Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings and all its characters, races, and creatures, as well as our beloved Middle Earth, belongs to JRR Tolkien.
I truly did not want to rise from my bed to ready myself for dining this night, but the repercussions of not doing so far outweighed the momentary safety I would feel snuggled here beneath the coverlet. I would soon be found out, and either Haldan or Elrond or Elladan—or all three, Eru forbid—would find their way in here to check on me as soon as the evening meal was concluded. So reluctantly I rose and called to Nivia, who magically appeared, and drew my bath as I asked of her. I had plenty of time for a good soak, so I took advantage of it and stayed in the tub until the water was tepid and my skin pruned. I so hate being depressed.
"Maeren," Nivia commented, "there is something the matter; I know it. You are just not telling me what it is. Perhaps I could help you with your problem. I have a very sensible mind, you know."
"You do have a sensible mind, Nivia," I told her sincerely. "And that is the reason you should have sense enough to not get entangled into the mess I have gotten myself into. No, this is something I must work out for myself." I was again sitting in front of the mirror at the dressing table, while Nivia braided my hair. I had not the heart to continue thwarting her desire to fix my hair as she saw fit. It was such a small thing, and she took such great pleasure in doing it. It was the least I could do for a friend. I had given up this fight—it was not worth the time and trouble it took to debate the issue, and it hurt her feelings when I did.
At the crestfallen look that she gave me at my denial of letting her in on my secret troubles, I added, "Please, Nivia. It hurts my heart to think about it. Make me not dredge it up again, in the telling of it to you."
It seemed that last small snippet of my speech hit home; a sympathetic look crossed her features. She smiled at me in the mirror and continued to braid my hair.
"If you are sure that I cannot be of help," she said, trying one last little time.
"I am sure," I replied, "though I do appreciate your concern."
"Very well," she said. "I am so excited to see Lord Elrond home once again!" Nivia's excitement vibrated down the comb she was using on my hair, digging the teeth into my scalp. "Imladris just is not the same when he is not here; the valley seems sad when he is away."
"Nivia," I said, my curiosity rising, "is there any sort of 'relationship' between you and Elrond? I mean, romantically speaking?"
Nivia's face was a blank for a few seconds as she processed my question. It was as if I had spoken in a foreign language to her, she seemed to study it so long. Realization suddenly dawned on her though, and her mouth opened wide, just as her face began to redden and a blush spread in two directions—up to her hairline, including her beautiful ears and down to the neckline of her dress.
"Maeren!" Nivia exclaimed, the shock in her voice and on her face could not be more pronounced. "Whatever could have made you ask such an impertinent question?"
"I am sorry, Nivia," I stammered. "I meant not to be impertinent. You simply look as if you love him so well, I naturally assumed that perhaps you are 'in love' with him."
"I will have you know that that would be the height of indecency!" she practically yelled at me. "He is bound in marriage to Celebrian, and even though she has sailed, that makes them no less bound, nor their vows any less valid."
"I said I was sorry, Nivia!" I exclaimed back at her. "I know nothing of Elves; you know that to be true. And simply because someone is married does not mean that another could not hold love for them."
"How well you know that!" she spat back at me.
"I suppose you told me," I said quietly. "Now if you would not mind, I believe I do not need nor want your services any more tonight—nor perhaps at any other time. Now get out!"
"Maeren," Nivia began, more quietly, "I am sorry— "
"Go away, Nivia," I said unkindly. My voice was rising, along with my anger. "And please spread the word—which you are so good at doing anyway—that I will not be down after all. I feel wretched. I want no company; I need no healers. I simply want to be left alone. A-L-O-N-E. I am sick to death of you, and all of your Elven kin. As far as I am concerned, this baby cannot be born soon enough, because I wish to be gone from here yesterday. I wish I had never stepped foot outside of Rohan. I wish I had never laid eyes on Aragorn, son of Arathorn. And Eru help me, I wish I had never heard the word Peredhil! Now get out!"
She said no more. She looked stricken. I harbored no illusions that it was the loss of my friendship that she mourned. She feared the repercussions to herself when it was found out that I had removed her from my service. She made her way to the door and left without another word or look to me. Goodbye and good riddance!
