Nosgoth Gets F***ed Up
Chapter 2: Time Streaming in Search of Butter
And so Kain headed to the Chronoplast to travel back in time and get some butter or even, as a last resort.......I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
In the depths of Moebius' time-streaming apparatus, Kain discovers a series of portals displaying scenes of past and apparently future events. As he descends, passing these various scenes, he reflects on the images confronting him. The images in the portals imply that the events he's experienced - and those still to come - have all been predestined. Kain spoke as he passed the portals, "My entrapment in this miserable armor...what trickery is this? These apparitions torment me... has this all been foretold? My mind reels with conflict... does butter await me moments from now, or in some century yet to come?"
In the last of the portals, Kain sees himself, unarmored and covered in butter. Kain exclaimed in surprise and disbelief, "Is this phantasm a conjuration of my mind, or an echo of future events?" Kain strode forward into the chamber ahead and activated the Chronoplast, and traveled back in time, arriving 200 years before Janos Audron's death at the hands of the Sarafan. Shockingly enough, no sooner than he walked into the open, Kain heard a familiar voice say, "Kain!" Kain turns, and, looking up, sees none other than Janos Audron, sitting on the roof of a nearby building, eating a popsicle. "Janos Audron!? How the hell do you know me!?" Janos shrugs, licks his popsicle, and remarks, "Your name is written on so many of the men's bathroom stalls, it was burned into my memory. But the important question is, how do you know me and why do you interrupt my popsicle eating?"
"I am searching for butter," Kain replies. "And you are quite possibly the most famous vampire in history." He added quite smugly, "Aside from myself, of course."
"Butter?" Janos peers at Kain, and licks his popsicle. "You have got to be joking."
"But I want butter!"
"Sorry, no butter here... Ask Vorador, he's probably got some baby oil..." "That I will!" Kain answers and teleports to Vorador's mansion. But as he reaches the mansion he sees a huge sign saying "GO AWAY! The man-whore/pimp known as Vorador isn't in right now." Nevertheless, Kain walked up to the front door and knocked, saying, "YO!!!! Vorador!!!! WHUUUUUZUUUUUP!!!???!!! Open up or I'll march a whole cow herd into your back yard and steal your laundry!"
There is no response. Kain pounds on the door again, shouting "Open up or I'll egg your mansion to hell and back!!!" getting no further response, Kain puts on a short skirt and speaks in a higher, more feminine voice, "I'm a sexy nurse and I'm really lost in this big forest, plus I'm trapped in a veeery tight armor and I really need a strong green man to help me." Vorador, thinking himself sneaky, leans fully out of his second story window and blanches in pure disgust at the horrible presence of Kain in a mini-skirt. "You're no nurse!! You look just like an albino man in a school girl armor uniform!" Vorador stops to think on this for a second while still gazing at Kain. ".and you're kind of cute too, I guess!"
Kain threw off the miniskirt and leapt up to Vorador's window and crawled inside, saying "Ha! I knew you were in here! Now, hand over all your butter!" Vorador, facing the terrible Kain in tights (well, armor tights, but still...) immediately backs down and says, "Ok, ok, I will give you all my butter!" Both of them headed towards Vorador's secret butter chamber. On the way Vorador asks Kain, "Who clued you in on my secret storage of special butter?"
"A really big 'bird' told me!" Kain said, with a grin. Vorador mumbles to himself about the peculiar tendency of his maker to just spill the beans to anyone asking even the most heinous questions (like questions concerning butter and special storages...) Kain can't hear him well and thinks that he may be mumbling something about how many whores he has. Just to double- check, you know? Kain leaned over, tapped Vorry on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, bat-eared pimp-boy, are we gonna get to the butter without you mumbling all the way or not?"
After going down long dark stairs, gloomy dripping corridors, endless turns and twists that even the labyrinth would be jealous of, they finally came to the butter chamber!!!
Vorador pulled a box from a hidden pocket and a key from another even better hidden pocket. Inside the box was a little slip of very old paper and on it were written 300 secret runes that are required to open the lock on the butter safe...
2 hours later: "Damn you, Vorador!! This act of misspelling in unco-... wait a minute, that's not MY line... you are twisting reality with these runes. I can bear it no longer!"
