Arguing (5)
Ria
A.N. Song: All You Want by Dido from the No Angel album, marked
My first attempt at a song fic, so please forgive me and I'll never try it again!
I'd like to watch you sleep at night, to hear you breathe by my side / and although sleep leaves me behind, there's nowhere I'd rather be
She could trace every small dent in the ceiling. Knew every sound the empty house made. The muffled noise of the water heater, the sound of the air conditioning unit kicking in, the distant creak of an old house settling. The room was filled with early morning sun, the curtains pulled back to let the light bathe the room. It reflected off white walls, the white bed linen. Off her hair and face.
She was lying waiting. For a phone to ring. For her pager to go off. Knowing that they wouldn't because for the first time in as long as she could remember she had turned both of them off.
She was waiting for a car in the driveway. A knock at the door. Her heart to leap, and her stomach to instantly contract as she knew in that one moment he was here.
She spread an arm across the crisp cold sheet, sliding it seamlessly over empty sheets, touching the unused pillow. She rolled onto her side, inhaling slightly to get the faint scent of him there. Light bounced off the single ring on her hand, echoing around the empty room. She turned her hand over, blocking the prism of light.
She closed her eyes, imaging him now. The feel of his hair as she wrapped her fingers in it. The feel of his skin against hers. The feel of his warm breath against her cheek. She could hear his slight breathing, the occasional soft snore. The sound of the bed creaking as he shifted slightly in sleep, his arms tightening around her, pulling her closer. She snuggled into the pillow, into him now, wanting more than ever to just have his arms around her again. Feeling empty, alone, out of her depth. Wondering where her safety net had gone.
and now our bed is oh so cold, my hands feel empty, no one to hold / I can sleep what side I want, it's not the same with you gone / oh if you'd come home, I'll let you know that / all you want is right here in this room, all you want / and all you need, is sitting here with you, all you want
He stared up at the house. Stared up at their home. He could picture their bedroom. The morning sun reflecting off white walls and white sheets. Her, lying in bed, wrapped around him, his arms tight against her. Not willing to let go. The feel of her soft skin pressed so close to his, the echo of her heart beat with his, the soft breath exhaling against his chest. Her hair ticklish against his chest as she moved slightly, closer to him, into him.
He could hear the soft laughter as they talked into the night. Could hear the sounds of ecstasy, the sounds of angry voices, the creak of the bed, the sound of a glass splintering against the wall.
His skin began to crawl, like a million bugs had laid eggs and suddenly hatched all at once. The distant murmur of their voices was replaced with the sounds of excitement, shrieks of delight, the clanging of bells, the sounds of another winner. Another loser. He could feel within his crawling skin the tingling excitement of chips being laid on plush green table, of watching cards being dealt, or waiting for just the right moment to lay the royal flush down smartly on the table, feel his heart hammering in his chest, as the chips were pushed towards him. The other players despondent as he hid his excitement to deal in another game. Because if he could win once, he could win again. And one loss didn't mean a thing. To lose a few chips. To watch the cards being dealt again. To feel that contraction of the heart, the butterflies start dancing in the stomach, as each card was revealed.
To feel the sickness as another pile of cards hit the dust. To look at the dealer with that signal, to start all over again, because it had to be this time. Or this time. Or this time…
He looked up, alerted suddenly to the door opening. She stood framed in the doorway, her face perfectly blank, like a smooth canvas someone had forgotten to put the detail into. A perfect poker face. To all except him, anyway. He knew her. He knew her face, her knew her look, he knew her emotions. She looked for another moment before stepping back into the shadows of the house, leaving the door open. A sign? He didn't want a sign.
Royal Flush on the first hand. It was his night.
He reluctantly stepped towards the house, fighting the feeling of nausea, the clamp tight on his stomach, on his heart.
It's been three years, one night apart, but in that night, you tore my heart / if only you had slept alone, if those seeds had not been sown / oh you could come home, and you would know that / all you want is right here in this room, all you want / all you need is sitting here with you, all you want
She is sat at the breakfast bar, stirring a cup of coffee. The movement is agitated; it's black coffee, no additives. She doesn't look up at him, doesn't acknowledge his presence in this room. She's thinking about that morning, about waking up alone. Or about last night and the words said in anger, meant to hurt, meant to wound. A dagger to each of their respective hearts. Her responding with stoic silence before the tears fell. Him by leaving. By going back to the safety of the casino. Of the feel good factor of that maybe win. Sinking back into the counting of cards to stop the thoughts of their demolished relationship.
