SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1
Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings, and all its characters, races, and creatures, as well as our beloved Middle Earth, belongs to JRR Tolkien.
"I've got it! I've got it! I've got it!" Haldan shouted as he entered my room the next morning, oblivious to the fact that I had been sleeping soundly at the time. I blinked as I sat up, wincing at the pain that was still with me, although it was duller this morning, and seemed to have settled a bit lower down in my side.
Haldan was brandishing a tall pitcher of water with a fairly tall glass on a tray. He set his load down on the table by the bed, his face beaming as if he had just discovered the cure for every human disease with which Middle Earth had ever thought to plague her lesser children.
"You must drink, drink, drink of the water, and then tinkle in the chamber pot yonder until there is a resounding 'clink'. You, my dear, are suffering from a kidney stone—I would bet my immortal life on it, I am so sure of my diagnosis." He had been filling the empty glass with water as he ranted, and handed it to me to drain as he continued. "I beg forgiveness for not thinking of it last night, but the circumstances of your arrival, and your pre-existing condition threw me off. Not a good excuse, I know, but give me a minute, and I will think up a better one. Oh, I know! It is a largely human illness—one that Elves do not suffer from at any rate—so it was not in the forefront of my mind. Yes, that is a much better excuse, to be sure."
"Breathe, Haldan," I laughed, "I fear you will pass out from lack of air. And yes, it makes very much sense and is a logical diagnosis. I cannot believe I did not think of it myself. Of all the times to not be retching! Nausea usually accompanies the pain of this malady, although I can say with relief that I am not missing that particular symptom much, if at all."
"Yes, yes, my dear Maeren," he was still beaming, "another thing which threw me off the track, I must say. Your only symptom was that relentless pain. It does still plague you this morning, does it not?" He did just manage to add the last comment with the smallest bit of sympathy, at least.
"Yes," I replied, "though it has moved a bit lower, it is still there. It is only a dull ache, not a sharp pain, thank Eru, or I would be retching, you can be sure."
"Well, drink up and cheers!" Haldan exclaimed, much too brightly, if one would ask me. I would need to remind him that pain was involved in passing this thing, and that cheer hardly had a place in the process, except at the end, when success was at hand.
I had been in the cheering section because of a kidney stone before, but never the one having to do the actual work of passing one. I had held many a quaking hand, shivering with the intense pain of it, as the stone worked its way down from the kidney, catching on the walls of the vessel in which it had no business being in the first place. Valar, how I hated the thoughts of this. Perhaps this was as bad as it would get. The pain didn't always have to be excruciating—it just usually was.
"Haldan," I said hesitantly, hoping he would go for my plan, "I do not have to stay here to pass this, do I? I can go and be miserable in my own room, may I not?"
"Of course, Maeren," Haldan assured me. "I will accompany you back to your room, and bring with me some valerian—that will probably suffice for the pain, do you not think so? If things become unbearable, send Nivia to me, and I will come and comfort you. There is truly no reason why you must stay in here, when you would be more comfortable in your own bed. If you feel up to it now, proceed to dress, and I will make up a few packets to leave with you. I won't be long."
"Uh, Haldan," I stammered, "I would do as you direct, but I have nothing in which to dress myself, so I suppose I will simply bundle up in the blanket and be gone, all right?"
"It matters not to me," he replied. "Be at ease for a few moments while I make up the packets. But do drink, and drink some more. The more we flood Mr. Stone with liquids, the further he will move along, and the faster he will exit, will he not?"
"And one more thing, Haldan," I said, beginning to feel a bit cross. "Your cheer would be best reserved for the end of the affair, take my word for it. I am in no mood for happy faces and jolly voices."
"I stand corrected, dear lady," Haldan said, his face and voice losing their cheerfulness, but his eyes retaining their sparkle, and the corners of his mouth threatening to turn up at any second. "Of course you are right. How obtuse of me, to forget you are in pain. My apologies. I am simply so delighted to have figured out the puzzle, that is all!" The last sentence was again as jolly as the first one he had said upon entry to my room.
It seems there was no dampening this Elf's spirit.
