I Don't Love You!
A fan fiction play by Liz ErricoAct 1 Scene 1
(Regina Siobhan Vitallia steps out of the chopper, which is offstage, and is greeted by Corporal Radar O'Reilly. She is dressed in a full, black shirt and a big-shouldered, checkered suit-shirt, and a large hat. She is a slender, with the body of an 18 year old, and has curly brown hair, brown eyes, a face that is intimidating and tender at the same time. Regina is ultimately a walking contradiction who can be mature and elegant one minutes, rude and youthful the next. But above all she is sarcastic. It is September 5th, 1950-hot and sunny)
REG: (shouting above noise) Hi there sir! Nurse Regina Vitallia?!
RAD: Uh..oh yeah!! Welcome to the M*A*S*H 4077-follow me please?
(Cut to the main office)
REG: Some weather, eh? Well now, I don't believe we've met! Regina Vitallia! And
you?
RAD: Uh…Corporal O'Reilly ma'am.
REG: Oh how darling! I'm Irish too!
RAD: Really? Wow-at least someone around here is….
REG: You sound neglected.
RAD: I don't know- I guess people pick on me because of my height more than anything else.
REG: That's pure peter! Who cares? I like short people-I mean-look at me! 5'4.''
RAD: Well, thanks I guess. Well-I'd better show you to Colonel Blake.
REG: (muttering to herself) Another case of flirting gone dooowwn the drain.
(End Scene 1)
Act 1 Scene 2
(Colonel Blake's office. He is sitting at his desk.)
RAD: Uh, sir? Nurse Regina Vitallia to see you. She just flew in.
BLAKE: Huh? Oh yes-welcome Regina. Please take a seat…
REG: (sitting down) Thank you sir. And oh! Your hat is absolutely charming! Do let me try it on?
BLAKE: No harm in that (gives her the hat-she removes hers) Soo…..Ms. Vitallia! Our new nurse! Well, let's take a look at your records. Hmmm….you have passed your physical-that's always good…and used to work part time at Blue Cross Blue Shield Medical Center in Manhattan as a nurse, yes?
REG: Yes sir.
BLAKE: What did you do the other half of the time?
REG: Oh, uh…auditioning, you know, writing scripts.
BLAKE: Oh? Well that's very interesting-we have a movie star on our hands! But in all seriousness, do you like working as a nurse?
REG: Well sir, I'm not a candy striper but it's ok.
BLAKE I see, but why come here though?
REG: Well, you see sir. Yeah, I guess the real reason is that my awful mother wouldn't let me go to Juilliard as a drama major.
(A Major walks in-he is amiable and about 46 years old)
MAJOR: Did I hear someone call me?
BLAKE: No Major. Nurse Vitallia was saying how she would've liked to major in drama at Julliard.
MAJOR: Oh-never heard of it. I was a drama major myself you know, back in Louisiana. Would you have liked to take it as a major minor or a major major?
REG: I really don't know.
MAJOR: Well, a major major is when you take that major and nothing else. A major minor is when you take your major but as a minor class-you have other classes you see, although I believe a major is a pretty major subject, almost more important than math and science.
REG: That's some major difference. I think I'd pick the first one, the place is a conservatory anyway.
MAJOR: Ah…a major major.
BLAKE: That'll be all Major.
(Major exits)
REG: What a character, eh?
BLAKE: I agree. Well Radar, if that's all there is will you please take Nurse Regina to her tent? Uh-Regina-you'll be sharing it with a few other nurses-they're all out now on duty I believe though-so maybe you'll meet them later?
REG: Yes sir.
(Just then, Hawkeye and Trapper walk in, Regina rises.)
HAWK: Hey Blake, you have a minute?
TRAP: Yeah, cause you gotta get us outta here. People screaming, it's hot as hell….
HAWK: No available nurses….
TRAP: Yeah! We want out-and Ferret-face won't let us!
BLAKE: Aw gee fellas…I know Major Burns is a big pain in the ass-but try to live with him.
HAWK: Yeah, sure. By the time I get away from him I'll have been to hell and back 20 times, some living. NOT that I'm complaining of course. (Spots Regina) Oh….and who's the new import?
BLAKE: This is Nurse Regina Vitallia-just flew in from…uhh…New York isn't it?
REG: Yes (to Hawkeye) And hi to you Mr…..
HAWK: Pierce. (shaking her hand with a big grin) Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, but call me Hawkeye. (whispering in her ear) Oh…and come by my tent say….9 o' clock. We'll split a candy bar and er…some gin-see what happens.
REG: No, it's ok. I'm not a drinker anyway. Thanks though Mr. Pierce. (batting eyelashes)
TRAP: Hiya. I'm John McIntyre, but call me Trapper.
REG: (shaking his hand) Trapper…Oh-I guess I'll see you later Colonel Blake.
BLAKE: Bye bye Regina.
(Regina, Trap, Hawkeye, and Radar exit the tent)
HAWK: You know doll…you can call me Hawkeye. I actually prefer it. Mr. Pierce sounds too cold…I'd rather die in action than freeze to death.
REG: Haha! Did you make that joke up all by yourself? You know something Benny…I'm reading a marvelous book called Catch-22. It's about army pilots in WW2. And you know who you remind me of from it?
HAWK: I'm all ears.
REG: Captain Yossarian. A womanizer, very odd, and very tall. He's also incredibly funny and intelligent. So then again, I guess his character really isn't you.
HAWK: Sounds like a great read.
TRAP: What about me?
REG: Hmmm…oh god. You see, there's billions of characters in this thing. Probably McWatt, cause he's kind of laid-back and extremely kind. Although I've only really started the book. Maybe he's an insane killer!!!
TRAP: Oh yeah, that's me! And what about Radar?
REG: Oh-definitely Nately. He's really young…and really cute-and he falls in love with a whore-but in a romantic way.
RAD: Umm…I don't think that's something I'd particularly want.
(End Scene 2)
Act 1 Scene 3
(Radar and Regina have finally been left alone by Hawkeye and Trapper-and are in Regina's tent)
REG: God, that Mr. Pierce. Can you believe him? Is he always like that with women?
RAD: Yeah, he's always trying to get with nurses-I wouldn't worry about it too much.
REG: Ohh…I see. Well, nothing for me to worry about then I guess. Ahh….it's funny. I never got guys before. They always found me intimidating, so says my friend Jenn.
RAD: Really? That's kinda hard to believe.
REG: I guess that's a compliment.
RAD: (blushing) Well, yeah, I guess. Cause, you're, well, I guess you're easy on the eyes.
REG: Ahh! Can I thank you? CAN I thank you?! Holy smelted mackerel-I got myself an admirer! Well, no-but still. I swear to god there's not one man who's said something like that to me. Help me unpack?
RAD: Ok…I guess.
(They begin to unpack her bags)
RAD: I didn't know you played the flute…?
REG: Ah yes-a darling little instrument, isn't it? I promised my father that, even amongst the blood and guts, I'd play away! Muahahaha!
RAD: I see. Well, I play the drums.
REG: Oh! Do you? Man, I've always wanted to play them. You know, you'll have to let me try them-you're obligated.
RAD: Well, yeah, I guess I'll have to. (Takes out weights) You lift weights?
REG: Oh…those are nothing. 10 pounds of weights is only twice the weight of a 5 pound fetus. If I can handle that sight-I can handle anything. And that sentence just made no sense.
RAD: Dead fetus?
REG: Oh man, ever since, well, you know-I was a nurse and all that. And this woman…well, miscarriage alert! Shot out of her like a football. Poor lady.
RAD: I'm sorry.
REG: Oh-I don't deserve the sorries. It's not like I was the pregnant one. I don't look pregnant, do I? (feels her stomach)
RAD: Of course not.
REG: Ah, good. Believe me, I'm not anorexic. But an 18 year old has to keep her body in order-not that it ever really is acknowledged.
RAD: I really can't see how it's that bad. Um…should I give you a tour of the camp. It's almost lunchtime anyway.
REG: Oh yes my valiant steed! Take me to yonder mess tent hither!
RAD: You like Shakespeare?
REG: I'm an actress you know. And anyway-ever since I saw that dear Laurence Olivier in Hamlet-I was hooked. Vivien Leigh should take a backseat to me! Buh bye Scarlett!
RAD: Ohhh…(shuts door behind them)
(Cut to the two walking outside towards the Mess tent. Klinger is outside in one of his outfits)
REG: Do my eyes deceive me?
KLING: Are you looking at the dress or the nose?
REG: Well, I must say...I've found a real doll! How about you and me honey? I got 5 bucks on me-what do you say to some sodas? I bet I can show you a real good time. (Chuckles)
KLING: I'd be flattered-and who are you sir?
REG: Well sug, I'm Reggie Vitallia, the new nurse here. Actually, you're better off callin' me Regina, Miss….
KLING: Klinger. Max Klinger.
REG: Well, Klinger-Max is short for Maxine isn't it? I don't know about them there yellow shoes of yours. Mind tryin' somethin' more tasteful before we hit the town?