It had been long since I'd had a good rant—not since I'd railed against Aragorn's directive for Legolas and Gimli to watch me at all times on our journey. In a way it felt very good. But in another way, it made me feel even more pathetic. I knew I had probably been deserving of Nivia's ire, if for no other reason than being so inexcusably ill mannered in asking her about a subject so odious in Elven culture—even though I had not known what I asked to be so unacceptable at the time of the asking. I had hoped that the fact that we were supposed to be friends would smooth over any rough areas we may have had between us, but I had obviously been wrong. Right now, I could not have cared any less. She was gone and I was glad. That was what I was caring about at the moment. And that was all I was caring about.
I undid my hair, unraveling all the tiny braids I would never have in my hair again. I changed out of the dress I had donned for the dining hall, getting dressed for sleep instead. I put on a robe; I fully expected that at least Haldan would be paying me a visit before long. I went out onto the veranda and sat at the table, losing myself in thoughts of better times.
Better times? Perhaps other times would be a more apt description.
I thought of my father and brothers—Valar I hope they all had survived the war! I had never heard one way or another of their fate, and this fact alone was enough to start my weeping again. I rose to retrieve a washcloth from the bathing room, to mop at my face—I felt a flood was imminent.
Instead of returning to the veranda, I turned down my bed and climbed in. I was already weeping and chances were that I would probably just cry myself to sleep, with the mood I was in. I propped myself up somewhat. My nose was starting to stuff and breathing would be easier the more upright I would sit. My mind again took off on its tangent, remembering things that would have been best left alone.
I cursed myself for perhaps the hundredth time for not leaving with Eomer and riding to Edoras, the day I had departed from Minas Tirith to come here to Imladris. He had promised to help me, yet I had been stubborn. I could not see how even the King of Rohan could keep my father's name from being dragged through the mud because of my wantonness. I wondered if he truly thought that he could have kept my circumstances private, or if he had merely had a case of 'wishful thinking'. I could not take the chance that it had been the latter, so I had not gone with him, but had followed through with the plan and had come here. Now I was beyond miserable and was growing more so by the minute.
For perhaps the thousandth time, I cursed my dear husband for dying on me. What had he been thinking? Were the horses worth more than his wife? Was he stupid? Could he not see the stable was about to fall down around his ears? Why did he not abandon the rescue of the mares as the hopeless cause that it was? Because of his stubbornness his son had also given his life. I cursed him for getting my boy killed.
I hated Dustin! I hated him!
I loved him! I love him! I love him—
My heart was breaking; I missed my Dustin so much. How could I hate him, and miss him, and love him so intensely, all at the same time? I felt I had finally lost my mind with the grief of losing him and my Tristin. How had I survived this long? How had I done it?
How could my wounds still be this raw and open after three long years? Had I not suffered enough? What had I done in my life that was so horrible that needed such punishment? What lesson had I to learn that I had not learned, that made this suffering necessary to purge my soul? Was I truly such a horrible person, that I needed this scourging?
I wept bitterly for quite a long while, until my eyes were swollen and my nose raw. I had no tears left to weep once again, yet my heart continued to cry quietly.
Then I slept.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
I awoke as someone softly sat beside me on the bed and touched my forehead. I had yet to open my eyes when the washcloth was removed from my slackened fingers and the covers adjusted around my shoulders. Whomever it was lingered for only a moment longer, then blew out the lamp beside the bed as he stood. I heard no footsteps; of course he was Elven. He was male, for the weight on the bed bespoke as much. I then heard the door quietly click shut.
I knew it most probably wasn't Elladan. He would have been unable to resist at least a small kiss on the cheek. More than likely it had been Haldan, but he usually could not resist the urge to speak. However, he felt somewhat responsible for my current heartache, so his silence would not be unexpected. It had probably been him.
It mattered not. Nothing mattered to me at the present. I wished only to sleep, and I prayed the morrow would bring a small measure of peace. I asked only that I not feel such complete despair.
It would be nice to not feel this deep hole of emptiness as well.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
I awoke a few hours later and realized it wasn't even midnight yet. I felt as though I had slept the entire night away and was wide awake. It seemed as if it should be morning with the day stretching ahead of me instead of more endless hours of darkness, but the sun was nowhere in evidence—and would not be showing itself for several hours yet.
