A/N: Stupid ff.net ruined my last chapter with some glitch, sorry about
that. I tried to replace the chapter, but it still looked messed up. Again,
sorry if it was hard to read. I want to thank lumos-girl and MeRcUrY for
their awesome reviews.
Disclaimer: Rowena is mine, but JKR has the rest. Lucky.
It was nearing Christmas break and Rowena was ecstatic beyond words. She even bought Snape a Christmas gift, a potions book which he was sure to like, though it was more theoretical than educational. It had been two long months since Remus visited her. Rowena completely forgot about Sirius's curse and how she was supposed to break it, though she religiously drank sleeping potions as Dumbledore asked, perhaps even more than she needed to.
It was time for her 6th year N.E.W.T. class, it was the last class before break, and she had something quite controversial planned. Rowena watched her familiar students walk in, noticing Draco was one of the first.
As the students situated themselves, Rowena started,
"We will be talking about the Cruciatus Curse today. As you must know, this is one of the most painful form of dark magic as well as an Unforgivable curse. It is very dishonorable curse to use, in my opinion, for it is used by Voldemort. But students, such curses are not bad in themselves, they are all about intent. If you use one of them irresponsibly, you have lowered your morals as a wizard.
"I am aware that some of my students will not listen to me, and join some mad wizard with a name that everyone flinches at. Be aware that by doing so you've given away all opportunities as a wizard. Everyone will do their own research on the Cruciatus Curse and write an opinion essay, three feet long at least. This will be your homework over the holidays. The Seventh year N.E.W.T. class get the same assignment. I've noticed that many of you might not try very hard on this essay, but to give you some inspiration, I've decided that the two students that give me the most complete, informative, and strong opinionated essays will both come with me and Professor Snape on a tour of the Museum of Aurors. You will miss a full day of school to do so."
Rowena noticed her students suddenly became bright-eyed and excited. They started murmuring and talking amongst themselves until Rowena cleared her throat.
"I suggest you start reading in your textbooks about dark magic, and then go into deeper research on the Cruciatus Curse. I will not accept an essay late unless there is a good reason. Get started!"
The students started reading eagerly, and Rowena's thoughts drifted once again. . .
*Rowena was sitting in her flat, which she shared with Lily before she married James. Lily had Harry about a year ago, which got Rowena to visit her and James, along with their child. She had met Sirius there, and was quite happy, for she had not seen him since the wedding. Sirius was being awfully reclusive, lately, and it worried Rowena. She remembered her carefree days with Sirius at Hogwarts, knowing that such pastimes were wrenched from her forever. He was so happy at the wedding. . .where had it all gone?
Rowena noticed that it was raining. The sky was a bleak gray, with some slight lightning bolts to break the monotony. Sirius wasn't the only one who was unhappy. She was, too, having a boring job at Gringotts. She had nothing to live for. Except Sirius. And they weren't even in love, romantically involved, none of it. They were friends. Not that it was bad, it was just. . . odd, surreal. She lived for him, breathed for him, her heart would beat for him, and yet she was unwilling to be in love with him. But, ironically, she loved Sirius. She just happened to deny it. She saw him go out with dozens of girls but he always came by her flat to tell her,
"I find myself always comparing them to you. They never are any comparison with you."
Rowena looked out the window, noticing something pull up to the curb. A motorcycle.
Sirius's motorcycle.
Rowena sighed, waiting for Sirius to come up to her door and knock, knowing she would answer, and that they would both be sad together.
Except this day would be wouldn't just be sad. This would be an end.
"Rowena?", Sirius's bittersweet voice called through the door as he knocked, "Are you home?"
Rowena walked slowly to the door, feeling her feet were like lead. She opened the door, finding a soaking wet Sirius, his hazel eyes bleak, his smile broke her heart.
Rowena returned an equally dismal smile.
"Come in, Sirius."