KLING: Nah...and obviously, a guy like me has a lot more fashion sense than a guy like you. May I suggest wearing something less dismal?
REG: (slaps his back) Whoa! This kitten's got claws!
(They all explode into laughter)
REG: Ah-so Klinger-I guess a corporal you must be?
KLING: Right-o!
REG: That's so nice! You and Corporal O'Reilly work together then-awww!!!
KLING: You are correct sir. Heyyy-Radar! (Exits)
(End Scene 3)
Act 1 Scene 4
(Radar and Regina continue walking and eventually enter the Mess tent)
REG: You know Mr. O'Reilly-what's with this whole Radar thing?
RAD: Oh…well, I usually know what's going to happen before anyone else does. You know-so like-Radar.
REG: Oh! ESP! My uncle's former wife was telepathic. I guess she could sense a dud when she saw him. Heh. But oh!-actually-shouldn't your name be Sonar? Cause radar is the use of electricity… Oh! Cornbread!
RAD: Ohh…(makes a face) I don't know though. Sonar kind of sounds weird. Sonar O'Reilly?
REG: True.
RAD: Oh yeah-and this is Igor our head chef.
REG: Hello Igor! What a great name-it reminds me of vigor-full of life! Alright…um...I guess I'll have the potatoes there. Oh-and is that fish?
IGOR: (sigh) No-it's battered chicken in flour sauce.
REG: No fish? I need a diet terribly-but it's better than liver-although calf liver is good. So I guess pile that chicken on.
RAD: I'll have liver.
(The two get their food and come by a table in which Frank Burns, Hotlips, and Father Mulcahy are sitting)
REG: Uh….hello! I'm uh, Regina Vitallia? The new nurse? Hehe.
HOT: Ah-oh-hi! Yeah, nice to meet you. Oh-and I'm Margaret Houlihan-the head nurse around here. And this is Major Frank Burns…
( Frank makes a grim face as he looks up at Regina, but waves anyway)
REG: Oh! Ferret-face!
FRANK: (face tightening) Well, no-I believe you are referring to a name that Captain Pierce refers to me as. I wouldn't pay attention to such meaningless drabble from simpletons such as him.
REG: Well, I'll take that into consideration-since you've got the cutest face-I can't resist!
(Frank and Hot are taken aback, while Father clutches his chest, Radar's eyes bugging out)
REG: Well, I'm not a liar! Look at the sharpness of the cheekbones and those delicious eyes. Meow!
RAD: Oh…uh…Regina, this is Father Mulcahy.
REG: Ohh! Hi… (she acts quirky at this point, making a cross and bending her knees as she leans back and shakes hands with him, a false smile on her face) Well, Fatha…unfortunately I'm not much of a religious person…
MUL: Well, that's quite alright my dear-it's the true sinners that must pay their time in hell-and you don't look like one bound for such a place.
REG: Aww…thanks Fatha. Nah-I honestly couldn't call myself a sinner. I guess my only "bad seed," uh, I mean "bad deed" is cursing a bit, but believe you me Fatha-noooo swearing!
MUL: Oh, wellll…that's good to hear.
(Regina and Radar sit down)
HOT: So, uhh…where are you from Regina?
REG: (between delicate and sloppy mouthfuls) ManHATtan, New York.
FRANK: And how is it there?
REG: Aww...it's great. I live on Park Avenue-whoa! All rich and stuff! Ya see, so that's great.
RAD: You live on Park Avenue and worked as a part-time nurse?
REG: Yeah-nothing wrong with that…the only downfall is that I'm an only child.
HOT: Ah! Me too!
REG: Oh really? Yeah, well, being an only child, I guess it gets lonely and all-so about every summer I've visited my aunt and her husband out on the Island-they've got five kids! So it's all nice and fun. And ah man! You know? I was probably going to go to Paris for the summer as my birthday present. But noooooo…I just HAD to enlist. But there's obviously no use crying over spilt milk-and I have my movies to rely on-I'd actually like to bring in some reels if that's actually possible.
MUL: Well, it's good that you've chosen to help out the troops here in Korea. And anyway, if you were in Paris, your jocularity meter may have overloaded.
REG: (laughing) Ah hah!!!! Jocularity meter!! Ah man-that's a great line. Wow-you know Fatha-I'll need to use that line soon-do you mind me taking it?
MUL: I guess it's quite alright, as long as you don't use it in the Lord's name of course.
FRANK: So Regina-you said you like movies?
REG: (excitedly) Oh yes! I love them all! In fact...well-it's not a movie-but I went to Broadway not too long ago and saw "A Streetcar Named Desire" starring the most handsome man on earth! Marlon Brando-ahh!!
HOT: Hmm…never heard of him.
REG: What?! Well, I guess it's to be expected. No one really knows of him, not yet. He's going to be in this new movie actually-The Men. THAT will make him a star-I bet my friend Grace ten dollars on it!
RAD: What about John Wayne?
REG: Eh..well, he's ok. But I wish he'd detract from the Westerns-you know? I'd kill to see him in a romantic foreign fantasy, but that's not happening. And anyway-Clark Gable is much more handsome!
HOT: I know what you mean! (Frank gives her a quizzical look)
REG: Well, Radar my darling friend. Time to go back to the old tent and…
RAD: (rigid, concentrating on something else) Choppers…..CHOPPERS!!! (runs out to retrieve the wounded)
REG: Oh god! Oh no, oh no, oh no! What do I do?! (jumping, fidgeting) Ah, ah, ah, I never did this before!
HOT: Oh please…come on, I'll take you there!
(All exit)
(End Scene 4)
Act 1 Scene 5
(The O.R. The wounded are all upon tables. Regina is in the standard white apron, mask and hat, standing beside Frank Burns urgently. A wounded soldier comes to the table-he has a busted leg full of shrapnel. He is proceeded to be operated on. Regina gets the anesthetic mask, is about to put it on him)
PATIENT: Nuh, nuh, no!! Please! (grabs her apron, she shoves him away)
FRANK: Nurse Vitallia! 3 grams of penicillin! Obviously this little wiggler's not going to take the mask.
REG: Yes sir (she gets it after bumping into Hawkeye, injects the struggling man)
FRANK: Knife
REG: Knife.
HAWK: Hmmm…playing slave girl to King Ferret today, aren't we?
FRANK: Shut your little trap Pierce.
HAWK: Ok, ok! Just playing around. But what's wrong with correct observations once in a while?
TRAP: Ah Hawkeye-you're on a ROLLL today, aren't you?
REG: Mr. McIntyre!
HAWK: Mr. McIntyre?! Haha. We're the proper one today, aren't we Miss Ferret?
FRANK: Pierce, open your mouth one more time and I'll have you discharged before you can finish sewing that guy up!
HAWK: I'll make sure to spare him by not letting him get into your hands..
RAD: (comes up to Frank) Uh, sir?
FRANK: What is it twerp?
RAD: Sir, my name is Corporal O'Reilly and I just wanted to hand you the X-rays.
(Looks at Regina, she winks at him, he slightly smiles)
FRANK: Oh god-I can't read these x-rays! They should make them more clear and efficient. As soon as I get a hold of whoever made these they'll promptly be fired! I bet it was you Pierce! Do you think this is some great little trick you pulled on me?!
HAWK: Oh I'm sure I'm the cause of your terrible medical skills. My apologies. Scalpel.
(End Scene 5)
Act 1 Scene 6
(It is Hotlips' tent, and she and frank are fooling around)
HOT: Oh Frank dearest, I love you so much. I just wish that idiot Hawkeye could lay off for once. We really need to get him transferred. And this time I mean it-we've tried many times and haven't been successful. Watch ME go to the colonel to get Hawkeye's face full of crap!
FRANK: Oh Margaret darling. You know that nitwit can be dealt with at anytime we wish. Come now, we're majors! (laughs an evil laugh) However, I believe that we should focus on ourselves now.
(Lights dim and brighten again repeatedly showing the short passage of time. The two are both in Hotlips' bed, and although they still have some clothes on, are considerably more in the moment)
FRANK: Ohh….REGINA my sweetness!!
HOT: (stops short, turns on light) Regina?! What in the world did you say THAT for?!
FRANK: (confused) What are you talking about? I didn't say that! Believe me Margaret…I don't think I could have said that.
HOT: You just did!
FRANK: Then it was a silly sub consciousness that means absolutely nothing.
HOT: I don't think so!
FRANK: Look dearest-she's a good nurse and a nice girl, but-
HOT: Is young and has a nice body! Is that it Frank? Oh god, don't tell me you like that 18 year old ditz!
FRANK: You were having a pleasant conversation with her at the mess table!
HOT: Yeah-and you were looking at her the entire time!
FRANK: No I wasn't! Come now honey, it's you that I love! (tries kissing her)
HOT: Yeah, I'm sure! How could you! (hastily gets dressed) I could have sworn you loved me! Do you know how hard it is to keep this affair that I have put myself into entirely a secret?! But no, you don't care, because as soon as some teenage tramp calls you "cute," you're all over her! (goes to tent flap) Out! Get out of here now!
