Viva Las Vegas
Daniel woke up slowly. 'Where am I?' he wondered. 'This isn't my apartment and it doesn't smell like the infirmary either.'
He opened one eye and checked out his surroundings. 'Oh my god,' he cried silently in horror as he surveyed the tacky, overdone glittery decor, 'I'm in a goa'uld palace.'
Hearing the sound of footsteps Daniel pretended to be asleep. As the unknown visitor came closer, he risked a quick glance upwards. To his immense relief, it was only Jack. 'Wait a minute, something's wrong. Why isn't he surrounded by Jaffa or tied up? He seems to be perfectly at home in this place.' Shouldn't he be a prisoner too?' Daniel came to a horrific realization: Jack had been turned into a goa'uld.
Daniel shut his eyes, hopelessness washing over him. He carefully opened his eyes again, watching the inhuman monster that had once been his best friend. The fiendish creature casually grabbed something out of a small cabinet, flopped into a chair and picked up what looked oddly like a TV remote. Pressing the controls randomly for several minutes, the goa'uld finally got the device to work to his satisfaction, causing a section of the wall to move, revealing a giant screen. After more button pressing and muttered curses the screen came to life. Daniel briefly shut his eyes, marveling at how well the beast managed to mimic Jack's mannerisms.
Stick wielding figures moved in an enclosed space; obviously the goa'uld was checking on the progress of some battle. That was odd, for some reason the staff weapons were shaped like hockey sticks and the Jaffa armor looked a lot like sports jerseys. If Daniel hadn't known better, he'd have sworn the goa'uld was watching a hockey game on ESPN.
"Yesssss! They score! Hey, Daniel, wake up. You don't want to miss this," the goa'uld said happily.
Daniel's eyes flew wide open. Sitting up, he gave his surroundings a more careful examination. He groaned. It was worse than he had feared. He wasn't in a goa'uld palace, at the mercy of an evil, sadistic system lord; he was in Las Vegas.
***********************************
"So we overshot Groom Lake, what's the big deal, we're close aren't we?" Jack said with a nonchalant shrug.
"Jack, we're in VEGAS! "We were supposed to land in Area 51, the most top secret military base in the world, not touch down in the middle of the Las Vegas strip," Daniel shouted.
"Ah, don't get your panties in a wad," Jack said. "The tourists all thought it was part of some casino's show."
"A show!" Daniel yelled. "You're going to get court-martialed for this!"
"Oh for crying out loud, I'll just tell George that we were affected by some alien thingamajiggy or something. He'll buy that," Jack said.
"Jack, listen to me. We have to get out of here and we have to go NOW," Daniel insisted.
"Okay, okay. We'll go back to the base, turn in the ship, and come back ASAP," Jack said.
"Come back?" Daniel asked.
"It'll be great, we'll lounge around the pool, hit the slots, maybe take in a show," Jack said, giving Daniel a hearty slap on the back.
"Jack, we have responsibilities. We just can't take off to Vegas on a whim," Daniel snapped. "By the way, which over-decorated, energy-wasting, hideously tacky hotel are we staying in?"
"The Luxor. I figured you'd like it. You weren't in any shape to appreciate the giant pyramid and sphinx last night, but today you can see it in it's full glory," Jack said happily.
Daniel shuddered. Repressing his horror, he asked Jack, "Where are Sam and Teal'c?"
"Carter's trying her luck at the roulette wheel. I don't know where T went off to," Jack replied.
"Sam's gambling?" Daniel asked, trying to picture the straight-laced, ultra-rational Sam Carter doing anything as illogical as gambling.
"She swears she has a system," Jack said.
"Sam has a system?" Daniel said.
"Yeah, she started to explain it to me, but she lost me somewhere between chaos theory and probabilities," Jack said. "She's probably bankrupted the casino by now."
"We've got to find her, and Teal'c and get out of here. Immediately," Daniel insisted.
'Yeesh, what a nag,' Jack thought. 'That's the last time I bring little Mary Killjoy on vacation with me.'
***********************
After two hours of searching, they found Sam at a small casino. She was hunched over a roulette table, staring fixedly at the wheel.
"Carter, time to pack it in. Dannyboy here thinks we should head home," Jack said.
"Not yet, I have to make up my losses. I just need to place a few more bets and I'll beat the house," Sam said.
"That's an order," Jack said.
"No, I can't leave," she wailed, gripping the edge of the table.
"Now, Carter," Jack said. "We're leaving. Say goodbye to your new friends." He signaled to Daniel.
