Disclaimer: I do not own "Harry Potter", etc, etc, etc. It all belongs to
J.K Rowling, except for stuff you don't recognize.
Summary: Some wounds may never heal . . .
Note: Most of this chapter will take place in Hermione's first person point of view. I'm sorry if it gets confusing, but I'll tell you that '//' means memory (in this chapter).
**
*
~ Miles To Go Before I Sleep
- Chapter Five: Marauder's Revenge
*
**
- Hermione -
The water is a flood of hot needles blazing down on my bare skin as I stand here, silently, in the shower. The soap is foaming in my hand, the smell of clean atmosphere surrounds me, but I know it must be a lie.
I'm dirty. Oh God, I'm so filthy, why can't I just become clean again? I keep showering, I keeping rubbing, keep cleaning . . . it's still there; the stains are still so clear, oh God, help me!
// You'll miss me when I go, Herm-own-ninny, why don't you admit that you want this? //
No! He's here! I know he's here! His voice is so close, so soft, so dangerous! Get him out of my head; I want him out of me!
It hurts, oh God, that hurts. Stop! Stop doing this, Viktor, please, leave me alone! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
I turn off the shower, trying to calm down, knowing that I'm hyperventilating, knowing that the fresh droplets on my skin are not water, but cold sweat. They'll hear me if I let this get through my voice; they'll hear my screams if I'm not careful, and I know Ron won't hesitate to burst through the door.
Poor Ron, and Harry too. They're so confused and so worried about me; I can see it their eyes, hear it in their voices. I wish I could talk about this, I wish I could bring myself to utter the words and the pain. Maybe then Remus can help me get past this; he's trying so hard to help me. And Sirius . . . oh I wish Sirius was here right now - well, maybe not RIGHT now, but once I get my clothes on . . . or maybe not . . .
That's right, 'Mione, keep thinking about nice things like talking to Remus or playing chess with Harry and Ron or being around Sirius . . . yeah, think about Sirius, it helps.
I'm putting on my tee shirt, finding my jeans . . . they're not the same jeans, thank God, I don't want to remember, I don't want to remember what happened . . . oh, God I'm thinking about it again . . .
// Did you really think you'd escape me so easily? //
Are those my sobs I hear through his voice, torturing me? Get out of my head, yu bastard, I want to be free of you! Where's a knife? Where's my wand? I want to die, I want to escape, I want to know you won't come back for me!
// I'm coming, Herm-own-ninny . . . //
No! Get out, get out, you're not here, you're not coming! Oh God, please don't let him be coming . . . I know he's coming . . . I feel him, pushing, pushing into me . . . stop, save me, kill me, Harry, Ron, Remus, kill me, I want to stop the pain! Sirius! Help me . . . save me . . . Sirius . . . SIRIUS!
I'm burying my face in the pillow and sobbing out loud now. Stop it, Hermione; they'll hear you and they'll only be more upset. Don't you have any consideration for what they must be feeling; stop thinking about yourself!
// Think about me instead . . . //
NOOOOOO!!!!
I want him out of my head! Oh Sirius, Sirius, where are you? Please save me, help me . . . God, please kill me. I just want this to stop! I want him to stop; I want to know he won't be coming back! I want Sirius here . . . oh God . . . it hurts, the blood . . . the pain . . . help me!
Hide, Hermione. Forget about what Remus said and crawl back into the fantasies of your mind again so that you can live your own dreams and forget all about the bastard and what he's done . . . hide again, 'Mione, it's your only hope!
I don't want to hide, but there's nothing else . . . nowhere else . . . I'm sinking back into the dreams . . . slipping away again . . . losing myself . . . losing me . . .
- END Hermione -
***
Sirius knocked sharply on the door, the pounding of the blood in his ears suddenly very silent and his head very clear. There was no one to stop him from doing this, for his friends, for himself, and most of all - for Hermione.
The door opened.
