Notes: A thought I had in the middle of the night. So don't hold me accountable if you don't like it. Dedication: This is a dedication to one of my best friends Sara-chan. She was asking for this so I decided to go on and give it.
Disclaimer: The characters of Gundam Wing do not belong to me. Period. Don't sue. It's unnecessary.
Elapsed Time
Let's face it, this war loves Heero. It requires every asset of his being and all that he is capable of. His strength, his time, his thoughts, his actions. his life. And I'm bitter. So damn bitter about it.
Another person I could compete with. Men and women alike. I am purely and utterly confident that I would come out on top. Why? Well, simply because I know that the attraction is there. However miniscule it may seem right now, it is there. If what I was up against was the mere human flesh, the very mortality of someone mirroring myself and my feelings toward Heero... it'd be so easy. I'd be entitled to rip their beating heart from their chest and stomp on it screaming about how they could never ever have him. Not so long as I was around. Because, you see, the thing is, I'm in love with Heero Yuy. And well, shouldn't my love count for something?
It should now shouldn't it? It's like stating the obvious. It's like the miracle of birth. The miracle of death. However, for some reason lost to me, it doesn't count. No. No. I take that back I do know why. And it's pitiful. Not even now can I conjure an image of us embraced under of a canopy of burning stars anywhere in the near future. Oh but I want to. I've squeezed my eyes shut and thought and thought. I've tried to let my imagination take me to the place that I really want to be, but reality wouldn't let it. Even though I near know every crease that crosses Heero's face, his mannerisms and his body language. And him. I know him. But I can't have him. Not even in my head.
You see, the war has indeed taken Heero from me. What other reason could smite me in such a way that Heero and I couldn't be living like we should have been all along? War. This chaotic foundation that once creeps upon the unsuspecting earth, takes everything precious that one is foolish enough to hold close to their heart. This enigmatic source that holds every molecule embedded in Heero, clutches to his stiff form at night, haunts his dreams and his mornings all the same.
I couldn't fathom what it would be like to have his gaze shift from his computer to me. For him to focus on my eyes like he does on that screen. For his face to soften into something calm. For him to realize that I was more important than his beloved war. That I could be the center of his world.
I fear this war. I hate this war. I can't control it, manipulate it, or out right trick it into realizing that Heero and I would be so good together. That us being together was all for the better. That I, Duo Maxwell, could beat this war.
So there I stood, naked and cold from having pondered my thoughts for far too long. I ran the back of my hand across my cheek. I need Heero. I need him like the war needs him. I need him more than that. I need... a towel.
"Heero!? Can you get me a towel?"
I think I stood there for five minutes, carving a new shape into my teeth with all my chattering. I half thought he didn't hear me, though the stronger part of me said he heard but opted to disregard it. I pressed my ear to the door. Nothing.
What was that? You're wondering why I just didn't just skip out to get myself a towel? Why I didn't just shake the water off of me while bended on all fours, letting Heero bounce quarters off my firm little ass? Fine, I admit it; I didn't want Heero to see me naked. Yes. I understand that our profession sometimes doesn't give us the option either way, but when it's my choice I choose not to. Especially with all the serious feelings that have been going through my head since a year or so back. I rather not be so careless and taunting. That'll just get me more odd looks from Heero that I would think too much about and take entirely in the wrong way.
I creaked the door open, one damp foot wedged between the door when I felt a firm shove from the other side and almost lost my balance.
"Shit!"
"Open the door."
"No, it's okay," I said as I closed the door so only half of my face could be seen through the crack.
Okay, maybe I was a little dramatic in my urge to not be seen naked, but I couldn't help it. I was constantly anxious and angry and worried. All and all - all that my pea-sized brain could carry was a jumbled mess. Split pea soup if you will.
Heero shoved at the door again. "Duo."
I pushed back and used the toilet seat's edge for leverage. Who was I trying to kid? When it came to brute strength I had the muscles of a ninny compared to Heero.
"Just, can I have the towel please?" I said, a sort of frantic tinge catching in my throat and in my eye, making it water.
Maybe it looked like I would start to cry or maybe he just found it not worth dealing with. The dark blue eye that I could see twitched and he slid the towel through the small opening between us.
"Thanks," I said as I closed the door in his face.
It was a good twenty minutes later when I emerged from the bathroom and he was once again on the computer. Typing nonsense, I suppose. I've become used to the dull taps against the keys. Having the bed right next to the desk, that Heero was presumably on 24 hours of the day, only seemed to heighten my senses when I'd try to sleep so near. There were things, like his occasional rustle to get more comfortable or infrequent grunt when he had to backspace for a misspelled word. I found myself waiting for it, just because I knew I was the only one to hear it.