Kain pulls his trusted twin axes and, spinning around the room, smashes the butter box to shreds! Vorador managed to escape a premature decapitation by a swift implement of the special martial art maneuver called "reflex of the duck" and yells at Kain who goes to the smashed box in one great stride. Inside the box he finds... really old milk. "Damnit, Vorador, this isn't the same as butter!" shouts Kain as old slimy gooey milk was spilled everywhere!
Vorador somehow managed to avoid most of the spray but Kain got drenched (and annoyed more than ever). Vorador calmly told Kain that the way to open the box was magical as well as just using the key, so the freeze time spell inside the box was disrupted and 5000 years of suspended time had just rushed in on the poor butter.
Kain yelled at Vorador, "Why, oh , why would you keep a 5000 year old stick butter in your basement or wherever we are???" Vorador then started a long nostalgic story of when he was just a human working on his parents' farm...
Kain took the opportunity to begin a voice-over, effectively drowning Vorador out. "As Vorador spoke about his past the fool drove me almost insane- all he could talk about was how he loved the animals on his farm and how he loved playing with them each day as a child. I could see tears falling from Vorador's eyes." Seemingly disturbed by what is happening Kain got up from his seat and went over to Vorador, saying, "Vorador, what's wrong with you? What trickery is this?" "No trickery, can't you see I'm clearly upset by my ramblings of my childhood?"
"Yes, but....."
"But what?"
"Well, I think I can help."
"How???"
"Well, you see I'm from the (said in the style of Dr. Evil) 'future' and I came to search for butter to get myself out of this armor..
"So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that if you wish to go back in time I can make it possible. what do you say?"
"Of course! Let me get some belongings."
Vorador headed to the master bedroom. In there, he sees one of his favorite wives, who asks, "Where are you going, Vorador, sweety?"
"Well, I'm leaving for a while... I'm. I'm... I'm going back in time?"
His wife rolled on the floor, cracking up hysterically, and said, "What?"
"Back in time, whelp!"
Kain shouted at him from the hall, "Vorador we must be going."
"Right."
And so Kain and Vorador left the mansion, in search of a nearby time- streaming chamber.
Chapter 2: Time Streaming in Search of Butter
And so Kain headed to the Chronoplast to travel back in time and get some butter or even, as a last resort.......I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
In the depths of Moebius' time-streaming apparatus, Kain discovers a series of portals displaying scenes of past and apparently future events. As he descends, passing these various scenes, he reflects on the images confronting him. The images in the portals imply that the events he's experienced - and those still to come - have all been predestined. Kain spoke as he passed the portals, "My entrapment in this miserable armor...what trickery is this? These apparitions torment me... has this all been foretold? My mind reels with conflict... does butter await me moments from now, or in some century yet to come?"
In the last of the portals, Kain sees himself, unarmored and covered in butter. Kain exclaimed in surprise and disbelief, "Is this phantasm a conjuration of my mind, or an echo of future events?" Kain strode forward into the chamber ahead and activated the Chronoplast, and traveled back in time, arriving 200 years before Janos Audron's death at the hands of the Sarafan. Shockingly enough, no sooner than he walked into the open, Kain heard a familiar voice say, "Kain!" Kain turns, and, looking up, sees none other than Janos Audron, sitting on the roof of a nearby building, eating a popsicle. "Janos Audron!? How the hell do you know me!?" Janos shrugs, licks his popsicle, and remarks, "Your name is written on so many of the men's bathroom stalls, it was burned into my memory. But the important question is, how do you know me and why do you interrupt my popsicle eating?"
"I am searching for butter," Kain replies. "And you are quite possibly the most famous vampire in history." He added quite smugly, "Aside from myself, of course."
"Butter?" Janos peers at Kain, and licks his popsicle. "You have got to be joking."
"But I want butter!"
"Sorry, no butter here... Ask Vorador, he's probably got some baby oil..." "That I will!" Kain answers and teleports to Vorador's mansion. But as he reaches the mansion he sees a huge sign saying "GO AWAY! The man-whore/pimp known as Vorador isn't in right now." Nevertheless, Kain walked up to the front door and knocked, saying, "YO!!!! Vorador!!!! WHUUUUUZUUUUUP!!!???!!! Open up or I'll march a whole cow herd into your back yard and steal your laundry!"