A surly, aquiline face stared back at Sirius, blinking in the dim dusk light. Viktor Krum's brow furrowed and he questioned confusedly: "Black? Sirius Black?"
"I see you know me, Krum," Sirius said coldly, walking past the boy into the small dingy apartment - a strange place for a famous, rich wizard to be staying . . . unless he had things to hide - Sirius tried very hard to control his temper. "Well done."
"Who doesn't know you?" Krum's Bulgarian accent was still present in his voice, but had been diminished noticeably in the past three years spent in England. "You - you were also a friend of Herm-own-ninny's, were you not?"
"Actually," Sirius turned around to face the boy and noticed with some savage pleasure that Krum had done him a favor and already made sure the windows were closed and the blinds were drawn. "Herm-own-ninny, as you so endearingly call her, is what I came here to talk about, Krum. You haven't seen her recently, have you?"
Krum shrugged sullenly. "Not recently." He said, but he kept shooting Sirius oddly furtive, suspicious looks, and Sirius caught a satisfying shred of apprehension.
"You're a liar."
"Pardon?" Krum blinked, feigning innocence.
"Your little signature, Mr. Krum? The broomstick? Did you really believe that, no matter what trauma you put her into, none of us would figure out who the culprit was? I know what you did to her, you bastard, you - " Sirius broke off, his voice shaking with anger. "Do YOU know what you've done to her?" he asked in a deadly whisper that didn't quite conceal his own pain.
Krum shook his head. "You're mad. You're a murderer, hell, of course you're mad. What the fuck did I do to her?"
"Careful, Krum, you're confessing in your own swear words." Sirius spat.
"Are you suggesting I raped Herm-own-ninny?" Krum's eyes widened in a very unconvincing manner.
Sirius clenched his fists. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm telling you, Krum."
"Guess what, Black?" Krum's lips now twitched in a very amused, cruel manner that made Sirius's blood reach an unbearably hot limit. "You hit the nail right on the head, but guess what also? There's nothing you can do about it. She'll always remember me, and always be tainted by me, and no matter what you do, you can't take that pain away from her."
The fact that he was right - that Sirius really couldn't take the stain away from Hermione - only made him angrier, and that was Krum's final mistake. He seemed to have forgotten, in his apparent knowledge of Sirius's habits, that Sirius was perhaps one of the most reckless, violent wizards to grace the country.
And that side of the 'murderer's' personality surfaced.
Sirius pulled out his wand. "I'm not inhuman, Krum," he said quietly, his voice vibrating with intense emotion, "But you - for what you did to her - you deserve the worst forms of torture. CRUCIO!"
Before Krum could react, he began screaming, under the terrible agony and influence of the Cruciatus curse. His body crumpled to the ground, writhing and twisting horribly, and Sirius did nothing but stand there, unable to feel even the slightest regret or pity for the cruel, sadistic young man lying in pain at his feet.
Finally, he broke the curse, and Krum's heavy, hoarse panting filled the room as his screams died down.
"I can only hope," Sirius said, his voice suddenly flat and his eyes burning, "That Remus, Harry and Ron can be satisfied with this much earthly torture, and that James is waiting to deal with you as well."
"James?" Krum croaked, looking up at Sirius with horror. "No - you can't - "
"Avada Kadavra." Sirius whispered, looking away as he pointed his wand at Krum's scrambling form.
A second later, Hermione, without knowing it yet, was free of the demons that threatened to haunt her again.
Viktor Krum was dead.
***
- Hermione -
I can hear their voices outside the room. I just woke up; I don't know why, but something woke me up. I was hoping it was Sirius, but he isn't hear, and I can't hear him outside. But the others are there, talking quietly in the living room.
"Why didn't we tell Ginny or Tonks?" Ron was asking, sounding confused, as usual. "They would have wanted to know, I'm sure, and maybe Hermione would have liked to talk to someone female - "
I cringe. The last thing I want is anyone else to know what happened. Oh God, why did I let it happen? What if he comes back? What if it happens again? Oh God . . .
Listen to them, 'Mione, it'll distract you!