While Haldan saw to gathering some packets of valerian for me to have on hand in my room during my time of trial, I saw to my morning's call to nature. As I had feared, it only proved to be an exercise in agony, unfortunately. And it confirmed Haldan's diagnosis, for not only had there been no relief after I had relived myself, there was a distinct tinge of red mixed in with my 'tinkle' as he'd named it, in the chamber pot. After I was finished, I sat on the bed and sipped the water dejectedly until Haldan returned. He hadn't taken long, and then we both left the Healing Halls, and made our way through the corridors and up the stairs of the house, back to my room. Haldan helped me back into bed, tucking me in and making sure a tall pitcher of water and a glass were close at hand.
"I will leave word in the kitchen to have juice brought up soon—and Maeren, please try to drink all of it. Especially if the retching should start. You must keep the natural levels of your blood as normal as you can during the baby's gestation; upsets such as this can wreak havoc with your system." Haldan stopped and smacked himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand. "I am sorry if I am telling you things you already know—I tend to forget I am speaking to someone who is a healer herself. Please forgive me. I mean no slight; I hope you believe me."
"Haldan," I said, almost frustrated, "of course I believe you. Female healers are almost unheard of—at lease among humans. I know not how common they are among Elves. So consider yourself forgiven. Now, go on about your business. I will be fine. If I need you to be holding my hand, I will send for you, all right?"
"That will be fine," he said with a smile. "Should I try to find a bit of company for you? Perhaps one twin or another? An Elf lord—not named Erestor?"
"Go to no bother," I said lazily. "I will try to sleep while the pain is not horrible."
"In that case," Haldan said, as he set about drawing the drapes all around the room, "I will make it darker in here." He was still in the room, I suppose, for I had not heard the door open or close, but it was so dark that I could no longer see him. However, I jumped in fright when his voice suddenly sounded very near to my ear.
"I am sorry for frightening you, Maeren," Haldan said in apology. "I forget you cannot see me as clearly in the dark as I can see you. I was going to say that the chamber pot is directly beside the table below you here, should you need it." He gave it a slight kick with his boot, for I could hear a faint ring. "Anything else you can think of that you may need, before I leave you to sleep?"
"No," I replied sleepily, for he had already dosed me with valerian again. "I am fine for now. Only just thank you again, Haldan, for being so sweet to care for me—that is all."
He patted my shoulder and dropped a kiss on my brow. "Tis what I am here for, my dear Maeren," he said. "Now sleep. I will check on you before too long."
"Haldan," I said, before he could get away, "if I am asleep when you come back, please do not be waking me up. I fear this will get worse before it improves, and I will take all the comfort I can before that time comes."
"You have my promise on that, my dear," he said sweetly. "Now sleep. Good night."
This time I did hear the door open and close, meaning he had left me this time. I settled cozily into the bed and was asleep within minutes. Also within minutes, it seemed, I was dreaming a very strange dream.
I was wandering in a darkness so complete I could have been blind. In fact, I wondered if I was not, for I could not see even a hand held before my face, yet I continued to wander. I knew not where my destination was—I knew not where my feet took me. I simply wandered. I was very tired and heavy with child—the King's child, and he was somewhere in the darkness making demands of me. 'Do not have a girl child—I shall have her beheaded for the crime of being female.' 'My son will live in the Citadel with the King and Queen where he belongs. He will be locked away so no one will know of his sin of being a bastard, but he will be with me always, and you shall not see him for the rest of your life.' 'He will be named Aragorn III, though no one will see him, nor know of his existence. And if you will not be silent, Maeren, I will silence you, for the secret of his sire must be upheld.' I was afraid to run, for I was all but blinded by the darkness, but I had to run from the King, lest he get his hands on my child. I could not let the baby fall into his evil clutches—my child's life would be forfeit if such a thing would be allowed to happen. Boy or girl, it mattered not—my baby was as good as dead if its father ever beheld it. So I started to run, but did not get far, when I tripped and fell into what must have been the widest and deepest of chasms. I started falling deeper and deeper into the bottomless hole, and I began to scream—
And I woke up screaming, but it was no longer so totally dark. A lamp had been lit, and I was staring into the startled gaze of Nivia.
"You were dreaming, Maeren," Nivia said in great understatement.
As soon as I could breathe normally again, I agreed with her.
"Yes, Nivia, I was definitely dreaming," I replied, still a bit out of breath.
"Are you recovered now?" she asked with concern. She obviously had not dealt much with humans and their nightmares; I would have laughed at her stricken face, but I was still shaken by the emotions brought on by my dream.
"Almost, my friend," I said. It began to register in my mind that my pain was much worse again. Much worse. And lower, thanks be. The lower it got in my body, the closer the stone got to passing from it. I could not wait.
