Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings and all its characters, races, and creatures, as well as our beloved Middle Earth, belongs to JRR Tolkien.
Sometime during the night Elladan had gone back to his own bed I assume. He was no longer with me when I awoke the next morning. I was thankful for that. Just as he said he was drawn to me, I was likewise drawn to him, and temptation only made things worse. I would inevitably give in to my carnal nature, and then let guilt eat at me. It was just as well that the temptation had removed himself from my bed this morning.
Before I rose, however, Haldan knocked briefly and entered, ere I had a chance to answer him. I wondered at his urgency, but since it was Haldan, I didn't have to wait long for an explanation.
"Good morning, my dear," he greeted me warmly. "I understand from Elladan that congratulations are in order."
"Yes," I said, dipping my head in a pretend bow, "I accept your congratulations with humbleness. Twas nothing, my dear healer. Nothing at all."
"I beg to differ with you, my lady," he said haughtily. "The pain you were in was something indeed."
"Yes," I agreed, "and if last evening you resembled Elladan at all, as weak as he was, you deserve the same tongue lashing that I served to him."
"Now is that any way to show your appreciation for our skillful demonstration of the fine art of Elven healing?" he asked with a grin. "I find I am much put off by your attitude this morning. I may just go back to my sick rooms and pout the day away."
I laughed at him and threw the covers off of myself. I hurried over to him and put my arms around his neck, giving him a sound kiss on the cheek.
"Not before I thank you profusely for taking that horrible pain away and putting me to sleep," I said sincerely. I stepped back from him some and continued, "I thought I was dying, that pain was so severe. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Haldan, for helping me to bear it. I am not sure I would have been able to, had the two of you not intervened."
"Pish posh," he demurred, "twas nothing any true Elven healers would not have done in our place. It was our most humble pleasure to help you, my dear." Haldan smiled, then a cloud of uncertainty moved over his features. "Maeren, if you have the time, I have something I would like to speak to you about, and it is rather important to me that I say it."
"May I take a few minutes to dress first?" I asked him. "It won't take me long—really."
"I mind not waiting," he said, and he wandered out to the veranda.
I busied myself and was dressed, washed and combed in no time at all. In the meantime, Nivia had come and gone, bringing me a tray of sliced fruit, with sweet rolls and juice. Haldan was seated at the table on the veranda where Nivia had left the breakfast. It must have been Haldan's idea, because there were plates and cutlery enough for two—as well as enough food for both of us. The Elf was helping himself to some of the fruit as I sat down.
"I hope you don't mind sharing," he said, "but I find myself still a bit on the ravenous side. Those healing sessions tend to do that to me, you know." I smiled as I helped myself to some of the fruit and pastry.
"Maeren," Haldan said quietly, "I hesitate to bring this up to you, because technically, it is none of my business."
I was beginning to feel just the least bit uneasy about this conversation. Haldan's mood had changed from his usual 'bubbly' one, to one I had never seen before. He was being serious, for Valar's sake!
"Then perhaps you shouldn't," I replied.
"I was afraid you may feel that way," he said. "However, even though it is technically none of my business, in my heart, I feel that it is personally my business." He looked down at his plate for a moment, then back up at me. I could see trepidation—and determination—in those beautiful crystal eyes of his. "I have been here in Imladris for over three millennia. I saw the twins born, and I watched them grown up—that's how I have the cheek to call Elladan 'Elf-boy'. He and Elrohir are merely children, you know. Elrond took me in when I was forty-four—that is not quite a young child, but still not quite to one's majority, you know. I was alone, with no kin and no place to call home. He taught me all I know of the healing arts. I owe him everything, Maeren. Absolutely everything. With all of that said, I now have a question I must ask you. Do you know that Elrond is what is known as a Peredhil?"
"Yes, Haldan, I know that," I answered. "And I know all which that entails."
"So you know then," Haldan continued, "that Arwen made the choice to abandon her life as an Elf, in order to marry Estel, and that Elrohir and Elladan will someday have to make that same choice?"
I felt a coldness wash through my heart. Why had that not occurred to me before? Of course that was true! I had to have known Elladan was going to have to make a decision concerning his immortality. Why had I been allowing him to get so close to me?
