Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings, and all its characters, races, and creatures, as well as our beloved Middle Earth, belongs to JRR Tolkien.
The soft knocking persisted, and I grimaced. I was anything but presentable. I'd been weeping when I fell asleep, and my face was certain to show it. However, it seemed that whoever it was would not be deterred, and they knocked for a third time, more loudly, perhaps thinking I still slept and they needed to wake me. I sat up and bid the caller to enter.
To my surprise, it was a smiling Elrond that was at my door, laden with a tray that was filled with my morning favorites. I wanted to weep at his thoughtfulness—as well as at my sheer joy at seeing him again.
"I am sorry to wake you," he said quietly, "but I could not contain myself until I would speak with you. I hope you do not mind too much." He set the tray upon the bed while I adjusted myself sitting up against some pillows. He helped me plump them up, and fussed with the covers, too. I could not stop my tears, and I covered my face with my hands.
He sat down beside me and drew me into his wonderful and welcome embrace.
"Do not cry, Maeren," he told me, "lest you will have me at it again. I have wept more in the past month than I have in my entire lifetime, and I am well tired of it!"
I sat back out of the Elven lord's arms and grabbed the coverlet, using it as a hanky, which made Elrond chuckle.
"I truly made a mess of things, Elrond," I snuffled. "You know not how sorry I am for the turmoil I have caused within your family. I would not blame any of you if you hated the very sight of me and wished never to lay eyes on me again. I weep from the sheer joy that you seem not to hate me. It would rend my heart asunder were that true."
"You made a mess of things, child?" Elrond asked me, with seeming incredulity. "How I tried to place the blame elsewhere, Maeren, but I am afraid in this case, it lies squarely on my shoulders." I looked at him, and he smiled at me. "You are blameless in this, young one. You did only as I asked of you. Elladan made his own decision, and I allowed it, not knowing the consequences; but still, had I not interfered, none of this would have come to pass. Worry not over that which you have no responsibility, child. There are always plenty of things to go around for which we are responsible; we need not go looking for things to feel guilty over."
I fell into Elrond's arms once again, relief flooding my soul with such force as to be overwhelming. I sobbed as the tension left me. I had not really known just how much pressure I had put upon myself over this situation in which I had been involved. It felt so good to be in this Elf's embrace, to have his gentle guidance once again. I knew it was only temporary, but I refused to think about that at this time. Elrond was here with me now, and that was all that mattered to me at the present.
He laid me back against my pillows and took up the napkin that had been placed on the tray of food he had brought. He dabbed at the tears on my face, his expression that of an indulgent father.
"You must be as tired of weeping as I am," he stated, "especially if you have shouldered all of this blame yourself."
"I am extremely tired of weeping," I said, as I took the napkin from him and continued the job that he'd started. "But now my tears are those of relief, thank the Valar. And thank you."
"No thanks to me," he corrected. "I am the cause of these problems, let's not forget."
"Elrond," I asked, "the twins—will they recover completely now? I had so many questions last night, but wanted not to intrude on your reunion with Arwen and Aragorn. Would you explain exactly how events transpired from your end of things?"
"Of course I'll explain," he told me. "But I want you to eat." He picked up the tray he had so thoughtfully brought with him and deposited it on my lap. I dutifully began picking at the sweet roll that sat invitingly on a plate.
"After about a week of travel toward the Grey Havens," Elrond explained, "I noticed—we all noticed—that Elladan had become withdrawn. As time went on, he ceased eating and sleeping, but when asked, he would deny any ill feelings. I summed it up as missing you and his brother and Leofa, of course, and let him be, for the most part; but he continued to decline. By the time we had traveled halfway to Mithlond, he was truly despondent—weeping often, very tired, refusing to eat and not sleeping at all. Haldan finally convinced me that we should lay our hands on Elladan; really examine him with our minds and our hearts—make sure just exactly what was wrong with him before we set sail. Sweet Eru, am I glad I listened to him!
"It took not much listening with our healing selves to discern that Elladan was grieving the loss of Elrohir. I am not even sure it registered completely in Elladan's mind, that it was his brother he was so desperately needing. The minute Haldan and I realized the depth of Elladan's grief for his twin, we broke from the others and headed directly back here. We knew not for sure, but we judged if Elladan was grieving this badly for his brother, then Elrohir was most likely in the same condition as well."
"When I retired last night," I began, "Elrohir was already looking much better. It was amazing, Elrond, but just before you arrived, Elrohir's condition began improving. It was as if just having Elladan in closer proximity was enough to begin rebuilding Elrohir's strength."