"Nivia, some water please?" I asked weakly.
"Of course," she responded, and handed me the glass once she had filled it. "Haldan asked me to check on you and your pain. How are you faring?"
"Tell Haldan," I said, "that the pain is much worse, but working its way lower; he will know what I am speaking about. It is a good sign, Nivia. The kidney stone is moving its way out of my body. Hopefully, it will not take much longer before I can flush it out."
"That is very good, Maeren," she said with relief. "I was sorry to hear this morning that you were feeling poorly. I had never heard of such a malady before, but Haldan explained it to me. You can rest assured, I will do everything within my power to help you in any way I can. If there is anything I may do for you, simply tell me, and I will do my best to see it done."
"Thank you, Nivia," I told her. "What time of day is it?"
"It is almost noon," she replied. "Are you hungry at all? Should I bring you a light meal?"
"No," I said, wrinkling my nose. "I am not hungry at all. The opposite, in fact. Nivia, could you open the drapes, please. I find the dark not so comforting any more."
"Surely," she said, "it would be my pleasure." Nivia went to do my bidding, opening the windows to allow the gentle breeze to play with the gauzy curtains she left hanging over the wide expanse. It was a most pleasant sight, to see the light again.
"I will go now and tell Haldan about your returning pain," Nivia said. "Is there anything else I may get for you?"
"No," I shook my head. "I will be fine. Thank you anyway." I watched as she left, closing the door quietly behind her. I wished my pain away, but it did not comply, and was still with me even after I had given it a few moments to be away. Twas the plight of the second-born, after all, to endure the sicknesses Mother Nature so kindly provided to us.
I must have dozed for a few moments, for the sound of a knock upon the door woke me. I bid whoever was knocking to enter, and Elrohir poked his head in.
"I came to see how you were faring," he said in explanation. "By the looks of things, not so well, I would say."
"By the sound of that comment, I must look terrible indeed," I sniped. "I suppose that is an apt description of how I feel."
"I meant it not like that," Elrohir chided. "Why must you always twist my words?"
"I wasn't aware that I did," I replied.
"Do you mind company?" he asked, ignoring my rancor. "I cannot ease your pain much, but I do have broad shoulders for an Elf, they say; I would gladly lend you one—or both—to cry on; if it would help."
I smiled at him, despite my bad humor. "I do not mind company. Come in, and pull up a chair. I, however, will not be much of a companion, so I apologize in advance."
"No need for any apology," he declared. "You are entitled to sulk. I've not heard of this particular ill you have contracted, but as Haldan explains it, it sounds excruciating indeed."
"The excruciating part comes and goes," I admitted. "Right now it is bearable, just annoying."
Elrohir leaned towards the table beside the bed, and began pouring water into the glass, then handed it to me when it was full.
"Haldan also told me to push this on you when I could," he said with a sly grin.
"I am waterlogged as it is," I said pleadingly, holding my palm against the glass, warding it off as if it was poison. "The mere sight of it is nauseating at this point."
Elrohir pursed his handsome lips and quirked an eyebrow. "Well, let's not have any of that unpleasant retching, if you please. Estel did quite enough of it when he lived here to last me a lifetime, thank you very much."
At the mention of Aragorn's name, the nightmare I'd had earlier came drifting back into my mind. I shuddered as I remembered his voice, uttering the profane comments concerning my baby during the dream, in the extreme darkness as I stumbled on my path to nowhere.
Elrohir evidently noticed my shiver, for he laid his hand on my arm as it lay upon the coverlet of my bed.
"What is it, Maeren?" he asked. "What did I say to upset you?"
"Nothing, Elrohir," I lied. "Nothing at all."
He gave a short laugh. "That is not true. Why are you skirting the truth with me? I mentioned Estel, and you looked as if I had mentioned Sauron, himself."
"I said it was nothing!" I retorted, more loudly than I had planned. "Why must you badger me?"
He sat back, apparently stunned by my weak attack. "Excuse me!" he said, laughing, "I stand corrected! I will 'badger' you no more!"
"I am sorry, Elrohir," I apologized. I was uncertain as to how to tell him I had dreamed that Aragorn threatened my unborn child, and it frightened me, even though my conscious mind knew it for the ridiculous notion that it was. "I had a nightmare earlier this morning, and Aragorn was in it—and he was evil."
