It's Not Easy Being Green
Confessions of Quirrell's Iguana
Notes: For that darling anonymous review who has nothing better to do than accuse me of stealing titles, perhaps you ought to refresh your memory of the Muppets and one in particular named Kermit the Frog. The creator, Jim Henson, wrote this song called 'It's Not Easy Being Green'. Now, shoo.
- Part Five –
Sunday, September 8, 1991
9:34 A.M.
Cage
I have never been so thoroughly disturbed in my entire, short, very sheltered life. Never.
He was writing a poem.
Shudder.
A poem about Harry Potter dying, no less. I overheard him mumbling it under his breath at the breakfast table yesterday, testing out words that rhyme with 'ponder'. Who in the world writes poetry about Harry Potter's death? Someone really needs to get that guy a life because I'm just a little terrified of him. If he's writing poems about Potter's death when the child has done absolutely nothing wrong, what do you suppose he might do to me when he finds out that I'm keeping him from dully hating Sinistra for the rest of his life?
. . .
No. It's too horrible to think about. I mustn't get myself worked up like this. If I don't start calming down soon and paying attention to my diet, my cholesterol is going to be through the roof! I've already been to see a vet about this, thank you very much, but it's rather hard not getting worked up when the following has happened to you in approximately two weeks.
1) You start keeping a journal despite the fact that you're in iguana.
2) You realize that Snape has a crush on ANYONE, let alone your own darling Sinistra.
3) You develop a crush on said woman that Snape has a crush on.
4) You find out that your master is an evil agent of the Dark Lord.
5) You find out that he's going to kill Harry Potter, an innocent child!
6) You realize that you do, in fact, squeak.
Yeah. So I squeak. What're you going to do about it? I'll tell you exactly what you'll do about it. Nothing! Because you're just a journal and you can't do anything at all. So there!
Poetry about death. Honestly.
10:47 A.M.
Snape just asked me where he could find a 'gone'. What the hell is a 'gone' and why is he asking me? It's an iguana, or have people stopped realizing that?
11:34 A.M.
For whatever reason, I wasn't good enough for the breakfast table today and got left behind in my bloody cage. Quirrell practically came dancing into the room after the meal, though and then refused to tell me what had happened. I've never seen that man dance before, so it must be something awfully important to make him raise his robes and do a little jig on the desk.
Oh, shudder.
I never want to see that again and hope that the mental picture of it will be banished from my mind forever.
I think I'd rather see Snape dancing on a desk, Merlin forbid.
Yes, you heard me. I'd rather see Snape dance any day.
. . . Oh, Merlin.
Maybe I'm in love with him too . . .
. . . Well, whatever happened, I don't really want to know. He's standing in front of a mirror, practically preening that damn turban. He looks like someone told him it's attractive.
Who in their right mind would tell that man that his turban in attractive?
. . .
. . . Oh, my.
. . . I think Operation: Quirrell and Sinistra has been a success!
3:07 P.M.
That BASTARD!
I HATE HIM.
I want to bite him hard enough that he'll lie on the floor and bleeeeeeeed to death sloooooooowly.
BASSSSSTAAAAARD!
3:15 P.M.
Right. Am a little more calm now than I was a few minutes ago. It's just that . . . Snape is a bastard. Wait, Bastard, capital B, but you already knew that, didn't you? I never thought he could sink any lower than he already was, but did he ever prove me wrong.
He sunk much, much lower than he already was.
And I think he tried to steal my copy of 'Iguanas Weekly'. Bastard.
Anyway, the point of this story isn't that he tried to steal my magazine, though he can be certain I would have bitten his hand off if he'd succeeded. The point of this story is to document the amazing events that happened today in this very room.
Yes, this very room.
You may ooh and aaah appropriately.
He came into Quirrell's classroom, completely uninvited and first tried to steal my magazines before coming over to my cage and trying to steal me. I'm not lying. He actually looked down inside and I tried to send all my thoughts mentally . . . telepathically, whatever it is you call that special power.
'I will eat you!' and 'Touch me and I'll bite your finger off!' and my favourite, 'Bite your own fingers off!'.