"Now that you mention it to me, Haldan," I admitted, "I suppose on some level, I must have known. But until now, when you said it out loud, I had not given it a thought. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. It changes things for me. It really does."
"Does it, Maeren?" Haldan asked. "The reason I brought it up is exactly for the reason I told you; I owe everything to Elrond, and it is for him that I am concerned." Haldan took a bite out of his sweet roll, chewed for a few minutes and swallowed, and then continued.
"When Estel made his intentions toward Arwen known to Elrond, all Mandos broke loose around here. The tension was so thick, swords could have cut through it. Elrond made the conditions known to Estel under which he would be willing to grant his permission for their marriage. And let me tell you—the stipulations were steep. Then Elrond bided his time, as Elves will, seeming not to think of that which clouded his mind night and day."
"However, I was watching Elrond as time went on, as the fellowship made its way to Mordor, then as the war was inevitable, and finally after the free peoples of Middle Earth won the day. The view has been heartrending. The time for Arwen to be gone from him was drawing closer, and each day you could see his heart break open just a fraction wider. I want not to watch it again. Call me selfish, but it was breaking my heart to witness his heart breaking. So when I saw that Elladan was losing his heart to yours, I panicked. I knew I had to speak to you, and at least make you aware of the situation as it stands with Elrond. I hope you can understand my interference and forgive my trespass into your concerns."
"You do not truly believe what you are saying," I wondered aloud to him, "when you tell me that Elladan is losing his heart to me? We are very attracted to one another, that is true; but Elladan being in love with me? You do not believe it has gone that far—do you?"
"If I were a wagering Elf, Maeren," Haldan said ruefully, his expression grim, "I would wager it all. He, of course, has not confided his heart to me, but remember; I have lived here for a very long time, and I have known that young Elf all of his life. I do not believe I am wrong about this."
"Oh no," I breathed. "I will not be the cause of Elrond losing another child this way—I won't, Haldan! He and I have spoken at length about Arwen's decision, and his despair was a tangible thing. I cannot be responsible for doing that to him yet again. Somehow, Haldan, I will make Elladan see how wrong we are for each other, if indeed it has gone that far for him."
"And what about you, Maeren?" Haldan asked me. "If I could be mannerless and ask; how is it for you? Are you in love with Elladan?"
"No, Haldan," I replied honestly. "I like him extremely well, but I don't think I am capable of that kind of love any more. Attracted to him? Yes! And a thousand times, yes! But in love with him? I do not think so. I loved my Dustin so well, it still takes my breath away when I think of him."
"And the smile on your face tells all," Haldan said with a grin. The smile on the Elf's face faded slowly. "Elladan will hate me when he learns that I have spoken to you, and he has every right to. I thank Eru that I was never given such a choice as the members of this family have had to make. It seems as if it would be so clear and easily decided; but inevitably, some wonderful Human wades into the pool and muddies the water. It is a shame. There is no finer man than Estel—in all of Arda. I hated him at one point—just looking into Elrond's tortured eyes enraged me. Yet all the man did was dare to love the daughter of a Peredhil. And all she did was dare to love him in return."
"Perhaps Elladan does not love me as you fear," I said, trying to console him—and trying to lessen my guilt while I was at it. "As far as I have been concerned, we have been but very good friends—and perhaps lovers if circumstances were ever to cooperate. I suppose it has been a good thing that circumstances have been what they have been—the closer we may have become, the easier it would have been for Elladan to perhaps think himself in love. My father often told me that things happen for a reason. Perhaps he was more right than I ever gave him credit for."
"Perhaps he was," Haldan echoed my words. His eyes were filled with tears, and his voice grew tremulous. "You know not how it hurts me to say these things to you, for who am I to decide who should love who? But I would be remiss in my love for a friend, did I not look out for the welfare of Elrond as well. You do see that, Maeren, do you not?" As he finished his sentence, tears began escaping his eyes and hurried down his face. It seemed a travesty that they even be there at all. Haldan's face was that of an angel—meant for happiness—never sorrow. I rose from my chair and went to him, making him rise, and embracing him.