"But sir, I have a system," Sam insisted as Jack and Daniel each grabbed an arm and bodily removed her from the casino floor. "I have degrees in advanced mathematics. No roulette table can beat me!"
Before they reached the exit several goons blocked their way.
"I think we should have looked for Teal'c first," Daniel said, eyeing the wall of solid flesh barring their way.
"Ya think?"
"Not so fast," one of the goons said. "This little lady owes us a lot of money."
"Little lady," Sam spluttered in anger. "I'll show you how much of a lady I am. Let me at him Colonel," she said angrily, trying to escape Jack and Daniel's combined grips.
Jack sized up the men in front of him. Deciding to bow to the inevitable, he asked "How much are you in for Carter?"
"$65,689," Carter said sheepishly.
"Sixty five grand! In two hours! Geez Carter, that must be some kind of record," Jack yelled.
"Jack, what are we going to do?" Daniel said.
"Don't worry, sport, I'll cover it," Jack said. Letting go of Sam, Jack whipped out a credit card. He made his way past the throngs of glassy-eyed gamblers to the nearest window and handed the card to the cashier.
The cashier ran the card. "Thank YOU, Colonel Maybourne. Please feel free to visit Vegas anytime," she said, giving Jack a cheerful smile.
"Oh, I intend to," Jack said, smirking.
"Colonel," "Jaaack," his companions said.
*****************************
Several hours later:
"I think we've looked in every casino, bar and restaurant on the strip," Jack said, sitting down on a park bench. "Ya know, you'd think a six foot four man in combat fatigues with a gold tattoo on his head wouldn't be hard to find, but no, it's like he's vanished into thin air."
"How about that place?" Daniel said, nodding towards a small dingy bar.
"That dump? Why would he go there?" Jack said.
"Colonel, look at the sign," Sam said, pointing to the sign reading 'Karaoke Tonite'.
"Sam's right, Jack. Teal'c's been trying to talk me into taking him to a karaoke bar for months," Daniel said. "He really wants to perform."
"Teal'c wants to sing?" Jack said. "Oy."
They entered the bar; just as Daniel suspected, Teal'c was there. The MC, a tall man made up to look like a demon, complete with horns and green skin, announced that the next song would be "Man Of Constant Sorrow" from the soundtrack of "Oh Brother Where Art Thou", sung by Mr. Tilk.
His teammates had varying reactions: Jack snorted, Sam giggled, Daniel's mouth hung open, giving him the look of a stunned mullet.
"What IS it with him and that movie?" Jack asked.
"He likes one of the sireens," Sam said.
"Hey, big guy, it's time to go," Jack shouted to Teal'c.
"O'Neill, I am most pleased to see you. I require your assistance in this endeavor," Teal'c said.
"Uh, what kind of assistance," a puzzled Jack asked.
"Jack, he means he wants us to sing backup," Daniel said, trying unsuccessfully to disappear into the crowd.
"No thanks, T. I don't think so," Jack said.
Teal'c reached down. Grabbing both Jack and Daniel by their collars, he hauled the two, kicking and squirming, onto the stage. Handing them microphones and the lyric sheets, he said, "O'Neill, DanielJackson, you WILL join me in song."
"Oh for crying out loud, Teal'c," Jack snapped.
"I insist. We will perform," Teal'c said.
"Teal'c, for the love of god, no!" Sam shouted. "Have you ever heard the Colonel sing?" she asked. "I have, and believe me, it's not an experience I want to repeat."
"Hey, I'm not THAT bad," Jack said, stung. Okay, he'd be the first to admit he was no Wayne Newton, but she didn't have to rub it in.
Oh yes you are, Daniel thought.
The MC said, "you're on, big boy".
As the fiddle and banjos began to play, Jack and Daniel made one last desperate attempt to escape. Anticipating their efforts, Teal'c used the skills he had honed over nearly a century of Jaffa service to capture them; effortlessly he hauled them back onto the stage.
"Sing," he commanded. They sang.
In constant sorrow all through his days.
In the audience Gil Grissom turned to Nick and said, "O Brother, where art thou?"
Teal'c began to belt out the main chorus:
I am the man of constant sorrow
I've seen trouble all my days.
I bid farewell to old Kentucky
The place where I was born and raised.
The place where he was born and raised....
For six long years, I've been in trouble
No pleasure here on earth, I find
For in this world, I'm bound to ramble
I have no friends to help me now.
He has no friends to help him now......