"Estel?" he said incredulously, "evil? The two words are complete opposites. You know Estel, and he is not evil."
"That is really the point, though, Elrohir," I confided. "I do not really know Aragorn. I do not know him at all."
Elrohir appeared puzzled. I suppose he wondered how I could be carrying his foster brother's child and not know the man at all. It seemed a contradiction in terms. I knew not how much I could explain without embarrassing myself absolutely to death, or how much he would want to hear without the same happening to him. I decided to let him ask if his curiosity was so great it drove him to inquire.
"Maeren," he said with a certain hesitation, "how came it to be that you conceived his child, yet you say you do not know Estel at all—if I may be so crass as to inquire such a thing?"
"Elrohir," I said, already beginning to blush, "if I die before I complete my explanation, know that it was from utter embarrassment, all right?" I looked down at my hands, and took a deep breath.
"You have not heard the story from Aragorn or Arwen?" I asked.
He shook his head in the negative, smiling sheepishly.
I closed my eyes momentarily and breathed deeply again. I placed my hands upon the mound of my belly, caressing the baby within me the best that I could. "This little person was conceived the night the Battle of the Pelennor was fought. The day Aragorn sailed up the Anduin to the rescue of Gondor, thanks be, or there would be no Gondor, as we know it any longer, I am afraid. I would no longer be upon Middle Earth, nor would be scores of others. It is hard to say what the arrival of Aragorn and the rest of you prevented that day. Sure annihilation, I would say. Anyway, I had been in the wards for over twenty-four hours straight, and had been beset with one too many young soldiers, either very close to dying or dying outright in my arms; and by young, I mean too young—fourteen, fifteen years old if they were a day.
"As bad as it was on the actual battlefield, it was a battlefield of sorts in the Houses as well, Elrohir. You were there, attending those afflicted with the Black Breath. You saw how the wards were overflowing; wounded stacked against the walls; every spare inch filled with a bed or a cot; the supply rooms cleared to make room for soldiers in need of a bed. And I was in charge of it all. I was the one deciding who got treated, and who was too wounded to live. I was the one who had to pry dying fingers from my apron, as the person those fingers were attached to, pleaded with me to not let him die, even though there was no hope that the person would live. I cannot tell you how many times that scenario played itself out through the day my friend, but it must have been hundreds of times. How I wished to just sit with the men till they passed from the world. Sometimes it would have only been a matter of a few minutes, but even that was too much time to waste, for there were just too many wounded coming in. You have no idea how much it sickens me to call that a waste of time, for ordinarily, that is something that, to me at least, is as much a part of being a healer as bringing a new life into the world—easing a life out of it." I stopped speaking, for I could not speak for a time. My tears were flowing, and I had to regain my composure. Elrohir handed me a hanky he pulled from somewhere, and I used it to dab at my eyes. He said nothing, and I was grateful for that. This was turning into somewhat of a purging for me, and it was helping me in ways I could not fathom, and was not even aware of at the moment.
"I am sorry for digressing," I said at last. "I suppose I tell you these things, for it is important to me that you understand my frame of mind. Perhaps then you may not think me a total harlot when you hear the rest of the story. Anyway, by the time night had fallen, I was dealt the final blow. Another youth was brought in, not more than fifteen years old. It was obvious he would be dying within moments, so I simply held him. There were no more emergencies, and I was going to my home at any rate, so I had the time to ease him from this world. As I held him, he spoke to me—he called me 'mother'. I know not if you know this, Elrohir, but I have been a mother before. My son would be fifteen now, had he and his father not been killed in a fire three years ago." I glanced at my audience, and his eyes were swimming now. He looked down at the floor, then back up at me, and a tear escaped one of his eyes as he did this. He shook his head, silently telling me that he had not known of this part of my life, either.
"As soon as the young soldier was gone, I left the wards and went to a small, private garden where I often went when life got too much for me. The garden consisted of only a scraggly tree and a patch of grass, but a haven it was to me. It was a walled garden—very private—and the entire time I was in Minas Tirith, no one ever intruded on me there. No one intruded that is, until Aragorn decided to visit that same small garden I thought was secret, just a short while after I had gone there that night. We began talking to one another, about nothing in particular at first. Somehow the subject came up about why I was there.