Sirius stepped in, his clothes were dripping onto the carpet, but Rowena didn't care. Lily didn't live with her anymore, why should she care. Rowena silently brought Sirius a towel, for which he gave a mumbled "Thanks.", and they both ultimately sat on the taupe-colored couch. Sirius's black hair was soaking like a dog's fur coat, which did not surprise Rowena, as his animagus form was a dog.
"So, what's new?", Rowena asked after several minutes in silence.
"Nothing. I can't think. Voldemort is after Lily and James, but you already knew that."
They both were silent again. Neither of them knew they would end up like this as adults. The only thing that was the way they imagined was that Sirius was training to become an Auror. Rowena was unsure of what she wanted to do with her life, so she took a decently paying job at Gringotts so she could pay for the flat on her own.
Sirius broke the silence.
"Why aren't we in love, Rowena? Why can't we marry?", his voice was cold and sad.
"We've been through this so many times, Sirius-
"Why?! Why can't we be together?"
"Sirius, I-
Sirius's eyes were piercing Rowena's eyes, burning her soul, ripping her heart into a myriad of pieces.
"Honestly, Rowena! How long do you plan to give me excuses and taunt me?! You know I love you! YOU KNOW IT! And you've got to feel the same way. . . I know you do! You're the only one for me! You were always jealous when I was with other-
"Sirius, please!"
Rowena was burning up inside. But she wasn't angry, she was downcast and Sirius's words made her cringe, and she could feel her eyes burning with warm tears. Indeed she loved him, but couldn't he see? He'd get hurt. Anyone Rowena was close to got hurt. It happened. And Rowena never felt really worthy of Sirius. He could have anyone, he was so handsome, so funny, so intelligent, so good. . . beautifully imperfect. She was nothing. She loved Sirius, but love was never enough. Her mum died on her, even though she loved her. Her father joined Voldemort and was in Azkaban, despite the love of his daughter that he returned so willingly. What was love? It couldn't help. It was a knife to the heart, that was what it was. It was bloody rubbish.
Rowena was now on the floor, her head hanging low, her tears dampening her hair. Sirius was still angry, she knew. No amount of tears could awake Sirius to how much he could hurt her. Rowena looked up to Sirius, whose eyes were still daggers to her.
"You make me so damn bloody miserable, Rowena. . . and yet you make me forget everything else that makes me miserable. What the hell, can't you choose?"
"Sirius. . . I can't. . ."
"WOULD YOU STOP THIS SELF-PITY! STOP IT NOW!"
Rowena kept thinking,
"You love me, Sirius, you don't mean it. Please! Please tell me you don't mean it! NO!"
She felt the rivers of tears running down her cheeks, feeling her heart collapsing over and over again.
Sirius turned around. He was going to leave. Rowena grabbed him by the knees, pressing her face against his leg, begging,
"D-don't do this, S-s-sirius! D-don't be m-mad at me! I don't want you to leave! DON'T LEAVE, PLEASE! O-oh G-god, Sirius. . .you don't want this."
Sirius looked down at her, his eyes cold and mocking.
"Oh, but don't I? Anyone would be glad to be with me, but I've only ever wanted you. And you constantly reject me. Tell me, Rowena, who is it that rivals me? Who is it that YOU want to be with?"
Rowena remained silent, only to realize she was begging Sirius to stay, groveling at his feet. This was not like her. Had this been anyone else, she would yelling at them to leave, and they would leave with two black eyes. She slowly got up.
"The reason all those other girls want to be with you is because of superficial things, Sirius. No one rivals you, Sirius, when it comes to my feelings. Remember when you carried me to the infirmary? Do you remember what I told you a week after? I care about you, Sirius, that's the very reason I won't be with you."
Sirius shook his head, and walked out the door.
"Sirius, NO!"
He refused to listen.
Those were the last words Rowena gave to Sirius, the very words she searched for in Dumbledore's office when she returned from Nepal. Rowena sat down in front of the closed door, crying, knowing Sirius would not want to see her again. He was good for his word. She banged at the door for what seemed an eternity and ultimately fell asleep, dreaming about everything she did with Sirius.