FRANK: Oh, no! But Hotlips!
HOT: Don't you "Hotlips" me! I don't want to see you anymore! (throws a picture frame at him-he runs out quickly, only to see Hawkeye strolling outside)
HAWK: Hey! Major Burnsey!
FRANK: What is it Pierce?
HAWK: What are you doing outside Houlihan's tent, hmm?
FRANK: That's none of your business captain!
HAWK: Oh yeah, oh yeah-I'm sure. Well, enough about Hotlips, let's talk about Mrs. Ferret. You like her, don't you?
FRANK: I mean it! If you continue to ask further questions I'll have your hide thrown out of here!
HAWK: I'll be sure to send you a postcard expressing my thanks. C'mon, she's pretty cute!! Uh huh? Eh heh heh heh heh…
FRANK: You make me SICK!
HAWK: Yeah, I knew I was coming down with a cold…
(Frank, exasperated, exits, with Hawkeye close behind)
(End Act 1)
Act 2 Scene 1
(The Swamp. Regina is listening to her records as she talks with Colonel Blake, while Trap and Hawk sip gin on the other side of the room
BLAKE: Alright Regina, I think you started out quite well in the O.R. yesterday. You know, that man was from the North Korean side.
REG: Really? I guess I never really cared much about taking sides than about keeping my dignity. So in a way, by siding with America, I am retaining dignity. So never mind what I just said.
BLAKE: But you realize that either way we operate on them…
REG: Oh yeah…nah, you don't have to worry about that.
BLAKE: Good, so are you getting along with everyone? Looked like Hawkeye was sweet on you.
REG: Well, Benny WAS at first, but that's just cause he's desperate-heh.
BLAKE: Heh heh heh...well, yes. Alright Regina, I'll leave you alone, but I'd button your shirt as high as it may go, you don't want those two getting ideas….Bye Bye. (Exits)
HAWK: Hey Reggie, guess what I found out.
REG: What is it Benny?
HAWK: (drunk) Frank Burnnsss…. Has got a crush on youu….
TRAP: HAHAHAHA…
REG: What? Oh please, he didn't say that did he?
HAWK: Ohh…he didn't say it, but I know he meant itttt….(falls asleep)
REG: Terrific. Trapper, he didn't say that, did he?
TRAP: Well kid…I wouldn't know for sure. But I can tell you like him.
REG: Oh my god…I don't like him-I barely know him anyway.
TRAP: Hotlips said you said he was delicious.
REG: Hotlips? Who's that?
TRAP: Houlihan.
REG: But Hotlips? What kind of a name is that? And what the hell kind of name is Trapper? And what the hell's going on?!
TRAP: I'm called Trapper cause I guess I've trapped a few in my day.
REG: Oh that's comforting…
TRAP: Well, you think he's delicious.
REG: (pushes him) No I mean, well-I said his EYES were. And they are. They're very nice. And so are Benny's. Your whole face is delicious. Take that!
TRAP: Uh huh…So are you jealous of Hotlips?
REG: Of course not. And them two are together anyway.
TRAP: Looks that way.
REG: Well, I hope they're happy together then.
TRAP: You're jealous, you're jealous. C'mon, you can tell me!
REG: Ok, maybe I am just a little. But believe me, it's cause I never get any of the guys, at least she does. If a guy happens to like me, which is like, never, I have to hold onto that chance.
TRAP: Well, you know, "Benny" as you call him seemed interested.
REG: Yeah, but I don't care. He's different because he's not a guy.
TRAP: Alright...then…you like…Radar!
REG: Ok, fine. I admit it. I like him-but he's my age! And he's really adorable and the nicest person I've ever met.
TRAP: Aw…and he thinks you're pretty too.
REG: Yes, I know-he told me. Actually, he said I was easy on the eyes.
TRAP: I think you're pretty too (bats eyelashes)
REG: Oh, what? You're trying to seduce me into liking YOU now?
TRAP: Heh (he jabs her in the ribs)
(Frank Burns then enters, angry at the sight of a sleeping Hawkeye and a wrestling Trap and Regina)
FRANK: Tapper! What in God's name are you doing?!
(Trap and Reg abruptly stop, and Trapper bursts out laughing at Frank's mistake)
TRAP: Ah, nothing sir. Just revving up Regina here for the days where she'll be able to kick my ass.
FRANK: Listen to me McIntyre. How would you like for me to mention this little incident to the chaplain when he arrives in 4 days?
TRAP: Ok, ok sir. But come on Burns! It's nothing bad! Besides, the girl's 18-an adult.
FRANK: I don't care if she's 10 or 100. You are not permitted as an officer to have relationships with non-officers!
TRAP: Oh, I think you'd know about relationships.
FRANK: Talk like that again and you'll find yourself back in Boston! Nurse Vitallia? May I see you for one minute?
REG: Yes sir.
(They step outside)
FRANK: Miss Vitallia, I think it'd be best for yourself and the entire M*A*S*H unit if you stayed away from those two men. Both are inconsiderate, lusty men, and their behavior will not be tolerated, especially by me.
REG: Yes sir. But really sir, I honestly don't think any harm was intended from Trapper. Even Hawkeye-he's such a goof anyway.
FRANK: They're lousy surgeons too. One of these days I'll have them rightfully discharged.
REG: Oh, I see sir. (She turns towards the tent, and he grabs her gently by the shoulder)
FRANK: Miss Vitallia-I believe I told you not to be with those two men.
REG: Oh-but my records are inside.
FRANK: Alright. But please let me know if either of the two threaten you again. Do we understand, Miss Vitallia?
REG: Yes sir.
(Frank exits, while Regina heads back towards the tent)
REG: Trapper….please tell me I was dreaming.
TRAP: Huh?
REG: (fidgets) Major Burns makes me feel so uncomfortable.
TRAP: How?
REG: He was like, "I want you to stay away from those two" and putting his hand over my shoulder, saying "Oh, if those two ever threaten you, come see me."
TRAP: See?! I told you he likes you, cause look! He cares about who you're with!
REG: Noo! C'mon, you're making me feel dizzy. See, I don't mind actors that happen to be older than me, but when an actual, regular man about 15 years your senior tries to get with you, it's pretty bad.
TRAP: Don't worry, he's a pussycat, or a ferret I should say. He's just an annoying snitch. Anyway, let's change the subject. So, now you know-I'm from Boston.
REG: Oh yeah! When I heard that I was literally laughing hysterically inside. You know, I would have expected you to be all like Well, I went to the bahhrr with the cahhrr and a cigahhrr was in my mouth. It's all mahhrrvelous. Heh heh.
HAWK: (waking up) Hey! What is this? Some flaky acting class?!
(End Scene 1)
Act 2 Scene 2
(A few seconds later)
REG: What in the hell would YOU know about acting? And for the love of Mike-we're just practicing a Bostonian accent. And besides, you're referring to speech class.
HAWK: Thanks for the tip, I'll use it some day. And Trapper? Since when do you have fun with Reggie?
TRAP: Since you fell asleep I guess.
REG: (antsy) Ahh…what am I gonna do, you know? Eww…this whole Frank thing is really weird.
HAWK: Well, it doesn't really matter. You got Trap and Radar to protect you.
REG: (giving him a look) Yeah, no more Trappah forrr you I guess…But c'mon! This is really bad!
HAWK: Let me tell you something Regina. You have to know a little bit about Ferret Face. He's a wacky, dumb sissy, he can't handle this war.
REG: (pointing at gin) Doesn't seem like you can either.
HAWK: Look Regina. I really don't see it as a joke. War isn't fun, I'm telling ya. You've got people dying goddamnit. You know I had to watch a little girl die on the operating table before I ate breakfast, which is also probably the worst slop you could shove in your mouth? Here you dress up in all this fancy stuff and try to act all calm. Believe me, me and Trapper over here use the gin as a relaxer, cause war is just the opposite, pure hell. Now…I think you're at least flattered by this Major, and you "claim" you never get attention-you're just using that as a mere cover up.
REG: Ah come on….
HAWK: Well, I'm just saying….(sips gin) It's real hard to believe that you get as much attention as a soapdish.
REG: Great little lecture there…(to Trapper) Uhh….do you think I could ask Radar to look through Major Burns' files?
TRAP: And why would you want to do that?
REG: I don't know, I just want to see is all.
HAWK: Uh huh, sure, checking for his address so you could have a candlelit dinner at his place after the war?
REG: Oh please. (Exits)
TRAP: Well I'll tell ya, she's really something.
HAWK: Yeah, arrogant, in denial, and crazy.
TRAP: Aw come on Hawkeye. You gotta admit, you haven't given her much of a "chance" yet.
HAWK: Oh yeah, oh yeah-and she has! Since the first time we met. I tell her to 'Call me Hawkeye.' Mr. Pierce? Benny? What is that? And that whole Ferret-face thing is a load of garbage, on her part anyway.