I'd feel my heart jump every 'spacebar' he'd hit with a little more force than usual. Like a damned hammer I tell you. I felt quite idiotic when I became conscious of the fact that I was accepting Heero on that machine. Using the little sounds as distraction, as the war pulled a quick one on me and slid Heero right out from under my nose. I came to the conclusion that every time he'd hit the keys with that much more force, I knew, each time, that the war had the upper-hand.
I closed my eyes.
I opened my eyes... and nearly came out of my very own skin.
"What're you doing?" I yawned into the back of my hand.
He was looking at me. Just staring. His eyes on my face. For how long? He had the oddest gleam in them when I stared back. I mean, there he was, butt making a nice little imprint on my sheets. I guess I was supposed to live out my fantasy? But I told you before I couldn't think of a situation like this happening between Heero and I. I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to do. So like an imbecile I just stared back.
"Are you challenging me?" Heero said, voice ringing deep and defensive.
I laughed. "I was sleeping Heero."
"Yes, but..."
"But what?" I said as I sat up.
I stared harder. When I made further movement to get comfortable, his face got tight and his body taut. The entire time I felt like I was taming a wild animal, when in fact Heero was on my bed, in my face. I think confused would've been the word to determine the look that marred my features. When I grabbed the pillow behind me and hugged it to my chest only to scoot closer to Heero, his eyes flickered. To anyone else, not that they'd have the privilege of seeing, would have probably seen uncertainty. But in that look I saw him give me, I saw hope. Full-blown-praise-the-lord-walkin'-on- water-hope. But then again, maybe I was just reaching.
I got closer still. I was in, what most people call personal space. The space so presumably close that each other's auras mix and clash and either accepts one another or doesn't. I sighed. It looked like our auras for the moment were meshing just dandily.
I had to word what I said carefully, "So what were you doing?"
He closed his eyes.
"Come on Heero. Don't I have some right to know since you were watching me sleep and not the other way around?"
His intense prussian eyes opened. "Well, first off, you were snoring," he said, as he moved the pillow from between us that was jabbing him in the stomach.
I blanched and shrugged, "Well I wanted to know."
I made a move to rotate and bury my head under the pillows. What was I thinking, that because when I woke up and saw Heero's eyes on me that there could've been a semblance of something there. I had to remember my place. Who really had my teammate.
I waved Heero off.
"I'm not done."
I turned back around.
"Well, I was calculating how long it would take for you to maybe turn over and stop yourself. But after about ten minutes it still didn't happen. So I tried to be the co-dependant and I held your nose shut. I thought for sure you'd wake up."
I felt myself scaling the pink to red spectrum.
He looked at me, eyes lighter than before, more trusting, "...but you just shook your head for a little and when your face started to lose color, I decided to let go."
I eyed him carefully, "And?"
He eyed me back. "You grabbed onto my hand and put it between your legs."
All the tiny hairs that strayed from my braid suddenly all came sticking out on end.
"I did WHAT?!?"
I buried my face back in my pillows.
Two days later. I had tried my best to avoid Heero since I decided my crotch was attracted to his hand. Pillows usually go there or my big Kumagoro plushie. Don't look at me like that! I know I'm not the only one who puts things between their legs.
What's the big deal with me snoring anyways? I have a small esophagus. Too much smoke from attempting to have food on the table every night... I needed to drown out the thoughts of silly ol' Heero swimming around in my brain. What's it to him? He didn't even look like he was ready for bed. Ew. In fact, Heero was due for a much needed shower as I recall. Yeah, even Heero gets sweaty just typing or... was he doing something else? Ack! Dirty thoughts.
I remember feeling like I had a bad case of deja-vu. I had gotten into the shower after a long, productive, yet routine day. The same thoughts as nights before flittered through my head. I analyzed ten different ways how I had Heero that day and then how the war took those moments away from me. I remember forgetting my towel again. Maybe I subconsciously left it draped, messily over the back of Heero's computer chair.
"Heero? Um. Towel please?" I yelled loudly.
"Damn it Duo!"
I shrank away and braced myself for some brilliant contraption Heero invented with my towel to pummel it into my ears, so as to shock my memory into taking its job seriously.
I remember getting comfortable in bed, making a little techno beat in my mind to Heero's efficient typing. Changing to a different song in the rare cases when Heero screwed up. Silly I know, but it had me sleeping like a baby within an hour.
It started off as a mere itch, one that I definitely wanted to scratch. It felt like a tingling sensation in the middle of my back that neither hand could really reach. It felt like someone's hands were running down then length of my body. Nails every once in a while running across, coming into play, grazing lightly along the slight dips in their way. That itch soon turned into nothing more than a dull ache after that. Hands fanned out from my stomach toward my neck, hitting my nipple and gliding across my arms turning into a deft massage.