I rose and washed my face. I thought about dressing but dismissed the idea. I felt not like sleeping at the moment, but there was still a long stretch of darkness left in this night. Perhaps sleep would come to me before dawn. Not likely, but possible.
I sat on the veranda again, listening to the night creatures as they went about their business in the balmy blackness. My brow puckered in frustration when I heard a knock on my door. I prayed to the Valar that it not be Elladan—I had not the strength to deal with him now. I would be in his arms before the door even closed. I would be making love to him before my back hit the bed.
I had no defenses left in me. I was stripped bare to the bones of any emotion save need—need of comfort; need of love; need of something to help me know I still lived and breathed.
So I uttered no words—I said nothing and made no attempt to answer the knock, in hopes that my late-night caller would go on his way. It was to no avail, however. Whoever it was, had the nerve to open the door anyway and entered uninvited.
To my great surprise it was Elrond.
"What brings you here so late, my lord?" I asked him benignly. "I told Nivia I wanted no company nor needed any healer. Did she not tell you this?"
"Nivia said quite a number of things," Elrond said, seeming amused. He strolled across my bed chamber and onto the veranda, stopping beside my chair. "I believe among them she did mention that you told her you wished to be alone. You even gave her a lesson in spelling, I think."
"She has an ever efficient tongue, I see," I quipped nastily.
"Such an ugly mood you are in," he returned. "Care to talk about it?"
"Whether I do or not," I said, my tone unchanged, "I probably have no choice in the matter, do I?"
"No, not really," he answered coolly. "What has your skirt in such a knot, Maeren?" Elrond asked, sounding quite a bit like Elrohir, truth be known. I controlled the urge to smile.
"I am having a bad day, Elrond," I replied shortly. "Am I allowed that? Or is that against Elven rules?"
"No," he said, "Elves often have bad days. Personally, I've had a bad year!" He pulled a chair out from the table and sat across from me.
I smiled at that in spite of myself. He smiled at his success in making me smile.
"I suppose Nivia told you what started our little tiff," I said, beginning to blush.
"Yes," Elrond said, trying not to chuckle. "I thought it amusing. She, however, was still somewhat outraged. You certainly hit a nerve with her. I think you may have hit closer to the mark than she was comfortable with admitting."
I looked at him quickly. "You think I am right?" I exclaimed. "She has 'eyes' for you, but when I saw it and commented on it, it shamed her, and she became defensive? That was why her reaction was so severe?"
"I think that is probably the case," he replied, looking just a small bit sheepish. "She has never been anything but proper with me, but I catch her watching me at times, when she thinks I do not see. She does special favors for me, and brings me special gifts for no reason—that sort of thing." His smile widened. "It is very flattering, but as she told you, I am very married. I truly have no interest in affairs of the flesh any longer, so it matters not how she feels, unfortunately for her. She will find someone eventually to fill her heart, I have no doubt."
I was very curious about what he had just said, but I had gotten myself into so much hot water by being curious, that I dared not ask about his 'disinterest in affairs of the flesh'. I wondered, since he was so forthcoming about the subject and showed no shame in admitting such a thing—unlike a mortal man would have—that it must not be an uncommon thing for an Elf to lose interest in pleasures of the flesh after they reached a certain age. I was going to make a mental note to discuss this with Haldan. If anyone would be open about such a subject, it would be him.
"I still do not want her as a handmaiden any longer, Elrond," I said honestly. "I have been doing for myself all of my life and having someone wait on me goes against everything I stand for. Please don't make me take her back into my service."
"Maeren," he said, his voice taking on a condescending tone, "all ladies in the house have handmaidens. That is simply how it is."
"Then I wish to move out to the Healing Halls," I said directly. "Wherever Haldan and the others reside, that is where I wish to live as well."
"That is impossible," he replied coolly, as if I were small child.
"And why is that, Elrond?" I asked, my voice rising along with my anger. "I thought nothing was impossible for the Eldar; at least that is what most of them delight in telling me."
"You need not become angry," he admonished. "It is impossible, because I am taking over your care now that I am home, and I cannot see to you efficiently if you are out in the Healing Halls. That is why, and the subject is closed. C-L-O-S-E-D."
I wanted to scream at him. Instead I seethed. "You are hateful; do you know that?" I asked quietly.