TRAP: I don't know Hawkeye. Frank is like Mars, and Mars needs women like you need a breath mint.
(Cut to Regina in office with Radar)
REG: Awww…come on Radar! Can't you take a peak?!
RAD: But I can't.
REG: But..
RAD: Because Colonel Blake gave orders.
REG: Blakes a doll though-and believe you me, he doesn't have any more compassion for the guy than anyone else on this site does.
RAD: Well, I guess I can-but me and me alone!
REG: Yes, yes, fine. So you're taking me to see your zoo tomorrow right?
RAD: Yeah. REG: Yay! So exciting. Manhattans got none of that stuff. Wait-where are you from? I don't think I ever asked you. RAD: Ottumwa, Iowa. REG: Oh! On a little farm? RAD: Yeah-with my ma and uncle. REG: Aww! I could just imagine! You petting a fuzzy little chick! Hehe. I'm sorry, I'm acting like a real jackass.
RAD: Oh no, don't worry. Burns…Burns….oh-here. (lifts up folder)
REG: Ok, so can I take a peek?
RAD: Well…ok-but just a teeny one. (leans it slightly and gingerly towards her, then whips it away)
REG: (eyes widening) Major Burns has a wife?!
RAD: Yeah, you didn't know that?
REG: How could he cheat on her like that?! And jeez! What is this? 3 kids!
RAD: Well, uh...desperate times call for desperate measures.
REG: Yeah-seeking solace in Nurse HOULIHAN of all people. And why is he coming on to me?
RAD: He's coming on to you? Why would he do, uh...something like that?
REG: Ah damnit-it's cause I called him cute-at least everyone says that's the reason.
RAD: Wow-so Ferret-Face likes…
REG: ME! That's right! ME! And believe me, I'm not taking pride in this. He's a nice guy and all, but it's so weird! Why couldn't I just have-
RAD: Marlon Brandon?
REG: Marlon Brando. I think your ESP machine needs a little tinkering. (pulls his ear and squishes his face) Aww...Radar! You really are cute! And I don't mean that in a baby way. I really hope you don't think I'm some chatty airhead with only men and myself on my mind.
RAD: Welll...no, I don't.
REG: Really?
RAD: Yes.
REG: But really, don't say really unless you really mean it! See, now I REALLY sound like some bossy bitch.
RAD: Well, uh...I mean-I don't think so.
REG: Alright, good. But still! Nooo….what do I do about Burns?
RAD: Uh…I wouldn't worry about him. And anyway-I know he's more focused on getting Hawkeye transferred.
REG: It really isn't a bad idea you know?
RAD: Yeah...well, I better get back to my files.
(Col. Blake enters)
BLAKE: Ah…Regina. Gee-I love that shirt of yours-I don't know why I didn't say so earlier.
REG: Aw…thanks-it's nothing really.
BLAKE: Now, Radar-I want you to-
RAD: Call up General Johnson.
BLAKE: That's right-and tell him-
RAD: That you have to tell him something really important but to please wait a minute while you get your thoughts collected.
BLAKE: That's right, ye-
RAD: -s sir.
BLAKE: Ahh! Ha! I'll leave you to that then. Now, Regina, (starts walking, she follows) I know you're not used to it, but gee-since Klinger started his vacation today I was wondering if you'd mind going down the road and pick up the supplies we just ordered? It's nothing really-just some bandages and cloth, stuff like that. You can handle it.
REG: Yeah, but sir, I'm not even a company clerk. Is that even allowed? Heh
BLAKE: Well, I'm sure it is, eh? And anyway-if it isn't, no one has to know, right? It's a little trip, nothing much, just that we need someone now. Can you drive a jeep?
REG: I can drive a car, same thing? Well, being this the army and all I'd expect a better version or something jazzy like that.
BLAKE: Oh, it's really quite simple. Hmm…I guess we should get someone to go with you just incase, and you'll need some training with a jeep anyway-just incase. (Bangs head on door as they walk out) What in the hell?!
REG: Oh god, sir! Are you alright?!
BLAKE: Yes, yes, fine Regina. A bang on the head is minor compared to the complaints and bombs going off that I have to hear everyday. (spots Frank) Ah! Frank! You mind driving Nurse Vitallia up the road-she has an errand to do.
FRANK: Ah ha. Colonel Blake, you can't be serious.
BLAKE: Of course I am.
FRANK: Nurse Vitallia can take herself, I'm an officer, I have more important things to do.
BLAKE: Oh come now Frank, no one else is around.
FRANK: I might as well take myself then instead of driving someone else.
BLAKE: Well, I think this is a good opportunity to have Regina get acquainted with an upstanding officer such as yourself. Carry on!
FRANK: I'm living in an insane asylum!
REG: Major Burns, shall we go?
FRANK: Oh, alright. But you're lucky I'm stooping this low.
(End Scene 2)
Act 2 Scene 3
(Regina and Frank are in the jeep, Frank driving)
FRANK: So, Ms. Vitallia, how do you like Korea so far?
REG: It's gorgeous. Either that or I have bad taste.
FRANK: Uh huh. And I trust you've made acquaintances with some of the nurses?
REG: Not the nurses, but Trapper John's a great guy. If, uh...he weren't married I'd pounce on him like a lioness on antelope. And Radar's real sweet too.
FRANK: How could you be so attracted to a man as inferior as Trapper John?
REG: He's got the nicest smile!
FRANK: And no respect for authority. You know Miss Vitallia? Ever since I was president of my school's stamp club, I have had a penchant for following the rules, and enforcing them. I detest all who try to test me, Trapper being one of them.
REG: Aw…he's not that bad sir.
FRANK: Yes he is. I can tell he's planning devious plots against me even when he says "hi." I hope you aren't like that Miss Vitallia.
REG: Well, sir, I usually listen (pause) to NOTHING! Ahahaha. No, sir, I was just kidding. But honestly. And you know Major, what if you get a seizure or an ulcer from all this compulsive abuse of authority? I doubt either of our head surgeons will be ecstatic to help you.
FRANK: Well, Doctor Pierce and Doctor McIntyre will be transferred very soon. In the meantime, you'd best keep away from them and stick to more competent people. And I guess if you're not a buy-the-book type, are you at least a praying woman?
REG: Eh…nah.
(All of a sudden, a landmine goes off near them, the two get tossed around)
REG: Oh my god! Oh my god! Get away!!! Get away!!
(Frank swerves, narrowly missing another)
REG: Argghh! Help me god please! Please!! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Ahh!
(This time they're so close that the jeep topples over, and both are flung into the shrub)
FRANK: (hurt, but not badly, crawls to Regina) Miss Vitallia? Are you alright? (Pause) Miss Regina, please-answer me! (Shakes her, she doesn't respond. On her are many bruises, cuts, and her leg is broken, he spots it.) Oh…noo…(Picks her up) You're lucky you're light, or I wouldn't know what do with you.
(Cut to O.R. Tent, it is dark, and Trapper and Hawkeye stand outside)
HAWK: Hey, look. Isn't that Ferret-Face? Probably looking for another purple heart-heh heh.
TRAP: Hey, he's carrying someone.
HAWK: Oh my god-it's Reggie!
(Frank runs up to them, panting)
FRANK: Please…get her in there-she broke her leg-and, and I see she's developed a gash, back of the head!
TRAP: Ah man! Get her in.
(They all walk in, place her on table, apply gloves, etc.)
HAWK: Uh…someone get me a nurse. Hey, Margaret, come here.
(Houlihan comes over and sees Regina. We can see a slight surge of anger pass over her, but she helps)
TRAP: Frank, what the hell happened?
FRANK: It was a landmine; hit the side of the jeep.
HOT: Looks like you got out without a scratch Frank.
FRANK: Well, of course.
HAWK: Hey, get me some napkins for this little volcano back here.
TRAP: I can't believe she's still bleeding through. Hey Houlihan, mind getting some more bandages over here?!
(Hot hesitates, almost wanting to see her die-but hands them to Trapper anyway, and Frank helps to wrap them around Regina's head)
HAWK: Now we're gonna have to take an X-ray of her ankle.
(They take an X-Ray and wait in the room with her, and Radar soon returns with the results)
RAD: Hey, uh…Hawkeye, looks like a hairline fracture.
HAWK: Well, c'mon everybody, suit up, heh-not like this is a very important matter. Hey Frank, get me the stool.
(Frank hands Hawkeye the stool)
FRANK: She'll be alright, right?
HOT: What do YOU think?
FRANK: Well, it's just a simple question, only because of her cut.
HAWK: Ahh…Frank-your medical expertises continue to amaze me…YES she'll be fine, she regained consciousness during the X-rays so I gave her some morphine to ease the pain. So…she's sleeping now. (Looks down at her) What a nut.
(End Scene 3)
Act 3 Scene 4
(Regina is in bed resting, her bandaged leg propped up. As Hawk checks her IV, she wakes up)
HAWK: How are you feeling?