She knew where he'd been. It hadn't taken long to figure out. One phone call and she had heard the familiar sound of the one armed bandits playing their three note song.
She'd hung up without a word.
Cried harder.
He'd turned round to play one more hand. Just one more. There never was just one more.
They stood in the silence of the kitchen. The four walls closing in on them. The silence pressing on both of them so much that one of them had to say something, had to break it. Break it before it became all consuming.
'Did you win?' She finally asked in a flat voice.
Warrick didn't want to answer that. He could hear the disappointment in her voice.
'No.' He finally whispered.
'Oh. Is that why you came back?'
'No.' he repeated, more forcefully this time.
'Did you have fun?'
Yes. Yes, he'd had fun. The building excitement, trying to judge other peoples reactions, trying to keep account of fifty two cards, four suits, so many ways to win.
'Did you have fun?' She asked again, her voice strained slightly as she tried to hold back on anything that might be construed as emotion.
Stepping back into that environment. Hearing the three note jangle, hearing coins drop into steel trays being collected by eager hands.
She was on her feet now, staring him down, her eyes flashing with anger. 'Did you have fun?' She hissed.
'I made a mistake, Sare.'
'That's not what I want to know.' She spat back. 'Did you enjoy yourself. Sitting there in that casino? Did you enjoy the excitement of making bets, watching the cards, winning, or losing and maybe just winning next time. Did. You. Have. Fun?'
'I'm sorry, Sara. I…I…it was a mistake.'
'What, you made a wrong turning and ended up on the strip and needed to ask directions? Or maybe…or maybe you had a little amnesia. Or maybe you thought you were owed some money still.' The sarcasm dripping from her tone felt like poison to his stomach.
'I wasn't going to stay. I was just going to play one game. Just to feel better. I never meant to stay. I didn't want to stay.'
'Someone tied you to the blackjack seat?' She suggested. 'It's never just one more game with you, Warrick. It's never just one.'
'I know that, Sara.' He was yelling now, he didn't need his mistakes pushed onto him. 'Don't you think I know that?' he whispered. 'I know I have an addiction.'
'So why the hell did you go there? Of all the places, why the hell did you have to go there?'
'I didn't know where else to go.'
'Anywhere! Anywhere, but there. Surely Warrick after all this time…' She trailed off. 'After all this time why didn't you just stop and think?' She finished.
'I wasn't thinking, Sara. I just wanted to feel better. I know it's not an excuse, but it's the truth.'
'So one argument, one argument and you go running back there? You stood there and accused me of being more committed to work than our relationship, when at the first sign of trouble you go running back there.'
'It wasn't like that.' He said angrily.
'Oh, what was it like?'
'It's not the same. I haven't been in a casino for years. And I make one mistake and you jump down my throat.'
She stood silent for a moment, regarding him with hateful eyes.
'It was one mistake, Sara. One mistake.' He said, hearing the pleading quality of his voice even before he spoke.
I hear your key turning in the door, I won't be hearing that sound anymore / and you and your sin, can leave the way you just came in, send my regards to her / I hope you've found that / all you want, is right there in that room, all you want / all you need is sitting there with you, all you want
'That's not good enough, Warrick. You promised you wouldn't do it again. You promised that it was over.'
'It is, it is over. It's just not that easy.'
'Then make it that easy! You said that if I loved you, I would be able to commit to you. And then you go out and do this, and you wonder why I have trouble committing to any relationship. At least dead people never lied to me. If you loved me, you would never have done this. It would have been that easy.'
'It's not like that, Sara and you know that. I love you. I've never stopped loving you, or wanting to be with you, and one mistake doesn't have to be the end of it. One mistake doesn't change the fact that I want to be here with you.'
'But you chose to be there instead. You could have come home and we could have talked about it. I turned down Grissom so that we could talk. But you chose to go there instead. You stayed there because it was easier to go there than come and be with me. That was your choice, Warrick.'
'I didn't think, Sara.' He tried, desperate now. Desperate to stop the look in the eye, to stop the words stabbing into his heart. 'We can work this out.'
'Can we?' She whispered, the hurt doubling at her tone. 'Can we?'
I'd like to watch you sleep, to hear you breathe by my side