There is no response. Kain pounds on the door again, shouting "Open up or I'll egg your mansion to hell and back!!!" getting no further response, Kain puts on a short skirt and speaks in a higher, more feminine voice, "I'm a sexy nurse and I'm really lost in this big forest, plus I'm trapped in a veeery tight armor and I really need a strong green man to help me." Vorador, thinking himself sneaky, leans fully out of his second story window and blanches in pure disgust at the horrible presence of Kain in a mini-skirt. "You're no nurse!! You look just like an albino man in a school girl armor uniform!" Vorador stops to think on this for a second while still gazing at Kain. ".and you're kind of cute too, I guess!"
Kain threw off the miniskirt and leapt up to Vorador's window and crawled inside, saying "Ha! I knew you were in here! Now, hand over all your butter!" Vorador, facing the terrible Kain in tights (well, armor tights, but still...) immediately backs down and says, "Ok, ok, I will give you all my butter!" Both of them headed towards Vorador's secret butter chamber. On the way Vorador asks Kain, "Who clued you in on my secret storage of special butter?"
"A really big 'bird' told me!" Kain said, with a grin. Vorador mumbles to himself about the peculiar tendency of his maker to just spill the beans to anyone asking even the most heinous questions (like questions concerning butter and special storages...) Kain can't hear him well and thinks that he may be mumbling something about how many whores he has. Just to double- check, you know? Kain leaned over, tapped Vorry on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, bat-eared pimp-boy, are we gonna get to the butter without you mumbling all the way or not?"
After going down long dark stairs, gloomy dripping corridors, endless turns and twists that even the labyrinth would be jealous of, they finally came to the butter chamber!!!
Vorador pulled a box from a hidden pocket and a key from another even better hidden pocket. Inside the box was a little slip of very old paper and on it were written 300 secret runes that are required to open the lock on the butter safe...
2 hours later: "Damn you, Vorador!! This act of misspelling in unco-... wait a minute, that's not MY line... you are twisting reality with these runes. I can bear it no longer!"
Kain pulls his trusted twin axes and, spinning around the room, smashes the butter box to shreds! Vorador managed to escape a premature decapitation by a swift implement of the special martial art maneuver called "reflex of the duck" and yells at Kain who goes to the smashed box in one great stride. Inside the box he finds... really old milk. "Damnit, Vorador, this isn't the same as butter!" shouts Kain as old slimy gooey milk was spilled everywhere!
Vorador somehow managed to avoid most of the spray but Kain got drenched (and annoyed more than ever). Vorador calmly told Kain that the way to open the box was magical as well as just using the key, so the freeze time spell inside the box was disrupted and 5000 years of suspended time had just rushed in on the poor butter.
Kain yelled at Vorador, "Why, oh , why would you keep a 5000 year old stick butter in your basement or wherever we are???" Vorador then started a long nostalgic story of when he was just a human working on his parents' farm...
Kain took the opportunity to begin a voice-over, effectively drowning Vorador out. "As Vorador spoke about his past the fool drove me almost insane- all he could talk about was how he loved the animals on his farm and how he loved playing with them each day as a child. I could see tears falling from Vorador's eyes." Seemingly disturbed by what is happening Kain got up from his seat and went over to Vorador, saying, "Vorador, what's wrong with you? What trickery is this?" "No trickery, can't you see I'm clearly upset by my ramblings of my childhood?"
"Yes, but....."
"But what?"
"Well, I think I can help."
"How???"
"Well, you see I'm from the (said in the style of Dr. Evil) 'future' and I came to search for butter to get myself out of this armor..
"So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that if you wish to go back in time I can make it possible. what do you say?"
"Of course! Let me get some belongings."
Vorador headed to the master bedroom. In there, he sees one of his favorite wives, who asks, "Where are you going, Vorador, sweety?"
"Well, I'm leaving for a while... I'm. I'm... I'm going back in time?"
His wife rolled on the floor, cracking up hysterically, and said, "What?"
"Back in time, whelp!"
Kain shouted at him from the hall, "Vorador we must be going."
"Right."
And so Kain and Vorador left the mansion, in search of a nearby time- streaming chamber.