"Yes," he agreed. "It was uncanny. The same thing occurred with Elladan. He had been practically mute the entire journey back here, until just before we reached the gates. He then began to ask for water and say that he was feeling ill. It was one of the strangest things I have ever witnessed; but quite frankly, I hope to never witness such a thing again!"
"Neither do I!" I agreed. "Neither do I. I had thought, at first, that Arwen was jesting with me when she told me that Elves died of grief. But she wept when she told me of it. It seemed so totally out of character, that an Elf—a being so totally strong and vibrant; so full of life and unusually stubborn—could give up and give in over something like grief. I do not understand such a thing, Elrond. Can you explain this to my feeble Human mind?"
"I know not if I can explain it well, whether your mind be astute or feeble," Elrond answered with a small chuckle, "other than to tell you that immortality has its drawbacks, my dear. By that I mean that Elves—even young ones like Elladan and Elrohir—have lived so long and have had so many experiences, good and bad, that over the centuries and millennia, they all begin to add up, for want of a neater phrasing. Elves learn various ways to cope and deal with grief, but some grief is simply too deep to bear. When an event is amassed on top of untold numbers of grievous events that have occurred over such a lengthy lifetime, something may happen that proves an overpowering burden to some—the last straw, as it were. They reach the end of their rope. We both have just witnessed the result of Elves being overpowered by a burden too heavy for them to bear."
"Yes," I agreed. "It was horrendous, Elrond. Just horrendous. Elrohir was not at all himself. He could not make even the smallest decisions on his own. He wanted not to live any more. But through it all, he did not mention the fact that he grieved for Elladan—never did he mention that. I found that so unbelievable."
"I, too, wondered at that phenomenon," Elrond admitted. "Elladan never mentioned his brother, either. That was why I believed it was you for which he grieved. It took Haldan's incessant nagging for me to finally relent and examine Elladan, before we knew the truth of his illness. I cannot believe I was so obtuse."
"I suppose we will never know—nor do I hope to know, if by knowing we will have to experience the illness again!" I exclaimed. "I am just glad it is over. And you are sure they will be fine now?"
"Yes," Elrond replied. "By the time I retired for the night, the twins were laughing; that is something that truly amazed me."
I breathed an audible sigh of relief.
"I know Arwen and Aragorn are certainly eased to have you here, and to know that both of their brothers are going to be fine. They were both so overwrought by this turn of events. Arwen had spent the past several days going through the musty old archives looking for anything to do with Elves, in hopes of finding something to help Elrohir. I, on the other hand, spent my time antagonizing Aragorn. If that man doesn't despise me, I know not why."
Elrond's face softened at the mention of the other two of his children—one by birth, the other fostered.
"Estel ever speaks highly of you, Maeren," he assured me. "He has the utmost respect and admiration for you. He thinks you an exemplary healer and an unparalleled mother. I know not why you would think he would believe ill of you."
My jaw dropped in astonishment.
"He told you that?" I asked him, my voice rife with skepticism.
"Of course he told me that," he admonished me. "Think you I would put words in his mouth to suit my own purposes? And to what end? Exactly why would I do such a thing?" He smiled at me knowingly, because he knew how torn I had been about Aragorn's role in Leofa's life, even before our son had been born.
"I do not understand that man," I admitted. "And I probably never will."
"You still have much maturing to do, young one," the Elf lord said kindly, even though the words were somewhat hurtful. I was thirty years old, after all. I should be fully mature. He was more or less telling me I acted childish at times. I decided that since I greatly valued his opinion, I had better listen closely to what he was saying to me.
I could see the wisdom of the ages in his eyes, as well as his love for me. I knew whatever he may say next would not be to hurt me, but to help me to grow. I steeled myself to accept the criticism in the manner in which it was intended—to help me, not to beat me down. I prepared myself to listen to what this Elf was going to say.
"You are sharp and full of wit, Maeren," he observed. "However, sometimes you are so unsure of yourself that you automatically believe others are also, and you pounce on them before they have a chance to prove your opinion right or wrong!" I smiled slightly and looked down at my hands as they destroyed the sweet roll I'd had every intention of eating. I was surprised when Elrond's long fingers guided my chin up so that I had to look at him as he spoke to me. "Estel senses this and takes it into account.