"Why, Ron," Harry teases rather weakly, "That's impressive sensitivity, coming from you."
Remus chuckled, but it was very brief. His voice speaks up again, sober and quiet: "There's no need to involve any more people. I doubt 'Mione would like it, and we can spare Ginny and Tonks the worry."
"Yeah, that's probably best." I can almost see Ron nodding in agreement.
"Do you think - ?"
Harry's question is cut off by the sound of the front door opening and slamming. My heart leaps - it has to be Sirius!
Then I feel a sudden cold wave of fear. Could it be - ?
No! It can't! Padfoot, say something! Let me know it's you.
"Sirius!" it's Remus, sounding both relieved and weary. "Thank God. Are you all right."
I'm almost faint with relief myself. Sinking back onto the bed, I feel safer again, almost like Sirius's presence in the house makes me feel safe. I wish he was here with me; maybe he'll come. I stroke Crookshanks's fur absent-mindedly.
"I'm fine." He bites out, sounding slightly tired as well as oddly relieved.
There's a tense pause. Then Ron and Harry both begin: "Did you - ?" and then they both stop together. Another pause. Harry speaks at last: "Is he - ?"
"He's dead." Sirius says, and my heart thuds against my rib cage. Who are they talking about? "He won't be coming back for her ever again. She can be told that he's gone."
Dear God . . . did he - did Sirius kill Viktor? Is that what he means? Oh my God, is he really gone? He won't be back?
The pain . . . will the pain finally stop?
"I think you should tell her," Remus is saying, and although his voice is low and calm, I can almost sense a slight twinge of satisfaction in it. Revenge, they say, is sweet. And by the tones of Harry and Ron's voices as they agree, I can see that whoever said that was right.
So Sirius is coming in here now?
"Wait."
Sirius's footsteps stop. "What is it, Moony?" he asks quietly.
"What - what happens to you now, Padfoot?"
"Only time will tell, Moony, only time will tell."
Time . . . what a strange concept that is. I know Sirius will probably go to his room first and stare into the mirror for a long time, trying to find himself again, because it isn't everyday you kill a man. I don't know how I know this, but I always felt like Padfoot and I had some kind of connection. So I know it'll be a few minutes before he comes here.
I stare at the carpet, my eyes unseeing. People say time heals all wounds, and I guess if you can't count on time, there's always love to fall back on. And I know that there are people who really love me in this world . . . Harry, Ron, Ginny, Remus . . . Sirius? Does Sirius love me, I wonder? Would a man who didn't love me kill the boy who hurt me so badly?
My God . . . I love him.
But time - will time heal my wounds? Will Sirius heal them? Already I can feel the pain ebbing away from me, but it's still there? Viktor being dead, it's going to be a long time before I can accept that fact, really believe he's not going to return . . . it seems so unreal even now. Like the escape I dreamed of when I wanted to pain to stop.
Maybe this pain will eventually stop, and it won't be time alone to do that. Friendship . . . and love - if I truly can have that love that I so badly need and want now - will do most of the erasing, and the rebuilding of who I was . . . who I am.
Thank you, Sirius. Thank you for giving me my salvation.
Am I asking too much to ask for your love?
Yes, Viktor's now dead, as they've said. But I'm no fool. I know my wounds aren't going to become fallen scabs immediately, and I know I might keep bleeding for a while . . . hurting, remembering. But there is hope. A ray of golden light shining through wolf-like warmth, green eyes, red hair - and Sirius.
But my journey to becoming me again isn't complete. I won't be able to forget the pain or the horror of it all for a long time, and I don't think I can do it alone. Even then, until I do, I won't be able to rest. I have a shattered life to rebuild, and miles to go before I sleep.
** TBC.
**
A/N: I hope this chapter wasn't too confusing. I hope you guys liked it and that you're enjoying the story. Chapter 6 will be up soon. Thanks a lot for all the reviews you guys have given me - they've really helped and thanks to everyone who gave me ideas! Please keep reviewing, and I'll keep writing! Stay tuned.