A week later James and Lily were killed, but Harry lived.
A week later Sirius was charged for a crime he didn't commit, a crime that didn't exist, and thrown into Azkaban, left to brood in a cell.
A week later Rowena left for Nepal, crying her eyes out, knowing that maybe, just maybe, if she had let Sirius love her, that Peter wouldn't have been able to frame him. Maybe she could have calmed Sirius down. Maybe they would be married, and have kids, that would someday go to school with Harry, and be his good friends. . . maybe love wasn't so bad. . .
"Take me instead. Give me the Dementor's kiss. I don't care. As long as they let Sirius go. He's suffered enough."*
"Are you alright, Professor Flintwood?", Hermione asked worried, the entire class staring concerned at Rowena.
Rowena looked down, noticing that liquid had stained her robes and her face. Tears. She had been crying in front of her class. Her thoughts were so vivid.
"Excuse me, class. I'll be back in a moment.", Rowena said, sounding drowsy.
She shut the classroom door, running for the lake.
"Yes, I need fresh air, fresh air is good, it will clear my mind up. . .", Rowena thought, feeling as though she lost her mind.
She found a tree, sitting beneath it. A weeping willow for a weeping woman. Rowena was not one to cry delicately, she sounded as though she were haunted when she cried. She would moan, her words unable to be understood, and she would cry her eyes out constantly. Crying was rare for Rowena. She was a strong woman, but those thoughts of Sirius could make her weak within a second.
Rowena beat the ground, pleading,
"Oh Sirius! Please Sirius! I need you! Why is fate so cruel?"
She cried into the snow, her only source of comfort. She felt so alone. Why was she so foolish? Sirius's love was everything to her. How could he not remember their fight when she saw him in the House of Black? Why was he so kind to her? Why did they joke like they were back at Hogwarts? She deserved to be shot down and hurt. She hurt Sirius. She remembered that she had to break the curse, and saw it no longer as a noble deed. It was to compensate for some of the heartache she caused Sirius. She would spend the rest of her life compensating for the wrong she did him.
Rowena felt a large hand on her shoulder. She looked up, the tears heavy in her eyes, still staining her face.
Dumbledore.
"Why did he have to suffer so much, Albus? Why did I treat him the way I did?"
Albus looked at her gravely, his eyes sympathizing.
"Go to him. I was wrong to keep you at Hogwarts so long without letting you see him. You need to see him. Don't try to break the curse yet, but just visit him. You will be comforted. I will cover your classes, my afternoon is free."
Albus smiled gently. She couldn't smile. Rowena merely nodded.
She ran to the field, feeling like the wind was urging her to go, along with the cold.
She Apparated to the House of Black. Rowena knew Remus wasn't home, somehow she could tell. She walked up the stairs slowly into Sirius's bedroom. He was on the bed, white as snow, shaking as though it were freezing in the room. He called out softly,
"James. . . I'm so sorry Prongs. . . forgive me, James. Please?. . . I'm just Padfoot, old Padfoot, Sirius, your friend. . .I would never. . never hurt you. . .never Lily. . .never Harry. . ."
Rowena started to cry again, watching Sirius plead just like she did a few minutes earlier. She did love Sirius. It was unconditional. She never wanted anything back from him, she just loved him. He deserved to live happily, and it looked like he would die with memories taunting him.
Sirius started to shake violently. Rowena sped to his side, sitting on the bed next to him. She brought him up by his shoulders, and held him, feeling him shake and shiver, his body burning from a fever. He was still muttering little things: "James. . . Lily. . .". Rowena held him so close, to where she could whisper into his ear.
"Sirius? I won't let anything take you away from me again. I'm so sorry. I should've taken care of you. I should've loved you the way you deserved. I should have been good to you. I was afraid. Those who fail are afraid. Mark my words. . .no one can pry you from me, not even the gods. I won't let it happen. Never, never Sirius."