"I have been told that many times," he admitted, "and right here in this room, by one not unlike you, actually."
I remembered that Elrohir, when showing me this room for the first time, had told me that this had been Arwen's room. Thinking of her made me smile.
"Arwen told me once that she felt we were kindred spirits," I said wistfully.
"The more I speak to you, and get to know you," Elrond said, "the more inclined I am to agree with her." He rose from his chair and extended his hand to me. I was still very angry with him, but was more intimidated by him, so I took his hand and rose. He led me to the bed, and it did not take a genius to realize that he was putting me there.
"What if I am not ready to sleep yet, Elrond?" I asked indignantly.
"I can help you with that small problem," he replied with confidence.
I covered myself up with some help from my Elven keeper. I must have been scowling horribly at him, for suddenly he leaned down and scowled horribly at me.
"Your face will stay that way, should you continue to abuse it thusly," he ground out of his frown.
I cursed myself and laughed; I could not keep a straight face with him mocking me that way. He looked completely asinine. He straightened up and became lordly once again.
"Tomorrow, when you are hopefully in a better mood," he said pointedly, "we will discuss some of the things you brought up tonight, plus some others I would have words with you about. For now, humor an old Elf and sleep. May I induce sleep upon you, Maeren? It hurts not at all, and you will wake when you will. 'Tis not a drug nor magical—I have no control over the length or depth of your unconsciousness. Will you allow me to do this for you?"
I heaved a tired sigh. "All right, my lord," I replied dejectedly. "That will be the only way I will return to sleep this night, I fear, and I desperately need rest. Lay on your tingling hands."
"I see you have had benefit of this procedure before," he said, eyebrows rising.
"A few times," I admitted. "Elladan has used it on me twice himself, and he and Haldan employed it when I was in pain with a stone a while back. I know how it works, and I do not fear it. It is very welcome, truthfully. I thank you."
He sat on the edge of my bed and placed one of his slender hands along the side of my face. His hand was gentle and warm—and of course, it tingled. I breathed deeply with peace and closed my eyes.
It seemed there were others in my life, which I could not decide if I loved or hated tonight—and they would be the Elves.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
The morning began very much better than the night had ended, thanks be. I rose and got myself ready for the day—no Nivia, no braids, no fussing. I went down to the morning meal, neither early nor late. Elrond and Glorfindel greeted me upon my arrival. I in turn greeted the others as they arrived after me. No one asked about my absence of the night before. I assumed that either Nivia spilled the story to everyone, or they decided to spare me the inquisition.
Elrond requested my attendance at a meeting in the library as soon as the meal was concluded. He also called for the presence of Haldan. No one else was invited, thankfully. I really had no wish to be grilled by the Lord of Imladris in the presence of a crowd, and since Haldan was firmly in my corner, I believed he would not allow Elrond to pound me into mush if he could stop it. So when the time came to depart for the meeting, I was fairly calm for a change.
Elrond's library was a wonderful place, even though most of the volumes it contained were written in Elvish, and I could not read a word of what was written in them. There is just something about a library—a place filled with row upon row of books of all shapes and sizes. It smelled of books and knowledge—ancient lore all but forgotten, had someone not thought to eternalize their thoughts on the pages in ink.
Elrond ushered Haldan and I into the room and to a square table. He sat us down there, and then seated himself. Already on the table lay a sheaf of papers neatly bundled and tied at the top, and Elrond immediately began perusing them as soon as he was comfortable. After just a few seconds, he glanced up at me and set the papers back down.
"I asked you both here in order to be brought up to date on how your condition is proceeding, Maeren," Elrond informed us. "It seems that upon your arrival, Haldan gave you a fairly thorough examination, did he not?"
"Yes," I replied, smiling. "He did, and he pronounced me and the baby well, although he did advise rest for a day."
Elrond nodded and put in, "Which advice you took, did you not?"
"I did, my lord," I agreed.
"Haldan," Elrond looked to the Head Healer, "your report says that the child seemed to be right on schedule as far as size and heart rate, and its movements were sufficient. Is that right?"
"Yes, my lord," Haldan said beaming. He was such a beautiful Elf.