Summary: Some wounds may never heal . . .
Note: Most of this chapter will take place in Hermione's first person point of view. I'm sorry if it gets confusing, but I'll tell you that '//' means memory (in this chapter).
**
*
~ Miles To Go Before I Sleep
- Chapter Five: Marauder's Revenge
*
**
- Hermione -
The water is a flood of hot needles blazing down on my bare skin as I stand here, silently, in the shower. The soap is foaming in my hand, the smell of clean atmosphere surrounds me, but I know it must be a lie.
I'm dirty. Oh God, I'm so filthy, why can't I just become clean again? I keep showering, I keeping rubbing, keep cleaning . . . it's still there; the stains are still so clear, oh God, help me!
// You'll miss me when I go, Herm-own-ninny, why don't you admit that you want this? //
No! He's here! I know he's here! His voice is so close, so soft, so dangerous! Get him out of my head; I want him out of me!
It hurts, oh God, that hurts. Stop! Stop doing this, Viktor, please, leave me alone! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
I turn off the shower, trying to calm down, knowing that I'm hyperventilating, knowing that the fresh droplets on my skin are not water, but cold sweat. They'll hear me if I let this get through my voice; they'll hear my screams if I'm not careful, and I know Ron won't hesitate to burst through the door.
Poor Ron, and Harry too. They're so confused and so worried about me; I can see it their eyes, hear it in their voices. I wish I could talk about this, I wish I could bring myself to utter the words and the pain. Maybe then Remus can help me get past this; he's trying so hard to help me. And Sirius . . . oh I wish Sirius was here right now - well, maybe not RIGHT now, but once I get my clothes on . . . or maybe not . . .
That's right, 'Mione, keep thinking about nice things like talking to Remus or playing chess with Harry and Ron or being around Sirius . . . yeah, think about Sirius, it helps.
I'm putting on my tee shirt, finding my jeans . . . they're not the same jeans, thank God, I don't want to remember, I don't want to remember what happened . . . oh, God I'm thinking about it again . . .
// Did you really think you'd escape me so easily? //
Are those my sobs I hear through his voice, torturing me? Get out of my head, yu bastard, I want to be free of you! Where's a knife? Where's my wand? I want to die, I want to escape, I want to know you won't come back for me!
// I'm coming, Herm-own-ninny . . . //
No! Get out, get out, you're not here, you're not coming! Oh God, please don't let him be coming . . . I know he's coming . . . I feel him, pushing, pushing into me . . . stop, save me, kill me, Harry, Ron, Remus, kill me, I want to stop the pain! Sirius! Help me . . . save me . . . Sirius . . . SIRIUS!
I'm burying my face in the pillow and sobbing out loud now. Stop it, Hermione; they'll hear you and they'll only be more upset. Don't you have any consideration for what they must be feeling; stop thinking about yourself!
// Think about me instead . . . //
NOOOOOO!!!!
I want him out of my head! Oh Sirius, Sirius, where are you? Please save me, help me . . . God, please kill me. I just want this to stop! I want him to stop; I want to know he won't be coming back! I want Sirius here . . . oh God . . . it hurts, the blood . . . the pain . . . help me!
Hide, Hermione. Forget about what Remus said and crawl back into the fantasies of your mind again so that you can live your own dreams and forget all about the bastard and what he's done . . . hide again, 'Mione, it's your only hope!
I don't want to hide, but there's nothing else . . . nowhere else . . . I'm sinking back into the dreams . . . slipping away again . . . losing myself . . . losing me . . .
- END Hermione -
***
Sirius knocked sharply on the door, the pounding of the blood in his ears suddenly very silent and his head very clear. There was no one to stop him from doing this, for his friends, for himself, and most of all - for Hermione.
The door opened.
A surly, aquiline face stared back at Sirius, blinking in the dim dusk light. Viktor Krum's brow furrowed and he questioned confusedly: "Black? Sirius Black?"
