Author's note: So I haven't written much in a long time….then I come out with this pile of crap. Upsetting at the very least, I know. Rated PG-13 for some bad language. Please review…
-To Hna for being an absolute angel. xXx Love you lots…like Swiss Army knots
-To Annie for being an amazing beta (yet again!) and for just being an amazing person too….
-To Kate for threatening to post it if I didn't…..you're *great*
-To Freebs….because…you *rock*. Happie! Just ignore the bad cricket!
-To Kess………because you're just too darn funny…..and sweet! And because smut wouldn't be the same without you ;-)
-To Maggiemay….because Rod Stewart rocks my world baby!
-To anyone and everyone else who I'm not currently talking to and who I'd thank if there weren't so damn many of you….but love you LOADS!
Spoilers: Umm…not really…..not unless you *want* there to be. Addicts can see their addiction in *anything* ::nods::
Summary: Set at no definite time…..just playing on the emotions Abby would feel if she were to be left by Carter.
Some of us are born addicts, and we just wait for the addiction to find us. Others are born obsessive, and likewise we just have to wait for that certain obsession to find us. So don't waste any more time…go forth, obsess.
***
There are times in our lives when we doubt. We doubt at our lowest of times, when it seems as though no one's there with us. When it seems like when we need comfort most, everyone leaves us. The people who we were sure would be with us forever, until the very end, disappear. We only realise once it's too late, that doubt is but an illusion. Doubt is in mind and in the heart, yet absent in reality. The people we love never truly leave us, but it is in our lowest moments in which we believe they do. Doubt is life's way of telling us that no one can fix life's problems for us, we must deal with them by ourselves. And it is in these lowest moments that our true nature is revealed, that we either go on, or cease to be.
'If you want to talk or anything, I'm here Abby.' Like I'd talk to you Lewis. No seriously, who the fuck do you think I am? Some poor girl who's been dumped? Well fuck you, and you know what? Fuck that man you'd like to call your friend. Fuck him. He's not your friend, and he never will be. I don't think he has emotions; I don't think he can feel. And while I'm at it, who the fuck do you think you are? Saying something like that, you aren't my friend either, no one is.
It's hard to imagine a life without 'being'. We naturally assume that to live, we have to 'be', and after all, why wouldn't we? What the casual observer doesn't realise, that it's perfectly easy to live life by just going through the motions, and in all reality be hollow inside. No one can see that someone is empty just by looking with the naked eye. That's what inspires doubt, in our lowest times; we feel that those who say that they know us so well should notice the change. They should notice that we are no longer the person we used to be. What we let ourselves forget is that we are doing everything that we can to keep up the illusion of being normal. We just sit there waiting for someone to break down that wall which we build so carefully around us, so it is no surprise that we are filled with doubt when no one comes.
I sit, I talk, I stare. Nothing feels real, nothing feels like it used to… nothing feels. The cold morning air doesn't hit me like it used to, I feel different both inside and out and I wonder why no one can see that. I wonder if they can see me at all, I wonder if I'm really here. My bed feels empty; my life feels incomplete. The empty days loom ahead of me, and I wonder if they'll ever just end. I wonder if the fire inside me has finally gone out.
Crying allows us to let go of our feelings, crying allows us to hang on to what is left our sanity. When our life falls apart and the doubt sets in, all we can do is cry. Cry for what we had, cry for what we never had a chance to have. Sometimes the only thing to do is cry.