"Weep not, Haldan," I demanded. "All will be well. You did exactly the right thing. I hope I would have remembered Elladan's choice in time, but there is no guarantee that I would have. I have been successfully pushing it out of my mind quite well, do you not think so? Elladan may not be glad for your 'interference', as you put it, but I certainly am glad for it. I will not be a party to Elrond losing another child in this way; I promise you! Whichever choice Elladan makes as to his immortality or— mortality—I will not be a part of it. You have my word."
Haldan did not answer me. He sobbed and held me tighter. I could not abide this Elf's tears. I decided, finally, that he must not weep very often and was merely overwrought. Perhaps it was another byproduct of his overtaxing himself with his use of his Elven healing on me yesterday evening.
"Haldan," I whined, "you must cease this! I want not to cry, and I will be weeping in sympathy soon if you continue."
He finally drew back from me, pulling a hanky from the sleeve of his robe. He wiped at his eyes and nose, sniffing loudly.
"I am sorry, dear Maeren," he said shakily. "I know not what got into me. I have not wept in centuries, I do not believe. I suddenly was overwhelmed with emotion. It took me quite by surprise. You must swear not to tell the Elf-boy, or he will tease me to no end."
"Oh I will tell no one," I proclaimed with a smile. "Do you suppose that overtaxing yourself last night may be a factor?"
"Who knows?" he asked. "Could be. I believe I will go back to my bed. Eru knows I could use a nap. I must be getting old, if this is how a little 'laying on of hands' affects me these days." Haldan started for the door, then stopped and turned back to face me as he thought of something else he wished to say. "Maeren, if Elladan were to give up his immortality for anyone, it would be worth it only for you."
And with that, he left the room, softly closing the door behind him.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
I wanted not to do it—but had no good reason to avoid—dining with the others tonight. After my conversation with Haldan, I wanted to lock myself in my room and never emerge, if it would keep Elladan away from me. It was really very upsetting, because I liked him so much—and I wanted him so badly. Whoever said that life was unfair, really made an understatement, as far as I was concerned.
Nivia was her usual talkative self, and she asked me several times if I was well, since I was not my usual gabby one. I assured her I was fine, just missing my family and home back in Rohan—which was not a lie. It just wasn't the entire truth. She did me up royally again, and I did not protest; which convinced her anew that she should send for Haldan, as I really must be sick if I wasn't complaining about how she was fixing my hair. I assured her again that I was merely still tired from my trial of yesterday, and she finally accepted that as a legitimate reason for my lethargy.
The others at evening meal also noticed my reticence, and I used the same excuses on them. They also seemed to buy them, of which I was thankful, because I could not think of any others. I am a notoriously poor liar. I suppose that comes from watching my brothers get their mouths washed out with soap when my mother caught them lying. I wanted not the same treatment, so would never risk the punishment by committing the sin. I suppose that makes me a coward as well.
Did I mention Haldan's visit had left me a bit on the melancholy side?
"How many go with you, Elrohir?" I heard Glorfindel ask. I must have been daydreaming. I did not know what they were speaking about.
"Not many," he answered. "Who did we ask, Brother? Ormenel, Ethring and Ramdal will accompany us. Why do you not come with us? It would be like old times?"
Glorfindel laughed a short laugh. "I would love to, young one, but Elrond would not take kindly to having me abandon Imladris, to come and play nursemaid to him."
"If that is what he would think," Elladan joined in, "then why are we going? Are we not just nursemaids, as well?"
"No, Elladan," Glorfindel said as he let out his breath. "You, my young friends, are the bandages your father needs to place over the wounds in his heart."
They all three fell silent, and I wanted to flee; but I kept my seat. I knew that running would not solve anything, nor would it even make me feel better. Elrond was obviously on his way home, and the twins were going out to meet him. I wondered how long it would be before the Elf lord would arrive in Imladris. I suppose I would find out soon enough.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
The following morning I rose early. I had not slept well the night before; worry always affects me in that fashion. Try as I might, I could not get this dread over Elladan maybe being in love with me to leave my heart. I knew not whether to approach him about it, or to let it ride and simply avoid him, and let him know in no uncertain terms that things would no longer be the same between us. He would want to know why, and I would tell him, leaving out Haldan's part in it, of course. I could always tell him I remembered it on my own. I would have, I am certain—eventually. I think.
I started walking the grounds, when the pink of dawn was barely tinting the sky of the valley. I had not intended to see the group off, but I found myself at the stables where the horses were being readied for the Elves to depart to meet the Lord of Imladris—wherever he may be.