"I know not what made me tell him; I used to not share the pain of my loss with others easily; it comes with less pain these days, it seems. But like you here now, it left him weeping. I was aghast that I had brought him to tears, and I moved to comfort him. It was then that he told me of his loss on the Pelennor—of a dear ranger friend of his that he had known and fought with for years. He spoke as if he had the weight of the entire world on his shoulders—and he did, I know now. And then—entirely by accident—he used an endearment my husband often said to me, and I foolishly kissed him. I started it, Elrohir. It was all my fault, now that I think of it. I kissed him first, because I missed my husband so much it hurt with a physical pain. Of course I was horribly embarrassed, and apologized profusely, and was very surprised when he kissed me back. One thing led to another, and so on and so forth. And that is why I can have conceived a child with your brother, but not know him at all." I dropped my head, the shame that had started to fade over time coming back to me full force.
Elrohir left his chair to seat himself beside me on my bed, and pulled me into a chaste embrace. He held me for only a few moments, then pulled back to look at me.
"And that is as good a reason as there can be," he replied. "So let me assure you myself that Estel is not evil. Since you have no way of knowing for yourself, I must tell you, for I do know him. He is not, nor will he ever be evil. He traveled with the fellowship, with the Ring of Power within his grasp for the taking, and even with Isildur's blood flowing within his body, and probably tempted beyond belief, he did not take it. He risked all for the love of my sister, for my father would not allow him to claim her hand in marriage until he could rightfully take the throne of Gondor. Yet he is human, as are you. Mistakes are made by all of us, but evil we are not necessarily. He has much strength and power, and does not hesitate to use either; perhaps that is what you fear, consciously or not. What was the evil thing he did in the dream that frightened you so?"
"He did nothing," I exclaimed, near to tears again, reminding myself of the dream once more. "It was the things he was declaring to me. 'Have not a girl child; I will have her beheaded for the sin of being born female.' 'My son will be locked away so no one will know of his sin of being a bastard. He will be with me always, and you, Maeren, shall not see him for the rest of your life.' It was those sorts of things he was saying. In my mind I know he would not behead a daughter, nor lock away a son. But he has the power to keep me away, Elrohir. He could do that, if he so chose."
Elrohir laughed lightly—not at me, fortunately for him, or he would have been picking himself up off the floor.
"I laugh thinking of Estel trying to defend himself from all the Elves of Imladris, Maeren, for the image is a funny one," Elrohir stated. "Father, Arwen, Elladan and me—we all know you already, and would never allow him to do such a thing, even were he to wish it; which I can assure you, he never would do. Can you imagine Haldan, standing with Estel on one side of him, and you and the baby on the other? Can you not see his face and hear his words, telling Estel that the baby is yours, and that he is to keep his stinking human hands off of the child? That in itself would be an hysterical sight! Do you not think so?"
I began to chuckle at the imagined picture Elrohir had painted in my mind. It was indeed hysterical! Haldan, with his angelic features pulled into such a frowning scowl, and his silver hair mussed about his head like bolts of lightning. I chuckled again at the thought of it.
"That is much better," Elrohir proclaimed at my smile. "Estel is an honorable man, you may take my word for it. You may think me prejudiced, and I may be; but most Elves dislike telling falsehoods—well, falsehoods of any magnitude; so you can believe me when I tell you that Estel will do right by you and the child. Has he not shown good faith so far?"
"Yes," I agreed. "He has. But he has also shown that he will run my life if I allow it."
"And you hold the key within the words you just spoke," he told me.
"If I allow it," I repeated. "It is as simple as that? I simply must defy him?"
"I did not say it would be simple," he admitted. "Estel is anything but meek, and stubborn he is to a fault. However, if your arguments are sound, and you have others on your side to help you work on him, you can win the day. That would probably be the secret to seeing your way done—having others on your side. I am sure that probably abrades at your sense of independence, but one of my mottos has always been, 'whatever works'. Not always the most honorable thing, but effective, if I am determined to have my own way."
I laughed. Elrohir could always make me laugh. But then I frowned, for the pain in my lower left side was stabbing me again, and the nausea that had been playing around my gut since I had awoken from that nightmare was beginning to rear its ugly head in earnest. Elrohir began to frown as well, for he noticed my discomfort.
"The pain is excruciating again?" he asked weakly. I could tell he may have studied the healing arts somewhat with his Father, but his heart had not been in the lesson very much. He looked at me as if he feared I may be contagious—even though Elves did not take sick like humans did.
"Yes," I whispered. "Elrohir," I said a bit louder, "hand me the chamber pot that is near your feet, and if the sound of retching bothers you, you had best make yourself scarce."