"Then we come to the kidney stone incident," Elrond said, one eyebrow rising, and one eyebrow frowning. That was a trick of his brows I had not seen him perform before, and it was eye catching, to say the least. Then my stomach dropped to my feet, and I wondered just how detailed the report was that Haldan had written up about my arrival to the Healing Halls that night.
"I see that at first the diagnosis was—sketchy at best," the Elf lord said as he referred to the report. I am sure I must have been turning ten shades of red. Without moving my head, my eyes wandered over to Haldan, and his eyes were bouncing around the room, not lighting on anything or anyone, in their quest to avoid contact with either Elrond or me.
"However," Elrond continued, "it seems that the following morning you had a sudden inspiration, Haldan, and diagnosed the kidney stone. Is that correct?"
"–es," Haldan gasped, "Yes," he corrected himself, "I finally put one and one together, er—as it were—I mean—yes. That is correct."
"Be at ease, Haldan," Elrond said smiling. "I do not hold you accountable for my son's fleshly nature. You wrote a thorough report of your findings, as a good healer would. Worry not. Actually, Haldan that will be all. Thank you for your attendance."
"Pardon me, Elrond," Haldan began, "I know 'tis not my place, but please remember our lady here is in a delicate condition and lately has been showing a much melancholy side."
"No pardon needed, my friend," Elrond assured him. "I promise I will remember. Have no worry for her safety. I will not harm her—body or soul."
Haldan smiled wanly, squeezed my hand and rose to leave. He gave one last pointed look at Elrond, then turned and left. My eyes were growing larger by the minute, I was sure. My face was probably growing pale as well.
Elrond turned his full attention on me. I felt as I had when I told the King I was going to have his child—suddenly faint, and as if I would fall to the floor. However, I was sitting, so I would not have far to fall. The Elf lord must have seen the distress I was in. He suddenly reached out with both of his hands and cupped my face. I felt the healing tingle, and a surge of power, almost, but instead of sleepiness, it was more of a boost this time.
Incredible. It worked in reverse as well?
"Maeren," he called softly, "are you with me again?" I could barely hear him, so I supposed that technically, I was not. So I did not answer him. He called me again, and he sounded louder this time. So I did answer him.
"Yes," I said weakly. "I am here. I think."
Elrond got up from his seat and went to his desk a few feet away, where on one corner sat a decanter with small stem ware glasses. He poured a glass of whatever it was for me, and brought it to me, placing it in my hand. When I made no move to drink it, he took my hand in his and guided it to my lips, helping me sip it. I'd had it before, at the Palace in Minas Tirith. It was somewhat like wine, but was not; I knew not what to call it. However, it was most pleasant tasting and warm going down. It did bolster me, so along with the Elven healing Elrond had given me, I was coming around finally.
"I am sorry, my lord," I said quietly. "The circumstances surrounding my visit to the Healing Halls the night of the stone flare up, were embarrassing indeed, and for obvious reasons, I felt extreme shame that you found out about them at all."
"Indeed," Elrond said. "That is understandable. However, the incident is done and will not be repeated. Will it?" He asked the question with such complete authority that I could do nothing but agree.
"No," I said. "It will not occur again."
"That is just as I thought," he said. "I have spoken to Elladan concerning the matter, and he assures me 'twas nothing but a passing fancy between the two of you. Is that correct?"
"Yes, my lord," I answered automatically. I know not why I was not affronted by his directness. I suppose I was still not myself from my near faint—that, and I was petrified.
Elrond breathed a huge sigh, placing his elbows on the table and rubbing his eyes with his fingertips. He placed his arms on the table, crossing them.
"I feared the worst when I saw the details of this report, Maeren," he said directly. "I could let you read it, but suffice it to say that Haldan left no particulars out. Let me first say, that I am not in the habit of intruding into either of my sons' private lives, but after the nightmare I have just lived through with their sister and a mortal, quite understandably, my blood ran cold when I saw your name and Elladan's linked in this way. I am going to ask you straight out—are you in love with my son?"