"Good morning, my lady," Glorfindel called as he saw me. "You are up early today."
"I usually rise early," I replied. "I must have finally caught up on my rest." He did not know I was lying, and it was only half of a fib. I was an early riser by nature. " Is Elrond still in the White City? Do the others join him there and escort him the entire distance?"
"No, my lady, they do not," Glorfindel answered. "Elrond sent the messenger when he departed Lothlorien; he is only about a week away now."
"I see," I replied.
Glorfindel raised his eyebrows and smiled. "You seem a bit anxious, but I cannot tell if it is a good state or a bad one. If you don't mind my asking, on what sort of terms did the two of you part?"
"I mind not the question," I said, smiling. "We parted with what I would call a 'friendly truce'. However, our relationship was not all hugs and kisses, you can believe me. Your lord is quite formidable when angry, I found that out in an extremely terrifying fashion."
"Sounds like a intriguing story," Glorfindel said, with one of those mischievous Elven grins I was coming to associate with all Elves—and not merely Elrohir—on his face. "Maybe one day I could get enough wine in you to reveal it to me?"
"That is probably what it would take, my lord," I said with a laugh.
"Maeren, what are you doing up at this wee hour?" Elrohir asked me as he gave me a quick hug from behind. "You should be sleeping, sick as you've been. Tsk, tsk, tsk, what to do with errant Human women?"
I gave Elrohir a look that I hope conveyed to him he was perilously close to being cuffed in the jaw for insulting me. I wanted the assault to not come as a shock to him. When he glanced at my face he took a quick step back, and I smiled, not able to hold the deep scowl I'd made at his words.
"Looks like rain, with thunder and lightning!" he said, describing the look I had given him before he'd begun teasing me.
I had to laugh at him then. "Oh good! A chance for the sun to come out then!" he altered his forecast.
"Elrohir, stop!" I begged. "I'm smiling. My humor is good. I won't frown anymore—right now at any rate."
"Who snuck the skunk beneath your skirts this fine morn, my lady friend?" Elrohir wanted to know.
"No one did, Elrohir," I replied as I laughed, "I simply resent it when Elves with weak stomachs presume to tell me when I am cured of my ills, that is all."
"Weak stomachs?" he asked, almost sputtering with simulated outrage. "Wherever did you get such an idea about someone as stouthearted as I?"
"Let me see," I said, my face taking on a faraway look, as if I was trying to recall a time not so distant in which he showed his true colors. "Ah yes, now I remember. It was day before yesterday, if I am recalling correctly. I was sick abed, when I had the sudden urge to retch my guts up." I was watching Elrohir's face carefully. I imagined the mere mention of the activity, which filled him with dread, would be enough to unsettle him. And I was right. He looked sick indeed. "The bile was rising, and I began with the cold sweat—"
"Maeren," Elrohir said, "it isn't funny—" Glorfindel was starting to laugh. I wasn't sure if he knew Elrohir had a weak stomach for this malady, or he thought me insane, but I was having too much fun to care at the moment.
"I distinctly remember having to ask you for the chamber pot," I continued, "and I almost did not get the word out of my mouth before—" I did not bother to continue because Elrohir walked away, and I began laughing. Poor Elrohir. I felt badly. Well, I would feel badly. Maybe. Someday.
The others of the party were gathering around now, so it appeared it was time for them to depart. Elladan was still nowhere to be seen. Glorfindel called to Elrohir, but Elrohir seemed to read the older Elf's mind, because he gave a shout that he was going to find his brother, then headed inside. The other Elves busied themselves checking their gear, packing saddlebags, and generally clowning around with each other. They made me smile. There is something about Elves—even thousand years old ones—that reminds one of children. I am not saying that they act childish; that is not what I mean. Perhaps it is childlike—playful. Yes, I believe that must be it.
It was only a few minutes later when Elrohir and Elladan emerged from the house. Elladan apologized for his lateness, but did not explain himself to anyone. He packed his things on his horse, checked the tack, and then led the beast by the rein over to me.
"I was looking for you," he whispered with a smile. "I didn't realize you had planned to come and see me off this morning."
"I had not planned to, actually," I said. "I rose early and began walking and ended up here."