"I would see you allow your self-confidence to grow. On the surface you seem to fair burst with it. But the longer one knows you, the more one can tell that it is for the most part an act; an act which must be extremely exhausting to uphold. And the heartbreaking thing is that you need not act. You are a brilliant healer in your own right. And before you begin gainsaying me, remember the boy whose leg I gave a small boost before you left last spring. He was coming along, but the infection was stubborn. Most healers would not have even bothered trying to save that young man's leg, yet you did. I am still not yet convinced it was the wisest decision, given the circumstances."
"Darren was brought in the day before the battle on the Pelennor," I told Elrond. I was just a wee bit affronted by his challenge of my choice to save the soldier's leg. "Thank Eru it was not the day of the battle, or I would not have had the luxury of making the choice that I did."
Elrond smiled slowly and arched one eyebrow. "You have convinced me nicely, thank you. You had no doubt at all about that decision, and it shows in your attitude. But when you have doubt, you become defensive, although it does not come out as defensive; it comes out as abrasive."
I had often wondered if that was what my problem had been with the staff in the Houses of Healing. Now Elrond had confirmed what I had wondered about myself. Well, at least I now had something concrete with which to work, and work I would. With my new-made plans to return to Edoras, I would entreat Lord Keodwyn to take me back as no more than an aide, if that was all his need, and I would begin with my character retraining there.
"Is that all, my lord," I asked him facetiously, "or are there more character flaws I need be made aware of?" My smile, I hoped, let him know I was teasing him.
"Except for a bent towards sarcasm," Elrond said with a feigned sneer, "I can think of no others."
We both laughed at that.
"I know you asked me not for my opinion," he admitted, "so excuse me if I speak out of turn."
"I ever seek your opinion," I told him, "whether I ask for it aloud or not. It means much to me that you care enough about me to give it, and I will work at building my confidence in myself. It is true—self-doubt has always assailed me; except where treating wounds and sickness is concerned. Most times I am very confident when in the infirmary and dealing with the patients. It is the staff I have the trouble with. They are who I lack the confidence with, and it always shows itself with abrasiveness, and the staff resents my attitude. I thank you for helping me to sort it all out."
"I would venture to say," Elrond said as he stood, "that you will have a visitor soon, crying to be fed. I will leave now, and let you prepare for the day. Until later, then?"
"Until later," I replied. I watched the Elf lord as he left the room, and I put aside the tray and rose from the bed.
As I prepared myself for the day, I thought about my Elven friend. Calling him a friend was not quite right—he seemed more family to me, yet he was not. Oh well, I was not Elven and he was not Human. I suppose that meant we were friends only.
After I had dressed, I ran a comb through my red gold hair several times, then gave it a number of twists before I pinned it in place in its perpetual knot at the nape of my neck.
Eru, I was still tired. Or maybe I was tired again. Perhaps I would return for a nap after I fed Leofa. Self-discovery certainly took a lot out of a woman!
Despite Elrond's warning, it was still fairly early, and Aragorn did not have Leofa downstairs before I arrived after all. I did wish he would hurry though, truth be known; it was later than I was accustomed to, and I was becoming a bit uncomfortable with needing to nurse my baby. I suppose they had all stayed up later than usual, celebrating the Elves' timely and unexpected arrival—and the twins' return to good health—thanks be!
Thankfully, I had not long to wait before Leofa's squeal at seeing me announced his entrance into the sitting room where we had all been gathered last night. Aragorn carried him into the room, and I thought to myself that there was probably never a father more proud of a child. I hurried over to my son, whose chubby outstretched arms were extended to me in such an endearing way. I lifted Leofa above my head, and he laughed and giggled—he reminded me of Tristin when he did that.
"Good morning, Aragorn," I said gently. "I trust you slept well."
"Yes, I did, as a matter of fact," he replied. "The first good night's sleep I've had in two weeks, I can safely say."
"Indeed," I agreed. I sat myself down on the sofa, and proceeded to feed my son. It was amazing how easy I found it to feed Leofa in front of people—men and women alike. I supposed it was something a woman simply got used to after awhile. And practice at being discreet certainly helped the situation.
"Is Arwen coming down soon?" I inquired.
"She was still sleeping when I brought him down," he said as if he was amazed. "Leofa is hardly quiet when he wakes, so I know not how she was kept from being disturbed."
"Probably sheer exhaustion," I declared, "from worry over Elrohir. She did not show it, but she must have been completely beside herself with worry."
"That is probably it," Aragorn agreed.
I could not believe that Aragorn and I had had a complete discussion, and I had not been sarcastic or mean even one time! That must have been some type of record for me!
