
"We had to sell it to pay for your funeral!" She snapped, apparently hurt that I was thinking of my ship at this time.
"I'm sorry, but that was the main reason." I looked at down at her with an apologetic smile
"Jet and I have a plan to rid you of those bounties, We are going to go after you and 'kill' you in the process." She looked at me hopefully for approval
"I trust you, it sounds like a good plan." I tried to put on a hopeful act, but Syndicates were very hard to fool. I tried to force my self into believing this plan of theirs, but it was hard considering that there was a slim margin of error.
She smiled, I love that smile of hers, It has a certain seductiveness mixed with the equally as proportional innocence. Before I knew it, I pulled her close to me as I leaned down and kissed her lightly on her lips.
"Spike..." She looked at me with sad eyes "Spike, I love you, but I hate you for leaving, I understand why you didn't come back or at least I think I do-" I put a finger to her lips
"Faye, as much as I hate to admit it, I had to leave. I had to face my past that one last time to put it behind me. The thing I regret is how I said goodbye, I left you crying there. What I should, and wanted, but didn't do was to hold you and say how much I loved you." I looked down at her trying to figure out what she was going to do next. I tried looking deep into her sparkling emerald eyes to read them.
"Spike, I thought you loved Julia." She threw her arms around my body as I felt warm tears against my body
"Faye, you have always been there for me, you loved me when I was too blind to see it, and cried for me when you noticed I was abandoning you. You make me want to become a better person, by opening your heart and showing me my many, many flaws. I thought my chest exploded when you cried for me at my grave that day, I never want to hurt you like that again." I looked down at her and my expression turned more serious
"I will never hurt you like that again, I owe my happiness and life to you Faye. You make me want to be alive, Julia was a good girl, but I never felt as nearly as deeply for her as I feel for you. Please believe me that I am sorry." I looked away, at first not wanting to hear what her answer was, If it was no, then I seriously would just turn myself in to the syndicates.
I then felt the light touch of her fingertips turn my jaw towards her as she kissed my lips softly. She broke it off slowly and whispered "I love you space cowboy."
"Spike, I forgive you. You don't know how hard it is to hold even the strongest of grudges against you, do you?" She laughed and her eyes twinkled.
"What can I say, I'm irresistible!" I laughed
"I wouldn't go that far lunk head." She elbowed me in the side as she leaned against me
I don't exactly know what came over me, all I knew is that I wanted to kiss her. I took her in my long arms and kissed her full on her lips. Her lips felt warm and sweet as they parted and I slid my tongue in gently. I put my hand on her soft cheek and held it there as I strengthened the kiss more. I felt her smaller tongue slide up and down mine as I explored her mouth fully. I wanted to know everything about her. I felt her hand slide around my neck and push through my green hair. I then pulled away gently and looked down at her through love's eyes.
"Hey, um, where do we go now?" I asked curious since it was only afternoon.
"Well, you did say something about your Swordfish, We are going to get it back. I called Jet when I came over here and we are going to meet Jet at the pool hall you guys were at, to talk about the plan." She grinned and twirled her finger around on my chest.
"How are you planning to get the Swordfish back? Do you have money?" I asked
"My luck turned around at the craps table." She smirked as we exited the cemetery and went towards her Red Tail
I laughed as we left, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the Security guard had been looking at us, that bothered me a little, but I didn't let it get to me. I was with her, and everything seemed to be turning around. This is the first time I have ever been in the cemetery when I haven't even wanted to go to Julia's grave. There have been times that I have been at the cemetery, and didn't go to her grave but wanted to. This time, however, was very different than the last times. I finally feel alive.
"Hey Faye, um there's a problem." I said
"Huh, what is it?" She turned and looked at me
"Can both of us can fit in the Red Tail?" I laughed scratched my head to add full effect
"Fine then, I'll go alone." She said as she smirked coyly
"No, we both have to go, I have a deal set up with the guy, and you have the money." I told her as I grinned
"The Red tail is my ship, and what I say goes, I'll go alone." She smiled coyly as she turned to get on the ship
"I don't want you going alone, ok?" I finally confessed half reluctantly
"Ok, we will go together." She said "I fly though." she grinned as she poked me on the arm
"Ok, that's fine with me." I agreed
I really don't know how we fit inside that thing but we did somehow. We kind of shared the seat only she was more in my lap, I think we might have accidentally fired off a few rounds of machine gun fire trying to take off. She ended up taking off though. I got elbowed a couple of times, and I think so did Faye. Since I was partially behind her, I held her tiny frame from behind, and kissed all around her neck while she was piloting. I half consciously cupped my hands around her breasts and gently massaged them. I heard her giggle my name and something else, but I was too busy taking in her spring breeze scent and kissing her gently on her soft skin to take notice. I learned that if you are going to kiss someone while they are piloting make sure they aren't planning to make a 90 degree turn; because then you will end up bumping heads. We finally got to the pawn shop and we got out.
"Spike, I'll buy the Swordfish, but you owe me, big!" She laughed as we approached the owner
"I already know that." I ginned as I walked beside her putting my arm around her
"Hello there, what may I help you with?" the owner asked
"Um, I was wondering if you still had the Swordfish I sold to you?" Faye asked stepping forewords
"Oh that… are you sure you want it?" he asked uneasily as he led Faye around to the back of the pawn shop to the junkyard
"Yes, I'd like it back please." She told him as he took us the Swordfish II half buried in junk
"That will be about, 25,000 woolongs." The man told her quivering, I thought this odd.
"I only have 20,000 woolongs, is that enough?" She handed him the money as I bit my lip
"Its ok Faye, 5,000 is on me, if you let me take care of Spike." I heard a voice cut coolly across the junkyard
I turned around to see Scythe looking at us with his slate blue eyes.
"Hey, you're the guy from the casino…what do you want with Spike?" She glared at him
"Nothing much, except for him to share the same fate as Vicious." His slate blue eyes flashed at me
"Faye get out of here now, let me handle Scythe." I yelled to her taking a fighting stance
"She isn't going anywhere." He smirked as the faux cemetery security guard appeared from behind some junk and held a gun to Faye's head
"Spike!" She shrieked as the security guard grabbed her gun from her shorts and emptied it of its clip. I heard him click the safety and look at me with blood red eyes.
"Scythe let her go! She has nothing to do with anything!" I yelled
"Oh, but she does, you are going to suffer the same doom that Vicious suffered, seeing his loved one being slowly be taken from him." He then motioned to the guard. The guard took his gun and whacked Faye, hard, in the back of the head.
"Spi-" she gasped as her eyes glassed over and she slumped over in the guard's grip, unconscious.
"FAYE!" I yelled as I charged at the guard full force, wishing I still had my gun.
"Spike you stupid bastard, you don't get that you will never get to have her." His slate blue eyes flashed as he took out a gun and shot me in the chest. I lost consciousness as I fell to the ground.
Scythe…I'll get you…you son of a bitch I'll get you…