It's fare thee well, my old true lover,
I never expect to see you again
For, I'm bound to ride that Northern railroad
Perhaps I'll die upon that train.
Perhaps he'll die upon that train.....
You can bury me in some deep valley,
For many years, where I may lay.
Then, you may learn to love another
While I am sleeping in my grave.
Mercifully, the song ended. Jack, Daniel and Teal'c left the stage, made their way to the teltak and then to Groom Lake.
Epilogue:
General Hammond's Office
Jack, Daniel, Sam and Teal'c stood before the General, each wearing a guilty look.
"Colonel, are you sure you told me everything about your trip back from Ravenna in your report?" the General asked, his voice deceptively mild.
"Well, uh, well, yeah, I put just about everything in there, sir," Jack muttered, shuffling his feet.
"That's interesting. I just had a phone call from my nephew Nick in Las Vegas. It seems he saw something unusual last night and he thought I'd like to know," Hammond said.
"Unusual, sir?" Sam said. "In what way?"
"According to him a spaceship landed right in the middle of the Las Vegas strip outside of the Luxor Hotel, in full view of thousands of people," Hammond said.
"You have a nephew in Vegas, General?" Jack said, swallowing audibly.
"Yes I do, Colonel, he works for the Crime Scene Investigation Department of Las Vegas. Don't try to change the subject," Hammond said.
"Spaceship eh? Are ya sure he didn't just see some casino's publicity stunt?" Jack asked desperately.
"Unless someone in Vegas got a hold a goa'uld cargo ship, I don't think so," Hammond snapped. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
"I'm sorry," Jack said, trying to look repentant.
"What are you going to do with us," Sam asked nervously.
"Luckily, everyone present put it down to a hoax. No one else knows about your little excursion and I'm not going to advertise the fact that my so-called premier team took an alien spaceship to Las Vegas. So I'm not going to do anything. This time. But it better not happen again," Hammond said sternly. "Dismissed."
Jack breathed a sigh of relief. Once again he was going to get away with one of his outrageous stunts and as a bonus, his short-lived musical career would remain a secret. 'Geez, that would have been a disaster if anyone had found out. I'd never be able to show my face around here again,' he thought.
As he turned to leave the office General Hammond said "Not so fast, Jack. Before you go, perhaps you'd like sing something for me".
The End.
Daniel woke up slowly. 'Where am I?' he wondered. 'This isn't my apartment and it doesn't smell like the infirmary either.'
He opened one eye and checked out his surroundings. 'Oh my god,' he cried silently in horror as he surveyed the tacky, overdone glittery decor, 'I'm in a goa'uld palace.'
Hearing the sound of footsteps Daniel pretended to be asleep. As the unknown visitor came closer, he risked a quick glance upwards. To his immense relief, it was only Jack. 'Wait a minute, something's wrong. Why isn't he surrounded by Jaffa or tied up? He seems to be perfectly at home in this place.' Shouldn't he be a prisoner too?' Daniel came to a horrific realization: Jack had been turned into a goa'uld.
Daniel shut his eyes, hopelessness washing over him. He carefully opened his eyes again, watching the inhuman monster that had once been his best friend. The fiendish creature casually grabbed something out of a small cabinet, flopped into a chair and picked up what looked oddly like a TV remote. Pressing the controls randomly for several minutes, the goa'uld finally got the device to work to his satisfaction, causing a section of the wall to move, revealing a giant screen. After more button pressing and muttered curses the screen came to life. Daniel briefly shut his eyes, marveling at how well the beast managed to mimic Jack's mannerisms.
Stick wielding figures moved in an enclosed space; obviously the goa'uld was checking on the progress of some battle. That was odd, for some reason the staff weapons were shaped like hockey sticks and the Jaffa armor looked a lot like sports jerseys. If Daniel hadn't known better, he'd have sworn the goa'uld was watching a hockey game on ESPN.
"Yesssss! They score! Hey, Daniel, wake up. You don't want to miss this," the goa'uld said happily.
Daniel's eyes flew wide open. Sitting up, he gave his surroundings a more careful examination. He groaned. It was worse than he had feared. He wasn't in a goa'uld palace, at the mercy of an evil, sadistic system lord; he was in Las Vegas.
***********************************
"So we overshot Groom Lake, what's the big deal, we're close aren't we?" Jack said with a nonchalant shrug.
"Jack, we're in VEGAS! "We were supposed to land in Area 51, the most top secret military base in the world, not touch down in the middle of the Las Vegas strip," Daniel shouted.