A/N: I tried my hand at depression. Have no idea if it's any good. I decided I'd write one more chapter before I went on vacation. Hope you all like it. I promise to finish the fic.
Disclaimer: Rowena is mine, but JKR has the rest. Lucky.
It was nearing Christmas break and Rowena was ecstatic beyond words. She even bought Snape a Christmas gift, a potions book which he was sure to like, though it was more theoretical than educational. It had been two long months since Remus visited her. Rowena completely forgot about Sirius's curse and how she was supposed to break it, though she religiously drank sleeping potions as Dumbledore asked, perhaps even more than she needed to.
It was time for her 6th year N.E.W.T. class, it was the last class before break, and she had something quite controversial planned. Rowena watched her familiar students walk in, noticing Draco was one of the first.
As the students situated themselves, Rowena started,
"We will be talking about the Cruciatus Curse today. As you must know, this is one of the most painful form of dark magic as well as an Unforgivable curse. It is very dishonorable curse to use, in my opinion, for it is used by Voldemort. But students, such curses are not bad in themselves, they are all about intent. If you use one of them irresponsibly, you have lowered your morals as a wizard.
"I am aware that some of my students will not listen to me, and join some mad wizard with a name that everyone flinches at. Be aware that by doing so you've given away all opportunities as a wizard. Everyone will do their own research on the Cruciatus Curse and write an opinion essay, three feet long at least. This will be your homework over the holidays. The Seventh year N.E.W.T. class get the same assignment. I've noticed that many of you might not try very hard on this essay, but to give you some inspiration, I've decided that the two students that give me the most complete, informative, and strong opinionated essays will both come with me and Professor Snape on a tour of the Museum of Aurors. You will miss a full day of school to do so."
Rowena noticed her students suddenly became bright-eyed and excited. They started murmuring and talking amongst themselves until Rowena cleared her throat.
"I suggest you start reading in your textbooks about dark magic, and then go into deeper research on the Cruciatus Curse. I will not accept an essay late unless there is a good reason. Get started!"
The students started reading eagerly, and Rowena's thoughts drifted once again. . .
*Rowena was sitting in her flat, which she shared with Lily before she married James. Lily had Harry about a year ago, which got Rowena to visit her and James, along with their child. She had met Sirius there, and was quite happy, for she had not seen him since the wedding. Sirius was being awfully reclusive, lately, and it worried Rowena. She remembered her carefree days with Sirius at Hogwarts, knowing that such pastimes were wrenched from her forever. He was so happy at the wedding. . .where had it all gone?
Rowena noticed that it was raining. The sky was a bleak gray, with some slight lightning bolts to break the monotony. Sirius wasn't the only one who was unhappy. She was, too, having a boring job at Gringotts. She had nothing to live for. Except Sirius. And they weren't even in love, romantically involved, none of it. They were friends. Not that it was bad, it was just. . . odd, surreal. She lived for him, breathed for him, her heart would beat for him, and yet she was unwilling to be in love with him. But, ironically, she loved Sirius. She just happened to deny it. She saw him go out with dozens of girls but he always came by her flat to tell her,
"I find myself always comparing them to you. They never are any comparison with you."
Rowena looked out the window, noticing something pull up to the curb. A motorcycle.
Sirius's motorcycle.
Rowena sighed, waiting for Sirius to come up to her door and knock, knowing she would answer, and that they would both be sad together.
Except this day would be wouldn't just be sad. This would be an end.
"Rowena?", Sirius's bittersweet voice called through the door as he knocked, "Are you home?"
Rowena walked slowly to the door, feeling her feet were like lead. She opened the door, finding a soaking wet Sirius, his hazel eyes bleak, his smile broke her heart.
Rowena returned an equally dismal smile.
"Come in, Sirius."
Sirius stepped in, his clothes were dripping onto the carpet, but Rowena didn't care. Lily didn't live with her anymore, why should she care. Rowena silently brought Sirius a towel, for which he gave a mumbled "Thanks.", and they both ultimately sat on the taupe-colored couch. Sirius's black hair was soaking like a dog's fur coat, which did not surprise Rowena, as his animagus form was a dog.