REG: Oh god…I don't think shitty is the word.
HAWK: Heh-so didn't I tell ya? War is hell?
REG: Yeah. But still, I wouldn't call this hell. See, since I'm not a Bible toter my domain IS hell, so says my secret husband Lucifer Devlin. So actually-I'm in heaven.
HAWK: Ahhh..I see-and is Lucifer Frank's new nickname?
REG: (Takes pillow and aims it at him-then just throws it back at her face and it rolls off)
HAWK: Hey, hey, hey-calm down, heh. I was merely stating the obvious.
REG: Why do you think we go soooooo well together?
HAWK: Because he's a ferret and you're a weasel-you're from the same family.
REG: Isn't that incest?
HAWK: Well, if you're gonna be logical about it….
REG: What makes you think I'm a weasel? Is it because of my slinky body?
HAWK: Far from THAT notion.
(Radar enters)
REG: Radar! Come here daaaarrrllinngg…How are you?
RAD: Ah, I guess I'm fine-hope you feel better though. But umm…I was just coming here to give Hawkeye his mail.
REG: Aww….oh! Don't leave!
RAD: But I have to deliver the mail.
REG: Oh…alright, but come back! (As he turns, she grabs a towel next to her bed and hits him playfully right on the rear)
RAD: Ahh!!!!
REG: Whoo-ee! I'm not even a cowgirl and I can't believe I just said that! But hot damn! I love you Radar-and believe me…I don't mean that as a pansy thing. You really ARE handsome-it was an impulse!
RAD: Yeah…some impulse.
REG: Oh Radar…I'm sorry….great-I just made a complete ass out of myself….
HAWK: You sure did! Haha.
RAD: Don't worry about it.
REG: Really?
RAD: Yeah.
REG: Are you sure? Really? I feel like a big bimbo-and look at my IV! It's bubbling like hot stew I'm so freaked out! It's just that when a man of the other..uh-gender is handsome, I can't help myself! Because really, every guy here is at least somewhat attractive.
HAWK: Yeah, and Frank's at the top of the list.
REG: (Indicating Hawkeye) Well, ALMOST every guy.
RAD: Hey guys, I gotta go. (Exits)
(Trapper enters)
TRAP: Heyy…how's Regina?
REG: Meh…
HAWK: Translation?
TRAP: I'm going to say-wonderful-wonderful enough to jump out of bed right now and lunge at Frank!
REG: NO. And also…I feel like a real fairy lying like this. Is this gonna be one of those stories where you say 'How are you feelin' honey…?' and then I swish around in bed and give this incredibly half-assed warm smile and say 'Hmm….I'm tired.' Isn't it like that?
TRAP: Heh-I guess you could put it that way.
REG: But really-it's true! And then, like, you kiss me and I say…well, actually I don't say anything-I just fall back asleep.
HAWK: I don't think Trapper wants to take that chance, too deadly.
REG: Hey! You can't hold a candle to Trapper. He's got a lot of good qualities-and I bet he's MARRIED-right?
TRAP: Uh huh-with two daughters.
REG: Aww….you see? Trap's got the guts to get married. You're just not committed.
HAWK: Doesn't look like you are either. You go from Radar to Trapper to Frank and back again-take your pick!
REG: Oh god-are we still going over this Frank business?
HAWK: Yes we are-and you're caught in the middle of it. I can just see it now-Mrs. Regina Burns gives birth to 5th baby. The couple plan to call it…why-what do you know? Frank Jr!
REG: Oh? And who delivers the baby?
TRAP: Hotlips! Haha.
REG: (not amused) Heh. You mean Fatlips. Oh yeah-not to change the subject-
HAWK: But to change the subject….
REG: Ugh. Benny? Where in the hell are you from anyway?
HAWK: Crabapple Cove, Maine. And would you be so nice as to stop calling me that?
REG: No, and I heard New England people are complete bores. Be off with both of you-you're boring me to eternal rest with your talk of Frank. Are you sure you're not in love with him though?
HAWK: Ohhhh….well. I mean, you know, Frank and meeeee have had looovely times together-especially at the supermarket where he picked out prune juice for his unloose stoooolllllsss….
TRAP: What did you and Frank talk about in the jeep?
REG: Ohh…I don't know. About rules and regulations-he's whining about how I should follow rules and stay away from you. But I DO follow rules.
HAWK: Hmm…he probably wants to initiate you into his type of girl. A really foxy army brat.
(Regina moves to slap him but triggers pain in her leg)
REG: Ahh…oww...goddamnit. I smite that cast down! When am I getting this off anyway?
TRAP: You need a few weeks for it to heal-it's a hairline fracture-so you're pretty lucky.
HAWK: You should know stuff like that anyway-you're a nurse aren't you?
REG: No. Ha-I was a paramedic. I just rushed people in and prepared stuff-like a normal nurse would do. And I don't know why in hell Blake sent me out on this little trip. I mean-why?!! I'm not a clerk!
TRAP: Psh-I don't know.
REG: And anyway-how did I even make it back here?
HAWK: Frank carried you.
REG: What? Oh man…great. Now I have to feel obliges to him because he "saved" me.
TRAP: Aww…poor, poor Regina.
REG: Hey listen. I'm going back to sleep-you two are sick.
HAWK: Goodnigghhtt…..Heh heh. Sweet dreams Mrs. Burns.
(End Scene 4)
Act 2 Scene 5
(Hotlips' tent)
FRANK: Oh darling, I'm glad you've accepted me back.
HOT: Don't think it Frank. Now you mind telling me what you were doing out there with Regina?
FRANK: Blake asked me to escort her.
HOT: And why in the world would he ask you to do that?!
FRANK: I was wondering the same thing-I guess he just didn't want her alone.
HOT: Alone? Where does he think we are? Listen Mister, I was BORN in the army. All I knew about was fending for myself and practically being alone! You think I knew about playmates that she probably paid to be with her? That's the only world she knows Frank. A world where everyone listens to her and gets her everything she wants-and men can fall prey to her nymphet attitude. Everything about her is easy and fake-do you see how she struts around the camp? You're going to pass me up for that?
FRANK: Of course not honey. You know how much I love you.
HOT: Yeah, sure, you're obviously spreading that love to a couple of other people like that thing, whatever she is! You've got awful taste, you know that?
FRANK: (gasp) No! No I don't! I love you! Why do you always believe I'm in love with someone else? Oh? Am I in love with the moon because of how pretty it looks? Ohhhh!!! And what about you? I bet you love that idiot Hawkeye just as much as you've claimed to love me!
HOT: What are you talking about?
FRANK: Oh-I don't know anymore. All I know is that behind all of those….SILLY practical jokes there's some little affair going on.
HOT: Oh Christ Frank! If that were the case Hawkeye would practically be obsessed with you to the point of murdering you so he could cryogenically preserve you to stare at whenever he felt like it!
FRANK: Why must I be the cause of every damn thing? I do so much for everyone-I should be appreciated. And Regina just happens to be a nice girl, that's all!
HOT: Tell me you don't love her.
FRANK: (pause) I don't…love her.
HOT: Ugh.
FRANK: What?! I said I didn't love her!
HOT: You didn't mean a word of it! You sick, perverted pedophile! Just…get out! Get out!!!
(pushes him out and pulls tent flaps shut)
(End Scene 5)
Act 2 Scene 6
(Regina is still lying in bed, it's a day after Frank and Hotlips' quarrel, late at night. A few nurses linger about, but Frank walks in)
REG: (wide awake and staring at the ceiling, her entire upper thigh and hips exposed since her hospital gown has slid up) Major Burns?
FRANK: (jumps) Oh-hello Miss Vitallia. How are you feeling today?
REG: (Does a Frankenstein impression) Ughhh…We belong…dead! Ohhh….Heh heh.
FRANK: Oh...I see. I guess we really haven't been able to talk much after our little accident.
REG: That's true. Looks like you got out without a scratch. Although I gotta admit, I was told that YOUUU saved my life…well…
FRANK: Uh, well, it is one's duty to rescue another in the service. Besides, I might get a purple heart in the process.
REG: So…my being alive is the result of your wanting a prize, yes?
FRANK: Oh, now, I didn't mean it in that context. You are a very kind, helpful nurse, and those are qualities that the dunces in this outfit don't even know the meaning of.
REG: Even Major Houlihan.
FRANK: Oh, well, I mean specifically Captain Pierce and Trapper John.
REG: Ohh…I see. Well, you know, getting back to the subject of our discussion, those land mines sure are crazy, aren't they?
FRANK: Oh ye-
REG: You know, and all the shit you have to go through if you happen to get in one's way. And hey-please! You're all too kind-it's only my third day!
FRANK: I'm sorry that you feel that way Miss Vit-
REG: Oh wait, wait a hanky panky second. I hate Miss Vitallia. I'm tellin' ya-Regina is MUCH more preferred. You saved my life, didn't you? I'm the one that needs to approach you formally-sir.
FRANK: Well Regina, I'm glad someone here has respect for my authority.