Aragorn excused himself and left the room, only to be replaced a few minutes later by Haldan, who made his way over to me, his beautiful visage aglow with delight at seeing Leofa and me again. He hugged us both awkwardly, seeing as how I had my son at my breast at the moment, and he kissed my cheek, then perched on the low table that sat before the sofa in front of me.
"Good morning, Maeren," he said sweetly. "How are you faring today?"
"I fare extremely well," I replied, "now that the twins are going to be fine."
"I think we are being discussed, Brother," Elrohir said, entering the room with Elladan. They both looked very much better, though by no means completely back to full health.
"Speak of evil, and it befalls you," Haldan said cleverly, wrinkling his nose.
"How can you speak so ill of the sick and downtrodden?" Elladan asked, a mask of false hurt covering his innocent face.
"Ill and downtrodden my beautiful ass!" Haldan scoffed, a half smile softening his sham of a frown.
Leofa burped—loudly, and everyone laughed.
"My thoughts exactly, son," I added to the melee of Elven conversation.
Aragorn returned and was quickly followed by a servant bearing a tray upon which sat a tea service with cups and all the fixings for our morning drink. Elladan sat beside me and poured me a cup, spooned in a generous glob of honey and stirred it well. He set it before me with a wink and a smile.
"Just how you like it, lady healer," he said quietly. His smile was beautiful, even though his face was still gaunt.
"Thank you, Elladan," I replied just above a whisper. I took a sip, rolling my eyes with the splendor of the wonderful taste, then set Leofa to nursing at my other breast. Elladan sat back beside me and began stroking Leofa's soft hair. My son lifted his hand to investigate who was combing their fingers through his red gold locks, and Elladan laced his long Elven fingers amid the tiny Human ones. Leofa paused in his suckling, looking upward as far as his little eyes could go back, craning his neck and arching his back—and began to smile. Elladan looked at me, and I looked at the Elf, and we both smiled at each other. Leofa then continued his suckling. He wasn't finished with his meal yet.
"Breakfast will be served in here in a few minutes," Aragorn announced to us all. "Nothing fancy, just sweet rolls and sausages, but I doubt any of us will go hungry."
Before long, the room was alive with people. Elrond, Arwen and Glorfindel had each arrived and the sitting room was bubbling with conversation and cheer. I sat there and closed my eyes, awash with warmth and contentment; I had my son in my arms, and I was surrounded with Elves that I loved—and above all—they were all well and whole. Thank the Valar for that!
Leofa heard his Grandfather's voice within the crowd, and he must have suckled his fill. He sat right up and began to 'talk' looking around for his favorite Elf. I quickly covered myself. This child of mine had begun making discretion harder and harder to accomplish at times. Leofa finally caught sight of Elrond and squealed with delight, looking back at me with his silver gray eyes kindled with delight. He laughed and clapped his hands and babbled at me as if to tell me all about how his Grandfather had come back to see him, and that now baby Leofa wanted very badly to go and play with his Elf for a very long time! I hugged my son to me and stood, taking him to Elrond who was, of course, more than delighted to fulfill the child's every wish. I wanted to weep at how much Leofa loved this Elf! And I wanted to weep unceasing that my son would not grow up with Elrond in his life. It was a lack that no one else would ever be able to fill.
And so the morning was passed in this way. The twins grew tired and went back to bed—after having eaten twice what they normally would have eaten for breaking their fast of a morning. I was tired as well and sought my bed too. Elrond had the baby; with Aragorn right there with him. I knew Leofa would be occupied well until noon.
Haldan walked me to my room and put me to bed. He sang me a lullaby—he made me weep. He dried my tears. I fell asleep. I dreamed no dreams.
I only had just restful rest.
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Later that afternoon, while Leofa napped, I received a summons to attend the King in his study. Arwen was there with him, but aside from the two of them, we were alone. He sat in the chair behind his desk, and Arwen perched herself upon the arm of it. I was asked to sit in the chair across the desk from them, so I did as I was told. I wondered just what this was about, but I was not alarmed, nor was it causing me to feel threatened or angry.
The King came right to the point.
"I am prepared to offer you the position of Director of Health here in the city. Now before you say anything, listen to what I have to say, please. First of all, this is a legitimate offer. I would never use my position to further my own means. That is dishonorable and beneath me. Second of all, I have a recommendation—signed by the Steward of Gondor at the time, Faramir, son of Denethor, and dated just after my taking the throne. He proposes that you be considered to be the replacement for that waste of space, Lord Jeneson. You are very good at what you do, Maeren, and would be a considerable asset to Minas Tirith. Please do not dismiss this out of hand, just to spite me; or for whatever reason you usually find to butt heads with me."