"So, what's new?", Rowena asked after several minutes in silence.
"Nothing. I can't think. Voldemort is after Lily and James, but you already knew that."
They both were silent again. Neither of them knew they would end up like this as adults. The only thing that was the way they imagined was that Sirius was training to become an Auror. Rowena was unsure of what she wanted to do with her life, so she took a decently paying job at Gringotts so she could pay for the flat on her own.
Sirius broke the silence.
"Why aren't we in love, Rowena? Why can't we marry?", his voice was cold and sad.
"We've been through this so many times, Sirius-
"Why?! Why can't we be together?"
"Sirius, I-
Sirius's eyes were piercing Rowena's eyes, burning her soul, ripping her heart into a myriad of pieces.
"Honestly, Rowena! How long do you plan to give me excuses and taunt me?! You know I love you! YOU KNOW IT! And you've got to feel the same way. . . I know you do! You're the only one for me! You were always jealous when I was with other-
"Sirius, please!"
Rowena was burning up inside. But she wasn't angry, she was downcast and Sirius's words made her cringe, and she could feel her eyes burning with warm tears. Indeed she loved him, but couldn't he see? He'd get hurt. Anyone Rowena was close to got hurt. It happened. And Rowena never felt really worthy of Sirius. He could have anyone, he was so handsome, so funny, so intelligent, so good. . . beautifully imperfect. She was nothing. She loved Sirius, but love was never enough. Her mum died on her, even though she loved her. Her father joined Voldemort and was in Azkaban, despite the love of his daughter that he returned so willingly. What was love? It couldn't help. It was a knife to the heart, that was what it was. It was bloody rubbish.
Rowena was now on the floor, her head hanging low, her tears dampening her hair. Sirius was still angry, she knew. No amount of tears could awake Sirius to how much he could hurt her. Rowena looked up to Sirius, whose eyes were still daggers to her.
"You make me so damn bloody miserable, Rowena. . . and yet you make me forget everything else that makes me miserable. What the hell, can't you choose?"
"Sirius. . . I can't. . ."
"WOULD YOU STOP THIS SELF-PITY! STOP IT NOW!"
Rowena kept thinking,
"You love me, Sirius, you don't mean it. Please! Please tell me you don't mean it! NO!"
She felt the rivers of tears running down her cheeks, feeling her heart collapsing over and over again.
Sirius turned around. He was going to leave. Rowena grabbed him by the knees, pressing her face against his leg, begging,
"D-don't do this, S-s-sirius! D-don't be m-mad at me! I don't want you to leave! DON'T LEAVE, PLEASE! O-oh G-god, Sirius. . .you don't want this."
Sirius looked down at her, his eyes cold and mocking.
"Oh, but don't I? Anyone would be glad to be with me, but I've only ever wanted you. And you constantly reject me. Tell me, Rowena, who is it that rivals me? Who is it that YOU want to be with?"
Rowena remained silent, only to realize she was begging Sirius to stay, groveling at his feet. This was not like her. Had this been anyone else, she would yelling at them to leave, and they would leave with two black eyes. She slowly got up.
"The reason all those other girls want to be with you is because of superficial things, Sirius. No one rivals you, Sirius, when it comes to my feelings. Remember when you carried me to the infirmary? Do you remember what I told you a week after? I care about you, Sirius, that's the very reason I won't be with you."
Sirius shook his head, and walked out the door.
"Sirius, NO!"
He refused to listen.
Those were the last words Rowena gave to Sirius, the very words she searched for in Dumbledore's office when she returned from Nepal. Rowena sat down in front of the closed door, crying, knowing Sirius would not want to see her again. He was good for his word. She banged at the door for what seemed an eternity and ultimately fell asleep, dreaming about everything she did with Sirius.
A week later James and Lily were killed, but Harry lived.