REG: Heh. Oh-and you know something? The whole cute thing… i-it was a form of appreciation for you.
FRANK: Oh yes. And I appreciate that. You yourself are a very lovely young woman.
REG: Oh. Thanks. Ah-and anyway-ferret-face? C'mon-you don't even look like a ferret! If anything, Mr. Pierce is a beanpole! Ahahahahaha!
FRANK: Well, at least SOMEBODY here finds me attractive.
REG: Oh, but Nurse Houlihan must find you attractive.
FRANK: Why Miss Vitallia, must you keep bringing her up? I mean Regina.
REG: Oh…well…I thought you two were together, you're not?
FRANK: Who told you that?
REG: That you broke up?
FRANK: No, that we were ever together in that sense?
REG: Mr. Pierce.
FRANK: Don't listen to a word that man says!
REG: Oh, alright. But c'mon, you must like her, right? Not even a little?
FRANK: She is a fine head nurse and has a good head for authority.
REG: Ah…we're not getting anywhere. So...if you don't like her, then you must OBVIOUSLY like me, right?
FRANK: Who said anything about that?
REG: I don't know, I'm just saying.
FRANK: Well, I couldn't, that'd be against the Bible.
REG: Bible schmible. You like me.
FRANK: Fine, I guess I like her.
REG: Hah! I got it out of you! Or did I?
(End Scene 6)
Act 2 Scene 7
(It is two weeks later, and Regina is having her cast removed by Trapper at the side of her bed. Regina's other leg is up, her knee to her chin, and every so often her underwear appears under the nightgown)
TRAP: Ahh…alright, just a few more bandages and we'll have a gorgeous new leg. You were lucky that it was just a hairline fracture, you might never have been able to walk the same again.
REG: Ewww! Look at my legs! They're hairier than Klinger's back!
TRAP: You can shave it all off and use the hairs to stuff a pillow, a giant pillow.
REG: And you'd sleep on it.
TRAP: How does your leg feel?
REG: (puts her leg down and moves it about-she exclaims sarcastically) Great!
TRAP: Hey! You're just being sarcastic to confuse me. Someone has committed a manipulation!
REG: Really…I'm surprised how well you catch on.
TRAP: Alright, so, now we're gonna have to get it back into shape as you know-let's do some twists.
REG: Ok.
TRAP: Feel anything? (He puts his fingers in different positions on her ankle. Regina props her other leg back up again, for a couple of seconds revealing her underwear so Trapper gets an unexpected look at it. She quickly puts her leg down and he looks the other way)
REG: Yes, just a little achiness.
TRAP: Ah-well, that's to be expected. Alright, so nowww…we're gonna try standing up.
REG: If I do this right all of humanity will prosper! And I get a candybar.
TRAP: Yeah, I'm sure. (helps her up, she deliberately wobbles and falls back down on the bed)
REG: Whoopsy daisy!!
TRAP: Alright….let's…try again? (She remains stable this time) So…..you talked to Frank?
REG: How would you know?
TRAP: I don't know-I'm just, you know, guessing.
REG: Hmph-I bet you were spying on us. But yeah….just small talk.
TRAP: Ah c'mon. What did you talk about? You know…it's a little hard here trying to support your big fat body while I wait for an answer.
REG: Eh….he told me how he didn't like Hotlips in "that" way, but I could tell he did, I mean, if he doesn't like me then he must like her.
TRAP: And how do you know he doesn't like you?
REG: Cause….I told him what I just said to you…and he got all uneasy and said, you know 'Fine, I like Hotlips.'
TRAP: Awww……But he still wuvs you, I can tell.
REG: Well, I said the cute thing was a form of admiration, he was grateful, and told me I was a very lovely, young woman, like any serious, upstanding elder would say.
TRAP: In other words: "I'm madly in love with you and will you please come to my tent so we can experience some forms of military discipline? You've been a very, very naughty girl….."
REG: Mother McCree! Is that all that's on your mind?
TRAP: Mother McCree? Hahahaha. And yes.
REG: Ugh-I gotta get some new friends.
TRAP: Who said we were friends, eh? EH?
(Regina trips and he catches her. Their faces right up against each other, both a little startled)
TRAP: Are you ok?
REG: No (slaps him on the face softly)
TRAP: Hey! What was that for?
REG: (sighs) I don't know anymore. I'm sure that little fall of mine was rigged. Look, you got the wires over here…..bright, disarming light there, trying to distract me with sickening tales of love.
TRAP: Alright, alright, but now we have to go back to the main purpose-REHABILITATING your ankle. Alright, now…I want you to wear these thick pads in your shoe…they'll comfort it and protect it.
REG: Isn't that what a cast's for?
TRAP: Yeah…but not when it's only slightly bad.
REG: But these are pads that only a square would wear!
TRAP: So what's the problem?
REG: I changed my mind. You're not McWatt-you're Aarfy, an ungrateful, cynical little sneak.
TRAP: Alright….so does that make you Nately's whore?
(End Scene 7)
Act 2 Scene 8
(It is the shower room, two days later, and Regina is with another nurse, who places a stool under the shower head for her to sit on)
NURSE: Hot water and steam are perfect for the joints. Only stand up using your crutch though, remember that.
REG: Yeah, thanks.
(The nurse exits. Regina turns on shower and starts lathering up, her foot propped up. She puts in shampoo, and starts whistling the "Bridge over River Kwai" song when her soap drops and slides too far away from her grasp. Frank appears just outside the tent flap)
FRANK: (muffled) I am doing a surprise check on toilet facilities men…. and be they surprise checks or not, I expect them to always be clean!
HAWK: (Muffled as well) Nah-you just want a good look at Regina! (Pushes him in)
FRANK: PIERCE!!!!!
(Regina lifts her head up over stall, surprised and shocked)
REG: Major Burns!!
FRANK: (eyes widen, but he covers them) Oh god-I'm sorry Ms. Vitallia! (starts to run out)
REG: Wait! Major Burns-could you get me my soap?
FRANK: Oh….well…alright. (Reaches for it and peaks through the small crack separating the door from the rest of the stall ) How is your leg?
REG: Better I guess.
FRANK: That's very good.
REG: So can you please hand me the soap?
FRANK: (Moves from his position at the edge of the stall) Oh yes, of course.
REG: Thank you. You didn't see anything now did you Major?
FRANK: Er…Miss Vitallia, of course not-you know I'm not a dirty old man. I have a wife and children.
REG: Oh? Is that so? What about Houlihan?
FRANK: Yes it is…and you best watch what you say Miss Vitallia before you get kicked out of here. (Walks out quickly)
(End Act 2)
Act 3 Scene 1
(The O.R. 2 weeks later. Regina, her leg completely healed, works by Hawkeye's side)
HAWK: I need a clamp.
REG: Clamp.
HAWK: Now get me a knife, I'm gonna make an incision just above the spleen. Alright…sponge?
REG: Sponge.
HAWK: So Frank really yelled at you?
REG: He didn't YELL at me, he just raised his voice.
HAWK: Sounds like yelling to me.
REG: He just sounded stern.
HAWK: Hmmm….you put yelling and being stern together-you get yearn!
REG: HA HA….
HAWK: Alright….we're gonna need to sew him back up. Needles.
REG: Needles.
(Lights dim and brighten to show the passing of time-the scene now being the ward. Regina walks over to a patient's bed, and looks at his clipboard)
REG: Ross, Daniel-Marines. I always liked men in uniform….
DAN: (waking up) Where am I?
REG: Oh-the ward Mr. Ross. (checks his I.V.)
DAN: Who are you…..?
REG: Nurse Vitallia.
DAN: I like that name.
REG: That's nice.
DAN: You know…you know that you are…the most beautiful girl I've ever seen?
REG: (acting bashful and disinterested but obviously not getting good vibes from this guy) Oh…no I'm not…you're just being nice.
DAN: But you are…you're beautiful and lovely and gorgeous.
REG: Believe me Mr. Ross, Ingrid Bergman is far more beautiful and lovely and gorgeous than me. So therefore I'm not the most beautiful girl you've ever seen.
DAN: Never heard of her. I'm sure you're more beautifuller though.
REG: More beautiful. You need to rest Mr. Ross-I'll check back on you very soon though.
DAN: Wait, please don't leave. I hurt so much, and you're the only thing that can make me forget about it.
REG: Oh please….
DAN: I-I bet I know why you won't listen to me. Y-you have another man in your life, you must have.
REG: No I don't Mr. Ross-I don't need one-but YOU need some rest. You just had your spleen cut out of you.
DAN: You're lying.
REG: I think I'd know if you were operated on Mr. Ross.
DAN: I mean about men…you have one, you must. A guy back home maybe? How do you know he doesn't got some other gal?
REG: I don't have a man in my life at this point.
DAN: I bet someone l-loves you. Besides me I mean cause I'm madly in love with you at this point. You're so heavenly…it's like you're an angel. And I'll marry you…and I'll be inside you…we'll become one with god!