I felt myself wiggling around trying to rub against something as if to fall easily back into a dreamless state. I tossed and turned, trying to get away or get closer, rolling on to my stomach. I woke up a little more then, feeling the hard-on I gradually had rubbed against the sheets. I experienced the urge to grind against the bed, but my body felt hotter than usual and I turned back over. Waking myself up fully for a moment, I snorted. I thought I saw Heero next to me, but all I heard was the soft click of the door.
Weeks went by and it seemed like I was constantly being paired with Heero for missions. Not that I was complaining, but it was torture to see him lean in the war's direction. War liked to tease me. Liked to see me get breathy and nervous to the point of full on sweating my woes. Heero and I sat working on our respective assignments for the latest and most populated school. St. Gabriel's private school. It was the type of school I've managed to come across more than to my liking. Everyone had something to say. Something that was entirely untrue and farfetched. It made me want to break out and drop kick every mouthy student at the damn place. But Heero wouldn't like that. In fact he'd hate it, but of course he was always the one to initialize unneeded violence and unwanted attention.
It was the beginning of the day, we were well into our second week at the school and it seemed we were all the rage. Whispers from the left said we were the newest edition and the richest faggots to walk the halls of St. Gabriel. Giggles to the right claimed us to be the hottest couple fucking in the bathrooms during classes. Even though they knew I was into guys and I liked the idea, I knew full well to keep my pace steady and get to where I needed to be. I should've known Heero had heard it. Knowing him, probably before it was even actually said.
As soon as I realized he wasn't walking in stride with me, I turned quickly hearing the girls standing next to their jock boyfriends squeal out in fear as Heero pinned one boy against the lockers. I walked over slowly, as to not provoke him and knew he was dead serious when the jock's feet were level with Heero's knees.
"Why the hell are you talking about Duo?"
I know I looked shocked when I heard that. I think I almost tinkled on myself.
"Answer me!" Heero said slamming the frazzled kid's head against the locker behind him.
"Yo Heero. Take it easy man. People talk. It probably wasn't bad anyway. Was it?" I said, looking at the green-haired jock with a hint of compassion.
I looked to Heero. His jaw was clenching and unclenching and his eyes were tight at the corners. I stared back at the bulky kid and raised my eyebrows, trying to tell him to say something.
The girl standing next to him tugged on his sleeve a little as people started to gather around like the pack of rats they were. "I... I... was just telling Yokine that I thought it was cool how much... passion... how passionate you and... Duo are about each other. Bu...but what the hell would I know huh?"
I put my hand on Heero's shoulder and his eyes flickered to mine. Never would the day come where I thought I'd have to use the war as an ally. Never.
"Yeah, what would they know." I said, nudging Heero's cheek with my own. I was testing my luck, I knew it. I was just drawing something out of it that was really meaningless, making myself more miserable. The bell rang and Heero squeezed the boy's neck tight once more before dropping him and pulling me in the opposite direction of our class.
"Heero? What about cla...?"
"We aren't going," he replied, cutting me off.
I couldn't help but put the events just moments ago on rapid replay. It made me smile wider than ever to see him endanger the mission for my sake. I walked close by, covering my grin with my braid.
"What's so passionate between you and I?" Heero queried.
I bent over to tie my boots, my eyes squinting a little at the question.
"What do you think is passionate between us?"
I stood up, fixing my braid in the long mirror behind the door. Not going to my classes was less fun than I thought it would be. Two periods had passed and I was ready to kill myself from boredom. But then suddenly, things had started to catch my interest.
"Well Heero, maybe it was the fact that you stood up for me."
"Was it? I thought the passionate they meant - meant that we were together."
"Is that what you heard?" I turned around, my hands buried in my hair.
Heero nodded slowly.
"Does that bother you? That you and I could be kissing under the willow tree?" I said, letting the sarcasm roughly drip from my lips.
"Why would that bother me? People are already making comments about us."
I walked closer, full on strategizing to coerce him into taking me and throwing me against the bed. A very productive way of spending our ditched school day if I do say so myself. As my luck would have it, it took all of one second and one step by me for Heero's computer to beep that annoying sound signifying that Heero indeed had new mission orders. All that attention that was placed solely upon me was no longer. In all of a split second, the war had Heero yet again. I was so livid, I didn't see whether Heero saw me walk out quickly in a fury. He probably didn't.
The rock dashed against the asphalt feeling the brunt of my anger. No, my disappointment. My sheer stupidity. What was I thinking? What the hell was I assuming? Every time I got confident, war put me right back in my place and I'm tired of it. I think that this is it. The grand finale of my unbearable yearning for him. No, I'm not going to kill myself. That'd be too easy and not to mention cowardly. I definitely may be one, but not the other.