"Likely story," he said very quietly, and he leaned in to kiss me. I turned my face away, just in time to present my cheek to him instead of my lips. He frowned at me, an unasked question in his eyes, but said nothing, and we really hadn't the time to discuss it, thanks be. The others were already mounted and had kicked up their horses to a fast canter. He leapt up onto the back of his horse, gave me a wave and was off. He didn't look back.
I wish my worry had ridden away with him. But it had not.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Elrond rode into Imladris with his entourage a week later looking every inch the Elven warrior that he was. Gone were the flowing robes and rich velvet tunics in which I had seen him when I had been graciously gifted with his presence in Minas Tirith. He wore the same serviceable tunics and leggings as did his sons and the others that had gone to fetch him home. His hair wasn't braided in that elaborate manner I had come to associate with him while I had been in the White City. No, it was again worn in the same fashion as that of the others—quite plainly—as far as Elven hair could ever be called plain. However, even without the blood and muck with which a warrior returning from battle would have been ordinarily adorned, Elrond did indeed appear to be battle worn.
While the twins were away, I used the time to explore the house. It was with skepticism that I found that Elrond had been a warrior at one time, but there was no arguing with the murals that I found adorning a few of the walls of the house. There he had been depicted in battle scenes from the Last Alliance, and he figured quite prominently. Elrohir would be pleased when he discovered that I had found a likeness of Gil-Galad. I now had a face to go with the name of their Elven High King. The same High King whose dagger I had been carrying unknowingly.
I enlisted the aid of Nivia one afternoon, after I'd found the first of the murals, and she told me the story of the Last Alliance—from the Elven point of view. I had of course known all about it from my history lessons; however, I now knew that the part the Elves had played in that great battle had been grossly understated by those who had instructed me. Nivia pointed out the key players to me—or at least the key players I could not identify. I could, of course, pick out Elrond and Glorfindel. I was shocked to see Erestor there as well. He must have a story I would be surprised to know. Perhaps it would explain some of his rancor.
The arrival of the Lord of Imladris had me somewhat in a quandary. I was uncertain as to what was expected of me. Should I go down to greet the returning party, or wait till they'd had a chance to rest and bathe and greet them at evening meal? It seemed that the whole of Imladris was turning out to greet their lord, so I decided I should probably do likewise. I was taking a glance in the mirror of the dressing table, when Nivia came running into the room and took the decision from me.
"Come on, Maeren," she said breathlessly, "Lord Elrond is back!" The smile on her face was radiant. It made me wonder if perhaps she bore a secret love for the highborn Elf. I decided to watch, and perhaps learn.
"I'm coming!" I said, which was a silly reply, seeing as how she had me by the hand and was towing me down the stairs. I had to pull my hand from her grasp finally. She was going too fast for me. My almost six-months-along child-to-be poked out from my body just enough to obscure the stairs somewhat, and I wished to be more careful than she was being. She looked back briefly, but seeing that I was coming along, she continued on her way.
Most of the other residents of Imladris—those who did not reside directly in the house—greeted the Elf lord, and those returning with him, as he rode up the pathway to the stables. I had feared that I would be in the way, but thankfully, that was not the case. There was only the small group of Glorfindel, Erestor, Haldan, Nivia and I who greeted the riders as they stopped at the courtyard just outside the stables. I was suddenly very nervous to be seeing Elrond again. I wondered if he remembered we were on friendly terms. I certainly hoped so. He was so intimidating an Elf when he was angry.
There were hugs given all around between those who had not seen each other in quite some time, and then Elrond came face to face with me. He smiled slowly and took my hands. He looked me up and down.
"You are certainly 'blooming' quite abundantly, Maeren," he said. "I take it you are feeling well?"
"Hello, my lord," I said in greeting. "Yes, I am feeling very well, thank you."
"That is good to hear," he replied. "And Imladris is to your liking and everyone here is treating you well?"
"Imladris is a wonderful place," I said with true appreciation. "And the Elves could not be a better people, my lord."
"Reports such as this are very satisfying," he declared. Turning to the others, he commanded, "Let's go in." He walked on past me, intent on doing just as he had directed.