"I see you know me, Krum," Sirius said coldly, walking past the boy into the small dingy apartment - a strange place for a famous, rich wizard to be staying . . . unless he had things to hide - Sirius tried very hard to control his temper. "Well done."
"Who doesn't know you?" Krum's Bulgarian accent was still present in his voice, but had been diminished noticeably in the past three years spent in England. "You - you were also a friend of Herm-own-ninny's, were you not?"
"Actually," Sirius turned around to face the boy and noticed with some savage pleasure that Krum had done him a favor and already made sure the windows were closed and the blinds were drawn. "Herm-own-ninny, as you so endearingly call her, is what I came here to talk about, Krum. You haven't seen her recently, have you?"
Krum shrugged sullenly. "Not recently." He said, but he kept shooting Sirius oddly furtive, suspicious looks, and Sirius caught a satisfying shred of apprehension.
"You're a liar."
"Pardon?" Krum blinked, feigning innocence.
"Your little signature, Mr. Krum? The broomstick? Did you really believe that, no matter what trauma you put her into, none of us would figure out who the culprit was? I know what you did to her, you bastard, you - " Sirius broke off, his voice shaking with anger. "Do YOU know what you've done to her?" he asked in a deadly whisper that didn't quite conceal his own pain.
Krum shook his head. "You're mad. You're a murderer, hell, of course you're mad. What the fuck did I do to her?"
"Careful, Krum, you're confessing in your own swear words." Sirius spat.
"Are you suggesting I raped Herm-own-ninny?" Krum's eyes widened in a very unconvincing manner.
Sirius clenched his fists. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm telling you, Krum."
"Guess what, Black?" Krum's lips now twitched in a very amused, cruel manner that made Sirius's blood reach an unbearably hot limit. "You hit the nail right on the head, but guess what also? There's nothing you can do about it. She'll always remember me, and always be tainted by me, and no matter what you do, you can't take that pain away from her."
The fact that he was right - that Sirius really couldn't take the stain away from Hermione - only made him angrier, and that was Krum's final mistake. He seemed to have forgotten, in his apparent knowledge of Sirius's habits, that Sirius was perhaps one of the most reckless, violent wizards to grace the country.
And that side of the 'murderer's' personality surfaced.
Sirius pulled out his wand. "I'm not inhuman, Krum," he said quietly, his voice vibrating with intense emotion, "But you - for what you did to her - you deserve the worst forms of torture. CRUCIO!"
Before Krum could react, he began screaming, under the terrible agony and influence of the Cruciatus curse. His body crumpled to the ground, writhing and twisting horribly, and Sirius did nothing but stand there, unable to feel even the slightest regret or pity for the cruel, sadistic young man lying in pain at his feet.
Finally, he broke the curse, and Krum's heavy, hoarse panting filled the room as his screams died down.
"I can only hope," Sirius said, his voice suddenly flat and his eyes burning, "That Remus, Harry and Ron can be satisfied with this much earthly torture, and that James is waiting to deal with you as well."
"James?" Krum croaked, looking up at Sirius with horror. "No - you can't - "
"Avada Kadavra." Sirius whispered, looking away as he pointed his wand at Krum's scrambling form.
A second later, Hermione, without knowing it yet, was free of the demons that threatened to haunt her again.
Viktor Krum was dead.
***
- Hermione -
I can hear their voices outside the room. I just woke up; I don't know why, but something woke me up. I was hoping it was Sirius, but he isn't hear, and I can't hear him outside. But the others are there, talking quietly in the living room.
"Why didn't we tell Ginny or Tonks?" Ron was asking, sounding confused, as usual. "They would have wanted to know, I'm sure, and maybe Hermione would have liked to talk to someone female - "
I cringe. The last thing I want is anyone else to know what happened. Oh God, why did I let it happen? What if he comes back? What if it happens again? Oh God . . .
Listen to them, 'Mione, it'll distract you!