None of them worked, apparently, as he decided to reach into my age and pick me up. He just stood there, holding me at arm's length like the idiot he is. Did he think I'm dirty, or something? Was he afraid of my germs?
I happen to be a very clean iguana, thank you very much.
So, just to see if he's scream and drop me (although the floor was a very long drop), I turned my head, looked directly at him and flicked my tongue.
He pulled me closer after that. Shudder. I think the Bastard called me 'cuddly'.
I am not cuddly, thank you very much. I'm a reptile!
I tried to make a threatening noise, but since all I can apparently do is squeak, I think he took it as a good noise and held me even closer. Because my greatest disease in life is to be held against the chest of the most greasy looking man in all of Hogwarts.
. . . Riiiiight.
If things weren't bad enough right then and there, the door opened and I was terrified that Quirrell would find us together and Avada Kedavra both of us.
Unfortunately for her, it was Sinistra. Those are the times I wish I could do more than just squeak, dammit. She came into the room, sat on the desk and . . .
Oh, Merlin, it's too painful.
She actually purred, "Oh . . . Slatero."
Snape stiffened, yes, I actually felt him stiffen and then I felt the unmistakable shake of laughter. But he didn't laugh, the Bastard. He didn't even tell her that she wasn't talking to Quirrell holding me, but Snape holding me. She must have thought it was Quirrell because who else would be in his classroom with his iguana?
"I was wondering if we could have . . . a little chat."
There was that shake of laughter again. What a Bastard. He wanted her to make a fool out of herself and in that moment, I think I loved her even more.
Sigh.
Why do men get all the good ones? What's an iguana to do?
"You know, Slatero . . . you don't mind if I call you Slatero, do you?" she continued.
The Bastard shook his head and then tightened his grip on me. That hurt . . . a lot. I think I squirmed, but I couldn't escape his death grip. My scales are bruised.
Sinistra was still talking though, " . . . because I feel that I possess that sort of . . . intimacy with you."
What the hell was with all those pauses? She sounded like she was too stupid to think up words as fast as they needed to come out of her mouth. Was it supposed to be . . . sexy??
Anyway, the point of this story is that he made it worse. That's why I hate him. Not because he tried to kidnap me, but because he made it worse for Sinistra. Much, much worse.
He started to imitate Quirrell. And he did a pretty good job of it, if I do say so myself.
"Y…y…yes, A…Auriga."
Oooooh, that Bastard.
"And I feel compelled to tell you that I've never felt such a . . ." (those stupid pauses again) "chemistry with someone before. Not like this."
I wish I could have squeaked loud enough to make her realize that something was wrong. The poor girl was digging herself deeper and deeper into this hole of embarrassment and let me tell you, nothing was going to get her out of this one.
"O…oh…oh r…really?" Snape continued, still doing that amazing impression of Quirrell
"Yes," she purred. And trust me on this, kids, she most certainly was purring. "Do you feel that . . . spark between us, Slatero?"
I figured that would be the end. I didn't think Snape could keep from laughing after that, but the Bastard managed somehow.
"Y…yes."
She said something about fantasizing about him at that point and I turned out just a little bit because the idea of Sinistra fantasizing about my master is too wonderful and too horrible for words at the exact same time. It's what I wanted, isn't it? But on the other hand, HE'S EVIL and he'd probably kill her as opposed to taking her out for a nice dinner.
I did, unfortunately, hear Sinistra asking 'Slatero' to kiss her and Snape's response had to be the worst of the entire episode.
"W…w...well, Auriga, I … I …" and that was when the Bastard finally burst into laughter. "I have no doubt in my mind that you are the most pathetic seductress I have ever encountered."
Why do I find it so hard to believe that, besides Sinistra's mistake, Snape has ever encountered another seductress?
Back to the unfolding drama at hand. I was expecting all sorts of wonderful comebacks from Sinistra, perhaps a flying coffee mug that she had hidden in her robes, but I was sorely disappointed. She had absolutely nothing.
She said (and I quote), "You're not Quirrell."
She fled the room and Snape stayed there, squeezing the life out of me and laughing hysterically. I could barely breathe, so I did the only thing I could do.
I peed on him.
Buahahaha.
That'll teach him. Or, at least, it'll force him to finally take a shower.