It's Not Easy Being Green

The Confessions of Quirrell's Iguana

Thanks so much for all the great reviews!  :D

-Part II –

Monday, September 2, 1991

9:11 P.M.

Where Do You Think I Am?

Operation: Quirrell and Sinistra has so far gone . . . absolutely nowhere.  I need time.  Also need to get out of this blasted cage.  Quirrell hasn't appeared for my nightly walk.  Of course he won't show up the one time I want to actually go somewhere. 

Bastard.

I need this walk.  I can drag him to the Astronomy tower during the lesson and wrap my leash around their legs like the dogs did that in silly children's movie.

What?  I'm an iguana, not a wizard.  I know that movies are and I've watched more than a few.  I learn from them, that's all.

I need this walk tonight.  The bastard better not ruin my plans. 

… Er, by bastard I mean Quirrell.  Snape is Bastard with a capital 'B'.  Quirrell is only worth a little 'b'.  He's not pure evil.

I do need this walk though, honestly.

My thighs are getting a little fat.

… Why am I telling a diary that my thighs are getting fat?  I must be losing it.

I need sleep.

And a walk.

Bastard.  Small 'b'.

11:43 P.M.

The walk was an utter failure.  Don't ask, I can't bear to recall what happened.

11:44 P.M.

You think he would understand a simple tug of the leash, right?  You would think that a professor would figure out when his iguana needs to go to the bathroom, right?  But noooooooooo, I get the man on the path to Sinistra's tower and there's no stopping him.  It was like a rampage and dammit, I had to pee!

… Er …

Filch wasn't happy.

11:53 P.M.

Well, it's not like I did it on purpose?  I can't be held accountable for what happens if the man walking me doesn't pay attention. 

He should pay attention.

I could have done something horrible, like bitten someone.

I do bite, y'know.  I didn't tonight, but I could have and he never would have known.

He was on a warpath, I tell you.  Of course, after worming his way into the Astronomy tower he decided we ought to go visit Fluffy. 

FLUFFY!

Fluffy is a dog with three heads.  You think a human man would be terrified of one of those, but not my brave (stuttering) master.  He decides he needs to have a closer look.

He cried when I bit him, for Merlin's sake.  What would be do if that thing attacked?

I will never understand humans.

Tuesday, September 3, 1991

10:23 A.M.

Quirrell's Office

Times like these are the times I wish I could laugh.  Or sing.  Or do something that would remotely express the joy I feel right now.  I want to smile, tap dance, even, on the dungeon-dwelling moron's oversized nose. 

Coffee drenched nose, rather.

Buahahahahahahaha!  Sigh.

BUAHAHAHA!

Sigh.

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Oh yeah, that's right.

How to explain what happened … how to explain to a piece of paper my immense joy at seeing what I saw this morning.  I don't know if there are words.  I like to think I have a pretty decent grasp of the English language (and I'm not sure how, so don't even ask) but I seriously doubt I can find the words.

One moment.

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, here goes …

Sorry, no, still laughing too hard.

11:03 A.M.

Am reasonably calmer now.  Will attempt to tell story that leaves me with alligator tears each and every time I even try to think about it.

Quirrell took me to the staff lounge, of course and I figured this was my perfect time to make Sinistra notice him.  I had it all planned, it was an elaborate scheme to make them fall madly in love with each other.

… Then she walked into the room and I knew that I couldn't put even Quirrell through that. 

She's looked better, needless to say.  I never thought anyone would dare to point it out to her, though.

Sigh.

One can always count on the dungeon-dwelling moron to rise to such an occasion.

He wrinkled his nose.  What a Bastard.  Actually wrinkled his nose and said to her, "My God, Auriga, you're no Veela normally, but … Really, today, you make Hagrid look attractive."

She's my hero, honestly.  Forget Quirrell, I think I'm falling in love.

"Fuck off, you overgrown bat," was followed by a boiling cup of coffee hurled at him.  I always knew the woman was a menace with a coffee cup and now I have my proof.

It was beautiful.

I have found my soulmate.

5:16 P.M.

Cage … Hiss

He really is a Bastard, capital 'B' and all.  Not that I'm spying on them or anything … and it's not as if I'm infatuated with the twit. 

I'm not.

I was simply collecting information for my plan to have Quirrell and Sinistra fall deeply and madly in love with one another.  I escaped the cage.

Yes, it's true.  I, Herman, broke free of my bondage.

YES!

Anyway …

I was in the library, skulking as one might say, watching the Sinistra woman mumbling to herself about stars.  Stare?  Starr?  Great Merlin, I'm an iguana and even I can spell star correctly.  S-T-A-R.  Must tell Sinistra about this sometime and I thought I would.

Of course, he got there first.

Bastard.

I think I might overuse the word Bastard … Nah.  One can't overuse a word like Bastard when describing a Bastard like Severus Snape.  It's simply not possible.

Bastard.

Anyway, she fell asleep and she looked … cute, even, minus the drool that was leaking out onto the diary of hers.  She kept mumbling things about stars and then … she talked about him.  In her sleep she uttered his name.

I knew he would jeopardize the mission.  Dungeon-dwelling moron!

I think I like moron better now.  It's well suited to him.  Though, I will admit, it's far more suited to Quirrell and his extremely moronic ways.  Perhaps I'll take away his title of bastard with a small 'b' and simply refer to him as the moron from now on.

I really do love my master.

Now, the point of my story is this; Snape entered the library and made some sarcastic remark that I couldn't hear.  I was hidden under a bookshelf, give me a break.  There is only so much I can do given my special … circumstances.

Honestly, though, you think he would leave her alone, but not Snape.  He has to be a gentleman.

Sneer.

… No.  Tell me I did not just sneer.  NO.  I am not picking up his habits.

Oh Lord.

Right, gentlemen.  How disgusting, but definitely not worth a sneer.

(Note to self: erase sneer.)

He put his arm around her!  His arm!  It was around her shoulders!  Around her!  Don't you see?  He's destroying everything.

I know he likes it, it's painfully obvious, but he wasn't supposed to find out.

She belongs to ME, buahahaha… er … Quirrell.  She belongs to Quirrell.

Right.

Okay, then … g'night.