"Why, Ron," Harry teases rather weakly, "That's impressive sensitivity, coming from you."
Remus chuckled, but it was very brief. His voice speaks up again, sober and quiet: "There's no need to involve any more people. I doubt 'Mione would like it, and we can spare Ginny and Tonks the worry."
"Yeah, that's probably best." I can almost see Ron nodding in agreement.
"Do you think - ?"
Harry's question is cut off by the sound of the front door opening and slamming. My heart leaps - it has to be Sirius!
Then I feel a sudden cold wave of fear. Could it be - ?
No! It can't! Padfoot, say something! Let me know it's you.
"Sirius!" it's Remus, sounding both relieved and weary. "Thank God. Are you all right."
I'm almost faint with relief myself. Sinking back onto the bed, I feel safer again, almost like Sirius's presence in the house makes me feel safe. I wish he was here with me; maybe he'll come. I stroke Crookshanks's fur absent-mindedly.
"I'm fine." He bites out, sounding slightly tired as well as oddly relieved.
There's a tense pause. Then Ron and Harry both begin: "Did you - ?" and then they both stop together. Another pause. Harry speaks at last: "Is he - ?"
"He's dead." Sirius says, and my heart thuds against my rib cage. Who are they talking about? "He won't be coming back for her ever again. She can be told that he's gone."
Dear God . . . did he - did Sirius kill Viktor? Is that what he means? Oh my God, is he really gone? He won't be back?
The pain . . . will the pain finally stop?
"I think you should tell her," Remus is saying, and although his voice is low and calm, I can almost sense a slight twinge of satisfaction in it. Revenge, they say, is sweet. And by the tones of Harry and Ron's voices as they agree, I can see that whoever said that was right.
So Sirius is coming in here now?
"Wait."
Sirius's footsteps stop. "What is it, Moony?" he asks quietly.
"What - what happens to you now, Padfoot?"
"Only time will tell, Moony, only time will tell."
Time . . . what a strange concept that is. I know Sirius will probably go to his room first and stare into the mirror for a long time, trying to find himself again, because it isn't everyday you kill a man. I don't know how I know this, but I always felt like Padfoot and I had some kind of connection. So I know it'll be a few minutes before he comes here.
I stare at the carpet, my eyes unseeing. People say time heals all wounds, and I guess if you can't count on time, there's always love to fall back on. And I know that there are people who really love me in this world . . . Harry, Ron, Ginny, Remus . . . Sirius? Does Sirius love me, I wonder? Would a man who didn't love me kill the boy who hurt me so badly?
My God . . . I love him.
But time - will time heal my wounds? Will Sirius heal them? Already I can feel the pain ebbing away from me, but it's still there? Viktor being dead, it's going to be a long time before I can accept that fact, really believe he's not going to return . . . it seems so unreal even now. Like the escape I dreamed of when I wanted to pain to stop.
Maybe this pain will eventually stop, and it won't be time alone to do that. Friendship . . . and love - if I truly can have that love that I so badly need and want now - will do most of the erasing, and the rebuilding of who I was . . . who I am.
Thank you, Sirius. Thank you for giving me my salvation.
Am I asking too much to ask for your love?
Yes, Viktor's now dead, as they've said. But I'm no fool. I know my wounds aren't going to become fallen scabs immediately, and I know I might keep bleeding for a while . . . hurting, remembering. But there is hope. A ray of golden light shining through wolf-like warmth, green eyes, red hair - and Sirius.
But my journey to becoming me again isn't complete. I won't be able to forget the pain or the horror of it all for a long time, and I don't think I can do it alone. Even then, until I do, I won't be able to rest. I have a shattered life to rebuild, and miles to go before I sleep.
** TBC.
**
A/N: I hope this chapter wasn't too confusing. I hope you guys liked it and that you're enjoying the story. Chapter 6 will be up soon. Thanks a lot for all the reviews you guys have given me - they've really helped and thanks to everyone who gave me ideas! Please keep reviewing, and I'll keep writing! Stay tuned.