A week later Sirius was charged for a crime he didn't commit, a crime that didn't exist, and thrown into Azkaban, left to brood in a cell.
A week later Rowena left for Nepal, crying her eyes out, knowing that maybe, just maybe, if she had let Sirius love her, that Peter wouldn't have been able to frame him. Maybe she could have calmed Sirius down. Maybe they would be married, and have kids, that would someday go to school with Harry, and be his good friends. . . maybe love wasn't so bad. . .
"Take me instead. Give me the Dementor's kiss. I don't care. As long as they let Sirius go. He's suffered enough."*
"Are you alright, Professor Flintwood?", Hermione asked worried, the entire class staring concerned at Rowena.
Rowena looked down, noticing that liquid had stained her robes and her face. Tears. She had been crying in front of her class. Her thoughts were so vivid.
"Excuse me, class. I'll be back in a moment.", Rowena said, sounding drowsy.
She shut the classroom door, running for the lake.
"Yes, I need fresh air, fresh air is good, it will clear my mind up. . .", Rowena thought, feeling as though she lost her mind.
She found a tree, sitting beneath it. A weeping willow for a weeping woman. Rowena was not one to cry delicately, she sounded as though she were haunted when she cried. She would moan, her words unable to be understood, and she would cry her eyes out constantly. Crying was rare for Rowena. She was a strong woman, but those thoughts of Sirius could make her weak within a second.
Rowena beat the ground, pleading,
"Oh Sirius! Please Sirius! I need you! Why is fate so cruel?"
She cried into the snow, her only source of comfort. She felt so alone. Why was she so foolish? Sirius's love was everything to her. How could he not remember their fight when she saw him in the House of Black? Why was he so kind to her? Why did they joke like they were back at Hogwarts? She deserved to be shot down and hurt. She hurt Sirius. She remembered that she had to break the curse, and saw it no longer as a noble deed. It was to compensate for some of the heartache she caused Sirius. She would spend the rest of her life compensating for the wrong she did him.
Rowena felt a large hand on her shoulder. She looked up, the tears heavy in her eyes, still staining her face.
Dumbledore.
"Why did he have to suffer so much, Albus? Why did I treat him the way I did?"
Albus looked at her gravely, his eyes sympathizing.
"Go to him. I was wrong to keep you at Hogwarts so long without letting you see him. You need to see him. Don't try to break the curse yet, but just visit him. You will be comforted. I will cover your classes, my afternoon is free."
Albus smiled gently. She couldn't smile. Rowena merely nodded.
She ran to the field, feeling like the wind was urging her to go, along with the cold.
She Apparated to the House of Black. Rowena knew Remus wasn't home, somehow she could tell. She walked up the stairs slowly into Sirius's bedroom. He was on the bed, white as snow, shaking as though it were freezing in the room. He called out softly,
"James. . . I'm so sorry Prongs. . . forgive me, James. Please?. . . I'm just Padfoot, old Padfoot, Sirius, your friend. . .I would never. . never hurt you. . .never Lily. . .never Harry. . ."
Rowena started to cry again, watching Sirius plead just like she did a few minutes earlier. She did love Sirius. It was unconditional. She never wanted anything back from him, she just loved him. He deserved to live happily, and it looked like he would die with memories taunting him.
Sirius started to shake violently. Rowena sped to his side, sitting on the bed next to him. She brought him up by his shoulders, and held him, feeling him shake and shiver, his body burning from a fever. He was still muttering little things: "James. . . Lily. . .". Rowena held him so close, to where she could whisper into his ear.
"Sirius? I won't let anything take you away from me again. I'm so sorry. I should've taken care of you. I should've loved you the way you deserved. I should have been good to you. I was afraid. Those who fail are afraid. Mark my words. . .no one can pry you from me, not even the gods. I won't let it happen. Never, never Sirius."
A/N: I tried my hand at depression. Have no idea if it's any good. I decided I'd write one more chapter before I went on vacation. Hope you all like it. I promise to finish the fic.