I would have laughed at his speed in complying with my demands, but I felt too sick at the moment. He had the pot in my hands, and was out the door before I began heaving, which was quickly indeed.
As soon as I had rid my stomach of what seemed to be nothing but pure water, I rose and cleaned everything up—including myself. The pain was now excruciating, and I prayed to the Valar to let the stone move—and please let it move quickly. I put myself back into bed, lying down on my side, and I brought my legs up to my body, rolling up into a ball as much as my baby would allow me to. I drew the covers up to my chin. I was not chilled, but needed the comfort—the feeling that someone was holding me, or that I was snuggled in a cocoon. I tried not to, but I could not help it, and I started to weep. The pain was so great; I could not hold back the tears any longer.
I had not heard anyone enter, but suddenly Haldan was there, sitting beside me on the bed. He was soaking a cloth in cool, minted water, and he wrung it out, then began running it over my face. It felt so good, and I was so grateful for the comfort, it made me weep more.
"There, there, sweet lady," he crooned, "no need for tears. Haldan is with you. He will hold your hand until the pain eases. In fact, I believe I will fetch Elladan, since Elrohir is such a baby when it comes to illness. Give him a wound with lots of blood and gore, and he is a trooper, but illness he cannot abide. Elladan can help me to give you a bit of Elven healing. You would like that. I know that you would. It would ease that pain very much—at least as long as we could keep it going." Haldan rose from the bed, but spoke once more. "I will return very soon, Maeren. I am merely going to find Elladan, and we will demonstrate for you the art of laying our Elven hands on you to ease your pain. I am sure you will find it not only a relief, but very intriguing as well."
Haldan left, but through my agony I could not really say how long he was gone. It seemed an eternity, for it felt as if time stood still. All I was aware of was this unremitting pain, slicing through my left side, and leaving me breathless and wishing to die. I only wanted it to cease. That was all I could think of.
The next thing I became aware of was two people sitting on the bed, one on either side of me. I assumed it was Elladan and Haldan, but I did not move, nor open my eyes to find out. All I could do was lie there and quiver with the pain—and weep quietly. The Elves gently rolled me over so that I lay on my back, and they uncovered me from my nest in the coverlet. I wanted to protest at being unrolled from the ball, because the pain stabbed even worse when they made me extend myself, and I finally did cry out with the pain of it, when I could not stand it any longer.
But the minute they had me extended fully onto the bed, they both placed their hands upon my left side, asking me if that was where the pain was the worst. I guided their hands downward a bit further until I had them in exactly the right place, and the Elves then closed their eyes, telling me first to relax and clear my mind. I felt that wonderful 'tingle' I had felt when Elladan had helped me that very first time; when he had caused me to bump my head on the tree limb, raising a huge lump on the back of my head. I thought back to the nightmare I'd had on the journey here, of the fire in the stables that killed my family all over again; and how Elladan had placed his hands on my head and over my eyes, and had put me into a peaceful sleep. I was feeling that tingle and that peacefulness now. Thank Eru for Elves!
"Maeren," Haldan said slowly and dreamily, "relax, breathe deeply, and try to sleep. We cannot keep this up indefinitely, and it only masks your pain. If you allow us to put you to sleep this way, you could sleep peacefully for a few hours, so please clear your mind of all things, breathe deeply, and sleep—Haldan wishes for you to sleep. Elladan wishes for you to sleep. Sleep."
My last conscious thought was, again, Thank Eru for sweet Elves.
~ * ~
When next I woke, it was evening, and the last rays of the sun were casting shades of pink against the far walls of the room. I was no longer in pain, but I felt as if I would wet the bed if I stayed lying down another second. I was alone, so I threw off the coverlet, and rose, hurrying into the bathing room to use the facilities within the room in there.
I wanted to laugh with glee when I heard Haldan's audible 'clink' into the chamber pot as I relieved myself, of more than just the 'tinkle' I had thought to leave. Thank the Valar that was over! I took myself back to my bed, propping the pillows against the headboard. I climbed in and settled back, happy for once this day. I sat there basking in the fact that I was stone free, and pain free as well. At this point in my life, nothing could make me any happier than that small bit of news.
My eyebrows lifted with interest when my door opened a crack revealing an eye of someone obviously checking on me. When they saw that I was awake, they belatedly knocked, and I bid them to enter. It was Elladan, or what was left of him. My cheery mood was quick to vanish.