REG: I'll be back Mr. Ross.
DAN: I wanna make it with you so bad…
(Regina walks away quicker and slams right into Hawkeye)
REG: Excuse me…
HAWK: Whoa-whoa-hey-what's going on?
REG: Nothing.
HAWK: One thing I know about you Regina is that your face can be read like a book, like right now, I'm reading "I hate you Hawkeye and want you to die."
REG: Ah…like Macbeth-his face can be read like a book….which is why he's found out by MacDuff.
HAWK: Alright, alright, let's get past all this smart-aleck stuff-what happened?
REG: Nothing.
HAWK: Ohh…ho ho ho ho…it's Frank! I knew it!
REG: You see? This is why I hate you! You're still talking about him!
HAWK: Well, IS it him? You still didn't answer the question….
REG: NO!
HAWK: Whoa! W-we've got a, heh, livewire here! And just to let you know…when you were walking with Trapper that day when your cast was taken off? It was so sappy I thought I was gonna get stuck and preserved in amber.
REG: How do you know he was there?
HAWK: Well, you know, I was just doing a daily surveillance of the ward-that's all.
REG: Ugh-you little sneak.
HAWK: Just voicing my opinion.
REG: Yeah….
HAWK: You still haven't forgiven me for all the little comments I've said about Frank? They're nothing. Why are you acting this way towards me?
REG: I'm not doing anything to you.
HAWK: Yeah you are, you're giving me the uh, uh-half silent treatment! Can't you take a joke?
REG: No, not really anymore….
HAWK: Listen darling, I may have given this lecture to you before but I'm going riiiiiiight at it again!
REG: Here we go…
HAWK: You think you're all fine and dandy with your records and your posters and your rich family. You think it's all alright because you know DAMN WELL that you're beautiful, and people, especially stupid men, will love you even more if you act all innocent. It's like your secret little weapon. And by now you've already got, what? Radar, Trapper, Frank, and probably 20 other patients falling for you!
REG: Trapper? Oh please…
HAWK: Yeah, and don't brain me yet "Miss Vitallia"! I heard that patient talking to you-and you know you liked it!
REG: How in freaking hell do you think you're helping me by saying this?!!
HAWK: See? You don't know how to face the truth, you like everything to be fake and nice and happy, and-
(The two hear moaning and screaming coming from the ward….when they come in a doctor and a few nurses have bolted down Daniel Ross. He soon goes limp.)
DOC: He's dead-get 'im out of here.
(End Scene 1)
Act 3 Scene 2
(Time has passed and the man's been cleared away. Regina, Hawkeye and a recently entered Frank are now in the ward)
REG: What do you think was wrong with him?
FRANK: He had an epileptic fit, swallowed his tongue.
REG: (winces)
FRANK: Did the man say anything to you when you brought him in?
REG: I don't know why it's real important-but yeah-he said I was the most beautiful girl he ever saw and that he wanted to make it with me.
FRANK: How dare he say that! If he weren't dead we'd have to bring him up on harassment charges! (Slams fist on table)
HAWK: Yeah, sure.
REG: Awww come off it now-he was delirious.
HAWK: Uh-I think heeeee knew what he was saying.
REG: Heh-and you know what really takes the cake? The one guy that seems to be infatuated with me, in love with me, whatever you want to call it, dies minutes later. Well would you look at my luck? Man, I don't even get prudes offering themselves to me…
HAWK: Cause they're afraid!
REG: Oh what? Oh-and they can go up to some "convenient girl" that's really popular and BEG to do her homework as a form of flirting. Even the ugliest, fattest girls get boyfriends, and I'm not kidding. I'm 18 years old! And no men in my life!
FRANK: Regina darling, you have your family that loves you…and well, I'm SURE others love you. You're very loveable.
REG: I want someone to love me besides family and all that obvious crap. I mean like romantic love…but I guess cause I….have CURLY hair and am a good girl-I'm not desirable!
HAWK: Well, what do you want? Do you want me to say I love you? I love you! And so does Frank, and-
FRANK: (stiffly) In a friendly way of course.
HAWK: And tell you what-starting this summer I'll find some soldiers for you to meet.
REG: What?
FRANK: Pierce! You can't conduct that type of action here!
HAWK: Calm down Frank. So what do you say?
REG: (kisses him on the mouth-while Frank stands there, shocked)
HAWK: What the hell was that?
REG: Well, judging from the stench of your breath-if anyone asks about what I just did-I can say I was drunk. But thanks Hawkeye.
HAWK: Did you just call me Hawkeye?
REG: (slaps him in the face) Yeah! And if you tell anyone about this you'll be on the sharp end of the anesthetic needle once I'm through with you.
HAWK: Ohh-I'm so scared! And what about Frank? You just kissed me in front of him! (he nudges her, knowing she knows exactly what he's talking about)
REG: I take back my kiss (walks out)
(End Scene 2)
Act 3 Scene 3
(It is late that same night-and at the bar, Hawkeye and Trapper, drunk off their feet, muse about Hawkeye's encounter with Regina later that day)
HAWK: And then she planted one on me-right on the kisser!
TRAP: Hahahha-and what did ferret-face do?!
HAWK: He just sat there looking like he was about to kill me!! Hahaha.
TRAP: Better be careful there Hawkeye, heh heh.
HAWK: I wouldn't worry-I think she just wants to get Frank jealous…
TRAP: Is that so?
HAWK: Uh huh. Say, you know what I'm thinking? We put some vodka in place of Reggie's usual water. She'll get real drunk and then we can catch her doing something crazy with Frank!
TRAP: Heh heh. But Hawkeye?! Doesn't Regina hate alcohol?
HAWK: She doesn't have to know! Hey Barman! Fix me a vodka in a tall glass, ok? Ahahahahaha.
TRAP: Ohhhh-this will get her Hawk-this will get her.
(Regina enters. She sits next to Trapper, being still a little annoyed at Hawkeye.)
TRAP: Hey Regina-here. (he hands her the glass of vodka) I got water for you, hehe.
HAWK: I-I ordered it!
REG: Yeah…thanks (takes a big gulp-makes a face, sprays it out gagging) Oh god! What is this stuff?! What the hell is this, some kind of joke?!
HAWK: Well, you said that after you kissed me you'd pretend to be drunk so no one would find out! So I decided to make it easier for you!!!
(Everyone in the bar turns to look at Regina, all pretty much shocked. Regina takes the glass and pours the remaining contents on his head-then slaps him in the face)
REG: Refreshing, isn't it?!! (Storms towards the door)
HAWK: Hey! What was that?
(Regina bangs into Frank)
FRANK: Are you alright?
REG: No!
TRAP: Hahahahaha-c'mon Regina! Let Frank kiss you and hug you! Or do you want Hawkeye to do it instead?!
(Regina walks out)
FRANK: PIERCE!!!!!!!
(End Scene 3)
Act 3 Scene 4
(It is an hour later, and Regina is sitting on her bed in her tent….still shaking with anger and embarrassment. Radar walks in)
RAD: Regina?
REG: Oh Radar….goddamnit! I'm dealing with freaking psychos over here! I have Hawkeye giving me a glass of vodka, he let's everyone know how I kissed him, everyone thinks I secretly am in love with….oh-I don't know! Are we the only two sane ones left?
RAD: Uh-it's ok Regina. Don't worry-I'm sure Hawkeye didn't mean it that way-although I heard the whole thing and he sounded pretty convincing, but..
REG: Radar!
(Hawkeye and Trapper walk in…the alcohol having worn off)
HAWK: Hey Regina…hold on a sec-can we talk to you?
REG: About what?! How I want to make love to Frank?! How I kissed you?! You want to talk about that? Why don't you tell the whole world?
HAWK: No-look-I'm really sorry about the whole vodka thing and all the teasing-I didn't mean it like that.
REG: You know what Pierce? In the horse world, if I were the mare, Trapper was the stud, and Radar was the foal, YOU'D be the ass!!
TRAP: Heh heh.
REG: Oh god- I can't take it anymore! All you ever do is tease me and make me the butt of your STUPID practical jokes!
HAWK: Look-really Regina, I want to be serious. I know the past few weeks have bee hard, but I was just trying to break you in-you're too sensitive. (to the others) It's all probably all an act anyway…..
REG: Oh please! I think the last thing I'm doing right now is putting on an act! And I'm telling you-stupid practical jokes are nothing to pull on me! You know I don't have a quick temper…so I don't know what you're really getting out of this except me crying and you two feeling guilty.
TRAP: Look Regina-I apologize too.
REG: Oh whatever, I don't really care anymore. Everything you two say now sounds lke moonshine.
TRAP: Aw come on. Listen, you know that when I saw you I thought you were something else. You're a good kid…I guess all the Frank stuff was to get you excited that you might have someone. I can tell you're lonely.
REG: I'm not lonely.
TRAP: Eh-I think you are….you just don't know it. C'mon-will you forgive me?