"Ah, don't get your panties in a wad," Jack said. "The tourists all thought it was part of some casino's show."
"A show!" Daniel yelled. "You're going to get court-martialed for this!"
"Oh for crying out loud, I'll just tell George that we were affected by some alien thingamajiggy or something. He'll buy that," Jack said.
"Jack, listen to me. We have to get out of here and we have to go NOW," Daniel insisted.
"Okay, okay. We'll go back to the base, turn in the ship, and come back ASAP," Jack said.
"Come back?" Daniel asked.
"It'll be great, we'll lounge around the pool, hit the slots, maybe take in a show," Jack said, giving Daniel a hearty slap on the back.
"Jack, we have responsibilities. We just can't take off to Vegas on a whim," Daniel snapped. "By the way, which over-decorated, energy-wasting, hideously tacky hotel are we staying in?"
"The Luxor. I figured you'd like it. You weren't in any shape to appreciate the giant pyramid and sphinx last night, but today you can see it in it's full glory," Jack said happily.
Daniel shuddered. Repressing his horror, he asked Jack, "Where are Sam and Teal'c?"
"Carter's trying her luck at the roulette wheel. I don't know where T went off to," Jack replied.
"Sam's gambling?" Daniel asked, trying to picture the straight-laced, ultra-rational Sam Carter doing anything as illogical as gambling.
"She swears she has a system," Jack said.
"Sam has a system?" Daniel said.
"Yeah, she started to explain it to me, but she lost me somewhere between chaos theory and probabilities," Jack said. "She's probably bankrupted the casino by now."
"We've got to find her, and Teal'c and get out of here. Immediately," Daniel insisted.
'Yeesh, what a nag,' Jack thought. 'That's the last time I bring little Mary Killjoy on vacation with me.'
***********************
After two hours of searching, they found Sam at a small casino. She was hunched over a roulette table, staring fixedly at the wheel.
"Carter, time to pack it in. Dannyboy here thinks we should head home," Jack said.
"Not yet, I have to make up my losses. I just need to place a few more bets and I'll beat the house," Sam said.
"That's an order," Jack said.
"No, I can't leave," she wailed, gripping the edge of the table.
"Now, Carter," Jack said. "We're leaving. Say goodbye to your new friends." He signaled to Daniel.
"But sir, I have a system," Sam insisted as Jack and Daniel each grabbed an arm and bodily removed her from the casino floor. "I have degrees in advanced mathematics. No roulette table can beat me!"
Before they reached the exit several goons blocked their way.
"I think we should have looked for Teal'c first," Daniel said, eyeing the wall of solid flesh barring their way.
"Ya think?"
"Not so fast," one of the goons said. "This little lady owes us a lot of money."
"Little lady," Sam spluttered in anger. "I'll show you how much of a lady I am. Let me at him Colonel," she said angrily, trying to escape Jack and Daniel's combined grips.
Jack sized up the men in front of him. Deciding to bow to the inevitable, he asked "How much are you in for Carter?"
"$65,689," Carter said sheepishly.
"Sixty five grand! In two hours! Geez Carter, that must be some kind of record," Jack yelled.
"Jack, what are we going to do?" Daniel said.
"Don't worry, sport, I'll cover it," Jack said. Letting go of Sam, Jack whipped out a credit card. He made his way past the throngs of glassy-eyed gamblers to the nearest window and handed the card to the cashier.
The cashier ran the card. "Thank YOU, Colonel Maybourne. Please feel free to visit Vegas anytime," she said, giving Jack a cheerful smile.
"Oh, I intend to," Jack said, smirking.
"Colonel," "Jaaack," his companions said.
*****************************
Several hours later:
"I think we've looked in every casino, bar and restaurant on the strip," Jack said, sitting down on a park bench. "Ya know, you'd think a six foot four man in combat fatigues with a gold tattoo on his head wouldn't be hard to find, but no, it's like he's vanished into thin air."
"How about that place?" Daniel said, nodding towards a small dingy bar.
"That dump? Why would he go there?" Jack said.
"Colonel, look at the sign," Sam said, pointing to the sign reading 'Karaoke Tonite'.
"Sam's right, Jack. Teal'c's been trying to talk me into taking him to a karaoke bar for months," Daniel said. "He really wants to perform."
"Teal'c wants to sing?" Jack said. "Oy."
They entered the bar; just as Daniel suspected, Teal'c was there. The MC, a tall man made up to look like a demon, complete with horns and green skin, announced that the next song would be "Man Of Constant Sorrow" from the soundtrack of "Oh Brother Where Art Thou", sung by Mr. Tilk.