"You look much better—" he started to say.
"You look terrible!" I exclaimed before he had a chance to finish his sentence.
"I am fine," he said as he tried to placate me. "Only a bit tired. I just had a bite to eat, and was retiring for the night, but wanted to see how you were faring. Seeing your bright smile—before you laid eyes on me—made me wonder; I would not dare to hope the dreaded stone has passed?"
"Yes," I answered him quickly, "it has passed. Now, why do you look as if you have not slept for fifty years?" Then it suddenly hit me. I vaguely remembered something Haldan had said—we cannot keep this up indefinitely—was one of the remarks he had made. Was this what his use of his Elven healing on me had cost him? If so, the price had been too high.
"Maeren," he replied a bit testily, "I told you I am fine—just a little tired."
"A little tired, Elladan?" I insisted. "You are more than a little tired. You are exhausted. Were you able to walk from this room under your own power after I slept? How is Haldan? Is he well?"
"Haldan is also fine," Elladan said, beginning to sound genuinely angry at this point. "He and I shared a light meal, then he retired, and I am going to do likewise. And since I obviously am getting nothing but grief from you, I believe I will go now." He turned around, and headed back to the door.
"Elladan wait," I said, remembering I had not even thanked him for expending so much energy on my behalf. I uncovered myself, and rose from the bed. I went over to him, and took his hands in mine.
"I am sorry for sounding so ungrateful," I said with regret, "but it is not the usual turn of events when I am the one on the receiving end of someone's efforts, and those efforts have obviously come at great cost to the one who has expended them on my account. You have no idea the pain you helped me escape from—no idea at all. I cannot begin to thank you enough for that. But the guilt I feel when I look at your face! You must promise me to never do such a thing again, no matter how much pain I am in!"
"I will not promise such a thing," he declared. "Ever! If it is within my power to ease you—or anyone else I care about—I will do it. I can regain my energy with some time asleep. Tis a small price to pay. There is no damage done to me that a few hours rest cannot put to rights; to make such a promise is absurd, and I will not do it. Not for you or for anyone else. You calm yourself down. Patience I am in short supply of at present. I'll not order you back to bed or any such nonsense; I've learned my lesson as far as trying to manage your life. Now you afford me the same courtesy, please."
I smiled at his reprimand, but did indeed drop his hands, and go back and get into my bed.
"Very well," I agreed. "You win. I will not try to manage your life either." As soon as I was in the bed and covered, I patted the mattress, silently inviting him to sit beside me.
"Just for a few moments, before you sleep?" I asked in invitation. He walked slowly to me and sat down. "Thank you." I smiled at him. "You really do not understand what your healing did for me, Elladan. I thought I would die from that pain. Truly, I did. Even the pain of childbirth, I do not believe, was as bad as that was. Perhaps it was because the prize at the end of the labor was not as grand a one, though I am not sure."
He smiled that killer smile of his finally, coming out of his snit, thanks be. I really had not meant to make him angry. I simply worried about him, that was all. His white face made the darkness beneath his eyes all the more startling when I first beheld him, and he had looked ill. Elves are not supposed to look ill, and he had, and that had frightened me. More than I cared to admit, I wanted nothing to happen to this Elf of mine, for any reason, let alone because of something he had done to help me. I didn't stop to wonder the why of my feelings, I simply felt. That was my way. I noticed his hand shaking slightly as he reached out to touch my cheek.
"You, lady healer, are impossible," he said. "Yet I am very glad your trial is over, even if the prize was a poor one."
"I, too, am glad it is over," I said with relief, "and, Valar willing, I will never by tried in such a way ever again. Now, Elladan, at the risk of seeming to manage your life, I did ask for only a few moments, and you have fulfilled that time. I will hold you no longer. Please, go now and get some sleep."
"Very well," he agreed. "You have twisted my arm. I cannot control your iron will, so I must do as you demand." Before he rose, he planted both of his hands on the bed to either side of me. He leaned in and kissed me very tenderly, yet thoroughly, until my blood was begging for more. But I knew I had not the strength or the will to continue in this vein, and I doubted if it even crossed the Elf's mind at all. However, I was wrong about that.
"Maeren," he asked after he'd pulled an inch or two away, "how am I to stay away from you? Your pull on me is as a flower is to a bee; irresistible you are to me."