REG: Well…I guess. Oh god! I don't know, I don't know-I'm not the crying type, and just look at me! I wanna go home! I can't stand this place anymore-all I ever hear is people dying and screaming. And all I hear all night are my freaking bunkmates whispering about me. "Oh…will you look at her dreadful hair?" "What a slut, trying to get with all the men in the camp." They should talk, you know? Just this morning I found a piece of gum stuck on my Dana Andrews picture. I didn't put it there-so it's obvious they did…..
TRAP: Don't worry….calm down. Just lie down and take it easy alright?
HAWK: Can we get out of here?
TRAP: Ohhh….Hawkeye-you're real sympathetic.
HAWK: Well what do you want me to do?
TRAP: How about consoling her?
HAWK: Yeah-and then she'll never get to sleep cause she's gonna start complaining about how dirty I am, touching her. She's always twisting the truth…
RAD: Uh...guys! The girls are coming back!
HAWK: What's the rush?
TRAP: Just get out…
(The 3 exit, leaving Regina, now quieted down….staring up at the ceiling)
(End Scene 4)
Act 3 Scene 5
(It is a day later, late in the afternoon. We are in Regina's tent-where she sits writing in her journal. Radar enters)
RAD: Hey Regina…a package for you.
REG: Oh? Who's it from?
RAD: Uh…Mrs. Vitallia. Find of hard to read. (hands her the package)
REG: (Reads the tag) Oh yeah! Now I remember. She said how she found something in storage and how she wanted me to have it. Ahh! Alright-I'm opening it. Stay here with me though.
(Opens package and immediately closes it…looking disgusted)
REG: Oh my god! It's horrible!
RAD: Wha? What is it?!
REG: Heh-only the most wonderful dress in the world! (Takes it out. It is a 20's style slinky, long, evening dress-dark blue…with matching gloves. She runs behind her room screen and puts it on. While she does this she talks to Radar) Isn't it gorgeous? It used to belong to my mother-she worked as a model for about a year before she had me! I remember her telling me about this. And it's great cause we're the same height. Radar-I'm sorry, and I know how much you want to stay and watch me dress, but I want it to be a surprise! Heh, just kidding, but still.
RAD: Uhh-ok. (He exits)
(Cut to Colonel Blake's office and the rooms surrounding it. Regina, in her dress…walks in...and bumps into Klinger)
REG: (in femme fatale voice) Oh! Helloooo daaaarling…How nice to see you. And your dress is very lovely I might add.
KLING: Really? See-NOW you're beginning to understand my sense of style Regina. Your dress is gorgeous too.
REG: And don't you just love my cigarette holder?
KLING: But dear, there's no cigarette in it!
REG: Well-I'm not that stupid as to smoke. (She crosses into Radar's room where he is working on files) Drop that folder sugar….no man can have all this work and nooo play….(Advances on him in an obvious, seductive way)
RAD: (Bug-eyed and beet-red) Hachee Machee…..
REG: Tell me honey, do you like to dance?
RAD: Well, I don't really know h-
REG: Oh yes you do. (Grabs him-and they tango into Blake's office, where he is talking with Hawkeye and Trapper. They all stare at Regina, dumbfounded) Don't worry boys, there's plenty of me to go around.
BLAKE: Well gee Regina, I gotta admit that you look very lovely today.
REG: Oh Mister Blake you are TOO kind. (To Hawkeye) What's the matter Benjamin? Never seen a beautiful woman in all your time here?
HAWK: Yes, I believe I have. And you're not one of them. And what are you gonna do if all of a sudden choppers come?
REG: You're no fun. And I'll just distract the soldiers from their pain. You'll save a fortune on anesthesia. Ahh…Mr. Trapper. How lovely to see you. And your (indicating army fatigue) tuxedo is very nice.
TRAP: Well, thanks for noticing. Care to dance?
REG: Why certainly. (She and Trapper dance to the outside of the tent-while the others follow) Oh Johnny, I never want this afternoon to end…..
TRAP: I love the way you look against the crimson sky Miss Vitallia. I can tell that you make even Aphrodite, the goddess of beauty, look plain.
(They all laugh, but abruptly stop when Frank appears followed by Hotlips and Father Mulcahy)
FRANK: What the hell's going on here?
TRAP: Sorry sir. But this kindly little lady was just so appealing I couldn't turn her down!
HOT: Where in god's name is that dress from Miss Vitallia?!
REG: A present from my mother. Don't I look like Rita Hayworth?
HOT: And what are you doing dancing around with Trapper John McIntyre?
REG: (Looks at Frank pleadingly) Well…
HOT: Don't look at Major Burns you harlot! Don't take this whole situation too lightly!
REG: (deadpan) I'm deeply sorry Major.
FRANK: I don't think it's Nurse Vitallia to blame….But uh, rather Dr. McIntyre! What makes you think doctor….that you can just dance around this site like it were a honky tonk party?
TRAP: An impulse sir…I'm attracted to women. How do you think I got my name?
FRANK: I catch you like this again and you'll be discharged before you can yell "Virgins, come my way!" And Nurse Vitallia?
REG: Yes sir.
FRANK: I'll see you in my tent in 5 minutes. (Exits. Hotlips does as well, but in a different direction)
HAWK: Hmm…wonder why, eh?
REG: Ugh. Oh Father, I didn't make a complete ass of myself, did I?
MUL: Well, no…not exactly. But sometimes jocularity can get in the way of harmless fun…and that's when it's time to watch out.
REG: Hahahaha-you always know how to make me smile Fatha. And you're cute too.
MUL: Well…oh.
REG: (To Blake) Oh Colonel, tell me honestly. Did I make an ass of myself?
BLAKE: Golly Regina-I wouldn't worry about Frank.
REG: Easy for you to say sir.
(End Scene 5)
Act 3 Scene 6
(Frank is in his tent-the one he shares with Hawkeye and Trapper. Regina enters, still in her dress. He looks slightly fidgety when he sees her)
REG: Sir?
FRANK: Ah yes, Regina…..I thought I told you specifically not to hang around those two men.
REG: I'm sorry. But Blake was right there-nothing would have happened.
FRANK: That doesn't matter. Who knows WHAT disease of intellectual abilities they could carry that could be passed onto you or any other helpless bystander?
REG: I really am sorry sir. (She sits next to him-crossing her legs so that she's facing him)
FRANK: Listen, er..Regina-I care. I don't want you with those men. I really do care for you! What if one of them, in a drunken stupor, decided to rape you? And just because you're an adult makes no difference.
REG: Well sir, I have a confession to make.
FRANK: What?
REG: I'm only 16.
FRANK: What?
REG: Do you think someone like me never had boyfriends? I've had plenty-believe me.
FRANK: So you mean this whole thing was just an act? How could you pull something like that off?
REG: What do you expect? I'm an actress.
FRANK: How did you get past your parents then?
REG: My parents hate me-all that stuff sent to me were from desperate men-I told them all to write my parents' address on the packages so it wouldn't be suspicious.
FRANK: But, but Regina! No one would care who you got your mail from! Or if you had boyfriends!
REG: Innocence sells just as well as sex sir, so I thought why not?
FRANK: So your relationships with Radar and Trapper were all fake?
REG: Not fake sir, just failed. I tried my best to get with them-but Trap's married and Radar's a celibate little lamb, I could never do something like that to him.
FRANK: And what about me?
REG; You're real sweet-but alas, you're married as well.
FRANK: And the dying soldier that said how he loved you?
REG: I don't know. I was creeped out by him-I was actually pretty afraid when he started to talk to me.
FRANK: My god-REGINA! You prey on idiotic men and are afraid of one?
REG: Yeah.
FRANK: Listen Regina, I love you, I want you to spend the rest of your life with me. Sleep with me, live with me, breathe with me, kiss me, kiss me Regina. I am in mad love with you, and I won't leave this war without you. I swear to God!
(Regina instantly kisses him passionately, and allows him to grope her and feel her while her dress begins to fall off. Frank pulls away though)
FRANK: Regina!
REG: What?
FRANK: I don't know-you're not as innocent as I thought. That's why I was in love with you.
REG: Ohhhh….so a pedophile you are….
FRANK: No…
REG: Yeah-well, I don't really care. I just think the authorities will have something to say about that.
FRANK: I don't care. Let's just run away. I don't care about the army anymore! I hate it! Let's just leave!
REG: Where'd we go?
FRANK: Anywhere! Anywhere you want!
REG: Umm…..the Bahamas….
FRANK: Fine, fine, we'll go to the Bahamas.
REG: Aww…you're just like the rest of them. I'm sorry, but, you know-all I can say is that you're gonna get hurt if you fall in love with me. I don't stay with one person for very long. Sorry. (Turns to leave)
FRANK: Regina! Please! Get back here right now!
(Regina exits and stands face to face with Hawkeye)
HAWK: So how'd it go?
REG: Eh, nothing. He yelled at me for a few minutes and then poured himself a drink and went to bed. He also said he actually admires you and wants to learn all the medical arts from your training.
HAWK: What can I say? I'm perfect.
THE END