"No, Elrond, I am not," I declared. It seemed as if my voice had decided to come back to me again. "Elladan has approached me several times, and I would be lying if I said I sent him away. I did not. He is a very attractive Elf, and I am a healthy female—I do not apologize for that. But I am not in love with him, nor have I ever indicated such to him. He has never spoken words of love to me directly, but at times, I wonder if his feelings do not run deeper than he is letting on. Haldan reminded me that the twins would have to make the same choice that Arwen made. Unfortunately, that had not occurred to me before, or I never would have even had a 'passing fancy' with Elladan. I swear to you that is true. Never would I have done that to you, knowing the misery you have been in over Arwen's choice. I promise you now that Elladan's choice—whatever it ultimately will be—will not be made because of me."
"I appreciate your candor," Elrond said sincerely. "You know not how much I appreciate it. But please—and I am asking you this from my heart—do not lose sight of your promise to me. I do not think I can bear to lose either of my sons in the same way that I have lost my daughter."
"You will not lose them, Elrond," I said in earnest. "At least, not on my account. I have not spoken to Elladan about my being 'off limits' as of yet, and I know not if I will spell it out quite in this way. I may simply profess concern over the baby, and I am sure he will respect my wishes about that. He was plenty afraid when Haldan made his first 'diagnosis', that is for certain." I smiled for the first time during this conversation, as did the Elf lord sitting across from me.
"I can just see his face," Elrond admitted, his smile growing, "when Haldan told him what he thought was wrong with you. I'll bet Elladan was ready to give up fleshly pleasures for a century if it would make things right for you again."
I laughed. "He was certainly shaken," I agreed. "Elladan is a wonderful person, Elrond. Both of your sons are."
"I agree with you," he said, "but then, I am partial, so my opinion really doesn't count.
"It counts a great deal with me," I said, trying to butter him up. I was hoping to move on to other topics now that I thought this one was settled.
"Elrond," I began, hoping it was safe to change the subject, "you said we could discuss this today—"
"About moving out to the Healing Halls?" he asked pointedly.
"No," I said with dismissal. "I've given you that one. I'll not fight you on it. The one about the handmaiden—do not make me have one. I do not need waiting on; truly I do not."
He considered a moment, then said, "Done. Anything else?"
I was so surprised, I could think of no other requests! Drat, and it would have been such a good time to do it, with him in such a receptive mood, or so it seemed!
"No," I replied. "That is all—for the moment," I qualified.
He smiled. "I will be sure to await your further requests. Now, scoot you off to wherever you are to be. I have work to do. Much catching up, after my absence."
"Elrond," I said, "you care not if I attend Haldan in the Healing Halls, do you?"
"Of course not," he replied scowling, "what would give you that idea?"
"Only Erestor's insistence that I not dare put a toe in there while you were away," I said sarcastically.
Elrond smiled a ghost of a smile. "Pay no heed to Erestor," he said. "Give him his due respect, but follow Haldan's orders. He knows how things are done in Imladris' Healing Halls."
"Erestor deserves no respect," I retorted quickly. "He's arrogant, rude and nasty most of the time."
"Nevertheless," Elrond looked me in the eyes, "you will give him the respect you would give anyone else in this house, Maeren. That is abundantly clear, is it not?"
I was a bit taken aback, but how could the statement be anything other than crystal clear?
"Of course, my lord," I replied. "I will do so per your command."
"Very well," he said. He stood and walked to the desk. "Now get you gone, I have much work to do." He was smiling at me. His face was most pleasant—almost handsome when he smiled in that way. I smiled in return and left him to his business.
I would have almost felt lighthearted, had it not been for the fact that I still had to face Elladan. I still had to tell him that we were no longer going to pursue each other in a carnal fashion. It was going to hurt me just as much, if not more, than it was going to hurt him. Elrond had said he had discussed the matter with his son, but he had not told me if he had declared me off limits to him. I supposed it was up to me to make the declaration. I was very tired of worrying about this, and the only way I could see it going away was to confront it once and for all. I decided that tonight, after evening meal, unless the opportunity presented itself before then, would be the time I would definitely do the dirty deed—of telling him the awful news.
I spent the rest of the day with Haldan in the Healing Halls. He was much relieved to see me in one piece when I made my appearance there after I left Elrond. I watched as he visibly relaxed at the sight of me safe and sound, as I walked in the door of the infirmary. I laughed at his chagrin as he began to apologize for his habit of copious note-taking concerning examinations. I asked him just what he had included in that report, and he told me that he had written absolutely everything that he had told me and Elladan. Absolutely everything! I blushed just thinking about Elrond reading it, but I laughed as well. Elrond certainly was a good sport, considering the circumstances. He could have made mincemeat of me, but he treated me with much respect and kindness. I was impressed with the Lord of Imladris. Very impressed.