"Shh," I soothed him. "Go to sleep, Elladan. Think of nothing else tonight. Go climb into your bed and dream sweet Elven dreams. Things other than me. Things that make you happy; places you like to be. Go now and sleep. Dream sweetly. Good night."
He smiled widely and kissed my nose. He sat up straight and yawned, covering his mouth, then he chuckled and apologized for being so rude. Then he got up, walked to the door, and gave me a little wave as he left.
I stared after him for a few minutes, hoping he did sleep well and deeply. Elrohir had explained to me once all about the way of Elven sleep; how they really sort of 'daydreamed'. They were in more of a trance-like state than in one unaware. Unless they were wounded or extremely tired, did they truly sleep like we mere mortals did—with eyes closed and deepened breathing. Tonight I hoped that Elladan slept like I planned to—dreamlessly and completely unconscious—until dawn if at all possible.
~ * ~
How did I come to be in the Wards in Minas Tirith? Wasn't I in Imladris with the Elves? I certainly preferred the Elven haven. It was much quieter, it smelled better, there were far fewer headaches, so fewer complaints—and I speak not of the patients, either, I speak of the staff. And the wounded! Where were they all coming from?
There was so much blood, and the agonized screams and crying of the poor soldiers made me want to weep, for try as I might, I could not get to them all. I was not alone; there were a few aides helping me, but most of the others just stood there with stony countenances, unwilling to budge and complaining over some silly thing or other. I screamed at them to look around them, see what needed doing, but they simply called me demeaning names and walked away.
So I continued to help those wounded soldiers that I could, having to leave the ones too near death for me to be of any use. I wanted to stay, to hold them till they passed from this world to the next—wherever that may be—but I had not the time; others needed me more. But as I would rise to leave them, they would beg me to stay, and clutch at my apron, pulling me back. I would sit again, torn between duties. Do I ease one gently into death now at this minute, forsaking one to die, who may not die if I tend to him immediately? Or do I forsake this one here, leave him to die alone, and save one who will not die at all, if I but go to him now?
I cannot take it any more. This is a nightmare, and I want out of it. I lived this before, I know I have. Haven't I? I finally tear my apron from the grasp of the dying, who by now is not only dead, but decomposed as well, and I run screaming from the Houses of Healing into the darkness outside. The phantoms chase me, asking me why I forsook them, and I scream again, falling into the dirt of the street.
Then they catch me. They are holding my arms, and speaking my name.
Please let me go, you are scaring me. I simply want to go home. I am afraid. I am not strong. I am weak. I am alone.
Then I am awake.
It is Elladan holding my arms and speaking my name. As awareness creeps back into my tortured mind, I crumple into his embrace, shaken to the core. To my surprise, I am not weeping. I am, however, trembling like a frightened hare, and Elladan tightens his hold around me.
He gently rocks me, ever so slightly. "Would you speak of it, Maeren?" he asks.
I lean back out of his embrace, nodding my head. He lays me back down, covering me once again. I notice he is sitting on the edge of my bed, with only some sort of thin silky sleeping shirt and trousers on. His hair is unbraided and slightly disheveled from sleep. In the moonlight coming in my windows, I can see faint pillow lines indented in the skin of one of his cheeks where it has rested as he slept. He patiently waits for me to tell him of my dream, but now that it comes to it, I cannot do it.
"I'm still afraid," I whisper.
"Then think not about it," he says, in a quiet voice, one not unlike a father may use trying to soothe his child after a nightmare. One of his hands brushes the hair away from my face, and he smiles at me.
"Will you stay with me, Elladan?" I ask. I know I must seem very childish, but I feel so alone. The dream has left a sense of death all around me, and I need that feeling vanquished from me. I want nothing else from him other than his presence.
"It would make me happy to do so, Maeren," he replies. Then much to my surprise, he walks to the other side of the bed, and slips beneath the covers sliding up beside me. He doesn't touch me, but I can feel his warmth, and I know he is there.
"Remember I told you Estel often suffered with nightmares as he grew up?" he asks quietly. I can feel the warmth of his breath on the side of my face. It is somehow reassuring. My hair stirs slightly as he continues. "Estel would often make the same request of either Father or Elrohir or I that you just have, and this is what we would do." He doesn't say anything else.
After several minutes, I say, "Thank you, Elladan."
I hear him chuckle gently, and then he replies, "It is my immense pleasure, lady healer."
~ * ~