I kicked the rock again and of course it detoured hitting the spokes of a passing biker. The dirty look she gave me made me sort of chuckle. I wish the bitch would have eaten shit. Heero, Heero, Heero. He's a damn waste of time.
I kicked the now pebble good one last time watching it pass into a deep hole in the dirt's floor. I shook my head. It was too much to bear. Too much unneeded stress and distraction. However much it killed me to never look at him in such an adoring way again, I was saddened but determined to do so... unless he decided to confess his love for me.
"Unless he decides to confess his love. Duo you are more than just a sap, you are unbelievably pitiful," I said to myself, beginning to trek my tired ass back to the room.
From now on, it's time to cold turkey this lose-lose situation and attempt to make the most of the short time I presumably have left. Ah, looks like a cold night.
When I got back, I saw Heero sitting cross-legged on the floor watching the learner vid-screen. The learner, holy hell as I liked to call it, was a small screen that taught you what you lacked in knowledge. All you had to do was say what you wanted to know. 'Show me spontaneous combustion, show me chupacabra', anything and it'd flash all the pictures and all the newspaper clippings from as far back as the 21st century. Now why Heero would have needed it, I don't have the slightest inkling. He's the almighty know-all must share-all.
He saw me come in and walked back to his computer. I don't care. I went to take a leak and then made my way to bed. I took of my shirt and shimmied under the covers. The clanking of the keys lulling me to sleep once again.
It must've been two or so in the morning when I woke up. I felt fingers playing over my torso. I knew they weren't mine because they were placed on either side of my head, planted firmly under my pillow. That was when I came fully awake. It was Heero. He was sitting on the bed touching me. His mouth was on mine, making little nips and caresses. This was too good to be true! This was Heero wanting me. Or sex. But he was noticing me! He fanned his hands higher, a thumb caressing a rib. And then suddenly from somewhere, I was angry. Furious almost. It wouldn't last and I knew it. It was just a game, another joke on me.
"Heero!" I yelled, pushing myself up.
He backed away from my mouth and just stared.
"You don't even know what you're doing!"
Heero scowled.
"Yes I do," he trailed off.
"NO. You don't."
"I do," the tousle-haired boy continued defiantly, "I know what a kiss is." He said, pushing me back against the sheets. My heart wouldn't stop beating erratically.
I closed my eyes. This was killing me. This whole situation. "You think you know."
And then Heero's lips were covering mine. As hot and wonderful as before and I couldn't help but respond this time. It was the sweetest thing I had ever felt. It felt like he knew what he was doing, insistently trying to get between my lips. I opened my mouth a little wider and he exhaled heavily at the new access. Something was off though. Kissing was all he was doing. Not that I was grumbling in any which way but nothing else was going on.
So I took it upon myself and trailed my hands down his sides, spreading his legs with mine so our groins were aligned just right. He gasped, intrigued by the more intimate position. I reached down kneading his ass, grasping firmly, grinding up as I pushed him down. He let go of my mouth to gruff deeply. He rested his head, face buried in the bed, panting heavily in my ear. Shit, I couldn't believe how amazing this was. The smell of him so close and the noises. Oh the noises.
It was so surreal... so surreal it brought me back to reality. I immediately ceased my movements.
"Heero," I said quietly, the hurt evident in my voice.
"Duo?" The concern evident in his.
"What are we doing?"
"Kissing."
"But why? What made you?"
"I wanted to."
"What about the mission?"
"What about it, Duo?"
Just then his computer beeped. It was too much of a coincidence. Heero started, then stopped to look at me.
"I have to check that Duo. Just stay there." Heero said, walking backward to the desk like he thought I'd disappear at the slightest movement.
I watched him hover over the desk and punch in what I suppose were coordinates. The war.
"Heero. I can't do this with you."
He stopped typing and walked over to stand in front of the bed.
"Why?"
"You... you choose the war. Not me."
He stepped even closer and bent over the bed fisting the front of my shirt and kissing the life outta me. It was the most reassuring kiss I've ever had.
"You gotta tell me Heero. I refuse to be second to this war."
"Can you not coincide with it? I want you, Duo, but this war needs to end by my hand."
"I'm having a hard time... believing you."
He kissed me again, lips taking mine easily as if our first kiss wasn't moments ago.
"I watch you sleep."
"WHAT?" I laughed. "Oh yeah, that's kinda creepy Heero."
"I do. Sometimes when a mission comes in, I wait for a while and watch you sleep instead."
I looked intently at Heero. His eyes shone with truth and his warmth called out to me. In a moment I felt like he was being honest with me. That all this time, I had merely been paranoid and had confused a job with an infatuation. That I gave myself too little credit because here he was, kissing me. Wanting me. How was that not right? I realized I didn't have to beat the war. Heero could. And once he did, it would be him and I still. Going strong. It was just a matter of time.
Owari