We spent a pleasant day going through the herb cabinets, checking for freshness and quantity, making notes of things that were needing replacement or refilling. I had knowledge of all known herbs—I thought. However, there were many more the Elves knew of that Humans apparently did not. The task took over three hours. The list for replacements and refilling was fairly long, but Haldan assured me that we would have no trouble finding the herbs in the gardens of Imladris. Or, failing that, we would be able to find them on the land within the borders, he was sure.
"Will we get to go find them?" I asked eagerly.
"Well, I will," he said pleasantly enough.
My face fell. "Are you telling me you plan on leaving me behind?" I asked, just a bit hurt.
"You are hardly in any condition to be traipsing about Imladris on horseback, my dear," he said stuffily. "Surely you agree."
"I most certainly do not agree," I said, beginning to be angry. I was growing tired of getting angry. I was doing too much of becoming angry lately.
"Maeren," Haldan said, his voice turning soft and gentle, "do not be angry with me. I am only looking out for you and the child. You know I do not enjoy tying your hands for my pleasure."
Valar, I felt like weeping again. What was happening to me of a sudden? Anger and weeping were becoming my companions again, and I liked it not at all.
I took a deep breath and stifled my tears. "Of course I know that, Haldan," I said calmly. "I am sorry. I was just looking forward to getting outside and gathering the herbs—doing healer things, you know? And being with you, that is all. "
Haldan's face broke into his angelic grin, and his eyes sparkled.
"Perhaps we can work something out, Maeren," he said. "Let me think on it, all right?"
I threw my arms around his neck. "Thank you, Haldan," I said, as I released him. "It means a lot to me, you know. I feel useless here most of the time. Let me do something to feel like I contribute, please?"
"I said I would work on it, lady," he said, laughing. "Some of these things we can merely walk the grounds and find, so of course you can accompany me. Perhaps some of the more rare ones we can take a wagon out and find. It will not be as efficient, but who cares? It isn't as if the Healing Halls are awash with patients these days, is it?"
"Thank you, Haldan," I said, genuinely moved that he would alter his plans to accommodate me. "It means a lot to me that you would go to so much trouble just to appease me. You are truly a sweet Elf, you know that, do you not?"
"But of course I am!" Haldan said, that impish smile firmly in place. "Please, do not forget it, and above all, tell everyone you see or meet, about all of my attributes, would you?"
I laughed. Eru, but it felt wonderful to laugh!
"Haldan," I teased, "have you a lady for yourself? I just may have to claim you if you do not!"
Haldan's smile widened, and he beamed even more.
"I do, Maeren," he said. "However, she is in the Undying Lands with Celebrian; I, too, am in the same situation that Elrond is in. My lady—Elania is her name—suffered mightily with the sea longing. It was making her ill, she longed to sail so badly. I practically had to drag her to the dock myself, she so did not want to leave me; but I was not ready to go yet. I have my charges here to look after—Elrond, Elladan, and Elrohir; Glorfindel and even ornery old Erestor. They are my people, and I have taken an oath that as long Elrond holds sway over Imladris, I hold sway over Imladris' Healing Halls. Elania awaits me, and it will not be long before we are reunited. When Elrond sails, I sail as well. I look forward to it. I miss her fiercely."
"Oh Haldan," I exclaimed, "I am so elated for you! To know that you are not alone, that you have a lady waiting for you, makes me very happy!"
"Now all we need do is find a man for our Maeren," Haldan said.
My smile faded slightly. "Worry not about me, Haldan. I am destined to be alone. I want none other than the man that I had, and he is gone. So I will live the rest of my days by myself, thank you very much."
"Now, I believe that," Haldan said skeptically, "like I believe Orcs smell like flowers. Elves differ from Humans in their capacity to bond in love but once. Humans, I know, have a much greater capacity for love than this. It was told to me once, by someone very wise."
"And who might that have been, my dear healer?" I asked him facetiously.
"I forget," he said impishly. "But believe me, she was very, very wise."
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