Elves began scurrying like ants, some taking charge of the horses that were just ridden in, while others were taking charge of wagons that were just now pulling up to the stable doors. I wondered if perhaps some of my things were on the wagons that were being unloaded even as I stood there. Elladan hooked his arm into mine, whipping me around quickly back toward the house. I fell into step easily beside him.
"Greetings, Maeren," he exclaimed. "Miss me?"
"You were gone?" I asked as if surprised.
He looked at me as if in warning, and ordinarily, I would have led him on a merry chase, but my condition precluded such a thing, and I really did not think playfulness was the proper thing to make Elladan believe I wanted not his attentions any more. So I did not flee him, I shrugged my shoulders and laughed.
Elrohir trotted up beside me, scaring me half to death as he threw an arm around my waist, giving me a hug.
"Well met, Maeren," he said, giving me a small kiss on the cheek. "You look beautiful today. Being with child is beginning to agree with you, I think."
It suddenly became apparent that he had been carefully waiting until everyone else had gone inside the house. I noticed that we were alone outside. He apparently wanted to speak to Elladan and me privately.
"Brother," Elrohir said with urgency, "you need to be more discreet now that Father is home."
"What are you talking about Elrohir?" Elladan wanted to know, more than a little put out. It also was more than apparent that he knew exactly what his brother was speaking about—as did I.
"You know what I mean," Elrohir returned. "After what Father has just been through with Arwen and Estel, the last thing he needs is to worry about you doing the exact same thing all over again."
"Elrohir," Elladan soothed, "Maeren and I simply have a little dalliance going; we are not planning to bind ourselves to one another. What is the harm in that?"
"Would that it were a simple dalliance, Brother," Elrohir replied. "But by the look on your face when you gaze at the lady, I am not so sure!"
"Elrohir," Elladan said crossly, "go find someone else's business to mind! I find I am sick of you minding mine. There is nothing between Maeren and I but some simple sensual pleasure—if we could get people to mind their own business and leave us alone about it!"
And with that, Elladan flung open the door to the house, and stalked in, leaving Elrohir and me alone by the exterior wall, just outside the door leading into the house.
I walked a short distance away, dropping my face into my hands in embarrassment. Elrohir came up behind me and hugged me gently. I lay my head back on his shoulder.
"I am sorry about that, Maeren," he said softly. "I hated to embarrass you, but I needed to confront Elladan. My father has been through much these past few months, and I had hoped to relieve my worry. Alas, I have only increased it."
"I am sorry, too, Elrohir," I replied. "I am guilty of allowing 'things' to occur which should not have; I was stupid, and I did not think about the fact that, like Arwen, the two of you also have a choice to make in regard to your immortality. I am very sorry about that. I never meant to lead him on, or let things go beyond a 'dalliance', as you have been calling it. I, for my part, am not in love with him—which I know does not make this any better. In some ways it is even worse! If he fancies himself in love with me—which I do not know for sure that he does—what would he be giving his life up for, if I love him not in return? Eru, what a mess I have made!"
Elrohir turned me around in his arms and held me by the shoulders. He was smiling at me.
"Do not blame yourself, Maeren," Elrohir said. "If I know Elladan, you both started this with the same rules. I believe, if he is now in love with you, it is he who has broken them. You are not the only one who has the use of a brain, at least I do not think you are. He is usually a very bright Elf, and I am sure he will come around. He and my father are very close—much more so than my father and I are. Elladan will not want to hurt him for any reason. I believe he would even sacrifice his own heart for my father, after what he has been through with Arwen and Estel. Worry not, my father will not blame you if—"
"That is where you are completely wrong, Elrohir," I interrupted him. "I thought your father was going to kill me—and I mean literally kill me—one day when I met with Aragorn and Arwen in the Citadel. He was so very angry at me for not disclosing my condition to them before the marriage took place; when Arwen still had the chance to forgo the union. I am supposing she still had not bound herself to Aragorn at that time, and could have changed her choice; is that right?"
"I truly know not how it all works," he replied. "It may depend on the consummation of a marriage, but I do not know that for sure."
I closed my eyes, guilt washing over me again, like it was only yesterday, instead of months ago that these things had occurred. It was almost sinful how one person's ignorance could affect so many lives so profoundly.