His teammates had varying reactions: Jack snorted, Sam giggled, Daniel's mouth hung open, giving him the look of a stunned mullet.
"What IS it with him and that movie?" Jack asked.
"He likes one of the sireens," Sam said.
"Hey, big guy, it's time to go," Jack shouted to Teal'c.
"O'Neill, I am most pleased to see you. I require your assistance in this endeavor," Teal'c said.
"Uh, what kind of assistance," a puzzled Jack asked.
"Jack, he means he wants us to sing backup," Daniel said, trying unsuccessfully to disappear into the crowd.
"No thanks, T. I don't think so," Jack said.
Teal'c reached down. Grabbing both Jack and Daniel by their collars, he hauled the two, kicking and squirming, onto the stage. Handing them microphones and the lyric sheets, he said, "O'Neill, DanielJackson, you WILL join me in song."
"Oh for crying out loud, Teal'c," Jack snapped.
"I insist. We will perform," Teal'c said.
"Teal'c, for the love of god, no!" Sam shouted. "Have you ever heard the Colonel sing?" she asked. "I have, and believe me, it's not an experience I want to repeat."
"Hey, I'm not THAT bad," Jack said, stung. Okay, he'd be the first to admit he was no Wayne Newton, but she didn't have to rub it in.
Oh yes you are, Daniel thought.
The MC said, "you're on, big boy".
As the fiddle and banjos began to play, Jack and Daniel made one last desperate attempt to escape. Anticipating their efforts, Teal'c used the skills he had honed over nearly a century of Jaffa service to capture them; effortlessly he hauled them back onto the stage.
"Sing," he commanded. They sang.
In constant sorrow all through his days.
In the audience Gil Grissom turned to Nick and said, "O Brother, where art thou?"
Teal'c began to belt out the main chorus:
I am the man of constant sorrow
I've seen trouble all my days.
I bid farewell to old Kentucky
The place where I was born and raised.
The place where he was born and raised....
For six long years, I've been in trouble
No pleasure here on earth, I find
For in this world, I'm bound to ramble
I have no friends to help me now.
He has no friends to help him now......
It's fare thee well, my old true lover,
I never expect to see you again
For, I'm bound to ride that Northern railroad
Perhaps I'll die upon that train.
Perhaps he'll die upon that train.....
You can bury me in some deep valley,
For many years, where I may lay.
Then, you may learn to love another
While I am sleeping in my grave.
Mercifully, the song ended. Jack, Daniel and Teal'c left the stage, made their way to the teltak and then to Groom Lake.
Epilogue:
General Hammond's Office
Jack, Daniel, Sam and Teal'c stood before the General, each wearing a guilty look.
"Colonel, are you sure you told me everything about your trip back from Ravenna in your report?" the General asked, his voice deceptively mild.
"Well, uh, well, yeah, I put just about everything in there, sir," Jack muttered, shuffling his feet.
"That's interesting. I just had a phone call from my nephew Nick in Las Vegas. It seems he saw something unusual last night and he thought I'd like to know," Hammond said.
"Unusual, sir?" Sam said. "In what way?"
"According to him a spaceship landed right in the middle of the Las Vegas strip outside of the Luxor Hotel, in full view of thousands of people," Hammond said.
"You have a nephew in Vegas, General?" Jack said, swallowing audibly.
"Yes I do, Colonel, he works for the Crime Scene Investigation Department of Las Vegas. Don't try to change the subject," Hammond said.
"Spaceship eh? Are ya sure he didn't just see some casino's publicity stunt?" Jack asked desperately.
"Unless someone in Vegas got a hold a goa'uld cargo ship, I don't think so," Hammond snapped. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
"I'm sorry," Jack said, trying to look repentant.
"What are you going to do with us," Sam asked nervously.
"Luckily, everyone present put it down to a hoax. No one else knows about your little excursion and I'm not going to advertise the fact that my so-called premier team took an alien spaceship to Las Vegas. So I'm not going to do anything. This time. But it better not happen again," Hammond said sternly. "Dismissed."
Jack breathed a sigh of relief. Once again he was going to get away with one of his outrageous stunts and as a bonus, his short-lived musical career would remain a secret. 'Geez, that would have been a disaster if anyone had found out. I'd never be able to show my face around here again,' he thought.
As he turned to leave the office General Hammond said "Not so fast, Jack. Before you go, perhaps you'd like sing something for me".
The End.