I was dumbfounded. This certainly came from out of the blue.
"I am speechless," I admitted. "I know that is probably very hard to believe, but it is true." Aragorn chuckled, knowing my propensity for speech and plenty of it. "You know not what it means to me to be offered this position and to hear your praise of my work. Thank you for the compliments. And if I would be truthful, Faramir mentioned giving me the position in passing, the very day I told him I was with child. You know not how heartbreaking it was to be aware of the offer at a time like that.
"Aragorn," I almost scolded, "forgive me, but it does sound very much as if you have pulled this position from the cobwebs to ease your life. I have some doubt that I would be offered the Directorship, were I not the mother of your son, and it was not going to be a matter of great convenience for you to do so."
"Were you not the mother of my son," he replied without missing a beat, "you would already be in the position of the Directorship, and we would not be having this conversation at all."
"Since I have no way of countering that," I retorted, "I suppose I should consider myself bested in that argument. However Aragorn, you know as well as I do, that I cannot stay here. As brave as I am, I am very definitely Human and would not be able to stand up to the gossip and stares that being a mother without benefit of a husband will bring me. I know you want to be near your son. I want you to be, although my behavior at times may not lead you to think that. I know your intention was not to hide him and, wonderful as that is, it is not realistic—you know this as well as I do. As much as the people love their new King, a bastard child is not easily overlooked or forgiven.
"Besides, I have already made up my mind. I will be returning to Rohan—to Edoras. I will be amidst my brothers and their families. If Lord Keodwyn—the Warden in the Houses of Healing there in Edoras—will have me back, I will continue my training with him. Perhaps he can teach me some new techniques he has learned since last I have seen him.
"You and I will work out between us visits when Leofa can come and be with you. And I mean long visits—summer holidays, Yuletides when you will have him the entire season. Yes, it will try me beyond measure, but you are his father, and deserve to have some of these times with him as well as I do. It will work out, Aragorn. If we work at it and work together—which I am determined to do, and not be a pain in your backside at the same time. We can work this out."
"Will not you receive the same treatment in Rohan that you fear here in Minas Tirith, Maeren?" Arwen wanted to know.
"Yes, Arwen, I suppose that I will," I admitted. "But, I will have my family with me and many of my old friends; and when you have your family and friends with you, things are much easier to bear. It isn't that I do not hold you dear, but I would not have your name, or the King's besmirched along with mine, if word got out just whom the father of my child was. As it is, should anyone look overlong at Leofa, it would not take much guessing."
"Maeren," Arwen said haltingly, "there is Elladan, you know. He spoke to Estel and me—I hope this does not anger you, it was not our intention to do so. We were only trying to think of ways to work things out to everyone's benefit. Elladan suggested to us that he is more than willing to claim Leofa as his own, and wed you as well. He told us he is in love with you, and it would be his fondest wish to be with you—if you would have him. You could have the position you would dearly love to have. Elladan would be with the woman he would dearly love to be with. Estel could be near his son every single day—not just on holidays. It seems an answer to prayers almost. Is it something you would even consider?"
Sweet Eru, temptation would ever rear its ugly head at me, would it not?
I sat there in utter indecision for several moments, not knowing in the least what I should say. I finally decided not to decide at all right now.
"I would be lying if I said I was not tempted," I said, very much confused. "Could I have a while to consider your proposal?"
Arwen looked at Aragorn, who looked at her and smiled in conspiracy, it seemed to me.
"Take all the time you need," the King said to me. "Believe me, it is not our intention to coerce. We sat up here last night—the twins, Arwen and I—and simply ran through some ideas. This one answered the needs of several people—even the people of the city, were you to take the position offered to you." Aragorn paused and smiled. "We even risked your wrath at finding out you'd been discussed behind your back, to bring the idea to you this morning—it smacking of coercion and favoritism, and Valar knows what else."
I grinned. "It would certainly tie everything up very neatly, would it not?"
"It certainly would," Arwen agreed. "The only question would be, 'is it what you want, Maeren?'"
I rose from my chair.
"Yes, that is the question, isn't it?" I paused for I had not the answer to this all-important question. "If there is nothing else, I will go and give this much thought. I do appreciate all you have done in support of me; truly I do." I went to the door and opened it. "Until later." I left, closing the door behind me.
I stopped outside it for a few minutes, resting my forehead against the cool wood.
Just when I thought I had everything figured out—it had all come undone.
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