"And all I can plead is ignorance of the Peredhil, for making such a hideous mistake," I whispered. I patted Elrohir's arms, silently asking for him to release me. I walked a short distance away, and found my legs would no longer support me. I fell to the ground, sobbing hysterically.
All these months I had not given these matters a thought, and now they had come screaming at me at top speed, slamming into my mind, hitting me at full force. How could I have done this again? I was a fool. A stupid, brainless, carnal fool, with no self-control and thoughts only for my own base needs.
Elrohir was beside me instantly, sitting on the ground holding me close.
"No, Maeren," he said softly, "do not torment yourself. Your guilt is not at all what I was hoping to find out here today—or ever, for that matter. I know for a fact that nothing would have dissuaded Arwen from binding herself to Estel—nothing. Remember all that I told you, about Estel being an honorable man? Arwen knows this—has known it since she first met him. Think you she would bind herself to him otherwise? She had too much to lose, Maeren, to take her vows lightly. She knew exactly who she was marrying when she spoke her vows, have no fear of that. I am halfway surprised Estel had not already told her about you, and your night together, as honest as he is. He never could keep a secret." If Elrohir was trying to make me laugh, he did not succeed. I felt as if I would never smile again, much less laugh. "And Elladan knows an honorable woman when he sees one, as well. And one worth loving, too. It's this cursed choice we have that we should never have been given. That is where the blame lies, sweet lady, not with you. Never with you. Please believe that."
Haldan chose just the wrong time to emerge from the house, to find me on the ground in Elrohir's arms. He blanched completely white, thinking some harm must have come to me, and he rushed over to us, the concern on his face almost comical.
"Elrohir!" he exclaimed. "What has happened? Is she ill?"
"No, Haldan," Elrohir answered kindly. "Just overwrought. I think it was something I said."
Haldan pursed his beautiful lips and helped me up carefully. He placed his arms protectively around my waist, as he began to help me go toward the house. He gave Elrohir a look that would have killed a lesser Elf.
"Elrohir," he said venomously. "What possessed you to say whatever it was that bothered her so?"
"I know not, Haldan," Elrohir said apologetically. "Insanity is my only defense."
"Well go insane at someone else's expense next time," Haldan said noxiously. "Maeren, sweetheart, wish you to go to your bed, dear?"
"Yes, Haldan," I answered blandly. I could manage no other words. Elrohir made as if to follow us there, but Haldan put his arm out, pinning it across Elrohir's chest, blocking his path.
"I believe you have done quite enough for one day, thank you very much," he quipped sharply. "I will take it from here."
Poor Elrohir. He had done nothing. If anything, he had made me feel better; yet at the moment, I could not have spoken had my own life depended on it. I would have to apologize to him the next time I saw him. Right now, no coherent words were forming in my mind. All my intellect could come up with at the moment, were thoughts of self-recrimination. Elrohir had tried to absolve me, but he could not—he was not the one I had harmed the most deeply by my actions. I was so mixed up, I knew not what to say or where to turn. I would have to think of this some other time. For now, Haldan had me to my room and led me to my bed. He sat me on the edge of it, removed my shoes, and laid me back, making sure I was comfortable. It was warm, so he asked me if I wanted to be covered. I told him no, so he left the bed made up.
"Has this to do with what we discussed before?" Haldan asked softly. "Elrohir has noticed his brother's notice of you, just as I did, has he not?"
I said nothing, I only nodded, and my tears started down my cheeks again.
"I am sorry for this Maeren," Haldan said. "You deserve so much better than this turmoil. I thought my heart was breaking only for Elrond, but now I find it breaking for you as well."
"Worry not about me, Haldan," I said tremulously. "I will be fine. Being with child makes my emotions act in strange ways, and I weep over some of the smallest of things. I will rest here for the afternoon and be down for evening meal as usual. Have no fear." I smiled a somewhat strange smile, I suppose. I had no way of really knowing, but it felt strange upon my face just the same.
"Call if you need the slightest thing," Haldan made me promise. I made him promise to not check on me another time today. It was hard to get him to do such a thing, but I was finally successful. Reluctantly, he stood, and gave me a small bow, and left.
I was again alone. I so desperately fought it, yet I always ended up that way. So then, was that the answer to all my heartache—I was supposed to be alone?
Perhaps it was. Somehow I found that not surprising to me.
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